CHAPTER XLII
Half an hour had passed since carrying out one grueling leg amputation and, as standard protocol dictated, she now found herself inspecting the instruments used in the procedure, verifying their sanitizing had been properly done; these could be need it anytime, especially now that the Training Corps division had finally initiated the preparation of a whole new generation, five days ago.
Mmmmm, the lady mumbled to herself as she gave a thorough look at the surgical saw her gloved hands were holding but frowned at the stain of blood on the handle, making a mental note to report the girls her senior colleague should have been overseeing but neglected lately.
"Mrs. Green" she suddenly heard, coming from the door, believing her growing discontent with the woman had somehow managed to summon her presence there.
"Mrs. Meyer" she greeted without letting go of the object while her colleague approached "I'm very glad you're here to check on your youngest team because, with all due respect, this is unacceptable".
Griselda handed the instrument to her, not minding her hands weren't exactly clean or empty. Mrs. Meyer placed the folders she'd been holding under her arm and took the item carefully, realizing it clearly had not been scrubbed enough before steaming in extreme heat to sterilize.
"Oh…I" the other woman bit her lower lip as she stared at the object for some time but when she looked back to her face, she kind of grunted in response "I'm afraid that's not what I'm here for. Dr. Nowak summoned all senior personnel, along with interns and trainees, to the lunchroom after the break" glancing at the clock on the wall, Griselda noticed that'd be in an hour "Worry not" she was brusquely given back the object "I'll make sure the responsible gets the corresponding warning for this. Just make sure to be there. It's important".
Having said that, the cranky lady simply turned and left the room, seeming somewhat exasperated and anxious yet she couldn't tell if it was out of her observation or whatever the boss had asked of her.
As if this wasn't… Griselda thought ironically while putting the instrument onto the metallic tray. In a huff, she fetched a piece of paper and a pen from one of the drawers and left a note beside it, letting one long, tired sigh out when she finished. She felt so tired, yet it'd been merely 5 hours since her shift commenced.
Is not like you slept much in the past days… her inner self pointed out as she went to the changing room before heading to the aforementioned place, bummed out and unable to stop thinking about her son and the fact that he'd have turned 31 today, wondering how he'd look but ending up devastated whenever she tried imagining the changes.
"Should I try convincing you to go home?" a concerned, familiar voice came from the left, and even though it was not loud, the nurse couldn't help being startled "Something's off with you today, Gris. Can I help?"
"Oh, dear" she greeted and put a hand to her chest when she realized her friend happened to be by her side "Don't do that, please! I'm too old for you to show up like this".
"Gris, I've been walking beside you for two minutes" okay, she could not blame the girl for the tilted head in confusion "Is this about the article?"
"Huh? What article?" she enquired, dodging a subject she seriously had no wish to talk about now.
"Nothing" Elia assured with a mild smile, obviously not wanting to disturb her despite it was something everybody had been discussing over the past week "What troubles you then? Is it the meeting? They said it's mandatory but…"
"Don't worry, dear. I'm fine. Just a little vexed over people's lack of commitment".
"Did something happen during a procedure?"
"Fortunately, no" she responded but would share the specifics with her friend once having spoken to their boss "Let's just say I'm not happy with how things are being run lately" the lady added, knowing Elia's sharp mind got what she meant.
She knew she was exaggerating things, but Griselda went for this not to burden the girl with her grief when hers was still too fresh. After all, she wasn't blind to how hard and diligently the young healer kept devoting herself to her job since days before Shiganshina events, about a month ago, surely not to spare herself a moment to think.
"Well, now that the doctor is back, it should get better, right?" her friend offered before opening the door for her, referring to Dr. Nowak's week away, that no one knew any detail about "Come on. Let's change and get some food".
"Uh, I'm not really into food at the moment but I'll join you nonetheless" the older woman noted the worry in her friend's eyes "How about we dine outside tomorrow night, for a change" she proposed, hoping that could cheer both up "What say you?"
The smile and nod coming from Elia seemed completely genuine, making her look happier than in a while, and though she still wasn't feeling her best, the older woman was glad to see her friend wasn't shutting her out, like before.
