On the Nemo, Brainiac 5 went about his normal morning routine of feeding an obnoxious marsupial, his fish, a worm crawling around in the sand, and his pet reptile caterpillars. Laurel then entered Sickbay for some casual conversation. "The Insane are getting jealous. You get more fan letters than anyone on this ship."
"It's only natural. I administratively control several planets now," Brainiac 5 said
"So...what's his name?" Laurel asked teasingly as she handed over a flash drive. "See what I did just now. I implied you were a homosexual," she said smartly.
"It is a he, actually," Brainiac 5 said as he connected his index finger with the thumb drive. "It's Dr. Lucas. He's on Colu."
"I didn't know humans were serving there," Laurel said surprised.
"He is the first," Brainiac 5 said vaguely.
"I had a pen pal once from Australia. I loved getting her letters. It was a window into her soul. We talked about our strange-sounding names of various places and sexual fantasies," Laurel recalled.
"You're quite the explorer," Brainiac 5 said condescendingly.
As Laurel departed, Brainiac 5 put Dr. Lucas' message on the speaker. "It's been a hell of a week here. It's mating season here, and I thought human reproduction was complicated, Oh God!"
Aside from his usual research, Brainiac 5 would get occasional interruptions to actually heal injured or sick crewmembers. "Up here, doc," Eltro said from the second floor of the engine room.
Brainiac 5 went up the stairs and found an injured human crew member. "He was trying to rewire an oxygen valve when the seal blew," Eltro explained.
"Superficial, first-degree burns on the face and hand," Brainiac 5 identified. He placed a medical scanner to his skin which rapidly healed the injury away.
The Insane/human crew interacted with Brainiac 5 fairly differently. While the human crew would generally stay away from Brainiac 5 believing him to be a robot overlord who was creepy and weird, the Insane crew loved to mess with him with false ailments. It came to pass that the human crew members would watch movies on the projector away from the Insane officers. This prevented fratinzation and the Insane officers would either talk shit or spoil the ending. Brainiac 5 would occasionally watch these interactions from afar making some people uncomfortable.
Except when it came to petty officer Cutler. She became enamored with Brainiac 5 onboard. They would sit together during movies and discuss medical training. Cutler became Brainiac 5's best student. It soon became apparent that Cutler was thirsty for more than just Brainiac 5's knowledge. "I want to see you again at the next movie showing," she said, biting her lip.
"Of course," Brainiac 5 agreed. "Assuming it doesn't interfere with a medical emergency."
"Right," Cutler nodded. "I also...want to touch you every so often if that's alright with you."
"Only in private settings," Brainiac 5 allowed. "Also, you'll need to upgrade our relationship from friend to friend plus."
"Absolutely," Cutler agreed and then made the social media change. In those days, social media allowed two people to express their interest in one another through a third-party system controlled by Brainiac 5. If the two people both expressed a likeness for one another at the same level, the third-party system would then reveal it. This prevented awkward scenarios where one person liked another but the feelings were not returned. It also made it easier for two people who did like each other to get acquainted without the social risk of getting burned.
Additionally, couples or friends could send an upgrade request into the system. Only when the couple both sent this request to the system, it would then reveal it to both people. This prevented countless millions of men from proposing to their girlfriends only to get traumatically burned on the spot. With this system, a proposing man would simply wait for a notification that the woman was ready. Now, when a relationship became downgraded, both parties knew immediately. While married, Kara and Mon would downgrade each other to enemy status. Later, Kara would try to upgrade their relationship to the system only for Mon to not do the same.
In the case of Brainiac 5, dating was awkward because he was the subject of the relationship and the third-party system at the same time. However, since he had no feelings nor did he care for the feelings of others, the third-party system was not even necessary. "I will also upgrade our relationship to friend plus," Brainiac 5 assured her.
"Thanks," Cutler said and then gave Brainiac 5 a kiss on the cheek before going back into her room.
On the bridge, Mon was bored. "What do you got for me?" he asked Imra.
"There's an M-class planet a lightyear away," she reported.
"Okay, but what about that ship right in front of us?" Mon pointed out. A rocket ship the size of a shuttle was floating aimlessly next to the Nemo.
"Ship is not answering our hails, captain," Laurel said.
"Definitely pre-warp. Could be unmanned, a probe of some kind," Ol said.
"Life signs?" Mon asked Imra.
"Two very faint life signs," she sensed telepathically.
"Bring it into the launch bay," Mon ordered Dax at the helm.
