The moment was too absurd for words.
She didn't understand any of this at all. He did not seem to be ill at all. In fact, he appeared to be healthier than ever.
"I don't understand" she finally said.
"Genevieve wrote to me that you were seriously ill".
"She didn't. I did" said a man which she assumed was the oldest of the family, Benedict had talked about him and described him once, when she had once asked how the rest of his siblings looked like.
"You? Why?" he asked, furiously blinking in confusion.
"Because I wanted to know if she would come and she did, as we can all see."
"That just doesn't make any sense.. but if I understand correctly you pretended to be Genevieve and wrote to Alina apologising that I was seriously ill... well that's bloody awful, Anthony!" Benedict reprimanded.
Anthony had arranged everything down to the tickets, hotel accommodation, everything and calculated in advance roughly when she would arrive. Luck would have it that Benedict had an extension built into his house, an extra room to work on his art. Other overdue maintenance also needed to be done, the whole house repainted and as a result Benedict had chosen to stay in his parents' house. Every Sunday all the Bridgerton's gathered for a communal breakfast, sans Francesca who was staying in Scotland and at that very moment Alina had entered, earlier than he had expected he had to admit but she had arrived and that was all he had to know.
An awkward silence could be experienced in the room.
"Colin was in it too" Antony exclaimed, a tad weakly for his usual habit.
"Hey, it was your idea! Not mine, don't make me out to be the bad guy", Colin countered.
"So, you're not... sick? Or dying?" asked Alina hesitantly now feeling fiery red with embarrassment.
"No, I am perfectly healthy, Alina", Benedict answered with in his eyes a compassionate gaze to be seen.
It had been a ruse and she had fallen into it with her eyes open, she now realised.
"I.. I shouldn't have come, I am sorry for intruding" she said as her eyes swept over the table of people and turned around, wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible.
"One of you better tell me what is happening or so help me, God, I'll slap you on the spot", she heard a female voice exclaim as Alina walked away.
"Eloise Bridgerton!" reprimanded Violet.
"It's Eloise Crane, now, mother" said Eloise with what seemed, much pleasure and a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
Arriving at the hall, he saw that she was talking to the butler and probably waiting with her son. She wanted to leave, that was obvious, he hurriedly walked downstairs and towards her.
"Can we talk? Please? Just for a moment, I'll send you on your way if you want to still leave but just... you must be exhausted after such a long journey. Let's just sit somewhere and talk".
"I shouldn't be here".
"But you are now", he said in a voice that broke, "you are now, so while you're here, let's talk okay?".
She nodded, to his reassurance, after what he assumed was a moment of hesitation and he led her to the drawing room. She stepped in and saw a cozy-looking room, tastefully decorated while exuding something genial.
"Have a seat and he pointed to a pastel pink sofa.
He sat down opposite from her... and looked at her, the poor soul looked mortified.
"I've never been so embarrassed" she said after a moment of complete silence.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know anything about this, I really didn't", Benedict quickly stated.
"It's terrible what your brother did, highly inappropriate" she added.
"I agree" he said but he could not suppress the smile that followed. Oh, he was going to kick Anthony's bollocks for this, he was but first his older brother would get a hearty hug. Because this was the sweetest, kindest thing Anthony had ever done for him.
"You think this is funny don't you?", she accused, seemingly disgruntled.
"I don't at all but if you want me to say I am not happy to see you, I would be lying".
She looked at him for a moment for turning her head away again..
"Listen, Alina, what Anthony did was awful, and rest assured I will have a stern conversation with him since once again he can't resist interfering in the lives of his siblings. That being said I think he means well. The past few months, he must have noticed that I " and Benedict sighed was not feeling so great. I suppose he wanted to help in his own way".
"Why... didn't you feel. I mean-" she began but she could also guess the answer herself.
"It's obvious why. I've had to leave you before but that day in Dublin was the worst time. It broke my heart" he added. She didn't look up at him but at her patch and began fidgeting with her fingers out of nervousness.
"Why did you come?" he asked after another pause in conversation had occurred.
"I... was under the impression that you were dying," she said softly.
