Chapter Thirty-Six - A Cruel Nightmare

This didn't feel real.

It couldn't be real.

This night wasn't real.

It was all a dream, he was dreaming, still running up on that hill.

A nightmare…

That's what all this was, a nightmare, a cruel nightmare….

And looking up at the heavens, with the stars glittering coldly down at them, Remus could almost hear their cruel laughter, and he knew, he knew with sinking dread that this was real. It wasn't a nightmare. He was awake. He was awake and his cub was crying so heartbreakingly against Remus' chest.

He didn't know what to do next, except to hold Harry tight, whispering reassuring words that everything was going to be okay. Comforting lies. Because Remus couldn't see anything past this night. How could they be okay after this? Especially when he couldn't figure out if Severus had really betrayed them tonight or if he was just acting undercover for Dumbledore.

Remus saw in his mind, holding Harry tight, the way Severus' eyes had glittered so coldly, the way Severus had looked at everyone before knocking them off their feet. The way the Death Eaters had all turned to him, following his orders. The way Severus' voice sounded when he called them to his side. That same voice that had once told Remus that he had beautiful scars. That same voice that had told Harry over and over to trust him.

Remus felt his eyes burn, but he refused to cry. Instead he allowed anger to surge through him. Anger directed at Severus for leaving them in such a cruel way, even if there were a possible chance that he was acting undercover.

Please, just let it be that! Remus pleaded as Harry continued to cry, his cries sounding so devastating it brought a few tears down from Remus' eyes. Silent teardrops that landed in Harry's hair. Anything was better than this, anything better than actual betrayal! Come back to us, Severus, come back, don't let this be true!

How could Severus leave Harry a mess like this? How could he leave Remus behind like this to fix what he broke? Harry's trust, and so brutally. If this was all just to save his cover tonight, if Severus had the audacity to come back after all of this and expect to be forgiven, then he had another thing coming! He could've given them a sign, anything!

Maybe he didn't because it was real… A voice in Remus' head argued back. He really betrayed us tonight.

That voice in his head, it led Remus to think of the way he saw Severus pointing his wand to Harry, who was on the ground, defenseless and frozen with fear. The way Severus had been staring down at their kid with such smoldering hatred, they way he had looked up at Remus. The madness dancing in dark eyes that had only burned with affection for Remus just hours ago.

Now, Remus was torn with what to think. Was Severus really that good in acting? Was he really that good at hiding his true-self to be the Death Eater they saw tonight or…or the Severus Remus knew, the one he'd fallen in love with…had that been…

And Remus couldn't finish that dark, gut-wrenching thought. His heart sunk so far down at the questions swirling in his head. The doubt, the fear, the hurt, the anger. He didn't know, he just didn't know. But he knew one thing… What he saw tonight, he didn't see his Severus at all. Those glittering, cold eyes that burned with madness, that burned with such cruelty, Remus had no idea who that was.

His breath suddenly catching in his throat, Remus buried his face against Harry, holding him, whispering to him, forcing himself to calm down. Remus couldn't allow himself to get lost in his emotions just now, not when Harry needed him most, but the tears still came out, silent and warm and slow. His vision suddenly blurry. Shock was settling into Remus, he could feel it creeping up on him, settling into him like a damp overcasted morning, foggy and wet and heavy and thick. It chilled Remus deep into his bones.

"Remus!" Hagrid called out to him.

The scents of burning wood and smoke wafted towards Remus and Harry, almost choking them. Harry stopped crying and began coughing along with Remus. They had to leave, they had to get away from the black smoke, but Remus' vision was still blurry. He rubbed his eyes, closing them briefly, tightly, then opened them again, and to his relief he was able to see Hagrid as clearly as the smoke would allow him to. Hagrid was staring at Remus and Harry with worry in his beatle-black eyes. Remus noticed the way the half-giant's beard and long, bushy hair was singed, giving off the overpowering stench of burnt hair and smoke. Fang was slung over his shoulder, the dog groaning out and whimpering with fear, his tail between his legs.

Hagrid's interruption brought Remus back. He pulled himself out of the fog he was losing himself in. He wiped his face with the back of his hand, wiping away every trace of the anger and hurt he was feeling inside.

"Are you and Harry alright?! Was that Snape I saw running off with the Death Eaters?"

At first, Remus couldn't speak. His throat felt scratchy and sore, and he coughed it all out. Harry moved away from him, covering his own mouth and nose with his arm against the thick smoke.

Hagrid bent down, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder with concern. "Alright, Harry?"

Remus caught Harry flinching from the contact, but still managed to look up at the half-giant. Harry's green eyes were blurry with shock and his face was wet with tears. Remus knew that Harry was lost in the same bone-chilling fog that he was in. He had to get his cub to the hospital wing as soon as possible, being in shock mixed with smoke inhalation couldn't be good.

Remus then let out another round of coughing, his body spasming from them.

"Let's give Remus some space now, Harry," Hagrid suggested with a hoarse voice. "Breathing in all this smoke can't be good for anyone."

"Hagrid," Harry finally spoke with a weak, shock-filled voice, turning slightly to see Hagrid's hut on fire. "Your house."

"It's okay, it's nothing Dumbledore can't fix, I'm sure…"

Harry shook his head, not saying anything to that.

Hagrid reached out a hand to Harry and pulled him up to his feet, allowing Remus to get up and stretch his cramped legs from sitting in that position for too long.

Leaving them behind, Remus covered his mouth with a handkerchief he found in the pocket of his robes, and stepped closer to the burning hut. He quickly casted a non-verbal Aguamenti Charm, spraying down the flames until Hagrid's hut was nothing left but a charred, smoky frame covered with ash.

