Hiiii guys!
Please don't come with stakes after me for letting you wait for 2 weeks for this. But the update is finally here! Thank you all for your impressions. I was indeed curious of how you'll like the last scene in the last chapter :)
Just-kiwi, yes, I thought of what the bond might imply, but it's only the beginning of their bond, so they'll learn to deal with it, in order for things not to get weird. And it's funny that you mentioned that sex with himself thing, because I was thinking of such a conversation between them :))
Thank you all for your presence each update! lots of love and be safe!
CHAPTER 26 - Why aren't you freaking out about this?
Rose's POV
I don't know what surprises me the most. The fact that we're kissing, or the fact that he's the one who initiated it. Nonetheless, what surprises me more is that I'm the one to pull away first, trying to make sense of what's happening.
My reaction disarms him and soon I'm able to get up too and face him. Since he moved away from me, he does nothing to stop me from moving nor he asks for more, and I don't know if I'm glad about it or not.
I start walking toward the locker room, trying to put my thoughts in order.
I wanted this to happen, I did for so long, thought of it countless times, but now that it happened, it scared me. Until now I thought this was all in my head. But he was the one who kissed me first, so it means he felt the same as I did, at least for a while. And again, I don't know how to feel about it. Because if my feelings were unrequited, it was simpler. But with this kiss, the situation just got more complicated.
He follows me into the locker room, and when I see him again, I know there's no turning back. Looking into his eyes, I see he knows that too. I'm not scared anymore and the confusion from earlier seems a stupid thought to begin with. I'm all of a sudden sure of what I want, and that is him. Nothing else matters.
I nod at him and reciprocating it, he closes the door behind him. My heart starts beating faster, but this time with anticipation and excitement.
The seconds that I wait until he comes close to me seem to stretch for an eternity, but it has been worth the wait. Hooking his arm around my middle, he pulls me to him, and the moment our lips touch again, I get lost in this deep desire in me, which I've been avoiding for far so long.
Finally. He's in my space. I'm cuddled in his arms. His lips are warm against mine and we're kissing and, oh Christ, the way he's touching me. Beginning from my hips, he first descends and cups my ass, stroking it with his big hands, then starts moving up toward my torso.
I touch him back. I put my hands through his hair, tugging on it each time he strokes my flesh, and I'm unable to suppress the sounds of pleasure that he elicits from me. I love the sounds he makes too, grunting each time our hips grind against each other.
Tilting my head to one side, his tongue delves into my mouth and I can only think of one thing - how come I lived without this until now? I don't want him to ever stop.
His thigh slips between mine and it creates a delicious friction. I cannot stop myself from letting out helpless, moaning little noises. The more he kisses me, the more his hands roam on me, the more I feel like my skin is on fire under the clothes. It took him less than a minute to get me this weak. This man is indeed a god.
"Oh, Roza," he hums as his hand starts dragging my T-shirt up, like having the same thought I did a second ago - we need to get naked.
"I'm sweaty," it's the last rational thought I'm capable of.
"Who the fuck cares?" he declares and gets rid of the material in no time.
I dare do the same for him, and seeing him shirtless is an erotic experience in itself.
I spread my fingers on his chest, feeling it's only fair that I do the same as he did.
"Seeing something you like?" he asks me in a flirty manner, his eyebrow lifted.
I chuckle as I put my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me for another kiss. "Plenty, comrade. Do you?"
He smiles. "Oh, I do," he says as he walks his thumb across my lower lip. "You're out of this world, Roza."
He picks me up, my legs come up to wrap around his waist like it's the most natural thing to do, and we continue our kissing frenzy as he props my back against the cold metal of the lockers.
The switch in temperature made my nipples hard and he doesn't remain indifferent to that. He starts working his hands on my breasts, passing his thumbs across the hardened nubs through my sports bra, filling my whole body with tension. Blissful tension.
In our passionate touching, my hair has become halfway undone, and he wants to solve that for me.
Only that, when he pulls on my hair, my necklace gets tangled in it, and at the next tug, it snaps and falls to the floor.
The thin metal hitting the floor doesn't make much noise, but it might as well have, because its falling shocks both of us.
Poof. The magic is gone. The haze my brain was drowning in clears out and I'm left facing a befuddled Dimitri. I can only guess I have the same expression, because I don't know what on earth I was doing! I mean, I know what I was doing, I remember every second of it and I probably will for the rest of my life, but I cannot, for the life of me figure out what came over me to act so recklessly. Of us, in fact.
As seconds pass, the heaviness of what we were about to do settles in. I know for sure we wouldn't have stopped. And the consequences of that…
He's the first to react, dropping me and pulling away. He turns his back to me, and the sight of his ribcage expanding widely with each breath makes me aware of how heavily I'm breathing too.
