Chapter 21• Hindsight
Quick Note: Without giving too much away, I want to issue a slight heads-up here for this chapter's exploration of themes like intense anxiety, alienation, low self-esteem, and things of that sort.
Apologies if the presence of these themes have been addressed in ways that have been less-than-satisfactory beforehand. I hope you all enjoy the read.
/
*Day 12 of Origenes Crisis*
Date: October 27th
/
The rehearsal date had finally come, and I was undoubtedly the most excited I had ever been.
It was like Christmas morning, and it was so much better because I knew I wouldn't have to face the most nerve-wracking reality until the day after.
I wanted to save all of my anxiousness for the day we would actually launch.
The times were a little off, since the real launch-day routine would have us suiting up at 8:30- 4 hours before launch.
We were told specifically to eat on our own and wait in our rooms until someone came to get us.
So, there I sat, staring at the clock. When it turned to 9am, a knock came from the outside.
I opened the door and jumped.
I was expecting Sophie, but I was instead greeted by an orange-furred golden retriever that I'd never seen before.
"So sorry to wake you, but I'd get in trouble if I didn't", he laughed, his tail wagging through our introduction.
"Oh, it's alright, I'm actually getting used to…well, waking up early. Plus, I wouldn't feel right if I got you in trouble", I said.
I followed this new pup to an elevator, and he pressed a button to take us down.
"I know there's no way to see everyone, but I try to take extra care to remember the canine employees I see. We haven't met, have we?", I asked.
"You have a good eye, I'm actually a new hire believe it or not", he replied, "It's going to take a lot of people to make sure tomorrow goes smoothly. My brother works in mission control, actually."
"Wow, be sure to thank him for me when you get the chance", I said.
By the time I looked out of a window, I saw that almost everything had changed.
Empty spectator space had seemingly sprung up all over the place, as if hundreds of seats had been dropped from the sky overnight. Everywhere I looked reminded me of massive auditoriums without roofs.
There's nothing that can simulate the sensation of a thousand sets of eyes following you.
After a brief tram-ride, I was led into the suit-up room of the Neil Armstrong Operations and Checkout building. (The famous one that the astronauts always walk out of).
The massive digital clock on the wall sat at T- 4:00:00 (4 hours).
We would not be changing into our real suits, but the backups functioned the exact same.
They were plain, and almost identical to the ones we'd used for our underwater exercises.
Arlo and Weston showed up a few minutes behind me.
"Where in the world are those Apollo-era Lazyboys?", Arlo asked as soon as he took a look around, "I was very much looking forward to sitting on those."
There were scattered laughs throughout the room.
I smiled at his words, though the 'joke' didn't really register.
I was too busy taking it all in.
The room itself was wide and spotless.
Futuristic-looking dials adorned grey machines on the walls.
I had seen the room many times in the old videos, but it slowly sunk in that I was there.
Actually there.
I'm actually here, I thought. Not a summer camp, or a rescue, I'm actually here!
It took everything I had to suppress the giddy laugh that welled up inside of me.
The three of us all went to our designated seats to be helped into our suits.
Soon, 7 NASA technicians surrounded each of us.
They began checking us, re-checking, asking us if we were comfortable, then checking again.
The vicious cycle continued until I was all suited up.
It didn't fit like any of the suits Ryder had made for us back home, but it was surprisingly comfortable on-land, if a bit heavy.
We repeatedly checked each other's comms, just like on underwater training days. I could hear Arlo and Weston, they could hear me, and we could all hear our "launch" control.
Before I knew it, the clock had started to tick down, and we were walking outside.
I couldn't help but look around to see if I was supposed to be doing anything special, but the suit technicians around me faced forward- stone-like expressions on their faces.
The doors were already open for us.
At this point, the multitude of technicians around us stood to the side and let the three of us walk through.
I got my first good look at Arlo and Weston in their suits.
They looked amazing!
Suddenly, my silent helmet was filled with noise.
*Click*
"Astros at the door, we're sending them towards the astro-van. Copy depart?"
*Beep*
"Copy."
Mr. Kingsley was talking to who I assumed to be launch control, but the voices were slightly distorted by the sound.
We walked out and the sunlight hit our visors. All three of us stepped back in unison, but gathered ourselves and walked past the empty spectator space.
My suspicions were confirmed, as Mr. Kingsley stood grinning in front of the huge vehicle that would take us three to the launchpad.
To my surprise, we found the other six astros there waiting for us too.
All nine of us stood together, for the very first and very last time.
The Reserve crew of Soot, Raisel, and Reece- The Backup crew of Callum, Walt, and Lucille- And the Prime crew of Arlo, Weston, and I.
There was a slight differentiation from how the next day would go, as we would only see the reserve crew in passing if at all- since they would accompany the other NASA engineers in the closeout check before we would arrive to the rocket.
On that day, the extra technician crew that would be stationed at the other side of the premises, would conduct those checks instead.
