Chapter 42: It's Just Begun

Riley had to admit, she was starting to get really antsy the more that they prepared and prepared. And though she knew that they needed to work together in order to win this, the idea of going off and doing this on her own was getting more and more tempting, especially after learning that Sasha and Rosita went off by themselves. While she knew that everyone wanted to kill Negan at varying degrees, the thought of it being anyone but herself made her stomach twist in selfish desire. She wanted to be the one to kill him. She wanted to watch the life fade from his eyes as she dug her knife deeper and deeper into his chest. She could feel the blood dripping along her fingers, and the piercing of metal into flesh, his grunts of pain, and his pleading for mercy….

The door opened, bringing her back to reality as she sliced open the apple on the table in front of her, radiating more and more tension with each swipe. She didn't look up at Maggie as she entered; that woman was very perceptive and would know exactly what she was thinking. And as if on cue….

"You okay?"

Riley clenched her jaw, putting the knife down and taking a slice of apple. "Fine. Just tired of waiting."

There was no point in lying to the woman. Over the weeks and months and days of knowing her, they'd become close enough that lying wouldn't work.

"I know. But this is how we make sure that we win," Maggie assured, joining her at the table.

She said nothing, eyes out of focus as she mindlessly chewed on the fruit. Maggie's words were true, and she knew that. But it was getting harder and harder to suppress the bloodlust seeping into her body. It didn't help that she hadn't seen Carl in so long. He was the one who kept her grounded and soothed the dark thoughts. His absence was starting to take a toll.

"I know you've been thinking about it since Sasha and Rosita left," Maggie started, placing a hand on her arm.

Riley nearly jumped at the contact, her eyes flickering up.

"We need you here. And the last thing I want, or Carl would want, is for you to die trying."

"I wouldn't die," Riley said before thinking. "And even if I did, as long as he went with me….."

The woman's eyes flashed with concern. "You don't mean that."

"Maybe I do…"

The words sucked the oxygen from the room, tightening around her throat. She could see Maggie's eyes flashing with different emotions and Riley regretted everything instantly. Not only did she feel guilty, but she knew that now the woman would be keeping a sharper eye on her to make sure she didn't go anywhere.

"Listen to me, Riley. You can't do this. I can't lose you. Carl can't lose you. Not after everything we've been through. You can't do this to me."

Her stomach dropped as she eyed the unshed tears in the brunette. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt anyone, especially Maggie. She had lost too much to lose anyone else. But it was so hard to suppress this growing darkness in her chest, taking over, making the only thing on her mind killing Negan.

Riley clenched her fists and drew in a sharp breath. "I'm sorry. I just….I can't see Negan get away. I'm getting tired of waiting. If I hadn't missed the shot…."

The woman across from her reached out and gave her arm a squeeze. "You did nothing wrong. Don't make me have to beat it into you like I did with Daryl."

She let out a short laugh, nodding. "I know. I know it's not my fault. I just sometimes can't help but think about how things would have been different."

"We won't ever know that. And it'll just distract us from changing things now. You can change things now. We just have to make the best decisions to make this go right."

Maggie was right. It was just getting increasingly hard for her to remember.

"Now come on. You've got weapons training and I know everyone is eager to learn from you," Maggie said with a small smile.

Riley's lips tugged upwards and she pushed out of her chair. At least this would distract her and maybe, just maybe, she could make it through this day.

Even though it proved to help her get through the next few hours, it wasn't quite enough. By nightfall, she was stewing over her conversation with Maggie, and letting the violent thoughts consume her mind. Since when did she become so comfortable with the violence? This world was brutal, but she could remember a time when it made her insides cringe. Now…now she seemed to crave it, to need it. What did that make her? She could remember when the word monster was something she felt like she had to run away from.

Now….she felt like embracing it.

