Penelope had sat at her vanity for over an hour trying to figure out what to do with her hair. She was so used to wearing it up in some ridiculous manner, she didn't quite know what to do with it.

She had worked so hard to become comfortable in her own body, her own skin that sometimes she didn't quite know what to do with herself. All she wanted was to feel like herself. Especially after seeing him.

He had taken quite a bit from her that night. And with that thought, she let her hair down. It cascaded gently over her shoulders. She clipped a small diamond pin on one side of her hair, then headed to the ball.

One might think Penelope would be rather nervous as she approached an evening with such raw potential, but it wasn't a thought in her mind. Sure she knew she would have to speak to Colin at some point, but when he came to her mind, he was no longer looking down on her from a pedestal…if anything, he was looking up.

Her hopes and dreams had been dashed, but they had been dashed months ago, and Colin was…well irrelevant now. He couldn't be a part of her life because she was incapable of looking at him with respect. If he had spoken to her the day after the ball, she would have been livid, she would've said her fair share of childish and unforgivable things. Colin wasn't the only one with a temper…

But just like Colin, she had had much time to simmer, and it wasn't until that morning she realized that she was okay with letting him go. Which, to her surprise made her quite happy. Penelope realized that it was because Colin's validation had been replaced by her own. So such a person was of no matter.

Penelope was standing at the edge of the dance floor. Until Lord Anderson comes up to her…

They had shared quite a few dances and it was only the 2nd week of the season. He was handsome, charming, witty, and looked at her in a way no one else had before…yes including Colin.

He doesn't sign her dance card. He doesn't feel he needs to. But he bows holding out his hand. She takes it and joins him on the dance floor. Blissfully ignorant.

Colin arrives in the middle of the dance, scanning the room for Penelope the second he walks through the door but can't find her. Maybe it was the crowd of people. Maybe it was the fact that she was standing in the one part of the room that it hadn't occurred to him to look…

Cressida asks him to dance, as the gentleman he is, he says yes.

They join in, a few moments in he catches a glimpse of a deep red mane, waves bellowing through the air as she spun around, his eyes swiftly moved to the face of the woman in possession of such enchanting locks.

C: Penelope?

Colin said without thinking…and rather loudly.

He looked her up and down, she looked…stunning. She was stunning. It was strange, he knew it was her and yet it she looked like a different person, and as beautiful as she looked, it wasn't the hair or the outfit that was hypnotizing him…

He looked at Cressida, a little embarrassed but not enough to apologize. Honestly, he may as well have been dancing by himself.

His first thought was:

1) Penelope is on the dance floor

Second: She looked stunning.

Third: why is she on the dance floor with someone else?

Fourth: who the fuck is that?

Colin looked at the tall handsome man opposite her, Anderson…

It had been at least a minute since Colin had really looked at Cressida. Even when his eyes weren't on Penelope, they were unreachable. There was no way to mask his utter shock, disappointment, rage, and frankly…possessiveness.

He watched while keeping up with the choreography…and he saw quite a bit.

There are different levels of intimacy when it comes to a waltz. And while they had waltzed before, they did it as friends and that was it really. But a waltz was always a good way to gage where people were at in their courtship. The easiest way to tell was watching the man. If you saw him breaking gaze or creating a little more space than necessary, it was obvious there was nothing serious on the horizon.

Colin watched Lord Anderson closely…

He was beaming, laughing. Truly seeing her for the stunning person she was, inside and out. That was something that made Colin's stomach churn.

Every time they would break apart, when he pulled her back in, he pulled her as close as was socially acceptable. His eyes never left hers, even when he spun her, his gaze was on her. And it was genuine. And when he looked at Penelope, he saw what was a very familiar sight to Colin…the moon.

Which made Colin feel truly ill. It felt like a slap in the face. He knew the gaze and he knew it well. He knew it, because it used to be reserved for him.

Just him.

Anderson was a good man. If Colin weren't madly in love with Penelope (even if he hadn't fully accepted it yet) he probably would've encouraged such a match. He would make her happy. Which made it that much worse, it made him that much more…dangerous.

After watching them for almost the entire song he realized that this wasn't their first dance, maybe not even their second?