"It's a date, then" Griselda got the healer's hand and squeezed it gently before letting her go, so they could remove their aprons.
As they walked towards the lunchroom, the lady took some joy in hearing the whole story about Elia's boss, Mr. Lee, who'd decided to extend the store's left wing to set up a small bakery, reason why he'd given her friend this week and the next off.
"With his nose for a good business, Thomas is making an excellent empire, I tell ya" she guaranteed as they grabbed some bread, water, and a bowl of soup in Elia's case "The man tends to work with nothing but the best, so whatever he sells is going to taste far better than this" she gave a small bite to piece of bread and shivered.
Not long after having taken a seat, Jeyne, a girl from Elia's group, approached them, carrying her own tray but given she never shared meals with any of them, both have believed the young nurse was just passing by, until she cleared her throat to inform of her presence.
"Yes, dear?" Griselda greeted her whilst Elia discreetly looked at her with fair curiosity.
"Umm would you mind if I sit here with you?" the girl asked, darting her eyes from one to the other.
Griselda exchanged one quick look with her protégé, who was probably wondering the same: Why? She'd only asked this once before, when her group haven't been around, but they were there, right at the front, near the doctors' area, just as usual.
"Not at all" Elia answered, moving her chair a bit to make some space between them.
"I see you're not having much today, Mrs. Green" Jeyne commented after getting comfortable, and then added a little salt on her boiled egg while Elia had her soup "You okay?"
"Of course, dear. Just not hungry thanks to my morning porridge. Probably had too much" she answered evasively, deciding to change the subject "What happened with the other girls? Would they like to join us too?"
"Oh, no, Mrs. Green" Jeyne took a quick look at her group, chatting lively amongst themselves "Have you ever go through days when you just need some quietness around you?"
Griselda gave away a half smile because that's exactly how she currently felt, only the girl's presence wasn't helping; she had nothing against her, but it wasn't the same as talking to Elia alone, therefore, their conversation turned out to be mostly related to work and Jayne's complaints on the tasteless soup.
By the time she was done, long before them, all she'd wanted was to go outside and get some fresh air, but no one was leaving. Only when she saw her senior colleague leaving the room, she recalled why.
"Must be something big to gather us here, right?" Jeyne's voice brought her back to present, yet she was looking at her other student.
"It sure is, considering how nervous Mrs. Meyer seems" her protégé stated, briefly looking at her, as if she were asking whether she knew something, to what she shook her head no.
"Wow!" both turned to Jeyne, whose eyes rapidly fixed upon the entrance door "They could have told us we'd be having such fine visitors" the girl tried fixing her hair and dress while almost everyone inside the room got up from their seats in surprise and plenty started applauding.
What's this?! Her inner self protested when her eyes set on the people following her colleague back inside.
Five military officers walked towards the front of the room and stood there, with their hands behind their backs, facing everyone in formation, waiting for the small crowd to quiet down.
Three of them were just kids, not older than 16, whom she'd recognized as part of those who survived the horrors outside but didn't know by name. One of the two girls seemed a bit too self-conscious whereas the other, the one with a red scarf around her neck, clearly couldn't care less. In between both stood a shaven headed boy, looking far more enthusiastic to be there according to the broad smile at this reception, however, it wasn't long before an unpleasant someone apparently scolded him. Lipreading wasn't her strong suit, but she still managed to take a glimpse at one of the older officers she did know, whose mouth barely moved as he stared at the hospital staff; whatever he said got the young lad immediately adopting a much more restrained attitude.
Always the charming one… Griselda scoffed as she observed that prideful man. The resemblance with a crow was uncanny, especially the way he watched everyone, as if he were on the top of a tree, calculating which prey to go for, or simply foreshadowing nothing but bad omens. That's the impression she got at those tiny, evil eyes of his, observing the whole room and then raising an eyebrow in disapproval while crinkling his nose in disgust.
Fortunately, right next to him was their newly appointed superior, the smiling brunette she was glad to see alive, giving the complete opposite impression as she respectfully lowered her head over and over. Soon after, she raised both arms for a couple seconds, asking for silence.
"Thank you" she said to this small crowd that finally settled down, smiling with her whole face "We sincerely appreciate your support and the opportunity of being here".