In Sickbay, Brainiac 5 woke one of the alien astronauts up. The alien had pronounced ridges around his brow and eyes giving him a zombie-looking appearance. Mon, Imra, Laurel, and Brainiac 5 surrounded the patient. "We found your ship adrift. Your ship is now ours and you are our prisoner," Mon said to him.
"Who are you? What planet?" the alien asked freaked out.
"I'm Insane from Earth," Mon told him.
"This is a warp vessel," the alien assumed.
"No shit," Mon nodded.
"We left Valakas three years ago," he said astounded.
"You're only a light year from Valakas which means your ship is slow as fuck," Mon remarked.
"You must know our condition by now," the alien said hopefully.
"I did detect the illness," Brainiac 5 said vaguely.
"Twelve million of us died before we left. I can only imagine how many have died since," the alien said hauntedly. "We ventured out into space to find a warp-capable species, a more advanced species. We assumed their medical science would be more advanced than ours."
"And that would be a fallacy," Imra said looking directly at Mon.
"You shut your whore mouth," Mon shot back at her.
"Doctor, my people are dying," he said to Brainiac 5. "Will you allow him to help us?" the alien asked Mon.
"I'm not even sure I will allow him to help just you," Mon said rudely and then walked over to the other side of the room with Imra. "There's this human story about a mouse. He wanted a cookie, and this kid gave him a cookie. But afterward, the mouse wanted a glass of milk. So, you see where I'm going with this."
"I really don't," Imra shook her head.
"We help this man, his whole planet is going to want help," Mon clarified.
"There's an opportunity to use their illness as leverage to conquer their species," Imra reminded him.
"I know you're playing me but you're right," Mon grinned. He then turned to Brainiac 5. "See what you can do."
After the alien had been stabilized, Brainiac 5 and Laurel had dinner together. They worked on some Coluan language skills with Laurel picking up the language quickly. "I've noticed you've been seeing Cutler a lot," Laurel said interested. "Are you two...fucking?"
"Just dating for now," Brainiac 5 replied. "As to her seriousness, that's an open question."
"Does she like spending time with you?" Laurel pressed. "Does she find excuses to squeeze your dick?"
"Occasionally," Brainiac 5 confirmed.
"You two would be a cute couple," Laurel smiled amused.
The Nemo came upon Valakas. "There's a lot of crap out there, artificial satellites," Ol reported.
"Nothing I can't avoid, Sir," Dax said confidently.
"Put us into low orbit and begin surveillance," Mon ordered. "Imra, Barney, Laurel, you're with me down to the surface."
On the surface, Mon, Imra, Brainiac 5, and Laurel met with the chief of the hospital in the capital city. "The more we treat the illness, the more resistant it becomes," the chief said.
"What is the rate of infection?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"One out of three," he replied.
"Holy shit," Mon said stunned.
"These are the ones in the most advanced stage," the chief pointed out.
"You're treating them with a synthetic antibody," Brainiac 5 determined as he rapidly downloaded the hospital's files and violated all sorts of confidentiality records.
"Yes, but the disease mutates quickly. Once it gets into the respiratory system, there's no way to control it," the chief explained. "Death usually follows in a few days."
"Captain, I can ease the symptoms of the sickest patients. I can teach them to synthesize the treatment," Brainiac 5 said to Mon.
"Knock yourself out," Mon allowed.
"I'll hand over all information we have," the chief said to Brainiac 5.
"You already have," Brainiac 5 replied and then looked upon more patients as he toured around. Laurel stayed behind and worked on her translating abilities with the patients.
Imra took Mon aside. "We should have more security with Dox in case they try to steal him and his equipment."
"I'm praying that they do," Mon said dryly.
"Our technology shouldn't be in the hands of lesser civilizations," Imra argued.
"Don't worry. Barney will self-destruct if they try to tamper with him," Mon said dismissively.
The group came around to the center of the hospital again. "I couldn't help but notice not all of you speak the same language," Laurel said frustrated.
"Of course, he is Menk, a lesser being but hard-working," the chief explained.
"So, there are two sentient species on this planet," Mon mused.
"Is that so queer?" the chief asked.
"Typically, we find that only one species of humanoids survives the mass genocide of all others," Mon said wide-eyed.
"You, two, are not from the same planet?" the chief asked confused.
"No, we may look alike but the similarity ends there," Imra said condescendingly.
"Where are the Menk patients?" Brainiac 5 asked knowingly.
"They have not contracted the disease," the chief said vaguely. "Valakian and Menk are genetically incompatible."
On the Nemo, Brainiac 5 enlisted Cutler to work with him. "So, what are the Menk like?" she asked curiously.
"How do I say this? They're...special," Brainiac 5 replied.
