Interlude – Knowledge
The first emotion Jaykit is intimately familiar with is pity – the second is hatred.
The sheer helplessness of being blind is only contested by what he feels from his clanmates. When you're blind, it doesn't matter who you're born of, your lineage, or what you do. They'll always see you as a failure. Always the weakest link – always with pity. He feels their pity, like how he feels his heartbeat or blood between his teeth.
Jaypaw doesn't need anyone.
"Pay attention to the soil here. It's damp here during Leafbare. Looking sideways, you can see the treeline recess leading to the lakefront," meows Brightheart, more bat-blind than him.
"I'm blind," Jaypaw spits out. "I can't see the treeline." Brightheart takes sinful pleasure in making the tour of the territory slow. Ice-cold dirt steals the warmth from Jaypaw's paws, and he curses her internally. It's cold, cold enough for him to curl in on himself, but Brightheart will never see him as anything other than weak and slow if he tries.
Brightheart flares in concern, directed at him, and she mews, "Right. Sorry, I forget sometimes. You hold yourself well for being completely blind. Try smelling the wind. We can practice using your nose to navigate."
They stuck me with the half-blind warrior just to slow me down.
Jaypaw breathes deep and smells. The lakefront is nearby to the west, while ShadowClan is farther north. Trees surround him, somewhere in relation to him, and he starts trying to smell where the earth meets the trunks, allowing him to build a mental map. Distantly, he can smell a ThunderClan patrol behind them. They're agitated.
"The lakefront is to the west, while ShadowClan is to the north. Their border scent is stale, probably a patrol coming this moonrise. There's a ThunderClan patrol behind us, moving quickly. It's the one with Brambleclaw and Whitewing," Jaypaw meows confidently.
Brightheart gives off some surprise. "You can smell all of that?" she questions.
"Of course," Jaypaw snorts. "Don't think that just because you lost an eye, you know what it's like for me. I'm not as helpless as you think."
The she-cat flinches and Jaypaw takes a moment to revel in her discomfort. Tabbies don't change their stripes, and Brightheart has already made her opinion of him clear. It feels good to have her on the back paw.
"Let's get this over with. You're making me waste time doing this nonsense while Hollypaw and Lionpaw are learning how to fight," Jaypaw meows. He bristles his tail, feeling like a cornered badger.
Brightheart flinches with something that looks like concern, but then, "Jaypaw, I… I'm just trying to help. Hollypaw and Lionpaw are also on their first sunrise of apprenticeship. They're learning the territory too."
Jaypaw feels his heart jump, the curling ball of anger nearly exploding before he tampers it back down, "Don't try to pretend they stuck you with me for any other reason than putting the cripples together. They hate us."
"Jaypaw!" Brightheart meows. "That w—"
Jaypaw tires of sitting in this miserable weather. "Let's go," he orders, "I'll show you that I'm not useless." He turns back into the forest, ignoring Brightheart's cry of alarm, and stews impotently.
The final stone is when he's following Brightheart for yet another tour of the territory and they have to cross a frozen river. Apparently, RiverClan isn't the only territory with water access. Medicine cats haven't solved thirst yet, useless cats, and apparently, in Leaf-Bare, the rivers freeze over temporarily. It's valuable information that Firestar's stories never managed to teach him.
"Jaypaw, be careful. Gently feel out where the ice is thinnest and avoid it," Brightheart meows from across the way. She's all sunshine and daisies, but she's already left him alone.
"I'm aware! Now be quiet so I can focus!" Jaypaw spits. Brightheart quiets down, but he can tell she's upset at him. All the better.
The ice feels slick and thin under his paws. He can almost feel the current through the ice, the brutal stream bringing certain death. Every step could be his last. Every step could be his last. He needs… there, on his right, there's a thick patch. Something he can stand on without feeling like he's gonna fall at any moment.
He takes the step.
The ice holds.
Jaypaw's pelt surges with adrenaline. The bee-brains back at the stone hollow thought he couldn't do this, but he'd show them! He shivers from the cold but doesn't care as he's too filled up with oozing confidence. He takes a second step, and everything goes wrong.
The ice shatters. There's a "Jaypaw!" from Brightheart before Jaypaw's world is eaten by freezing cold. The river pulls on him and Jaypaw is turned around until he loses all sense of direction. The cold water drags his body into shock, and Jaypaw squirms desperately, drinking ice water until he chokes. He glimpses Brightheart in the madness, but she wouldn't save a worthless cat like himself.
His helplessness is going to kill him.
Jaypaw turns, trying to find purchase, but instead scrapes his flanks over rocks. He tries to push himself upwards, but there's nothing to push off of, and the tom just pulls a muscle when the current rips him another in direction.
There's a crack as he slams into something. Then true darkness of the mind.
He comes to a grass field made out of stars. He sees with his eyes the glorious colors and shapes that he's only been able to feel with his dirty paws and whiskers for all this time. He thinks that he's looking at the color gold, but it's whisked away for another color – the floor made of little sharpened stars zigzagging across the sky.
"Am I dead?" he meows, pulling himself to his paws. His pelt is mysteriously dry, and his back is mysteriously not cracked in half. Bitterness floods him for never having the chance to become a warrior, but at least StarClan is nice. He's no longer a cripple.
"Fortunately, not yet. Brightheart is now pulling you out from the river, but it's a process. I have helped your spirit heal. It's not your time yet to join our ranks," purrs the she-cat behind him. She radiates a soft sense of love and comfort, fitting with her soft, silky voice, but Jaypaw feels immediately uncomfortable. She wants something.
Jaypaw says the first thing that comes to his mind: "Great, my first visit to StarClan, and they want me to become a medicine cat. I'm sure my humiliation here with the river is a great help for you." He turns to face her.
The tortoiseshell, and for that, Jaypaw has to pause and just drink in her colors, sighs and meows, "No, Jaypaw. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I was a medicine cat, and old habits are hard to break. I knew your grandfather for a bit before I died."
Jaypaw scoffs. "Convenient. It's not like Firestar isn't super old and knows a lot of cats. I bet he doesn't even remember you." Brillant red stars streak across what constitutes the sky and blur the world around him. "Where are we?"
The grass field around him is wide open with no feature in sight. Shimmering golden stars surround them in all directions, and Jaypaw feels like he's floating. It's the most beautiful thing he's seen so far in his life, and he's not afraid to admit that.
"Nowhere in particular. StarClan's hunting grounds are nearby if one knows where to look," the tortoiseshell meows, tilting her head in a nowhere particular direction. She looks down at him, meowing, "You seem bothered by the idea of being a Medicine Cat. Did you want to talk about it while Brightheart pulls you out? She seems in a bit of a panic, so it wouldn't be kind to drag this out for too long."
Jaypaw digs with his sixth sense. The tortoiseshell's name is Spottedleaf; he knows it somehow, and she seems genuine. Stars are hovering in her pelt, the burning energy that courses through her frame brushes against Jaypaw's mind, and his pelt tingles. She thinks she can help him. "Why does everyone want me to become a medicine cat!" he hisses. The world around them trembles.
Spottedleaf flinches, watching the dream crack, a feeling of trepidation crossing her mind, "If you wish to be a warrior, I will not stop you," she meows softly. "Your gift will serve you well wherever you go."
Spottedleaf seems almost sad as the world begins to fragment, but Jaypaw grabs that searing heat in his stomach and meows, "Then cats like you should stop asking me when I'll become Leafpool's assistant." There's a well of pity inside Spottedleaf, and Jaypaw hisses. "Stop pitying me! I'm just as capable as Hollypaw or Lionpaw or Foxpaw! I'll prove you all wrong!"
There's a crack in their surroundings, a tremendous ethereal hole that splits Jaypaw's vision; he hears Brightheart meowing, "Wake up, Jaypaw! Oh, StarClan, I should've never brought you out here!"
Jaypaw feels the well of anger inside him flare. Even now, Brightheart doubts him.
"Jaypaw! I support you! You misun—"
Spottedleaf's mewing is cut off and Jaypaw pushes. He doesn't know what he's doing, but there's a flash of fear from Spottedleaf and then overflooding regret from her as the world around them shatters. Stars flash in the distance, and Jaypaw sees Spottedleaf yanked backward by some force. He knows that he's waking up.
So much for my ancestors. I just wish I could've stayed here longer. It's beautiful.
There's some desperate mew from Spottedleaf and Brightheart, and then Jaypaw spits up river water. Darkness plagues his vision again, and Jaypaw feels more exposed than ever as he lies shivering on the dirt. This is the end of his warrior apprenticeship.