All officers lowered their heads to second her words, well, all but the one to her left, who instead rolled his eyes in exasperation, yet no-one else seemed to notice. Had she been closer, she could have sworn hearing him snorting as well, which pretty much showed he couldn't care any less about the warm reception.
Dr. Nowak, as Chief director of the hospital, moved to stand at other side of the brunette and beckoned his people to take a seat before anything else.
"Good afternoon and welcome to our guests here" the bold, tall man was wearing his white apron all buttoned, unlike regular days, so this meant it was serious business "Attention everyone. Commander Hange and her crew are here to deliver some very important news, so, without further delay, I'll leave you to them".
As Griselda watched the cheerful Commander giving a step forward and grabbing the doctor's hands to profusely thank him for everything, she couldn't help wondering what sort of information this could be that wasn't just explain to the doctor in a small reunion, along with the seniors, so they shared this with the rest later; that'd been custom since day one.
"Hello…" the woman said but the excitement in her voice made her sound like a little girl, for which she cleared her throat to begin again, nevertheless, before she could pronounce another single word, someone else stepped in before.
"Are there really other people living outside the walls? What about the titans?" a masculine voice she could not recognize asked. And the murmur following this only confirmed that most of her colleagues were the same: they wanted more information.
"The Colossus is with us now? Are you sure of this?" another male to the opposite side of the room said before the lady got a chance to answer or even speak "Is he here?"
After that, way too many questions raised among those present, making it hard for anyone to understand. The way the brunette actually began rubbing her neck disclosed certain distress, because she clearly didn't want to be rude, and for all she knew, the woman may even be forbidden to say much, or feared answering anything without raising even more questions; all thanks to that article, the one she had not found courage to read yet.
Seems you won't even have to, her mind expressed as she tried to remain calm at the shocking statements presumably shared in the newspaper. Caught up in this chaos, she completely missed how the short but certainly menacing Captain Levi had moved forward, squinting his eyes at their audience.
"Oi, listen up, all of you! We did not come here for a press conference" the black-haired man declared in a judgmental tone "If your reading comprehension isn't working, fixing ain't our job. Just know that everything published in that article is what it is, so go read it as many times as you need to get it. In the meantime, be quiet. Questions about the announcement, and only the announcement, will be answered afterwards".
Unlike the other soldiers, he didn't even falter at the sudden silence, the widened eyes, and opened jaws from most of her colleagues at his intervention. And although she'd never liked the man one bit, she still had to admit the way he stepped in, regardless those rude manners, was really something, for the whole place went dead silent. If anyone was offended, it hadn't been enough to dare trying to contradict him.
"Good" his gaze barely relaxed as he looked around the room.
"Hello… hello again" the chatty Commander greeted with an apologetic smile after having placed a hand on the soldier's shoulder, who simply took a step back to where he'd previously been, oblivious to the tension he'd caused "Er… well, thank you Captain. I'm sure there are no more doubts on that subject, thus, I'll continue. My name is Hange Zoe…"
The gesture had been discreet and polite, yet she could tell it was a non-verbal order from his superior, surely to remind him he needed to control his temper. It was obvious they needed something, otherwise they wouldn't have come all this way, let alone sent one of the highest ranked officers in the entire militia.
Good to see there's someone capable of keeping him on a leash… she thought while the woman finished introducing her small group, explaining they were the few ones currently in town.
"The reason of our visit today is to make an announcement, or more like a petition to be honest" the Commander uttered, adopting a much more diplomatic tone but without losing her candid touch "As you well know, our ranks were drastically dwindled in our last mission, and despite the fact that a fair number soldier who have requested to be transferred will do so in a couple weeks, General Zackly and I realized about the importance of providing us and the new generations to come with the best chances to survive, which is why he granted his approval of this new project that consists in having people from the medical staff as part of our institution".
The impact that followed this got many open-mouthed in astonishment, herself included, although this time Griselda, aside from doubt, mostly perceived true interest as well as eagerness in the murmuring resuming around her.