"And you were worried?".
"I was, worried yes".
"And is that because you love me?" Benedict asked matter-of-factly but she didn't reply to his annoyance.
"Never mind, don't answer that. I'm not going to beat around the bush because I just want to know", he paused for a second "Where here go from here?".
The question shook her up, that was clear to see, maybe she didn't expect him to ask her directly but tough luck, Benedict thought, they had eluded each other long enough now, circling each other but never meeting in the middle. Too much time had been lost and he didn't want to lose another second.
"I'll go back, and we can forget about today".
"I can't believe you. Are you actually serious?. "So, you want to tell me that even though you came all the way here to London for me, that you want to go back to pretending that I don't exist again, that we don't exist. I can't with you, Alina. I..." and he sighed deeply in aggravation.
He decided there and then that he had had enough. Maybe it was his fault, maybe he should have already given up on attempt four, maybe he had just been too stubborn to see that she just didn't want it, to be with him. And that he was pressing the matter, needlessly, because how else could he explain that she, still rejected him? Still after he found her actions CLEARLY indicated that she cared for him. But maybe it was just that, she cared for him, but that was all... This was hurting him too much, being here in this room was hurting him too much, being flooded with memories, the majority of which were now painful memories, he couldn't take it anymore and he decided to let go, to let her go.
He stood up, but did not stare at her, not initially.
"I will make travel arrangements back for you, or I'll ask Anthony to do so. ".
The words came out matter-of-factly, coldly, even one would say. He then addressed her briefly and their eyes with.
"I wish you well, Alina" he said and then walked away from her and all she could do was watch him.
Benedict opened the door with a jerk but did not realise that his mother, siblings including their spouses, who were standing in the hall, were suddenly pretending to look at the paintings on the wall.
" I particularly love this painting... it's so, colourful, Eloise began but Benedict heeded her no mind.
"Benedict?", Violet asked worriedly but he did not answer. Instead, Benedict walked up to Anthony and briefly told him that he could make travel arrangements for Alina since he had done it before. After this brief statement, he walked upstairs towards his old room, entered it, and closed the door with a bang.
"Oh no," Colin said before turning to Anthony", "at least we tried, right? ". Anthony nodded solemnly.
This didn't sit well with Violet at all, besides the fact that she hadn't been in the loop and hadn't known about anything, which was bad enough but seeing Benedict so distraught hurt her mother's heart. She didn't really know why but something inside her said something wasn't right because it was obvious for her that the girl hadn't just travelled to London.
Violet didn't leave it at that and began walking towards the drawing room.
"Mother?" she heard Anthony ask questioningly.
"Leave it to me," she said only to then move on.
The door was still open and as she stood in its opening, she looked at Alina. She was sobbing, softly and was bent over with her face in her hands.
"Hello, Alina" she greeted. The poor girl looked up startled, turned her face away from Violet to weigh away the tears and then stood up.
"Mrs Bridgerton" spoke Alina before giving a polite nod in acknowledgement.
Violet immediately felt pity for the girl standing in front of her.
"I see that Benedict has not been a good host "spoke Violet looking at the empty coffee table "allow me to call for some tea and other treats and we will have a chat if that's alright?".
"But I have to-"
"I am in desperate need of some nourishment and respite. Lord knows, I love my children, but they can be a nuisance after a while," Violet lied because she was fond of said children.
"So do give me the favour of your company for a little bit" Violet stated. to which Alina reluctantly nodded.
Violet called Daniels and a few minutes later the tea had been served and she handed Alina a plate with some small cakes on it. Alina looked disinclined to eat but Violet urged her to:
"Dear girl, don't take this the wrong way but you look pale as a ghost, please have something to eat".
Alina took a few bites and then drank from her.
"Must have been a long journey" remarked Violet after a moment of silence.
"Quite an undertaking" continued Violet. "Did you have a pleasant journey?".
"I did, Mrs Bridgerton".
