THE REAL LOST EPISODE
By Redtop1995
Act One
The camera roves through Jellyfish Fields, on an early morning. Jellyfish of all colors drift lazily along, all humming to themselves.
Frenchie: (Narrating) Ah, ze sea. So big. So blue…well, when eet's sunny, anyway, like today. Now, where was ah? Ah, Oui. Ze sea. Eet covairs ze world like an ocean, and eez 'ome to a wealth of colorful and unique creatures. Boot one ov zem does not hail from ze briny blue. Een fact, she moved zere from ze surface. We shall be meeting her een a moment. Boot fairst…
SpongeBob bounds and prances his way into the shot.
SpongeBob: (Exuberantly) IIIIIIII'M READY!
Frenchie: (Narrating) …We meet Bikini Bottom's happiest citizen. Boot why, you ask myself? (Beat) …Ah dunno.
SpongeBob: (Happily) Hello, Jellyfish Fields! Hellooooo, Jellies! Somehow, I get the feeling that someone was asking why I'm Bikini Bottom's happiest citizen. Well, it's because… (Yelling) SANDY INVITED ME ON A HIKING TRIP TO THE KELP FOREST!
The Jellyfish, irritated at being disturbed, all sting the yellow sponge. He's slightly burnt and ragged by this, a sheepish grin on his face.
SpongeBob: (Chuckles sheepishly) Sorry. I mean (Whispering) Sandy invited me on a hiking trip to the Kelp Forest. (Yelling) WOO-HOO!
He cartwheels and somersaults his way across the meadow, bouncing on his head, then his butt, then his head. He balances on one foot atop a reef.
SpongeBob: And only me! Not Patrick, not Squidward, not Mr Krabs or Pearl or Mrs Puff or Plankton or Karen or Larry or Incidental Fish Number 47! Me! SpongeBob SquarePants!
A little scallop flutters by and settles on his finger.
SpongeBob: Why me, do you ask, little fella? Because San-day knows that whenever she wants someone reliable, or a sparring partner, or someone with a listening pore and a shoulder to cry on, I will be there! Because I lo-
He stops himself, clamping a hand over his mouth with his cheeks puffed out. Then he stops and considers something.
SpongeBob: (Thinking) Wait a minute, I'm talking to a scallop. It's not like loose-lipped Gary! (To the scallop) Because I love her, little fella! She's the acorn of my eye! She's the pickles on my Krabby Patty! She's…
Sandy: (Offscreen) Ohhhh, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob freezes, his eyes popping out to look behind him. They zip back into his head. He claps his hands together, accidentally squishing the scallop.
SpongeBob: (Excitedly squeals) …HERE!
He pirouettes in the opposite direction and we get a view of Sandy from his perspective. Sandy's walking up to him, a backpack on her shoulders and a bright smile on her countenance.
SpongeBob: (Childishly waving) Hiiiii, Sandyyyyy! (Clears his throat, in a refined tone) I mean Hello, Sandra!
Sandy: (Chuckles) Well, howdy, SpongeBob! Y'know, ah was gonna stop by yer fruity abode, but somethin' told me ah'd find y'all here!
SpongeBob: You're just in time for the best part of the day next to bein' at the Krusty Krab!
Sandy: Oh? Well, what part's that, little square dude?
SpongeBob: The part when you and me…
He jumps off the reef.
SpongeBob: (Excitedly) Become "we"!
Sandy gasps and throws her arms out to catch him. She does so, but him landing in her arms knocks her off balance. She staggers backwards and together, they tumble down a slope into a heap. SpongeBob's long nose is pressed against Sandy's helmet.
Sandy: (Bemused, lifting him off and sitting up) SpongeBob, whadda y'all doin', jumpin' on me like a puppy on bath night?
SpongeBob: (Sheepishly) Well, gee, I was just excited, I guess. (Smugly) And anyway, didn't you once say…
His head morphs into Sandy's, pink flower, air helmet and all.
SpongeBob: (Imitating Sandy) "We gotta jump offa stuff"!
Sandy: (Flattered) Again, yuh capture the real me. (Creeped out) Yuh also promised never to do that again. (Getting up) Sure hope ah didn't squish ma provisions!
SpongeBob: Ooh, provisions! What've ya got?
Sandy takes off her backpack and opens it.
Sandy: Oh, acorns, homemade smoking barbecued nuts, walnuts, Pecan pie, Texas tea an' some granola. What've y'all got, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (Scoffing) What I always eat! Some Kelpo, jellyfish jelly sandwiches, a triple Gooberberry Sunrise and a (trailing off) Krabby Patty…
Realization hits him: he doesn't have any food!
SpongeBob: (Tearing his sides off in horror) I FORGOT MY PROVISIONS!
He zooms offscreen.