"Oh, Jaypaw! You're okay!" Brightheart meows above him. "Let's get you to Leafpool."
"Mousebile is in this pile next to the watermint and poppy seeds. We try to always keep poppy seeds in stock while avoiding their use when possible due to their versatility. Do you remember all their uses?" Leafpool meows.
Destiny finds Jaypaw all the same.
Jaypaw grumbles, "Poppy seeds can help a cat sleep, soothe shock or distress, or ease pain. We can use them to help a critical patient sleep through pain or help shocked warriors after a battle. Nursing queens shouldn't use any, though, due to negative impacts on the kits, and as such, other herbs with pain-killing properties should be considered when a queen is in pain."
Leafpool hums in thought, "And what herbs would you use for a nursing queen?"
StarClan, this place smells awful.
Jaypaw's sensitive nose picks up all the different herbs in the medicine den until they blur into a giant blob of smells. It's almost vomit-inducing, and he has no idea how Leafpool deals with it.
"Juniper berries are an unconventional option. Chamomile and burnet would be standard for a nursing queen before or after kitting, but not during," Jaypaw finishes with a sigh.
Leafpool radiates approval, and Jaypaw considers eating some holly berries just so he can throw up, but then she continues, "Very good. Let's talk about some of the more nastier herbs. Give me the list of poisonous plants, order them from most dangerous to least, and then give me some of their medicinal uses."
Jaypaw racks his memory, surrounded by cold, stuffy walls, and then says, "Deathberries, nightshade, foxglove seeds, mea—"
He's never getting out of here.
Then, one moonrise, he wanders into Firestar's dream.
"There will be three, kin of your kin, who will hold the power of the stars in their paws," Skywatcher meows, and Firestar listens in silence. There's a weight to the words, following a solemn silence held only by a new warrior's vigil. To Firestar, it's more of a memory than a dream.
It puts some things in perspective; it explains Hollypaw's supernatural powers, and Jaypaw wonders if his strange sight is StarClan's way of apologizing for making him blind.
It's a terrible apology, in his opinion.
Jaypaw steps forward, and the ground between him disappears. The ethereal light of Firestar's dream rises, and Jaypaw feels like he's sliding downwards. Stars glimmer around him in hues of red, orange, blue, green, and other colors Jaypaw can't even describe, and they move with him. He's leaving Firestar's dream and going somewhere else.
Jaypaw can't describe it. Even here, his eyes fail him. He can see the strands of power that makeup StarClan, the dreaming world, or wherever he is. Great towering walls of belief and hope surround him in all directions. They fold in on themselves, bending and refracting light until they carve out invisible floors and walls that are both there and not there simultaneously. Jaypaw is part of it all, his power flooding out from him, touching the world until the stars shiver and fold in again on themselves.
Jaypaw sees with his mind.
He pulls, willing himself to be somewhere else, and then he is. Soft starlit grass lingers on his paw pads, and trees made up of starlight bloom upwards as a forest manifests itself around him. Jaypaw can smell fresh dew, the soft air brushing his pelt more vibrant than real life.
"Even now, his kin poke their heads into places they don't belong."
He sees a thought, and Jaypaw's peace is disturbed.
"Great, another StarClan cat here to bother me. Was Leafpool forcing me to become a medicine cat not enough?" Jaypaw snorts with disdain. His quiet sanctuary is interrupted by a dark grey she-cat, orange eyes, and an ugly, flattened face.
"His grandkits inherited his temper."
"I believe you're the one disturbing StarClan's grounds. But your line has always found trouble for good or ill, so it's to be expected," the she-cat meows.
She talks like ShadowClan, all sharp and vicious, but smells like ThunderClan. She thinks that she knows him. "You think you know me?" Jaypaw challenges her.
The she-cat sits in front of him, starlight glimmering across her pelt. "I knew your grandfather. I saw your mother give birth. When StarClan chose you for a great destiny, I knew I would get to know you."
"Leafpool. If you could see him now."
The thought passes through her mind and Jaypaw sees it. What does Leafpool have to do with this?
"That's great," Jaypaw purrs sarcastically. "Now tell me I should be happy as Medicine Cat and leave." He can find the answers he needs on his own. He doesn't need the dead hovering over his back.
"There will be three, kin of your kin, who will hold the power of the stars in their paws."
"Yes, that!" Jaypaw meows, picking up on the thought. "What does the prophecy mean if I'm destined for a great destiny." Jaypaw can feel himself begin to bubble with excitement. It's proof that he's not meant to be a medicine cat.
"Yellowfang," Yellowfang snorts, "but you're not interested in introductions. And you must discover what the prophecy means yourself. You… remind me of myself when I was younger. I wonder if the path of the medicine cat is your destiny or just your misery."
It's a perfectly vague, StarClan-like answer that boils his blood. He's going to need another sanctuary. Somewhere where no dead ancestor will bother him. A little dream world just for him.
"Then you're useless. Hollypaw can already mind-control cats, and StarClan won't give any answers," Jaypaw hisses."Nor will you help convince my Clanmates to get me out of Leafpool's den."
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry, won't cut it! You StarClan cats are always so useless! Why can't you all leave me alone!" he hisses. "If you're determined to be useless, you could at least be useless on your lonesome!"
There's an edge in Yellowfang's reply, "You won't find any answers with that attitude. Nor has anyone forced you into Leafpool's role. Brightheart—" Jaypaw doesn't care.
"Brightheart hated me. They stuck me with the half-blind dormouse warrior to drag me down until they could force me into Leafpool's rotting den. Now I get to spend my sunrises shoving herbs around with my snout," Jaypaw meows, interrupting. "If you truly care about me in some misguided parental way, then the best thing you can do is leave."
Burning anger floods Yellowfang but also resignment and sorrow. All ShadowClan with none of the bite. She's just another no-name medicine cat that amounted to nothing. Jaypaw doesn't bother listening to her reply.
"Leave!"
Like a StarClan miracle, Yellowfang's form dissipates into bursts of starlight. Finally, Jaypaw is alone in his starlit forest.
Life goes on. Leafpool doesn't become any more bearable.
Jaypaw finds a stick. It's marked down its edge with a hundred grooves carved from ancient cats, and it glows within his sight no matter where he's looking. In a world of darkness, its light is a beacon from all around.
It's a key. It has to be. An answer.
But when he returns to it after saving WindClan's kits, he has more questions than answers. The tunnels beneath ThunderClan hold mysteries that Jaypaw can't discover alone. The tingling pressure of some unseen energy the deeper they go; the presence of Fallen Leaves, why can he and Hollypaw see him, but no one else? What ancient group of cats did he belong to? And if these ancient cats lived at the lake in ancient sunrises, where did they go? The tunnel's darkness feels oppressive, and deeper still, he swears he can see the darkness beyond his blindness. Compared to the glimmering lights of StarClan, the depths of ThunderClan are where souls go to die. He hopes his siblings don't get the courage to go down there.
And when he pulls on the stick? Pulls on it with that sixth sight. His vision shifts, headache blossoming, and Jaypaw almost feels his vision lifted elsewhere. The stick is old and powerful, and Jaypaw wonders…
The things of prophecies, visions, and healing are relegated to the medicine cats. Unreliable and finicky powers that come and go and are politely laughed at by warriors – given respect only in empty oaths. Compared to the grand tales of legendary warriors, the most remarkable stories of the medicine cats are trifling, insignificant things. These are the things that Jaypaw has a talent for and it burns.
Jaypaw takes to traveling his dreams. StarClan and its world of dreams become infinitely more exciting than the real world. Here, there are no boundaries and no walls.
He sees endless rivers and trees that hold up the sky. The boundless forests teem with life, and always alone and at a distance, he watches. There is no Spottedleaf or Yellowfang to disturb him. He goes farther. Here, his trifling sight expands and becomes godly. StarClan is laid bare, and he sees where the universe melts away. Jaypaw feels a star die, fiery rebirth sparking an endless song in the vastness. It's immeasurable, an infinite world for the dead to hide away and disappear into, but Jaypaw sees the boundaries and the places beyond places.
He climbs on a bet with himself. Stars lift him up into the sky until he's looking down on StarClan's hunting grounds. If there is any air is up here, it is very thin, with the invisible barrier above him straining under Jaypaw's push. Looking down…
It's beautiful.
Jaypaw is jealous of all StarClan has and wishes his real life was as beautiful as this.
But he's wasted enough time. It's almost time to wake up. He pushes upwards, feeling the strain of the world, and Jaypaw knows he's going somewhere else. He's leaving StarClan.