Something had changed in her from her time away from her family in Alexandria. The fighting and clawing to keep her lungs breathing and heart pumping morphed her into something different. Now all she felt was numbness and a thirst for revenge that might make her feel something again. She knew what Carl would say, but in the early hours, when the sun started to filter through the glass panes, she left.

Riley strapped a gun to her hip and a knife to her belt and she crept through the quiet rustlings of morning. She made her way to the small escape route that had been made for emergencies and didn't look back. If she did, she knew that she would hesitate, reminded of Maggie's face.

It felt good to be outside the walls of Hilltop. As nice of a community as it was, her inability to leave caged her. Now, she could walk freely through the trees, feeling the crisp air sting her lungs and the crinkle of undergrowth beneath her boots. She could imagine a much younger Carl next to her, and her body changed into that of her younger self. They had been through so much together, and though she embraced their home now, part of her craved the feeling of just the two of them, learning to trust one another and navigating their days through the trees.

Not only did she have a boyfriend who she would die for, she had a family that she couldn't imagine living without. And all of it was because of him and their journey from Georgia to here.

Riley swallowed thickly, suddenly feeling a sharp throbbing in her chest. Her hand shot out to grab the tree next to her and she fell into a crouch, desperately trying to flush her body with air that only sliced her insides even more. Her hands began to shake, scraping along the ridges of bark as she clung for her life. She fought back the cotton in her mouth, running her sandpaper tongue across the roof of her mouth. What the fuck was happening to her?

She blinked away the blurry faces of a fifteen-year-old Carl and herself, leaning heavily against the tree and plopping down until she was curled against the gnarled roots. Her breaths came shallow and quick, chasing after a relief that never came; not until the black spots in her eyes shut everything out but the breeze caressing her skin.

Riley didn't know how long she stayed there, curled up and trembling for a reason she didn't understand, but when everything came rushing back to her it almost didn't feel real. Her survival instincts kicked in and she shot to her feet, whipping around to make sure no walkers or humans snuck up on her while she was incapacitated. Everything was quiet.

The heaviness in her body brought her shoulders into a sag. Her knees felt as if they couldn't support her weight - like she had run from walkers for miles. She wasn't sure of what to make of the flood of emotions and feelings her body radiated. Where did it even come from? She never had these feelings so strongly before, especially not so strong that they sucked the energy from her limbs. The feeling of panic settled freshly in the back of her mind, and she tried to force it away, staggering toward the road poking through the trees. It would be easier for her to navigate in her weakened state.

She felt her hand moving on its own as it pulled the gun from her hip, clutching it tightly as she moved forward. Every sense in her body was heightened and dulled at the same time. It felt too exhausting to focus on her surroundings, but she could still see every movement out of the corner of her eyes.

It was only when she reached the next intersection that the sound of a truck finally registered in her mind. She urged her stiff limbs to move toward cover, but her mind was moving faster than her body. In frustration, she dived behind the nearest cluster of bushes, air rocketing out of her lungs as she landed harshly on her side.

Riley stilled as she heard the truck screech to a stop. Her finger flicked off the safety of her gun and she peered through the branches, trying to see if it was anyone she knew, friend or foe. Her stomach churned at the sight of Simon and some of the other Saviors, but whatever nausea lined her throat disappeared at the sight of Negan himself, cocking a hip against the truck and lugging Lucille over his shoulder.

"Now I coulda sworn that was our little friend, Riley," he said loudly, eyes scanning the woods.

His voice stirred the beast hiding in her chest.

"Simon, Dwight…why don't you take a walk? See if you can find this mystery girl of ours," he suggested, eyes sparkling.

They would find her here. But she still had a few moments to use her hiding to her advantage. There was a possibility she could get a shot on Negan from here. Even if it wasn't a kill shot, it would keep him down until she could kill the others and then get to him and end it once and for all. Her heart began to pump faster and faster until it was roaring in her ears. This could be it. She could do this here and now.