SpongeBob: (Distant, offscreen) Hi, Gary!
Gary: (Distant, offscreen) Meow.
SpongeBob: (Distant, offscreen) Gimme a triple Gooberberry, hold the dish! (Beat, distant, offscreen) Hey, Jellyfish, c'mere…
Sandy winces as we hear electricity crackling.
SpongeBob: (Shrieks) Thank you!
We suddenly cut to The Krusty Krab, filled with diners. Squidward is napping at the counter, as per usual. Abruptly, SpongeBob rushes through the double doors.
SpongeBob: (As he runs past) Hey, Squidward!
The cephalopod's eyes snap open and he sits bolt upright. He looks into the kitchen to see his porous co-worker hastily preparing a Krabby Patty.
Squidward: (Outraged) SpongeBob! You said today was your day off! Why do you insist on ruining it for me?!
SpongeBob: I AM on my day off! I just forgot my provisions!
Squidward: Going somewhere? (Muttering) Preferably somewhere far away…
SpongeBob: (Excitedly) Oh, yeah, Squidward, Sandy invited me, ME, on a hike through the Kelp Forest! It'll just be me and her! Her and me! Sandy and SpongeBob! SpongeBob and Sandy! SPANDY!
Squidward: (Cringing) Well, why are you HERE and not with HER?!
SpongeBob: (Gasps) That's right, Squidward! (Finishes the Krabby Patty and rushes out) I'M COMING, SANDYYYYYYYY….!
Squidward: Hope he gets lost.
Suddenly there's a news report from Live-Action Fish on the TV.
Live-Action Fish: We interrupt your spiteful thoughts to give you this emergency broadcast! A whirlpool has been sighted heading towards Bikini Bottom. We take you now to our beloved newscaster, Perch Perkins! Take it away, Perch!
We cut to Perch Perkins standing in New Kelp City. A huge whirlpool can be seen tearing up buildings and boatmobiles in the background.
Perch: That's right, an errant whirlpool has been whirling and pooling it's way across the Pacific Ocean. Just look at it, folks! It's already ravaged New Kelp City and we can confirm that Bikini Bottom is next on its radar. It'll go through the Kelp Forest before hitting the town. Professionals have advised that now is the time to…
While Perch was talking, the whirlpool was getting closer and closer to him. He's been sucked in.
Perch: (Screaming) PAAAAAANNNNNNIIIIIIC!
The footage becomes nothing but static and white noise. We pan down to Squidward watching the broadcast with concern.
Squidward: (To himself) Huh. I really should go after SpongeBob and warn him about this impending natural disaster. (Beat, shrugs) Meh. Sandy can take care of him.
He continues to read his Kelpy-G magazine. We cut to SpongeBob and Sandy walking past the "You are now leaving Bikini Bottom" sign en route to the Kelp Forest.
Sandy: (Excitedly) Hoo-ee, SpongeBob, ah've been lookin' forward t'this expedition for quite some time! Ah once heard tell of a primitive Anglerfish that resides there. (Ominously) They call him… Sparkle.
SpongeBob: (Screams) SPARKLE?! (Beat, confused) Why's he called that?
Sandy: Ah dunno. Probably 'cos of the light on his head he uses to lure in unsuspecting prey. (Determinedly) An' ah intend t'get that light as a sunlamp for ma Treedome! Or as a nightlight, whichevah comes first.
SpongeBob: (In deep understanding) Ohhhh… (Scratches his head) So, why did you ask me to go with ya? (Hastily) Not that I'm afraid or I don't like your company, I'm just curious.
Sandy: (Surprised) Why, SpongeBob, ain't it obvious?
SpongeBob: I'm bait?
Sandy: What? No! (Patting his head) Ah wanted y'all t'go with me 'cos ah like yuh!
SpongeBob: (Happily) REALLY?! (Clears his throat, refined) I mean, thank you, Sandra. I have an affinity for you, too.
He suddenly gets down on one knee and takes her hand. Sandy looks taken aback, her eyes widening. Is he going to propose?
SpongeBob: (Genuinely and gently) Sandy, I will always be there for you as you are always there for me. I would gladly give up overtime at the Krusty Krab if it meant being with you. I love…to go on adventures with you.
Sandy: (Bemused) SpongeBob, ah…
SpongeBob: Just remember, Sandra… (In heroic baritone) Nothing can hurt you as long as I'm with you!
As soon as he says this, a sea urchin spines him in the butt, and he leaps up with a squeal of pain.
SpongeBob: (Smiling despite the pain) See?
We cut to the entrance to the Kelp Forest. The further you look into it, the darker things become.
Sandy: (Cheerfully) Well, here we are! The Kelp Forest! That angry anglerfish is lurkin' around in there somewhere!
