-It's been an hour, I think we should end it here, just for today.
-A few more.
-You said that last time.
-But this time it's true, I promise.
Alice gave Jasper a look, but she still nodded, starting to move again, it's been over two weeks since María's… visit… and Jasper was still unable to even walk alone.
All the effort and struggle he had gone through these past months had been for nothing, because he was back to zero, his knees had shattered, and while the healing was for the most part done, he was, once again, unable to walk alone nor even stand up straight without feeling like his knees were being stabbed.
It was frustrating and infuriating to have to go through it all again, because he barely got to enjoy moving around freely without anyone's help! He had just been starting to get better at sitting on lower ground on his own.
And now…
It all had been nothing.
He might or might have not snapped at Carlisle a few days ago.
He knew the man meant well, and that Jasper should be grateful for his help, but having to hear his constant reassurance, speaking to him as if he were a frail little thing made out of glass who might break at any moment if he heard the wrong thing…
It grated on his nerves, he hated it, he wasn't frail, he hated being spoken to as if he were something to protect from the "crude truth of things".
Emmett had appeared a few times to help him up, he got less on his nerves, he spoke about dozen of things, all of them unrelated to what had happened, which was great, he always kept a tight grip on him, and he always prevented him from falling if he stumbled or if his legs gave in, but he never mentioned it, never focused on that.
It was nice, I mean, it was nice too that Carlisle felt the need to assure him and ask if he was alright, that he cared, but when he kept asking him if he was alright every two minutes, it got seriously annoying, he got it, as a doctor it was just a reflex to ask that at any sign of discomfort, but God.
Point was, this morning, since he had snapped at both Carlisle and Emmett, again, not their fault, he had just woken up with a hellish headache, which just made him feel particularly sensitive to people's emotional signatures.
Again, not their fault, his gift had become a bit too… loud these past decades, like he was constantly tethering over the edge of an overload, sometimes, people's moods, no matter how positive they were, were still enough to piss him off beyond reason.
But someone's emotional signature has never failed to stand out above the rest, to not grate on his nerves regardless of how sensitive he was feeling.
Alice.
And Alice had been the one who had ended up barging into the room, well, not barging, that sounded like she was invading his room, this wasn't his room, it was hers, he was the one who took over her room, which he knew she didn't mind, but back to the point at hand.
She had been the one to help him stand up so he could do his daily "exercise", Carlisle only ever let him walk around for ten minutes at most, this so as to not put strain on his legs, but Jasper felt like he could do more.
So, he had been dragging it, sweet talking Alice into letting him walk a bit more, he wanted to heal fast, because unlike before, this time around he can't even stand alone nor walk on his own, before, while crouched down, he could still move around.
Now he couldn't.
And he hated to admit that being unable to move made him feel… afraid.
Because if he couldn't move, he couldn't protect himself, he couldn't protect Alice, if he couldn't move, he couldn't protect anyone.
Alice's arm was around his waist, all as she coaxed him to follow her steps as they stood side by side.
The monumental difference in their height made it a bit difficult, but he wasn't about to let that deter him, she was hell bent on helping him, mainly because she blamed herself for his current state, he knew this for the simple fact that he could feel her guilt whenever she looked at him.
And he hated it, he's tried to assure her several times that she had nothing to blame herself for, but Alice's always been way too stubborn for her own good, not that he was one to talk.
Still, he didn't blame her for what happened, regardless of his frustration and anger with the situation he wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again if it meant protecting her.
In the past, she used to get mad whenever he got hurt for protecting her. Overprotective fool, she liked to call him.
But she couldn't understand that she was all he had, if he lost her, he wouldn't be able to survive, she was the light that shone bright above him, she who made life brighter and much more colorful, she who chased the darkness and the whispers away.
She had saved him in that diner, and she had saved him once again in that church, how could he ever let her be harmed, when she's pulled him out of hell twice already?
And even then, he loved her too much, more than he ever thought it was possible to love someone, the idea of her being hurt, of feeling pain or fear in her emotions… it's enough to make him seethe.
She should never know pain.
He knew, that were she to know he remembered, things would be a whole lot different, she would have glared at him throughout the whole first week, she would have still been there, helping him and caring for him, but she would have done so all with a glare.