Every observation brought him to a lower level in his downward spiral. It was very clear to him now that they were courting and they had been courting for a time…

The realization hit him just as the song finished. He bowed to Cressida, not looking at her then immediately going over to Penelope and Lord Anderson.

They smile at each other. Laughing. Before Penelope feels a sharp pinch at her elbow. At first she thinks it's Anderson being playful, but then she sees him look away in surprise, and it's Colin's hand gripping her elbow…discreet to everyone else but 2 of them.

C: Anderson.

He gives him a nod. Anderson doesn't respond, rather shocked by the intrusion, Penelope mirroring a similar expression. Except..

"Ow!" She looks up at Colin who is looking down at her, not in anger but definitely anger hidden well behind a vail that would be transparent to Penelope and no one else.

"Forgive me, did i hurt you?" He asked, not terribly genuinely.

"Yes to the latter...and no to the former."

Penelope said. Colin blinked at her, through dark eyes. He wasn't sure what he expected her response to be but it wasn't that. She was making him nervous, making him question their relationship, which was literally the last thing in the world he expected from Penelope. And he hated her for it. How dare she share such a moment with him, he had been so vulnerable with her, and she with him, and now it's as if none of it ever happened? He remembers their conversation when they Waltzed at the Featherington ball. He didn't know what had changed, all he knew was that the woman standing next to him was not the same woman he left on the dance floor that night.

...It wasn't so much her words, but more the hollowness of her voice. The lack of light in her eyes when she occasionally looked at him. It terrified him. He came home because he was afraid she might not be there to come home to. He was correct...just not in a way he had ever fathomed.

A second Waltz started to play, which was strange, there was never 2 in a row. (Thanks to Lady D and her sharp eyes and meddlesome ways...oh yes she had been watching)

Colin took a pen out of his pocket and signed his name on the Waltz line, which was wide open, thanks to Anderson.

Anderson and Penelope look at each other. As far as Colin is concerned, Anderson may as well be invisible. But still enough of a gentleman to say "pardon me Anderson, Penelope, may I have this dance?" Even though he had already made out the dance card.

She finally remembered to look around, people were staring and the last thing she wanted was a scandal…at least about her (she'd have no choice but to write about it) so she decided not to protest.

"I'll come find you right after." She gives Anderson a warm, almost…loving smile to reassure him. He smiles at her, kissing her hand. Colin watches closely and notices the level of trust that Penelope and Anderson seemed to have built. And that to him was…well it officially crossed the line. He yanked Penelope to the other side of the dance floor far away from Anderson.

"Your agenda doesn't seem to have much room for me these days?" Colin murmurs, placing his hands on her back, an inch higher than he maybe used to.

Penelope doesn't respond. Just keeps dancing.

"Buisness has kept you busy I imagine?"

Penelope's eyes shoot up at him. Half filled with resentment and half with guilt.

"Yes it has." She says Unapologetically as he spins her.

Colin pulls her back in, squeezing her to him a little tighter. He looks down with a very heated look. It almost cracks her poker face.

Penelope glances at Anderson who is getting a glass of champagne.

"How could you?"

Luckily Penelope is able to pull out of his grip because of the dance choreography. Which helped, cause now she was mad.

"Now's not the time Colin."

Colin pulls her back in-slightly changing the choreography. But not slight enough that when Penelope looked back over at Anderson, his face one of confusion and displeasure. But he was a gentleman…more so than Colin it seemed.

C: Now is the time Penelope, I wrote to you all summer and you didnt say a bloody word-I thought you were dead!

There is a pause that has them facing each other, excellent timing for him, horrible for her. But it gave her a moment to catch up to where he was.

Penelope's harsh exterior cracks for a brief moment, not understanding.

C: don't look at me like that

As if that should somehow make everything fall into place.

(they come back together)

C: if anyone else finds out they will not be nearly as forgiving (he holds her close again but not as aggressively)i don't know that i can even really say that about myself yet.

Penelope lets out a scoffed giggle and turns her head away looking at Anderson who is downing another glass of champagne. She keeps her eyes on him wishing he would look up so she could send a signal.

But just when colin thought for a moment she was finally with him, she fades away again.

