He doesn't sleep. It's fine because he usually has too much energy now anyways. But he doesn't sleep for a different reason. And it exhausts him more mentally than physically.
He's going to ask her.
He'll ask.
He will just walk up to her and ask.
She'll tell him.
It will be a silly story. Easily explainable. A misunderstanding or a miscommunication.
She'll ask how he saw.
He'll tell her her phone just lit up and he read them by accident.
Easy. Simple. The truth.
She loves him.
She chose him.
He chose her.
He left her behind.
She's… making new guy friends…
That's fine…
He trusts her.
Maybe it's not a misunderstand or miscommunication… maybe that's just how other people text… He's not a big texter, so what does he know?
Those guy friends are obviously familiar with her… and her clothes… and her coffee habits… and they comment on it. And they obviously hang out and send flirty messages.
Does she send flirty messages back? Is that just their way of being friends?
It's…fine. That's fine.
He trusts her.
He loves her.
She loves him…
And only him?
He doesn't sleep.
"Dude," Bucky snaps at Steve, "what is your deal? You've been tossing and turning for hours now."
Steve stiffens, "sorry."
"Is it the call from Castle? What's up"
Bucky hears Clint wake up, the shift too casual to be done in sleep.
"Oh…" Steve says softly, "yeah, I mean, it's not good. I've got a bounty on me."
Clint sits up, "excu-" he cuts himself off and talks quietly, not wanting to wake up Monty, "excuse me?"
"Morita and Blaze are coming to meet us." He gestures at Clint, "to take your place."
Oh yeah, Clint was going back to the states for a few days since Laura and his family couldn't come to London.
Bucky recounts the story Steve had told him. He still knows there were details left out, but he can guess with the context. "The Ten Rings?"
"Yep." Steve says quietly, "pissed them off. Just like everyone else."
Bucky blinks, "everyone else?"
Steve sits up, his massive frame belying the fact that they're all barely young adults. "Do you think…" He looks at them, true concern and worry in his eyes, "I'm good enough for Peggy?"
Bucky can sense the matching stares of dumb struck expressions on his and Clint's face.
"What?" Clint asks, "what the hell? Of course you are! Who said you weren't?"
Bucky knows Peggy would never say that, "was it Tony? Listen he's just-"
"No." Steve cuts them off, "no, no one said that. I've just been…" he sighs, "thinking."
"Thinking about what?"
"Her… Peter… the rest of the house. I just… left. I made up my mind and wouldn't let anything stop me. And maybe…" he sighs again, arms wrapped around his knees and forehead resting on his forearm, "there are consequences."
The sadness in that statement throws him off, "consequences like what, Steve?"
"Clint's right" His voice is muffled, "I don't have a place in Brooklyn anymore. Not that belongs to me anyways."
Bucky's about to counter argue, looking over in annoyance at Clint, but Clint's already grimacing and looking apologetic. "That's not what I meant to make you feel." the guy says softly, "I was just saying you should… pick a place to call yours."
"You have plenty of people who would let you stay with them." Bucky snaps out, "you belong everywhere."
"You know what I mean." Steve says back, head poking up and eyes staring at the black TV screen. "I don't have a bed that belongs to me. And what's worse… I just left."
"Where is this latent guilt coming from? Is it something Peter said?"
Steve's jaw tightens, "among other things."
"Peter's a kid." Bucky offers gently, "he'll understand one day."
"We're all kids," Steve responds, voice low and sad. "And being left behind isn't something one ever truly learns to understand."
Then he's shifting off the bed and heading to the bathroom. And Bucky isn't sure how someone so massive can look so small all at the same time.
Clint's mind is buffering.
Steve's words echo being left behind isn't something one ever truly learns to understand
"What was that about Carter?" Bucky asks. "The Peter thing I get, I've seen, but Carter being too good for him? That's new. When did that happen?"
Clint shrugs, "I don't know. I've always thought they were a good pair."
"They are. They're literally perfect for each other. So what happened?"
Bucky shrugs and Clint shrugs back.
"A bounty…" Clint says quietly, "how the hell did he manage to get a bounty on him?"
Bucky grimaces, "he's Steve. What terrible situation has he managed to avoid."
Clint groans, "the hell. Maybe I should cancel my trip home."
"No." Bucky cuts off that line of thought. "NO, you gotta go home, see Melissa and Laura. It's fine. We will take care of him, and thankfully, now, he's capable of taking care of himself."
"That's what's so terrifying." Clint huffs out, laying back and closing his eyes.
Bucky can't seem to disagree.