All to make her point clear on how displeased she was with his "reckless" behavior, and there would have been pain in her emotions, because of him.
He could still remember her words whenever he got hurt.
" Don't play the hero all the time, how many times do I've to tell you to stop acting like such an overprotective fool?"
"What do you mean nothing else matters as long as I'm alive? What about me? You think I like seeing you getting hurt because of me?"
"Can't you put yourself in my place for once? How would you feel like if I was the one who ended up injured because I was protecting you?"
"Don't you dare say it's different Jasper Whitlock, because it's not. How do you think I feel when you get hurt? You are not the only one who feels like his world is falling apart and like he should be stronger whenever his mate gets hurt."
"I love you. You are my mate , and it kills me to see you hurt, I hate to see you get hurt, I hate it as much as you hate seeing me hurt, why can't you understand something as simple as that?"
"You are not the only one who cares, you don't get to be the only one who cares. I care too, alright? I care too."
He had known she had been right, every single time, he had known that she had had all the right to be mad, and still…
He always made a point at acting like an idiot by disregarding her words, always lying and assuring her he wouldn't do it again, always saying anything to appease her.
But she couldn't understand that whenever he felt the slightest hint of pain in her emotions he wanted nothing more but to burn the entire world to the ground if that meant easing her pain. He knew it was a most terrible habit she had hated to the core.
But he couldn't help it. As a human, he had been raised to protect women, to respect them and make sure no harm came towards them, not from others and certainly never from him.
As a vampire, that sense of protection had heightened, even more so towards people he wanted to keep in his life, life as a vampire was hard, and finding other people who could be trusted was a thousand times harder than doing so as a human.
Alice was the first person aside from Peter who had made him feel like he could put his life in her hands without a second doubt and know she wouldn't stab him on the back.
Her warmth was incomparable and the light she brought to his life… he hadn't wanted to lose that, ever.
But he had also known he had to be comprehensive, understanding. But God, that was infuriatingly hard, he didn't want her to be hurt, he could never let her get hurt. She was asking for the impossible whenever she brought it up.
And that line of thought was what had led him to let them take him, when he had realized he was much too weak to keep on fighting, he had given up, not wanting Alice to come back and do something stupid.
He wouldn't have been able to protect her, he had taught her everything he knew, she could take him in a fight, she would be safe even without him, he had hoped she would get to the Cullens safely, to find her once he got free.
But he never expected that he would fail at escaping, that the Volturi would have such talent at subduing him, but again, María had been with them, of course she would have told them the best methods to subdue him.
Point was, he had done the impossible to break free, to keep Aro from reading his memories, to keep himself strong, unyielding, but at the end, he spent decades away from Alice, subjecting her to a pain he could have given the world for her to not go through it.
Aro had learnt about her, and now he couldn't even walk, he couldn't do anything, he guessed that was in part the reason he kept the truth from her, if he told her that he remembered everything, then it would make it all too real.
Acting like his memories didn't exist made it easier to act dumb around her, right now, he wasn't worth much, he felt like with how weak and pathetic he was, he didn't deserve her.
He cursed as his leg suddenly gave in, he never hit the ground though, because one moment he was side by side with Alice, and the next thing he knows he's right infront of her, his arms having come up around her shoulders without his knowledge, their face so close his heart skipped a beat, any anger that might have threatened to arise because of his leg failing disappearing completely.
-We should end it here. Carlisle said to not overdo it.- Alice's voice was filled with nothing but concern, but there was also a firm edge that left no room for argument.
-Alright.- He conceded. Alice helped him back to the bed, and once he was sitting down he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her into a hug and hiding his face against her stomach.
Alice smiled, carding her fingers through his golden curls.
-Are you feeling okay?- Alice asks softly, a nod is all she gets, Jasper's been acting odd these past weeks, and she still couldn't decipher whether it was because of what had happened with María and his memories of Aro, or because of something else.
At times, he seemed to avoid her, would even give her the silent treatment, but then he would go and act so clingy she honestly worried, and he wouldn't fall asleep unless she was there with him.
Sometimes, he would look at her as if he knew her, it made her wonder if he had remembered something, and there was something about his behavior in general when he clung to her that made her feel like she was holding her old Jasper.