Only myself, Arlo, Weston, Walt, Callum, and Lucille were in our suits, as they (the backups) would be waiting to fill in if any of my crew got sick, experienced a suit issue, or just couldn't do it.
Excluding one of these emergency scenarios, we definitely wouldn't see the backup crew, as they would stay in their own suit-up room and remain there until launch, if they weren't needed beforehand.
The nine of us looked at one another. Arlo was already smiling at our confidants.
Some smiled back, others remained aloof.
Soot gave me a wink.
The few NASA workers that were there applauded and cheered. That was enough to get the entire nine smiling, as it was a genuine showing of encouragement for our achievements and wasn't exactly necessary.
A few snapped pictures with their own cell phones, but there was no other documentation I could see beyond the security cameras.
We were instructed to stand next to our convoy of NASA vans, lined up in our crews of three in descending order of rank, as Dr. Rosen joined Kingsley in front of us.
Dr. Ulrich was mysteriously absent.
"This is the part where you'd be waving to the crowd, saying bye to family, and posing for the 'teeth' of the media- as we're calling it", said Dr. Rosen.
Mr. Kingsley pointed to the newly erected barrier across from us.
"That's where the big camera's will be", he smiled, we'll just fast-track this part. The driver's already in the seat, but tomorrow he'll walk out with you.
It was an odd moment when we passed the other crews, half suited and half not.
"Good luck gents!", Walt remarked, and tapped the side of my suit as I went past.
We nodded and hopped aboard.
Kingsley entered through the back door along with our head suit technician.
After a brief 2-minute process of connecting our suits to the seats, we were off.
Neither Weston nor Arlo spoke, not even to our fellow astros. I almost worried that they were mad at me for some reason, if not at each other.
It was almost unbearable. The PAW Patrol's "Get up and GO!"- manner of action had spoiled me, it seemed.
It was the -not knowing when you might be called to help an Adventure Bay resident- that I had gotten used to for most of my life.
Everything seemed to be moving so fast, up until that momentary pause.
"Hey", one of the technicians said, "You doing okay? You look like a deer in headlights."
"Oh, I'm fine", I said.
I couldn't stop myself from looking around, unaware of the likely distraught look on my face. Still, I wasn't nervous.
The wheels began to turn, and we were off.
Thank goodness.
The road we took to the pad was one of two on either side of the large gravel path that the crawler had taken to deliver the rocket to its resting place.
Huge lines in the gravel showed where the massive treads had crushed the gravel into sand.
As excited as I was, it didn't feel exactly right. Almost as if I were still dreaming, but I knew I wasn't.
I was supposed to be excited, but I remained in that floaty state between surreal dreaminess and the heavy responsibility of my fate. Or rather, facing the consequences of my decision to go through with it.
It felt…...too soon, like I needed more time to process things.
We had been, metaphorically, drinking from a fire hose, especially regarding the information that we had to internalize before we moved onto the "next item on the agenda."
Yet, only during the drive did I feel as though I had missed something.
What the heck's up with you, Rocky?, I thought to myself, We're awake, we've walked out, your suit is on- get a grip and act like it!
The 23-minute drive was there and gone, and I was again surrounded once the wheels stopped.
We were unhooked from our seats and left the vehicle.
I shimmied out of the opened doors, the sun ambushing me the moment I stepped a foot back from the van.
That is going to take some getting used to, I thought.
While I was waiting for my vision to clear, I accidently bumped into both Weston and Arlo.
We all had the same idea.
We stood together, just staring at the marvelous rocket against the blue sky.
Weston, who hadn't seen it close-range like Arlo and I had, was absolutely taken aback.
"Videos don't do this thing justice at all, huh?", he said.
"No, not one bit", Arlo replied.
We had to communicate through our radios, as we'd been instructed to do for the entire simulation.
Our comms once again clicked in and we heard the conversation between launch control and Mr. Kingsley confirming our arrival.
The small 'back-and-forths' in our ears would be constant, and Arlo would be the one doing the main communicating on our behalf.
Still, the comm-checks with launch control were meant to establish that all of us could get in touch with them if something went wrong.
Otherwise, Weston and I would have to go through Arlo, since only Arlo's radio could be heard across all of the available channels.
We walked to the crew tower elevator and ascended. This time, only a team of 7 went up with us, leaving the rest below with our crew transport van.
As we went up the speedy elevator, I couldn't help but think about taking the lookout lift alongside the pups.
This time though, I didn't have to worry about making sure we were in the right order or Marshall careening into anyone.
The doors opened at the top where we still had a flight of stairs to go.
We walked past the Ziplines and turned a corner.
I paused for a second and looked over the railing.
The view was spectacular; the glade lands turning into the Atlantic Ocean, which stretched as far as the horizon.
Once we were up the stairs, we entered the crew arm- 177 feet off the ground.