Remus then turned and walked back up the slope. Harry's eyes were on the hut, frowning at the sorry sight, suddenly looking very small and young standing next to Hagrid.

Wetting the handkerchief with another, "Aguamenti." Remus handed it to Harry when he finally reached him. "Cover your mouth and nose with this until we're a good distance away from the smoke," he ordered, his voice coming out hoarse.

"Why was Snape running with the Death Eaters? You don't suppose Dumbledore told him to go with them, do you?" Hagrid suddenly asked Remus, his gaze traveling worriedly from Harry, who silently did what Remus asked of him, then to Remus.

"I don't know, Hagrid, but I'm hoping as hell that's exactly what happened tonight," Remus answered him.

Hagrid nodded to that, giving Remus a pat of comfort that almost made his knees buckle.

"And don't you worry about nothing, Harry, I'm sure this will all be sorted out soon enough… Dumbledore will know what to do," Hagrid then said to Harry.

Harry only stared at Hagrid's burnt hut, clearly still too much in shock to say anything.

"Come on," Remus sighed out with concern for his cub and from exhaustion. "Let's head back to the castle."

They walked together in silence, and once they were near the castle and far away from the smoke, that they didn't have to cover their noses and mouths anymore, the fresh air was a welcome relief.

"Why is everyone gathering around over there?" Hagrid suddenly asked, breaking the silence, pointing at a group of figures standing at the base of the Astronomy tower. "Is that?"

The dark mark, glowing green and sinister in the night sky.

Harry stopped walking, his eyes glued to the sight in front of them. "He killed Dumbledore," he suddenly said, his voice mixed with panic and shock.

His eerie words stopped both Remus and Hagrid in their tracks, staring dumbfoundedly at Harry, who was so very pale that his face looked sickly under the yellow glow of the castle, and he was shaking so uncontrollably.

Remus felt his own panic rising in his chest. He reached out a hand…

"Harry?"

Harry flinched violently, stepping back. It pained Remus to see Harry do that again, especially when it took months for him to be comfortable around him and Severus, to not be fearful of their touch, to trust them not to hurt him.

Severus destroyed that tonight in Harry, something in his cub was broken. A place where trust was held. Remus was sure that the brick wall of Harry's was back up, as strong as ever now. Remus could see it in the way Harry was holding himself, could see it in his face, could see it in every flinch, could hear it in his voice. He was broken, and how dare Severus to do that to him! How dare he! Another surge of anger went through Remus. If Severus dared to come back, Remus was going to make sure that he paid for this.

"Hey, cub, it's alright… You know I won't hurt you, right? After everything that happened tonight, remember what I was saying to you… You still have me… And Hagrid may be right about Severus. There's a possible chance that he was only acting undercover. He could come back."

Remus hoped with all of his being that possibility could be true, even though he was pissed at Severus… That within a few hours, Severus would return, apologetic and not a trace of that icy coldness, of that terrifying madness, of that hard cruelty… And what Harry had just accused Severus of doing, it wasn't true, it couldn't be true, so much had happened so quickly tonight. Harry might have been mistaken with what he saw.

But Harry only stubbornly shook his head. "No, you don't understand! He killed Dumbledore, I saw him!"

The truth in Harry's voice shocked Remus into silence. Every small dash of hope, of denial, instantly evaporated, and Remus could see the darkness closing in. Now he could understand more clearly why Harry had cried so hard and heartbreakingly into his arms, how suddenly Harry couldn't stand being touched, why he was so broken and shell-shocked into silence. Why he was shaken to his very core. It wasn't just for the fact that Severus had attacked Harry and ran off with the Death Eaters, it was much bigger than that.

"Harry, what are you saying? No…no…" Hagrid fumbled for what to say, denying what Harry was telling them.

"Snape killed Dumbledore!" Harry shouted again, frustration and pain racking his voice.

"Harry…" Remus started to say, stepping towards him, but not touching him.

Hagrid only shook his head with disbelief, muttering how it was all nonsense. That there was no possible way that Albus Dumbledore could be dead, that he was dead by the wand of Severus Snape. Hagrid walked on ahead, leaving Remus and Harry staring at each other with Remus' own shock and disbelief between them.

"Remus, he's not coming back," Harry said, his voice shaking. "He's not coming back."

"How?" was all Remus could force himself to say. He felt so detached from his body, as if someone else was asking for him. As if he were stuck in a terrible nightmare and watching this from above. How could this night get any worse?

"He used the killing curse on Dumbledore, then he fell off the tower."

"No, Harry, no!" Remus shook his head, feeling the burn of tears welling up again, felt his throat closing up, his body shaking as he realized what Harry's accusation meant. But he pushed it all away.

Not in front of him… I can't fall apart in front of him… Remus told himself.

"Are you sure?" he whispered.

"I saw it," Harry whispered back, his voice cracking with deep sadness. "He really betrayed us."

Remus held Harry's stare, and he knew they were both thinking of the same question. The same question they were both too afraid to ask aloud…

Has Severus always been a Death Eater this whole time? Putting on an act for them, hiding his true loyalties from them to the dark side, to Voldemort… An act Severus had pulled off so successfully, fooling them into believing that the version of the Severus they knew was real, when in fact, it was never real. This whole time, he'd been a murderer waiting underneath that mask, waiting to strike, waiting for the right time to betray them. The times they saw Severus hiding something from them, the times they had felt it, questioned it, was it this? Had that strange look in his dark eyes always been a glimpse of the true Severus Snape, and they hadn't known it?

Remus felt the world swaying. He couldn't do this. He couldn't live in this world where his version of Severus Snape was really a murderer. Where his version of Severus Snape was never real. He reached out a hand to Harry, afraid that he was going to tip over and fall into the heavens, but Harry stepped away, not wanting to be touched, following after Hagrid.

