Washington-3017
In those days, Kara restarted American Football with the Global Football League (GFL). Kara made a speech to the press on the establishment of the GFL and how it would be structured. She ended the speech with a note on her sports hero.
"Tom Brady is an American hero, the greatest NFL player of all time, the quarterback of the greatest team in the NFL, the Patriots. From 2001 to 2017, he led the Patriots to five Super Bowl wins and four Super Bowl MVP wins. For Tom Brady, it wasn't about the money or personal glory. It was always about the fans. That is why Tom Brady never left the Patriots for a change of scenery or for more money. He was loyal to those who loved and supported him. Furthermore, his wife, Gisele Bündchen, remained loyal at her husband's side from beginning to end. She was willing to sacrifice for her husband's career and the fans," Kara said.
"But not all NFL players had the same integrity as Tom Brady and his wife. Many left their fans behind for more money and personal glory," Kara frowned. "Fuck those guys."
"Today, the GFL is here for the fans, not the owners, the managers, or the players. In the past, players would make one thousand times the income of the average American and ten thousand times the average income of a global citizen. Despite this obscene amount of wealth, it was never enough for these people. Therefore, I am commissioning players with modest officer pay grades according to their skillset and leadership potential," Kara said.
A player in a full football uniform came before Kara on the stage. "I am proud to commission as a colonel the first GFL player, Joe Thighman, quarterback of the Washington Redskins." Kara then placed the colonel's rank on his chest.
"Your Majesty, is a redskin a Native American or a potato?" Joe asked confused.
"Yes," Kara told him.
Shortly thereafter, Kara enjoyed the first-ever GFL game between the Washington Redskins and the Dutch Giants. QB Joe Theighman tried to pull a fast one by tossing the ball to his receiver only for the receiver to pass the ball back to him. The defense was not fooled, and they tackled Joe's ass in a giant pile. Kara winced as Joe was totally crushed. He was taken off the field on a stretcher and raced to a hospital.
"Well...shit," Kara sighed.
Present Day
Kara made it her business to recruit players for the Met U football program, a gateway to the GFL. In this particular case, she brought up the case file of "Big Mike." Brainiac 5 was dean and administrative supervisor of all Metropolis schools. "He's the real deal," Kara said to Brainiac 5.
"I see no reason to believe he would be successful here. None whatsoever," Brainiac 5 shot down.
"Oh, come on. How bad could it be?" Kara asked dismissively.
"His age is uncertain due to a lack of records, his IQ is eighty which is in the lower sixth percentile, and his grade point average starts with a zero," Brainiac 5 discounted.
"Well...zero point what?" Kara asked stubbornly.
"It's zero point six," Brainiac 5 clarified.
"He's a brave kid for wanting to come here," Kara said misleadingly. "For wanting a quality education. An education denied to him by the poor quality of schools he attended."
"Those schools have been staffed with drone teachers for the last few years. Also, the public education system prior to our takeover was also relatively decent," Brainiac 5 said.
"You know, most kids like him wouldn't even come within two hundred miles of a place like this," Kara said defensively.
"He currently resides within two hundred miles of the school, and he's never stepped foot on the campus," Brainiac 5 corrected. "He wouldn't even be allowed to play sports until he got his grades up."
"This isn't about sports," Kara lied. "Look, are we not a Christian planet now? Are not all public schools including this one based on Christian values of love and charity toward all? Is it not true that we have crosses in every classroom, prayer in schools, and priests teaching classes?" Kara asked rhetorically. "I mean, we ought to take that seriously or admit to ourselves we're just godless atheist communists. We don't admit Big Mike just because of sports. We do it because it's the right thing to do."
Due to Kara's influence, Big Mike was admitted to Metropolis High. He wandered into a classroom with his shoes untied and was given a test to see how much he knew about science. In the end, he only filled in his name as Bij Mic instead of his actual name. He was also the last to finish. Brainiac 5 had to remind him to take his book with him.
Big Mike was afforded E-1 housing but he would often get lost around Metropolis and would crash at random peoples' apartments that would let him in. Whoever gave him a room for the night was given "charity points" for their hospitality.