"Dimitri, I…" I don't even know what to do or say to make this right. Can I make this right? How do we get back from this?
"Go. We have to get to the trial. It's late. We're going to be late."
"But I… we… we were… are we going to ignore what was just happening?"
"Rose, please, go. Just go. I'll come too, you just… please."
In his voice, I sense that he feels just as lost as me. Maybe this is even worse for him. I never had too much control over my impulses, but him? He's a master at it. Until today.
I comply with his request and put my T-shirt on, my hands still shaking. How the fuck am I supposed to go testify when all I can think of is his hands on me?
Maybe putting some distance between us will help, so I get out of the locker room. He didn't bother to look at me once since he turned his back to me, and that hurts like hell. It only makes me think that this is how he is going to treat me from now on, and it rips my heart to pieces. I was happy to have little bits of him, but now-
Ivan.
Good lord, Ivan. He just entered the gym.
I'm a few steps away from him, and the first thing I can think of is, do I look like I was about to have sex with someone else?
"Hey, what's the matter?" He probably sees how I look and attributes that to something else. I pray he does.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! I need to take care of this situation.
"Hey, why are you crying?" Am I? I bring my hand up and indeed, my cheeks are wet with tears. "Rose, what's happening?"
Seeing how concerned he is, it makes me hate myself more for what I'm what about to do.
"I um… I was having a hard time and I was looking for Dimitri, but he's not here," I say loud enough, hoping Dimitri will hear me and won't come out, and… god knows what could happen then. "Why are you here?" He wasn't even supposed to be at the Court today.
"I couldn't leave you alone in this, so I postponed my flight. I went to your room earlier, but your maid said you're here, so… here I am. I may not be able to give you any zen tips, but you can talk to me if you want to."
He did this for me and I was about to fuck his best friend. All I can do is to cry harder, guilt eating at me.
"Hey, Rose, easy."
I let him take me in his arms.
"I'm sorry."
"But you did nothing wrong."
"I'm so sorry."
"Shh…" he gently soothes my back. "It's going to be alright. I know it's hard, but it will be alright."
It takes me a little while to look like a normal being again because each time I look toward Ivan I want to cry, but we eventually make it into the Council room.
With a little scold about being late to such an important event, and hearing King's favorite words from now on, I guess - "Just because you're soon to be the queen doesn't mean anything for the law" - I am allowed to get up and tell everyone what happened at that studio.
Before all that happened this morning, I was thinking that if things get hard during my declaration, I could look at Dimitri and know that it's going to be alright. But I couldn't do that during my testimony. And neither did he, the whole time we were in the Council's room. He looked down the whole time.
The only good thing that came out of today so far is that Victor gets convicted for treason and he's soon going to get hanged.
When we get out of there, we ignore each other, despite Ivan's attempts to bring up our moods. I don't know if he suspects something, and my mind coming up with stupid excuses in case he starts suspecting something makes me feel more miserable.
Dimitri excuses himself with having some guardian stuff to take care of, and I'm more than happy to see him go.
I let Ivan take me to my room, and I plan to never leave that place. Like that, I won't have to face my guardian ever again.
But a couple of hours later, I get an invitation that I cannot bring myself to reject.
I'm grateful to find Mikhail outside my door, prepared to knock, wanting to escort me to feed.
"Forget that. I need to go somewhere else."
"I need to tell Dimitri about it first."
"No, you don't." because he wouldn't let me go if he knew where I'm heading.
"But-"
"But nothing. Now I need you to take me to the prison."
I don't know what to do with myself after talking with that man. And after what I heard from Lissa…
I need to find something to distract me, something to bury myself into, and reading book after book seems like the best thing now.
The frustration of not finding anything new about what's happening to me is enough to compete with the itch I feel in my body, which is missing his touch like crazy.
Hours into my research, I want to burn all the books around me. Fuck this thing. There must be more about this. Vladimir was more than a saint who never specialized, and all the other woo-woo stuff I read about him a million times now. And Anna, there must be more about her too. Since I started reading, I found only one new, odd thing about her, but I don't even know what that means. The books mostly focus on how she was good for Vladimir, and how she kept him grounded. Whatever that means. I am starting to believe that the man was simply crazy. If it was because of spirit or not, I cannot tell.
That's it! Maybe this was what happened this morning! It was just a fit of madness that made me act that way. That made us both act that way. Yes, because I healed him, maybe some of my madness transferred to him. That darkness Adrian keeps on warning me about? That must be the source of what happened this morning. It has nothing to do with what that man said. It cannot.