"Call me Violet, please" said Violet kindly but when she saw Alina frown in initial dismay at the suggestion she had to laugh. She suddenly understood why her son was so attracted to her, there was something steadfast about her, a keen sense of self even which made her intriguing. This was a woman what knew very well what was right, wrong, and therefore, Violet suspected, sabotaged herself in what she actually wanted.
"Mrs Bridgerton, it is then" smiled Violet. "You don't mind me calling you Alina, do you?", she asked just to be sure.
"No, Ma'am" replied Alina.
"Very well then" said Violet, only to have a serious expression cross her face as she put her cup back on the coffee table.
"I keep thinking of that day I saw you at Madame Delacroix's, when we came to pick Eleanor's dress. Seemed like yesterday, didn't it... I recall that you were crying that day, and you were crying just now as I entered" Violet said evenly.
Alina stared at her a tad embarrassed but Violet quickly reassured her.
"Don't be ashamed. I am not saying this to embarrass you, I am just pointing it out, pointing out what I see is rather clear to me".
Alina stared at her expectantly.
"That you love my son," Violet stated without any doubt of hesitance. Alina began wobbling uncomfortably in her seat and directed her gaze at her lap.
"And he loves you. I saw it the second he laid eyes on you... so my question is, why not embrace it? Why not embrace this wonderful thing that you have with him?".
" I can't, you, you don't understand", Alina stammered.
"Then explain it to me, please, make me understand. It feels like I am missing so much information, I can't connect the dots so if you would inform me, I'd appreciate it. Tell me from the start, about you and Benedict".
Alina was still not eager to speak, Violet could tell, as if something was holding her back.
"I will cast no judgment on you if that is what you are concerned about", Violet explained.
"You might though", Alina countered.
"Allow me to decide that for myself if you don't mind", Violet said evenly.
Alina took a deep breath and conceded and started telling Violet everything from the beginning, their meeting, how they both embarked on a doomed relationship, lying to themselves, until when it was announced that Benedict was getting married, how she learned about it through Lady Whistledown's leaflet, her marrying Tommy, their reunion after a long time at the fair. When she got to the end, the day of Tommy's death, Violet could see she was struggling to get the words out.
Violet needed some time to process all this information. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it. In essence, her son and Alina had not exactly behaved appropriately, she had to admit, it had been unfair to both their spouses and very much 'clicked' for Violet when she understood why Benedict seemed to make no effort to save his marriage. After all, he was in love with another woman.
She couldn't imagine how Tommy must have felt that day and her heart broke for the man. That level of betrayal must have been appalling.
Alina saw her pensive face and felt even more ashamed.
"You must think I am despicable" she expressed softly.
"No dear. I do not." said Violet quickly.
She didn't think Alina was despicable nor her son. Yes, she would speak severely to Benedict, he should have known better, he had behaved inappropriately from the beginning, given "society's standards" and he should have known better, not because she was from a different class, but he had had an upper hand in the situation, which she did not. He shouldn't have escalated things like that but on the other hand ... how could she blame him for falling in love?
How could she expect him to shut out his feelings?
She knew what it was to love someone, reluctantly, even if that person were no longer there, you could reason all you wanted but the heart contradicted the head in this, on every logically stated argument.
"Tell me more about Tommy if you want," Violet asked suddenly, the request hurt Alina, it hurt to think about Tommy but on the other hand, she was venting her heart anyway and somehow, that felt liberating.
"I had known Tom for a long time, since we were little. He was there for me when I had nothing or no one left, when my mother died, when Benedict ... marri-, when I was out of touch with him. Tommy was sweet and caring and. a kind father to his son" she brought out with difficulty and suddenly she felt like bursting into tears again.
"He sounds like he was a good man" said Violet to which Alina nodded "but Alina let me ask you a question and please be honest in your response" Violet began. Alina looked at her tensely.
"Do you think he would be okay with you being miserable for the rest of your life?".
Alina's mouth fell open in what seemed like astonishment, but she didn't answer, and Violet deemed it right to continue.
"I am not saying that you should act like nothing happened. I am not saying that you should trivialize what I assume are feelings of deep guilt and deep regret, I am not certain that you but maybe ... just maybe you could allow someone else to help you in carrying the burden. To not suffer so much, alone. Let Benedict help you. It is the least he can do." Violet stated earnestly.