Watching his cub walk away, all Remus wanted to do was scream out the betrayal and confusion and pain, scream it all out of his heart, until he was just an empty shell. It would be so much easier to deal with this if he couldn't feel anymore.

As soon as they reached the crowd, Remus watched Harry push his way through to the small, huddled figure in the grass. Remus could just make out the silver hair, the half-moon glasses glinting under the light of the torches. Hagrid's moans of grief echoing in the still night air. It echoed the grief inside Remus' heart, the wolf inside him howling along to it, starting to grow uncomfortable from all of Remus' complex human emotions, of his grief, his anger and his pain.

"Lumos," Remus whispered.

The tip of his wand lit up and he raised it to the sky, everyone around him began to do the same thing, until the dark mark above the body faded away. Dumbledore looked so very small, so fragile, so broken. It was hard to believe that this small, broken figure was once the most powerfulest wizard in all of Great Britain. Had Severus really done this? Had he really struck Dumbledore down so callously and coldly with his own wand? Remus didn't want to believe it, but the evidence was right there on that grass, and it was on Harry's word, and of course, Remus believed his cub.

Who was Severus Snape?

Remus thought he knew him. He thought he saw him. But this whole time, this whole time it was all a lie. Who was that version of Severus Snape that had held Remus, kissed him, told him he loved him. Who loved Harry so much that he became a father to him. Who the fuck was that person? Was that person real or was it all just an act?

Did I fall in love with a person that never existed?

And again, Remus felt his eyes blur again with hot tears that he absolutely refused to let fall.

Not here… Not here… This isn't the right time and place to fall apart…

He only held up his wand among the crowd, a small hand suddenly grasping onto his own, steadying him.

Remus looked down to see that it was Tonks standing besides him. Holding up her lit wand as well. He squeezed her hand, appreciating her for keeping him steady. She squeezed back. Her hair was mousy-brown and in disarray from battling with the Death Eaters. Her robes were torn and disheveled, and she was sporting a split, bloodied lip. Her eyes were of the deepest blue, swirling with her own grief, exhaustion and shock.

"Remus, thank heavens you and Harry are alright. The Order are all in the hospital wing. I was sent out to search for you two."

"Do… Do they know?" Remus choked out. "Harry said it was Severus that…" He was unable to finish his sentence, unable to say it out loud, because then it would all be true. Then Tonks would have to tell the others, and they would all know what Severus had done.

Tonks' eyes widened with shock once she figured out what Remus couldn't say.

"Oh, Remus…" She said with anguish. "They don't know that Dumbledore is dead… I just found out when I came out here in search of you and Harry. I assumed it was the Death Eaters that did it. I thought Snape just went with them on Dumbledore's orders, we all figured that… You mean to say… He really betrayed us tonight?"

Remus could only nod, but his eyes were on Harry, crouched over Dumbledore's body. Worry settled over him of how Harry was taking this cruel betrayal. How it would affect him in the days to come.

He frowned when he caught Harry picking something up from the grass, something that might have fallen out of Dumbledore's pocket, and through the fog of his grief and shock, Remus was able to wonder why Harry and Dumbledore were out of the castle tonight.

Had Severus known they were out when he and Remus ate dinner together that very evening? Had Severus known when he and Remus had gone to bed together? Remus recalled the grumpy mood Severus had been in as they cooked dinner when Harry didn't show. Remus realized Severus wasn't angry at Harry for standing them up, but angry at Albus for taking Harry with him on a mission. And why didn't he tell Remus about this when he asked Severus if he was okay? The amount of things that Severus kept hidden from him began to grow heavier and heavier, until Remus couldn't stand to see Harry freezing into deeper shock and grief over Dumbledore's body any longer.

Remus stepped away from Tonks, letting go of her hand. His vision was blurring even more than before, but not from the tears that kept threatening to fall. It was from the heavy, dark fog that kept pushing at him. Remus internally and stubbornly pushed it away, just like the tears, he couldn't lose himself in it yet, couldn't cry yet, couldn't break yet. He had to remain strong. Harry was counting on him. The Order of the Phoenix was waiting for him.

"Remus, let's head inside," Tonks suggested softly, lowering her wand along with Remus. The lights going out. "We must tell everyone what happened…"

Remus only nodded half-heartedly, his eyes still on his cub.

"Remus?" Tonks called out to him again with worry.

"Harry, I can't leave him."

Ginny had just arrived, pushing through the crowd, luckily she heard his words. Remus guessed she too had come from the hospital wing to see why Tonks was taking so long. Her eyes widened as she took in the scene.

"Don't worry, Remus, I'll get him," Ginny said with a worried and sorrowful voice. It reflected in her brown eyes as they landed on Harry kneeling over Dumbledore's body.

"Bring him to the hospital wing," Remus said with relief, watching her go to his cub.

Ginny wrapped an arm around Harry, whispering into his ear.

The fog was closing in. Remus was trying his best.

But this couldn't be real.

This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. It was just a nightmare. A cruel nightmare. A soft hand held onto Remus' hand again. He looked up to the owner of that hand. For a moment he had expected to see dark, warm eyes to be peering down at him, but no, Remus had to look down. He had to look down and the hand was too small and those eyes were blue. Blue worried eyes full of sorrow.

Remus was losing himself. The cold seeping deep into his bones. No light to guide him out.

"Let's go, sweetie," the voice whispered.

A voice that was wrong, a voice that Remus didn't want to hear, and it broke him. He was breaking, he was getting lost in the fog, but he had to still fight through it, fight his way out, couldn't allow himself to break. Couldn't let them see. Not yet. Just not yet.

And Remus pulled himself out of his shock, just enough to follow Tonks back to the castle.