I fell asleep in the little book fortress I made for myself in the library, I know that for sure, because one second ago I was resting my head against the wall, just for a minute, I told myself, as my eyes were stinging, but now that I wake up, I find myself in my darkened room. I figure out that Dimitri might have brought me here, and now that I'm awake, I can't remember what I dreamt that made me wake up so abruptly, but the darkness around me isn't doing me any good. I am scared. Really scared. My heart is beating so fast it will pop out of my chest.
I try turning on the light, but that doesn't do much. I just don't want to be alone. But I have no one to go to. I mean, I could… but I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. I won't. I just have to calm down and sleep will come.
For a second, the idea of visiting Ivan seems like a good one, until I remember he's away. There went my support circle.
Instead of panicking that I'm alone, I try to focus on my breath, and pretend that if I close my eyes, nothing will come out from under the bed and hurt me.
Sleep does eventually come back.
Dimitri's POV
I stop in the doorway as I see Rose cuddled up in my bed, the covers tightly around her. I must have left my door unlocked.
After a second of surprise, I take another to appreciate what I see. It doesn't feel bad to see someone in this bed when I come back. It feels even better to see her.
I guess she was waiting for me as I see the light turned on, but it didn't work out for her.
I get closer and pull the covers up on her, but she opens her eyes when I pull away. She gets up to her butt and sticks onto the bedpost, scared once more at my sight.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"It's my room."
"The hell it is. It's my…" looking around, she blinks a couple of times in surprise. "It's not. But I fell asleep in there." She rubs the sleep out of her eyes, trying to make sense of this. "I… I'm sorry. I don't… I guess I came… I don't remember how or when. I… I sleepwalked again? I don't know how I ended up here. I'm sorry."
I don't mind that she came, even though I know I should. Somehow, I'm glad I'm the one she wants to see when she feels like this, and even in her sleep, she looks for me. It's wrong, I know, but it still feels good.
"I should go." she gets the covers off and gets her feet off the edge of the bed, but I stop her when she wants to get up.
"What happened?"
"Nothing."
"You can tell me." if not to me, to who?
"I…" she sighs. "I had another nightmare and I woke up and… I came here after I fell back asleep, I guess. I don't know. I fell back asleep and… it doesn't make sense."
"Was it just as vivid?"
"Yeah. But I don't remember anything from it. And I… I didn't want to be alone and I guess I… I fell asleep in my room, I swear to god."
"It's alright," I sit next to her and take her hands in mine, trying to soothe away her rising anxiety.
"Is it? I… I feel like I'm going mad. What's happening to me? To us? You said you feel stuff… stuff a normal person wouldn't. What's wrong?"
"I'd like to tell you I know, but I can't."
With a defeated sigh, she rests her head on my shoulder, and when my back stiffens, she pulls away and gets up.
"I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't be here."
"Well, you are, and if you want, you can stay."
"What?"
After all that has been happening, I know it makes no sense for me to say something like this, but I said it anyway.
"You said you didn't want to be alone. You can stay if you want to." I won't send her away to be frightened for the rest of the night in her empty room.
"Would you have me?"
"If it makes you feel better, yes."
"You mean that?"
"I do."
"Thank you."
She lies in bed as I take the chair from the table and bring it closer to the bed.
"You don't want to sleep?" I shake my head.
She may sleep in here, but under no circumstance I'll get in that bed too. Not again. Never again.
And I think, as she's here, and we will need to eventually have this conversation, why not do it now?
"Rose, about this morning…"
She smiles faintly. "I thought we were going to ignore that forever."
I would have, if I could have. But I need to set things straight.
"We can't really do that, can we?"
"Yeah…"
"You see… what happened… it was a lust charm."
"A lust charm? What's that"
"Earth users can do that. It's some kind of spell that makes people… do things. I guess someone put it on your necklace, and when I broke it…" talking about breaking it, I take the repaired necklace and place it on the nightstand for her to take later. "It's safe now, but this is what made us act that way. It was a mistake, but we were… it was out of our control."
Rose's POV
"Yeah… out of our control." But that doesn't mean we didn't want to do it even without being pushed by a stupid spell. "Good thing my hair got in the way, right?"
"Feeling good in there?" I ask Victor as soon as I see him through the bars of his cell. "You asked for me to come here in order to give me the pleasure to see you locked up?"
"I wouldn't be here for you to enjoy this sight if you two did your job."
"What are your talking about?"
"Didn't you and your guardian have a passionate training session today?"
"How do- What do you mean?" there's no way in hell I will ever tell someone what happened this morning. I'll take that to my grave. And there is no way in hell he can know about that.
"Come on, you can drop the act with me. I know."
"You know what?"
"What happened this morning. Between you and Belikov."
"How?"
"Simple. I made it happen."
"No!"
"I did."