"No one should be alone in this world my dear, no one. Think about that alright? Before you return to Dublin? Can I count on you to do that?" asked Violet compassionately.
"I will consider ... what you said."
"Good," smiled Violet "now you mentioned your little boy, I would like to meet him. Daniels!"
Alphie walked in with Clara a few minutes later.
"Hello," greeted Violet kindly "what's your name?"
"Alphie," Alina's little son shyly expressed.
"Oh gosh, aren't you adorable. My name is Violet, and I am happy to meet you."
It took Alphie exactly two minutes to sit on Violet her lap, completely entranced by the sweet lady who fed him cakes. Alina watched how with ease Violet had won over the little boy and how genuinely friendly she was. They were truly fortunate, Alina thought, the Bridgerton siblings to have Violet as their mother. When it came time to say goodbye, Alina felt she had already stayed too long, Alphie gave her a big hug and two kisses.
Violet then embraced Alina affectionately and accompanied her to the door.
"Whatever happens, take care of yourself, my dear" and it was the way she said it, motherly and concerned that moved Alina.
A knock on his door.
No answer.
Another.
"Whoever it is, get out!" shouted Benedict but the door opened, and footsteps could be heard. Benedict lay on his bed and acknowledged the visitor with chagrin.
"Or just barge in, mother and just don't listen, also fine" Benedict complained.
"I'm not in the mood for a lecture at the moment so I kindly but urgently request that you just go away", Benedict said.
"Who says I'm going to give you a lecture even though you deserve one," spoke Violet.
"In that case, just leave please" but Violet didn't, instead she stood there and shook her head.
"Benedict," she started with a sigh, but he was quick to interrupt her.
" I know what you're going to say, you're going to accuse me of taking advantage of her. It wasn't like that; it was never like that. It wasn't something sordid, what we had was real, wrong perhaps in society's eyes, but real and I tried several times to walk away, but I couldn't. " he said as he got up from his bed and walked toward his mother.
"So, what's different now? Why do you run away now?" asked Violet to him, a question Benedict had not expected.
"Because I can't keep saying goodbye to her. It simply.. hurts to much," he uttered with a crack in his voice.
"Then don't do that, Benedict. Then don't say goodbye to her", Violet countered.
"You don't understand, Mother. I have no choice, after all we've been through, even now that she is here.. she doesn't want to be with me. Enough. I can't keep doing this. It is clear to me now that it's just not meant to be".
"You don't believe that" Violet countered softly.
"I do, so please just leave me alone okay, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone".
"Alright, sweetheart", Violet conceded "if that is what you want but I, we will be here, if you need us".
Benedict nodded and then returned to his bed and his mother exited the room.
The day of departure. Sunday. She would return to Dublin today. She walked the streets alone, saying goodbye to the city for what was now the last time. Alphie had stayed with "Aunt" Genevieve and so Alina had a few hours respite and time to herself. Time to think as if she had done nothing else since she had been here, about herself, about everything she had experienced in this city. She concluded that this city had done her more bad than good, experienced too much, she had experienced too much. But even though she wanted to write them off London for good, she couldn't. There was a point of return every time in the form of Benedict. Her bad memories each time were placed in a lighter perspective, illuminated, by him. By the way he looked at her, his engaging smile, the sense that when she was with him nothing could happen, the warmth she felt with him and, that sense of belonging she felt, that he belonged to her, and she belonged to him. No matter how she wanted to ignore it, she couldn't, not this time.
She had always loved him she realized, and Violet's words had made an impression. Especially the question of whether Tommy had wanted to see her miserable for the rest of her life. She had thought about this for a long time and no matter how many times she wanted to tell herself that yes, Tommy had indeed wanted to see her miserable, a small voice inside her said that was not the case. The gentle and sweet Tommy she had known had not wished it on her.
And yet she felt selfish, incredibly selfish, at even the thought of being with Benedict so she put that delusion away. She needed to go for a walk and had asked if Genevieve would watch Alphie for a while. As she moved away from the shop she found herself going into the city centre and suddenly she knew where she was heading, whether it was a conscious decision or not, it wasn't long before she stood in front of Bridgerton house.
