Chapter Eighteen
Listen To Your Heart
As usual, sleep did not come for me that night. I tossed and turned, trying to think about anything other than what Tommy and Trini both had yelled at me. It was ironic that both of the people who meant the most to me in the whole world were the two that had decided it was time to tell me how they were really feeling. I kept going back and forth from being angry to guilty all night long, each time I tossed and turned. I finally gave up on sleeping a little after 6 am, deciding to take a quick shower before heading downstairs to the breakfast area. It was a little after 7 am, giving me hope that it would be pretty empty for the most part.
To my surprise, I saw that Billy was down here already. He sat off to the side at one of the smaller booths. A newspaper was in his hands that he was reading over a bowl of fruit that was in front of him. I finished getting my oatmeal, unsure of what I'd even say to him. Maybe running back to my room would be the best idea. But before I could, he glanced up and smiled when he saw me. He gestured to the booth across from him, an open seat waiting for someone to fill it. I returned the smile, walking over with my bowl in hand.
"I'm surprised you're speaking to me," I said, sitting down. "Trini made it sound like I was Public Enemy #1."
"Well, I'm not one to be mad because someone expected me to do it." He replied, setting the paper down. "I much prefer the act of getting mad myself and then having to figure out how we'd argue about it." I sighed, leaning back in my seat.
"Billy, why didn't you tell me about the house?" I asked. "I could have helped you."
"Because I am my father's son." He replied. "Right about the time I left for college, my Dad took out a second mortgage on the house to help pay for school. He never told me and assumed he'd be able to pay it off with no issue because of his job. But then the plant went south for cheap labor rates and left Dad without any income. A lawyer advised us to put it in my name as well to help Dad be able to keep the house if it went into foreclosure. But then I also lost my job and haven't really found anything in Angel Grove. Dad owes triple the amount the house is worth and now that he's in a nursing home for rehab after his open heart surgery, it's been a struggle to just keep the lights on. They are going to take the house at the end of next month."
"That's awful. That's your home, Billy. Let me help you. Please." He shook his head, patting my arm.
"I appreciate the gesture but truly, I think this is the way it needs to be. I could never pay you back for the assistance or the loan. Dad is never going to be able to come home to the house anyway after his time in the nursing home. He will be going to assisted living."
"What about you though? Where will you go?"
"Well, I've been looking at a few rentals. Until I find one, Tommy has granted me permission to live with them." He sipped his coffee. "I heard you two had a disagreement last night."
"Yeah. You could say that." I muttered, moving my spoon around my oatmeal. "It's complicated."
"Always is with you two." Billy replied, grinning at me. I snorted, shaking my head. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really. Do you want to talk about losing your childhood home?" I questioned.
"Not entirely." He responded. I sighed.
"So…Trini and Jason are pregnant?" I asked. Billy nodded, leaning forward.
"Correct. I see Trini finally told you. I was hoping she would on this trip. It's been a hard secret to keep."
"Can I ask you something that you'll answer honestly?" I asked, setting my spoon down.
"Affirmative. I've always been honest with you, Kim."
"I know." I took a deep breath. "Do you and the rest of the group feel like I abandoned you when I left and haven't been back until now?"
"Oh." Billy said, looking uncomfortable in the seat as she shifted. "I wouldn't use the term abandoned."
"Billy…" I said in a warning tone.
"I think it would be fair to say that we felt like you had chosen a different life path than the one we were included in. There was a long span of time where your frequency of contact seemed to lessen following your issues with Tommy becoming public knowledge."
"They weren't common knowledge." I said through gritted teeth. "Y'all just assumed it and someone confirmed it."
"Ah. I apologize for that."
"It doesn't matter now. I just….Trini told me last night that everyone was upset with the way I handled it and how I have apparently checked out from being a good person. I just wasn't sure if it was true for everyone else but I guess it is."