"Why would you do such a thing? And how on earth did you even do it?" I don't know how he found out, but I'm sure he's just trying to mess with me now.
"Easy. A lust charm." what on earth is that? "And why? Well, the Prince finding his very trusted guardian fucking his soon-to-be wife would have been a bigger piece of news than my trial, wouldn't it? Maybe a big enough one for me to be able to escape unnoticed."
"So that's why you did that? We were going to be a distraction for your escape plan?"
"Don't talk to me with that tone. I wanted you dead. Do you think I'd stop at something less bad?"
"Well, your trick didn't work." god knows how much Ivan would have hurt if it would have worked.
"True. But you must admit it would have been a spectacular way to bring this ruling down."
"You're fucking sick. How could you think of such a thing?!"
"It wasn't that hard. You two gave me the idea in the first place."
"How?"
He laughs. "Oh darling, you really are in denial, aren't you?"
"Denial? About what?"
"The charm doesn't work if there isn't already something between the people it involves."
"No. What… you're trying to say…"
"I'm not trying to say anything. I'm just stating the facts."
"You're ridiculous."
"Am I, Princess?"
"Of course you are! I… we… we don't…" I look around, trying to see if, by any chance, there is someone who could have heard what he just said. I am more than grateful that I convinced Mikhail to leave me completely alone with this bastard.
"Sure, Princess, keep lying to yourself if it helps you sleep at night."
"You… you…"
I rush out of there and head straight to Lissa's room. She will tell me that Victor is lying. He must be. He is just playing with me.
Dimitri smiles at my attempt to bring up the mood, and I smile too, even though there's a growing ache inside my chest.
A fucking mistake. He regrets all of it, I see it in his eyes. But I can't feel the same.
"You should sleep. It's been an eventful day."
Despite the comfort of Dimitri's bed, my sleep is still restless and I wake up some time later. To my luck, I didn't break into anyone else's room. I'm still in the same place I fell asleep into.
And speaking of him, I turn around to see how he's doing.
He fell asleep on that chair, hands crossed over his chest, and even when he sleeps, he's tense. Ready to get up and fight.
"Dimitri?" I whisper, but it's enough to wake him from his slumber.
He's up on his feet in a split second, and his eyes are already scanning the room.
"What happened?"
"Nothing. Nothing. Just… you look really uncomfortable in that chair."
He sits back on it, shaking his head. "Don't worry about me."
"The bed is big enough."
"I cannot do such a thing." Not again, he means. And with everything considered, I know we shouldn't, but I feel bad.
"We can put pillows between us. Please. I made you let me sleep in here. The least I can do is give you half of your bed."
He disagrees vehemently and hell might freeze before he changes his mind, so I find myself being put to sleep by him once more.
Dimitri's POV
I'm frightened. Frightened out of my mind. And I'm running. Faster than I ever did. My life depends on it this time, not like in all the training classes. This time, it's all legit. The school is under attack. All my friends… my parents… everyone I care about is in danger.
But they told me to run. So I ran.
Still, I'm not fast enough. They catch me. And I think, this is it. I'll die.
Wrong.
He drags me with him, and I'm too frightened to fight back. I'm paralyzed. I'm useless.
He brings me back to the place I fled from. He brings me back to face the ones I left behind.
I close my eyes, squeezing hard, until they hurt. I cannot look.
But they force me to.
"Look at them. I said look at them! Look at what we've done to them!" the man says, laughing.
Their bodies are limp on the wet earth, blood gushing out of their necks.
"No," I hear myself wailing.
"You could have saved them."
"No, I…"
I crawl to them and take my mother in my arms.
"Mum… mum, please… please wake up."
She coughs. She coughs!
"Mum! Mum, you're alive!"
But her coughing soon turns into laughter.
"What…"
Pulling away, I see she's… changed. Her eyes… that red ring around her pupil…
"Stupid girl. I told you to run."
"Mum…"
"I'm not your mommy anymore."
A pair of hands rips me away from her and slams me to the ground. It's my father. He's changed too.
"Please."
But they don't listen. he bears his fangs and-
"No!"
I wake up at the same time she does. She gets halfway up and on instinct, I reach for her.
I guess her instinct kicked in too because when she feels me touching her, she elbows me right in the face.
I take a step back and turn on the light, wanting to let her know it's alright now.
"Oh, god, Dimitri, I'm so sorry." her face crumbles when she realizes it's not a dream anymore.
"It's alright." I try to cover my face before she freaks out even more.
"I just broke your nose!" too late for that.
"You didn't." I stop her and sit her back in bed, then take a towel from the closet. "It's just some blood. It will pass. It's nothing, okay?"
"No, Dimitri, this is…" her shoulders slouch and she bows her head, looking so desolate. "It's bigger than nothing. I… I hurt you."