She remained there for a few minutes before being overwhelmed with the urgent need to leave but just as she was about the door opened. In it's opening she saw Eloise standing there with her back turned to Alina, and then a man, presumably her husband who was positioned in the same direction.
"It was lovely to see you all again," the second part of the sentence "though the visit could have been a little shorter, I won't make that mistake in the near future" was and directed at her husband, who then chuckled.
When Eloise turned forward again her eyes fell p Alina. She blinked and her husband, too, seemed momentarily taken back.
"Erm, Benedict!" she called.
Alina suddenly woke up and suddenly realized where she was.
"Missing me already, Eloise? Understandable. I'm your favourite brother after-". His words faltered at the sight of Alina.
By now Eloise and her husband had arrived at Alina, who still could not move.
"Hello, my name is Eloise Crane" she said as she held out a hand to Alina. Alina looked at it for a moment and then shook her hand.
"It's nice to meet you. This is my husband, Phillip" she said. Phillip tipped his hat at her as a greeting.
"We were visiting for a few days, too long if I may be honest. I had forgotten how loud and obnoxious my family could be. I'll be glad when I'm back home and I can get back to peace and quiet and not hear the incessant chatter" but the way she had said it was not at all mean.
"I must go now unfortunately but I hope to get to know you more in the future." Eloise looked back after this to her brother who stood a few steps away from her.
"He is right you know. Benedict, he is indeed my favourite brother. I would want nothing more than for him to be happy" she stated with a knowing expression on her face.
"Bye" she said and left.
Benedict continued to walk downstairs and stopped in front of Alina.
"Hello," Benedict greeted.
"Hi."
"What are you doing here?" he asked, somewhat coldly trying to come across.
"Did you come to say goodbye? "he continued but the words wouldn't find her.
"Benedict. I think it would be smart if you continued this conversation inside. You don't realize it, but you are being watched " he heard Anthony say who apparently realized that on the left side Portia Featherington was busy watching the couple, from across the street.
"Mother, let's walk on " she heard someone say.
"Hush, Penelope. Do you know who she is?" demanded Portia as she whispered.
"I do not," her daughter fibbed.
"I can see you're lying; you've always been bad at it. I'll only continue on our walk if you promise to tell me everything in a moment."
"Allow me, to inform you who she is Mrs. Featherington ", Benedict exclaimed.
"She" and he looked at Alina "is just an old friend of the family that came to say goodbye...forever. Isn't that right?," Benedict asked, a hopeless expression coming across his features..
Silence, an uncomfortable silence in fact, one that seemed to silence everyone in that street but then Alina was overcome by a sense that it was a time. Time to confess. Time to give in. She wouldn't be able to forgive herself for what she did, but she was so, so tired of fighting when all she wanted to do was surrender and let go, let go of preordained notions of what was wrong or right, let go of what society said and even let go of what her own arguments for why they couldn't or shouldn't work. Tired of feeling so alone all the time when he was there, right in front of her.
So, she surrendered. Finally.
"No" she answered.
"What?" asked Benedict.
"I said no."
"What do you mean?" Benedict inquired.
" I'm not here to say goodbye to you.", she explained as her eyes began to tear up.
Benedict blinked a few times, and an incredulous look came over him. He then took a step to legs and effectively stood above her.
"I am so sorry for hurting you."
"You're forgiven, Alina but please tell me.. if what you said prior is true, that you're not here to say farewell does that... mean that mean you're going to stay ... with me?".
Her answer took a little while to get there but answer, she did.
"If you'll have me," she replied softly.
"No question about that," Benedict said and before she knew what was happening, he had bent over, reached for her face, and kissed her, right there and then. He couldn't stop kissing her and didn't care if there was an audience, all he wanted to do was feel her lips on her, taste her as he realized just how much he had missed her.
"Benedict!", he heard his brother yell rather loudly, sharply even and he had no choice but to reluctantly retreat.
