Chapter 9: Too close, too far
Notes: Hello everyone! I am extremely sorry for being so late. I had busy and awful months. I hope yours were better! I wrote this one a little sloppily, so there might be more mistakes than usually (hope not!). You can send me a PM if you spot something, or generally for corrections, things you didn't like and so on. Also, if you have time write a review, you are too silent lately. Love you all and thank you for your support.
Enjoy…
Xxx
Kassandra has returned to Sparta alone, leaving Kass and Phobos in the woods. Her mother had told her to meet at Leonidas' grave before they go to the throne room. Kassandra was relieved, the letters she found proved that Brasidas was trustful and they provided helpful information as well.
Among the messages, there was one seemingly official and the others were simple correspondence from the Sage, that name reminds her of something. In one message it was written clearly that the commander would be paid, if the trained helots were roused to cause commotion. In another it was written that the commander should move forward with them and lead them against Sparta to take it over the moment Athens fell or Sparta won the war and he would be rewarded.
Some more similar letters were found, deals for money and weapons to the commander in exchange with his secrecy and obedience to follow blindly the unknown to him payer's cause, all of which indicated corruption by the cult. It wasn't a commander's ambition to get the throne. Nevertheless, she managed to destroy one more of the cult's plans. The Sage is up to her list, he's her next target.
Then realization hits her the Monger was corresponding with the Sage, too and she notices at the formal letter this nickname is also referred. « … your new secret assignment is to follow every order by the Sage. You will be rewarded plentifully. » She sighs. It looks like the one who wrote this and the Sage are different men. She will keep this and the one which contains orders about rebellion as cultist evidence for later.
Kassandra finds her mother sitting down next to the marble memorial of Leonidas. Myrrine pats the ground next to her motioning to her daughter to sit there with her. Myrrine reveals to Kassandra that her grandfather was highly opposed during his reign and his wife Gorgo was heavily pushed after his death. Myrrine intends to let her daughter know that they might not be welcomed back not only because of what they did, but mostly of who they are, who they were born to be.
Kassandra was too young to perceive what was happening around her or be told that they were in danger after her uncle's death. She was just four when Myrrine's brother died and a new king took the throne. Myrrine always suspected that her brother was murdered, but she could do nothing to prove it.
The important part was for Kassandra to be aware of some of the family history and be more affable, if they are treated poorly. Kassandra is irritated; a desire to punch those kings burns her insides, but she is going to behave for her mother's sake.
Xxx
Brasidas is waiting outside of the throne room for Myrrine and Kassandra to show up. He has already requested a hearing from the kings. A few minutes later the women come and the three of them make their entrance together after a brief talk. Brasidas walks ahead of them, a physical shield as an indication for the guards that they are not a threat, especially the misthios.
He bows respectfully in front of the kings and waits patiently for their permission to speak. Archidamos motions with his hand for Brasidas to stand while his eyes are glued to Myrrine. "How dare you showing your face here again?" The king barks towards Myrrine, he recognized her immediately.
"Brasidas, why did you bring them here?" Pausanias asks.
"My kings" Brasidas begins with his hands at his back, taking a step closer and bowing his head once again. "I represent Myrrine and her daughter, Kassandra. They would like to pledge their loyalty and return to Sparta."
Murmurs echo in the room, the euphors wide eyed discuss briefly in hushed tones.
"After disobeying so disrespectfully and being away so long, you and this killer come back! You thought that you would be forgiven so easily because you were Agiads? You are going to regret your decision." Archidamos is infuriated, he stands up unsheathing his sword and moves closer. "We will put your heads on display at the square to set an example to everyone about traitors."
Kassandra walks forward seeing red. "You have bigger traitors around you. Like the commander who trained and armed helots, or the one who sends money and weapons to your enemies." Her voice is loud and confident. It took all her might not to reach for her spear.
Myrrine's heart beats fast, she is scared in a way, that the kings might order for the guards to capture them or kill them instantly. She has faith in her daughter's abilities but she doubts that it's possible for anyone to fight a whole army of trained men alone. Brasidas is tense as well, but ready to get in the way and calm his kings with his diplomatic oration.
"What are these accusations?" Archidamos snarled, he is taken aback though his anger is greater than before.