One night, Kara, Mon, and Kon watched a volleyball game to watch Mara play with her human classmates. She had a Kryptonite bracelet on her wrist to keep her abilities relatively the same as the other humans around her. "What did I miss?" Kara asked as she took her seat in the bleachers.
"It's volleyball, Mom. You didn't miss anything," Kon said dismissively.
"Be more supportive of your sister," Kara scolded.
Mara went for the ball and fell on her face. "Mara, move your feet," Kara yelled. Mara rolled her eyes and continued to play. After the game, Kon was about to follow Mara to the girls' locker room again. "Kon, get back here. Do not go into the girls' locker room again," Kara yelled at him.
Mon couldn't help but notice Big Mike was collecting all the popcorn bags in the bleachers presumably because he was hungry despite having universal food quotas. "What the fuck?" Mon mouthed.
Kara and Brainiac 5 had a meeting on Big Mike's progress. "He's not cutting it in my class. It's not fair to me or to the boy. You're just setting him up to fail. I don't think he has any idea what I'm teaching him. He won't even talk," Brainiac 5 said.
"He writes," Kara said defensively.
"His name...barely," Brainiac 5 replied.
"Well, I found this in the trash can," Kara said and then proceeded to read a beautifully written poem.
"You wrote that," Brainiac 5 said obviously.
"What? No," Kara denied.
Later that day, Big Mike wandered about a kid's playground giving off pedo vibes. Kon immediately went over to him. "Smile at them. It makes them think you're their friend. It's disarming," Kon smiled at him. "I'm Kon-El, Crown Prince of this world and soon, a million other worlds."
"Kon, move it," Kara ordered. Kon entered Kara's car and immediately put his feet on her dash. "The fuck you doing on my dash," Kara scolded.
Big Mike proceeded to take the bus, and then go to the laundry mat. He placed his dirty clothes in someone else's laundry machine like a total asshole despite having a quota to do it, himself. However, he lost his ID card authorizing all of his purchases.
At Metropolis High, Kara continued to make the case for Big Mike to Brainiac 5. "I gave him this practice test, orally, and he got a C. He knows shit. He's able to listen to me," Kara said.
"I have no way of verifying the authenticity of this test and it's irrelevant. His reading level is very low, and he has no idea how to learn in a classroom environment. There is no way he will pass at this point," Brainiac 5 said.
"Look, Big Mike isn't stupid," Kara insisted.
"All evidence to the contrary," Brainiac 5 replied.
One night, Kara and Mon watched Kon do a tasteful play about Pilgrims and Indians. Kon was in an Indian costume as a chief with a headdress of feathers that was completely inaccurate to the location and time period of the event. His physical appearance and alien heritage could also suggest radical appropriation misuse. "There was a girl two rows back. What was her name?" Mon questioned Kon.
"Kinsey," Kon identified.
"I saw your little feathers get ruffled up over her," Mon smirked.
"Yeah, she's hawt," Kon agreed.
"How very inappropriate, stop it," Kara ordered.
Kara, Mon, and Kon entered the car to go home. "Don't let this get to your head, but you looked very convincing as a Native American," Kara lied to Kon.
"They made me the chief because I'm a prince," Kon said arrogantly.
"The acorn certainly didn't fall far from the tree," Kara eyed Mon.
"I'm not apologizing," Mon scoffed.
The three then encountered Big Mike walking aimlessly in the cold rain in only a t-shirt and shirts. "What the fuck?" Kara wondered.
"Hey, Big Mike, where the fuck are you going?" Mon asked him.
"Gym," he said softly.
"Well, carry on," Mon said dismissively.
"No, fuck that. Stop the car. He's the player I'm trying to mentor," Kara said.
"Fuck me," Mon rolled his eyes and stopped the car.
Kara got out and confronted Big Mike. "The gym? Really? The school gym is closed. Why were you going to the gym anyway?"
"Because it's warm," Big Mike said lamely.
"You have a place to stay?" Kara asked. "Don't lie to me. You lie to me, you're fucked."
Big Mike shook his head. "I've seen that look on her face many times. Prepare for another stray," Mon said to Kon, still in the car.