"Viscount, I say this only because we are family, - " Anthony rolled his eyes unobtrusively at that comment, Penelope was lovely and like another sister to him, so indeed his family yes, her mother... ehm not so much "and I mean well. This is absolutely inappropriate! Scandalous even! Frolicking like this in public. If these two aren't even engaged, they should be engaged, no married soon!", Portia reprimanded.
"Way ahead of you Mrs. Featherington. I have already attained a special license but thank you for the concern. You two... get inside... NOW," Anthony warned, sternly, as he directed his attention to the couple.
Benedict grabbed Alina and put his arm around her.
"I love you. Alina" he said as he gave her a kiss on the top of her head.
"I love you too, Benedict" she smiled.
"He just kissed her again!" Portia yelled.
"For the love of God, move it, you two!" Anthony exclaimed, when they had arrived at the entrance, Anthony practically pushed them inside and went off a lecture regarding rules of engagement, but his words weren't malicious at all. When he was done faux being angry he told them his plan.
"As I said I attained a special license. Mrs. Featherington, how annoying she may be, is right, you too should get married rather quickly before she spreads the news across the entirety of London. It's Sunday today...we have tomorrow and Tuesday to arrange the church, flowers, et wedding attire, so would Wednesday work for you?".
They looked at each other and smiled.
"I believe that would be great, Anthony, thank you" replied Benedict.
"Fantastic" said Anthony as she sighed a breath of relief.
"I will fetch mother so she can discuss things further with you. Oh...um Daniels!" cried Anthony.
"Could you send a carriage to stop Eloise from traveling further? I am certain they are still in London at this time and haven't ventured out that far yet. I am sure she will be happy to spend a few days more with us," Anthony smirked.
He then walked away and was almost to the stairs when he heard Benedict calling behind him.
"What is it?" he asked, slightly concerned since Benedict had a serious expression.
A few seconds later, Anthony was engulfed in Benedict's arms.
"Thank you, Anthony. Thanks for being so meddlesome and intervening. You are the best big brother in the world, and I love you.".
He was not a particularly emotional man, he thought to himself, the truth was different so when he became emotional he shrugged the sentiment away rather quickly.
"You're welcome, Benedict. It was the least I could do" he said before detaching himself and mumbling an excuse that he had a lot to take care of.
And then the two were alone for a moment and Benedict didn't miss the opportunity to kiss her again, deeply, this time a bit more wildly, as he pushed her closer to him, enjoying the feeling of her closer to him, her curves inviting him to caress her more, and he let his hands go gently down her sides and then lower... lower until he was almost at her...
"Oh my God, this is just outrageous!".
"Not again," Penelope winced.
Unknown to them Colin, Penelope AND Mrs. Featherington had walked into the hall as Colin had a key and had let them in.
Speaking of the younger male Bridgerton, Benedict could see that he almost burst into laughter, no doubt aware that Portia had also witnessed the first kiss..
"I apologize, Mother, you shouldn't have seen that. I think no one should have in actuality" Colin remarked with a smirk.
"I deeply apologize Mrs. Featherington for the first and also the second time you encountered us. We are engaged but will take more, uhm, precaution in the future " said Benedict but Portia didn't seem to believe them very much.
"Brother, might I suggest that you part with each other for a little while? Colin asked with a grin, and it was at that point it dawned on Alina that Alphie was still at Genevieve's.
"Alphie! I should get back to Alphie. He is at Genevieve's", Alina explained.
"Alright, we'll go get him" but Portia cleared her throat in protest.
"You'll go get him" he suggested, changing his mind.
"Okay" she agreed happily and then he escorted her outside where he called a carriage for her and just about when she was going to enter, Benedict stated, "Portia Featherington, be damned" before once more taking her lips to his.
WRITER'S NOTE:
I WILL NOT APOLOGISE FOR THIS CHEESY CHAPTER AT ALL. They deserve all the happiness. One chapter left my friends and that will the end. If I forget to say it, in the next one, I won't but still, thank you so very much for following this story over two years. I can't thank you enough. Elias7, thank you for commenting so frequently, you're the best.