While heights definitely bothered me, it wasn't anything compared to the idea of falling into the ocean.
Although we wouldn't be directly above it until the real launch, it seemed so much deeper there.
Although I spent a fair share of my time staring at the ocean back in Adventure Bay, it wasn't the same.
The blue was so much deeper. Unlike a beach, it was more akin to a cliff- just dropping into dark nothingness.
I continued looking out as we walked across the bridge to our final checkpoint before we'd get into the actual crew module.
We went in order- Arlo, Weston, and me- into the white room.
Rehearsal purposes dictated we just come as we were, but that didn't stop us from being brushed down and spritzed with disinfectant. They began work on opening the command module up before yet another suit-check.
The NASA technicians had to check the pressure through the hatch and keep it compatible with our suits after putting us in.
Mr. Kingsley, ever-animated, was gesticulating wildly to his technician team and pointing to tech member number 5, who was stationed right at the hatch.
We would get periodic updates from Launch control that it was taking a little while to get things ready, an issue on their end, and that we'd be onward "soon-ish."
The entire process took a grueling 20 minutes.
But once we were finally set, I got to go in first.
The seats inside of the cockpit were situated so that Weston and Arlo were closest to the display of levers, switches, and the two mighty touch screens that made up the console. I was positioned between them, slightly behind.
I was lifted to my seat, which was closest to the hatch.
The fit was snug, but the suit umbilical had to go into the port underneath the seat before I could actually strap in, neither of which I could do without assistance.
Arlo came in next, as the leftmost seat was for the commander, and Weston sat in last.
Then, our dear technician friends went back to work for thirty more minutes until we were completely in.
Mr. Kingsley came to the open hatch and gave us all two thumbs up, which we returned as best we could in our bulky gloves.
While the hatch remained open, our seats turned to their launch-ready positions, making us parallel to the ground.
As soon as I'd been strapped in, I felt very unsafe. My spine was flush against the back of my seat, but there was no wiggle room to speak of.
It took 40 minutes since we'd first sat down for the team to shut and pressure-check the hatch, but we'd reached the final step at last.
Then it was waiting…the excruciating waiting for nothing to happen- for two and a half hours.
By that time, we'd only get updates over radio, with me being the least likely to get any direct calls.
As we sat, though, we all got in touch with the members of the launch control personnel that would be directly responsible for talking to each of us.
This was one conversation I could hear.
First voice from Launch control: "Hey there Astro MC (mission commander) 1, how do you read?"
*Beep
Arlo: "This is Astro 1, I hear you loud and clear, over!"
*Beep
"Good to hear, keep that energy up for us!"
*Beep
Second voice from Launch control: "Astro LP (Lander pilot) 2, how's life at the control's treating you?"
*Beep
Weston: "Peachy."
*Beep
"Alright, hang in there."
*Beep
"Will do."
*Beep
Third voice from Launch control: "Astro MS (Mission Specialist) 3, you hear us alright?"
*Beep*
"Yessir, I do, absolutely," I said, trying to sound enthused.
*Beep
"That's what we like to hear, just shoot back if anything changes", he said.
The total number of people involved on rehearsal day numbered just over 1,000 but launch-day would require quadruple that number between Mission control in Houston, the Payload Operations and Integration Center, and the on-site staff at Kennedy launch control.
Thinking about it made my head spin, but Arlo wouldn't let Weston and I off the hook.
"Did you all know that Russians apparently hit Mars back in the day? There wasn't anyone on the craft and it only crashed into the surface-it didn't do a fancy landing or anything, but it's kinda crazy to think about."
…..
"I think they also landed on Venus- yeah, I remember! I'm not just making that up, that probe actually took pictures before it was crushed by the insane atmosphere."
….
He kept coming up with random facts and questions to keep us engaged.
"We actually launch from Cape Canaveral to take advantage of the Earth as it spins. The linear velocity of the Earth's surface is greatest at the equator; so when we launch east we follow the same direction as the Earth's rotation."
"Are you practicing what you're gonna say tomorrow? Like, teaching the kids who want to be astronauts or something?", Weston asked.
At first, I didn't want to distract anyone by talking too much over comms, but I eventually started asking questions.
The short conversations over the radio and the random checks with our respective people in the control room managed to move time forward.
During another long period of radio silence, Weston asked, "I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to learn about the 'most intimate' aspects of each other's lives during the downtime of our spaceflight- but does our fearless commander have any tales of greatness from the years spent in the space-flight industry?"
"Plenty, I actually saw an incredible test flight during my first weeks on the job. This craft would spend its entire pre-launch life on wheels. Don't ask me how, but it would be either pushed or pulled across the launchpad right at the end of its countdown and light like a giant matchstick", he said.
"Wow, I wonder if they'll ever re-visit that idea", I said with a laugh.
"Well, the Shuttle kinda lit like a giant Bunsen burner- Cygnus is a lot better I think, it's a lot different- as you both know…", Arlo replied.