"You didn't mean to."
"I did. I thought you were…" she bites her tongue. So she remembers some of her dreams after all. "I'm so sorry," her voice cracks.
"It's alright. I'm not mad."
"We should get you cleaned or bandaged or…"
And the only reason I agree with this rather than dealing with her right now is because if she sees it's nothing bad, she will calm down.
"I'll go. You stay here, I'll be right back."
When the blood is gone, you can't even say that she planted an elbow into my face just some minutes ago, which I hope will help her feel less guilty.
But when I get back into the room, I see she's already consumed by it. She's shaking all over, crying.
"Rose? Hey, come on, I told you, you didn't hurt me."
I sit on the bed and it doesn't take much for her to find shelter in my arms, hiding her face into my chest.
"Hey, take it easy, alright?" I soothe her back, trying to ease her pain. "Talk to me, Rose, please."
"I know I told you I don't remember but… I keep on dreaming…"
"Their death."
"How do you know?"
"I saw it."
"You saw what?"
"Your dream."
"How?"
"I don't know." I don't have the slightest idea how this happened, how any of these things between us happen, but they do. "I saw it too, this time. Maybe because we were asleep at the same time. I honestly don't know how to explain it."
"I don't understand. It makes no sense. You keep on telling me you feel when I'm off and now… and now this?"
"I cannot describe it, but I just feel it. I feel you sometimes. And I see… I see your dreams too, apparently." rather, I live them vividly, each emotion and thought she experiences, but I'll keep this to myself. She's already freaking out enough.
She puts her head in her hands and cries some more.
"I'm sorry you have to go through this. To see…" Another sob shakes her body. "I could have saved them. My parents... I could have... why didn't I use my powers back then? I could have healed them. Just like I healed you."
"Rose…"
"Why have these powers if I can't save the ones I love?"
"You weren't even there."
"Maybe I should have been! Maybe now they… they could have been here, with me."
We go back and forth on that subject for a while, and eventually, she stops crying and fighting me on it.
"Do you think we're like them?"
"Like who?"
"Vladimir and Anna. They… you know how they say they had this connection? What if… she felt him too, like you feel me? I know it sounds crazy, I cannot even wrap my head around it but… could it be?"
"I don't know. Maybe. It's a possibility worth considering."
She laughs, borderline maniacally. "How are you so calm? Why aren't you freaking out about this?"
"I don't think it would help you much if I would." or if I showed her that whatever is happening is making me worry to my core about her.
"So you're calm for my sake, huh?" I only shrug in response and after a moment of silence, she says something more. "What if you're shadow-kissed?"
"What if I am what?"
"Anna was…" she sighs. "You see, Adrian saw your aura and it… mine too, they're… black in some way. And yours is growing and mine is shrinking with each passing day and… and earlier today I read this thing about Anna being shadow-kissed and she… from a point on, she started going insane. What if I… what if I am making you mad?"
"More than you already do?"
She smiles at me trying to bring up her mood, but gets back to being serious.
"Dimitri, I don't want you to suffer because of this. You already are. I mean, look-"
"I don't think I'm the one suffering right now because of it." after all, I am not the one having these nightmares and is sleepwalking, and god knows what else this Spirit will bring next. Only god knows. And Adrian, apparently. Maybe he and I should have a talk.
But that is something for when the sun rises. Now, it's still night and Rose hasn't slept for too long, and I worry the lack of sleep would worsen her already affected mental state.
She lets herself convinced to go back to sleep, but lying back in bed, she fumbles a lot, trying to find a good position. I know her mind is racing because her anxiety is creeping up on me.
Thinking it will help her fall asleep, I start patting her back, which is turned to me.
"What you're doing?" she asks, almost chuckling.
"My mother used to do this for me when I couldn't sleep at night. I thought you… You don't like it?"
"I must say it's quite comforting. Would you mind keeping on doing that?"
"Of course not."
Getting a little closer to her, I continue to pat her back, and along the time, I start humming a lullaby, wishing she'd get some sleep, to rest peacefully after such a day.
"You know that from your mother too?"
"Yes. She used to sing it to us."
She starts crying once more and I make her turn her to face me.
"Hey, what happened now?"
"Why are you so nice to me?"
"What?"
"Why do you…" she gets up to her butt, trying to explain, but she cannot contain her tears as they roll down her cheeks, despite trying to wipe them away.
"Rose…" for the millionth time tonight, I stomp all over the promise I made to myself and I take her in my arms, soothing her back. "What's the matter?"
"You're good with me."
"And that makes you sad?"
"No. It's just that… You're kind to me. You're good to me. You speak nicely to me. Even though I… what I did… and with everything going on now…"
"Hey, take it easy."