He gives her a tiny shake, forcing her to look at him. His glare is menacing. But still doesn't break her.

C: beg your pardon? His voice unsettlingly controlled…

P: i just don't recall asking for your forgiveness...

Colin looks like an idiot. They pull apart.

Colin squeezing her hands rather intensely. Holding on for dear life.

Then when he spins her back in to his side digging his fingers into her as he presses her against him. His arm around her waist and her arm atop of his. (He is thankful for the choreography) because they pause and she finally looks him dead in the eyes…

P: just like I don't recall ever asking you to marry me…

He looks down at her. his brows furrowed. where did that come from?

They break apart again, and while keeping the choreography, returning to waltz position she continues…

P: I believe the last time I saw you, you were rather concerned at the idea of anyone else suspecting you were courting me. What were the words you so specifically selected…oh yes, "not in your wildest fantasies, was it?" They break apart, his eyes fixed on her.

Colin's world is no longer right side up. His jaw practically on the floor. And everything he thinks he knows shatters. He suddenly felt as if his heart had been wrapped in barb wire. And if this was his reaction to hearing his petulant comments, he couldn't imagine how Penelope felt.

They come back together, rather close.

Penelope is looking up at him, he holds her close, but his grip has changed quite a bit. He was almost cradling her now, almost like a plea not to go. But he searched her eyes that were filled with nothing but a truly excruciating resolve…

"Though, you can rest assured Mr. Bridgerton, I have no interest in marrying you."

Her tone…it wasn't quite as passive aggressive as you probably just heard in your head. It was terrifyingly even.almost a matter of fact. It was a dignified statement which she had simply accepted as truth.

Colin's face is on fire.

He knew exactly what she was talking about , he may have been drunk and careless but he knows that's not the point. The unforgivable (and frankly untrue) comments had been so meaningless to him that he never thought of it again. But now that he did…

The thought of her standing there listening when he spoke those terrible words about her, made him want to throw up. The idea that he had made her believe he thought that little of her, when in truth he regarded her higher than he did anyone else.

What did that say about him?

How could he have been so stupid? All of this time he had been so angry with her, so betrayed (not that he wasn't in his rights to be) but it had never occurred to him that he had done the same thing to her.

"...I have no interest in marrying you."

As Penelope finished the sentence, she let go. It was perfect timing. He didn't bow to her, he hadn't recovered from their conversation with as much dignity. But he keeps his eyes on her as she curtseys.

He finally responds, swallowing…

C: Penelope…

He croaks out her name in its entirety, Void of any support of breath. Unsure of what else he could possibly have to say for himself.

P: Mr. bridgerton

She then gives, what may be the most painfully dignified curtsey to ever grace the floors of Mayfair, then turns to leave.

he grabs her hand.

C: no—

"Don't touch me." She finally spat. Yanking her hand out of his. Who the hell was he to tell her no?

Her voice was quiet enough not to make a huge scene but clipped and powerful enough to summon Anderson.

It was truly a bullet to the chest he never in a million years would've expected…not from Penelope. The dance was over and they were no longer in the middle of the floor where everyone's eyes were on them; where she had used up all of her composure and good graces. Colin didn't think he could be any more distant than he already felt from her. He was wrong. He was finally seeing the side that wasn't quite appropriate for the dance floor…the real side.

She was wasn't playing.

He lets go.

—"Don't touch me…"

He lets go reluctantly and watches as she slides her arm through Anderson's. He escorts her out. That settled it. It wasn't lost on Colin what it would've meant had Penelope left with him instead. It was what he wanted more than anything, it would mean he was courting her. But she didn't leave with him…

She left with Anderson.

TAKING THE AIR...

"Dont touch me." the words and sound of her voice pricked his skin all the way home. Playing over and over in his head the entire walk back to his Bloomsbury apt.

Colin knew that he had no dictation when it came to the propriety of Penelope…he had definitely seen to that.

He was so used to just being able to grab her hand. He didn't realize how much he liked it until now. How entitled he felt. And how wrong and backwards it felt to not be allowed to do that anymore.

She didn't want him to touch her. He thought again trying to accept the reality while also trying to fight the hollowness in his gut that came with it.

