Chapter 7: little women
"Some people seemed to get all sunshine, and some all shadow..."
November 1976
The sound of rain falling can be as loud or as quiet as one wishes to hear it. A soft melody in the background or the thunderous motor of a car hitting a curb. For Lily, in that particular November morning, it would forever feel - no matter how long or short that forever would be - like she was drowning in it.
She softly knocked on her sister's bedroom door before calling, the wood under cracking with the weight.
"Tuny?" her voice seeming foreign after continuous silent crying. "Mum says it's time to go."
There wasn't an answer and Lily knocked again uncertain.
"I'm coming." The inside voice sounded strained and Lily knew her older sister was trying to breath between her cries.
She slowly opened the door to see an all in black almost 19-year-old Petunia Evans soon to be Dursley. Lily had found out her sister was engaged the day she returned home after she got the news about their father's quiet death, and had numbly registered the information away. But seeing now her once best friend sitting in front of her mirror, in her room that had always been just that - her room - but would soon become her childhood room, fell on her like a bag of bricks. Everything was falling apart.
"You look really pretty, Petunia."
Lily was eleven again, hoping and begging for her sister's approval with vulnerability in her voice and awe in her eyes.
Petunia turned to her and she really did look beautiful. The sadness in her traces turned her typical unsatisfactory or annoyance expressive lines, into maturity and melancholy. It was like she had finally lived enough to catch up on the weight that had gloomed her down for some years now.
"I missed you", Lily said without thinking which is why she said it in the first place. That and because it was true.
Petunia looked at her with vulnerable watery eyes.
"And I miss him too" Lily was able to say before starting to cry again. She walked closer and stopped in front of her older sister, hands intertwined in front of her, hoping Petunia would hold them.
"It's not fair" the eldest finally whispered.
"I know" she shook her head in agreement.
"It's not fair… dad was mine."
Lily squinted, calming her sobs. "What?"
"You left," Petunia continued in a whispered tone. "You left and you were never here. You don't know what it was like."
"Tuny, please-"
She continued in the same monotonous unfeeling tone. "You weren't here when we got the results back, when he knew he had to go through it again… you didn't see how, in his eyes, he didn't believe it. Believe that he could go through it again… and make it."
Lily cleaned her face. "Why are you saying these things?"
"Because it's true." Petunia wasn't necessarily looking at Lily because truth is, she wasn't necessarily looking anywhere. But a tear fell down her cheek. "Dad knew it too. We understood each other, he and I. He knew what it was like to be left behind…"
Lily got triggered by this- this idea that her eleven year-old-self should have this weight and responsibility for having to go live away from everything and everyone she knew because she had simply been born well, different. She got especially triggered because, no matter how many times she would rationalize this with herself, that guilt and burden was her assiduous companion night and day and that place between sleep and awake where you still remember dreaming. And more often than not, came to her through the voice of her older sister.
"That's not fair Petunia, you know that! Every holiday, every school break I was here, everyday, with him and mum so you could breath and-and be with your fiancée-"
"Don't- talk about Vernon!" Lily jumped from the fright of Petunia's abrupt awakening. "He was here!, and he's been here- for me! He didn't go anywhere and he's not going anywhere because that's what you do for the people you love." Petunia was looking straight at Lily's eyes now with pain and anger all mixed in her words. It felt like stabs to Lily as she shrunk herself. "You stay. That's what you do, you don't run off and pretend like everything is OK when you come back from time to time. You stay."
Lily was crying as if a toddler when yelled at for a mistake. "I'm sorry!" she gave in. "I'm sorry Tuny, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to leave you, I-I was a kid, I couldn't choose I-"
"Yes you could. You could and you did. You chose yourself, over me and over dad. And you know what's worse?"
Lily didn't respond but prepared herself for the hand grenade that was about to blow.
"In the end, he kept confusing us, me and you… so I had to play both. I had to play both of us, for dad… because you were none."
A cold silence between the only sister each other had. Lily always surprised how there could still be new things that could strip her of any sense of self, when she thought everything had already been said and done. And Petunia... well, Petunia would forever be thirteen years-old, stuck in the moment when she learned that anger was a perfect farce for pain, disappointment, and loneliness. Anger gave her a false sense of control- control to hurt others, that would entertain herself enough to not sit with her own hurt. She would find later, that pain demands to be felt- and if you don't let it, you'll find yourself having to be angry all the time, in a senseless and exhausting run from yourself.
After an eternity or just a moment, there were steps heard followed by a knock.
"Ahem, dear? You ready?"
Petunia straightened up and talked to the man at the door. "I am."
She grabbed her small purse at the foot of the bed and passed through Lily without looking at her, who was holding it together to keep standing without letting her future brother-in-law see her face.
Before leaving, Petunia paused at the door. "It's not fair that dad's dead. But you know what, as far as I'm concerned, so will you, the moment I leave this house and marry Vernon. Just as you did to me, over five years ago."
Lily heard her sister's steps walk away as the hole in her chest grew into a black hole, and her vitality, her guts, and her breath were being sucked right into her centre - right between her ribs, her whole gravity sucked into a single point. She thought that maybe that's what actually happens when your heart breaks, it pulls you inwards until you disappear. She wished it would.
When Lily walked down the stairs, there were family members and friends awaiting in their living room, all dressed in formal black and whispering as if her dad was still resting upstairs and they had to keep quiet.
"Lily dear," her mum called.