Brasidas intervenes before things get worse. "My king our helot problem is solved, Kassandra killed Hermagoras yesterday, he was inciting a rebellion. She found these documents on him that prove his intensions and that he was instigated by someone else who paid him. Unfortunately, there is no evidence of who is the other man." He hands to Archidamos the letters Kassandra gave him minutes before.
"Hermagoras was the one causing trouble near Gorani forest." Archidamos acknowledges and his fury for the women who stand in front of him is tamed as the new information occupy his thoughts.
Brasidas takes the opportunity to defend mother and daughter. "Myrrine has proved her loyalty in the past and now by returning to offer us a warrior as great as her daughter at our hour of need. Kassandra has proved her loyalty multiple times as well, she helped Sparta secure Megaris two years ago and since then she is an ally to Sparta. She assisted me in Korinth with the Monger, she and Myrrine fought with Naxos against Athenian forces both at land and sea. She took care of our helot problem and provi-"
"Enough Brasidas!" Archidamos authorizes and sits on his throne in deep thought.
"They will need to do more to prove us they are worthy to be called Spartans." Pausanias states looking towards Archidamos who nods in agreement. His gaze shifts to land on Brasidas. "It's unacceptable for a commander; you will be punished for calling a killer a great warrior. You are considered responsible for what they'll do from now on."
Brasidas bows his head as if to accept his punishment. He remains calm and silent although his jaw tightens slightly. It's not fear, but anger which he hides as best as he can.
The kings decide to put on two tasks to Kassandra and if she completes them, they will grand her and Myrrine their citizenship. Archidamos requests her to join the Spartan commanders in Delion, Boeotia to fight at the battles against the Athenians and win. He sends Brasidas there as well to help the commanders and then come back again to report. Pausanias requests her to ensure that Sparta will win laurels at the Olympics next year.
The meeting is over. The kings assigned to Kassandra tasks that in their opinion couldn't be accomplished. Brasidas admits that Athens has the upper hand in Boeotia. The region is difficult to be taken over.
Kassandra apologizes to Brasidas for entangling him. She really feels awful, she is the cause he is being watched from now on. He says it's fine but he doesn't speak much after that. He acts differently around her, compared to his stance yesterday she can tell that something happened.
She reminds him that she has discovered important documents which interest him. He isn't tempted. He claims that they need to make preparations to depart for Delion and they will have plenty of time on the way there and takes the road to his house without another word.
Kassandra glances at her mother confused. Myrrine advises her to mind her tasks for the time being and give him space. She decides to remain silent, pretending she knows nothing and redirect her daughter's attention.
Myrrine is certain that her conversation with Brasidas in the morning was causing these effects and she was glad that she persuaded him while on the other hand felt guilty for the bitterness that Kassandra would be feeling. She told herself that it was better this way. The pain Kassandra would feel now that he is distant is insignificant compared to what she would feel if they reveal their feelings to each other.
Xxx
Myrrine sees Kassandra and Brasidas off wishing them to return untouched. She kisses her daughter and advises her one last time to be cautious and not to push Brasidas. Kassandra nods once and rides Phobos, Kass is beside him ready to follow them.
Kassandra hopes that their journey together will make him appease sooner or later. For the rest four days they will be alone and will have to cooperate to hunt, eat and sleep. It is frustrating though thinking that the same journey yesterday would be joyful and would fill her hopes. She lets her thoughts drift away as her hair is blown by the wind caused by the high speed Phobos runs.
Brasidas, on his own horse, chose to ride ahead so that Kassandra wouldn't be in his sight and he could keep his mind clear. He was heavily affected by Myrrine's words in the morning and the meeting with the kings made it even worse. His friendship with Kassandra got him already in trouble, both of his kings completely displeased with him. Myrrine's words coming to life, hunting him.
An idea hits him, cheering him up slightly, once she has completed the kings' requests everything will be easier. She will be a citizen again, neither the kings nor anyone else will question her loyalty. Soon, in less than a few years the state won't be against his choices. The query is what he would do, if he was in Nikolaos position, being ordered to reject his family. One thing is for sure, he would never physically hurt Kassandra even if he was threatened by Sparta.
That moment Phobos runs past his horse and the corners of his lips turn upwards at the sight of her.
Many hours pass, the horses and the lynx are exhausted. Brasidas and Kassandra decide to pause and let the animals rest while they'll hunt. Kass loves hunting with Kassandra but she's so tired that she curls up near Phobos to take a nap. Brasidas ties the bridles of his horse to a bole while Kassandra whistles to Ikaros to locate deer.