SpongeBob hugs her leg in fear. The squirrel raises an eyebrow.
SpongeBob: (Chuckles awkwardly) Uhhh, no, Sandy, you'll be happy to know he's not in your tail!
Sandy: (Teasingly) Y'all ain't yeller, are ya, SpongeBob?
The sponge looks down at his body.
SpongeBob: Yes… (Realizing what he just said) I mean, no!
Sandy: Well, y'have the right idea! Ah can already tell this deep, dark, scary nautical foliage ain't just unfathomable, it's easier to get lost in than a snow covered maze on a foggy afternoon! Stick t'gether, little square dude!
SpongeBob: (Joyfully) OH!
He pulls out a bucket of glue and a paintbrush. Sandy slaps them out of his hands.
Sandy: (Bluntly) In the nonliteral sense.
She presses the acorn symbol on her suit and it lights up like a flashlight. SpongeBob eats a flashlight and tiny beacons of light emerge from all his pores.
Montage Sequence:
The sponge and squirrel traverse the forest, karate chopping their way through overgrown clumps of seaweed, swinging on kelp vines and jumping in and out of the mouths of clams just as they slam shut.
At one point, they have to abseil down a deep ravine. Sandy's harness abruptly snaps and she falls! After his eyes pop out in a double take, SpongeBob unharnesses himself and runs down the side of the ravine, straight past the falling squirrel and to the bottom. Getting down on all fours, he inhales, holds his nose and blows with his mouth shut. His whole body grows and expands into the size and shape of a mattress. Sandy lands on him with a squeak, completely unharmed.
SpongeBob shrinks back to his normal size, and Sandy quickly gets off of him. Picking him up, she hugs him. His dazed expression becomes a small smile.
End of Montage
Sandy and SpongeBob come to a clearing. It's the brightest part of the forest they've seen for a long while. They can see the reflection of the sun on the sea above them.
Sandy: (Exhausted) Hooooo-ee! What a trek! An' still no sign 'o' that monster! (Looking up) Well, he won't be comin' round here. It's lighter than a department store filled with lamps in July! C'mon, SpongeBob, let's find somewhere t'chow down on our provisions!
She walks offscreen. SpongeBob is about to follow her when he thinks he hears something and stops. He turns around and looks back the way they came. We get a view of the trail as it recedes into darkness. The kelp trees begin to sway: slowly at first but getting faster and faster.
We cut to Sandy as she takes her backpack off and settles down on a rock.
Sandy: (Satisfied) There we go! Hey, SpongeBob, ah found the perfect…
Her companion isn't there.
Sandy: (Confused) SpongeBob? (Louder, getting up) SpongeBob?! C'mon, little square dude, this ain't funny! Ah said we gotta…(Trailing off, afraid) …Stick…together…
We cut to a huge whirlpool sweeping through the forest, heading straight for her! Sandy gasps in fear, but the whirlpool sucks her in before she can even turn to run!
Sandy screams as she spins out of control upwards through the whirlpool and high above the Kelp Forest! Looking down, she gasps in shock and awe at the sight of kelp trees being uprooted and tossed into the air. She has to duck as one of them abruptly soars over her!
We get a view of other objects that have been sucked into the whirlpool. Anchors, cabin cruisers, fish hooks and even Baby Prunes on a bicycle.
Baby Prunes: (Wistfully) Whirlpools. I remember when they first invented whirlpools. (Bitterly) I always hated them!
Looking around, Sandy's ears prick up at the sound of panicked hyperventilating. Looking around, she does a double take.
Sandy: (Shocked) SPONGEBOB!
We pan over to SpongeBob spinning and flailing out of control a few yards away.
SpongeBob: (Screaming) SANDY!
Using the current to her advantage, Sandy swims towards the panicking sponge.
Sandy: (Urgently) GIMME YER HAND!
SpongeBob grabs her hands and they spin out of control.
Sandy: (Urgently) IT'S ALL GONNA BE OKAY!
SpongeBob: (Panicking) HOW IS THIS GONNA BE OKAY?!
Sandy: (Reassuring) AH'M TELLIN' Y'ALL! NOTHIN' CAN HURT YUH AS LONG AS AH'M WITH YUH!
SpongeBob smiles, genuinely reassured, but then they lose their respective grips! The sponge flies in one direction, the squirrel in another!
SpongeBob: (Screaming) SAAAAANNNNNDYYYYYYYYY!
Sandy: (Screaming) SPOOOOOONNNNGGGEEBOOOOOOOOOOB!
SpongeBob flies out of the whirlpool and falls into the southern region of the forest, while Sandy falls into the northern part. The camera pans down, following her as she bounces safely off every branch of a kelp tree on the way down, each branch slowing down her fall…
…Until she lands on a rock, passing out as we fade to black.
End of Act One