Chapter 22

Jennie

"Boston?" I echo even though I heard him right the first time. "As in east coast Boston?"

"Yeah," she says, not looking away from her phone. I can see the conflicting emotions on her face, and I hope she looks up and says it's not worth it after all because her family is here in Chicago.

But she doesn't.

"I think our ride is here," she says instead, and grabs my carry-on bag, hiking it up on her shoulder. I flip my hood on to keep my hair dry and wheel my suitcase out, and the word Boston repeats through my mind over and over. I've been to New York but not Boston. It's not a terribly long flight, but it's no quick trip either.

And Ella will be born by then. Traveling alone with a baby has to be difficult. I can't tell Lisa not to go though, right? She's furthering her education, not taking a year or two off to party.

"Get in so you don't get wet," Lisa tells me, acting as if everything is normal. It's far from it. She has a life-altering decision to make and it's not bothering her at all. Maybe she's already made up her mind. She wants this, after all, and getting in is a huge accomplishment. "I'll get your suitcase."

"Thanks," I say distantly and climb into the back of the car. I pull my hood off and watch Lisa quickly load the suitcases into the trunk. She slides in next to me, setting my carry-on in the space between us.

"Do you know how long the fellowship is?" I ask.

"Two years."

"And you'd start in January?"

"Yeah."

I nod, and I'm sure she knows what I'm thinking. She'll be hours away working long shifts. What happens if I go into labor? There's a chance she won't make it back in time.

I blink back tears. I should be proud of her. Really fucking proud. This is no easy feat, and she mentioned before how competitive the fellowship is. Only the best of the best get in.

Lisa is the best.

She'll make a great trauma surgeon, saving lives and making the world a better place and all. Plus, being temporarily separated by distance isn't the worse thing. There are lots of military couples who handle long distance. Lisa will be in Boston, not the Middle East.

Yeah…it's not that bad. We'll get through this and when it's over we'll look back at the hard times and see how it strengthened us. This will be good in the end. Lisa will be happy, and most of the time, long-term success and happiness require some give and take.

But we'd just talked about her looking for jobs in the city and us moving in together. I go from feeling like we're on the same page to thinking she's jumping ahead into another book. On a different shelf.

If Boston is where she wants to go, then fine. I love her, and we'll make it work.

"So, what do you have to do about the fellowship?" I ask, picking at a loose string on the fabric seat of the car.

"Accept or decline."

"What do you want to do?" I tear my eyes away from my lap to look at Lisa. The excitement has washed away, and she's back to looking strained and stressed.

"Let's not worry about it now. No talking about work, remember?" She smiles, but her lack of response makes me think she wants to take it.

Which is fine. And I know it's fine because I keep having to tell myself it's fucking fine.

"Okay." I reach over and take her hand. Feeling her skin on mine relaxes me, but I know there's no way I can let this go and not think about it until she comes to a decision. This is big and life-changing. For all three of us.

I wish I could drink. If I could suck down a margarita right now, I so would. And then I'd probably be able to relax and not constantly wonder what Lisa's going to do about this fellowship.

We just woke up on our first official full day in Hawaii, and it couldn't be more beautiful. I'm standing on the balcony of our hotel room looking out at the ocean trying to find my fucking zen.

The fact that I'm not jumping for joy for Lisa makes me feel so guilty it's like the morning sickness has come back full force. I am proud of her. I do want her to take the fellowship position.

But I want that position to be in Chicago. Maybe it was naïve of me to assume she'd get in at Northwestern since we ran into Dr. Crawford and his wife. That's where he works, after all, and he and Lisa have emailed a few times and I even brought it up to Mrs. Crawford when we met for lunch to talk about MIT and internships.

I don't think it's terrible that I'm upset to think about Lisa moving far away though. Anyone who's in love would have hesitations about their better half moving states away.

Lisa steps out behind me, and her hands settle on my waist. "That's one hell of a view," she says, lips brushing against my neck as she talks.

"It is. You might have a hard time getting me to leave."

"We can become permanent vacationers and forget all responsibilities." She slides her hands around to my middle. "For a few months at least."

I close my eyes and lean back against her, inhaling deep. The sun is already warm but the breeze coming in from the ocean makes the weather perfectly enjoyable.

"Nah, we can stay here and just change Ella's name to Moana. She'll like the island life."

"Maybe she'll grow up to be a pro surfer or something. She'll need to do something that'll make a lot of money to support her deadbeat beach bum parents."

I laugh, spinning in her arms. She grips me tighter and plants a kiss on my lips, making my heart do a skip-a-beat thing.

"We can start her young. Some of those athletes go pro before they can drive."

"That's my plan," she says, and I laugh. Leaning down to kiss me again, she brushes my hair out of my face. It's hanging down my back in loose waves, and I'm debating twisting it up into a bun. The constant ocean breeze is amazing but makes for messy hair.

"You are so beautiful," Lisa whispers. "I love you so fucking much."

"I love you, too." I hook my arms around her neck, heart lurching and wishing I could put Boston out of my mind. But I can't because not knowing if she's going to be miles and miles away is killing me.

I don't want her to go, and though I'm not going to tell her that and let that sway her decision one way or another, I feel guilty over it, like I'm a bad girlfriend.

I can support her and not be happy about it, right? It's not permanent, by any means, and just because we'll be living apart—still—doesn't mean things will fall apart between us. We'll keep doing what we're doing now, and by the time the fellowship is over, we'll have so many frequent flyer miles we can come back here and not have to pay for airfare.

There. Much better. I just need to keep a positive outlook and—who am I fucking kidding? It's going to suck. I'm going to hate being away from Lisa, and she'll hate being away from us. She'll support me every way she can, but I'll still be alone at night with a newborn.