"You should be mad at me for what I'm putting you through."
"I'm not."
"I'm sorry."
"It's alright, Roza. It's alright."
"It isn't. I'm not alright."
"Then we'll figure it out. We'll make it alright, I promise."
Rose's POV
In the morning, things seem to be back to being well with me. Only the nights are a torment. If only I could find a way to never sleep, right?
I think that I have been enough of a burden for Dimitri this last night, so I want to give him some space. Maybe distance myself from him too. Being so close to him, it messes with my head. Especially after what happened no more than 24 hours ago.
So I take Mikhail for the day and hope for the best.
And it comes soon enough.
Ivan was right the other day. There are a lot of people who want to hang out with me, and I didn't realize it until now. As I was getting out from my lesson with Evette, Abby Badica asks me to hang out with her and some others, and I agree right away. Some new friends wouldn't do any harm, right?
When we get together, I find out that they're interested a lot in me. Interested in my views. And mostly in the Strigoi fighting stuff that I've been so vocal about.
I even learn there is some kind of secret society in which Moroi learn to fight, both physically and with their magic. They're calling it Mână.
There is only one rule that goes: I won't tell if you don't tell. Which I am more than happy to stick to. After all, they entrusted me with their secret. It would be a shitty move to go tell everyone about it.
Being the curious person I am, I ask them to show it to me, and after they take me through some secret passages, we get to a set of rooms, well hidden from the eyes of the curious.
"There aren't too many of us now, but we're always looking for people to join."
What surprises me the most is to see some guardians here. I mean, of course there are. How else could they learn how to fight?
There are so many things wrong with this place, but it feels right for me to be here. I always knew Moroi could help, but they just choose to sit on their asses. But these ones don't. I appreciate them.
Among these people, I am some kind of superstar, considering I convinced the Council to go hunt Strigois. As Abby said, there aren't too many people here, but they hope that with me agreeing to be part of this movement, others will join.
But no matter how much I want to be part of this and how much I want to encourage this idea, I know I need to be wary of these kinds of stuff. I cannot let myself get too involved in it. It's too dangerous to get this exposed right now. Plus, people would start questioning my magic if I'd come here to train and there wouldn't be anything I could train on.
The only thing I can do is promise them I will consider their proposal and that I would visit them from time to time. You know, "My full schedule isn't allowing me much time alone and away from everyone" is a believable excuse.
After spending some time there, learning what they do and what they want to accomplish, Abby invites me to hang out later, and I agree again. I go to change my clothes and when I come back to meet the group, seeing that Aaron inserted himself into the equation, I want to retract my involvement in this hangout.
He is the first to call me out on my behavior.
"Come on, don't be a party pooper. We're going to have fun!"
The others join in and it takes so much from me not to yell at them to stop it. They don't understand that it physically hurts me to be around this guy.
"Yeah. Don't be like that, Rose. Let us buy you some drinks."
"I don't drink. I'm not even 21. I'd just spoil your mood." this is the only time I'm glad I'm not allowed to have alcohol.
"Please!" Abby insists. "You don't have to actually drink booze. Just come with us. We'll show you a good time, I promise."
Being only my grumpy attitude against so many people, I find myself having to give in. A couple of hours won't kill me, right? I hope so.
We go to a club at the Court, and even though I used that excuse earlier, I soon ask Abby to share her drink with me. I need the tipsiness in order to cope with the anxiety Aaron rises in me, as he keeps on finding reasons to talk to me ang to get close to me.
But the booze is making me say some things too. Talking to Emma, who joined us, coming god knows from where, I find myself telling her I feel like shit about all this queen thing.
"You know, sometimes I'd like to become someone else. I don't know, cut my hair off and join the army like Katy Perry."
She laughs. "You know that's just a music video, right?"
"Of course I know. I can differentiate reality from fiction. But it still seems a good idea on some days."
"I bet you'll love it when it actually happens."
"I doubt it."
"Hey, Emma!" a guy comes out of nowhere and she needs to entertain him.
Having nothing to do at the moment, I think it's a good idea to take a bathroom break.
But someone follows me. He follows me. If I pay no attention to him, he'll go away, wouldn't he?
Same night, another bathroom. My bathroom. And staring in the mirror, I hate the reflection.
I could change that.
I will change that.
I start opening drawer after drawer. Until I find what I need.
Dimitri's POV
I know she's crying long before I open the door to her room.
The door of the bathroom is half open and that's the place I hear her sobs coming from.
I knock on the bathroom door, announcing my presence. "Rose?" I knock again. "What happened?"
She pushes the door closed.
"Nothing."
"That doesn't sound like nothing."
"Stop! Stop feeling everything and stop being in my head! And go away! I'm fine, go away."