"Come on," Kara ordered Big Mike into her car. "Kon, make room."
Kara, Mon, and Kon took Big Mike to their palace in Metropolis. Big Mike eyed the palace in awe. Inside, Mara was watching TV, not being supportive of Kon's play. She also noticed Big Mike was visiting. "Mara, you know Big Mike?" Kara asked her.
"No," Mara shook her head.
There was an awkward silence between them all. "Well, okay then," Kara broke the tension. "I have dozens of guest rooms but they're all a mess for various reasons," Kara lied to Big Mike. "So, you'll sleep on this couch."
"I'll be upstairs on the third floor if you need me," Kara said to him and then left.
Big Mike looked around apprehensively. As luxurious as the house was, the occupants were lethal as fuck superheroes.
In the bedroom, Kara was unsure of herself. "Was this a bad idea?" Kara asked him.
"What?" Mon asked, playing dumb.
"Don't be an ass. You know, Big Mike staying with us," Kara clarified.
"I hope and pray he attacks us, so I can whip his ass," Mon said hopefully.
"You don't think he'll steal anything, do you?" Kara asked concernedly.
"Who gives a damn? It can easily be replaced. The whole planet's resources are at your disposal," Mon pointed out.
The next morning, Big Mike didn't attack anyone, or steal anything. In fact, he folded all of the sheets and blankets and took off. Kara used her X-ray vision and falcon vision to spot him leaving the palace. She quickly caught up with him. "Where the fuck you going?" Kara demanded of him.
"I don't know," Big Mike admitted.
"Look, you don't have a family, alright. Your father is dead, and your mother is a crack whore. So, this Easter, we're your family. As such, you get your fat ass back into my fancy palace so my servants can cook you a good meal," Kara ordered.
"Okay," Big Mike said submissively.
Inside the palace, servants rushed to get food prepared and on the table. Once they were done, the table was full of food. The Insane members of the family immediately attacked it like savages and then went back to the baseball game. "Everyone, sit at the table," Kara ordered and put the game on pause. Big Mike awkwardly came to the table as the Super Insane family sat down together.
"Shall we say grace?" Kara asked rhetorically.
"Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. And as I gave you the green plants, I give you everything," Mon recited Genesis.
"Alright, I'll take it," Kara rolled her eyes.
The Insane members began to tear into the food with their fingers. "Use a fork, God damn," Kara scolded her kids. "Kon, elbows off the table, what the fuck?" Kara then turned to Big Mike. "So, Big Mike, you like to shop?"
Big Mike gave her a blank look. "He has no quota or currency," Mara said obviously.
"Let me finish," Kara snapped at her. "Tomorrow, I'm going to have to teach you how it's done," she said to Big Mike.
"On an O-12 quota salary," Mon scoffed.
The next day, Kara took Big Mike to go shopping in her expensive car. "I have clothes," Big Mike said lamely.
"You had clothes. The clothes you're wearing are going to be put in the trash and lit on fire," Kara told him. "When I'm done with you, you're going to look like a pimp."
"I have clothes," Big Mike repeated himself.
"Look, we can do this shopping spree the easy way or the hard way. Between you and me, I prefer it hard," Kara told him off. Big Mike was silent to that. "Alright, Big Mike, tell me one thing about yourself. One God damn thing."
"I don't like to be called Big Mike," he admitted.
"Well, that's tough shit because I've come to find it endearing," Kara rebuked.
With Big Mike being difficult, Kara decided she was going to drive him back to where he supposedly lived...in the hood. Big Mike went back to his apartment only to find it locked with his ass evicted. Big Mike then hid around a corner embarrassed and without hope. Finally, he went back to Kara who was still waiting for him. He also couldn't help but notice several hoodlums on the floor beaten to a pulp. Big Mike went back inside the car where Kara was waiting for him.
"I get insider information on anyone I want. I know you've been evicted. Now, if you want to live in a nicer place, you're going to follow my orders," Kara told him.
Kara and Big Mike went shopping for some new clothes. "You know why I'm walking with you in the hood? You're a hoodlum magnet. People come at us to mess with you, then I kick their ass. That's how I take care of people," Kara said to him.