For Kassandra, hunting is easy and soon enough they achieve a clear head shot with Kassandra's bow at a deer's head. Brasidas is a capable hunter, of course, a necessary ability for every soldier, but his skill doesn't match hers at using the bow. Kassandra skins the deer while Brasidas picks up wood to start a fire.
They haven't exchanged many words since they left Sparta. Kassandra takes up to feed the horses, Kass and Ikaros while Brasidas goes to the small creek to bring water. They have camped to rest for the night here.
They are sitting around the fire in silence eating. Ikaros lands beside Kassandra chirping asking for one more treat of meat. Brasidas watches them in awe.
"How did you, um… come close?" He asks pointing at the eagle and having difficulty in finding the right words.
"Oh, you speak? I had forgotten I had human company." She teases him averting his gaze to look back at Ikaros. "He came to me, after the night at Taygetos, he may have liked my fall." She shrugs and pets Ikaros feathers as he opens his wings in pleasure.
Ikaros flies away taking up again his post at going around in circles over their heads. Kassandra holds her spear cleaning it and Brasidas watches her and Ikaros back and forth.
"It's unusual you know." He chuckles at how indifferent she talks about it. She is silent concentrated on her spear. "I am sorry I was distant today." His apology is honest; he doesn't want to make her sad.
"I didn't want to be a pain in your neck. I told you this morning, I am sorry and I mean it. I will try not to get you in trouble." She is remorseful; he shouldn't have to face any consequences because of her.
"Good luck on that." He chuckles teasing her and they laugh together. Her whole being is like showing a red cloth to a bull for Sparta. "In truth, it's fine. I was disappointed with my superiors, but I wouldn't like to discuss it." He admits.
He was aware that the women wouldn't be warmly welcomed or accepted easily, but he awaited a different come out. The aversion of the kings and euphors towards Myrrine especially was indeed very abrupt. Even though her life was destroyed by Sparta years ago, she returned back upon witnessing the corruption, offering aid.
The moment the kings' anger was reflected on him, it made him feel like a used sword. He has felt many times that he is underrated and despised. He wasn't sent to fight at the war front lines, not expecting to be commander himself, but even as an additional advisor. His training in tactic, strategy, troops commanding and diplomacy was meant to be used right after his twenty-two, making him a higher official. Instead he was sent to lead a small group of hoplites down at Methone without any reason or task and when Athenian forces attacked the area unexpectedly, the win wasn't appreciated.
Even then after the unexpected victory his reward was to has his name written on the silver honorary distinction, been awarded a laurel and given the post of euphor, instead of getting a higher rank or been established as a commander of a unit.
Later he was sent as a second advisor to various other commanders and captains just before difficult battles which where won with his intelligence and flexibility. Battles which were thought to be already lost, as if sending him to his death sentence. Then sent to Korinth as a simple spy. He felt weird wondering if it's all in his mind.
"About that, you will probably be disappointed further. Look at this. I found it on that commander." Kassandra breaks his thoughts. She reaches for her pouch and hands him a message to Hermagoras with a wax red seal.
The letter is an official order to Hermagoras to train helots with the pretext to send them to war and keep them here close to Sparta giving them freedom and additionally he would be bribed to obey to someone else's orders, called Sage. Brasidas is shocked upon recognizing the content is treason to Sparta and signed with the royal seal.
"It can't be…" He utters stunned as he reads the letter. "One of the kings was behind it?" His brows are furrowed.
"What?" Kassandra's eyes go wide in shock and confusion pleading for further explanation.
"It's a royal seal Kassandra. Only the Kings use it. No one has access to their royal offices." He explains while his mind takes up speed.
"Possibly he is the Spartan cultist we are looking for; he must be behind everything." Kassandra vocalizes her opinion openly, getting out the rest of the papers she has with her.
"No Kassandra, it's preposterous." He argues. "Why would a Spartan king do such things?" He is in denial; he shakes his head discarding the thought.
"He is a cultist Brasidas! That's why." She emphasizes the word, she has told him, explained to him about that secret society. He must understand.
Brasidas stands up and starts pacing. He folds his arms to his chest and lifts his right hand to comb his beard with his fingers. "This is troubling news Kassandra. The orders we receive may serve a cultist cause or may be traps. Your tasks, one of them may be a trap."
