She stared at the flowers that littered the entire hotel suite, shocked by the abundance of colors and scents greeting her. It was quite the beautiful sight, she had to admit. If he was working on his apology, he certainly was going to great lengths. She nearly turned around and left once more, not feeling she had enough courage to see her husband yet, but she stopped herself from running. It never did her any good at all when she ran. It wasn't as if she could simply never see him again, they needed to talk things through.
It was later than she had expected to return, as she asked Georg to drop her off at the abbey rather than the hotel. She needed guidance from the only motherly figure she ever had in her life, someone who would be honest with her no matter what. She felt she had a bit more clarity on the situation after her meeting, no matter how difficult it had been to bare her soul in that way.
"Maria?" She turned to find Otto entering from the bedroom, keeping his distance as she would wish him to. She immediately felt sick to her stomach, clasping her hands in front of her to keep them steady. He looked a bit like a child to her, nervous and standoffish. "I was worried about you."
"I went to the abbey." He nodded, and she squeezed her hands tightly together as she waited. Neither was sure of what needed to be said in that moment, tension palpable between them.
"I'm so sorry. I know it's not enough, but I could not be more agonized that I hurt you. I lost my temper." She nodded, wanting nothing more than to declare that she was in love with another man and wanted a divorce, but she didn't. She knew it would never be quite that simple, and she remembered the conversation she had with Mother Abbess just an hour or so prior.
She spilled her entire truth to the woman, admitting to her night with Georg and her immense regret over her marriage. She shared the details of their argument and the afternoon with the man she truly loved. She hadn't meant to share quite so much, but she was unable to stop as it all poured out of her. The Reverend Mother was mortified and shocked, to say the least, but she found it in her heart to give her former postulant the best advice she could.
"It pains me to see you suffering, my child."
"Please don't tell me it's my own doing. I know very well that my own choices are what have led me here." The older woman took her hand across the desk, the comfort of her touch quite warm and surprising.
"I would never say that to you. No person, man or woman, deserves unhappiness." She nodded, supposing it was true enough. "But, Maria, I must admit I am struggling with the infidelity."
"I am too, Mother, very much. The disappointment I feel in myself is overwhelming at times."
"What were you thinking?" She shook her head, knowing that nothing she said would sound like a good enough reason to have stepped out on her marriage. Nobody understood what she and Georg had, only them. It was impossible to explain.
"I was thinking that I finally felt loved by the man that I love in return. The consequences weren't a concern when I was with him…I always feel so safe and loved when we're together."
"And with Otto?" She frowned, knowing her answer would be disappointing, but she could never be anything but honest with Mother Abbess.
"I don't feel a thing. I feel numb and outside of myself." She began to cry, shaking her head at how terrible she sounded. "Oh, Mother, please forgive me. I know I sound horrendous."
"Maria, you are far from horrendous." She walked around the desk and quickly took her into her arms as she comforted her. "But it's not my forgiveness to give. You must ask God for guidance, and you must remember the vows you took on your wedding day. You made a choice and a commitment before God to marry your husband. You need to be honest with him, and you both need to decide how to move forward from this, together."
"What?" She jumped at the sound of Otto's voice, pulling her back into the moment. He would have normally been annoyed by her getting lost in her thoughts, but he hid it well if he was.
"I said we need to talk. About everything." She nodded, agreeing that they most definitely needed to talk. She moved to sit upon a chair next to the sofa, making certain to choose a seat that he couldn't sit too closely to her. He took the second chair, leaning forward to meet her eyes. "Maria…I…please tell me now, do you believe you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me?"
"I…" She shook her head and looked to her lap, doing her best to form words. She felt panicked, all of a sudden. Her heart leapt in her chest, and she took a deep breath. "I don't want to do this anymore."
"Talk?"
"Our marriage, our life." He stood, clearly panicked. She couldn't continue the way they were, she would surely die from it.
"What?"
"I want out. I just...can't do it anymore."
"Maria, please. You have to know that this won't happen again. I swear it, on my life, I will never lay a hand on you that you don't permit." He knelt to the ground before her, his eyes pleading for her to change her mind. "I love you."
"You can't possibly…"
"I do, please believe me. Please, give me another chance." He reached to take her hand, but stopped quickly when he realized she had not given him permission to touch her. She bit her lip, her heart breaking at the look in his eyes. She had decided she was going to end things between them, ask him for a divorce, and stay in Salzburg when he left for home. That had been her plan before she looked into his eyes, and suddenly she couldn't form the words. His remorse flowed out of him, along with the tears that spilled over his cheeks.
"I can't live this life, Otto. I will not fear my husband."
"Darling, you have no need to fear me…"
"It seems I do. If we can't have a disagreement without…"
"We can, we disagree all the time." She gave a quick laugh, shaking her head.
"Yes, there's that too. We don't seem to agree on much of anything recently." He held out his hand, silently begging for her to take it. She hesitated, well aware of what he was trying to do, but she couldn't stop herself from delicately placing her hand in his own.
"When I took you as my wife, I made many vows and promises to you, and I am aware that I have failed in so many ways. I have not shown you the love and respect you deserve, and I promise you that from this moment forward, I will do everything in my power to deserve you. I love you with all of my heart."
"I've failed you too, Otto. Honestly, I…"
"No, please. I am at fault on all accounts." She shook her head, knowing she needed to tell him the truth about Georg. She needed to admit to her own wrongdoings once and for all.
"You're not. I have to tell you so many things."
"Stop, Maria, please. It doesn't matter. Nothing in the past matters to me at all. I simply want a future with you." He pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. "Please, I beg of you, give me another chance to be the husband you deserve. Let's start over."
She knew in her heart what she needed to do, no matter how difficult it would be to break his heart, she needed to break things off once and for all. She needed to tell him the truth about her night with Georg, about her love for him, everything she had been holding in. And then she remembered how Mother Abbess had reminded her of the commitment she made before God. Her wedding vows had been to God just as much as they had been to Otto. A marriage wasn't just a relationship she could easily step away from, it was a lifelong promise she made to him. She could hardly bear the weight of her own disappointment in what had become of her. Everything she had ever done in her life ended in failure, she reminded herself harshly.
As difficult as their relationship had been, she certainly didn't want to hurt him. She still felt a duty to him as his wife, as the woman who was supposed to spend the rest of her life with him. She looked to their joined hands, and she felt a tear fall from her eyes. She had done everything else wrong for her entire life, she could not allow her marriage to fail so easily. She owed it to him...but mostly, she owed it to God.
"Yes."