Her vision crimsoned as she pulled the gun to aim through the bushes. Dwight and Simon had wandered off out of sight somewhere, but she didn't care. She was going to kill this man if it was the last thing she did. With her finger squeezing the trigger, the gun fired loudly. But it was only a few seconds later when she realized that it wasn't her gun. And that a hot, scorching pain was pulsating from her shoulder.

With a shuddering gasp, she rolled over to see that Simon was a few strides away, aiming a smoking pistol at her. Every string of curses she could think of ran through her brain as she struggled to claw away to cover, the adrenaline fighting with the pain at every move she made. Simon charged toward her and she made a blind shoot over her shoulder that sent shockwaves chattering through her skull. She barely made it five feet before she was inevitably yanked upright and relieved of her gun.

Both Simon and Dwight had hold of her, one on each side, but she didn't stop her struggling. Through the white-hot pain, she flailed and kicked and snarled, but it was no use. By the time the two of them had gotten her in front of Negan, her head felt like a rock and everything around her was spinning.

"My, my…. I never thought I'd see you again!" Negan chuckled, leaning down so he was in her line of vision as her head bowed. "You know, I knew you had to be alive somewhere. Despite my best efforts, we didn't find you at Alexandria. But knowing you….you wouldn't roll over and kick the bucket that easily."

His hand found her chin, tilting her head slightly so she could look at him. And though she wanted to fight….she couldn't tell left from right with how much her head was spinning. But she didn't need to know that to use her voice.

"Go to hell," she spit, swallowing thickly as blood steadily dripped down her shoulder.

He chuckled again, releasing her chin. "Look at you. Thinking you're tough shit…. I don't think you'll be thinking the same thing when we get to Alexandria to put everyone in line."

Her eyebrows furrowed and for a moment her demeanor wavered. Negan didn't miss this, and his face stretched into a shit-eating grin.

"We know about Rick's little plan to try and take control," he murmured, getting closer to her. "And we're gonna have to remind him why that's a bad idea, if you catch my drift."

She turned her face away, gritting her teeth. It felt like she was destined to repeat everything that happened the first time. She couldn't make the shot. She couldn't save her family….

No. Not again. Riley wouldn't let this happen again. If she had to die in the process, so be it. She had already prepared herself for that possibility in the first place. Her eyes darted to the two men holding her. Simon had a knife hanging from his belt loop that she could easily access if she was quick enough. And given her position slightly lowered and on her knees….

Without another thought, she took the opportunity. In one fluid motion, she jerked herself toward Simon, slamming her head right between his legs. Dwight's grip on her loosened in surprise and Simon's released completely as he keeled over. With her free hand, she jerked the knife from his belt loop, using her momentum to slam her body against Dwight to topple him over. Negan had pulled out his gun and pressed it against her head just as she grabbed his shirt collar to press the knife against his throat.

Her shoulder was throbbing painfully, making it difficult to even keep the knife held in place as she stared at him, eyes flashing with hatred and rage. It was a stand-off, with his gun at her head and her knife at his throat, but even in this deadly situation, Negan chuckled.

"I shoulda known, kid. You got the same look that Rick had before I splattered your people's brains in the dirt. Maybe it's Carl's turn."

Riley's knife dug into his neck, making beads of blood drip slowly. He cocked the gun, sending vibrations against her skull.

"I'll die before you touch any of them ever again," she snarled. "Just you and me. Right here, right now."

They both stared at each other, daring the other to make the first move. But before she could slice through his neck, a searing pain ripped through her shoulder.

Riley cried out, the knife tumbling from her hand and into the dirt as fingers dug into the gunshot wound in her shoulder. She collapsed on her knees, vision turning blurry as she tried desperately to shy away from the white-hot pain. Simon hovered over her, thumb smoldering against her wound, as someone else came up behind her to tie her hands. Whatever energy she had left was used up on her lunge at Negan, so she could only sag to the ground as she was bound, the rope digging tightly into her wrists. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes as she tried to regain her focus, but she would not let them fall. Not in front of them. She would not be weak.