"Both could be, your kings were angry at you for befriending me and my mater and you said it yourself that Boeotia is almost lost. Archidamos sent us both here, two birds with one stone."
"I cannot believe it's king Archidamos, we have fought side by side, he is Sparta's king for so many years, he loves the city and even though he is loud, he is a traditionalist." He defends the king that he's been obeying since he was a young boy.
"So, it's Pausanias, he was the one that set you responsible for my faults, he could set something up at Ellis and again having dealt with us both after that." Kassandra easily finds another theory to support.
"Neither, we were playing together when we were boys, assisted each other on the battlefield and he has never been harsh on others." He covers his face in his palms. Pausanias was always withdrawn and quiet, but Brasidas couldn't believe that his king was a traitor.
"Then who Brasidas? Do you have a third king whom you hide because he is bad?" She jests at the verge of being angry.
"I don't know. I need time to think." He turns his back on her and heads to the creek.
He walks to the water to wash his hands and face. He hopes that the sound of the flowing water will distract him. A few months ago, he wouldn't waste the time offered to spend with her without anyone else there, but today he can't be in her presence.
He lets his shield down, unties the laces of his chest plate and removes it placing it on his shield. Then he undoes his belt to take off the pteruges. He places his armor neatly on his shield, letting down the spear and sword. He keeps with him only a short blade.
Xxx
Kassandra ponders on going to find him. Instead she decides to stay awake until he returns. She doesn't want to let it go, they already have so many obstacles between them.
He appears from the same direction he had left holding weapons. His armor is sloppily worn. He lets his shield to the ground and his spear right next to it.
"If you wanted someone to spar with, I was here. Should I say poor trees or poor animal?" She teases him.
"Neither. I went just to freshen up." His voice comes out flat, normally he would chuckle at her teasing. It's not her fault and he knows it. "Forgive me, I need some time to... to accept the facts." He adds the last words almost in a whisper.
"I understand. It's hard when everything you are accustomed to comes upside down." She says softly.
He nods reaching out to her with his hand a gesture of gratitude instead of words. They lock eyes together for a long moment neither of them speaking.
"Let me help you with this." Kassandra breaks the silence with a smooth low voice. She steps closer adjusting the bindings of his chest plate.
Kassandra has been always confident and bold. If she didn't have feelings for him, she would easily make a move to show him that she likes him. She could untie it completely and kiss him.
It wasn't her intention, not for today at least. It was her way to make it apparent to him that she cares and will be there for him. Their eyes meet again.
He smiles at her. Their hearts beat faster. They are drawn to each other.
He ponders what to do. He feels warmth building up inside him. All the other thoughts have faded from his mind. He craves to lean in, take her in his arms, feel her lips on his.
He fears though that she might not want him. He would hate to lose her. He is grateful she is strong and she wouldn't feel like he is taking advantage of her, now that there is no one else there.
"We need to rest; we have a long way commander." Her mind took over her so that her heart wouldn't make her oblige to the urge of tasting his lips.
"You are right, goodnight Kassandra." He says with his deep voice retrieving his weapons. He hides his disappointment laying to sleep.
She watches him for a while and lies down stargazing the clear night sky.
The next day after the sun rises, they get up and pack their things to begin their travel again after they tend the animals and have a quick meal themselves.
The second day is passing by much better than the previous. They speak to each other normally almost as they did in Korinth. They are heading close to the city where they met.
Hours later.
"The horses are getting tired; we'd better stop for today." Brasidas recommends turning his head to the left to catch a glimpse of her.
"Phobos is ok but let's stop over there by the sea." She agrees pointing further at the coastline. He nods affirmatively.
Some time later, they camp at the beach, unloading the horses and laying two furs and setting down their bag packs.
Kassandra wastes no time; she jumps into the sea as soon as they have everything ready. He looks at her amused.
She looks a lot different than the mighty misthios whom everyone dreads to cross. She is like a child playing with the waves, unaware of the dangers.
In her case though she is fearless, no beast is a match to her. She looks beautiful, magnificent, happy. Almost makes him forget his worries. He will treasure this memory, her image engraved in his mind as if in stone.
"Don't you think you'll damage your weapons?" He shouts for her to hear him as she has gone pretty far already.
