Chapter 2• Hold back
"30 days…...jeez… that's got to be a record"
I was muttering to myself, but that wasn't anything new.
I often talked to myself whenever I had something on my mind, just hearing it out loud made me feel better.
It's usually just an inaudible whisper when I was actually doing a rescue or a repair, since I always had to have a clear plan for my next moves.
But I'm louder when I'm alone, or rather, when I think I'm alone.
My most embarrassing moments with the PAW Patrol weren't the times when I'd end up accidently falling into or otherwise unexpectedly soaked by large quantities of water (everyone on the team had accepted my aquaphobia).
In actuality, nothing made me feel worse than the few instances when one of the pups walked in on me talking to myself.
I never knew how to react, I'd blush, stutter, or try to change the subject usually.
The looks on their faces would vary.
Marshall and Zuma would normally laugh while Chase would look somewhat concerned.
Rubble would ask if everything was alright, which was par for the course given his caring nature.
And Skye, well…. Let's just say her reactions were all over the board. And therefore, the most painful.
My thoughts were interrupted by the familiar *Bleep-Bleep* of my pup tag, which was buried under a blanket.
I groaned as the blazing noon sun hit my eyes.
Why is it still so hot out?, I thought to myself.
"Hey Rocky, Good morn-uh, Afternoon!", Marshall said as he barreled towards the elevator.
"Hey Marshall, watch out for the-"
Too late.
Marshall slipped on a chew toy and went careening into the elevator. Thankfully, the others were bringing up the rear, leading to one of the rare instances where we could make a joke about Marshall instead of him making one about himself.
"Tut-tut, Marshall", Chase wagged a finger, "we won't be your bowling pins today".
The others looked to one another before bursting into laughter (at Chase's expense).
I smiled.
"Chase…. did you just say 'tut-tut'?", Skye asked unable to hold back a grin.
Marshall laughed as he righted himself.
"Wow Chief, I would have thought my grandma were here with that kind of vocabulary", Zuma chimed.
This led to a chorus of genuine laughter.
Chase blushed, everyone could tell he hated the awkward moments when he missed the mark.
I smiled and this time, Chase noticed.
He cleared his throat, "Well, Rocky liked my joke".
The entire line looked down at me.
I was surprised and flustered because they all had the same look in their eyes.
It wasn't condescending, but they were all on the same page. Halfway between pity and concern, but they were all too nice to let it show in its entirety.
It was only a glance of a few seconds. It didn't matter though; I hated that look.
This is my family, I'm supposed to be at home here, so why do I feel so awful? I thought.
The elevator had already opened at the top floor, which gave me the perfect chance to escape the discomfort of the moment.
I dashed to my position in the lineup and the rest followed. Jobs to do, people to save, etc.
I hadn't given much thought to my appearance, which must have contributed to their concern.
I had literally just rolled out of bed so my fur was messy and out of sorts, plus I had been eating my late breakfasts at a specific café in town, which would have to wait due to the mission.
I laughed at myself in my own head. No way I'm actually going out today, I thought.
But I couldn't lie, a small part of me was begging to be sent to fish Daring Danny out of a ditch, or help Alex with a science project, or watch Chickaletta for the Mayor.
Something. Anything.
Ryder briefed us on the situation.
All Paws on Deck.
Chase got a job, Marshall got a job, Zuma got a job, Skye got a job, Rubble got a job.
Of course. Whether it was a One-rescue day or a 7-rescue day, nothing changed.
"Rocky!", Ryder said, snapping me out of it.
I looked up to the screen, it was green.
"What?", I accidently said out loud.
It had been so long since I'd actually seen my tag on the screen.
"You're with me, Rocky", Ryder said. "Chase, you're in charge of the rescue".
"These paws uphold the laws, I won't let you down Ryder sir", he replied.
I followed Ryder down to his vehicle bay, but the door didn't open.
Of course, I wasn't going on the REAL mission, how could I have been so stupid? I thought.