.

.

The meeting at the hospital wing was long. It was long and it was hard having to break the news to them, having to say that it was Severus who did it. Severus who killed Dumbledore.

Madam Pomfrey, who had been tending to Harry, he'd just arrived with Ginny not long after Tonks and Remus; broke down into tears and had to step away. Her grief was like a dagger to the heart. Remus knew she wasn't just crying over Dumbledore, she lost Severus too. A dear friend she worked alongside with. Remus had known how close she and Severus were, as close as colleagues could be.

Was there any moment where any of that could've been real for Severus? Did it mean anything to him? If he should look back on the time he spent undercover at Hogwarts, would he think of the people he saw everyday? Would he think of Poppy and the work they did together? Would Severus think of Minerva and their never-ending Quidditch rivalry? Would Severus think of his students, and how hard he worked on his lessons, on getting them through their Owls and their Newts? And most importantly, would he think of Remus and Harry and the familial bonds that were once between them? Or was it all just nothing to Severus? They were all just pets to him, all just pawns on the chessboard, a game he had played alongside with Voldemort against Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix, against Harry and Remus. A game he played with their very lives, their very hearts.

Did Severus regret them? Remus and Harry… Was Severus feeling free of them at this very moment?

And with that dagger-twisting hurt in Remus' heart, a phoenix song suddenly broke him out of his dark thoughts. It quieted the room, it soothed the hurt for only a moment. It was Fawkes. And when the song faded away, the hurt burned inside of Remus again and the dark thoughts seeped back in.

They then recounted everything that happened that night.

Minerva blamed herself. She couldn't understand how she never saw any signs of Severus' betrayal. None of them had. Remus watched as the Transfiguration Professor comforted a still crying Poppy. None of them had seen this coming, but Remus should have. He should have, but the very fact of the matter was that Dumbledore had trusted Severus so fiercely that it left no room for anyone to doubt him, especially the people who knew the father/son relationship between Severus and Harry. They trusted Severus Snape… They all trusted him, not just because of Dumbledore, but because of Harry, because of Remus, because of Madam Pomfrey, because of Minerva, even Molly and Arthur, the people that were Severus' chosen family. They trusted him, and now his betrayal had brutally cut through them, as sharp and dangerous as a silver blade.

Harry's friends then discussed how their plan went all wrong. They discussed what should've happened instead that could've changed the tragic course of events that happened tonight. Like Minerva, Hermione blamed herself. Harry consoled her.

Everytime Severus' name was mentioned, it struck Remus with agony. The dagger in his heart twisting each time. Everytime Severus was mentioned, Remus was sucked back into that moment when he was seeing those cold, cruel eyes again. Everytime Remus was forced to speak, forced to share his input, everytime he was forced to say Severus' name, his voice would break, it would shake. The dagger stabbing into him deeper and deeper, hurting him, burning him, more and more. And everytime that happened, Tonks, still by his side, would squeeze his hand in silent support. But it only angered Remus instead of comforting him. It was wrong, her hand in his still felt all wrong.

Then it was over. They finally all stopped talking about what happened. Everyone was now silent, lost in their own thoughts, realizing that there was no use talking about it anymore, no use blaming themselves, no use wishing for things to have been changed. It was done, it was over. Dumbledore was dead and Severus betrayed them all. He wasn't coming back. He wasn't coming back. Neither of them were. They were both gone.

Tonks squeezed Remus' hand again, perhaps trying to pull him out of his head, get his attention. She was speaking to him, but Remus was lost in his spiral. He could feel the concern coming off her in waves. Besides Harry, Tonks was the only one who knew how much Severus had meant to Remus. Everyone thought they were just close colleagues, something like what Severus shared with Poppy and Minerva.

Tonks must be thinking how much of a fool Remus would have to be, to ever believe that a former Death Eater could ever be trustworthy to fall in love with. A fool blinded by love. She must be looking at him with pity, probably thinking that now this was her chance to prove to Remus that he was an idiot to choose Severus over her. That must be why she was still standing by his side. Dark toxic thoughts like that made the fog in Remus' head grow darker until it began to rumble, forming into heavy rain clouds. The bolts of electricity was his sudden anger flashing through.

Remus pulled his hand away from her, needing space. A growl suddenly rumbling in his throat. The wolf growing reactive to the bolts of electricity and the rumbling of the storm inside him.

"Remus?" Tonks whispered, moving in front of him, reaching a hand up to touch the side of his face, pulling Remus down so he could look at her. He stiffened at her touch.

"I'm fine," Remus croaked out, moving away from her grasp.

Tonks' voice was full of pity and worry. Remus hated it. How could she think that he was worthy of love? How could she still ever want him? How could anyone after this? Remus was damaged, too damaged, too many scars, seen and unseen. Someone that not even Severus Snape found worthy enough to truly love.

Tonks took his hand again. "Remus, calm down…"

As Remus was barely holding himself together, trying not to lash out at Tonks' unwanted attention, Molly, Arthur and Fleur Delacour arrived, all three of them worried for Bill.

At that point, Remus felt himself detaching. The heavy storm inside him was in danger of breaking. He was lost. He was losing the battle. The wolf inside him was howling, singing a song of fear and despair. Remus just wanted Tonks away from him, but she stubbornly stuck to his side.

Remus' voice shook when he explained to Arthur, Molly and Fleur that Bill was going to be okay. Bill had been severely mauled by Greyback, but since it wasn't under a full-moon and Greyback had been in human form, and that his wounds were no longer life-threatening, thanks to Poppy, the only thing they had to expect was if Bill now preferred his steak raw.

"Remus, let's get you to your quarters," Tonks whispered just after Fleur snapped at Molly, earning Molly's acceptance and everyone's current attention.