He breaks the surface, feeling like he just surfaced from under the lake again, and appears on an endless white cloudbank. He quite literally walks on clouds.
Where am I?
The scrawny tom turns, and in the distance, sunrises away, is a mountain. It towers over him, impossibly large, until its tip reaches more clouds and another layer in creation. Blueish light cascades over it, sparkled with glimmering lights that blink off and on softly. The cyclone of clouds at the peak and beneath his paws separates this realm from everything else. StarClan is beneath him and he is realms beyond realms above. The air is cold, crisp, and refreshing.
Jaypaw has this feeling that reaching the mountain is harder than it looks. There is some impossible distance between him and the monument.
Another moonrise.
It's the middle of Leafbare, and Jaypaw fights a new enemy.
"Jaypaw, we need more tansy and borage. Catmint is also getting low. I need to head out into the forest and find more. Can you handle the sick?" Leafpool meows. A giant dock leaf rests upon her back, sometimes used for carrying a large amount of herbs. Its smell is subtle but still strong enough for Jaypaw to tell where it is.
"I'm delivering catmint to all three of them. Borage for Whitewing since she might be pregnant, tansy for Ferncloud and Poppypaw. Juniper berries are prepared if Poppypaw's condition worsens," Jaypaw meows around the herbs stuffed in his mouth.
There's a frantic crash as Leafpool, in her haste, knocks something over, and the stressed tortoiseshell hisses under her breath before breathing out, "Good, good. Feel free to use some honey if Poppypaw raises a fuss."
"Sure," Jaypaw meows. He's not gonna waste honey on some apprentice he barely knows.
"Excellent," Leafpool mews. "I will be back before sundown."
Leafpool stumbles out the door, trying to balance the dock leaf on her back. Jaypaw believes that they are more trouble than they are worth.
Jaypaw tucks the tansy in his left cheek and the borage in his left. Catmint rests upon his tongue, and if he needs juniper berries, he can grab them later. The delicate movements required for managing herbs come easily to him, and Jaypaw is out of the stinky medicine den as soon as possible. The nursery is just around the bend.
He pushes in, and the smell of sickness hits him in the nose. He needs to do this quickly. Ferncloud is first, then Whitewing, and then to the apprentice's den to deal with Poppypaw. If he'd had his way, the three of them would've already moved into the medicine den, but stubborn pride is prevalent even in the queens.
"Ferncloud, I have tansy and catmint for you. Let's make this quick," Jaypaw meows. The queen has sectioned herself off into a corner in a feeble attempt to prevent the spread of greencough.
The queen wheezes a reply, but Jaypaw shoves past everyone else, shoving tansy and catmint down her throat. "Chew," Jaypaw meows sternly.
"Thanks," the queen manages to mew out.
While Ferncloud begins to chew, Jaypaw pushes a paw against her throat to feel the herbs sliding down into her gullet and then moves his paw lower to feel her heartbeat and lungs. They're sluggish, filled with slime, but there's nothing else he can do right now. His tongue flicks inside his mouth to feel how many herbs he has left.
A little less than half of the original amount of catmint. If I don't ration it out, I won't have enough for Poppypaw.
Ferncloud makes a choking sound, and Jaypaw has to whisper into her ear, "Breathe, slow and steady." Ferncloud's breathing levels out and she nods.
"Is Ferncloud going to be okay?" meows Foxkit from behind him.
"Of course," Jaypaw meows. "Now I need to go."
"Wait—"
Jaypaw leaves Ferncloud with her kits and the sleeping Daisy. They'll be fine. Probably. Their chances continue to drop dramatically the longer he's in the nursery. The Warriors' den is much more crowded, and Jaypaw has to fight through a crowd because none of the warriors respect proper quarantine to reach Whitewing.
"You have herbs for me?" she whispers, voice low and raw. "Where is Leafpool?"
"Out. I have borage for you along with catmint. Catmint is more important, but we're running low. Borage because you might be pregnant due to Birchfall. Borage is prechewed by me, and then you'll swallow. You'll need to chew the catmint yourself," Jaypaw meows quickly and to the point. "You'll listen to me as the only active medicine cat around."
"Not pregnant," the white she-cat meows, a spark of indigency in her tone. She's pregnant – Jaypaw can smell it on her.
"I don't care about your sex life," Jaypaw meows, ignoring the snort from Whitewing. "You'll eat these herbs like I tell you to. Go complain to Leafpool if you want sweet nothings whispered into your ear."
Whitewing raises a fuss, but then she opens her mouth to trade herbs with Jaypaw. Jaypaw tries to hold back on the catmint, but it isn't much. He repeats the same process he did with Ferncloud: paw to the throat, then to the chest. He makes sure Whitewing is okay, and then he's gone. He still has one more patient to visit.
The apprentice den is packed full. Berrypaw, Hazelpaw, Mousepaw, Cinderpaw, Honeypaw, Poppypaw, Lionpaw, and Hollypaw call it home. Fortunately, half of them are out, and Jaypaw can walk in to see Poppypaw. It's tranquil with only Honeypaw and Mousepaw, who, like bee-brains, huddle around their sick comrade. Poppypaw is on the floor, barely breathing with quiet thoughts.
"Poppypaw?" Honeypaw whispers. "It's time to get up."
"Mousebrains!" Jaypaw snorts. "Get away from the patient! Or you'll all get sick!"
It doesn't matter if Jaypaw walks all crunched in on himself. His viper-like tone scatters Honeypaw and Mousepaw. The two apprentices folding onto Jaypaw's left and right, eagerly looking over his work.
"Poppypaw!" he meows, but there's no response.
Jaypaw leans down. Paw's feeling out the young she-cat, ears to her chest as he rolls her over. There's breathing, but…
Foxdung, my stupid hearing isn't precise enough!
He needs to see. He needs to see more.
Jaypaw's vision expands, peering deep down into Poppypaw's mind. Her spirit flickers and dull thoughts glimmer like dying stars. She's dying.
No, not on my watch.
There's a gasp and a whimper from his peeking guests, but Jaypaw ignores them, yowling out, "I need help! I need to carry Poppypaw into the medicine den!" His voice reverberates around the camp.
Brackenfur and Sorreltail, parents of Poppypaw, thank StarClan, are the first to respond. Urgent meowing as they stumble into the apprentice's den to figure out what's wrong.
"Help me, please," Jaypaw meows. "She needs urgent treatment in the medicine den."
The frantic rush is a cacophony of voices and questions, but Jaypaw is hyper-focused on Poppypaw. Her shallow breathing and flickering lights. He will need juniper berries, nasty things, and honey to make them go down easier. He'll need to prep the honey. On a slab of bark? No, mixed in with the berries. His thoughts rush.
The moment Poppypaw is put down on one of the stone slabs, Jaypaw goes to work. Juniper berries are mixed into some of the stored honey, and nesting them between his teeth, he works them into Poppypaw's mouth with a slimy kiss. Honey-soaked catmint is next.
Poppypaw isn't swallowing.
"Jaypaw, is there anything—" Brackenfur meows, but Jaypaw interrupts.
"Quiet! I'm thinking!"
She's not swallowing. I need to make her swallow. How do I force a swallow? We don't have anything that can do that. Yarrow is the closest, but it makes you vomit instead…
Yarrow.
Jaypaw digs for the stored yarrow, so rarely used except for poisonings, and chews the faintest amount. The taste wants to make him vomit, but Jaypaw forces down his bile until the yarrow is a slimy paste.
Here goes nothing.
He shoves the chewed yarrow into Poppypaw's throat, and then Jaypaw grabs her throat, holding it closed. He feels Poppypaw vomit, stomach slime moving up her throat into her mouth, and then feels her reaction when she can't vomit it up. There's a moment where her whole body twitches violently, and Jaypaw thinks he's made a terrible mistake, but then her body swallows for her, trying to relieve her mouth of the vomit. When Jaypaw finally opens her mouth, the herbs have been sucked down.
There's a massive sigh of relief, and it takes a moment for Jaypaw to realize it comes from him. It's a sigh of relief that's far too soon as Poppypaw still doesn't move.
Was it not enough?
He looks again. Poppypaw's spirit is still fading. An echoing dream.
An echoing dream.
Jaypaw dives, a new sense of desperation guiding him. He hasn't felt this way before, but he's never had a patient before like dying Poppypaw.
Starlight opens up around him, the familiar grounds of StarClan. This time, he's on the edge of a deep forest, the world fading into glimmering fields of light behind him. He finds Poppypaw almost immediately.