Ryder was only doing this because he felt bad for me, and it took a month for him to find an excuse.
It wasn't like I was complaining, my most pleasant memories with Ryder were dominated by the times we'd go on and on about what tools could get which job done best.
Fall breezes, Spring showers, Summer afternoons, the first hints of Winter, every landmark of time's passing always stuck in my memory when I was with Ryder.
Though he loves us all equally, I feel like I spend the most time with him. Fixing things.
He strolled over to the toolbox and handed me an Allen wrench.
"It's been a while since we've done this", he said.
"Mm hmm", I huffed after settling in under his ATV.
"Rocky….", he sighed as he slid the rolling board I was laying on from under his vehicle.
"I know you've been having a hard time lately. I mean, missing breakfast isn't like you"
I pouted.
Ryder always spoke in such a caring fashion that was both soft and firm. It made it hard to disagree with whatever he was saying. Arguing with him was virtually impossible.
I decided to deny it.
"I…just... haven't been as hungry- indigestion and stuff like that"
He raised an eyebrow.
"You know, one of the things that makes my job so rewarding is seeing you pups loving what you do", he said.
I blinked.
He went on, "You're all knowledgeable about the roles you play. You all are so talented, but you stay in your lanes, which collectively makes you a force to be admired."
"Yeah, I know it, do one thing and do it well", I said.
"But that's the thing Rocky, you're a lot more like me than the others", Ryder said.
I looked at him, He'd never said anything like that to me before.
"So, you're saying I make a good mechanic?", I scoffed, "maybe I can go out and find a 'real job'".
As soon as I said that, I knew it was too much. It probably hurt him to hear any reference to a pup leaving the PAW Patrol.
He put his hand on my head and knelt down.
Whatever he said next, I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold myself together. Everything he'd said was right.
"No Rocky, you're different because you can't stand to sit still and do nothing, even if you aren't out and about. Just because I'm the leader doesn't mean I'm always necessary to the missions. Just take today for instance."
He looked straight into my soul with those wise eyes. I felt really stupid, but I knew that I had a valid point.
"It's.…. not important", I lied.
"You sure buddy? Remember we're all family and you can tell us anything."
Ryder paused, "You can tell ME anything".
I nodded and slid back under the ATV, hiding the tears that I could feel bubbling over.
I'm positive he saw them, but I knew he wasn't going to push me- that's just the kind of person he is.
Around 30 minutes later we'd fixed the cracks in the vehicle frame, no problems there. Transition was fine, lights worked, vehicle transformation could be accessed as needed.
The pups had arrived just as Ryder and I left the garage.
Perfect, I thought.
They were all giggling about something, it was likely something to do with why Chase and Marshall were covered in soot. Chase coughed and a visible cloud of black puffed out of his mouth.
"Hey Ryder", Rubble laughed, maybe you should put me in charge next time.
I smiled, but inside my throat was getting THAT feeling. (You know the one).
"All's well sir", Chase said, "I told you I could handle it"
I felt my cheeks get hot, then my breath.
What's wrong with me?
I'm pathetic, I thought.
I can't believe I'm this jealous, I'm missing out and I know it.
Ryder words roared in my head. I could tell him anything and I knew it.
"What did you two get up to while we were gone?", Skye asked Ryder.
That tone in Skye's voice was going to be the nail in the coffin.
This wasn't just jealousy; it was turning towards despair.
The PAW Patrol was my everything, all my core memories were related to this tower on our hill. And my family was creating new memories now, memories that I wasn't a part of. I was missing it.
Damn it, hold it together Rocky, I was screaming at myself in my own head. I could feel the tears again.
I'm an analytical thinker, but I'm also in tune with my emotions. I could tell I was about to explode.
"Well we were-", Ryder stopped.
He noticed, then they all did.
"Rocky", Zuma started, "are you?"-
"NO!", I shouted. I couldn't hold back anymore. Tears shot out of my eyes like a waterfall and I buried my head in Ryders chest.
