"Okay, here we go," said Harry. "Hey Reddit! I'm _. Ask me anything."
"Who's Reddit?" asked Ron.
"It's not a person, it's a website," said Hermione.
"What's a website?" asked Neville.
"It's a thing on the internet," said Hermione.
"What's the internet?" asked Luna.
"You know you're not going to get anywhere like this, right?" asked Harry.
"I just thought they'd have some idea what the internet is," said Hermione.
"You live with me," said Ron. "You know damn well I have no idea what that internet thing you use does."
"Of course you don't," said Ginny. "I at least know it's how muggles store information about the world, even if I don't use it."
"Okay, so what's this Reddit thing?" asked Neville.
"It's a discussion site," said Hermione.
"What are they discussing?" asked Neville.
"Anything and everything, if you look hard enough," said Hermione.
"Including magic?" asked Ron.
"Probably," said Hermione. "Do you actually think I use the thing?"
"Uh, guys? You know we're supposed to be playing a game, right?" asked Harry.
"Oh, right," said Hermione, looking through her cards and finally picking one.
"Okay, what's the first thing the internet is asking me about?" asked Harry, picking up and reading the first card. "So, apparently I'm 'a fat bald man from the Internet.' Very funny, whoever that was."
"Well, you have let yourself go since beating the Dark Lord…" started Neville.
"And weight has nothing to do with magical ability, so you'd better watch what you say there," said Harry, grabbing the next card. "I'm also 'getting the Dorito crumbs out of my pubes' apparently."
"Still living up to the fat guy thing," said Ron.
"And you'll be quiet if you don't want to inflate a bit yourself," said Harry, reading the next card. "'Going to a high school reunion on ketamine'. Well after the shit I've been through, I should probably be using some anti-depressants."
"Most people probably should," said Hermione, as Harry grabbed the next card.
"'Torturing Jews until they say they're not Jews anymore'," read Harry. "Oof, that's uncomfortably close to a certain Dark Lord."
"I thought he just killed them," said Ron.
"Either way, they won't be able to say they're Jews and/or muggle-borns anymore," said Neville.
"Well, time for the last thing I'm asking Reddit," said Harry, picking up the last card. "'Oh dear God…"
"You know, with a reaction like that, you HAVE to read it," said Ginny.
"I know," said Harry with a sigh. "I just want everyone to know I'm reading the card though: 'Electroejaculating a capuchin monkey'."
"That poor monkey," said Hermione.
"It depends if he's into it," said Ron.
"Honestly, I don't even know which horrible answer to give this to," said Harry, looking over the cards in varying levels of disgust. "I guess the ketamine is the least worst of them, so…that, maybe?"
"I'll take that," said Neville, as Ginny grabbed the next black card.
"So, my question is simply 'what's that smell?'" said Ginny.
"Starting to regret using my 'fat man on the internet' card now," muttered Hermione as she picked a card to play.
"Well, this isn't going to win," said Neville, picking out a card and playing.
"Hey, you never know," said Ginny.
"Oh, trust me, I know," said Neville.
"Well, if you're all done picking your cards…" said Ginny, picking her first answer. "'Living in a trashcan'. Yep, that'd do it."
"Like Oscar the Grouch?" asked Hermione.
"Who?" asked Ron, Ginny, Neville, and Luna.
"Honestly Hermione? Did you really expect that comment to go any other way?" asked Harry.
"Yeah, I know," said Hermione with a sigh.
"Okay, next smell," said Ginny, grabbing the next card. "'A Christmas stocking full of coleslaw'. Why would anyone do that?"
"Maybe the person getting it really likes coleslaw?" suggested Luna.
"Nobody likes coleslaw that much," said Ron.
"Next smell," said Ginny, grabbing the next card. "'A sobering quantity of chili cheese fries'. Well, if you've left them out long enough, I suppose."
"Why wouldn't you just eat them?" asked Ron.
"Because you were drunk when you ordered them and you've ordered so many that, while eating them, you've become sober and realise you can't eat them all," said Neville. "That's what it means, right?"
"Close enough," said Hermione.
"Well, with that in mind, let's look at our next smell," said Ginny, picking up the next card. "'You'. Well, if by you, you mean whoever played this card, then yes."
"Actually, I think it means…" started Neville.
"I think we found who played it," said Harry.
"…damn it," said Neville.
"And the final smell is…" said Ginny, picking up the last card. "'That bitch, Stacy'. Yeah, she has it coming."
"Wait, so that wins does it?" asked Ron.
"Sure, why not?" asked Ginny.
"Sweet," said Ron, picking up his point. "I guess I'm up now."
"Yep. What have you got for us?" asked Harry.