"No."

Remus realized he was shaking. Tonks had noticed it too, noticed how he was starting to fall apart. He growled, he couldn't form any more words. The wolf was reaching his surface and he tried to push it back, but the wolf fought back, still singing out its fear and despair. There were too many strong and dark human emotions rumbling inside Remus. The wolf couldn't take it anymore. And for some reason the wolf hated Tonks. Her presence was agitating it even more. Remus needed her away from him.

The growl must've been louder, must've been more threatening, because Tonks' eyes widened, her voice shook… "Remus?"

Everyone suddenly turned to them, the room quieted. Feeling their eyes, feeling Harry's especially… Shame washed over Remus when he realized Tonks was still holding onto his hand, how close she was to him.

Remus pulled his hand away. "Why the fuck are you acting so concerned over me? I'm fine! I'm nothing but an old werewolf to you! Leave me!" he snarled, stepping back.

Tonks flinched at his harsh tone of voice, her gaze taking in his golden eyes. "You're just saying that because you're hurt."

"I'm saying that because I don't need you playing nurse with me. If you think something between us could happen now after this!"

Vector and Hagrid, who had just come into the hospital wing and had been speaking to Minerva about Dumbledore's body, stopped mid-conversation with them. Vector's blue eyes landing on Remus and Tonks quarreling.

"That's no way to speak to Tonks," Vector said warningly to Remus.

"I don't need you to defend me!" Tonks snapped back, she then turned back to Remus. "What the bloody hell does that even mean?!" She stepped away, shaking her head. "I'm only trying to help you, I have no ulterior motives other than that, we are best friends, are we not? Isn't that what best friends are supposed to do? Be there for each other through times like this?"

Remus couldn't think of anything to say to that. He just wanted her gone so the wolf could calm down.

"I was only trying to help," Tonks continued, her eyes glistening with tears, one escaping and streaming down her cheek. "Why don't you just fucking get over yourself?" She then left the hospital wing, leaving the air tense and silent behind her.

Remus didn't dare look at anyone in that room, just kept his eyes on the closed door, guilt churning in his stomach. A small part of himself wanted to go after her, to apologize, he didn't want to lose another person that was close to him. But it was better this way. The wolf's violent reaction towards Tonks being so close to Remus reminded him of that. That he was nothing but a werewolf, an old, broken werewolf. He would only hold Tonks back, it was better that Tonks saw that now. Despite his betrayal, Severus had been right. Nothing good could ever come from Remus being friends with a young witch like her.

And now that the wolf was finally calming down, Remus felt his exhaustion washing over him.

"Harry," he said, turning his gaze to his cub who had been watching Remus with quiet worry from where he was sitting with his friends and Ginny.

Harry moved towards Remus, but was stopped by Minerva.

"Hold on, Potter."

Harry looked at his Head of House with a questioning look.

"Remus, I need to talk to Potter in…in… Well, I guess it's my office now… And the Heads of Houses as well. Horace, you can represent Slytherin for the time being…"

.

.

Remus hadn't been allowed to join the meeting. He wasn't a head of house and even though he and Harry were as close as a father and son, it wasn't on official documentation. He couldn't argue with the new headmistress, and Remus knew Minerva's decision to cast him out was mostly because of his outburst with Tonks, so Remus waited by the gargoyle for Harry to come back down once the meeting was done, intending to walk him back to Gryffindor tower. Even though Remus was still very much lost in his shock, his worry for Harry was what kept him from completely succumbing to it. He wasn't letting Harry out of anyone's sight for the next few hours, afraid that what happened tonight may cause Harry to fall back into his old habit of self-harm.

And so, Remus waited in numb silence, not allowing himself to think about anything, not allowing himself to feel guilt over the hurt feelings he caused to Tonks. His mind just stayed on Harry, and how quiet he'd been throughout everything.

When Harry finally rejoined Remus, he was still very much shell-shocked and silent, looking more exhausted than he did before the meeting. Remus didn't push him to talk. It had been a long night, and for Harry even longer, thinking again about the mission he had gone on with Dumbledore. Wondering what they had been doing, what Harry had found in the grass besides the body…

"I'll walk you back to Gryffindor tower, cub."

"No, I want to go to my bedroom… In my d…in… I want to be in my bed," Harry struggled to say.

"Are you sure?" Remus asked. "If you don't want to be in your dorm, you can sleep in my quarters. I'll take the sofa."

"No, I just want to be in my bed, in my room, alone," Harry pleaded, his voice filled with exhaustion and annoyance, and somewhat detached.

Remus watched Harry with a worried frown. He wondered if that's how he looked right now, himself. How his own voice sounded, and so he gave into Harry's request, leading the way towards the dungeons. He couldn't understand the reason behind Harry's request. The thought of going in there made Remus want to be sick… A reminder of what they lost tonight… But that was what Harry wanted, probably needed right now.

As they walked, the castle was eerily quiet after all of the chaos that happened tonight. Flames flickered from the sconces on the wall, the yellow light growing dimmer the further they walked, the corridors growing darker the closer they got to the dungeons.

They entered Severus' quarters. The emptiness of it, the silence, the coldness… It was as terrible as the coldness that had glittered in Severus' eyes. It washed over Remus like a cold tidal wave, causing him to shiver, almost sweeping him off his feet.

Being in here, it was like taking that dagger that was embedded into Remus' heart, pushing it down deeper and deeper than cruelly yanking it out.

Remus grasped Harry's shoulder. Harry stiffened from his touch, but he didn't shake Remus' hand away. Remus wondered if Harry was feeling the same thing as they stood there in silence, wondering what was going on in his cub's head. Harry felt so far away from Remus at that moment. He was just so quiet and closed-in. After all the progress Harry had made on improving his mental-health over the year, it seemed as if it had all evaporated the moment Severus casted his wand on Dumbledore, on Harry….