"Listen to me." Billy said, grabbing my hand in his. "I understand it. You dealt with some things following your break up with Tommy and what happened during your last altercation with him. You have a busy career that is time-consuming and easy to get lost in to avoid real life. Do I wish I had heard from you more? Sure. But I understand the reasoning behind it. I believe that the resentment from everyone else comes from a place where they might not understand what it's like to have something to hide behind when you're trying your best to avoid the bad things in your life."
"You really think so?" I asked. He nodded.
"Yes. Besides, it's not like we couldn't have made more effort to talk to you. It's easier to give blame than share it."
"Oh, Billy. This is why we've been best friends since kindergarten." I smiled.
"That and Skull tried to shove me into a puddle of pee." He smirked. I laughed, grabbing my spoon again as he released my hand.
"And he ended up in it instead." I stated proudly, remembering when I had defended Billy back then.
"Not my most glorious moment but true." He took a bite of a piece of melon from his bowl. "So, are you excited about your party tonight?"
"I would be if the people I really wanted to be there hadn't decided all at once that I was evil."
"Well, I know for a fact that they are still playing to attend. Trini was making sure that we all had our suits hanging up last night."
"I guess that means something." I said softly, not having the heart to ask if that meant Tommy too. I assumed he was probably home by now. I hadn't seen him after our argument on the balcony.
"I'm sure you will have a wonderful time."
"Thanks, Billy. Do you want to be my escort for the evening?" I asked.
"Me? Are you sure?"
"Yes! I think it's the best option right now given the circumstance."
"I'd be honored then." He smiled at me.
"Billy, I'm glad I can always count on you."
I kept a low profile most of the day, hiding in my hotel room. I managed a nap after being up all night and when I woke up, it was time to get ready for the party. I straightened my hair and then curled the ends, pinning it up with some pink-flowered pins that matched the dress I had picked out. I changed into a pink lace cocktail dress, with a sweetheart neckline on the top of it and a skirt that flowed to just before my shins. I loved the way it hugged my curves and still felt light and breathable. I did a light layer of makeup with soft pink eye shadow, completing the look the best I could. As I looked in the mirror, I couldn't help but notice that there was a sad look to my features that I wasn't able to make go away no matter what face or smile I forced on. I sighed, knowing that I was acting like I was about to face a firing squad instead of a party to celebrate my accomplishments. Billy knocked on the door a short time later and we headed down to the conference hall where the party was being held.
Everything was decorated with pink flowers and streamers, balloons taped here and there. There were about a hundred people here, mostly the road crew and other people who help make the concerts happen every single night. I also spotted some executives already there. It was easy to spot them from everyone else. They wore expensive suits and drank top-shelf booze in glasses while everyone else held beer bottles or mixed drinks. Everyone mingled, my music playing softly in the background through some speakers around the room.
"Hi!" Shayna said, appearing in front of me. She was dressed in a red cocktail dress with matching stilettos on her feet. She had her hair flowing down her back and she looked stunning.
"Hey." I said, giving her a hug. "I have a feeling you planned the party as well."
"I might have had a hand in it." She smirked.
"I can tell." I replied. "Thank you. It looks great."
"Well, you deserve it. You've worked so hard to make this dream a reality for not only yourself but everyone in this room. It's all because of you. Don't forget that."
"I know." I said. Behind her, I saw that Jason, Trini, and Zack walked into the hall. To my surprise, Tommy brought up the rear as they entered. He wasn't gone. He had stayed here and was at the party. That had to be some kind of sign right? Whether it was good or bad I didn't know.
"Hey, party people." A voice said, walking over to us. Shifting, I saw that it was Tristan. I was thrown off to see him wearing an actual black suit. He typically only wore black slacks and maybe a button up to events like this, clashing with his style. But he was indeed in a suit and tie, his blonde hair slicked back in a small ponytail at the base of his neck. He had even shaved, the stubble he usually wears gone from his face.
"Hi," I said as he wrapped an arm around my waist. He smiled down at me, kissing the top of my head.
"I'm so proud of you, Kim."