Ron picked up the black card and read it to himself. "Yeah, I am not reading that," he said defiantly.
"Do it," said Ginny.
"No fricken way," said Ron.
"Accio card," said Hermione, getting it away from Ron and reading it. "Oh my God, I can see why."
"Well don't leave us in suspense," said Neville.
"There's no way my wife would…" started Ron.
"'How am I compensating for my tiny penis?'" read Hermione with a giggle, which was followed by laughter from everyone but Ron.
"…fuck you all," said Ron, as the answers started coming in. "And I hate how quickly you all answered."
"Because we already know how you're compensating," said Harry. "Why don't you go ahead and tell us."
"This one wins," said Ron, pointing at a random card.
"You don't even know what it says," said Luna.
"I already know it's going to be bad, what's the point in reading it to confirm as much?" asked Ron.
"You know we're just going to read them anyway, you might as well read them yourself," said Ginny.
Ron glared at her, then sighed in resignation. "Fine," he said. "But I'm gonna hate every moment of it."
"I don't think we were expecting anything less," said Harry, as Ron grabbed the card he initially picked.
"'The secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction'," said Ron. "Actually, I can live with that one."
"See Ron, there was some nice things in there," said Luna.
"Which is code for 'the rest of these are really bad', isn't it?" asked Ron, picking up the next card. "'Buying the right clothes to be cool'. Huh, not as bad as I thought."
"Of course it is, you're just pretending to be cool," said Neville.
"As opposed to not being cool like you," said Ron, earning himself a middle finger from Neville as he grabbed the next card. "'Knife crime'. Something I might consider if I find out who played a particularly nasty card this round."
"Amazingly, none of them have been too bad," said Hermione.
"Did we somehow all have not so bad answers for this question?" asked Ginny.
"I'm hoping so," said Ron, taking the next card. "'Filling my briefcase with business stuff'. Wow, some of these have been nothing, but this one…"
"Let's hope the last one makes up for the rest of these," said Harry.
"Please be nice, please be nice, please be nice…" said Ron, picking up the last card. "'Every man's ultimate fantasy: a perfectly cylindrical vagina'. That…really isn't that bad."
"Maybe you're the one with the cylindrical vagina," suggested Luna.
"…now it is," said Ron. "Anyway, that first one about satisfying women wins."
"Thank you," said Hermione, taking the point. "I guess it's my turn."
"Let's see if you get to read something awful this time," said Ron, as Hermione picked a black card.
"'You think you have defeated me? Well, let's see how you handle _!'" read Hermione. "Guess I'm a villain then."
"Eh, considering what we've already taken down, you're not that much of a threat," said Harry dismissively.
"I could absolutely beat you in a duel," said Hermione.
"I don't doubt it," Ginny.
"Hey, come on," said Harry.
"Do you really think you could beat Hermione?" asked Luna.
"He wishes," scoffed Hermione. "Anyway, let's see what I'm going to stop you with." Hermione picked up the first card. "'Land mines'. Well, I suppose that would keep you from getting close to me."
"What if I just Accioed all of them out of the ground?" asked Ron.
"That seems like a terrible idea," said Neville.
"Not if he dodges them as they come out," said Luna.
"Dodging the landmines as they come at him? Maybe," said Harry. "Dodging the resulting explosions? Probably not."
"You don't know that," said Ron defensively.
"Yes, I do," said Hermione, picking up the next card. "'Demonic possession'. That'd work, I suppose."
"Depends if someone destroys the diary containing the soul of the guy possessing you," said Ginny.
"I don't think all possessions start with someone's horcrux," said Harry.
"Yeah, but there's generally some kind of dark magic involved," said Hermione, picking up the next card. "Okay, the next thing you have to stop is 'infinity'. I think I win."
"You don't know that," said Ron.
"Name one thing that can beat infinity," said Hermione. "Go ahead, I'll wait."
"…I mean, I can't think of anything off the top of my head," said Ron. "But surely there'd be something that could…"
"There is not," said Ginny. "Give up."
"And on that note, my next answer is…" said Hermione, picking up the next card. "'Like a million alligators'. That'd be a tough fight for you."
"I'd could take 'em," said Ron.
"I don't know, that's a lot of gators," said Neville.
"Ron, you're not going to beat a million alligators," said Hermione, picking up the last card. "Not by yourself, at least."
"I could try," said Ron.
"You would die," said Hermione, reading the final card. "Ooh, I apparently have the power to summon 'The old gods'. That'll make me unstoppable."
"More or less so than the gators?" asked Luna.
"Luna, I've summoned gods," said Hermione.
"Yeah, but a million alligators is a lot of gators," said Luna.