Natasha, Pepper, Peggy, Yelena, Wanda, and Rebecca stay up half the night talking. And when Yelena, Wanda and Rebecca fal asleep halfway through, the older girls move to a quieter part of the room to keep talking.
"So what happened with you and Tony?" Natasha asks, "he was being super cagey about it."
Pepper sighs, "I'm not sure. We were doing really well, he's sweet, even though he pretends he's not." They all laugh, classic Tony, "then one day he just started acting standoffish and he said we were both too busy and gave a bunch of excuses for why we should break up." Her face shows the hurt she must have felt, "I was so caught off guard, like.. Of course we're both busy. BUt we're going to be busy forever… why was now an issue? I don't know, it was a bunch of excuses. But I wasn't going to fight for something he didn't seem to want. So I agreed and we cut it off." She gestures to them, "then I get a call less than two days ago and he's apologizing and admitting he was just a scared idiot and would I please give him another shot and come out to London." She shrugs, :I don't know what changed his mind, but I'm glad…" Pepper smiles softly, "he's an insane, busy, work addicted idiot."
"But he's your idiot." Peggy smirks.
"Aren't they all?" Natasha adds.
"Peggy grins back, "speak for yourself, Steve has never been an idiot."
Natasha laughs, "you haven't known him as long as I have."
They all laugh and Pepper nudges both of them with her toes, "are you guys talking? You know, futures?"
Natasha pretends to be amusedly distracted by her nails, "you mean… am I going to marry the hell of my intelligent and hot as hell soldier? Then yes."
They laugh softly and they turn to Peggy, who is staring fondly at them, "there's not a fellow on this green earth who could ever replace Steve for me. He's simply the most sickeningly perfect man I've ever met. So yes. I'm going to convince him to marry me and I cannot wait to finally rip those clothes from his body."
Delighted chokes of laughter meet her speech and Natasha raises a 'here, here' while Pepper nods, a blush on her cheeks.
Tony's in the hotel bar when he hears familiar voices. He turns to see two of their teammates walking through the lobby. Morita, the guy who hacked into S.I. and Blaze, the hotheaded fighter.
He picks up his drink and ambles over, catching them before they reach reception. "You boys lost?"
They eye him and Morita grins, "hey, Tony Stark, good to see you again."
Blaze eyes him and then the drink. "You seem… flammable."
Tony rolls his eyes, "what are you boys doing here?"
"We're here to escort Steve back when they leave in-" he looks at his watch, "7 hours."
"Why does Steve need an escort?"
They eye him in surprise, then Morita tilts his head, "he didn't tell you or your dad?"
Tony hates those words. "Obviously." he bites out, "or I wouldn't be asking, huh?"
Morita nods, lowering his voice, "we're on watch because one of the most dangerous terrorist organizations in the world just put a bounty on his head. Not that they know who he is. Just blurry camera footage, but he must have pissed them off good, because Raza, the main leader is the one who issued it. So now we're on alert."
"And he didn't think to tell us this!" Tony asks incredulously.
"Think he only found out last night."
Tony remembers the awkward way Steve had been behaving and then leaving the restaurant and seeming off. Okay… so maybe he'd been a bit preoccupied.
"I want to be kept updated." Tony growls out, "tell Castle that's an order from me and my dad."
Blaze snorts, "Castle doesn't give a shit what you and your dad want. And he definitely doesn't take orders."
Tony laughs, too loud, too slurred, drawing eyes. Then he snaps his mouth shut and glares at the guy, pointing a finger into the man's chest, "every weapon, every piece of tech you have is either from us, or run by us. Steve's meals, your transport. I know it's all "army" issue, but the army gets that from… who?" Blaze is narrowing his eyes, "oh yeah, that's right. That big bold word on the side? Learn to read because it says Stark. So how about you tell Castle to keep us updated. Understood Candle boy?"
"Tell Castle yourself." the man snaps back. "'I'm not your messenger boy."
"More's the pity." Tony spits back, leaving them and heading towards the bank of elevators.
Bucky sits up at the knock, but then there's a beep and Tony's walking in, "where's Steve?" He snaps.
Steve sits up, looking exhausted, which is unusual for him. "What?" Steve asks.
"When were you going to tell us you had a freaking psycho put a bounty on your head?"
Steve blinks tiredly, but his voice is even, "today I guess. Yesterday was a big deal for Natasha. I dind't wnat to ruin it."
Bucky sees that Tony has no answer for that. But he's mad about it.
Steve tilst his head, "how did you find out?"
"Morita and the other idiot are in the lobby."
Steve looks at the clock, "they're early."
Bucky eyes the clock. 2:31a.m.