I couldn't help but smile as he went on and on.
Arlo was definitely the lead role at that point, there was no doubt about it.
Checking the screens, flipping switches, and nodding as if he were teaching a college course on how to ready a rocket for flight.
Watching him was the only thing keeping me awake at that point.
He was constantly moving, swift and deliberate.
He even knew that, from my angle, I wouldn't be able to see the console completely.
So, he would hold up his paw in accordance with the hour over his right shoulder- two for two, a one followed by a fist for one and a half, and so on.
Some commands, however, couldn't be conveyed unless we established some kind of sign language or morse code.
Arlo clicked back in to tell me that we'd hit the T minus 53-minute mark.
Then, we all heard the time-check for the start of fueling.
Both Arlo and NASA needed to test the various pressures, so actual fuel was pumped in.
In an odd way, we could actually feel the craft getting heavier as it went on.
It took 33 minutes for us to reach 60% capacity, which put us at T minus 20 minutes to launch.
What made this milestone so important was that, once we started fueling- we were totally committed. The process was fixed timewise, though it could be stopped, no-one could change T minus 0 once we'd begun the fueling process.
At the tail-end of the process, cold steam puffed out of various corners of the craft near the massive tanks. By the time it was done, we'd reached our final weight of 6.7 million pounds at liftoff time.
Just after Arlo had audibly told me that we were 15 minutes out from "launch", a voice spoke to all three of us at the same time.
"Alright crew, we're at about that time. You can raise your visors to flight-position-over", said our launch operations manager, Dr. Charles Dotson.
We were all becoming familiar with his voice since his communications always came through everywhere regardless of the channel.
*Beep
"Thanks Charles, visor order is in work", Arlo replied.
Our helmets had an interior filter, kind of like a small sliding window that we could toggle in and out of position.
Once it was raised, it was like looking at the world in true color after having sunglasses on for hours.
It was sort of odd, having an extra layer of glass actually improve your vision and perception of color rather than removing the tinted layer.
It was technology like I'd never seen, and I knew it wasn't even the coolest part yet.
Dr. Dotson's voice came back soon thereafter and said the words I'd been waiting desperately to hear.
"Alright, there's T minus 10 minutes here, This is launch control- Last GO For launch", he said.
"Copy that, Go for launch!", Arlo said.
Hearing that was nearly too much, but for a second, I forgot everything aside from the fact that I'd soon be in space.
At that point, I barely cared about how bored I had been.
I was an astronaut that had been cleared for Launch!
My heartrate sped up. My tail tried to wag, but there was no space.
We stopped at 1:30pm, when the timer sat at T-00:00:00.
Terribly anti-climactic, but we had to do everything to ensure that the next day's launch went smoothly.
We then sat for the 40- Minute Propellant offloading (de-fueling) of our spacecraft and for the subsequent disarming of the launch escape system.
The crew access arm, which had only temporarily swung away from the cockpit, once again re-connected us to the tower and our dear technician team crossed the bridge and started working on getting the hatch opened.
In all honesty, I had become surprisingly comfortable in the space, and when I was finally helped out of my seat I almost didn't want to leave.
When we all finally left our seats the technician team applauded and praised us as we smiled, waved, and shook their hands.
All in all, that made the day a triumph for all of us.
We walked down the stairs, descended the elevator, hopped back into the huge vehicle that had brought us, and we were being helped out of our suits in the suit-up room before we knew it.
I felt like I'd ripped 100 pounds off of my back when I finally stepped out of my garments and shook out my fur.
Weston and Arlo were already waiting when I strolled into a debrief with Kingsley.
He was excited, but upset that things still weren't as "silky smooth" as he wanted them.
"You all did great, it's not you I'm angry at, but every NASA mission has to go off without a hitch- or else I'm not happy", he said.
We assured him that the team seemed collected and capable throughout the entire process.
I could tell by the others' faces that Arlo was anxious, and Weston was exhausted.
That delay before hatch-opening didn't help anybody's nerves, but we all came to the silent conclusion not to start issues where none yet existed.
We were free to do what we wanted, at least until the looming final press conference that I'd been dreading.
Sure, before I had talked to Arlo, I had assumed I could have initiated another video call with Ryder and the pups or maybe ventured off to find MacGyver if I were thinking about quitting. I knew they'd talk me back into staying.
But, after letting Arlo's words in and really thinking about what he meant on our walk-I decided to spend my time with a friend.
To be honest, I had been thinking about it for as long as we'd been apart. There was a familiar twinge of pain that I had forced myself to grow accustomed to.
"It's just another thing for you to feel bad about once you leave, why even bother re-opening that wound?"
"He probably doesn't even want to see you, why would he?"
"It's been too long- give it a rest."
I hated the way my brain could be on my side one minute and be bullying me the next.
No more.
I wasn't going to quit, and I refused to leave any stone unturned either.
Our reunion was far too long overdue.