They were both terribly betrayed tonight, both terribly left behind, and in the cruelest way possible. Both left wondering if the Severus they had known, the one Remus had fallen so deeply in love with, the one Harry had learned to trust, had loved him as his own father… That version of Severus Snape that no one else but them saw, if he had ever been real?

Had it ever been real?

They stood in the living room for another moment, not a word spoken between them, until Harry finally stepped away from Remus and stormed into his room, shutting the door behind him.

Remus sighed, following after his cub, but he was stopped by a locked door.

Remus wasn't surprised at all. This was Harry only saying that he needed space, and so Remus would give it to him. He muttered the spell over the room to alert him if Harry were to harm himself. And not knowing what else to do after that, Remus sank to the floor, his back resting against the door, somehow just knowing that Harry was sitting on the other side.

"I'm still here, cub," Remus said quietly, but just loud enough that his voice traveled from underneath the crack between the door and the floor. "I'm still here." And Remus heard the quiet sniffle, the quiet beginnings of a heartbroken son.

It felt like hours until he could hear Harry settling down. Remus stayed by that door as if his life depended on it, listening for anything that sounded remotely suspicious to self-harming. And when he felt the magic that kept the door locked, break away, Remus stood on shaking legs and opened it to find Harry asleep on the floor.

"Oh, cub," Remus whispered, feeling sick with heartbreak.

He scooped Harry up and laid him on his bed, pulling off his shoes, careful to not wake him. Taking off his robes and his glasses, placing them on the nightstand. Remus then transfigured Harry's clothes into pajamas and covered him with his Gryffindor-colored comforter, trying not to think about the times Remus had watched Severus do the same thing for their kid. He then left the room, leaving the door wide open, that way he could hear Harry if he should wake.

And standing in the living room, Remus didn't know what to do with himself. He felt lost. He felt out of balance, as if he were missing a limb or if his wand had snapped in half. And he didn't know how to fix this. Dark eyes flashed through his mind, and really Remus just wanted to curl up in a ball and drown in his hurt. But he couldn't break like that…he couldn't…

Maybe a cup of tea could… Could what? A cup of tea could what? Could help? Take everything away? a small, broken voice challenged him in Remus' head. You need something else, you need something stronger. You need something that can make you nice and numb, until you forget, until you can't remember why you felt so broken in the first place…

Remus felt his hands shake, pushing that voice away, far away, where it couldn't entice him anymore.

He sat at the kitchen table, lukewarm tea in his hands. He had made it, but he couldn't drink it. It seemed like such a big task to just raise the mug to his lips. Remus couldn't even remember why he had even wanted it in the first place, maybe he just needed something to hold on to.

But now that he was alone, staring down at the warm, brown liquid that was supposed to bring him comfort but only made him feel sick, now that everything was done and over, and he couldn't help but remember with agony that pierced his very soul, of the times he and Severus had shared tea together on this very table, Remus realized that he didn't have to be strong just now. Harry was asleep. For just this moment, Remus didn't have to hold himself together for his cub. He could allow himself to fall apart.

Remus' eyes burned at the thought, his insides suddenly clenching so very painfully. He was sure he was going to be sick, his stomach hurting. His lungs felt like a band had wrapped around them, constricting them from expanding. His heart felt as if Severus' hand had wrapped itself around it and was squeezing it until it couldn't beat anymore.

Remus gasped, closing his eyes, clenching the fabric over his chest.

His heart felt like it stopped beating and he felt like screaming, he wanted to scream it out until his voice ran hoarse, until this terrible agony could finally leave his body, but he didn't, he couldn't, he would wake Harry up. It would wake him, and Remus didn't want Harry to think that he was losing another parent.

And the wolf inside his soul, it felt it all. It felt Remus' heart breaking, his soul ripping to pieces, felt him being consumed in heartbreaking waves of agony and hurt and grief and anger and betrayal and confusion, as a heavy downpour of tears that Remus had been holding onto all night finally escaped him, his throat choking up.

The wolf hated it. It howled, it writhed until Remus definitely felt as if he were to be sick at any moment. He was losing control of the wolf, but he held onto himself as tightly as he could, as stubbornly as he could.

Why couldn't the wolf just allow Remus to grieve without it growing agitated like this?

And for a second, for a second, when Remus knew his eyes were shining golden, when the wolf was so very close to his surface that it most likely could be seen in his face, he thought about just giving into it. The thought of losing himself in the blissful darkness of suppression by the wolf, of non-existing, then he wouldn't have to feel this terrible agony anymore. He wouldn't have to suffocate in it.

It was only Harry that was the reason why Remus held on and pushed the wolf back with its tail between its legs and a whine of defiance and defeat.

Remus really thought he knew Severus. He really thought that Severus had changed, that he was the only one special enough to see the pieces of Severus that were always so well-hidden underneath that mask. It was all so stupid to believe that, to believe everything Severus had said to him. Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater, the truth of that stung, causing more hot and heavy tears to come down, until a soft and choked sob escaped Remus' mouth.

When the surge of hurt ran its course, leaving Remus numb, his eyes closed, leaning his head into his hands with his elbows on the table. In a terrible silence that was interrupted by the soft tickings of the clock and the muffled sounds of Harry sleeping, of the birds outside the enchanted windows starting to sing, gray morning light trickling in. Remus spent the early hours looking back into every single memory that he had of Severus this past year, trying to find a point where there was a glimpse of any sign of the stranger Remus saw last night. Any point in time where that stranger with his cold, glittering black eyes had shone through and Remus hadn't known it, hadn't seen it, blinded by idiotic love.

