AN: Thank you all for the follows, favorites and reviews. Enjoy.
I'd called Myron after my talk with Lynn, and he'd told me that if I felt that I needed to come back, he would be happy to continue working with me. Then he surprised me and told me he didn't think that I needed to come back. He reminded me of how far I've come since returning to Chicago - I've mended my friendships, gotten a good job and I continued to face my demons and develop coping skills. That gave me a bit of confidence that I had been desperately lacking.
Lynn had reminded me that the offer for the couch at her and Tori's apartment to give me a break from Eric was still open, and I was seriously considering taking her up on it after I left a late night dessert date with Christina. Her schedule had been incredibly erratic and we had to plan our hangout sessions around it. Much like Lynn, and even Myron, she supported any decision I felt I needed to make when it came to my mental health, and she reiterated how proud she was of me for talking about how I was feeling instead of pushing everyone away like I did before.
I'd also been texting back and forth with Peter, just casual and safe stuff to catch up with each other. I appreciated that he was respectful of my time and feelings, and even Christina had told me that the war and aftermath had changed him greatly.
When my text alert goes off, I expect another reply from him, however it's Eric who's messaged me.
E: I'd heard about your past with Hayes today. It fucked with my head a lot and I took it out on you. I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier.
He doesn't give me a chance to respond before he's calling, and I reluctantly answer it.
"I'm jealous, okay?" He says instead of a greeting, "I heard that shit and just saw red."
"Who told you?" I asked.
"My brother's boyfriend Griffin stays in touch, he and Sam were all I had really when I transferred here. He stopped by right before you came home to check in on me and see how I'm doing. He mentioned it in passing, apparently he and Hayes work together, and he'd been giving him shit about being distracted by his phone. Hayes told him about running into you, and over the course of a few beers Hayes also admitted to him that the two of you had a rebound thing right after the war, and that he was interested in trying something more if you were ready."
"Why should it matter, Eric? It obviously happened before us, and I was in a fucked up state of mind-"
"It matters because you were able to be with him, and according to the journal you had a terrible time trusting me. Why?" He interrupts.
"I don't want to talk about this over the phone."
"Come home." He says firmly.
Against my better judgment, I decided to do just that. I thought I was coming back to another argument, instead I found a calm and quiet Eric, whose silvery eyes bore into mine as soon as I'd walked in the door. He gestured for me to sit, and I did, leaving some space on the couch between us.
"I don't know what I'm doing." He murmured, and it's almost painful to remember him saying those same words during our more intimate moments, "I've read everything in the journal, over and over, and I keep fucking up. I don't know how to fix this, or how to stop treating you like shit."
"You don't have to fix anything." I argued, "I'm here so we can talk."
"Why him?" He asked suddenly and I didn't need to ask for any clarification.
"You have to understand that what happened between Peter and me would only happen when I was blackout drunk. I couldn't even let him touch me when I was sober. I was fucked up, Eric. I still am, I'm trying, but when you act certain ways it's making it very difficult."
"Never mind. You don't have to explain it." He replies angrily, pulling himself to a standing position using his crutches and I can see him shudder from the effort.
"Of course I do. You were caught off guard and it hurt you." I reply and stand up, moving closer until Eric shifts away from me, leaning heavily on his crutch. I run my hand up and down his tense arm, feeling him relax under my touch. He threads his hand with mine unconsciously and I gesture for us to sit on the couch, "Peter and I did have sex after the war, and it was only that. We both lost our partners, and we were depressed and would drink until we almost blacked out. It was physical, and if either of us were in the right state of mind it wouldn't have ever happened."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been an ass." He sighed.
"And I'm sorry that you found out that way. I should have told you, you shouldn't have had to hear about that from anyone other than me. I can only imagine how hard it was to have Samuel's boyfriend here without him, and then to hear that on top of it, I'm so sorry, Eric."
"No, you have nothing to apologize for." He sighs again, and we sit in silence for several beats, "Griffin and I have always been friends, but yeah it's hard to hang out with Grif without Sam. He misses him so much. I do too." Eric replies quietly.
"I know you do."
I feel his thumb rubbing against my hand in his, and the silence begins to feel heavy before Eric finally breaks it.
"I could have saved him. I could have stopped all of this and I waited too long." He says and I hear his voice crack with emotion, "I'd known for months what she was planning, but I went along with it because at first it was just about getting some of the power from Abnegation. Marcus Eaton was a piece of shit, and he was only invested in his own interests, not the good of the city. Jeanine was peaceful for the longest time, she'd approached Marcus with an offer of partnership in running the city, but it wasn't good enough. Marcus wanted in, but he didn't want to share with Jack, Johanna or any of the existing leaders of the factions. He countered with power, split three ways between him, Jeanine and Max. She took the bait."
"But when you found out, you tried to stop her." I reply and he shakes his head.