"Jaypaw? What are you doing here?" meows Poppypaw. The dappled tortoiseshell stands lifelessly before him, four rabbit-lengths out, staring deep into the woods. Her voice is lively, but her body is not. It's like she's already a corpse.
"I came for you," Jaypaw meows. "We should go home."
Poppypaw giggles, "But… it's just so beautiful here. I think I should stay awhile. Everything is just so nice compared to that stuffy apprentice den."
Jaypaw moves a rabbit-length closer. "Yeah, it is," he meows, "but your parents miss you—" Poppypaw gives a short gasp, "—and I know Honeypaw and Mousepaw are worried too. You wouldn't want to upset them, would you?"
"Honeypaw and Mousepaw?" Poppypaw mews. Her paws tremble.
In times like these, Jaypaw wishes he knew his fellow apprentices more.
"Yeah, they were fretting over you nonstop," he says, hoping that's true. Jaypaw takes another rabbit-length forward. "They're going to finish their warrior ceremony with you."
"Yeah, but… I…" Poppypaw pauses. "I was dying, wasn't I? Am I dead? Are we both dead? This is StarClan."
"No," Jaypaw cuts in, stopping her developing panic. "You're not dead. I'm going to save you. So, please, let's go home."
"But," Poppypaw mews. Her legs begin to move her deeper into the forest. Jaypaw follows her, quickly closing the gap until his pelt brushes hers. Any caution he has is chased with the wind. He looks at her, forcing her to make eye contact. He sees her spirit, the essence of who she is. He can see where he needs to pull.
"Okay," she mews, the physical touch dragging her back to reality. She smiles. "Let's go home."
Jaypaw lets out a breath, feeling his ragged lungs, and begins to pull, unwinding the strands that bind Poppypaw to StarClan. It's so easy. The dream starts to falter.
"Good job."
The thought grazes his mind, and he looks up. Yellowfang is in the far distance, surrounded by trees. The grey she-cat's expression is stone, but Jaypaw feels her emotions. She feels—
"Poppypaw! Sweetie! You're awake!" meows Sorreltail. The older she-cat leans down into her daughter until both start shaking in a pile.
Brackenfur meows, "Thank StarClan, your okay." He joins his mate and daughter in the pile.
Jaypaw's limbs also feel shaky, and he licks his lips only to remember he has drool and vomit over his face. "Beebrains!" he hisses. "Your daughter still has greencough! Get away from her."
Sorreltail and Brackenfur try to detach themselves from their dazed daughter, but the tortoiseshell hugs them tight. "Mom, dad?" she mews, half-awake. "Jaypaw saved me. He was there. I saw him. We were in—"
"Shhh," Brackenfur meows. "It was just a dream. Jaypaw saved you with his medicine."
Poppypaw purrs and then goes silent as she relaxes on the stone tablet.
I just saved a life.
Jaypaw feels sick, his stomach growling and his heart a little too tight, but he musters his voice to meow, "Poppypaw will need to stay here in the medicine den to ensure her condition doesn't worsen. I'll watch over her. Her greencough is bad and will need to be managed."
"Thank you," Sorreltail meows, her voice cracking, "Thank you for saving our daughter! Whatever you need, you can have it." Brackenfur nods his consent.
Jaypaw snorts. Whatever he needs?
"Get me a big squirrel," he meows, trying to put as much bite as possible into it, but he's too tired. It comes out as a whimper instead as Brackenfur chuckles at him.
He still gets his squirrel.
Sometimes, Jaypaw forgets what his siblings look like. Hollypaw is black and tall and skinny but heavy at the same time. She's the color of his sight, the omnipresent darkness smothering him. But while Hollypaw can be intense and driven, she's also loyal and kind. She takes after him with her sharp wit. When Jaypaw lays at moonrise and feels the comfort of his nest, the soft, omnipresent warmth of a good rest, he imagines Hollypaw.
Lionpaw is different. He's orange. A color he doesn't discover until he begins to dream walking. He's the middle point between the heat of the sun and the coolness of the moon. And much like the sun, he's large and soft; there's so much life in his bones that Jaypaw likes to imagine his brother can never stop bouncing, running, or fighting. The moon because his brother is simple, unwanting of anything, drifting through the sky aimlessly yet still being the center-point that Hollypaw's and Jaypaw's life revolves around.
He loves his siblings, even if he isn't always good at showing it. Their warriors. Not just apprentices. It's in how they speak and act. They take up space when they walk into a den, and other cats move for them. Lionpaw through his size and Hollypaw through her otherworldly presence. They laugh and hunt and play and fight. They're living, unlike him, and if Jaypaw has to hunch in on himself or scurry across the ground, then, well, they don't mention it. He can't compare to them.
Cause the life of a medicine cat isn't really living. There is no love, kittens, fresh air, hunts, or glories on the battlefield. Your friends become sickness and plague. Every sunrise is a battle that no cat appreciates. There are no songs for the healers.
And well, if Jaypaw is terribly jealous of Hollypaw and Lionpaw, he doesn't mention it.
"Wanderer. You've arrived early," the stranger meows a distance out. The tom is charcoal grey with green eyes and white toes. The shaggy, crusty pelt gives him away as a mountain cat.
"If I've arrived early, you can point me in the opposite direction, and I'll be gone. I wouldn't want to disturb your important business," Jaypaws meows, conveying his disdain and eagerness to leave. "I've been trying to dream-walk all night without interruptions."
The ancient Tribe cat nods as if ignoring everything Jaypaw just said. "My name is Stone that Falls from Mountain Top. But you can call me Splat for short. I am—"
"Really? Splat?" Jaypaw interrupts. "Tell me this a joke. I need answers, not smart-whiskers."
The tom pauses, then laughs. "Yes, Splat! For when the falling stone crushed the lizard! You could say amusing names were part of our family's tradition for a couple generations. My mother hated the tradition, but even she couldn't resist the moment."
"He's too young, like she said."
"Sure," Jaypaw replies, ignoring the tom's rambling, instead latching onto the stray thought he sees. "I want answers, and you can't hide them from me. You're here on another cat's behalf. Tell her she can talk to me herself if she wants something. Else, I don't give a mousetail!"
The tom moves across the cavern floor, heading towards the cave entrance. "Follow me," he meows, ignoring Jaypaw again. "I will show you. And—" he adds a bit more humorous bite, "—do try not to peak into stranger's heads. It's very rude."
"She warned me of your cleverness."
Jaypaw bites on his angry retort when the spirit continues to move on without him, forcing him to keep up within the cavern. The cave of the Tribe of Rushing Water remains the same even in this dream-like reflection: long, echoey tunnels with the constant sound of the waterfall beating on rocks. On their way out, sparkling blue water catches his toes, ice cold and eye-opening. The wet-cold bites into Jaypaw's pelt, and he wishes he had a thicker pelt like Lionpaw.
"Look," Splat whispers, pointing to the beautiful horizon.
They peer into the night sky, and the world falls before them. Upon the single mountain peak, an endless cloud bank beneath them cloaks everything. Beyond this, there is nothing. Great fissures of silvery light streak across the mountain, curling upwards and downwards and through in and out of existence. Far above them, a circle of clouds brings fresh snow; farther still, the claw-moon sits solemn and silent.
I'm finally here.
"You have traveled here from far away with your siblings to help the Tribe of Rushing Water. But while they fight in the physical realm, you are here in the noble pursuit of answers. We welcome you! There is no cat like you. Not for many seasons have we seen a living visitor," Splat meows.
"You make as much sense as a fox in a fit," Jaypaw meows, tail twitching and not one to preen at compliments. "I want answers. Wanderer? She? I thought the Tribe of Endless Hunting would have answers since StarClan didn't, but all you've done so far is play jokester."
Splat hums, "You are the Wanderer because you have not yet found your place. Because you can go where others cannot, discover what others cannot find, and see more than others will dream of."
"Tell that to my physical body."
Splat smiles. "She is a cat you are not ready to meet. While she wishes to see you greatly, she has permitted me to judge whether you are ready. As for your other questions, we unfortunately do not have the information you seek. The prophecy that guides you and your siblings is beyond our skies. Your own ancestors may or may not help you more."
"May or may not?" Jaypaw questions, conveying his disdain in his curling whiskers.
"How am I supposed to know what your ancestors know?" Splat laughs. Despite everything, he's in good spirits, and Jaypaw wants to retch.