Whenever he was falling asleep, he would grab her hand and hug it against his chest, or how he would pout at her whenever she stopped stroking his hair, he also had acquired the habit to tap his fingers on his leg whenever he was bored, he would do it in the same motion he used to, as if he were playing a guitar.
His habit to bite his bottom lip whenever he was anxious had also returned, and so had his way of reacting to her coaxing him to stop bitting his bottom lip, he would either lick or bite her finger, the lick had no ulterior motive nor the bite had actual strength, it was just his childish way of attempting to shoo her away.
In the past, if he did neither, it meant whatever had him anxious also had him frightened, that had only ever happened whenever he had an "episode", most of the time would end with him clinging to Alice and refusing to let her go because there was "danger" near.
Point is, he's been showing a lot of past mannerisms, it makes her both glad and hopeful, because if those mannerisms were returning it meant his memories might be reachable.
That he might remember.
~
Jasper's staring at the ceiling while he laid on the bed, hands resting on his stomach, that's when he heard the footsteps, he's learnt to identify everyone's footsteps by this point, same as with their emotional signatures.
So he knows who it's long before the sharp knock comes from the door, even if the door is ajar, she always knocks, be it in the room he used before, or now that he was in Alice's room.
She always knocked.
Rosalie.
-Come in.- He conceded, not bothering to look towards the door when this one opens. He wonders what does she want, him snapping at Emmett and Carlisle this morning must have left clear he didn't felt like dealing with anyone that wasn't Alice today.
Rosalie's face invaded his view of the ceiling, she was scowling at him, that scowl that never seemed to leave her.
-Get up.- Her voice was stern, but her emotions weren't hostile, he frowned, but he still sat up, what was she planning? Alice was downstairs, and he was quite sure anyone could hear her.
Plus, while he didn't trust her, he knew she wouldn't actually hurt him, she's had dozens of opportunities to do so, in fact, she's been oddly weird lately, she stared, a lot, and whenever they played cards, she wouldn't explain as much, and alright, he didn't really need her to explain to him.
At least not if it weren't those odd Yugiwhatever cards Emmett had made him play with once, he knew every single game of cards out there, his brother used to take him with him to the bar where he played the guitar at.
Jasper had learnt how to play any card game from the best ones, he was particularly good at Poker.
Point was, at times, he felt like Rosalie had noticed something, but what? He's been extra careful, if Alice who spent most of the time with him couldn't figure it out, how could she?
Still.
-Is somethin' wrong?- He questions, needing some kind of clue on what was happening, he wasn't in danger, he knew that much, but that still left him not knowing what to expect, Rosalie didn't just ask people to hang out, he's figured out that much, so what is it?
-We are going out.- She tells as a statement of fact, holding her hand out for him to grab.
-Who are "we"?- He asks, still not taking her hand.
-You and me.
-What for?
-You need to know it all?
-You might have missed it, but I can't do much right now, so, yes, I do wanna know why do you wanna take me out.
She gave him a look before dropping her hand and leaning down.
-We need to talk, so, unless you want Alice to know that you have recovered your memories, I would suggest taking this conversation somewhere else.- Rosalie told, she had been theorizing about this for over a week now, but she had her final confirmation when Jasper jerked away from her, narrowing his eyes at her dangerously.
And for a moment, as weak as he was, she was able to catch a glimpse of the so called "South's Terror".
But she didn't let it bother her, she wasn't afraid of him, memories or no memories, she's spent enough time around him to realize that he wasn't as dangerous as people had made him out to be.
Or at least not to them.
-So? Wanna go out?- She asks again, offering her hand to him and smirking at the cold glare he levels her with, and still, he takes her hand.
-Alright.
She pulls him up, careful as she does, her arm around his waist as she led him out of the room, he could stand, and walk, but he couldn't walk too fast nor could he handle his whole weight, so, little steps, even if he smelt like hell, she was quite sure he isn't showered again since the first time months ago.
But that wouldn't deter her from this conversation.
He stared at the ground as they walked, jaw clenched tightly.
His dislike for touch had returned twice as bad as when he was first brought, he didn't show it, but he would tense a lot when someone that wasn't Alice touched him, he would flinch, and at times, his heartbeat could be heard as it accelerated and he began hyperventilating.