Steve's voice is quiet, "why were you in the lobby, Tony?"
Tony's gaze narrows, "mind your own business Steve."
Clint snorts, and if he hadn't, Bucky would have. "Rich." Clint adds, "coming from you."
"Stop." Steve says, standing and shifting from tired boy to imposing man. "Stop. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of making you mad, Tony. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really am. I want you to do whatever it is that you feel like you need to do. I want you to be happy and healthy and everything." Bucky feels Steve's eyes flash to him, "same with you-" he looks to Clint, "same to you. We've been friends for over 5 years. I don't care what problems come up, or what disagreements we have. Being friends is never going to change. Yes, there's a bounty on my head. A big one. I pissed Raza, the leader of the Ten Rings off. I didn't kill him when I could have. Maybe I should have-" his voice cracks, regret and annoyance and confusion crossing it, "maybe I should have just killed him. I'm sure he deserved it. But I'm not the judge, jury, and the executioner, okay? If I had needed to kill him in self-defense I would have. But he was helpless, weaponless. I wasn't just going to shoot him in cold blood. So I didn't and yeah, look where that's gotten me. But I still don't regret it. And Tony-" he looks back up, "you're going to change the world for the better no matter what you choose to do. Okay? I know that. So please, just…" he sighs, his hands going up in a helpless motion, "please don't be mad at me anymore. I can't lose anymore family."
The whole room is stunned into silence and Bucky can see Monty, now wide awake, staring at them all in surprise.
Tony looks stricken but never one to be caught off guard. He shrugs. "Okay. It's fine, just…" Tony huffs, "stop pissing off big bad guys, Steve. Geez. Like, can't you do anything without getting someone bad after you?"
Steve huffs out a laugh, "I'm not trying. I swear."
"Well be careful." Tony says, "all of you. And I'll see you guys in a few months."
Then Tony's heading out and Steve sinks back to the bed.
"Monty?" Bucky says with a grin, "having fun yet?"
The brit just laughs, "being with you guys is never boring."
They're all packed up, they're about to head to the airport and Clint is rounding up the kiddos into the large rented vans. Sam is hugging Steve and Natasha goodbye at length and Peggy is talking to Morita, Bucky, Blaze and Monty. Pepper and Tony have already left.
Steve and Nat join the other group and Sam comes over, "excited to have you home for a couple of days."
"Me too." Clint grins. "How did the goodbye between Steve and Peter go?" He asks quietly.
Sam wrinkles his nose. "It was pretty reserved. Peter's just going through a rough patch. He'll come around. Steve looked pretty heartbroken about it. I told Bucky to keep an eye. You should too when you get back."
Clint nods. "I will. Steve's…." he wonders how much to divulge, "feeling a bit out of place."
Sam raises an eyebrow, "in what way?"
"When I come home… I have a place at Howard's. It's mine. Bucky has his house." Then a thought strikes him. "Is Natasha's bed taken now too?"
Sam's eyes widen, "yes…"
Clint nods. "It makes sense. It's nothing bad. Just… In fact it's my damn fault for bringing it up. But… Where do they belong when they come home? Where is a place that's theirs?"
"They could stay anywhere."
Clint nods, "I know that. They know that. But they would always be guests. They need a permanent place that's theirs. They'll have to figure that out." He sighs, "I will too. I can't live at Howard's forever. Maybe it's time we start looking for a place that's our own. Each one of us."
Sam looks almost sick to his stomach. "I didn't even think about that. I hope he didn't think-"
"No." Clint cuts him off, "Steve never thought about it like you kicking him out."
Sam looks ready to respond, but then Yelena interrupts saying it's time to go, and Sam nods, face pensive, "we will talk more when we get home," he says quietly before heading towards his seat in the van. Clint goes and hugs Natasha and the rest, saying his goodbyes.
Steve hugs Peggy tightly as she hugs him.
"I can't believe it's going to be another few months before I see you." She huffs good naturedly. "I can't say I love this arrangement."
Steve winces, "I know. I'm sorry."
"You're liable to make a girl think you don't want to see her."
He grasps her hands tightly. "You know that's not true right? Of course I want to see you. All the time."
She laughs. "It's good to be reminded."
"Peggy—" Steve starts, then clears his throat. He's going to ask. Just ask. Just… "— you'd tell me…" he says softly, "if you were unhappy? If…" her eyes are looking at him questioningly. "If you wanted out?"
"Rogers!" Blaze calls, "we gotta go. Car is here."
"Steve?" Peggy asks incredulously. "What are you talking about?"
"You're happy…" he sounds so pathetic. Oh geez, "with me, right?"