I had called him just after waking up that morning, he'd hopped on a plane right after we hung up.
He was given clearance, despite the roads being closed and redirected for the spectator crowds.
There were barriers for both spectators and the press, so I met him on a mezzanine.
I didn't want him to walk any further than he had to.
I hadn't seen him in nearly 4 years, but he hadn't changed one bit.
Standing in front of me was my first real family member, human or otherwise- Marcus Aldine; Reverend Marcus Aldine, if you wanted to use his title, but he hated formal things.
I couldn't believe he actually showed up. I wasted no time.
This time, I didn't try to suppress the laugh.
I ran and jumped into his outstretched arms and he returned the appropriate head and behind-the-ear scratches.
He laughed, even that hadn't changed.
His face had been a part of my earliest memories.
I had met Ryder around the time I had turned two, having spent the first year and a half of life as a stray.
Well, the majority of the first year and a half was spent as a stray.
Although I rarely shared the truth- that I wasn't always a street pup.
/
*****Memory*****
I was about 11 months old; it was a disastrous winter. I remembered being alone.
I wasn't sure what to do, the sun had gone down, and it got cold fast. Too fast.
I suppose, I just curled up and found a spot to die.
But it wasn't long before Reverend Aldine found me and took me to his home.
A veterinarian visited me at his house, and my condition improved over the next weeks.
Being inside a warm home in the wintertime was all a newly healthy puppy needed to cause inadvertent havoc.
The small market-town of Meadowknoll sat two hours from the coast, and it became my first little slice of heaven.
I must have run miles around that house, tossing around pillows two times my size, and hiding in the space between books on the shelves to watch them search for me before jumping onto their heads like a cat.
Reverend Aldine and his wife never seemed to mind it.
After a while, winter turned into spring, and I started to wonder where they would go every day.
"Do you want to come to work with me?", he asked one day.
"Yeah, yeah, I do, I reeeeaaaly do!", I said hopping up and down.
"Marcus are you sure it's a good time?- what about…. you know!", his wife said, her name had a habit of escaping my mind the moment I tried to search for it.
"What do you mean?", he asked, scratching my head as I giggled and panted.
"What we just saw on the news, dear", she said.
"I can't think of a safer place for him to be than with me", he said.
And so, I began to spend a few days a week at the church with him.
And when Sundays finally came, I realized I loved being there just as much as I loved being at home.
People got to know me, all so kind.
I watched for a while, and listened, especially when my only family got up to speak.
These concepts that I had never heard of and never considered, began to take shape.
Promises of brotherhood, love, life, and "life more abundantly."
All I knew about life was that it was hard. Or rather, that it had been hard- past tense.
I had the benefit of looking back at a former state, and what a blessing that was.
I couldn't go back out into the cruel world, but from that moment on I saw that I didn't have to.
Sunday after Sunday, I watched and listened to the songs they would sing.
I started to understand things, beyond basic survival.
Every now and then, a special Sunday would come and go where a line of people would be led to a pool of water.
I would always feel compelled to jump into it.
They would sing a bit longer, smile a lot more, and I remembered seeing more people than I ever did packed into the sanctuary.
One day, I asked the reverend's wife what the pool was for, so she and I talked a while.
And one special Sunday, I joined the line when I saw a puppy just like me. He had orange fur, green eyes, and was being held in the arms of a child that couldn't have been over the age of seven.
This would be the first dog I'd ever get to know.
His name escapes me. On second thought, I don't think I ever heard it.
The idea of Baptizing a dog was in no way foreign or improper to them.
So, Reverend Aldine Baptized me that day. I'll never forget the smile on his face.
I made another friend.
And I wasn't the only one.
I remembered how happy he'd looked, handing me the microphone.
Back then, I was more startled of how loud and "big" my voice sounded than the water.
Just the thought made me smile- this tiny mixed breed shaking his fur everywhere after introducing himself to an entire congregation. They weren't strangers and those who found themselves involuntarily "double-baptized" on account of my shaking were just as thrilled.
I could remember being able to see the bottom of the calm pool. I often wondered where that lack of fear went.
I was happy listening to the words, seeing the people who came every week, melting into the melodies of the pretty piano- and not just on Sundays.
And the Reverend was always beyond thrilled to have me there. Walks, runs, spontaneous store runs, parades, cookouts- we did everything together. I had never had anyone show me any type of affection up until that point, so I was often too ambitious for my own good. But they were so patient with me. Never once did they shout or call me out to do anything if I wasn't ready. If I ever hid, they just waited until I was ready to come talk. I went from being a stranger to joy, to having more than I could have ever imagined.
But, as is often the case with my happiness, it was not to last…
The Reverend's wife and I talked on the nights when I was home. On one occasion I sat in her lap as she stroked my fur and I pretended to be asleep.
I overheard Reverend Aldine talking about how the church needed something nice to sit on the communion table. The cross was an old heirloom that he wanted to donate elsewhere, so we needed a new one.