"You know I'm not going to leave."
I want to enter the room, but she keeps the door closed when I push against it. I could push harder, but I won't force my way inside. So I wait for her permission.
"Go away, please," she finally says when she doesn't hear me move.
"I'm not going."
"You shouldn't look at me. I'm fucking ugly." and another wave of sobs begins.
"Let me in."
"No."
"Please."
"I look like shit."
I highly doubt that.
"Let me in."
A few minutes later, she cracks open the door and I make my way inside. The first thing I see is the scissors in her hand. By instinct, I take it from her. God knows what she intended to do with it. Until I lift my eyes and find out.
"What happened?"
"Nothing. I said I'm fine."
"Look at me." I know she'll give in if she does it.
"You don't have to worry. I'm fine," she insists, still looking down.
When she tells me not to worry, I know I usually have a lot of reasons to worry.
"You don't have to be alright, Rose. You… has it been a long day?"
She nods. "And I'm so damned stupid…"
"Don't say that."
"I am! Look at me, I…"
After spotting the scissors, I saw what she's talking about now, but I didn't want to mention it right away.
"You cut your hair." to her jawline. Most of it because in the back…
"And I did a horrible job." yes, she kind of did. Not horrible, but it will take a while to remedy that.
I cannot suppress a smile as I continue to look at her.
"I look like shit, don't I?"
"Don't be so harsh." I put my hand through it, assessing the situation. "I liked your hair." I love it.
She gets upset and pushes my hand away.
"Well, tough luck, because I'm getting rid of all of it! You can dislike me now, I don't care." She reaches for the scissors, but I pull it out of her reach. "Give that to me!"
"What if I do it for you?"
She considers things, and eventually gives in.
"Fine. But only because I cannot see in the back and I did the shittiest job so far."
I bring a chair from her room, and I move around her as she sits.
When I'm behind her, I find it safe to speak again.
"Would you talk to me? Tell me what happened?"
Rose's POV
I meet his eyes in the mirror, but I cannot hold contact for too long. I don't know what to tell him. The truth seems like a stupid excuse. I know I acted hastily and I was stupid to do so.
"Rose…" he pushes for an answer and I find myself bursting.
"Aaron, he…"
"It would be a real pity if you'd do that," he tells me as I put my hand on the door handle.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Your hair," he explains as he gets closer to me and touches it. "I love it. Please don't cut it. You've always been so beautiful with your full hair. Especially that night."
He smiles at me and my stomach twists and turns. He makes me sick. How dare he?
"But it suits you better now that it's long."
He tries to touch my face next, and I finally move away from him.
Dimitri's hand on my shoulder brings me back. With a flinch.
He takes a step back and lifts his hands, like to show me he comes in peace.
"Are you alright?" god, I hate that look in his eyes.
"I…"
"Where did you go?"
"What?"
"Earlier, you said Aaron's name, then you went silent."
"I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"I don't know." but my eyes get watery and I hide my face in my hands. "And now you won't like me anymore."
He laughs and I soon feel his hand resting above my knee. When I open my eyes, I see him crouching in front of me, still smiling.
"You think I only like you for your hair?"
"You… you like me?"
His eyes widen like he said something he shouldn't have.
"You're agreeable at times," he turns it into a joke, and I think I could try to lighten up the mood too.
"But I won't be as charming. I lost like… half of my personality tonight. Who will I be if I don't flip my hair around and walk away pissed off?"
He brings his hand up to wipe my cheek, but something makes him let it rest there, and I take so much comfort in this gesture of his.
"I find you just as beautiful." his hand advances, his fingers combing my hair. "If I think about it, this haircut suits you well. It is somewhat... fierce. Just like you."
"I bet you're just being nice and I actually look like shit."
"See for yourself then."
He moves out of my way and I get up to get a better look in the mirror. My eyes fill with tears once more.
"What happened? Did I cut it wrongly? You don't like it?"
"No, it's not that. I… I look just like her now."
"Like Janine."
"Yeah. I always looked more like her than my mother. Maybe that's why it was so easy for me to pass as being her daughter."
He smiles. "It's no wonder your father fell in love with her."
Our eyes meet once more in the mirror and I feel the need to look away once again.
I make myself busy by putting my hair behind my ears.
"Does… does my tattoo show?"
He seems grateful for me changing the subject.
"No." He takes a step back too. "Will you be alright tonight?"
"Yeah. I'll be, I promise. I have my guarding light to keep the bad guys away." We both laugh. "And I'm sure I might wake you up with one of my dreams if things go south."
"If you need something, anything, call me, okay?"
"I will," I say even though I know I shouldn't.
So I promise myself I won't. I can't allow myself to become even more dependent on him. It would ruin me one day. Because I know he'll always be there and it wouldn't be fair toward him. And because I know I'll have to let go one day.