He couldn't find anything, and now all he could think about was that January ninth, when they danced together in Severus' living room. How Remus sang in Severus' ear, holding him close and swaying to the beat. How they had kissed each other that night. How Severus had looked at Remus that night.

How could all of that had been a lie? How could all of that only had been Severus pretending to be someone that never existed?

The way Severus touched Remus that night, the way he whispered his love to Remus. The way Severus pushed into him, the way Severus held Remus so very close as if he were afraid to lose him.

Was it all just pretend? Was any of it real? Was anything between them real?

That night, Remus had counted Severus' breaths.

That night, it had rained.

That night, they had made love again against the sound of the heavy downpour hitting the window. The smell of the rain had mingled with Severus' scent. It had been so enticing, mingled with the scents of what they had just done in the sheets of Severus' bed, as Remus whispered to Severus that they were soulmates. Severus was Remus' soulmate.

Was that version of Severus that night only an act? Had he never existed? He never existed. Severus had played Remus like a fool in love.

But why? Why? Why? Why? Was this payback for all the years Severus spent being bullied by Remus' friends? The ultimate revenge?

Remus just didn't know. He didn't know, grasping at torn threads of what he thought was their relationship.

More hot and heavy tears ran down Remus' face, this time they were angry tears, full of anger and humiliation. He then suddenly got up and stormed into Severus' room.

There had to be more. There had to be something, anything that Remus might have missed. There was no bloody way Severus was that good, no way was he able to fool him and Harry that easily and so cruelly. There had to be something here. Something with answers. Anything!

And before Remus knew it, in a blind rage of hurt and humiliation, he was tearing Severus' room apart, searching for any little clue, anything that could answer his questions. Anything that could tell him exactly who the real person Severus was, the real version of himself that he kept hidden from Remus.

Was Severus ever truly the man Remus fell in love with, who Harry loved as his dad? Or was he that stranger? The murderer, the traitor, the Death Eater with those glittering black eyes? The one who held his wand out to their kid, ready to attack. Who the fuck was Severus Snape? This whole time…this whole fucking time!

In the chaotic mess of the room, the sheets torn off the bed and the mattress flipped over, the closet thoroughly searched, clothes and books and everything scattered and opened, Remus stood at Severus' desk. He didn't find anything except these books linking him to the Severus he fell in love with. Books on how to care for teenagers dealing with trauma of abuse, depression, P.T.S.D and research notes on Remus' own trauma, research notes on how to improve the Wolfsbane Potion. There was also an old box filled with drawings that looked like Harry's. Remus shrunk the box and tucked it safely away into his pocket. And as he did that, the gleam of the tungsten ring on his finger caught his eye.

Remus stared at it for a second, numb, frozen, falling apart as he replayed the day Severus got on his knees and had slipped it onto his finger. Quiet and slow tears fell from his eyes, the droplets landing on the books. Did Severus care for him and Harry for just a moment? While he was undercover for Voldemort, were there moments that he felt like maybe he could really love them? Was that moment, the words he said, sliding the ring onto Remus' finger with promises, was that real? And somehow these books, these research notes, gave Remus a bit of hope that it could be, but his heart was too broken and he couldn't think about it anymore, what these books and notes might mean…what they could mean….

Remus took the ring off and placed it among the books and research notes. This ring didn't feel right on him anymore. It belonged to a different version of himself, the version of himself who was in love with Severus Snape. Not this broken mess that he was now.

And sighing out, Remus turned and he saw the closed door to the Potions lab. He went inside, wiping the tears away. He was a bit more careful as he searched through the vials and cauldrons. Then on the workbench, there was an empty box with an empty vial, and next to it there were more books and research notes, but not on teenage depression and trauma or on the Wolfsbane Potion…

Remus read through them, gasping with shock.

Animagus.

These were notes on how to become an Animagus!

Was Severus planning on becoming one?

Severus Snape and all of his secrets…

Did he succeed? And why did he do it? Who was this for? Voldemort? Dumbledore? Or could it have been… Remus swallowed, his throat hurting, his body shaking, could it have been for him? To run with Remus during the full-moons like James and Sirius had done for him?

The notes didn't really give much away. It was just jotted down records of the steps he took. Severus had been working on it for half the year, and according to the notes, he'd been stuck on one of the last steps, hearing the second heart-beat.

Remus looked at the empty box with a frown of confusion and wonder. Was Severus ever able to hear it? Had he'd been able to complete the process and just never got the chance to write it down? The vial was gone. Remus looked through the papers once more, opening the books for anything he might've missed, but there was nothing.

Remus didn't know what to do. He needed a drink. That enticing voice was coming back, his hands were shaking. He needed to drink, to take all of this away. To be numb, to just be numb. This search didn't give him any answers, only more questions. More hidden secrets. He was still confused as ever on who exactly was Severus Snape.

And before Remus knew it, he was in the kitchen, searching, but there was nothing. Not a drop of the red wine Severus would drink anywhere.

If he was really undercover for Voldemort this whole time, wouldn't Severus pretend to not drink anymore for Remus? Wouldn't he still keep bottles hidden in the safety and privacy of his own kitchen? Did he really stop drinking to keep undercover or perhaps he really did feel something for Remus?

Remus slid to the floor. His knees couldn't hold him up anymore. His back leaning against the cabinets, and he buried his face into his hands.

I've fallen in love with a character, a fictional character that Severus Snape had made up for me…to torture me…

And the thought of never being able to talk to his Severus again…

More hot and heavy tears, a painful cry caught in his throat, trying to escape.

"Remus?" Harry's voice traveled from his bedroom.

Remus didn't respond, he couldn't. He was trying to reign himself in, trying to stop the silent tears that just kept falling.

