Falling
Author's notes: To me it always seemed that Ray realised what was happening between him and Neela just a little bit sooner and he was falling just a little bit harder. Maybe because she got married later and that put up moral barriers for her until Michael leaving again created space for Ray to get closer to her. This is just an imagining of Ray's realisation that he is falling for his roommate/best friend. Set after Michael left for Iraq again and before Neela moved out.
All credit to the ER writers. I don't own the characters.
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Neela Rosgotra…I used to think she was uptight, nerdy and a bit too serious. When we shook hands on her moving in, I figured we would irritate each other but for the most part we wouldn't see each other while we were on different shifts. I used to sneak in when I got home late, sometimes with a groupie. I became a bit more considerate after a few months, trying to be quiet or suggesting to the girl that we go to hers instead. Then it just didn't feel right bringing anyone home at all. It was Neela's home too.
It's the little things. The way she gets things done or fixed. To come home from a stressful day at work and to find things in order is calming. I didn't realise how chaotic things had been before she came. Going out used to be my outlet. My music still is but now I don't need the adulation from fans. There's always a thrill when you perform live but that's where it ends for me now. The best part of the evening is going home to our place where she may just be waiting up for me after finishing work.
We've fallen into some kind of rhythm. We shop together, we decide dinner together…I even cook dinner now! The truth is, I love impressing her. Her eyes light up when I remember she likes extra anchovies on her pizza or when I've remembered to record one of her favourite shows. She thinks I haven't noticed her secretly drinking my tequila and I let her think I don't know because I like her feeling that comfortable with me. Watching her let her hair down after a few drinks is a lot of fun, it's infectious. I get to hear her laugh now and it's a sound I'll never get tired of.
She feels so at home now that she walks around our apartment in her tank tops and sweatpants, her hair messily tied up. She still manages to look good. I feel privileged to see the not so pulled together Neela because no one else gets to see that. Neela is like a medical encyclopedia but she lacks confidence. She actually asks me for help when she's having a meltdown now and I jump at the chance to rescue her. I get high off being her hero. It's a case of doing anything for my roomie because I want her to be ok. I want her to succeed. I want her to be happy. I don't think she knows how brilliant she is or could be.
Our chats on the couch are probably the best thing about us. When she opens up and tells me how she's feeling beneath that seemingly unphased exterior, it's like she's entrusted me with the most valuable treasure. When she confides in me with her vulnerability on show, it incentivises me to reveal parts of myself that I've kept pushed down and hidden. I want her to see all of me. I started to see that she wasn't just a socially awkward intellect but a sensitive, caring person with an instinctive leaning towards doing the right thing. Under her influence, I've found myself thinking about the right thing to do a lot more. I'm taking my job as a doctor a lot more seriously and I'm thinking about my patients and those around me with a different kind of awareness.
Sometimes, it's the easy silence that says it all. I don't feel the need to fill in the gaps because in those moments, we're both relaxed in this little haven we've created. Just feeling her head on my shoulder as we watch a movie or as we listen to our most loved songs, gives me a feeling of contentment. When I catch her taking little looks at me, I know that's because she feels it too. I don't know if she feels like that with Gallant and to be honest, I try to not think about it.
I don't know how we got here and it's something I never saw coming but I don't ever want her to leave. Seeing her at work means we don't have to be too long without touching base. I find myself checking my shifts to see if we're on at the same time just so I can find an excuse to see her or arrange a coffee break. I have to admit it to myself. I miss her in minutes.
Somehow, I've got it bad. I know I've been kidding myself because she's not just my roomie or friend. She's the best friend I've ever had but at the same time, she's something I've never had. She's the inspiration for a song that I've got swirling around my head. I haven't got all of the words yet, they're a bit a jumble but the melody is one I subconsciously tap out on surfaces whenever she's around. I guess this is what falling feels like. It catches you off guard and before you know it, you're under a force beyond your control.