Colin kept his cool all the way home. Once he was home in his room he sank down in the chair at his desk, he was rather impressed with himself how long he managed to hold his shit together.

—She didn't want him to touch her.

He flips the desk in front of him.

He plops back down in his chair, leaning forward putting his elbows on his knees to hold himself up. He runs his fingers thru his hair, then rests his face in his hands, feeling utterly helpless, useless, ashamed, a cocktail of feelings that were very much foreign to him.

Next to his family, Penelope was the most important person in the world to him. He had never realized what an anchor she had been for him throughout his entire life. Literally pulling him to the ground since the day they met.

A ghost of a smile crossed his lips.

How had he fucked things up this bad and how did he care this much? Of course he cared for Penelope and her feelings, but every thought about her that crossed his mind ate away at him. How was he supposed to fix that, because he had to. There was no way he would lose someone so dear to him without putting up one hell of a fight….

THE OPERA...

Colin spots Penelope in the box. He had pulled Lady D aside earlier in the evening asking her to invite Penelope to the box where she had invited him and his mother.

She quite liked the idea.

He sits down next to her, but she moves slightly away. Colin looks at her. Penelope can feel it but keeps her eyes on the show.

"I didn't mean it." He whispers, but very warmly.

Penelope's throat fills up. She leaves. Colin follows her.

C: Penelope

She keeps picking up the pace down the empty hallway.

He catches up to her as they reach a balcony, spinning g her around, clutching her upper arms tightly, pulling her closer immobilizing her.

C:stop and listen to me.

Penelope try's to move but his hands are too tight, then she makes the mistake of looking him in the eyes, which are blazing. He has her locked in.

As soon as she relaxes a little Colin losens his grips, still keeping his hands on her arms.

C: I was a drunken fool

Penelope looks away. He squeezes her arms.

She does looks back.

P: so you didn't mean anything you said that night?

Colin knows what she is talking about. It was definitely not lost upon him even before she had brought it up.

C: No. There were things I did mean.

His tone is low, but absolute.

She stares at him, saying nothing.

C: Youare special to me Penelope. I did mean that.

A pause.

C: I still do...

She can't take anymore. She closes her eyes, and with the slightest of force, pushes him away.

P: I don't have space in my life for this Colin. I need to protect my family. I need to protect myself.

C: Let me help you

he steps forward. She steps back holding up her hand.

P: I don't want your help. Don't you get it?!

Colin did his best not to be offended but was wildly unsuccessful.

P: you told my uncle that our conversation was meant to be kept private...out of respect for our reputation, was it not?

Another whammy. It was true, and yet he had turned around 10 minutes later and saw that doomed fate through, himself.

Fuck.

Colin just stands there, bomb after bomb landing in his lap.

P: why did you even bother to help us? When you clearly hold us in such low regard anyway?

The most dreaded of questions...

*this author still can't fathom an answer that one*

Truth time...

C: i would consider myself most fortunate to be seen with you Penelope; Just so long as you promise not to publish every single detail of our private relationship.

Penelope's body stilled.

P: look Colin, I'm sorry for lying to you. And I'm sure it was painful to hear it from Eloise.

C: you know, you really give Eloise too much credit.

P: She is my friend Colin. And even if she isn't, I'm not going to speak badly of her. The words i already wrote will haunt me forever.

Penelope looks away, the first glimpse of vulnerability Colin had seen from her since he arrived home. But she was hurt...and that wasn't a feeling Colin was going to allow to be sustained.

C: I see. well I suppose I could've had a chat with her, maybe put things in perspective.

P: you couldn't have known Colin.

C: Couldn't i?

Penelope pauses again, searching his eyes. He almost looked…she didn't even know.

C: Penelope…

He almost whispers her name as he takes a small step to her and tilts her chin gently with his index finger so that she is looking up at him. Their faces an inch or two apart.

"...you wrote to me all year." He reminded her whispering into her face, the breath of his words brushing against her lips as she inhaled his confession.

The last year flashes before her eyes. Every letter, every look when he came home earlier that summer, every word…it all came into perspective.

She searches his eyes, and it's all there.

He knew.