At times, it made her wonder what had happened with María that day, neither Alice nor him would give any detail, just that Jasper's legs broke when he shapeshifted.
And that María had thrown vervain at his eyes, the blindness had persisted for over five days, those five days had been hell, Jasper had been completely and absolutely volatile, not even when he was found at the church had he been aggressive.
At least not with him being aware of it.
This time around he had growled, snarled and hissed at anyone who so much as stood by the door, he had only let Alice anywhere near him, there was that time he had a panic attack out of nowhere and he fell off the bed, several stitches had snapped and he had been bleeding all over.
Alice had gone into town to get some supplies, so Carlisle had tried to get near, cue word on the "tried", Jasper might have been blind, unable to walk and weak with blood loss, but he had still been strong enough to tear off a chunk of Carlisle's arm.
He had been ultimately subdued by Emmett, Edward, Jacob and Bella.
Bella had had to use her gift to keep Jasper from using his, he had spent over half an hour screaming and struggling until he eventually passed out.
Point was, he had been extremely volatile, and while it could have been attributed to his temporal blindness, there was just something about it that didn't sit well with Rosalie.
When his eyesight returned… he got less volatile.
But something had still bothered her, she hadn't been sure of the what.
Until last week, it began with the looks, he's always given Alice that lovestruck look, but he's been looking at her differently, there was something much more intense there, aware, knowing.
As if he knew who Alice was, not because she or Peter told him, but because he knew. Alice's also commented on little mannerisms that had come back, Rosalie had truly begun suspecting about his memories having returned when she caught the glare he sent Jacob when this one patted Alice's head.
Of course it had been harmless teasing, but the look Jasper had given him, while Alice hadn't seen it, Rosalie had seen it, that hadn't been the glare of someone being bothered by someone else touching so familiarly their crush or supposedly mate.
That had been the glare of a fully aware person who was very much pissed that another man was touching so familiarly his mate.
After that, she had paid extra attention to his interactions with Alice, he would be evasive one moment, and the next he would be clinging to Alice for hours on end.
Now she had her confirmation, his memories about Alice had returned.
She got him to sit on the copilot's seat, this before closing the door, she had told Alice that she would take him for a drive, thank God she hadn't made questions.
She got on the driver's seat before shutting the door, Jasper didn't paid mind to her as she started the car, he seemed more interested in looking around, at the backseats, out of the window, at the mirrors.
And she guessed it somewhat made sense, even if he had his memories back, he spent the past decades locked up, and before that he had lived a nomadic life, and he was originally from the 1800's.
Cars weren't a thing in his time as a human, and then as a vampire she guessed he hadn't had need for it.
Silence reigned in the car as she drove away from the house, the only sounds being that of the gravel crunching underneath the wheels, the wind, and Jasper's heartbeat.
She didn't think she could ever get used to that, that from now on there would be a black blood around, but she guessed that if she could get used to the wet dog smell from Jacob, she can get used to the acid that came with this one, plus, Jasper was much more bearable than Jacob.
He was quiet and he wasn't irritating, plus, he made Alice happy, Alice's always been obsessed with making sure everyone was happy, Rosalie felt like for once, she deserved to be the one to be happy.
And if Jasper was what it took, then so be it.
-How long?- She finds herself asking, she doesn't need to elaborate, she knows he knows what she's asking, he brings his attention to her before looking out of the window, back leaning against the seat.
-Since María.- Came the defeated whisper after a moment.
-You haven't told her? What is it? Payback for the way she lied to you before?- Rosalie questions, she isn't mad, just… confused, annoyed, because God, if she has to stand by and have to watch the same thing repeat all over again she was gonna punch someone.
Because why did they have to make everything so damn complicated?
-... No.
-Then what is it?
Silence.
And then.
-I don't know.
That wasn't what she was expecting.
-You don't know? What does that even mean?
More silence, he was fiddling with a loose thread on his sleeve.
-It means that I don't know.- Jasper snaps before biting his tongue and squeezing his eyes, fingers curling into fists as he clutched his wrist.
Pain, he's found, helped him focus, made the fog not take over his mind.