Jaypaw digs his claws into stone colder than ice, feeling it burn his paws. "Another waste of time, then. Crowfood like you just want to mess with me while my life is at stake. Feeling smug about yourselves while your descendants dance. I need proof that I'm not supposed to be a medicine cat," he hisses.
At last, there is a great billowing sadness from the tom, Jaypaw's favorite emotion from other cats. Splat meows, "You do not prize the healing arts? She said that you did…. The Stoneteller is a great healer, and his or her word carries much weight. Is it not the same in your Clans? It is much harder to give life than take it," he meows, looking down at Jaypaw.
Jaypaw curls in on himself, shivering from the cold, before hissing, "Why should I listen to you anyway? You're just a cat with a mousebrained name—" Splat wells with hurt, "—in case you haven't realized, I'm blind. Wandering around the ancient dead is all I'm good for. So what if I can read minds? Hollypaw can control them, and Lionpaw is invincible in battle. Everyone just thinks I'm the letdown of the three."
"Are you?" Splat murmurs.
Jaypaw scoffs, "You Tribe cats wouldn't understand. Everyone around me has always wanted me to be a medicine cat. There was no other choice. Where else was I supposed to go when Brightheart abandoned me, when StarClan cats kept visiting me, and when Leafpool swept me into her den? Who really cares about the prophecy in that context? Hollypaw wants to know about the prophecy cause she thinks it's going to be important – make us important, but I just want to prove I'm not supposed to be Leafpool's lackey for the next ten seasons…. Why am I even bothering talking to you?"
Splat chuckles, "Perhaps we share a connection. We both share grey pelts, after all." As if that means anything. Who cares that their pelts are the same? If anything, grey is the most boring, common color.
Jaypaw feels the cold bite into his fur, and it actually feels nice. It sinks into him and makes his body feel as miserable as his heart. Perhaps it would be nicer living up in the mountains where cats like him were respected. He'd never get the choice, though.
"Sure," Jaypaw meows to Splat. "Maybe we'll share a connection when hedgehogs fly."
"I do not know what a hedgehog is."
"Great."
Jaypaw kisses dirt. His left forepaw goes out from under him, and he tips over like a dead squirrel. His jaw lights up in pain, and in response, he grinds the dirt between his teeth, feels the grit, and then spits it out. It hardens his resolve in the sandy training hollow.
"Again," he meows. He's close to figuring it out. Leafpool swells with worry, but Jaypaw tightens his chest and picks himself up. His whiskers curl in agitation.
I'll show her.
"Jaypaw, we should rest. You've—"
"What, because I'm blind?" Jaypaw meows. "You said it yourself, 'Jaypaw, you need to learn how to defend yourself.' So teach me."
There's a time when Leafpool has no intention of teaching him self-defense, unlike all the other medicine cat apprentices. She frets over him like a mother, a mocking replacement to Squirrelflight. Leafpool doesn't want to see Jaypaw hurt a single fly; she doesn't think he can. Leafpool, like every ThunderClan cat, thinks he's a useless waste of space. Her heart skips a beat every time he gets in trouble, which is all the motivation he needs, really, to continue his escapades.
Hollypaw and Lionpaw can't do everything on their own, obviously. Jaypaw's gonna drag his useless pelt with them or die trying.
Leafpool sighs, resigning herself to beating him up, then begins to move in on a lazy offensive. Jaypaw can't tell what she's doing or where she will attack until she's a mouse-length away, which is demoralizing. There's a flash, some intangible movement, but Jaypaw isn't fast enough, and Leafpool lazily clocks him on the side of the head. Jaypaw is blind, but his eyes burn anyhow. The pain is not enough for him.
"Again."
"Jaypaw," Leafpool replies. "We—"
"I said again," Jaypaw meows sternly.
Leafpool pauses, patience running out, and then lashes out. There's another flash that Jaypaw can see somewhere beyond the darkness, and he leaps backward onto his hindlegs as Leafpool comes down into a front paw blow. Jaypaw's momentum carries him up and down, and he retaliates with his own front paw blow. Leafpool dodges, but Jaypaw sees another flash, this time of her attacking him from his left, and Jaypaw leans into his vision.
When Leafpool tries for a broad left swing, Jaypaw instead leans into it. The blow lands harmlessly just past his back, but Jaypaw's weight smashes into Leafpool, and Leafpool falls backward prone. Jaypaw smacks sheathed claws into her once – twice – and thrice before Leafpool rolls.
Leafpool performs a duck and twist, launching into another attack. Jaypaw leaps forward, angled leftward a moment after her leap, and catches her mid-air with his extended paws. There's a yank as Jaypaw skids onto the dirt, slamming a breathless Leafpool into the ground.
Leafpool performs a duck and twist, launching into another attack. Jaypaw leaps forward, angled leftward a moment after her leap, and catches her mid-air with his extended paws. There's a yank as Jaypaw skids onto the dirt, slamming a breathless Leafpool into the ground.
"How did he do that while blind?"
Shock floods Leafpool's frame. She's breathless on the ground, but Jaypaw takes away his own breath with his own realization. Jaypaw holds in a laugh. He's reached it. How's that for being helpless? He can see the future. It's too late for his warrior apprenticeship, but in time to beat Leafpool into the ground.
"I didn't expect that. Well done, Jaypaw," Leafpool meows. "We… should take a break."
"I didn't expect that. Well done, Jaypaw," Leafpool meows. "We… should take a break."
"I'm not weak just because I'm blind," Jaypaw replies. "I'm going to be better than you and prove I can be a warrior." Seeing Leafpool's condescending thoughts is easier than swallowing a minnow. He curls his tail in and fluffs up his scruff in defense.
"Jaypaw, a warrior isn't all just about fighting. You have a gift with medicine and communicating with StarClan. You'd be stuck as an apprentice forever if you convinced Firestar to switch you back to Brightheart, please," Leafpool meows, picking herself off the ground to face him. "I'm trying to help."
"Jaypaw, a—"
"Everyone just thinks you're the sweetest thing. So much better than every other cat in ThunderClan," Jaypaw meows, voice past the point of anger and into the tranquility of rage. "But you know the one thing you have in common with all our other Clanmates? You're just as willing to give up on some cat when it's convenient or easy. Put your faith in StarClan; everything just works out."
"Jaypaw! Please,—"
"I'm not done!" Jaypaw hisses when he sees Leafpool beginning to open her throat. He continues, "It gives crowfood like you or Brightheart—" Leafpool wells in hurt and shakes, "—easy excuses to abandon or force me into becoming a medicine cat. Cause the medicine den is where you shove the meek, injured, and blind."
"Jaypaw, if you didn't want to be a medicine cat, why did you become my apprentice?"
Jaypaw has never met a more bat-blind cat. How can she not possibly know? How does she stomach this work? How does she not see how everyone treats him? How she treats him! How in Silverpelt can a cat be so filled with fox-dung?
Leafpool opens her mouth to say more platitudes, but Jaypaw's sunrise is ruined again. "I hate you," he meows.
Jaypaw doesn't bother paying attention to Leafpool's response or her emotions. He sees something else with his sight beyond sight and wants to know more. He's more powerful than he imagined.
"Is everything all right over here?" meows Berrynose, the cream-colored tom peaking his nose out from the bushes. "I heard the commotion."
"Is everything all right over here?" meows Berrynose, the cream-colored tom peaking his nose out from the bushes. "I heard the commotion."
I can see the future…. How far can I push this?
The stick pulls on him, and Jaypaw feels his consciousness slipping. Each etch is a life, and he needs to know why. There's a glimmer like Jaypaw is falling into another dream, but the headache returns and Jaypaw's eyes begin to burn.
"Jaypaw! Can you check up on Longtail and Mousefur, please!"
Leafpool's voice pulls him out before Jaypaw can test if his eyes can explode.
Jaypaw bites his tongue and then hisses to himself. "Yeah, sure," he meows, grabbing a stack of mousebile as he exits the den. The rancid taste of the herb reminds him of its namesake, and Jaypaw lets the disgust wash down his body into his tail, where he gives Leafpool a rude goodbye.
The elder's den faintly smells like rotting grass, and Jaypaw's nose wrinkles as he steps into Longtail and Mousefur's abode. The duo of elders have been stuck to the hip for as long as Jaypaw could remember. He had checked if they were having an affair, but nothing had ever turned up. Not even in their dreams.
Jaypaw spits the mousebile out onto the floor. "Mousebile for ticks. Who needs it?" he meows, watching his saliva pool over his herbs. Longtail and Mousefur are in the center of the room, bundled up in a ball, chatting about something. Jaypaw doesn't care, and they stop anyhow when he shows up.