Negan tsked and yanked her to her feet, grip tight on her elbow. "Close, but no cigar, kid. You bet your ass I'm not letting you get away like you did last time. But first, we have to make a little stop at your house. And I know you'll want to be paying attention when we get there."

She kept her head bowed, trying not to think about what was going to happen now because of her failure, yet again, to kill Negan. She had been so close both times. How did he keep slipping through her fingers like this?

A few others muttered some words to her but she couldn't pay attention. When they realized she was done fighting, they loaded her up into the truck, squished in the middle seat between Negan and Simon. Her spirit curled up deep inside her, and all she could do was huddle and try to focus on forcing away the pain in her shoulder and trying not to notice the slow drip of blood down her back.

The whole drive back to Alexandria felt like a fever dream. But Riley found herself more awake by the time she could see the walls of home. Eugene had started blaring some speech through a megaphone as they rolled up, but her eyes flickered across the top of the fence, keenly searching for anyone. The only one she could spot over the top was Rick, standing confidently, ready to fight the second he needed to. She was sure they couldn't see her from here, but maybe that was a good thing. She didn't want them doing anything stupid just because she was captured.

But in the blink of an eye, she saw a group of unfamiliar people turn their guns against her family. She tensed, sitting up straighter, which only caused Negan to grin as he opened up the door and pushed himself out of the truck. A small group of the Saviors gathered outside of the truck, but she was forced to stay put, Simon leaning against the opened door, close by in case she tried something.

Negan began to speak, telling Rick he was just about to get his people killed for his decisions, saying some other stupid things with his explicit way of talking, before summoning Simon and Dwight to do their part. Dwight went up to the box on top of the one truck, unclasping the ropes, while Simon helped her out of her seat.

Even with slightly blurred vision, she could see Rick's heart drop through the reflection in his eyes as he gazed upon her. Negan took her away from Simon and hoisted her up on the back of the truck, where a casket was raised ominously.

"Okay, so you don't like Eugene. But you guys gotta like Sasha. And I know at least one of you likes Riley," Negan said, a smirk pulling his lips.

She spotted the tip of a sheriff's hat over the top of the fence and she swallowed thickly, begging with everything she had in her body that he wouldn't do anything stupid.

"I got Sasha here packaged for your convenience. Alive and well. So I brought the two of them here, so I wouldn't have to kill all of you. And not killing all of you, could get complicated."

Carl's head slowly raised up as he unfurled himself from his crouch, and she locked eyes with his, a small shake of her head telling him not to do anything that might get him hurt.

"See, I know there's a lot of firepower left in there, Rick. So I'm gonna make this simple. I want all the guns you managed to scrape up. Yep. I know about those, too. I want every last grain of lemonade you got left. I want a person of your own choosing for Lucille," Negan bellowed. "And Daryl. Oooh I gotta get me my Daryl back."

He kept going, listing off more and more things he wanted, some stupid, others not so much. But the bottom line was that he was going to kill her and Sasha if they did not comply. And the rest of them, too.

Riley's jaw tightened as Negan moved closer to her, intentionally holding Lucille up close to her face, most likely to get a reaction out of Carl. And unfortunately, it worked.

Carl's muscles tensed as he moved to climb over the wall, but the man behind him pressed the gun right up to his head. Carl, I swear to god if you try anything else stupid….

Negan's face lit up like the Cheshire cat's and he shook his finger. "No, no. You might want to rethink that, Carl."

Her head was spinning, words exchanged between everyone becoming a jumbled mess, and she was sure that someone was going to shoot when everything fell to chaos. Negan opened up the casket and instead of a live and healthy Sasha, a very different version lunged out from the darkness. Walker Sasha pushed Negan right off the truck and she used the distraction to jump down, making a run for cover. Gunshots started firing behind her and she moved to the grass, ducking down behind a large boulder as a bullet whizzed past her head. The first thing she did under cover was grab the sharpest rock she could and gnaw it through the rope until her hands were free.