"Thanks," I replied, feeling uneasy to be standing there with him in such a crowded space. I didn't want to make a scene but I also didn't want to make Tommy suffer any if he looked over here. I realized I was too late though when I looked up and locked eyes with him, Tristan's arm still around me. I quickly shrugged his arm off, acting like I was fishing something out my bag.
"Drinks!" Shayna said, catching the awkwardness. "How about some drinks for everyone?"
"That sounds like an excellent idea." Billy replied.
"Tristan, care to assist me?" Shayna asked, smiling brightly at him.
"Sure." He replied. He turned to me. "I'll be right back."
"Okay." He followed behind Shayna as she headed towards the bar. I let out a sigh, running a hand over my hair.
"That was something." Billy mused. I shot him a playful glare as I saw that our friends were making their way towards us, Tommy dragging behind them practically.
"There's the woman of the hour!" Zack said, giving me a tight squeeze of a hug. I returned it, him holding me at arm's length when he let go. "Hard to believe it used to be us singing together at the Youth Center. Now we are here rubbing elbows with some of county music's biggest upcoming names."
"I know. Look where we are now." I stated.
"Congrats, Kim. So happy for you." Jason said, giving me a hug. I noticed that behind him, Trini and Tommy were doing their best to pretend they weren't part of our group. Both were doing a stellar job at avoiding eye contact with me.
"Thanks. I'm happy you guys could be here." I said.
"We're glad we're here," Billy said, giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
"Not everyone," I said in a low enough voice that I knew the two avoiding me couldn't hear it.
"Chin up." Jason said, winking at me. "They'll come around."
Tristan and Shayna returned with drinks for everyone in our group and I made my rounds around the party, mingling with everyone the best I could. I wanted to make sure I spent time with the executives, listening to them when they spoke to earn some points back after all of my shenanigans the last month. The other country acts from the festival were here, at least the ones who were able to hang around for one more day. I made small talk with them as well, Tristan speaking to them more than me it seemed. It felt like Tristan was hovering a bit with every move I made. It was like he needed to be right there just a few feet away from everywhere I went and to who I spoke to. I didn't like that and no matter what I said in a passive-aggressive tone, he wasn't grasping that idea.
About an hour later, I found myself standing alone by the table where they had set out snacks and other treats to eat. I sipped my drink, thankful for the moment away from Tristan. I was beginning to feel smothered, mostly due to the fact I knew that he was going to find me again soon after his trip to the bathroom he had excused himself for. I reveled in the times of silence, grateful for the break.
"I see you're hiding." Tommy's voice said next to me, causing me to grip my glass tighter before I turned to face him. He held a beer in his hand, a dark green button-up under a light grey suit. His hair was down, the locks straightened like how he used to wear it in high school.
"I see you're still here," I said, taking a long sip from my drink to cover the fact my fingers were trembling.
"Well, I do have a round-trip flight." He replied.
"Right," I muttered, looking down at the ice in my glass. "I meant here at the party."
"I promised I'd be here. So, I'm here."
"Tommy, don't think you owe me anything. I think last night made it very clear where we stand right now. Making small talk isn't going to fix that. Maybe we try again in another four years. Seems to be our thing."
"Not all of us can move on from one thing to the next in a blink of an eyes like you." He stated. "You act like it was just something that I could forget by now." Boy, did I wish it was.
"What do you want from me? Huh? Do you want me to invent a time machine to go back and stop myself from writing you that letter? Don't you think I would if I could?" I asked in a hushed tone. "I can't change anything that's happened any more than you can."
"I didn't ask you to." He stated in a calm voice. "I'm here because I want to be here to support you."
"You have a funny way of showing it," I muttered.
"Kim, I-." Tommy started but was cut off by the sound of the microphone on stage clicking on. We both turned, seeing that Shayna was standing on the stage with the mic in front of her in its stand.
"Good evening, everyone! I'm so glad everyone came out in honor of our guest of honor, Kim. I've been her manager for about three years now and I can honestly say that there is no better person to devote my entire waking life for." The room let out a little laugh. "It's such a big accomplishment to headline your own country-wide tour but to sell it out? That's just unheard of. I couldn't be more proud of you, Kim. You aimed for the sky and landed in the stars. Thank you for allowing the rest of us to assist you on this journey of yours." She raised her glass. "To Kimberly!" She toasted.