Inside the store, Kara greeted the store owner. "We also have apparel for the ladies," he said to her.
"Do I look poor?" Kara shut down.
"Everything that is going to fit his fat ass is right here," the store owner informed her.
"Go ahead and pick and choose what you like. You like this pink shirt that makes you look like a fruit?" Kara asked Big Mike. He simply shook his head. "You're going to need a Hawaiin T-shirt for casual Fridays for the job you'll never get."
Big Mike finally picked out a yellow and red stripped sweater that was ugly as fuck. "Really? You like that? The fuck is wrong with you?" Kara asked him. "I'm going to buy the whole stock for you anyway."
Kara then drove Big Mike to his highschool. "Read, learn something," Kara said to him as he walked off still wearing the ugly as fuck sweater. After class, Kara drove Big Mike back to her palace. This time, Big Mike was in a green and blue stripped sweater that was also ugly as fuck. "Big Mike, do you want to stay here?" she asked him. He simply stared at her. "I'm sorry, that was a rhetorical question. You're my prisoner now. You can't leave. I own your ass."
"I would give you one of my bedrooms but...I don't want to," Kara said awkwardly. "Damn, after you leave, I'm going to have to burn this couch."
"Thank you, Your Majesty," Big Mike said appreciatively.
The next day, Kara and Brainiac 5 had a meeting about Big Mike at Metropolis High. "As his owner, all of his emergency contacts are me," Kara said.
"Might as well since all other known family numbers are not in service," Brainiac 5 allowed. "His file in eighth grade indicates he's in the lower third for spatial relations and in the lower fifth in the ability to learn."
"Not...too...bad," Kara said as she read the report.
"His scores have gone down steadily ever since," Brainiac 5 clarified. "The only area where he scored in the upper 98 percentile is in protective instincts."
"Sounds like the greatest offensive lineman to ever live," Kara said seriously.
Meanwhile, Big Mike was working with a tutor at his highschool. "Alright, Big Mike. If the membrane has really small holes for water molecules to pass through, which molecules are going to pass through the membrane quicker: the big molecules or the small molecules?" the tutor asked.
"The...big ones," Big Mike smiled.
"No, that's wrong," the tutor said disappointedly.
"Really?" Big Mike asked confused. "I don't understand."
"Alright, where did the Battle of Waterloo take place?"
"Germany," Big Mike said confidently.
"No, fuck my life," the tutor realized.
The night, the Super Insane family drove around Metropolis in their expensive car. "You see all those restaurants? We own them all," Kon said arrogantly.
"All of them?" Big Mike wondered.
"We own the whole planet," Mara corrected.
"You eat at these places for free?" Big Mike asked.
"Our quota is so high it might as well be free," Kon said.
"What happens to the food that isn't sold?" Big Mike asked.
"Refrozen and given to E-1 people or animals," Kara answered. "Sometimes, it's just thrown away."
"Why don't you eat at one of those restaurants tonight?" Big Mike asked.
"Those restaurants are for junior enlisted. We're the highest of the high and this is a special occasion," Kara said. "Big Mike's grades have improved to the point that he can now practice with the team."
"Nice, you're going to crush some people," Kon said excitedly.
Kara and Mon stopped by an expensive restaurant, demanded to be given a table despite no reservation, and then kept the restaurant waiting as they went shopping at a bookstore like total assholes. There, Kon and Mara attempted to teach Big Mike how to read. Finally, the Super Insane family did come back to restaurant with a table ready for them. Big Mike gave the male waiter a big bro hug as he saw him.
On the drive back home, Kara asked Big Mike some questions about the waiter. "How do you know that boy? Is he your boyfriend or something?" Kara asked.
"He's my brother," Big Mike clarified.
"When was the last time you saw him?" Kara asked.
"When I was little, maybe," Big Mike recalled.
"This isn't coincidence. I tracked him down so you could have a reunion with him. I know everything, Big Mike," Kara explained.