Injured and without a weapon, she couldn't do much more than stay down and try to think of a way she could get her hands on a gun. The shots stopped coming at her and she moved without thinking, crawling toward the nearest body and freeing it of its gun. She just got it in time to spin on her back and fire a shot at one of the Saviors heading toward her.

With quick hands, she shot two more, and she was just about to shoot another when a hand grabbed her hair. Her scalp burned as the grip pulled harshly, dragging her across a rough patch of terrain and reopening whatever small clot her gunshot wound had formed.

Simon had hold of her and he got her to her feet, pressing a gun to her spine and shoving her roughly forward as they weaved in and out of bodies. Negan wasn't far ahead, and the gunshots dying down could only mean one thing. They lost.

She was brought to a small clearing by the gates, with Saviors circling Carl at the center, pressed to his knees. She was sure that she would be made to sit off to the side and watch, but Negan instead directed Simon to place her right next to Carl.

Her body trembled as she knelt in the dirt, so close to him, but afraid to make any movement toward him. She raised her head slightly, turning to look at him, but he was staring straight ahead, stiff as a board. She could practically see the wheels turning in his mind, thinking of a way to get out of this, or more likely to get her out of this. But she couldn't let him.

"Don't," she hissed through her teeth, reaching up to press her hand into her shoulder as blood soaked her shirt.

Carl's jaw twitched, but he said nothing, and his lack of response only made her feel panicked at what he was planning. But they didn't have to wait long before a woman brought an injured Rick through the crowd, making him join the two of them.

"Well, shit, Rick. You just couldn't stick with us, huh? You had to go with these filthy garbage people? No offense," Negan commented to the woman, whose only response was about whatever deal they had made.

As much as Riley was a fighter deep down, she knew this was it. Negan wouldn't let them get away with this again. They were cornered, and he was going to make them suffer. And judging by the way all of this seemed to center around Carl, she knew that Negan wasn't going to let him live.

The gravity of the situation finally struck her and she could barely breathe, barely think, barely see….

"I guess I gotta start all over again…."

She clutched the dirt, her heart squeezing uncomfortably in her chest.

"You're not gonna win," Carl sneered, turning to face Negan, but there was a soft edge to his voice. A tinge of hope.

And then they heard a scream in the distance. One that seemed too familiar, and she felt Rick still beside her for a moment, before frantically scanning every inch in his sight.

"Wow. You just lost somebody important to you right now - like, just now. Jesus. That. Is. Timing." Negan smirked as it clicked in her head.

Michonne.

"Well, Rick. You chose this. I truly don't know what more I could've done to warn you. And this isn't a warning. This is punishment. I'm gonna kill Carl now. I'm gonna make it one, nice, hard swing. Try to do it in one because I like him. I just want you to put that in your brain and roll it around for a minute. I'm gonna kill Carl, and then Lucille here? She's gonna take your hands."

Instead of fear, Negan was met with defiance from Rick. "You can do it right in front of me. You can take my hands. I told you, already. I'm gonna kill you. All of you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But nothing is gonna change that - nothing! You're all already dead."

Her spine tingled at the sincerity in his words. And she was grateful. Grateful that he could put exactly what she - what both of them - were feeling into words. But in that moment, that moment when Negan lurched to his feet and yanked the hat off Carl's head, she really realized what was about to happen.

Before the words could reach her throat and the energy could spring to her muscles, an earth-rattling roar erupted from behind her.

Sweat flung from her forehead as she whipped around to see a tiger leap through the air and pounce on one of the Saviors. Everyone scattered, gunshots starting up again as more people descended from seemingly nowhere. She felt Carl grab her wrist and she leaped unsteadily to her feet.