I knew just the place from my days as a stray. I often hid behind a particular building and sat beneath a vent that pumped out the hottest air once it got cold outside.
I only dared go anywhere near the building when the bigger dogs were away, as they were in no way keen on sharing their space.
Now- who could stop me?, I thought.
The next day, I sat in the back of the church while the reverend was comforting someone at the front.
It was outside of operating hours. I couldn't tell who, but someone had been through a lot.
I always excused myself from the room, though he'd always said that I didn't have to.
I didn't tell the reverend I was sneaking away, but I figured I could just go to the store and hide his "gift" in the house before he got home.
The house, the church, and the store were all within three city blocks of one another.
So, I went on my journey alone, just as I had done before.
I crept quietly around the back of the store to avoid the busy street, but I didn't see anyone where the scary dogs used to hang out.
As I rounded the corner, I saw a dog; Orange. He appeared the same shade as the pup I'd recently met.
But it wasn't exact.
His eyes lit up when he saw me, and he widened his stance.
He wanted to play, as did I.
When he dipped around the corner, I followed after.
We whizzed past the storefront, too fast for anyone to see anything more than two blurs past the door.
I almost stopped, but I wanted to know where 'we' were going.
He turned again, this time about two buildings down.
As he slowed, I noticed that this couldn't have been my friend.
This dog was bigger, and his eyes weren't green. As he walked through a puddle, the orange faded from his paws and legs.
It seems like someone, somewhere needed a pup to fulfill a quota of some sort.
I hadn't figured that out by the time a dogcatcher from Newharbor had ambushed me from behind.
I remember the strange dog laughing as I was hauled away, unable to escape from the giant man's arms.
By that time, the dye in his fur had washed away in the puddle completely.
He was grey, like his eyes.
I ended up reading somewhere that dogcatchers employ methods like this sometimes- making agreements with stray dogs on the basis of food in exchange for luring other unsuspecting strays into traps. These unlucky victims can be caught and labeled as 'dangerous' to justify the action.
I also read that dogs with grey or black fur don't get adopted as frequently as those with lighter-colored furs.
A sad fact.
So, disguises could be employed to lure potential pet-owners into thinking they've adopted one dog, when they've actually adopted another.
Apparently, the method also works on unaccompanied puppies that hadn't yet learned the lesson that not every pup you see is your friend.
After the catcher threw me in a cage, I got a look at his face. His eyes showed no love, just a cold stare as if he'd done this a million times before. This man was the complete opposite of Reverend Aldine.
I screamed, but he had the muzzle ready.
I cried, but nobody could hear.
Why hadn't I told anyone?
I wanted the new cross to be a surprise, I remembered. And I was at the doorstep of paying the ultimate price for that choice.
I had spent months in domestic bliss with a loving family and it looked as though everything was being ripped away from me in pathetic silence.
As the Newharbor van cruised away, I saw the façade of the store I should have gone into through the sliver of the van window.
Inside the storefront was a beautiful cross that I could barely see through the tears.
Tenmoku ceramic.
The perfect gift for my family.
I figured I was never going to see them again.
/
***********End of Memory***********
The reverend's face was as kind as it was when he found me.
The very moment I saw his eyes again, I knew just how truly blessed I had been- to be found, lost, found, lost, and found again.
After we'd finished our reunion, tears in my eyes and my tail in an absolute uncontrollable whirlwind, he sat me down.
"Okay, I'm gonna skip the whole 'you've gotten so big' thing, and just say that it's mayhem out there", he said with a laugh, "People are already camping outside to be the first in line in the morning."
"No way", I said baffled, still wiping tears of joy from my eyes, "I didn't think it was that big of a deal."
"I've been kind of out of the loop lately, I heard they were sending canine astronauts, but I didn't know it was you", he said excitedly, "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine, thank you for asking", I said, "I just…. can't believe you're actually here with me again."
"Of course, as soon as I heard your voice, I knew it was important", he said.
We sat down at a table and looked out of a large window, NASA preparations in full swing.
He went quiet for a minute then said, "You know, when I looked up the television re-run, I couldn't believe it. But then I saw that way too intense look on your face that you'd always had before, and that was all Cynda and I needed to see."
"Cynda!", I shouted, first excited and then genuinely ashamed that I'd forgotten.
He stopped and smiled at me, "She's doing well. And might I say you're awfully energetic for someone who's probably on an abysmal sleep schedule."
There was so much I wanted to say to him about the PAW Patrol, but I wanted to keep things on track in case he had to leave me soon.
"I'll manage, I usually do", I said, "The late-night rescues I'd done before, a while back I mean- they've gotten me ready for NASA training, but…..."
"But…", he led me on.