Back at the palace, Kara read a story about a bull to Big Mike, Kon, and Mara. "The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rain, and once upon a time, there was a young bull named Ferdinand. All the other bulls he lived with would jump and run and headbutt their heads together but not Ferdinand. He liked to be all by himself and smell the flowers. He would sit in the shade of a tree and smell the flowers all day," Kara read.
"Is it because he was a queer?!" Kon shouted.
"Kon...stop ruining the ending. You do this every God damn time," Kara scolded.
That night, Kara and Mon had a talk about Big Mike in their bedroom. "I'm just really happy."
"About what?" Mon asked, playing dumb.
"Big Mike," Kara said obviously.
"We're not going to have a threesome," Mon shot down.
"It's not like that. He reminds me of when I used to have a dog. A big slobbery dog," Kara smiled.
As if to nail that point home, Kara organized a family photo. First, she had a photo with just the Super Insane family. Then, she invited Big Mike into the photo. "Really?" Mon asked incredulously.
Big Mike was in a blue stripped ugly as fuck sweater this time. "Okay, Big Mike, I want you in the center in front of us. Yeah, like that. Get in a football stance and then put your butt down," Kara instructed. "Now, keep your eyes wide open and stick out your tongue. Perfect."
That night, Kara had a chat with Mara in her room. "Be honest with me, does Big Mike being here make you uncomfortable?"
"Yeah," she said obviously.
"Why?" Kara challenged.
"He should be placed in E-1 housing like all the other low-IQ humans or assign him to a job he can actually do," Mara said.
"He can be an offensive lineman for the GFL. I know he can," Kara said adamantly.
"There's more to sports than individual ability. A teammate at that level has to have the confidence and respect of his team or the whole team suffers. I could play for the GFL with my powers. I could throw the ball across the field, shrug off any tackle, run faster than any receiver, or simply force a touchdown every single play. But I would never earn the respect of my team, because I haven't earned it. I haven't earned the college degree, gone to training camp, worked out in the gym with my team, or gone over plays that don't even affect my position. Big Mike may be a superman, but he hasn't earned a place in the GFL," Mara argued.
"I can make him earn it," Kara said confidently.
"Well, good luck with that," Mara said skeptically.
At training camp with the Met U Sharks, Big Mike would hold onto players and then throw them back against the stated rules. Kara and Mon observed his training on the sidelines. "He's not really getting the hang of it yet," Mon reported.
Big Mike appeared to suck at every position except offensive line. At one point, he ended up staring up at the sky at some floating balloons. "What the fuck?" Mon shook his head. "You'd think someone of his background couldn't wait to be violent, but we have a gentle giant here."
"He's Ferdinand the Bull," Kara recalled.
"You mean the queer bull," Mon brought up.
"He's never played before," Kara said defensively.
"Yeah, this isn't going to work. It's a lost cause," Mon told her.
"Who died and made you queen?" Kara told him off. "Unbelievable!" she shouted as she stormed off.
Kon, for his part, got along well with Big Mike, totally smoking him in a workout routine. Mon watched as Kon had the time of his life forcing Big Mike to do an array of different exercises and football drills. While it was nothing to Kon, Big Mike was getting completely exhausted. Mon smirked amused at Kon's new pet.
At the palace, Big Mike awkwardly made a request. "What do you want?" Kara asked impatiently.
"Could you help me get a driver's license?" Big Mike asked lamely.
"You don't even own a car. Why would you need one?" Kara shot down.
"Just something to carry around that has my name on it," he shrugged.
"It's called your common access card that has your name, picture, and rank," Kara reminded him. "It's what allows you to purchase things and access your benefits."
"I lost it," Big Mike said sheepishly.
"Well...shit," Kara sighed.
With Brainiac 5's assistance, Kara tracked down Big Mike's mother in the hood. She was wearing casual clothes but as the only blond, white woman on the planet, it was obvious who she was. She came up to the door and scanned the E-1 apartment for the occupant. Kara rang the door and waited for Big Mike's mother, Denise, to open.
"You, from the state?" she asked fearfully.
"No...wait...sort of...," Kara said awkwardly. "Kara Zor of House El, First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Empress of the Terran Sector, Queen of Earth, Defender of the Faith, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Continents, Breaker of Chains, and foster mother to your son."