Me, the PAW Patrol's most experienced repair and recycling pup was sobbing in front of everyone.
Ryder held me close, I'm sure he would have wanted something like this to happen in private but then was better than never.
The others gathered around me, but I couldn't bring myself to look just yet.
But then I felt a paw on my back, then two.
I was sure the other pups knew I was going through it, but there is nothing that can prepare you for actually seeing a friend break down.
"Aw, Rocky", Ryder wiped my tears away.
Rubble whimpered, "Rocky, please tell me I didn't do anything". It looked as if he were about to cry too.
"No, no… nobody did anything wrong. It's just…...I feel like you guys don't need me anymore", I confessed.
Everyone was shocked.
Chase, who was right in front of me, started, "That's silly Rocky, we wouldn't be complete without you."
Everyone nodded.
"Yeah, I mean, nobody would know what to do if the city power grid overloaded again, like… nobody", Skye said.
I chuckled, but then frowned. I wiped my tears and looked up to Ryder then looked back down towards the ground.
"No, the team is perfect, really- but", I struggled.
"I don't do what they do. Everyone has some super impressive whammy statistic!"
I looked at Marshall, "Marshall, you've literally saved 50 lives this month, the partial apartment collapse, the brewery fire, the cats in trees, it's literally all the hospitals talk about. 100% success rate!"
He blushed, then I turned to Zuma.
"Zuma, you've taken the adventure bay beach safety grade from C to A+, and it's stayed that way every summer, they've literally laid off 90% of the Lifeguard staff since that first day you hit the water"
Zuma couldn't deny.
"Rubble, it seems like every time I look at the skyline I see a new project of yours, I mean you've built this city into what it is now. None of the collapses and violations have ever been any one of your buildings".
"Well, I guess that is true", Rubble said with his paw behind his head.
The others shot him a look and he lowered it.
"Erm… not to toot my own horn", he added.
"Chase, I mean…. Where do I begin. You're lead pup for a reason. Crime, investigations, crowd control, that's all you. We haven't had so much as a shoplifting in the past year. That's absolutely UNPRESCIDENTED".
"Well, yes…. But, I-", Chase tried to string something together.
"Skye, you're our eyes almost every time something gets out of hand. And still, you've solved every missing person's case within 20 minutes of it being called in. Every runaway kid, every spooked farm animal, and every time Alex accidentally fell into Mr. Porter's fruit baskets".
The others smiled, then frowned when they saw I was still upset.
Skye looked down, then said, "but Rocky-"
"There's nothing to be done, that's just the way it is", I looked back at Ryder, "I don't have a whammy statistic, I'm just here…taking up space".
One last tear fell, then I was spent.
"Rocky", Ryder said, "you've done so much for everyone here, the people love you".
"Plus, recently we've all had help, people aren't as dependent on us anymore and I haven't seen the far side of town since the police watch force was established", Chase said. "You're one of a kind buddy".
"Okay chief, let's not talk to him like he's a baby", Zuma said.
"I wasn't, I wouldn't dream- I mean- I was-just", Chase stammered.
I interrupted, "It's fine…. I know you didn't mean it like that".
"Good", Chase smiled, relieved.
I could tell the others wanted to say something, but Ryder knelt down again.
"You know Rocky, you're right", he said sweetly, "the others are amazing because of their experience- and their tools. You're no different. But you have something additional, your value doesn't just lie in muscle memory, but in your head."
"No doubt about that", said Marshall.
"Yeah, lord knows I'd fall asleep if I even tried to read those giant schematic books you read all the time", said Rubble.
I thought about it for a moment, Ryder had done it again.
"GROUP HUG!", Yelled Zuma. And before I could brace myself, I was engulfed in a ball of fur and laughter.
But still, as I sat there, secured, and comforted by the people I loved most, nothing had changed.
I was still pushing the longest inactive streak the Patrol had ever seen.
I wanted to look at it from a different perspective, more like Ryder's way.
But that wasn't how it was going to go.
***End of Chapter 2***