"Mousefur has a stubborn tick on her back that she won't let me help with," Longtail meows.
"Longtail! It's fine. Jaypaw, help him instead. He's been complaining all day about itching," Mousefur replies, voice raised, part indigent, part humorous. "Longtail's helpless now without some mousebile. He couldn't clean himself even if StarClan asked him to!"
Longtail hisses, but there's no bite in it.
Jaypaw rolls his blank eyes and picks up the clump of mousebile. He shouldn't have spit it out, as now it's covered in dirt. He steps over to the blind tom and begins the cleaning process. Mousebile is rubbed into Longtail's pelt until he feels the lumps of ticks start to break off. It's disgusting work, as usual.
Longtail flinches from a particularly rough bite from Jaypaw, and the elder tom meows, "Hey, be careful!"
Jaypaw snorts, "Maybe if you could clean yourself, I wouldn't need to rip into your pelt." He bites hard on the next tick, intentionally tugging on some fur.
Longtail hisses, "Can't believe they didn't retire you. Terrible medicine cat. I remember the sunrises of Yellowfang, and even she had a better attitude than you."
Even now, he can't escape Yellowfang.
Jaypaw grabs that bubbling anger in his chest and shoves it down again into his heart. He stokes it, imagining it burning down a tree for fuel. The indignity of Longtail talking down to him burns, and Jaypaw lets out the barest flame. Longtail doesn't know it yet, but Jaypaw sees him.
"Does talking down to me feel good because you're useless while I'm not? Maybe you just think you're better than me because you lost your eyesight instead of being born blind." Jaypaw pauses to rub in it. He meows, "Here's what makes me feel good: you're as useful as a dead fox, sitting in this ripe den wasting your sunrises away until you die while I'm making a difference. Firestar should've tossed you aside the moment he had the chance. "
Longtail hisses, hackles raising, and it looks momentarily like he will get up and do something rash. Jaypaw is ready for the fight. Then, Mousefur gently grabs Longtail's forepaw, seemingly holding the tomcat down. "Jaypaw! Longtail! Both of you stop. Jaypaw, you should leave before Longtail does something mousebrained," Mousefur meows, looking at him.
Jaypaw ignores her. Jaypaw's eyes begin to sting, but he pushes onwards. If this was the dream world, he would be ten times more powerful, but it isn't; instead, his eyes burn. He sees Longtail. Digs up his shame.
"You must dream of dying like a martyr. Spent your warrior suns cheating the queens and kits out of their food. Then, just when you think you can redeem yourself, you're struck blind, lame, and useless. You're worse than dead weight," Jaypaw meows, voice sharp and cruel. "You're the disease. Maybe Poppydawn will forgive you in StarClan, but I doubt it."
Longtail unsheathes his claws, the scent of adrenaline filling the air, but Mousefur holds him down. Jaypaw's pelt prickles, and he unsheathes his own claws.
"You best leave. I'm not sure where you heard that story, but I won't tolerate that kind of disrespect to Longtail. Honorable medicine cat or not," Mousefur meows, voice simmering in rage.
They deserve it.
"Shame," Jaypaw meows. "I needed to treat some ticks.—" Longtail nearly jumps to his paws in hate, "—You understand, right? Useful cats need—"
"Leave, or I'll be helping Longtail remove both of your ears," Mousefur meows. "You'll treat that injury yourself." The dark-brown she-cat seems entirely serious, her emotions stilling in a terrifying pool of commitment, and Jaypaw gets a flash of him returning to Leafpool with a bloody face and missing two ears. He can't take both of them in a fight, even with his powers.
His eyes sting.
"We know how to treat ticks with mousebile. Leave, or I'll make you leave," Mousefur finishes. The she-cat wraps her tail around the vibrating Longtail, who's bitten his lip in anger and shame, but it's Mousefur's steady thump of angry resolution that makes Jaypaw scuttle out of the elder's den with his tail between his legs.
Something cruel brews in Hollypaw's and Lionpaw's hearts. Hollypaw's heart too fragile – Lionpaw's heart too dense. When Jaypaw looks at them, he sees roaring fire and dripping blood. Only one of them is going to make it.
Jaypaw needs answers. He needs them soon.
Falling into the dream world is like experiencing the gentle rocking of a lullaby from Squirrelflight. The smooth transition from the medicine den to the realm of StarClan pulls Jaypaw into a realm without responsibility, without care, and without nagging cats. His dreams in the waking world become reality. Here, he's as powerful as his imagination.
The soft weight of the immaterial blankets him like water, and Jaypaw pushes himself upwards and outwards into a stream. Water, made of violet starlight, splashes against his snout, and Jaypaw lifts himself into the air. Floating over a riverbank of stars, Jaypaw shakes out his pelt. He has a goal and a cat he wants to meet.
If Yellowfang wants to involve herself in his life, she can help him.
The air changes color, going from iridescent rainbows to a sharp grey that whips into him from the left side. The air pushes him, and Jaypaw rides the wave. He sees all the components of this world and knows how to use them. The grey wind will lead him to Yellowfang.
Jaypaw takes a moment to revel in the beauty around him.
The pop of the dream world-shattering breaks him out of his revelry. There's a surge, and Jaypaw has to shift sideways as some other force pings his senses. Starlight becomes gravel, and the tunnels' unnatural darkness surrounds him. Jaypaw feels a presence approaching him, a cat of malice, and he decides he wants nothing to do with it.
The Place of No Stars.
He's a much different cat now than the tiny apprentice who visited them so long ago. The little lines in the dream, where one world merges into the other, are obvious, and Jaypaw snaps them like a twig. Ironically, even now, he doesn't use his eyes; the fault lines in the dream world cannot be seen even with his StarClan eyes, and that invisible sight of the waking world guides him along the moving StarClan border.
Jaypaw wonders if he's actually moving the world around him or just moving with it.
Jaypaw's eyes begin to itch, but he blinks it away as he fights the pull of the Dark Forest. The oppressive darkness is like a flooding river, and Jaypaw flashes back to the frozen river with Briarheart. Jaypaw breathes and lets the darkness catch him.
"I'm disappointed that one of my grandchildren would choose to be a medicine cat," meows Tigerstar. The dark, brooding tom comes from Jaypaw's front, imposing his will upon the dream world as Jaypaw slides from one dream to another. Jaypaw doesn't even think Tigerstar knows what he's doing nor of the difficulty.
Tigerstar is here because of the prophecy. He didn't care before Hollypaw told him, but now that Jaypaw has "the power of the stars," he cares enough to use him. To Tigerstar, the forest doesn't need healers or prophets or wise-cats. Medicine cats are weak in his eyes. Tigerstar only admires strength in the end.
He's obviously never met a medicine cat like Jaypaw before.
"You should've cared before I had magical powers," Jaypaw snorts. Tigerstar opens his mouth to reply, brimming anger in his tone, but Jaypaw shoves hard, once again seeing the grey wind at his back, and Tigerstar is ripped sideways as gravity and the world shift. The world turns inwards like a torn tree trunk, and as Tigerstar lands sideways on one of the nearby craggy pines, Jaypaw moves.
Jaypaw takes a single step forward, which carries him twenty tree-lengths, and then another step, which brings him another twenty after that. Jaypaw sees the edge of StarClan and spins the ground beneath his paws with the push of his paws. Jaypaw keeps his balance through the twisting world, but Tigerstar isn't so lucky. The tyrant's will over the dream falters, and like swallowing a minnow, Jaypaw imposes his own.
The half-dream of The Place of No Stars shatters, and Jaypaw again steps into StarClan. The mental wall of energy that Jaypaw places behind him secures his safety, and he feels the mental barrier of his creation blocking out his grandfather's presence. Just like that, Tigerstar will never touch him again.
How's that for a medicine cat.
Jaypaw sees the current leading to Yellowfang, grey wind pushing at his back, and he follows the trail, moving from the corrupted woods of the Place of No Stars back into the river-woodlands of StarClan. There's a path forged from smoothed rocks and flattened grass that carves upwards into hilly territory, and Jaypaw breathes in the scents of hundreds of cats he doesn't recognize as he traverses the trail. He doesn't have to look hard for Yellowfang, the grey molly not trying to hide herself.
"You're making a mess," meows Yellowfang.
The grey she-cat is in a secluded part of the woods, though Jaypaw sees flashes of other cats frequenting the area. The treeline is of maple oaks, but they reach tall and cast dark shadows over the clearing. The undergrowth is damp and sticky under his paws.