"I will have them fixed in the blacksmith in that case. Come on, it's nice." She calls back.
He hesitates. He has never swum with his armor on and he has to keep it shiny and his weapons sharp for the battle. Plus, he would love to enjoy his time with her, but he is reminded by the fact that his brothers are out there fighting and dying.
"Come on, I will pay for your weapons at the blacksmith." She offers to persuade him to join her.
"There is no need, thank you." He chuckles. "I need to be presentable for the battle." He calls loud enough for her to hear.
"Your loss." She teases him.
Ikaros fishes for himself and Kass so Brasidas has less food to prepare. He starts a fire glancing now and then at the sea to catch a glimpse of Kassandra and make sure she is alright.
She comes ashore much later driven by her hunger. Brasidas has prepared their meal. The sun is going to set shortly. She thanks him for the food sitting down by the fire. He is skeptical, more silent than he is normally.
"What happened? You were happier before." She remarks.
"I am trying to think of any possible way we could raise the possibilities to our advantage." He explains with furrowed forehead.
"Always so dutiful. Relax for one moment." She advises. "Soon we will be surrounded by blood and corpses. We might end up dead, why not make the most of this day?" She finishes raising her shoulders.
"I wish I could." He shakes his head.
"I can relate, all my life was a constant running race full of bad events, but I kept my head high." She pauses. "After Phoibe died, on my way to Naxos I was very sad, no optimism left in me. After I met with my mater and was in such a beautiful place the pain was the same, but I was able to leave it behind most of the day." Her confession is heavy.
"It's the truth. You must be strong and keep moving forward. There is no choice." He acknowledges with a straight face.
"Exactly, and I still remember her but I have redirected my sorrow to take revenge for her. You are lucky, if you haven't lost any loved one." She declares.
"I have..." He admits looking at her, she is waiting for him to say more, shivering from the cold.
It's a good opportunity for him to buy some time. He takes off his cloak and covers her shoulders with it. She makes a move to reject it, but he insists.
"Take it. It's windy and you are wet. I'm fine just with the heat of the fire." He reassures her, covering her shoulders with it.
"Thank you." She smiles gratefully. "So, who was it? It feels a little better when you share it." She presses on when he keeps quiet for a long moment.
"My wife and my kids." He reveals plainly.
"Oh, I'm sorry for your loss..." She offers, yet she is hit by the revelation.
"It's fine, it's been years since then." He sights hating that he has to talk about it and fearing that he might not be able to explain correctly.
"Years? But you look young, I mean..." She closes her mouth before saying any more nonsense and waits for him to speak up.
"I married at twenty-two Kassandra." He chuckles. "It wasn't love, just an arrangement. I wanted heirs, a chance to be promoted more quickly. She wanted something similar. She wanted to be an honored woman in Sparta. Our first son died hours after he was born. Then she had a miscarriage. Our daughter was born dead and at our fourth child my wife died in labor, two years ago." He says watching the waves.
"You wish you could bring them back to be a family again?" She regrets her question immediately, cursing herself for sounding stupid. Of course, he does!
"I wish I didn't make that mistake eight years ago. I regret my egoistical choice. It was immature. They died because of me, my ambition." He replies taking her by surprise.
"It was meant to happen, blame the fates. You loved them." She asserts.
"I didn't have time with any of my children, but I would love them. As for my wife I told you we didn't marry for love, but I was beside her the more that I could. I wasn't allowed to stay in the house with her, I was with the rest of the men at the agogy, but I tried to be a good husband." He discloses with a sad expression.
"How comes you didn't marry again? Or since all you wanted was kids why didn't you attempt for an heir, if I recall you could by Spartan law." She asks tense to hear his answer.
"That is a dishonor to my wife, I would be ungrateful of her sacrifice. If I ever marry again, it will be because of love and if the Gods allow it to gift me a child someday, I will be happy." He discloses simply, after all his has given serious thought to his actions and values.
"You are restrained. Most men wouldn't regret their choice and keep their eyes on their goal. Not to mention that they would marry at the first chance." She speculates, believing that most men where bad husbands especially around Greece.
"You think so?" He chuckles.
"Of course, especially now. There is war, the kings send you all around Greece, you are free to do whatever you want. You are not stack with a wife all day." She teases him lightly while at the same time she tests him.