Denise gave Kara a spooked look but let her inside. "How's my boy? How's Big Mike?"
"He's...fine," Kara winced.
"I have some wine in the kitchen...," Denise offered.
"Yeah, I think I'm going to need it," Kara nodded. "When was the last time you saw Big Mike?"
"I don't know," she said sheepishly. "You feed him and buy him clothes?"
"Only when I find something in his size...you know...because he's a fat ass. There's something I wanted to ask you. How does it feel to be portrayed as a crack whore, that abandoned her children, to millions across the world?" Kara asked.
"Kind of shitty," Denise said honestly. "But it's worth it if it presents Big Mike's story to the world."
"Yeah, well, it's my story. The story is about me being the white savior...again. I'll be the one with the Oscar," Kara corrected.
"You are a fine Christian lady," Denise complimented.
"I know," Kara agreed.
"Don't be surprised if he runs off on you. After the state took him from me, he ran off. Every foster home they've sent him to, he would sneak off and go looking for me. No matter where I was, he'd find me to take care of me. I've had some health problems from...smoking crack and meth," Denise explained.
"Where's the father?" Kara asked.
"He left a week after Big Mike was born," Denise said sadly.
"Well, I'll find him and beat his ass," Kara assured her.
Denise began to cry realizing how fucked up she was. Kara went over to her and sat down next to her on her crummy couch. "When I came to this time, I thought my life was over. I had lost my parents, my sister, all my friends. I had to start over. When I came to this world, the same deal. It's never too late to start over," Kara said to her.
"Will I ever get my kids back?" Denise asked hopefully.
"Probably, maybe, I don't know. I'm going to put special attention on your rehabilitation, and I'm going to put you up in the big house," Kara promised.
Soon thereafter, Big Mike was brought in for a meeting with the Super Insane family at the palace. "Big Mike, how do you feel about a conservatorship?" Kara asked.
"A what?" Big Mike wondered.
"It's a legal document that makes you a part of our family," Kara said.
"I kind of thought I already was," Big Mike said confused.
"Well, this makes it official and legally binding. It means I make virtually all decisions about your welfare for you. In a way, I have a conservatorship on the entire human population, but this will be special," Kara said.
"Sure," Big Mike said ignorantly.
"Well, okay then," Kara said pleased.
Big Mike progressively got his act together as he got a driver's license, a new truck. Kon was "assigned" to Big Mike on a regular basis. Kon would teach Big Mike football plays and have him drive around in his new truck. Immediately, the two wrecked the truck.
Kara was in a meeting with world leaders when she got the news. "The border has been altered, deal with it," she said to some Arab leaders. She then got the news about her truck. "God damn it," she sighed.
Kara sped over to the accident which was swarming with Brainiac 5 drones due to it being so high-profile. "My truck," she said freaked as she saw it totally it destroyed. She then noticed Big Mike sitting on the street slightly injured. "I'm so sorry, so sorry," he said repeatedly.
"Kon?" Kara called for him.
"That was wicked," Kon smiled. "Do you think the blood will come out of my shirt?" he asked.
"Is that your blood?" Kara asked concernedly.
"No... obviously," Kon smirked.
Kara went over to Big Mike who was busy blaming himself for the accident. "Kon is fine. He's a Super Insane. He's actually enjoying all the attention he's getting like a total narcissist. Insurance says it's not your fault and that's all that matters. I mean, it could have happened to anyone...well...except me. I'm an awesome driver. I could have totally stopped in time or swerved out of the way."
Kara noticed her words weren't helping. "Big Mike, look at me, my family is a pack of superheroes. We can't be hurt by this petty stuff, and we're rich as fuck. This is nothing," she assured him. "Holy shit, what happened to your arm."
"I stopped it," he said lamely.
"Big Mike, I need you healthy so you can play," Kara said alarmed.
Kara got Big Mike all fixed up and ready to play on the practice field. Big Mike wasn't doing so well as he was either missing blocks or making penalties. Kara finally intervened interrupting practice. "Alright, I'm QB now," Kara announced as she took the field. "Big Mike, I am your family now. You have my back. Are you going to let any of these assholes sack me?"
