'Dreams: the only place you can eat an ink cartridge and no one will bat an eye...'

My dear mum, who really does have the strangest dreams.

A/N

This fic - or complete load of crack - came into creation after my mum read the Harry Potter series for the first time. As her daughter, and someone who comes up with some of the weird stuff I do, it really makes me think that maybe the apple hadn't fallen to far from the tree...

Her Majesty, the Queen of England, was on a mission.

She had decided, after all the stress and wars that her dear country had been through, that her life had need of excitement - and what better way to achieve that then to go on an adventure with none other than Severus Snape?

She dragged the reclusive wizard from the hallowed halls of Hogwarts not soon after he'd recovered from that nasty bite - much to his chagrin - and was determined to get him to 'live a little'.

And so, these two unlikely companions embarked on an unusual escapade.

On one fine evening, they found themselves prowling the streets of England, looking for a certain house in particular. The Queen was armed with three cartons of eggs, and Severus Snape had been given a role he had never imagined: the toilet paper distributer.

Her Majesty had only explained to the wizard that they were going to have some 'fun', and Severus, all the while biting his tongue, couldn't help but wonder what three dozen eggs and a twenty-four pack of toilet paper had to do with having fun.

If anything, he felt like he was stocking up for some horrid pandemic or something.

"Your Majesty, this is highly irregular," Snape protested as they came upon their first target, the Queen doing a rather bad impression of a burglar as she scouted the building - her crown and rather flashy shoes looking far more out of place than the darkly-dressed Potions Master who's arms were ladened with loo paper.

The Queen just grinned mischievously as she glanced back to the wizard, plucking an egg from one of the cartons as she told him, "Severus, sometimes, my dear boy, one must break not only a few rules, but also a few eggs to truly live. Come on, this one's recently installed cameras, let's find another house."

And so off they went again, Her Majesty and Potions Master, strolling through the streets of England looking for a place to - from what Severus gathered - throw a few eggs at.

The wizard still wasn't certain as to what all the toilet paper was for, though.

As they approached a quaint, seemingly ordinary house, Severus suddenly found himself fumbling as the Queen silently handed him an egg; the Potions Master almost dropping the bag of paper as he did so. Yet he had no time to protest, or even question what exactly Her Majesty wanted him to do with the egg, as the Queen, with an eerily precise accuracy, let her own loose towards the house.

The sound of the egg's impact upon the front door reverberated through the quiet night, and Severus found himself staring at the Queen with a rather gobsmacked expression marring his features.

She... Her Majesty... She didn't just throw an egg at that house.

Did she?

Severus blinked.

"Your Majesty, this is hardly befitting your station," he remarked, trying to reason with the Monarch. "Perhaps we should consi-"

But before he could finish his sentence, the Queen had already let her second egg loose. "Severus, you're overthinking it. Just relax, and let the egging commence! This bastard owes me fifty quid from last month's poker game and he hasn't paid up. This is the least I can do, and I do quite enjoy the splattering sound they make upon impact."

Severus Snape couldn't help but be bewildered by the Queen's antics. However, and as he threw his own egg at a window, something within the wizard shifted. He didn't know quite as to how, but he was having... fun?

The tension he'd been carrying for years, the stresses and worries he'd harboured all on his own during both wizarding wars, seemed to melt away with each egg he threw, and without the Potions Master even being aware, both he and the Queen moved from house to house, egging each with abandon.

It wasn't until Her Majesty began to laugh heartily as an egg splattered on the wall above an opened window and dripped inside did Severus truly comprehend the reason behind her 'fun'. The Queen was letting off steam. People had slighted her in the past, and instead of going about it like the customs of her ancestors - you know, beheading or exiling them - she chose to take her anger out on their houses.

It was her was of having a harmless, therapeutic release.

Severus Snape stopped dead in his tracks; his heart feeling lighter than it had been in years. "Your Majesty," he said, gaining the Queen's attention after she let another egg loose. "I think I finally understand your definition of 'fun'. It is rather therapeutic."

The Queen could only grin, winking at him as she said, "That's the spirit, my boy."

A wry, rather terrifying smile grew on Severus' lips as he pondered something. And it wasn't long until the raising eyebrow on Her Majesty's forehead was satisfied as the Potions Master asked, "May I choose the next house? There's a certain... mutt that I thing deserves a few eggs. Though I am curious, what's with the toilet paper?" as he held up the bag he'd been carrying.

Chuckling, the Queen replied with a hearty, "Now you're getting it. Show me this house, and I'll show you the fine art of loo paper drapery."

And so, Severus Snape and the Queen of England continued their egging escapade, taking turns targeting the houses of those who had wronged them. It was an unconventional adventure, but it was precisely the kind of 'fun' that they had both needed in their lives. And if one Sirius Black did happen to wake up trapped within his own home, the doors and windows sealed by an impenetrable wall of toilet paper? Well, no one heard about that until the Muggles in the townhouses next door begun to find random bits of wet and decomposing toilet paper floating into their yards from places unseen...

Fin...