-I remember everythin', everythin' they did… not tellin' anyone makes it feel less real, I mean, 'm glad I got my memories of her back, but I could've done without the ones about-
No, if he didn't think about it, it didn't happen, if he couldn't remember, it didn't happen, if he didn't speak of it, it didn't happen.
-I don't want her to know, because with what she knows now, it feels like if I get my memories back, it will just prove that 'm still fucked up even with my memories.
Rosalie frowns.
-So? You won't magically heal just because your memories are back. And telling yourself it didn't happen will just make you feel worse in the long run, trust me.- She told him as a statement of fact, she could see his point, but acting like nothing happened never led to good things.
It just led to more disaster.
He didn't answer to her, he was back to staring out of the window.
For a moment, she thought that was it, that he had finished his reasoning to not tell Alice, and then.
-Have you ever had a grenade explode near you?
-What?
-That's how it feels like… the world becomes a slow motion show of nothin' but muffled sounds and a piercin' ringin' that could've very well made your eardrums burst.
He turned back to face Rosalie with a miserable smile.
-I remember Felix tearing my head off and how it felt like as my skin was shattered and my bones snapped.
Rosalie had no idea how to answer to that, how did one even answer in this situation? She wasn't sure of the reason, but she had thought he wouldn't remember such a thing, that that might be something the mind just chose to not remember or something of the like.
But he did remember that, and the look he was giving at her, she doesn't know what name to put to it, but it makes her hairs stand on end and a knot swell at the back of her throat.
-I remember each, and every single one of the nomads that came to stare, laugh or just beat me up until I was left barely alive in a puddle of my own blood, sometimes they would torture humans infront of me, either because I was starvin' or because they just wanted to torture me through my gift.
Jasper knew that he should stop talking, that he shouldn't speak such things out loud, but he couldn't stop, because Rosalie knew, and he couldn't let her tell Alice, but he couldn't nor did he want to hurt her to shut her up. He was absolutely exhausted and flat out fed up with having to hurt people who hadn't done anything to him.
So, if he tells her all, she might realize how fucked up it was and wouldn't want Alice to know nothing of the such or even get involved with someone who had no chances whatsoever at ever having a normal life at all. Because truth was that he was beyond saving.
And he's dragging Alice down with him, but he's too selfish to let her go, so, it would be easier if Alice was the one to let go. She's known the Cullens for longer than she ever knew him, with some hope, she might give up on him if one of them spoke to her.
-I can remember the smell of burnt flesh and the fire in my skin as they branded me. The broken bones that never quite healed before being broken again, the sunrise burnin' my skin off, the werewolf venom threatenin' to melt my insides, the way they would rip my limbs off, over and over again, sometimes they would reattach 'em back, sometimes it would be weeks before I could get my arms back…
Before he could move at all.
-I can't stand the feelin' of steel against my skin anymore, because all I can think about whenever I do is in how loud those chains were in the middle of the night. I can't see red clothes either because it reminds me of their robes, and I can't even shower because it feels like I might throw up…
Both because of having to see himself in the mirror and because being soaked while being naked reminded him of the worst humiliations.
He looked back out of the window, there was still so much more, so much more.
-I can't protect her anymore.
-That's-
-'m not deaf nor stupid, I know that shapeshiftin' messed up with my legs in ways that might never heal, I can't even use my damn gift anymore, because doing so is just another reminder of how infuriatin' and disgustin' everythin's gotten.
Rosalie narrowed her eyes, biting back the urge to snap at him, on one side, she could understand what would lead him to want to act like nothing happened, what he said… it was fucked up, she couldn't even imagine what kind of twisted people saw entertaining or even normal to beat up, laugh or just stare at someone who was chained up.
As if he were some kind of zoo attraction, she couldn't even begin to imagine how that alone must have affected him psychologically.
His words also explained his refusal to use the safety bars when going down the stairs, why did he not shower and why had he freaked out over the red curtains in Carlisle's studio.
And still… something about those last words… something about it felt familiar.
Then it hit her.
"He won't stay?"
That's what he had asked Alice when he was first brought and she had told him to take a shower, he had been worried about someone staying with him while he showered.
He had been chained, and muzzled, tortured for decades, the Volturi, María, the nomads, if he was mutilated and decapitated, what had stopped them from crossing the line to that extent too?