"To Kimberly." The room murmured around me. I did a polite smile, sipping my drink. On the stage, Tristan appeared next to her and everyone did a polite clap. I was surprised by this as he wasn't usually to speak up like this. Honestly, he was more vocal with everyone at this party than I had ever seen him in our entire relationship. Shayna moved, allowing Tristan to move to the mic. I gave a anxious look in Tommy's direction but he refused to make eye contact with me, instead staring at the beer bottle in hand. Jason and Billy appeared next to him, Jason clapping him on the back. He murmured something into Tommy's ear that I couldn't hear no matter how hard I strained to. Tommy simply shook his head, refusing to look up from the bottle.
"For those of you who might not know by now, Kim and I have been dating for a couple of years. Kim is a bit of a private person so I'm sure she is dying a little inside now." Tristan said, grinning in my direction as he spoke. I wanted to get up there and disconnect the microphone but I didn't. "When I first met Kimberly, she was this eager singer who was just starting out and ready to take on the world. And that she did. Country was never my scene until I joined the band and learned just what it takes to make it in this industry because of the hard work I've watched Kim put forward day after day, show after show. Honestly, I can't even tell you the last time we had any alone time together that didn't involve working on a song or trying to figure out a set list for a show. It's hard to find a more devoted artist when it comes to her fans and giving them one hell of a show every night." He moved on the stage, positioning himself so he could see me directly. "Kim, can you join me on stage?" My mind screamed for me to stand still and not move forward but my body didn't listen as I made the short trip towards the stage. I set my drink down on a small table near it before climbing the steps for the stage. I slowly walked towards him as he reached out a hand towards me. I hesitated, taking it.
"What are you doing?" I asked in a whisper. He smiled at me, giving me a wink.
"The right thing." He replied. "I've loved you since the moment I met you and I know that there's no other person out there for me. You complete me in any way a person could and I love every part of your mind, body, and soul. It only seems like the right thing for me to do this now when everyone we know is here." A sinking feeling filled my chest as I watched in what felt like slow motion as Tristan bent down on one knee, pulling a ring out of the inside pocket of his suit jacket. People in the room gasped, cheers coming from a few. "Kimberly Hart, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" He asked, smiling up at me as he held my hand still in his.
Crap. Crap. CRAP.
Panic set in as I looked down at him. He was PROPOSING? What on Earth gave him the idea that we were remotely close to that step? I couldn't even get myself to want to live with him. He just jumped eighteen steps, landing on a marriage proposal idea. I urged myself to say something as I realized that I was just staring at him in disbelief, a room full of people waiting to hear what my decision was on bated breath.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked away from the microphone. He raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"What?" He asked.
"I just need to speak to you quickly while no one else is watching," I replied. I didn't wait for him to respond before I turned, walking out of the stage area and through a backdoor that led to a hallway. He followed a moment later, looking at me with some worry on his features.
"Kim, what's going on? Is everything okay?" He asked. I turned to face him.
"Why are you proposing to me?" I questioned, ignoring his.
"What?" He looked at me with deep confusion.
"What made you decide to propose to me?"
"I love you?" He answered. I gave him a look. "You said that you wanted to see more of a commitment in our relationship and that we weren't engaged."
"Wait. You are proposing because you think that will make me want you to move in?" I asked. He shrugged.
"Well, I thought it would be something that helped with the decision." He admitted. I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. This couldn't be happening right now. He wasn't listening to that day I talked to him. He heard I wanted more commitment, not that I wasn't ready.
"Tristan, what I meant that day was that I wasn't ready to move in together because I didn't want to move in together." I sighed, leaning against the wall next to me.
"What does that mean?"
"That I don't want to co-exist in the same house right now!" I said, nearly yelling at him and how thick he was being. "I didn't mean that I wanted to run off and get married or anything close to that nature."