"How adorable," Cutler smiled.
"The cause of the disease is not viral or bacterial but genetic. That is why it is only affecting the Valakians," Brainiac 5 revealed.
"So, why are we treating them as if they have a virus or bacteria?" Cutler asked.
"To stall for time while we analyze their society for conquering," Brainiac 5 replied.
Later, Imra was in Sickbay. "That's impossible," she said adamantly.
"Oh, really? The cavity is right there," Brainiac 5 pointed out.
"I'm sure you have more pressing concerns," Imra said, attempting to escape.
"It will only take a moment," Brainiac 5 assured her.
Imra gave Brainiac 5 an apprehensive look. She didn't like the fact she couldn't telepathically determine his intentions. She went back to the medical bed and allowed Brainiac 5 to work on her mouth. "I'm curious. Aside from Kara and Mon, are you aware of any interspecies sexual relationships?" Brainiac 5 asked casually.
"Wha...thaa...feeewwk?" Imra said as Brainiac 5 corrected the cavity.
"All better," Brainiac 5 said, withdrawing his tool from her mouth.
"Are you asking out of personal interest or scientific curiosity?" Imra asked.
"Yes," Brainiac 5 replied. "I have a pet human that seems particularly drawn to me."
"In my experience, non-Titans lack the maturity for interspecies relationships. They easily find themselves infatuated with things that are new. She may be satisfying her curiosity at your expense," Imra said.
"Very pragmatic but I find that everyone works to satisfy my curiosity at their expense, not the other way around," Brainiac 5 replied.
"Be careful," Imra smirked and then left Sickbay.
Mon called Brainiac 5 into his quarters. "What's the deal with these people?"
"The disease is not viral or bacterial but genetic. The proteins that bind to their chromosomes are deteriorating. It's been going on for thousands of years, but there's been a steep decline in the last couple of generations. My projection is that the Valakians will be extinct in two centuries," Brainiac 5 said.
"And a cure?" Mon asked slightly disturbed.
"Genetic abnormalities on this level are hard to reverse," Brainiac 5 answered.
"And what about the Menk?" Mon asked.
"They may be the key to creating a cure," Brainiac 5 allowed. "I'll need to study them in more detail."
"So, the intelligent species is dying off and the retarded ones are about to take over. Neither serves the interests of the empire. Take as long as you need to find this cure," Mon ordered.
In the Menk village on the outskirts of the capital city, Brainiac 5, Laurel, and Cutler made observations. The Menk lived in primitive structures and cooked with cauldrons over a fire like Medival Europe. "Tell them I want their blood," Brainiac 5 said to Laurel.
"My friend is a vampire and wants your blood," Laurel translated.
Brainiac 5 eventually got a willing volunteer. "What you doing?" he asked confused.
"Vampire doctor wants to be inside you," Laurel told him.
"I got a big brain," the Menk said with a smile.
"I think you have a fine brain, Jack," Laurel said condescendingly.
"Food," Simple Jack offered. Simple Jack had more to say on his situation. "Valakians not let us use electrolytes to farm. Plants crave electrolytes, but Valakians keep us...mmm...mmm...happy by protect'in and hous'in us. We work for them all day, all night. Valakians good to us."
"I think they're slaves," Cutler whispered shocked and appalled.
"Let's not be too hasty," Brainiac 5 said defensively.
As the three were done working, Laurel decided to be Cutler's wing-woman by taking off to pack up. "This really doesn't bother you," Cutler remarked.
"No," Brainiac 5 replied. "Typically, in these cases, one sentient species would have driven the other to extinction."
"They force the Menk into slavery, treat them like pets," Cutler pointed out.
"And what am I to your race?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"Yes, you've conquered us and controlled our economy. You control our occupations, where we live, how we spend resources, and everything that we have. But your motives are pure. You only want the best for us and you're not self-interested like the Valakians. It wouldn't matter to you if the human race went extinct or not. You help us so you can study us and be one of us," Cutler said.
"I also do it to gain the cooperation of the queen who loves you as a people very dearly," Brainiac 5 added. "Does it upset you that I am an acting husband to millions of single mothers?"
"Why are you telling me this?" Cutler asked confused.
"I've detected signals from you that you want a romantic relationship with me. Unless I've misinterpreted the data," Brainiac 5 said to her.
"You haven't," Cutler said awkwardly.
"Then, you need to know what kind of entity I am," Brainiac 5 said seriously.
"It doesn't matter. I'm lonely on this ship and I want a fuck buddy. I know you won't disappoint me," Cutler said bluntly.