Would explain why had he been suddenly so volatile with everyone but Alice, or why he would give Alice the cold shoulder at random intervals, why was he so adamant on hiding that his memories had returned.
-You aren't disgusting.- She finds herself saying, having the feeling that that "everything's gotten infuriating and disgusting" had a deeper subtext.
He scoffed at her, silence reigning in the car.
-My fiancee raped me.
The words were out before she could stop them, he didn't look at her, but the way he moved his head let her know she had his attention. This wasn't something she had entertained telling him, there was no reason whatsoever for him to know.
But she felt like in this situation, she should tell him this, because he regarded her as if she had never had to go through a single hardship in life just because Carlisle turned her and wasn't a bastard.
Carlisle might have turned her, all of them, but all of them had their own demons, none of them had the perfect life he thought they had.
-He and his friends did, and then they left me to die in the streets like a dog, Carlisle was the one who found me.
And while he didn't save her from the goodness of his heart, that wasn't what she wanted to focus on right now.
-I know it feels like shit now, like distancing yourself from everyone is the best option, especially from Alice, but it's not, trust me.
He turned to look at her, and for the first time in her life, she was glad that she wasn't being given that same pitiful look everyone did whenever they found out about what happened to her.
No.
He understood.
-'m sorry.
-It's fine. Killing them all was the first thing I did when I became a vampire; I made sure to make them suffer and feel as weak as I had that night.
Jasper couldn't help the flicker of respect that bloomed in him for Rosalie. She sounded so calm, despite the distress in her emotions, and he didn't think he would ever be able to speak about that in such a manner.
But part of him felt like it was only fair that he gave her the same amount of information she had given him.
Even if that meant sharing something he wasn't comfortable with at all, he hadn't even told Alice yet, he barely thought about it at all.
Or more like it's something he was in denial for decades, even now, it was hard to come to terms with what had happened long before the Volturi.
-It didn't just happen there, it had happened before… I just… I guess I felt better ignorin' it. 'm an empath… the emotions 'round me can influence me just as much as I can influence 'em.
His gaze went back outside, he felt less suffocated if he looked at the changing view of the trees.
-María figured out she could manipulate me by overwhelmin' me with her emotions to a point where it was difficult for me to tell if what I was feelin' was mine or hers... Lust was one of her favorite emotions to use against me. I always thought I loved her but...
He felt shame spread across his chest, fingers digging into his wrist. Why was he even telling her this?
-I didn't love her, not really. I just... If she was happy, it was less likely I would've to be the one to kill the newborns. Less of a chance for me to be on the receivin' end of her bad mood. If she was happy, she would leave me alone. But even then, there were times where I wished she would just torture me if that meant I wouldn't have to have sex with her.
Those times had been the worst.
Those times where not even her suffocating lust could get him in the mood, and instead, it made him nauseous. It would strangle him until he was willing to tear his skin apart in the hope that it could rid him of those unwanted feelings.
Even now, the memory made him nauseous, and he wanted nothing more than to burn his skin off.
Meanwhile, Rosalie was at a loss for words.
Because, out of all things she had expected, this wasn't the one of them. She knew his gift was strong when it came to sensing emotions – he was an empath, that's what they did – and she also knew others' emotions could influence him.
But she never expected that that bitch would use it against him like that.
What kind of twisted person did that? Wasn't it enough that she stole his life as a human and tortured him for her own gains? Did she really need to go and mess with his head like that too? The fact that he had gone as far as pleasing her to avoid pain... And even then, sometimes wanting to be tortured instead...
God, to think that woman had been anywhere near him not even two weeks ago…she was dead, and Rosalie still wished she could get her hands on her and rip her apart, limb, by, limb.
Because that bitch deserved nothing more than a gruesome death.
-Was she there with the Volturi?
-Sometimes… I liked when she was there… meant she wouldn't let him touch me.- He didn't meant for that to come out, and he cursed his stupid loose tongue.
-Him?
-... Aro.
It took Rosalie's whole strength to not hit the brakes as the name registered in her brain, Aro? That fucking creep had- Christ, she had known he was bad news, he gave her goosebumps, but she never thought the bastard could cross such a line.
And what the hell had he done to make Jasper glad to have María there?