"I didn't at first. Jeanine had told Marcus that I'd been part of her original plans, so they were going to let me in. I'd be a quarter of the city leadership, and I wanted it. She'd started to show her hand a little more every day, and all it took was someone that was as twisted as her to offer her a little more, and that's where Evelyn came in. Marcus was offering a lot, but Evelyn offered more... she was willing to take Marcus out of the equation completely. I was still on board, until Evelyn and Jeanine decided they were going to push Max and me out too. When that happened, I thought Max and I were going to take her and Evelyn on ourselves. I administered that serum thinking it truly was a tracker, with the understanding that Max was going to declare war on Jeanine and the factionless. But, they'd all fooled me, because the serum was a control serum, not a tracker, and Max was in with Jeanine the entire time. I stayed in, even though I was feeling uneasy, and it wasn't until I found out what Jeanine was doing to the divergent that I finally stopped. My brother was divergent, and I could tell that several people in the current class were too. Like you," He looks down at his lap, "Uriah, Peter, just people who were good soldiers, loyal to Dauntless, and I couldn't see killing people because Jeanine believed that they couldn't be controlled. There was never a box, or any huge secret from the founders of our city. She just wanted eliminate anyone who couldn't be controlled by her mind serum."
The silence in the room is deafening and Eric refuses to meet my eyes, "You were okay with everything until it put your brother in danger?"
"What I knew of it, yeah." He replies softly.
"You were willing to go to war, where just as many other innocent people were going to lose their lives, just to get power?" I ask shakily.
"I thought power was more important than people in the grand scheme of things." He replies sadly.
"Four doesn't know this, does he?" I ask and he shakes his head, "Is this why you are hesitant to go back?"
"I could have just taken the offer to go back to leadership and run with it. I never had to disclose any of this, because there's no one left alive who can prove or disprove my loyalty from back then. But when they offered me leadership again, all I could think about was you, and how fucking disappointed you'd be once you heard the truth. Or, if I managed to keep it hidden, what would happen when the pull for power became too much for me to fight? I'm not a good person, and I'm sure I'm going to hurt you." He replies.
"You're getting better. You're talking to me about it instead of just falling back into your old habits. You helped Four take down the factionless. You're itching to get out there and find Evelyn. You don't want that power anymore, you want to do the right things. Doing the right thing will never hurt me, Eric."
"I want to go back to where things were in that journal. Where there was no temptation of power or importance, when the only thing I cared about was finding a way to get you to love me as much as I loved you. I'm not him anymore, I'm not Paul, but you're still here and you're the same person who fought through a hell I helped facilitate." Eric says. There's a desperation in his voice that pulls directly at my heartstrings.
I move closer to him and take both of his hands in mine, "I knew when I first got involved with you in the institution that there was a good possibility that you had helped plan the war, I knew exactly who you were from our time together here in Dauntless and I still fell for you. I know exactly who you are right now, a complicated man who hides behind an asshole persona because it's easier than letting someone in, and I still love you. Eric, I love you because in spite of every bad decision you've ever made, the man you are now wants nothing more than to be good. You're more like the person you became in Milwaukee than the person who continues to hurt me because he can't find a way to love himself."
When he finally looks at me, I see the tears in his eyes, and I let go of his hands to wipe the ones that are slipping down his cheeks, "I don't know if I can do it, Tris. I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight my demons."
"You once told me that when things got to heavy for me I should let you carry some of it. Let me carry some of it for you, Eric. Together, we can make it, and we can let a little bit of everything go along the way."
"I stopped talking to Myron. I need... I think I need to start again." He says quietly, "Can you help me? Can you be there when I talk to him?"
"Of course I can."
He pulls me closer to him, and I see him cringe in pain, but he's not satisfied until I am straddling his lap. He pulls my face to his, "I'm so sorry. It won't be easy, and I will fuck up again, but please don't leave me. I feel something for you, so much, Tris. I just...please don't leave me."
"I won't."
This time when he kisses me, he's gentle, and his hands splay on the back of my head. He doesn't try to touch me anywhere else, and I'm careful to avoid putting any pressure on his still healing chest and leg. When we break apart for air, he holds my forehead against his, "Please forgive me. I promise you I'll be better."
"I forgive you, Eric." I whisper.
"I'll do better."
"I know." I reply.
I'd forgotten to tell Lynn I had gone home to Eric, so my phone blowing up interrupted the rest of our conversation. She was concerned about me staying with Eric, just like Christina was, but they both supported my decision.
I slept in his bed after our conversation that night, and when we woke up the next morning we had a much-needed session with Myron, who was happy to see us together. Eric and I went down to the cafeteria together for dinner for the first time since he'd been back in the faction, where he actually got looks of respect due to his recent work to bring the factionless down. Our friends knew that he and I were struggling, but they were kind enough to treat us like the last three months hadn't happened.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn't pretend that they hadn't.