Unless I quit my job and go to Boston with her, because I could. I don't have to work, and can move out with her. We can rent a cute little house close to a park, and Ella and I can go visit her at the hospital for lunch. Moving far away from my family will hurt, but not being with Lisa will hurt more.

"Are you okay, babe?" Lisa asks. "Did your morning sickness come back or something?"

"No." I look into her brown eyes and smile. "I'm still jetlagged I think. And hungry."

"Let's go get breakfast before you feel sick."

"I think I'm okay," I tell her, a little afraid of jinxing myself. Right around the end of my seventeenth week, the morning sickness went away. Waking up with an empty stomach makes me feel a little nauseous, but it's nothing like it was before.

We step back into the room and Lisa closes the balcony door. I run my fingers through my hair and fix the tie on my beach coverup.

"Should I put on a regular dress?" I ask Lisa.

"Aren't you wearing one?"

"No, this is a swim coverup."

She raises an eyebrow. "I don't get the difference."

"This one is a little see-through."

"I didn't even notice and I'm always checking you out."

I laugh and grab the beach bag. "Okay, that's good enough for me then."

"Walk in front of me," she says with a smile. "Let me check out this see-through dress."

"What's on the agenda for today?" Lisa asks once we're seated for breakfast. We're on an outdoor patio with the resort pool on one side and the ocean on the other. I cannot get over how pretty everything is here.

"Beach time, a couple's massage, and then a luau. It's supposed to be really good according to what I read online."

"I've never had a professional massage," Lisa says as she looks over the menu.

"You'll love it."

"What exactly does it mean 'do a couple's massage' over a regular one?"

"We're just next to each other. Usually you do the same things, but mine has to be altered since I'm pregnant." I glance at the drink menu. "Order a mimosa for me. I just want to smell it."

Lisa laughs. "I can do that."

I look out at the ocean, watching people drag kayaks through the sand and into the water. There were a few things I couldn't do that I wanted to—like kayak and go horseback riding—due to being pregnant. There were mixed reviews online about whether it was safe or not, but Lisa and I decided or err on the side of caution.

"So, the fellowship," I start, looking down at my menu. "Have you thought about it at all?"

"Nope."

I put the menu down. "Really?"

"Really. I meant it when I said we shouldn't think about work. Let's focus on us and how fucking amazing it is here."

I smile and nod, wondering how I can focus on us when I don't know where we'll be. I don't want to be away from her.

"Us. Right. Well, we are doing the perfect Jennie and Lisa vacation with food, sleep, and sex."

"It's the perfect relationship," Lisa says with a smile. "Doesn't hurt that you're a total hottie."

I laugh. "We are good together and—" I cut off, hand flying to my stomach.

"Are you okay?" Lisa starts to get up.

"Yeah. I felt a kick. Like a real kick." I move my hand, feeling it again. "Whoa. That's weird. But cool."

"You know the whole process of conception and birth fascinates me."

"Oh, I know. You had me watch that Miracle of Life video with you like we were in a middle-school sex ed class."

"You never watched the end."

I shake my head. "I don't want to see someone give birth until after I have."

"That might be a good idea," She laughs. The waitress comes to take our food order. When she leaves, silence falls over the table. I'm trying hard not to think about the fellowship, and I have a feeling Lisa is too. But she's right not to bring it up.

We're in paradise together with no responsibilities. The week will be over before we know it, and then it's back to reality.

"You're looking a little red," Lisa tells me, setting her book down. We've been on the beach for a while, and I moved out of my shady spot inside the cabana to soak up some sun.

I sit up, readjusting my floppy hat. "I'm feeling a little warm." I stretch and go back into the shade next to Lisa and grab the sunscreen. Lisa takes it from me and rubs it on my shoulders. "Want to walk in the water with me? I'll cool off and we can explore the beach a bit."

"Yeah, that sounds good. Let's get something to eat first." She grabs a bottle of water and hands it to me. "You need to make sure you stay hydrated."

I twist off the cap and take a long drink. "You too. You might be used to not taking care of yourself, but I won't allow that on my watch."

"Thanks, babe." She takes her own water and finishes it off. I stick her book in my bag and move it deeper inside the cabana. Taking only my phone and wallet with me, we go to a walk-up tiki hut-themed bar that serves snack foods as well as alcohol. We bring the food back to our reserved space.

We sit close together, cuddling up after we're done eating. Being with Lisa feels so right. This is how we were meant to be.

Together.

Which makes not knowing what Lisa wants to do about this fellowship hover above me like a dark shadow. Refusing to let it darken my mood, I get out my phone and take selfies of us together, and then snap a few pictures of the beach to send to Mom, who's been texting me all day asking for more photos.

Lisa and I walk along the beach for a while, and then I lay out a bit more, careful not to overheat. We go back to our room a few hours before dinner to shower and get ready.

I stay in the bathroom to blow-dry my hair, and when I come into the room, Lisa is already asleep.

Smiling at how she looks both sweet and sexy at the same time, I grab my phone and take a picture of her before carefully getting into bed next to her. The balcony doors are open, and the sound of the ocean below lulls me to sleep.

I wake up before Lisa, needing to pee. When I get back into bed, I can't fall asleep. My phone is on the mattress next to me, and I go through the photos we took today while at the beach. I upload my favorite to Instagram and send a few more to my mother.

I log back onto Instagram to check and see who's liked my photo so far. Instead of putting my phone down and turning off my mind, I open an internet search and look up information on the fellowship.

The particular hospital in Boston is one of the best in the nation, and I'm all the more proud of her for getting in. It hurts my heart to think of us being separated, but this is her dream. I don't want her to regret this, years later or to resent me or Ella for keeping her from following this path.

If she wants to go, I'll have to be okay with it.