-He just did it whenever I used my gift, and he made 'em all watch, he wouldn't stop until I made a sound.
A moan, a whimper, a sob, a cry, anything to humiliate him.
Aro would spend hours stroking him to the point where Jasper had wanted nothing more but to scream, because God, the pain, it had felt like someone was flaying his entire nervous system with every single touch.
But the worst hadn't even been that, no, it had reached a new level of worse when Demetri was there, and he would never shut up about Alice, having to stand Aro's torture alongside the kind of comments Demetri made had made him feel a whole new level of impotence like never before.
Weak, vulnerable, pathetic , useless, frustrated, like he might go insane .
More than once he had passed out out of nothing but anger.
Rosalie for her side had no idea how to even answer to that, how messed up that was? To have others watching him all the while he aimed to force him into making noise.
All so he wouldn't use his gift.
That was just sick, and no wonder he hated being stared at, or how despite being capable of manipulating other people's emotions he isn't done so, not when he was first found.
Because Aro had probably conditioned him to connect using his gift with pain and humiliation.
God, was this even something he might ever be able to get past? Rosalie still had flashbacks and terrible days where not even Emmett's comfort could help her.
Jasper spent the past decades being subjected to dozens of things, some of which might have left a colossal mark on him.
He said so himself, he couldn't shower, touch steel, see red clothes or even use his gift, because it all reminded him of that hell.
And still… this particular hell… she couldn't help but bring the car to a stop, reaching out to touch his shoulder, he didn't react to her, all he did was lean against the door and take in a deep breath, she could hear the shaky intake of air.
-How can you be so nonchalant?- He questions, his voice barely above a whisper.
-I'm not, I just chose to not let what happened control me nor define what kind of life I lead. And I have Emmett, he's helped me a lot, and he loves me, specially on the days where I don't feel particularly kind.
Rosalie told as a statement of fact, Emmett might be an idiot to most people, but to her, he was her angel, he was kind, understanding, and patient, God was he patient.
He was like a breath of fresh air, her incandescent star that shone bright in the middle of the dark ocean, her star who saved her from drowning, her own angel she got to keep in this cursed life.
And hell wasn't so bad when you got to keep an angel with you.
-Alice loves you dearly, you know? You might think yourself filthy, that you don't deserve to be around her because you aren't good enough, or that you might "stain" her if you stay with her. But none of that is true.
It had taken Rosalie a long time to come to terms with that fact, to even feel like she deserved to be with Emmett.
When she first realized she was falling for him, she had pulled away, something she could see Jasper was trying to do with Alice, pull away.
She couldn't let him make a mistake he would live to regret.
-I know that our situations weren't the same, but I do know something, and that's that Alice loves you more than anything in the world, in her eyes, you aren't filthy, stained nor less for what happened.
Silence.
-I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will get better, especially if you let Alice stay by your side, trust me, trying to bottle it all up and act like nothing happened won't work, and pushing everyone away won't help either, it will just make you feel worse.
She knew that one better than anyone.
Jasper didn't answer to her words, he just kept staring outside, Rosalie's words… should he trust her words and take her advice? Or should he keep up with his stupid struggle between staying with Alice or putting distance between them?
He knew Alice loved him, Rosalie didn't need to remind him that, he's seen enough proof of it these past months, if he ever had doubts regarding Alice's feelings for him, these past months had gotten rid of them completely.
But none of that changed the fact that he still didn't felt like he was good for her, was he even allowed to be selfish? To keep her? He wanted to keep her…
But he couldn't even protect her, and the Volturi would come, he wasn't stupid, María's visit had been nothing but a warning, a reminder.
That they knew where he was.
How? He had no idea, but they knew, it wasn't a comforting thought.
But if the Volturi came… Jasper couldn't protect Alice, the reminder alone of Demetri's words towards Alice was enough to make him seethe and feel nauseous.
He couldn't protect her.
But he couldn't be weak now.
He had to be strong, if not for him, then for Alice.
He might not be able to walk, but he still had his brain, and he knew exactly what to do to get the Volturi off his back and everyone else's. Alice would be safe.
A new kind of target might be put on him if things went wrong, but he didn't care, as long as Alice was safe, nothing else mattered.
As long as everyone else was safe, it didn't matter.