"No," Big Mike shook his head.
"Good boy," Kara said pleased.
This time, Big Mike was highly motivated to keep anyone from getting to Kara. "Hike," Kara yelled and then stood there in the pocket. Big Mike tackled and took down anyone trying to get to Kara like a boss. Kara simply stood there without fear as defenders occasionally got near her or took hold of her. Play after play, Big Mike wrecked the defense to protect Kara.
Kara then changed position from QB to RB. Once the QB gave her the ball, Kara casually walked the field while defenders tried to get to her. Big Mike blasted the defenders from getting to her as she walked the field.
Kara continued to tutor Big Mike as much as it was possible. She came before Brainiac 5 to do some old-fashion grade manipulation. "What's your deal, Barney? I need him to get a B in this class so that he can play football for Met U."
"I'm not going to give him a grade he doesn't deserve," Brainiac 5 said flatly.
"What does he need to do to earn a B?" Kara asked.
"He needs an A in the final essay. It's worth a third of his grade," Brainiac 5 said.
"One essay is a third of one's grade? You have to be shitting me!" Kara exploded on him.
"It's his only chance," Brainiac 5 said seriously.
At the end of summer school, Big Mike finally graduated with a 2.52 GPA by getting an A on his final essay. Kara also hacked into Brainiac 5's computer. Brainiac 5 was aware of Kara's feeble attempt to undermine him but figured he would let this controversy go in pursuit of keeping Kara happy. "He did it, Mon. He did it," Kara said to him as they sat in the front row.
"Yeah, bullshit," Mon doubted.
Big Mike finally graduated high school and was now eligible to go to a university of his choosing, or rather Kara's choosing. Several universities tried to get a hold of Michael to offer their program which Kara turned down. Kara would have Big Mike at Met U or nothing.
As a result, Big Mike was hauled into Brainiac 5's office at Met U for some questioning. Michael was placed in an interrogation room with one main Brainiac 5 drone, and two others simply staring at him while wearing sunglasses. Big Mike looked around nervously at them. A fat folder was suddenly dropped on the table.
"We have ways of extracting information from people, but I think you want to cooperate with us and do the right thing. Now, your legal guardian is Kara Zor-El?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"Yes," Big Mike nodded.
"And she went to Met U where she graduated with a degree in journalism. As I recall, she also considered becoming Met U's first female kicker but turned the offer down," Brainiac 5 said.
"Okay," Big Mike shrugged.
"Have you been recruited by other universities?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"I don't know. I can't figure out how to use a phone," Big Mike admitted.
"What do your legal guardians think about other universities like Alabama State?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"Oh, she hates them," Big Mike said.
"Your tutor is also a Met U grad as well," Brainiac 5 brought up.
"Sure," Big Mike shrugged.
"Are you aware that your legal guardians support Met U more than any other university on the planet? And that your legal guardians have properties in Metropolis so they can attend as many sporting events as possible? One might even call them...boosters," Brainiac 5 said accusingly.
"So?" Big Mike wondered.
"Do you know why you're here?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"To investigate," Big Mike assumed.
"I'm here to investigate your predicament. Do you find your predicament...queer?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"I don't know," Big Mike said cluelessly.
"What I need from you are facts, the truth. You see, our concern is that with your recruitment, a door might be open for boosters to legally adopt athletes and funnel them to their alma maters. It seems likely at this point that your legal guardians took you in, clothed you, fed you, paid for your private education, got you a car, all so that you would play for Met U," Brainiac 5 said.
"Okay," Big Mike said blankly.
"What do you think about that?" Brainiac 5 pressed.
"Think about what?" Big Mike asked confused.
After being released, Big Mike questioned Kara on the matter. "Did you help me because you wanted me to go to Met U?"
"Of course," Kara said obviously. "I love Met U and so should you."
"Why did you do this for me? Was it for you or was it for me?" Big Mike asked, totally distressed.
"How about both," Kara said befuddled.
"Was this all about what you wanted, go to the school where you wanted?" Big Mike asked.