Her brow furrows, "what? Of course I am. Why would you ask that? Why would you—"
"You'd tell me? If I was hurting you? Doing something wrong?"
Her expression is perplexed. "Steve, of course I would. But you've never."
And suddenly a deeper fear emerges. What if she loves him but… what if that isn't enough? What if he's not enough for her?
She's studying his face, looking perplexed, "Steve? What is it? What's wrong?"
He's about to respond. To ask. Am I enough? Just me? When Blaze steps into their conversation, "Castle's getting an itchy trigger finger here, Rogers. Say goodbye and get a move on."
Peggy looks ready to retort something fiery but he just nods, "yeah, alright, I'm coming." He looks at Peggy again, "I love you. A lot. You know that, right?"
"Of course I do. And I love you too—"
"I'll see you as soon as I can."
She's nodding and he squeezes her hand and grabs his bag off the sidewalk. He turns and smiles sadly at her, "I'll call you when I can." Then he's following Blaze and getting in the car feeling like a complete idiot.
—
"Hey, you ready?" Natasha asks Peggy who is standing on the sidewalk staring at the car as it drives Bucky and Steve away.
Peggy nods quietly and grabs her small leather backpack, shrugging it over one shoulder.
"Hey," she says softly, sensing something's off. "You alright?"
Peggy looks up, a worried and hurt expression on her face, "he didn't even kiss me goodbye."
Natasha is stunned for a moment, not knowing what to say as the other girl climbs up into one of the vans and closes the door.
—
Usually for debriefs when the majority of the company was on the mission, it's just Castle and the person being debriefed. Debiefs mean free time for those not needing to be there.
Except this one.
Bucky settles beside Morita, who is beside Blaze, who is beside Logan (a rare visit from him) and there's another guy that Bucky doesn't recognize besides Castle. Someone high up that didn't give a name and Bucky doubts he will.
Steve is sitting quietly, eyes on the ground in front of him.
He feels his phone vibrate and he slides answer, hitting speaker. He knows it's Clint wanting to hear the debrief too.
A woman arrives, carrying a court typewriter and Bucky feels all the guys get shifty. Why was this being recorded so formally?
Steve's jaw is tight but he says nothing.
Castle gestures towards Steve. "Begin."
Steve takes a deep breath and starts.
Steve's voice is flat and expressionless through the phone's speaker as he describes the entirety of the mission. Castle asks the occasional clarifying question and Steve answers. Sometimes Steve tells the truth. Sometimes Clint can tell Steve is telling the his truth. And sometimes he straight up answers, "not relevant."
Castle usually tries to disagree, Steve does not give in. They reach a stalemate, and then move on.
"-And then I left him there. Taking Bucky back to our small camp. Where eventually we got a hold of someone and they came and picked us up. The end."
"No."
Clint blinks. That's Morita.
"No what, Jim?"
"You left again." Morita says, "another time."
Steve sighs and sighs again before explaining how he got the drive. "Then that's the end. Actually." Steve's a bit snappish and Clint can just tell he's glaring at Morita.
Clint finally looks up to see Howard and Tony standing in the doorway. Staring at the phone with wide unseeing eyes. He wonders how long they've been there. Hopefully the whole time.
He'd put it on speaker on purpose, and angled himself so it would be "realistic" that he wouldn't "notice" them. He had wanted Tony to hear it, even though he didn't know the whole of it either, but he just knew they needed to know.
Clint hangs up. Texting a quick "thanks" to Bucky and then looking at the two.
Howard looks sick to his stomach and Tony doesn't seem to be faring much better.
"He has a bounty on his head." Clint informs them. "1 million dead. 2 million alive."
Howard lets out a curse as he runs a hand through his hair and stalks off. Presumably to the lab.
Tony is glaring at the phone resting on the bed.
Clint waits patiently in silence.
Then Tony just walks away, saying nothing.
Clint gets ready to go meet Laura.
"Rogers," the man he doesn't recognize says, "the man had threatened you multiple times, tried to kill you and Barnes multiple times, threatened to come after you and is one of the worst terrorists on the planet. And you left him alive?"
Steve's jaw cracks, "I'm not going to shoot an unarmed man."
The man stands, "then every death he causes from here on out is on your head. Castle. I'll expect your full report on my desk by tomorrow."
Then he's leaving and Steve feels stunned. He hadn't thought of it that way…
He looks up catching Castle's expression. Which is grim and unyielding.
Which means he probably agrees.
"Castle." He hears Bucky snap, "that's not true and you know it."