Hannah Evans was beautiful. Not only because of how she looked- particularly since she had grown ten years older in the last few months, her ginger hair loosing its life and dark circles hiding away the green of her eyes. No, Hannah Evans was beautiful because she was not human, she was an angel; and she was Lily's angel.
She went to her, focused in hiding this new anchor she was carrying in her chest. The young mother held her youngest daughter's face in her hands before giving her a weak smile.
"I think there's some people outside that came for you today."
Lily looked at her mother confused but the kind, elegant woman signalled her to the door and whispered "Go."
She went to look through the door's small window and when she saw it, her eyes filled with tears again but not the bad ones.
She opened the door and ran outside to her school girlfriends waiting for her on the street. She hugged them all at the same time, and they welcomed her with open and tight arms. She closed her eyes tight against Marlene's hair and squeezed Dorcas with one of her arms. She looked up and saw James with a soft smile - she said nothing but stared at him.
"We all knew this day would come, that Evans' final pilgrimage would come to an end. And so we have come together to honour and celebrate his journey - together, as it should always be, either in times of joy or times of grief, times of pain, and times of sorrow. Peter Evans will continue to guide the spiritual journey of his wife Hannah, and their two daughters Petunia and Lily at a time when, more than ever, they will stand together to remember their father and husband-"
Lily stopped hearing after that and started looking around to the gatherers instead. It had stopped raining but the sky was still grey and she was thankful for it, if it was bright blue she would surely spiral inside her own mind, trying to make sense of something that could not be.
There were quite a few elders that were assiduous attendees to such ceremonies, and Lily wondered if, when they themselves would eventually pass away, if there would be successors in their roles of mourners. She wished there would.
There was a little boy holding hands with his mother, who must have not had anywhere else to leave him and therefore had to bring him with her, instead of skipping this final goodbye altogether for her dad, and spear the young boy of such a memory. She wanted to take him away from there so they could both go get hot chocolate instead. He noticed and waved his little hand at her. She smiled back.
In the past, Severus had been the one with whom she shared her terrors for this day that would inevitably come. Now, she breath deep in a turmoil of relief and sorrow to not find him in the crowd. She looked to her left and saw her sister keeping a beautiful straight posture, that made her feel oceans apart. She suddenly had a compulsory wish to be back at Hogwarts, by her dorm window, looking at pictures and humming songs to sooth herself - she wished to be home. She looked back and found James, looking right back at her.
"Mrs. Evans?" James called her before she could walk away alongside her next door neighbors that had just shared their condolences. "I-I'm James Potter, I go to school with Lily? I'm terribly sorry for your loss."
Hannah Evans looked up at the young man and accepted James' hand with curiosity "Ah yes, I remember Lily mentioning you at the train station a couple of times. Look at you, how you've grown."
"Yes… mum says it's from her side of the family but she's half my height so I doubt it" he said lightly, hand unconsciously going to his hair.
"Well you'll always be little kids in our eyes. Believe me, I still see Lily with those big green eyes wide awake at 5 a.m. knocking on my bedroom door and jumping onto my bed." She laughed lightly and there were small lines by her eyes.
They both looked at Lily who was circled by the 6th year Gryffindor classmates who had all come, entertaining her with awaiting homework and plans for when she'd come back.
"That's actually why I wanted to speak to you Mrs. Evans, I'd like to give you these…" James said, showing her two pretty mystical mirrors. "If you keep one and give the other to Lily, you'll be able to talk through it, while she's away"
Lily's mum carefully took them, wide eyed just like Lily, mouth slightly opened moved by the gesture.
"It's not fair that you can't be closer at a time like this. She needs someone to look after her."
She looked up at him with a curious look in her face.
"It seems like she already has."
James looked down, licking his lips unsure of what to say.
"I'm glad." She smiled, squeezing his hand one last time before walking away.
Lily was looking at the scene before Jamie walked closer and she turned her attention to her. "You shouldn't have come. I mean I love you for it but, this isn't the place for you right now."
Jamie rolled her eyes and locked arms with her instead. "Stop, I'm not an invalid. And besides, I wasn't going to waste a free trip to the Midlands, who knows how life's going to be after I'm too big for any traveling besides going to the bathroom."
Lily chuckled. "How did it work anyway? How come you're all here?"
They paused their walking.
"Lily…"
"What?" she asked innocent.
"It was James. He took care of everything, paid for everything. Marlene said he even offered it to Snape to come."
Lily blinked confused, looking for answers in her friend's face. Jamie gave her a soft smile and squeezed her arm, returning their walk. Lily looked briefly back, finding James by her father's grave.
"Pleasure to meet you, sir." James said with his hands on his pockets, to the pile of fresh shoved dirt. "I just wanted to say thank you, for putting Lily in my life she hum, she's very special to me, and to a lot of people. I can only imagine how worried you must be… leaving her behind. And how hard it must have been, leaving that smile behind. She has…" he swallowed, and scratched the back of his neck. "She has the most beautiful smile, doesn't she? Her thin perfect lips, just give place to all that light when it opens wide… but what am I saying, you know it better than anyone of course."
James looked around before reaching his coat inside pocket, and taking a beautiful bouquet of lilies, petunias and red roses. He careful laid them close to the many other flowers laying around.
"Anyway I just wanted to say that, I'll do my best to make her smile again, sir. Probably she'll laugh for something dumb I've said without meaning to," he smiled at himself, "but that's alright, I don't really mind."
He breathed deep and stayed silent for a few moments. "I won't let anything happen to her Sir, I promise. She'll be OK."
He bowed slightly in respect and walked away, leaving the grave behind as the wind blew quietly some of the petals away.