"Well...no shit," Kara said.
"I'm not stupid," Big Mike said lamely.
"Then, stop acting stupid and listen to me," Kara told him off. "I own this planet; the entire human race is under my thumb. Everyone, not just you. And I order everyone around to do my bidding. You're no different than everyone else around you," she said as she pointed to random humans walking around them. "Now, I took you off the streets, gave you a nice home, got you through school, and I am going to make you a Met U college football star and then you're going to be on my New England Patriots team. You signed the conservatorship form. I own your ass."
"Not cool," Big Mike said and walked off disgruntled.
At the palace, Kara was unsettled. "I don't know why you're all bothered about your runaway slave," Mon said insensitively.
"In return for giving him a place to stay, clothes, food, and school, he works for me, and he can't leave my service. That's not slavery," Kara objected.
"It sure sounds like it," Mon scoffed.
"Well...maybe slavery works after all," Kara said thoughtfully as she looked out the window.
"That doesn't sound like you. Sounds more like me," Mon said concernedly.
"I have ten billion drones at my disposal on this world all working for me. I have two hundred million humans working for me, assigned to jobs, assigned to cities, assigned to whatever rank I give them," Kara said thoughtfully.
"They can opt out," Mon pointed out. "And you still give them shit."
"Yes, they can opt out and get minimum rations they can't barter for currency. Mon, I think I might be a... dictator," Kara said stunned.
"You, figuring this out now?" Mon asked incredulously.
"Am I a good person?" Kara asked finally.
"Oh...fuck," Mon said as he looked around for help.
"Not rhetorical. You better have an answer, asshole," Kara demanded.
"Everything you do, you do for one person and that person obviously isn't me," Mon said rolling his eyes.
"But why?" Kara wondered.
"I think you get a sick satisfaction of doing the inverse of what Alex would do but making the world a better place anyway. This is your way of proving her ideas wrong, the competition between siblings never ending. And if you give up on this world, she's won," Mon said.
"What if he never comes back?" Kara asked sadly.
"Then...we get a new one," Mon assured her.
The next morning, Kara drove into the hood to interrogate some fools as to where Big Mike was. "I'm looking for Big Mike. Where is he?" Kara demanded of some hoodlums.
"He gone, snowflake, but I'll be seeing him around. You tell him to sleep with one eye open. You hear me, bitch?" the hoodlum leader said.
Kara noticed the hoodlum leader had an injured face from a scuffle last night. She suddenly grabbed him by the throat and picked him off the ground. He fired his pistol into her torso without effect. "Listen here, bitch. You mess with my...prospect, you die. So, where the fuck is he?"
"Laundry mat," he gasped.
Kara let him go and then walked off in a huff.
At the laundry mat, Big Mike was on a curb all by himself. Kara drove up to him and sat down with him. "You think the police are going to be after me?" he asked fearfully.
"I'll take care of it," Kara assured him. "Big Mike, how do you deal with traumatic events."
"When I was little, my mother would tell me to put my hands over my eyes, my ears, or my mouth depending on what was happening," Big Mike recalled.
"Damn," Kara said amazed. "Look, Big Mike, I need to know whether you actually like football."
"I'm pretty good at it," Big Mike deflected.
"Look, I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I think you should go to Met U," Kara said finally.
There was a long awkward silence between them. "So... it's still your decision over my life?" Big Mike realized.
"I am the master, and you are the apprentice. Being the apprentice of the queen has its perks," Kara assured him.
Later that year, the Super Insane family went to a Met U college football game. Big Mike was initially terrible as the QB was getting sacked a few times and RBs were getting blocked up. However, as the game progressed, Big Mike wrecked the opposing defensive line and allowed his team to get a touchdown virtually every first down. From there, Big Mike became a star.
Author's Notes: Due to the recent controversy, I think a sequel is in order maybe later down the road. Kara's knowledge of Tom Brady is up to 2017 when she came to the future. Probably would be shocked and appalled by what happened to him and the Patriots. Also, the Redskins' name change would have occurred after Kara had left as well. I hope this episode raises thought provoking questions about being charitable while also being corrupt as fuck.