"But, well- I feel like….I don't know. I feel like this type of living has made me go through life….anticipating that something is coming- something that I can't handle", I said, "Like, the rescuing is fun, don't get me wrong. I've learned so much from Chase, and Ryder, Marshall, Zuma, and the others- I mean, I got put on standby for so long, nobody needed me. NASA's been the greatest change of pace I could ask for. But now…I….", I trailed off.
"Now you're remembering what it's like to be in the spotlight again, unlike any one you've ever been in before", he said.
"But you know how that is, you have to stand in front of a massive group of people every day, they look to you for guidance", I said, "Didn't you used to say- 'more Love-Less fluff'?"
He chuckled, "I can't believe how good your memory is. And yes, you're right about that." Then his face became mellow once again, "But our greatest fears do indeed lie in anticipation. This is just something you've never done before. Scary, sure- but not impossible."
"Yeah," I said unsure.
"It's funny, on my flight I started thinking about when I first found you. It seems like forever ago, I never got to tell you about that time leading up to your Baptism, or the period after you were taken from us", he said solemnly.
"Actually, my first words to you today should have been 'I'm sorry'", he said.
"Sorry?!", I said dumbfounded, "What on Earth do you have to be sorry about? Sorry that you saved my life?"
"About before, and you. Being Baptized. Sure, it's never 'too late', but there can be a such thing as 'too early'. I never wanted to make you feel obligated, like I forced you-", he began.
"No! I'm so glad you did it. I made the choice, even though I didn't know where my life was going. I knew enough, you know, because of you and Cynda. And it's not like I ever gave it up. I just…...How could I?," I said. "I'm sorry I never came back to you, so you could actually see that I was alright, both of you."
"Oh, don't worry about that. You have other responsibilities now, it's just like letting your child go into the real world after you raise them. It's always hard, and it always feels too early," he said.
I buried my head into his side, and he once again began scratching behind my ears.
"When they took you away, I was… beside myself for months, I couldn't believe they took you all the way to Newharbor. I mean, I see people from all walks of life every week and have never seen a dogcatcher outside of a movie or tv show", he said.
I chuckled, "I know."
"We….we searched everywhere Rocky, so did the police. The investigation took months, but it was called off just before they reported a pup of your description being adopted and taken to Adventure Bay," he said sadly.
"I started doing things. Ryder told me he sent a letter explaining everything, but I guess that's when things got super busy", I said. "I think I was afraid of that dogcatcher still being there, or maybe somehow you and Cynda would be gone if I ever came back. I don't know…...I just couldn't bring myself to leave. As much as I wanted to, Adventure Bay was just the only place I saw as being 100% safe", I said.
"As safe as a town filled with problems can be, I suppose", he said, then laughed as I shot him a playful glare.
He smiled, "We got the letter, don't worry. We were happy just knowing you were alive. I suppose we didn't want you stuck there in our tiny town where you couldn't expand and grow. I mean, saving your mayor, going to jungles, islands, assisting the royal family of Barkingburg- kinda beats plopping you in my grocery cart during the weekdays and letting you loose to a flurry of head pats while you held the offering bin at church on Sundays."
"I would have been just as happy", I insisted stubbornly.
"I know you would, but I wouldn't be. I want more for you, especially in your young years. There is plenty of time for other things later in life", he said.
"No reason why I can't take it with me though, keep it in the back of my mind", I said.
Still smiling he raised an eyebrow, "And by that you mean…?"
"Well, look….I'm just worried", I said.
"What specifically makes you feel this way?", he asked.
"Failing, not just failing to fix the telescope but failing in general. I've had so much time to think…I mean really think about my life and how I got to this point where I can achieve a dream. Going to space went from a complete hypothetical in the back of my mind to actually happening in about a day. When I really think about what I want to do, weighing risks and reward…...I get sick to my stomach. And…," I stopped.
Reverend Aldine nodded his head.
"When I think about God- why I ended up chosen- why this has become my path, I feel like I'm not doing right by him either. I'm not too proud to admit there's still a lot I don't know. But, there's always more I could be doing", I said.
He smiled, "Well…."
He then paused as he gathered his thoughts.
"Let's think about it like this- I was once your 'parent', and Ryder is your 'parent' too. So, if we love you as much as we say we do as earthly parents-; don't you think that the ultimate parent- God I'm meaning- wouldn't want you being so stressed about proving yourself to him all the time?"
"I know, but…I just feel like I'm doing him a disservice", I admitted.
"Don't feel guilty. Conviction is good, but guilt isn't constructive. Thankfully, you're an observer and not a judger. It's those who judge in spite of God who do him a disservice. Manipulating a good thing until its perception to everyone else becomes entirely bad, that's what others may do to God, but not you and I," he said with determination in his voice.
His responses to my points were quick, but genuine. It was as if he were really listening to every single one of them, each one important enough to log in a mental book, no matter how negligible they seemed.
"But I haven't even done anything, yet. I mean, before sure, but all I'm doing now is- living", I stammered.
"Rocky, you're too hard on yourself," he said.