"You may ask why this all of a sudden, but the answer is simple: we need to evolve and improve as a whole, which is why forming paramedics out of the soldiers with certain amount of potential is no longer our best choice. Of course, that doesn't mean we do not appreciate the few who'd performed such duties over the years, not at all. Sadly, training soldiers in the basics of your trade, I'm afraid, is not enough. What we need are doctors and nurses like yourselves to join our ranks" nobody in the room said a thing except look around one another, with the surprise and fear but also curiosity and even excitement written in their faces "Your Director here will collect the data of these candidates, so they can receive ODM gear special training three months from now. Evidently, no one will be forced into it. We realize the decision must be made by your own free will or it won't work, so you'll have these months to reflect on it".
With no need for a mirror, Griselda was positive she looked no good for she could easily tell the moment her blood left her body, as though she'd been left naked to freeze in a snowy day rather than having been merely informed of something. Those horrible words haunted her, echoing inside her head, sending shivers down her spine, 'paralyzing her once she put two and two together.
Elia… she called, unable to say her name out loud, so she obliged herself to turn in her direction as she tried to snuff out the horrible images of the day she received one dark green cloak, or what was left of it, all mudded and bloody.
Unfortunately, before she could succeed, Griselda grew extremely dizzy and everything around her became blurry, forcing her to try support all her weight onto the nearest table not to lose balance but knew she failed miserably when her muscles stopped responding and the heaviness in her body got her falling, in slow motion. Luckily, thanks to a pair of arms that caught her in midair just in time, she never reached the floor.
"Mrs. Green!" she heard before the buzz in her ears grew louder, coming from different voices and directions, all at once.
"Let her breathe!" an anguished voice said, one she easily recognized as her friend's.
Elia… she tried calling out, but nothing happened. It was the last she recalled before unconsciousness took over.
The idea was brilliant and would definitely change many things for better, from now on. Problem was, he hated it, and judging by the scene at the lunchroom about an hour ago, he wasn't alone in the feeling.
True, the healer's knowledge, temperance, meticulousness and commitment would make of her one the greatest assets, so much so that picturing her in the middle of a fight and bloodshed while aiding whoever needed it, was as easy as breathing; after all, that's how he'd actually met the woman in the first place. So, her capabilities weren't the issue here, no. What he could not bear was the thought of losing her to this bloody war, that Shiganshina could happen all over again, and he'd find himself forced to hold her lifeless body, unable to cry, scream or even kill himself because that'd mean failing to all those who'd given their lives for a cause, failing his mission, and it'd also dishonor everything she believed in. To make it worse, worrying for her during a fight was categorically out of the table, let alone trying to protect her.
Whether you could or not, she'd never allow it… his inner self assured, as displeased as he was to know it was right.
The notion of Erwin's fate had been bad, yet she'd been the one who helped him come around the idea of respecting his decision, which he'd thought fair because that was a soldier's life. But her case was different, and even if Elia survived, he feared the fire inside her would fade each day, with every loss, because she'd suffer for those she could not save and surely blame herself for it. He'd done so yet found some peace in the promise of fighting in their stead, give meaning to their sacrifice, but her purpose was to aid soldiers, most of the time mortally wounded, so what could possibly ease her heart once she began losing patient after patient?
So here you are… the voice in his head pointed out, while he waited with his back against a corridor wall not many passed by. It made sense though because this was the wing destined to treatments that required isolation. And be seen here was no problem because the few nurses he'd seen surely assumed he was waiting for his superior, who was still in the room with the healer and her lady friend despite the doctor left the room 15 minutes ago.
What's taking so long?! Damn it! an arms crossed Levi cursed, tapping his fingers impatiently.
This was his one chance to approach her without the risk of surrendering to his wish of being with her, for he'd been about to go see her days ago, hours after learning about this plan, but shame and anger had been greater; merely three weeks had passed since that stupid morning he nearly killed her, which was why he'd agreed to show up here for the announcement and take advantage of the situation.
You're going too far with all this… another part of him opined, the one that despised him, encouraging the possibility that she'd never join when that meant having to deal with his unpleasant proximity.
If only! Levi shook his head, knowing that'd never be the case; it was just not in her to turn her back on anyone because of him.
"Ugh!" making a face at the mess he was, he did his best to concentrate on his one goal at hand: learn about her intentions.
