Paris, September 1814

Colin spins Penelope, pulls her in and they stop, he is cupping her face looking into her eyes, touching her lips w his thumb, but the dance ends suddenly, she curtseys and leaves, his feet stuck to the floor.

Colin startles awake, almost convulsing. Covered in sweat, soaking the sheets of the bed at the hostel he was staying in. His heart is pounding. This had happened every single night since the featherington ball. He vaguely remembered even joking about how he'd never dream of such a thing…it wasn't even funny he thought for the briefest of moments before getting up.

After a day of roaming around Paris for the 29th time (not that it was so bad) it's just all he had done (and he had done it by himself) for the last 29 days. And all day everyday he had this aching feeling in the pit of his stomach that when his tour was over, things would be less than ideal at home—although he couldn't quite put his finger on the exact thing that troubled him so, just an overwhelming feeling of dread at the thought of going home. And also the anxiety and sense of abandonment if he stayed away much longer.

It really started getting bad at the end of his second week there. He had written a letter to his family, He received responses a week after he had written to them. But he had written to Penelope almost every single day~and nothing.

For so long he wrote it off as her just being busy, and then he realized it might be because she was scared to talk to him after she realized Eloise had told him.

But he realized this week 3, and so he wrote her a letter…making it clear that he wasn't angry and just wanted her to respond to let him know she was well.

But nothing.

His evenings out were his escape…he'd head down the brothels and lose himself in booz and pleasurable company (as every young man should…unless you fucked up hardcore w the LoyL) but it was his time to get out of his head. In the moment, Colin enjoyed his shenanigans as much as the next man…well for the most part. After every encounter, he always felt strange. Like for some reason he should be happier, or feel the same level of accomplishment that seemed to plague his brothers and friends every time they spoke of their own conquests. But he didn't. It was a nice escape…until the sun came up and the booz sunk all the way through his skull to the back of his brain and down to the rest of his body. Leaving him with nothing but regret. Colin Bridgerton was not made for one night stands. As hard as he tried to convince himself that he was. But his efforts were valiant indeed…just ineffective.

He hadn't been back to the hostel in 4 days and this time he was absolutely positive there would be something from Pen…

Colin spots the post man…

C: Morning Gary how are you?

G: oh Colin, haven't seen you the last few days. The one face i can always count on first thing in the morning…

C: no I suppose you haven't.

Colin stood there for a moment, trying to appear casual although not really sure why he was putting such effort in.

Gary looked at him, there was no bullshitting Gary. He saw you whether u liked it or not, he was a rather interesting individual,it had occurred to Colin quite a few times that it felt very wrong for someone so interesting to be doing such tedious work. It actually irritated him a bit to see someone with so much potential, to be doing such a job.

C: anything for me today?

Colin had asked that question everyday for over a month. Totally clueless as to how it actually looked.

G: nope not today

C: really, nothing??

G: oh I mean there's this…

Gary pulls out a stack of letters handing it to Colin.

C: I thought you said I didn't have anything?

G:oh, my mistake Colin…I thought you were referring to Miss Penelope

Colin blinked. Standing there with the stack of mail in his hands that he hadn't even glanced at yet—he hadn't realized it in the moment, but now hearing someone speak it in to the universe somehow solidified it. That was indeed exactly to whom Colin had been referring.

C: I see. Understable error.

He starts toward his room, then turns..

C: so you said, nothing from miss Penelope, right?

Gary nodded. Ghosts of amusement in his eyes.

Colin got to his room, tossing the mail on the desk not bothering to open it.

"Fucking christ " he slumped into a chair stuffing biscuits down his throat. Food always helped him work stuff out. Although recently barfights were another sweet factor in his late night galavanting. Two sides Same coin.

He finished his food, climbed into bed and started in on the letters. There was one from Eloise which included a long rant about Penelope (he had already heard a couple) not that he blamed her for being mad.

Lord knows he was. But the amount of time and space he had had forced him to process in a way Eloise couldn't seem to. As furious as he was when he originally found out, he had realized what Penelope was trying to do. He knew her well enough to know that anything she had written (at least about them) was necessary. Colin knew what it was to long for such a purpose and he couldn't bring himself to take, what was obviously Penelope's, away. Who was he to do that? Not that he hadn't fought the urge, but once she had quit, he really didn't see the point in bringing it up, especially since now her safety wasn't a concern.