Jaypaw snorts, making sure to be petty enough to twist the grass and dirt in the clearing. "The Place of No Stars is after me and my siblings. I have bigger concerns than making messes. Did you know I could block out dreams?" He takes a spot a fox-length away, sitting in a pile of leaves.
"No."
"Don't bother answering," Jaypaw meows. "I just figured it out."
"Reading another cat's thoughts is rude. Though I suppose not much of a concern for many nor for a knowledge seeker like yourself," Yellowfang meows softly. "Firestar was a bit like you when he was younger. Though he was kinder."
"You think I came here for knowledge?" Jaypaw meows, frown on his whiskers.
"Yes."
"I came here for answers."
"Are they not the same thing to you?" Yellowfang finishes, and for the last time. She meows, "You remind me of myself when I was younger, and it concerns me. Regardless, I'm sorry for not having the answers you seek. No Clanmate here does. My powers have grown here in death, but there are still limits. The strings of destiny and fate are beyond me and the others. We are just conduits for powers greater than us."
"I'm sorry."
Jaypaw pauses, peering into the ancient she-cat. "You're serious? You don't actually know anything about the prophecy, do you? No one here does. You StarClan cats are sitting on all this power, and you still don't know anything."
The former medicine cat licks her yellow teeth, thoughts in disarray. "Do you know why I appear old here in StarClan? It is because I was happiest when I died. I—'
"I don't care," Jaypaw meows. She's going to say something about being a medicine cat again. "All you StarClan cats have are words. My siblings are in danger, and you can't help me. Can never help me."
Yellowfang continues, "When I was young, I too had a gift, as most soon-to-be medicine cats have, and at first I thought it to be a curse—" Jaypaw opens his mouth to speak, but Yellowfang hisses, "You will listen! If you respect your family and your duty, you will listen. I, too, was obsessed with the warrior's strength, but there are many forms of power. Jaypaw, you are more powerful than you can imagine, but sometimes you must let what will come to pass. If I had known of my son's dark future, I would have killed him early, but I would've never become the cat I am today."
Jaypaw realizes he shouldn't have come. The cats in StarClan are just the same as the cats in ThunderClan. He's better off alone.
"You should've killed your son then—" he pauses, feeling Yellowfang's anger, "—There's no happiness to be found in curing the sick and dying," Jaypaw hisses."If you really think of yourself as my grandmother in some twisted fashion, then you should tell me where I can find answers about the prophecy. Instead of empty platitudes while my siblings suffer."
"I…"
"I'll block you from ever reaching me," Jaypaw adds. "Like I blocked Tigerstar. I'll do it to Hollypaw and Lionpaw and Firestar too. You'll never see your precious 'kits' again."
Anger bubbles within the old she-cat. Yellowfang says, "If you are so set against the arts of healing, other Clans will accept a blind warrior." Jaypaw opens his mouth to retort, to call her a dungface, but Yellowfang raises a paw and continues, "ShadowClan works in the shadow of the moon. Your temperament would work well in my old Clan, and WindClan's tunnelers travel by touch and scent alone." She pauses, taking a moment to breathe and recenter her whirlpool of emotions. "If you wish to abandon your duties, I will help however possible."
"Rich coming from a medicine cat clan-swapper."
Yellowfang doesn't flinch, but they both know their discussion is over. Their relationship is over – she'll never see him again. Jaypaw will make it so.
Sadness wells from her, along with a hint of bitterness. "StarClan wished for me to become a medicine cat – so a medicine cat I became, upon where I found the love of my life," she meows. "StarClan has not laid out such a destiny for you. Your path is your own. Nevertheless, I hope you find peace in your work. Do not forget, the medicine cat's greatest weapon is their mind, their best tool, knowledge."
Jaypaw twitches. "Goodbye," he meows with finality. He gets up off of his haunches and starts to leave. Something in his tone tips Yellowfang off to his demeanor and intent.
"Wait!" Yellowfang pleads, suddenly afraid that she'll never see her grandson again. Disgusting. "The Celestial Forest. The birthplace of prophecies. I know of no cat who has ever seen or survived it except for perhaps the founders and the long-gone cats of the ancient world. Tigerclan, Lionclan, and their elk." She pauses before continuing, with caution and fear in her emotions, "You may find answers there. Though danger as well. Some places aren't meant to be seen."
….
"Please—"
It's an answer Jaypaw can use. "I'll see you around," he meows, not looking back. He shatters the dream.
Jaypaw doesn't bother asking around. He has a name, a single clue, which is all he needs. If Yellowfang's Celestial Forest is as rare as she thinks it is, he'll never get an answer from another StarClan cat. He'll need to find it himself.
The next sundown, he curls up next to Leafpool, maintaining the awkward silence of apathy between them, and then dives deep into his world of colors.
At first, he doesn't even know where to begin. StarClan's immeasurable vastness feels daunting when he needs to find a specific place, but then Jaypaw closes his eyes and lets himself see. StarClan comprises stars, layered and layered upon each other in an infinite expanse. To make it worse, multiple forests, grasslands, and riverlands are stacked onto each other until the whole thing blends into a giant ethereal lake. The universe floats, tilting sideways and then wobbling back like a plank of wood resting on the lake's surface.
Just like it's immeasurable distance, it must be immeasurably lonely. How does one ever find their loved ones without powers like his?
Everything spirals outwards towards some indiscriminate point. The stars are ever so slightly tilted into some invisible pattern that only Jaypaw can see. Here, his vision extends out a hundred tree-lengths in all directions, and Jaypaw sees he's on the edge of something massive.
It's time to see what's in the center of StarClan.
The stars are constantly moving, capable of carrying a cat great distances if one only knows how. In StarClan, Jaypaw knows everything. The stars carry him, his paws shifting when he feels one star slowing down or changing direction. In StarClan, one does not need to run to travel a great distance.
The forest falls behind him, and then he's in a starlit grassland. The sharp winds buffet him, but then Jaypaw takes another step, and he's gone. There's a marshland, then a forest again. He's surrounded by pines. Shadows loom around him. Here, the stars cast shades of darkness instead of light, but it doesn't feel oppressive like the Place of No Stars, so Jaypaw lets the pine forest swallow him.
He comes out into stranger lands.
Pine and maple blend together into weird-looking trees. They stretch upwards, unnaturally tall, but their roots dig into nothing but rushing water. Jaypaw eats a gust of wind, and it takes all of his concentration to not let the illusion of him walking on water break. His paws are swallowed by fresh river water; there is nothing else below him. Light shatters across his vision, and he violently closes his eyes. The stars violently twist into each other, casting strange optical illusions of light before crashing outwards into light and dark sunbeams.
Jaypaw thinks he's pursuing a nexus point. Some sort of amalgamation of the Clans. Trees, pines, rivers, wind, it's all merging together. This place will have the answers he is looking for.
There's another place that Jaypaw can see now. His sight expanding. The site looks old. Worn down and chiseled into shape by ancient forces of nature. The expanding layers of StarClan fold into each other particularly strong here; sharp ancient cracks shoot outwards from the center point, twenty tree-lengths ahead, and Jaypaw can imagine StarClan expanding outwards from this point. Somewhere in the distant past, when belief was strong enough to shape the universe, this is where it all began.
The stars hold the answers. Not the cats of StarClan themselves.
Jaypaw pulls himself forward the last stretch until he can feel himself centered on the point where everything folds in on itself. The center of StarClan. There's something here. Some hole, tighter than a fox's den. The sound is indescribable – louder and more vicious than a hundred fox mothers.
This time, he's the one who's exploring the territories alone. Facing the danger. He doesn't need his siblings' help. It's his turn to save the Clans. He's just as much as Hollypaw or Lionpaw.
Jaypaw takes a deep breath and steps down.
The world falls out from beneath him. His ears begin to pop, but then Jaypaw hits solid ground. Immediately, he feels overwhelmed. Around him, the trees smash down on him, pressing into his frame. Claw-like winds and rushing water crash into him from all directions, and the edge of his vision is polluted by great billowing clouds of shadow. He braces himself on a tree but already feels the wind and water rake down his pelt like physical blood-drawing blows.
He's not supposed to be here.
It's a weird sensation, feeling like you're both drowning and breathing in fresh air, but something about the ethereal quality of StarClan allows him to push past the pain. The tight quarters of an impossibly dense forest and limited vision of only a tree-length out feel more confining than any rushing, blood-drawing water and wind.