"I'm just, thinking about the pups back home too, things I regret not saying and doing. I am…so far from perfect", I said.
"Well, we don't have to be perfect, it's not what we were meant to be-just people who want to do better every day," he replied.
"I mean, I hate what it says about me as a person, I- I wanted them to feel how bad I was feeling those times when I didn't get called to help. The pups- I mean. I didn't want their sympathy, but I didn't want to be ignored either", I said.
"I can understand that", he said.
"And, you know- some days I really do wonder….If God- if he cares- If he's not making a mistake….", I paused, then said, "If he's making a mistake by placing me in the position to take on this mission."
"By putting you in a place to earn your position? I know for a fact that's not a bad thing", he said assuredly.
"Quit it, you know what I mean", I pouted.
"I do," he said.
"How…. can you be so sure?," I asked.
"We all have doubts- even I do every now and then. Being a rescuer, a leader, or a follower of Christ doesn't mean you don't have doubts. We can't let them stop us though, all that is required is that you don't give up."
"But…," I started.
"But?," he returned.
"I haven't changed that much, I'm still an incredibly Risk-versus-Reward-oriented pup", I said.
"You mean you're afraid? That sounds like you're describing a pup who's afraid", he said.
"I outta bite you", I said.
He looked surprised, then we both broke out into laughing fits.
He wiped a tear from his eye.
"You were traumatized, as anyone would be, I understand. And I'm so sorry. I don't want you going through this averse to taking risks. During this conversation, you've looked down at the floor at least 15 times while talking about yourself. We can't be having that", he said.
I didn't even realize I had done it so often.
I nodded again.
I had completely tuned the rest of the world out, but an intercom announcement snapped me back to my current situation.
Below us, NASA personnel had already entered and began setting up for the next day's events.
I knew that I was running out of time.
"Please, I'm not ready for you to go yet," I whined before hopping into his lap.
He smiled again, patted my head.
"I don't want to be a distraction, Rocky. Also, on an unrelated note, I still can't believe you've gotten so big. I mean, I used to carry you around like a football and now you almost knock me over", he said.
Seeing this as an invitation, I once again jumped onto him and got him to sit back down as I licked his face.
He laughed and resumed petting me, but I knew he was right deep down.
"I'm so proud of you. I know Ryder and the pups are too", he said warmly, as if nothing had changed since the last day I saw him.
I was once again fighting back tears.
"Everything you've said about feeling like you aren't doing enough, feeling like there isn't any order or guaranteed safety, feeling afraid about everything you can't control- each one of those could comprise an entire sermon on their own- and they're all perfectly normal. Don't stress, there will be plenty of time for that later on, But…..."
He had begun to turn as he spoke and I stopped him, "Please, Marcus. (Far too emotional to realize just how odd it sounded to call him by his first name as a slightly older pup) It sounds too much like you're saying goodbye. I mean, I know you are saying goodbye, but it sounds like you're saying goodbye for a really long time."
"It won't be long, I promise. Let's say 'See you soon' then", he said with a smile, then added, "If you're not too famous after fixing that satellite, I'd love it if you found time to come back for a visit."
"I will, I promise you", I said, "I'll play with Cynda too, just like back then. And I'll go back to the church too, I have to see it again!"
"Cynda and I will be watching from the spectator's section, but you… focus on the 'mountain' in front of you, okay?", he said with a smile.
"I-I will. I can't thank you enough for actually coming here. I…really needed this", I said.
"Me too, I didn't realize how much seeing you would mean. Just remember- You ARE the church. Just like me- everywhere you go. Moon included," he laughed.
One last hug. Then he was off.
Just talking to him, him listening to my problems, his presence- I couldn't have asked for a better reunion. Facing the possibility of death in its entirety, I actually felt whole.
It was a short visit, but I felt something heal in my heart that I prayed would extend to my brain.
The heart mattered most, but the brain is a tricky beast.
My earliest memories gave way to my somewhat-recent failures in the first suited simulation.
That first simulation felt like it took place in the distant past, but it was just as Reverend Aldine had said.
I had looked down at the ground and subjected myself to the thought, "The mission had been given a green light and I felt that I had missed it already."
How silly I'd been.
***End of Chapter 21***
/
Author's Note: Hello Everyone! As always, I'm so glad you have taken time out of your schedules to read my story.
I know! This one was lengthy, emotionally heavy, pretty dense, and had some interesting shifts in pacing.
Just to let you all know, as I re-read it- the portion that covered the launch rehearsal felt a bit rushed and lacked some detail.
This was intentional.
The real launch portion will be the exact opposite, since Rocky's Journey is taking such a dramatic shift. I want to describe the build-up in a way that maximizes the payoff, so the rehearsal having no payoff called for a different level of immersion.
Once day 12 is over, the real fun begins- and I'm hyped for it!
Take care until then! Love you all,
- H1storyMaj0r