—But the one thing that was different about this letter was not her mention of LW but the pamphlet that accompanied it, in the envelope there was a copy of lady whistledown.

Colin jolted forward. He thought she had quit? And his mind shifted instantly, and his stomach churned. And he realized perhaps he wasn't as much of a libertarian as he thought when it came to Pen writing LW. But what had changed in the last 10 seconds???

What if Eloise gets mad and does something stupid and spiteful? He didn't believe for a second that Eloise would spill it to the entire ton, but she hadn't been quite as careful as he had. It was all she ever wanted to talk about, and it was probably only a matter of time before someone (other than his ever-polite and dignified family) would overhear her insults.

And then it all hit him. Like a cannonball dropping on his shoulders, sinking down into his stomach.

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!"

Colin scrambled out of bed to get dressed and pack his things.

"No no nope, this isn't happening. Nope this is not going to be a thing. Nope."

Colin trying to comfort himself, the thought of someone hurting Penelope made him feel like he had been bound in chains. It would take him at least 3 days to get home. He wasn't supposed to check out til next week to go to Italy, but it wasn't even a question in his mind. He'd always wanted to see

Italy, it was the place he had been looking forward to the most…and yet it wasn't even a consideration in his head as he checked out.

Mayfair*

Outside Bridgerton house was the entire family…except Eloise.

All of them crowding around Colin as he returns home. He hops off his horse, taking a quick glance over at the featherington house where he sees Penelope and her family getting out of their carriage. He lets out an enormous sigh of relief that lasts less than a second before the rage comes sweeping in…

C: 'I thought Penelope returned from the country last month?' Trying to keep a light and innocent touch to his tone.

Violet: oh no dearest, she was in the country all summer, they actually threw some of the most enjoyable balls this season. Sorry you weren't there for them.

Violet Bridgerton regards him closely for a moment.

Colin thought back to the day when he went to talk to Penelope after the ball and Brimsley had said that she returned to the ton early. He supposed it could've been a misunderstanding, but the way Colin's chest burst into flames led him to believe otherwise. When Colin had in instinct, there was absolutely no questioning it. Which only meant one thing…He had lied. And he would only do that if he had been instructed to do so, colin thought as bile rose in his mouth.

He thought back to the look in Brimsleys eyes when he saw Colin, something was not right that much was certain, even then. And then there was the biggest sin of all…why the hell hadn't she responded to a single one of his goddamn letters?!

Penelope turns around, just for a moment—maybe less. She sees Colin, but only for the slightest of seconds and then looks away. It is not a spiteful, childish showing of distain, but like he was just any other Joeshmo on the street. she was looking right through him. Like he wasn't even there.

He thought about the last time he saw her, right after their dance. The memory brought a smile to his heart and to his face…before he realized that the way she had expressed herself then, was nothing like this. She was cold, far away, and probably the worst part of all…she was indifferent to him. Yes that's what it was. There wasn't a single spec of emotion of any sort when he caught her eyes.

Colin started to make his way over to her before his mother stopped him, forcing the family reunion.

What the fuck was that?!! He thought.

She's the one who doesn't welcome him home? Who doesn't respond to his letters? Who tries to keep huge secrets that have molded and affected his life drastically??!!!

Colin had never seen anything but the moon reflected when he looked in Penelope's eyes. He never stared for too long, but it was always apparent enough that she, at the very least, thought rather highly of him. Now smacked in the face with the realization of just how much he enjoyed it.

He thought back to their dance when she called him "astonishing." Telling him that he was special to her, it had lit him up inside like an electric storm. Brighter than he would've ever anticipated, actually.

But then what was this?!! Colin couldn't escape his family now, but the Danbury ball was coming up that night…and she was bloody-well going to talk to him.

NOTE FROM AUTHOR: if you've made it this far, thank you for reading, there will be more as we all try to fill our Polin cups until the real S3 is released! Please excuse and inconsistencies in dialogue especially, I've been patching this together for a while now and just finally had to get it out! Will only get juicier tho:p

lots of love. xx