"I thought you did." He said softly, looking down at the ring in his two fingers. "I figured you'd want the special proposal with all your friends here. I even asked their permission."
"Wait," I said, shifting to face Tristan fully. "Did you tell everyone you were going to propose tonight?"
"Just your friends. I knew your Dad wasn't in the picture so I thought asking your closest guy friends would be the same as asking your Dad's permission." I covered my face with my hands. Well, that explained Tommy's sudden change of moods after spending time with Tristan. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No. I did." I said, letting my hands drop to my sides. "I haven't been honest with you and it's my fault this happened. Tristan, you are a terrific guy. Literally any girl would be lucky to call you theirs. You're sweet, funny, down to Earth, romantic."
"Why do I get the feeling that these positive things are leading to something negative?" He asked. I sighed, giving him a small smile.
"Because I gave my heart away to someone a very long time ago and no matter how hard I try, my heart has never been able to forget them." I took a deep breath, grabbing Tristan's hands. "I never wanted to hurt you. It was the last thing on my mind. I just can't keep going like this with the intention of leading you on, thinking this could go somewhere that I know it won't. It's not fair to either of us."
"It's Tommy, isn't it?" He asked, eyeing me. Biting my lip, I nodded. "I thought the guy seemed a little off today when I asked them about marrying you. It makes sense now." He looked down at our hands between us. "You still love him?"
"Yeah. I do."
"Does he still love you?" He questioned.
"Well, he says he does," I replied.
"I won't lie and say this doesn't feel shitty but I would never want you to feel pressured into staying with me when there's someone else you clearly want to be with more."
"You can stay with the band. I'd really like you to. I understand if it's too soon or too awkward for you though. I'll help you get out of your contract if you need."
"I think I'll stick around to make sure Tommy treats you right. Besides, you'll never be able to find another guitarist that knows the material so quickly. I really wish you would have said something before I proposed though. I'll feel like an idiot going out there again."
"I will go out if you want. You can just sneak off. I'm sure the rest of the band will come to find you."
"Thanks." He said in a soft voice. "Just so you know, I do love you. I meant everything I said out there."
"I know. That's why I couldn't keep lying to you anymore. You deserve far better than me."
"I'm not sure about that one." He whispered. Leaning in, he kissed the top of my head. "But I hope everything works out for you."
"And for you," I said softly. With a small smile, Tristan walked up the hallway towards the hotel bar area His head and shoulders hung but he didn't hesitate as he walked out of view. I let out a deep breath, grasping my senses. That had gone a lot smoother than I thought it would but now I needed to face the world with it. I walked back through the area where we had come from, finding myself back on the stage. Everyone had started to mingle, talking to each other in hushed voices. It went silent as I reached the mic stand.
"Hi, everyone," I said, smiling. My pals were sweaty and for the first time in a long time, I was nervous in front of a crowd of people. "I apologize for the brief intermission but I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Please enjoy the shrimp cocktail and the open bar." There were more hushed whispers as I jogged down the steps, heading for the exit of the room. I walked around a group of people who all watched me, cameras flashing as I left. I found myself in the hallway outside of the ballroom, feeling like I was able to breathe better. I gripped the skirt of my dress, drying my hands on it. I knew I'd be front page of a tabloid come morning but for now, I needed to find somewhere to have a moment with my damn thoughts. I walked away from the party, heading up the hall until I found an exit that led outside. I pushed the door open, welcoming the night air. Car horns beeped in the distance and I could hear a helicopter somewhere. The door slammed shut behind me, taking the loud music and chatter with it. I found myself in the outdoor patio area, it sectioned off from the rest of the hotel. It seemed to be a private area where parties could be held but it was empty now. There was a circular fireplace with brilliant blue gems in the middle, a fire lit inside of it. Walking over, I sat down on one of the metal chairs that surrounded it with my eyes gazing into the flame. Not only were Tommy and Trini upset with me, I had now ended my relationship with Tristan, one of the last consistent things in my life.
I never felt more alone in my entire life.