"Yeah, but you don't know how many old gods there are too," said Harry. "And each of them would be taking out multiple gators each, so…"
"Anyway, how about I choose a winner?" asked Hermione. "Hmm…I think the concept of summoning the old gods whenever I want makes me damn near unstoppable. I'm going to go with that."
"Thank you," said Ron. "Alright Neville, you're up."
"Okay, here goes," said Neville, picking up the next black card. "'The elders of the Ibo tribe of Nigeria recommend _ as a cure for impotence'. Oh dear God."
"Why do I get the feeling everything we use as an answer is going to make the problem FAR worse?" asked Harry.
"Because that's the point of the game," said Ron, playing his card.
"I know mine will," said Luna, playing her card.
"I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to this or not," said Neville, as the last of the cards were played.
"I mean, unless you yourself are impotent, it shouldn't matter, right?" asked Luna.
"Is that a roundabout way of asking Neville if he's impotent?" asked Ginny.
"…Hey Neville, what were our answers?" asked Luna quickly.
"Okay, well, the first cure for impotence is…" said Neville, picking out a card. "'A whole thing of butter'. Good Lord that sounds like a horrible experience."
"I mean, if it cures it…" said Ron.
"Can't be worse than Skele-Gro," said Harry.
"Okay, next cure," said Neville, picking it up. "'Kneeing a wizard in the balls'. Yep, that's definitely going to make it worse Luna."
"Nope, not mine, I swear," said Luna.
"You sure?" asked Ginny.
"I'm pretty sure more than one person can make impotence worse," said Hermione. "Luna doesn't have a monopoly on that."
"So it's your card?" asked Ron.
"…next answer Neville," said Hermione.
"That would be 'A burrito that's just sour cream'," said Neville. "Man, I wouldn't want to be lactose intolerant in Nigeria."
"Come to Nigeria and shit your impotence away," said Ginny.
"That's not a sentence anyone should ever say," said Neville. "Anyway, the next answer for impotence is…'Drinking ten 5-hour ENERGYs to get fifty continuous hours of energy'."
"Well, if you've got the energy to last that long, surely your impotence will go away," said Hermione.
"You'd hope so," said Neville. "And finally, the last cure for impotence is…'Ejaculating a pound of tinsel'. Okay, that's gotta be Luna's."
"Perhaps," said Luna. "It depends if it wins the round."
"Are you kidding? That sounds painful," said Neville. "I think I'm going with the 10 five-hour energy drinks."
"Excellent choice," said Ginny, taking the point. "Okay Luna, your turn."
"Alright then," said Luna, picking up the next black card. "'This month's Cosmo: 'Spice up your sex life by bringing _ into the bedroom''. This is gonna get bad, isn't it?"
"Damn right it is," said Ron, playing his card.
"We've been playing the game long enough that you should know this by now," said Harry, picking out a card.
"Well, I guess I better brace myself," said Luna, as the last cards were played. "Okay, the first method of spicing up your sex life is…'The token lesbian'."
"Can't say I'd be against that," said Ron, eyeing Hermione suggestively.
"RON!" said Hermione, slapping Ron over the back of the head.
"Next card," said Luna, ignoring the minor spat between the two of them. "'The only gay person in a hundred kilometres'."
"Can't say I'd be against that," said Hermione, eyeing Ron suggestively.
"Oh, yeah, sure, you can say that," said Ron. "But when I suggest it…"
"Next card," said Luna, trying diffuse the situation. "'The dentist'."
"Who invited Hermione's parents to the bedroom?" asked Neville.
"Please, I don't need to think about that," said Hermione.
"And next we have…" said Luna, reading the next card. "'The sensitive European photographer who's fucking my wife'."
"I'm starting to notice a theme here where apparently all of us have suggested a three-way," said Harry. Hermione seemed to resist laughing at that comment. "What?"
"Oh, just…you'll see at some point, maybe," said Hermione.
"Let me guess: you have a card in your hand that somehow relates to having a three-way?" asked Ron.
"…perhaps…" said Hermione cryptically.
"Shall I find out if all five of you suggest spicing things up with a three-way?" asked Luna, looking at the last card. "Yep. The last card says 'Keanu Reeves', whoever that is."
"Action movie actor," said Harry. "So yes, all of us apparently want to have a three-way, except possibly Luna."
"I never said that," said Luna.
"Hmm, I'll keep that in mind," said Ginny, causing Harry to look at her. "So anyway, which one's your winner?"
"Hmm…I think I'll go with…the token lesbian, why not?" said Luna, giving Hermione another point.
"Okay, back to me then," said Harry.
Author's note: Current scores:
Hermione and Luna: 4
Ron and Neville: 3
Harry and Ginny: 2