"And why should I waste time on you?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"I'll be your apprentice, your ally, whatever you need. I know your processing speed. You have a lot of downtime in your lab. You can study me if you want," Cutler offered.
"Let's just see how it goes," Brainiac 5 allowed.
On the Nemo, Mon had a meeting with Brainiac 5 at the bar. "Any progress?" Mon asked Brainiac 5.
"I have a cure, a permanent solution," Brainiac 5 said vaguely. "However, there are ethical considerations. We would be interfering with an evolutionary process that has been going on for thousands of years."
"Ethical considerations don't really concern me," Mon said bluntly. "If you do have a cure, we got the Valakians by the balls."
"The Menk show promise. They're more likely to ally with our regime," Brainiac 5 said.
"Well, I'm not waiting two centuries for the Valakians to die to make that happen," Mon said impatiently. "Nor am I willing to wait for Menk to no longer be retarded."
"The Menk will not flourish under Valakian rule. Either we segregate them or we rule over them both with the same intensity," Brainiac 5 said. "There is an argument to be made that nature should be the determining factor."
"Yeah, fuck nature. I've destroyed apex predators and dominant species like this," Mon said as he snapped his fingers. "A number of alien species looked down upon the Insane. Called us dirty apes. Now...I am one of the strongest beings in the universe."
"As a scientist, I must consider grander issues. The human race once lived side-by-side with the Neanderthals. Now, what if the Yautja decided to advance Neanderthal evolution over humans?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"I wouldn't give a damn," Mon said honestly. "Look, you're calculating this on a hunch that thousands of years from now, the Menk are no longer retarded. What if that day never comes and now the Valakians, the non-retarded race, is gone? Then what? Then, we're fucked."
"Who deserves to win in a game of genocide, the terminally ill or the retarded?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"Damn," Mon said uncertainly. "I am not prepared to walk away from this world. I will purge this world of both races if it comes down to it. I do not give a fuck."
"Someone has to. One way or another, someone has to," Brainiac 5 pressed.
The next morning, Mon went into Sickbay to talk to Brainiac 5. "I'm going down to the Valakian planetary government. Last night, I spent five minutes thinking about this. And what I have decided violates all of my Insane principles. This one time, I'm not going to play as a god. Instead, I'm going to play God," Mon decided.
"As you wish. I'll assist with the details," Brainiac 5 offered.
At the Valakian capital building, Mon negotiated with the planetary government. "I am Mon-El, Prince of all Insane from Earth. We have a cure for your genetic disease...but we're not going to give it to you," he began.
"Instead, we are going to send legions of drones to this world. They will begin construction on farms, mines, factories, and hospitals. In those hospitals, cooperative Valakians will receive the cure. The cure will be administered by drones and the information related to this cure will be tightly secured. If you hope to survive, you will do so only through us," Mon continued.
"If we develop the cure on our own or if we build warp-capable starships, we could bypass you," the Valakian hospital chief said to him.
"You will all be dead by then," Mon said confidently. "We will also begin construction of planetary defenses to keep any non-Imperial ship from coming or going."
"Well...fuck us," the Valakian chief said dismayed.
"Additionally, the Menk and the Valakians are to be segregated on this world. As far as I am concerned, you're both equally worthless taking up space on my world," Mon said arrogantly.
"When we are all cured, we will rebel," the chief said angrily.
"By then, my drones will be entrenched on your planet to the point where any rebellion would be futile," Brainiac 5 replied. "This proposal by Prince Mon will save millions of lives, end the slavery of the Menk, and promote Imperial interests."
With no choice in the matter, the Valakians signed a treaty with the Galactic Federation. Soon thereafter, carmanor-class ships arrived with drones. They settled all over the planet and began construction work on buildings and defenses. Artemis and Apollo fighters landed on new airstrips with the task of hunting down any Valakian vessels attempting to leave the planet or alien vessels attempting to land.
Mon and Brainiac 5 oversaw the ships arrival and the new construction. "I had thought you incapable of making proper decisions on your own. I came very close to misjudging you, Mon, but this incident has given me a new respect for you."
"You can take that condescending attitude of yours, Barney, and shove it up your ass," Mon told him off. "We're leaving for a new world to show Insane mercy to."
Author's Notes: So...the Enterprise crew had the cure but they let millions of people die to keep the Prime Directive without consulting Starfleet Command, BTW. The interesting point about the Prime Directive is that it doesn't seem to apply to warp-capable species. The Federation will lend a hand to former enemies so long as they're warp-capable. In Star Trek, I often ask myself what the British Empire would do in the same situation.