Dimitri's POV
I stand outside her door for a little longer, and when nothing bad happens, I think it's safe to go.
On the way to the guardians' headquarters, I hear a familiar voice.
Something snaps in me, as I remember how sad Rose was earlier. How dare he upset her like that?
I almost sprint in the opposite direction of my destination, and when I approach him, I see he's talking on the phone. Out here, all alone. Good. No witnesses. I thank god he's that stupid to get out in the middle of the night unaccompanied.
I snatch the phone from him and end the conversation, then let it fall on the ground.
"What the hell?"
"You and I need to have a word."
"Excuse me?" his voice gets high pitched, and not out of some fear, but rather from the entitlement all guys like him have pouring through their veins. I bet my money it takes him less than two minutes to ask me if I have any idea what his father could do to me.
"Listen to me and listen well." I'm restraining myself very much from poking my finger against his chest. Because I'm almost sure I'll want to get to the other side of his ribcage. "Keep away from Rose."
"Who do you think you are to tell me such a thing?"
"Your greatest nightmare if you don't listen to me."
He laughs at me. "Good one, Belikov. Why don't you piss off?"
He wants to reach for his phone, but I get a hold of his arm and keep him in a straight position.
"Do I look like I'm joking?"
"You cannot touch me."
"Then what the hell am I doing right now?" I even squeeze on his arm, to prove my point.
"When my father finds out about this…" he laughs, feeling superior. "And that little bit-"
Okay, he asked for it.
I punch him in the liver and he bends at the middle, and soon falls to his knees.
"Did that feel like enough of a touch?"
"You will get fucking destroyed for this, Belikov! I will ruin you!"
It's my turn to laugh. "Will you? And what will you do, huh? And try not to mention your father for once."
"I'm fucking reporting you!"
"And who will believe you? It will be my word against yours."
"Everyone! I am a fucking Moroi! You're nothing!"
"Go ahead. Report me. What proof do you have?" discreetness is a guardian's best asset, right? And I could be a pro at not leaving traces behind.
"I am going straight to the king with this! My father knows him! Your days are counted, Belikov!"
I cannot stop myself from laughing again.
"Be my guest."
That piece of shit will do nothing too big to punish me. He's still too afraid of me. And if he's not, I can make him be. Remind him of that good old day.
"But mind my words." I grab him by his hair and make him look me in the eyes. "If you ever get near Rose, if you ever bother her, even for a second, if you ever even breathe in her presence, you're going to have to deal with me. And this punch? Consider that only my warmup."
I leave him to pick himself up, and head toward my room.
On my way there, I see someone else having a nightly walk. I decide to ignore his presence. I pick up my pace, hoping he won't follow. I'm really in the mood to throw another punch and god knows I'd like him to be my punching bag.
"Hey, you! You said you wanted to talk to me."
"Not now, Lord Ivashkov."
He quickly catches up to me. "Why not?"
"Because!" Because I'm going to break his fucking face! And Rose would hate me for it. I take a deep breath in and regain too little control over myself. "Because I have something else to do. Can I look for you later?"
"Are you alright?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"You…"
I see him looking at me, but you know, like around me. And remembering what Rose said about him…
"Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"What you're doing."
"What am I doing?"
"Stop thinking you know anything about my damned aura. It's total crap and you're worrying Rose for nothing."
"Your mood right now tells me the exact opposite."
I take a step toward him, my face so close to his now.
"I could show you what my mood…" another deep breath. I really need to keep myself in check. "Don't test me, Adrian. Not tonight."
He's usually not the guy to be frightened, but I see it in his eyes that he's afraid now. Afraid of what I might do. Honestly, I am too, especially after what happened with Aaron. I can't even believe it was me who hit him like that.
I take a few steps back.
"We still need to talk. But not now. And please, don't tell Rose about this."
"Shouldn't I tell her about Aaron either?"
He saw that? I didn't see him around. Fuck!
On his face, I don't see contempt or pride because he knows. I see concern, and if it were a normal day, I'd laugh at the prospect of Adrian being worried for me. But given the circumstances, I understand that something is utterly wrong here. Wrong with me.
I'm not the one to easily beg, and especially not him, but tonight, these words come so easily out of my mouth.
"Please, Adrian. She doesn't need to know. She's already doing bad enough."
"What about you? How are you doing?"
"I'm managing it."
"Poorly."
"I'm still managing it."
"You're not doing her any favor if they hang you, cuz."
"I know."
I already regret what I did earlier.
And when the clarity of morning comes over me, I cannot believe I've done such a thing. How did I lose my temper like that? And if I did this now, what else could I do one day? How bad can it get?