Riley snatched a gun from the ground as she stumbled after him, clinging desperately to his shirt to keep herself from toppling over. Everywhere she turned was another person appearing to help them fight against the Saviors, but all she could think about was how there was a tiger casually fighting for them and how she needed to get medical attention soon. Her shoulder was throbbing something awful, and most of her energy seemed to have seeped out with the blood.

She shot a few of the Saviors down as they made for cover. Carl pushed her down to the ground behind the corner of one of the houses and he leaned up to begin shooting anyone that came into sight. Her gun was gripped lazily in her hands, keeping an eye out in case anyone came around her side but not having much strength for anything else. She really was starting to feel sleepy….

After several agonizing moments, the gunshots began to die once more, and she saw a familiar face emerging from the smoke. Maggie slunk forward with a group around her, checking every corner as they made their way over. She knew the woman would be upset with her after this was all over, but just seeing her alive and well and here to help was more than enough for now.

"Maggie, can you get Riley to get patched up? I need to….I need to check on Michonne," Rick said, voice slightly panicked.

The woman nodded, bending down to assess her wounds. Carl leaned over, pressing a quick hug to her side before moving off without a word, anxious to find out what was going on with Michonne.

Maggie wordlessly helped her up, taking most of her weight as she led her through the aftermath of the fight. Bodies and guns littered the road, but any other traces of the Saviors had left.

In a haze, they made it to the infirmary and Riley collapsed down into the nearest bed, letting her head roll back against the pillows and letting out a deep sigh as Maggie began to strip her shirt so she could fix up her wound. Despite the pain and anxiety she must've caused the woman, Maggie merely let out a soft huff and nodded slightly.

"I'm glad you're alive," she murmured, tossing her blood-stained shirt aside.

Riley could already feel a few tears beginning to well at the corners of her eyes, and she swallowed thickly, wincing when her bra strap was moved aside to access the bullet hole. "I'm glad you are too."

The tense silence slipped into a more comfortable one as the woman worked on getting her patched up. Luckily, the bullet had gone straight through, so it just needed to be cleaned and stitched. The cleaning of the wound stung, but the stitching was brutal. But they had won. It was far from over, but they did it.

By the time she was finally patched up, her eyes pulled her into a deep sleep.

A/N: Guys. I did it. I could cry. I've finally written another chapter. It's been a freaking year. There has been so much madness going on in my life that feels like it never ends, but I'm graduated finally so I have more free time, and I'm focusing on my writing career now so I've been writing almost every day! With that, expect more regular updates! Two of the main reasons this chapter took so long was because I was rewatching twd to go back and refresh my memory, and the other was that I was making a super secret special treat for you guys to go along with this chapter! And without further adieu... I've made a short little book "trailer" video and uploaded it to youtube! It took me a long time to finish, and it's not anything super special, but it was super fun and it gave me a lot of muse for twd again which was awesome! So now, you can look it up on Youtube by simply searching "Forever Wandering" and finding the vid with Carl as the thumbnail or you can use the direct link (without all the spaces n shit): www . youtube . c|o|m / watch?v=3pxnxarvow8
I hope you guys enjoy it!

I also want to give you guys a little update on where this story is going to be headed from here on out. A while back, I had a poll for trying to figure out where to go, since Carl dies in the show, and the overwhelming majority vote was to rewrite canon where Carl lives. So don't you guys worry, I will be continuing into the final seasons with Carl intact! I think it'll be really interesting to insert his character into some of the situations in later seasons plus I really feel like his death was the wrong way to go for many reasons, so this'll be my little "fix-it" part of the fic haha.

Anyway, enough of me rambling. Guys I love you all so much and I appreciate you sticking with me for all of the inconsistent updates. It really means a lot to me that a lot of y'all are still interested in this. Please let me know what you think of this chapter and the little trailer I made, your feedback keeps my muse going! I hope you guys are doing well and I will be back with another chapter super soon! :)