Jaypaw's heart beats in his chest, and he has to take a deep breath to refocus. The impossibly dense forest's undergrowth cloaks everything and blocks his every step. A rabbit bounces across the edge of his vision, and he sees the life of WindClan tom flash in front of his eyes. The tree beside him is a ThunderClan warrior named Hawksight, his life a hundred lifetimes away, and the roots curl down into his kits, who spread outwards into a fern and holly bush. Hawksight's branches in the sky curl and grasp alongside another tree, his mate.
Everything in this forest is a life or story.
I need...
The water at his paws shifts, and Jaypaw sees it's guiding him somewhere towards some giant tree. He's too far away to make out details.
Jaypaw gets up to move from his spot, and the world almost takes his paws out from underneath him. Away from the support of a trunk, his body is battered by conflicting waters and winds, desperately trying to dash his body against the surrounding oaks. Jaypaw makes it four steps before a surge of water tips him sideways, and he splits his flank against another oak. His paws want to slide out from underneath him, the guiding water a violent contrast against the beating current in his face.
Jaypaw's body fails him, so instead, he lifts himself up with the water, dragging his body through the storm.
The bramble bush blocking his way are two warriors from ten seasons back, traveling alongside a river and gorge. He can't make out who it is as the world pushes against him, and he feels almost lifted off the ground by the force. He pushes through the brambles quickly and violently and feels blood across his coat.
The giant tree is now ahead of him. Five tree-lengths away, separated by rocks, scrambling rabbits, and roaring water and wind that blankets everything. Jaypaw feels his heart spasm and his throat contracts.
I'm fine.
He'll make it. He'll force himself to make it.
The great tree splits unnaturally into three great trunks, spiraling wildly into the sky. Three great forces act upon it; one trunk is buffeted by harsh winds, unbreaking in the onslaught, while another seems to be covered in ice and blossoms. The last trunk stretches painfully high and wide, forking into a thousand branches that extend infinitely in all directions.
Sharp stabbing pain hits him in the kidney until his stomach flexes. He almost vomits. Jaypaw's deep breath is stolen by the ethereal wind and water. It steals his thoughts, will, and suffering. It steals everything from him.
I'm fine.
His body jerks, muscles spasming because he's not fine, and Jaypaw bites down on his tongue. He curses his body even here. Lionpaw wouldn't have half the trouble navigating this mess. He needs to focus and see.
The tree's… a focal point. A great nexus or an ancient story. Past and future are wrapped into something alive and growing, continuously changing. It's a prophecy…. it's his prophecy. Each trunk represents him and his siblings and their course of destiny. Who is who?
It turns out destiny is not so immutable after all.
Only, perhaps, if Jaypaw can get closer. See more details. He could see and change his future, determine what's wrong with Hollypaw, and tell Lionpaw whether to pursue Heatherpaw.
"Retreat! To camp! Let us kill them there!" yowls Ratscar. The brown tom falls back from the sudden ThunderClan rush, preparing to bolt. His comrades, the apprentice's Shrewpaw and Scorchpaw and the warrior Snaketail, follow his lead, pivoting on a hasty retreat.
Hollystrike yanks them down to earth. Kneel.
The vision of his sister hits him, and Jaypaw's left paw bumps into a thick root; he trips as it snags his paw. More whisks into the aether. The ice-covered root is an extension into the past and future. The prophecy weaves itself into the fabric of reality, older and older until Jaypaw loses track of it. It's always existed.
Jaypaw pulls himself up, letting the wind hold him this time, and notices his limbs shaking. A wave of dizziness hits him, and he feels the world around him tearing into him. The roaring water and wind are just a distraction from the spiritual pressure that wants him gone. The primordial Celestial Forest is the center of creation, continually expanding and changing. There's no other way to describe it. Even the spirits of the dead aren't meant to be here, and Jaypaw knows he'll need to leave soon.
He's so close, though.
Jaypaw can feel the land shifting around him, and some invisible sense tells him he might never find this tree again. This could be his only chance to figure out the prophecy.
Everything he's ever wished to know is in front of him.
He takes two steps, then—
Celandine juice is dropped into his eyes and Jaypaw sputters. The lingering taste of feverfew and horsetail in his mouth tells him everything he needs to know. '
"You…"
"Shhh," Leafpool mutters frantically. "Your whole body was seizing up. Your eyes are inflamed, and you have some minor internal bleeding." The tortoiseshell is up during moonhigh, eyes covered in wet mucus. "Here," she mews, holding a piece of lavender under Jaypaw's nose. "Smell."
Jaypaw breathes deep, and he feels his chill passing.
"You woke me up. I was dreaming. I… it was a good dream," Jaypaw meows. He decides to keep the exact details of his adventure to himself. Shifting his head, he feels a dock leaf beneath him and sighs. Leafpool really did use everything on him.
"Jaypaw! You were writhing and seizing in your sleep. Your eyes were inflamed to the point where I thought you had somehow injured them, and you were bleeding slightly on closer inspection," Leafpool meows. "Did you forget that you slept next to me? Did you think I just wouldn't notice? I couldn't let you suffer."
Jaypaw doesn't know if he'll be able to survive the Celestial Forest again. The environment was too brutal and too malleable. It shifted between his every step. He'd never find that grand tree again, even if he tried. He failed. The enormity of his failure crashes down upon him.
"Did you ever think I would've preferred to continue my dream?" he meows. He pulls himself up, the familiar stench of Leafpool and the medicine den around him, and realizes that, yeah, he was seizing up in the night. His whole body feels sore, and he tastes lingering blood in the mouth. He could've died if his adventure went on longer. "You should've left me," he finishes.
Leafpool rolls her tongue in her mouth, irritation mixing into her emotions. She doesn't feel appreciated for saving him, but Leafpool can eat crowfood for all he cares. "You would've died," she meows sternly. "You were dying in my nest."
"Would've been better than this," Jaypaw whispers, but not low enough for Leafpool to miss it.
"Jaypaw!"
"You don't get it, do you?" Jaypaw meows, voice angry. He lets the anger bubble into his throat, and his searing glare shuts down Leafpool's response. "I hate you, and I wish I'd never met you! I wish I hadn't been born blind into this flea-brained Clan so I wouldn't have to stomach your presence. The sunrise I was forced into this position was the sunrise I swore I'd never forgive you nor your Clanmates for always looking down on me. Medicine cat work isn't honorable work. Its work for the cripples, softhearts, and weaklings. It's all the reasons why they stuck me in here with you. I don't want to be anything like you!"
There's silence in the den, and Jaypaw realizes he's almost yowling by the end of his rant. Leafpool is sad but not surprised – she's, most of all, not angry. She isn't the type to yell back, but he wishes she was.
"I'm sorry, Crowfeather."
Crowfeather? The WindClan warrior has nothing to do with this.
Leafpool finally speaks, "I… I'll ask Firestar about Brightheart and whether she's willing to take you on again as her apprentice. She mentioned that you willingly stepped down and—"
"I fell into a river, and Brightheart pitied me," Jaypaw hisses. "Brightheart thought I was pathetic and was just waiting for me to become your apprentice. Willingly stepped down. Bees in your brain."
"Brightheart wouldn't—"
"I'm leaving," Jaypaw meows. "I'll be back by sunup." He turns, limping out of the medicine den, ignoring Leafpool's following cry. The crisp air is a welcome relief to Leafpool's stench. Sorreltail is on vigil this moonhigh, a couple rabbit-lengths away from them protecting the internal camp, and she's staring at him.
Jaypaw growls an unverbal "Leave it alone!" and Sorreltail turns back to watch the camp's front entrance.
Dirt Place still has that secret exit for emergencies, and Jaypaw uses it to exit ThunderClan's camp without alerting any of the guards. The woodland around ThunderClan's camp is easy to get lost in, and Jaypaw lets himself wander until he's confident he can't find his way back. Let Leafpool and the pieces of crowfood try to find him in the morning.
In the darkness, Jaypaw lets himself shake and shiver until he's a wreck on the ground.
Jaypaw strips cats bare. He sees their darkest secrets, deepest regrets, and every nasty, passing thought. He sees their pity - their insult to him. They stand there saying sweet words, regret in their hearts, and it burns him. Hollypaw and Lionpaw come to comfort him, and he sees their darkness, too. No cat believes in him.
Jaypaw doesn't believe in himself.
He's powerless, unable to change his world and siblings, and it burns like a fire in his belly. Fire is his legacy, the raging wildfire that consumes and nurtures until everything is reborn anew, but Jaypaw's fire is a cold, lonely thing that he holds so closely until it burns him and every cat around him.
He holds it tighter and nurses the cold, burning fire.