He could hear Harry going into Severus' room. "Bloody hell," Remus heard Harry say when he found the mess Remus had left.

"Papa, where are you?"

And that term of endearment found Remus' voice. "In the kitchen," he croaked.

He kept his face hidden in his hands, the tears out of sight. He was still falling apart and he didn't want Harry to see, and he felt so embarrassed when he heard Harry coming in.

"Oh," Harry said softly.

Then suddenly Harry was beside Remus, pulling him into his arms, and this time it was Remus breaking down, it was Remus sobbing so heartbreakingly into Harry's arms, and Remus felt so wretched about it. He was the parent, he was supposed to be the one holding Harry up, being there for him, being strong for him, being the anchor for him, not breaking down in front of his cub like this, not Harry holding Remus up and being all of those things for him.

This just wasn't how things were supposed to be…causing another gut-wrenching sob to shake him.

Severus, how could you do this?

Harry just held on.

And when the persistent, traitorous tears finally stopped flowing, Remus pulled himself away from Harry, wiping his tears away, running his hands through his hair, pushing it away from his face, trying to pull himself together.

Remus could feel Harry watching him the whole time, and when he finally met his cub's worried green gaze, he choked out, "Harry, cub, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you saw me like that, I didn't mean for you to see me… I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Harry said. "Don't be sorry, he hurt both of us, not just me, he hurt you too. He lied to both of us."

"Yeah, but I need you to see that you can depend on me through this."

"You don't have to be strong for me, if you need a moment to break down, to cry, it's okay, papa. I'm not a little kid, I'm almost seventeen. Seeing adults cry doesn't scare me. It humanizes you. Isn't that worth something to you?"

That caused a small watery smile on Remus' face.

"I saw Snape's room, what were you looking for?"

"I don't really know to be honest with you, cub, maybe for some kind of sign that he was really real.. That this whole time…the Severus we knew, wasn't all just an act… That the Severus we saw last night wasn't really him."

"Did you find anything?" Harry's voice croaked

Remus handed Harry the box of drawings, whose chin wobbled at the sight of them. He shoved them away. "I don't want them."

Remus only nodded, pocketing the box again.

"Just research notes on how to care for you and your mental health, for my trauma with Greyback, and notes on improving the Wolfsbane…and…" Remus stopped, considering for a second if he should mention the Animagus thing.

"Notes on becoming an Animagus," Harry said.

Remus raised an eyebrow at the sudden confession. "You knew?"

Harry nodded, "He told me just before Christmas, it was supposed to be a surprise for you. He made me swear not to tell you."

"He was planning on becoming an Animagus for me?"

Remus' head was spinning. Was this what he was looking for? Proof that his Severus was real? Why would Severus plan to do such a difficult, magical transformation if what he had felt for Remus was all fake? Unless…he was really doing this for himself, but lied to Harry about the real reason for it, but then why tell Harry about it?

Just more questions on top of questions, theories on top of theories, keeping Remus from ever really knowing exactly who Severus was.

"Do you know if he completed it?" Remus asked, his voice filled with frustration.

"I asked him about it not long ago… He said no, it was going to take a long time and he had no idea what animal form he was going to take."

Remus could only let out a sigh of defeat.

Harry gave him a sympathetic glance, and then said, "I think… I think I saw the real Severus Snape tonight, I think what you found, it can mean anything, Remus, and it can be nothing…"

"That's exactly what I was thinking," Remus whispered, his broken heart squeezing at the hurt coming out of his own voice.

It was silent between them again. Remus glanced at Harry who had his knees up to his chest, his arms tightly wound around them. His green eyes looking down at the floor, distant, lost in his thoughts.

"Harry, you're so far away from me, talk to me, cub."

"I just needed time…" Harry muttered.

"I know."

Harry glanced at him with sorrow in his green eyes, then finally told Remus everything that had happened between him and Severus before Remus chased Severus off the grounds.

Remus listened with concealed anger towards Severus. Feeling his heart break even more at the things Severus had told Harry, the way he attacked him.

"Having to play happy family with you and that werewolf!"

Remus had inwardly flinched at that, those biting words hurting him worse than anything tonight. Proof that his Severus was never his at all.

"We're finally free of each other!"

But are you just as free sitting by Voldemort's side? Remus thought. I never thought you would feel so trapped by us…

And when Harry was done, Remus asked, "Cub, was there any moment? Any moment, any sign you saw that he might be acting still, even if he did kill Dumbledore… Was there anything?"

Harry shook his head, "No," he said softly with hopelessness. "What I saw, it was real, I know it was. I looked into his eyes, I heard his voice, I couldn't see Severus, I couldn't see my dad," his voice shaking, Harry suddenly broke down.

Remus gently pulled Harry to his side, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, comforting him.

"We'll get through this together. He may have left us, but we still have each other… We're going to get through this…"

Harry only continued to cry.

"Cub…" Remus sighed with grief.

He picked up Harry's hand, pressing it flat against his chest, that way Harry could feel Remus' heartbeat, just in case he should fall into a panic attack. Remus wanted Harry to stay with him.

"We're going to get through this," Remus whispered again. "Do you feel my heartbeat?"

Harry could only nod through his tears.

"We're going to get through this, cub."

And once Harry's moment of grief passed away, together they stayed sitting side by side until the rising sun began to brighten up the kitchen. Lost in their own thoughts, lost in their own hurt and confusion and anger to why all this had to happen.

"Come on, cub," Remus finally said after their long spell of silence. "Let's pack up what you want to take, then let's get out of here."

A/N: Believe me, it was so hard writing this. Anyway, please leave your thoughts and thank you for all of your wonderful comments! Just one more chapter left, it'll be posted by December or earlier. Just keep checking every weekend.