He laughs. "These are for men with no honor. I was married when I was sent to Methone and I missed her so much..." He stops not to give the wrong impression.
"Alright, mister faithful, we got it. You are an honorable man." She teases him, feeling slightly jealous deep inside.
"What about you, great warrior and fearless Captain?" He teases her back, hoping to learn more about this aspect of her.
"I am too busy to think about a family. I would only endanger anyone around me, there are too many enemies still lurking. Maybe when I bring them all down, if I am lucky, I would like to spend the rest of my days more peacefully." She reveals smiling.
"Don't you want to become a mother someday?" He questions.
"Uh, I... am not sure... Maybe... um… much later..." She has never given thought to it. She likes kids, they soften her heart, but not having a one of her own.
He laughs again. "I got it alright. Surely not anytime soon." He utters chuckling. "Just keep in mind that you will probably have to. You have still years ahead of you but Sparta will insist on you marrying and having kids." It's now his time to test her.
"What? And this law is against me only? What about you?" She frets, she dreads the idea to be forced to give birth soon. She could leave Sparta again once and for all, however her mother would probably be disappointed.
"Relax, it's the same for all Spartans." He chuckles. "I have a few years as well." He reveals searching her eyes wondering where will this get them.
"Right. There must be a way to escape from this fate. A trick maybe." She voices her thoughts.
"I don't think so." He shakes his head negatively.
"I am leaving Sparta before that day comes. What is the age limit?" She asks suddenly having lost her joy to help her mother return to their homeland.
"For women thirty, for men thirty-five at most. The thing is that they will probably punish your mater." He informs her, hating to be the one shattering her hopes while at the same time interested to find out about her beliefs on the matter.
"Malaka." She curses and he chuckles. "My grandfather married much older than that! Couldn't I do the same?" She questions a little later as she remembered her family's history.
"Your grandfather was a man, an Agiad prince and later a king. He and his elder brother had made an agreement." He reminds her.
"You know it's unfair!" She moans and sighs like a small child.
"Maybe you would want to have a family of your own until that day comes." He implies softly and waits for her answer patiently.
She glances at him and she thinks that she could, with him. He has a smart strategical mind, he's a great and fearless warrior brave and openminded. He's a mature and honorable man who respects women, so unlike the majority of men. Even for a Spartan he is different, in the best way possible.
An idea hits her and she decides to voice it to consider his reaction. "If we are both unlucky, and have no time left, maybe we can make an agreement together." She offers with a serious face, searching his eyes.
"What kind of agreement?" He asks, his expression becomes earnest as he is patient to hear her out.
"We could have a marriage with our own secret terms." She suggests.
Her proposal stuns him and at the same time those secret terms sadden him. It's been a dream to be with Kassandra since they met, but he wishes she could see him as something more than just a friend. He decides to give small hints about his feelings.
"I doubt that I will be that fortunate. I will be dead until then or you'll find true love." He alleges instead of answering.
Kassandra hears over and over the word fortunate in her head. Could this mean something for her or was he referring to the possibility of not dying?
"So, you're in?" She asks raising an eyebrow playfully, yet yearning to know.
"Of course, I have already proposed. Remember? And you caught the apple." He chuckles. He wants to add that she is his to claim after that though it's too much of a teasing.
She laughs and recalls the bittersweet moment. She was worried about Phoibe and he did his best to cheer her up and comfort her. They converse about plenty topics for the next hours; recalling their time in Korinth, how was the next months and sharing stories from the past before sleeping.
Xxx
Two days later, they are riding to the Spartan camp in Delion. The last three days they came closer moon after moon. Neither of them has been brave to make a move. As the wind blows their cloaks causing them to wave backwards, Brasidas grabs his bringing the cloth to his face to smell Kassandra's scent on it from two nights ago. It has faded a lot, but he can still distinguish it.
His lips form a smile as he watches her riding Phobos ahead of him while Kass runs behind and Ikaros flies above. It's like everything bows to her superiority. She is a natural leader, a power of nature.
He would like to have more time with her alone to find the strength to show her that he cares for her more than she knows. He doesn't want to scare her away; he is willing to be just her friend so that he won't lose her.
Their journey is almost over, they are very close to their destination. Their time alone is running out. He is going to a battle from which he might not come out alive. His mind triggers him, insecurities blur his thoughts. He might have lost his only chance and the horses keep running closing the distance.