Steve stands, "no, Buck. he's right." and words that make him absolutely nauseous cross his lips, "I should have just killed him." Then he ignores the protests and walks out the room, down the hallway, out of the building and straight towards the fenceline knowing he can jump it without issue. He does so, and then he's running towards the treeline and not looking back.
Bucky is already standing, having tried to stop Steve from leaving, then he turns, jabbing a finger at Castle, "I don't pretend to not know who you are. I know you. Frank Castle. More kills, more bloodshed than almost any other military man in existence. I know you think making the hard choices means you're making the right ones. But fuck you for letting that jackass say that to Steve! There are rules of war and I don't give a shit that we're a specialized team with no oversight! We still should have a moral code." He huffs and waves an angry hand at the group, "Steve is 19! He's nineteen! He shouldn't be being ordered to kill someone in cold blood! Ever! Not at any age! And then being blamed for a psycho's own killing spree? Fuck you guys! It's not Steve's fault Raza kills. It's Raza's." Then he yanks his jacket off his chair and glares at them, "he saved all of your lives, my life, and the only thanks he gets is 'hey maybe you should have also blown that guys brains out while you had that chance'!?" He turns to Castle and looks him straight in the eye, "Fuck you. That's not leadership." Then he's slamming out the door and after Steve.
Natasha hears her phone go off to the side of the stage, just a quiet buzz. She walks over and picks it up, seeing Bucky's name. She glances up, watching their director give notes to other dances. So she slides answer, "hello?"
It's quiet and she gets worried, "Bucky?"
"I'm here."
"What's wrong?"
"Just cussed out my leader. But he deserved it. Can't find Steve."
She steps further behind the dark curtains, "What! And what!?"
"He took off, after the stupid head guy told him he should have killed some guy in cold blood."
"What-"
"The worst part is-" there's a huge huff of annoyance in Bucky's voice, "-Steve felt so guilty about it that he actually agreed. But not really. Because he took off a minute later and now I can't find him and I'm just-" she can hear him gritting his teeth, "-tell me something good."
Bucky-"
"Nat, please. Distract me so I don't go rip into those idiots some more."
She thinks for a moment and then grins, "remember Steve's sophomore year?"
"Yes. I thought I said something good-"
"Hush." She admonishes, "did you know that Steve forged Sam's signature to go on a field trip?"
She hears a pause, "what?"
"He was sort of forgetful that year, remember? Lots of change and adjustment. And they were going to this art museum so of course Steve really wanted to go, but when they asked for permission slips, Steve realized he didn't have it signed. And he's artistic right? So he forged Sam's signature."
"How did I not know about this!?"
"Only reason I know is because I overheard Steve apologizing to Sam for it."
Buk=cky huffs, "he told Sam he did it?"
"Of course he did. It's Steve. He broke the rules and immediately came clean after the fact. Forgiveness not permission. Sort of Steve's style." Bucky's laughing, a weak relieved sort of laugh.
"You're right." Bucky says with a sigh, "he's never let anything get him down yet."
"Not even death."
Bucky's voice is quiet but more stable, "not even death."
"Go find him. Tell him hello for me."
"Thanks Nat."
Tony stares.
"You did it." His dad says with a grin, "design, engineering, production, completion. All you."
The words stamped on the side, Stark Industries, make him grin. '"I did. I did it."
"The Jericho Missile is a great name. Jealous I didn't think of it first."
Tony laughs, then he rolls his shoulder and runs a hand over the outer shell casing, "So what now?"
Howard shrugs, "you want me to reach out to my contacts? I'm sure there's a few branches of the military who would be interested. Unless you're wanting to make sales calls yourself?"
"Define sales calls?"
His dad laughs, "usually it means jetting around the world. Boring right?"
Tony rolls his eyes and hears a beep. He turns back to the laptop he'd brought and clicks the notification.
"What's that?" his dad asks.
"Just doing a deep dive on the Ten Rings guy. I managed to hack into some dark web networks and find the bounty. Castle was right, it's barely usable footage. Someone would have to know Steve personally to know it's him, so the threat is probably minor. But this Raza guy… he's a piece of work. Definition of power hungry bastard."
"I hate that Steve is always the target. How does that happen?"
"No idea. Kid's got the worst luck in the world. But I'm hoping to wipe this Raza guy off the map first. No love lost between the world if the Ten Rings is blown to smithereens."
His dad points to the missile, "well, you're sure halfway there."
Tony nods, "just need to find this guy's hidey hole and point the American military there first."
"I'd wonder why you think you can find him first when the American military has been searching for years but…" His dad shrugs and grins at him, "I don't wonder at all. Go get him."
Tony grins, turning back to his computer.