Seven minutes later, the sound of the knob being turned put him on the alert. Moving carefully, he peeped around the corner to see if someone else had gotten in there but to his limited fortune, it was Hange, leaving the place with a very strange variation of emotions in her face, such as concern and contentment.
Not knowing what to make of the brunette's expressions, the soldier realized it was now or never, so taking one deep breath, he finally moved and entered there without knocking. As he quietly closed the door behind him, he took a quick glance around this small room, similar to the one Jean was once treated except this lacked a window and was meant for only one patient, according to the occupied single bed to the right, and a medium sized cabinet located to the left, along with a small table and chair.
"Commander, please, I swear we'll be fine" his mouth went suddenly dry when her voice confirmed, it was her he was looking at, with her back to him as she covered the old hag with an extra blanket "You should go now. Commander Pixis may be understanding but I'm sure his agenda is as tight as yours so…"
Only then she turned, making the warm smile and little color on her cheeks vanish in a matter of seconds.
"What are you doing?" she asked, as always, not beating around the bush but most importantly and for the first time, she was unhappy to see him, which felt like being thrown the coldest water on his head.
"I have no right, but I must know what's your call" Levi answered, keeping his most serious stance, trying to ignore how fatigued she looked now that they were facing each other.
"On that we agree, Captain: you have no right" she continued to finish tucking her friend, perhaps hoping he'd be gone but the soldier's feet were glue to the concrete floor.
"I won't move until you speak" his response clearly annoyed her, or so stated the stiffness in her posture as she straightened up.
The healer refrained from turning to him for half a minute, but when she did, she merely adjusted her glasses and stood with her arms folded and, without a doubt, just as irritated.
"I already had a talk with the Commander so go ask her if you want" her sharp response would have hurt hadn't he not deserved it "It's a military business anyway…"
"It is but you're no soldier, not like your sister so spit it out" he couldn't help the aggressive tone as he moved a step closer but stopped at the warning in her dark-gray eyes.
"Pardon me, but I'm no subordinate of yours and given it's a personal decision, it doesn't concern you".
That had been enough to figure the answer; Hange's stupid smile as she walked away hadn't been the one of the silly kinds she saved for trivial things, no. She'd been happy, hopeful even, leading him to comprehend everything was settled.
For fuck sake, Elia! He cursed, hating himself for his own choice and the way her eyes pierced right through him, showing anger and firmness to hide the sting of pain at his words.
You hurt her. Again… the voice in his head got him nearly close to rue his decision to leave her, so he deliberately crushed it with the following irrefutable argument: You're here to change her mind, nothing else!
"I won't move until I know" he'd been about to say he needed to know but refrained at all costs; showing weakness in his resolve could backfire on him for her presence was wonderfully dangerous "Just answer the damn question and I'll go out of your sight".
"Alright then. I already expressed my intent on joining the division to your boss" as expected, and considering how used to lower his guard around her he was, the man's eyes widened in alarm; she'd be part of them in a couple months, after graduating, and it was a terrifying perspective.
"No, you won't" Levi retorted, visibly shocked, but soon after that his expression changed into the sort of fury capable of scaring the bravest of people, yet she was completely unaffected by it "You can't" he hissed.
"I can, and I will" she said calmly, no hesitation whatsoever "Now, if you would be so kind to leave us…"
"No" he had no right to do this, he knew it, but he also couldn't let it happen.
"I don't have time for this, so please stop making a fuss. There's nothing between you and I, remember?" the fact that she no longer used the term us to defined them bothered Levi immensely, yet it was him the one to blame so biting his tongue was all he could do.
"We may not be together but that doesn't mean I want you dead. Staying away was to prevent that precisely" he replied, apparently collected but his eyes were almost pitch black, fuming, and desperate "Are you really this reckless or you just wanna throw yourself in a grave sooner than most? The article… that should tell you how bad everything that lies ahead is".
"I have not read it yet" that seriously confounded him, to the point of leaving him speechless "Believe it or not, I have no death wish or anything like it" she was grabbing the chair close to where he stood, then placed it by the bed and took a seat there, next to her friend but looked at him still "And just so we're clear on something, you stay away because you're a coward and it's easier to push me away" the woman held his gaze completely unaltered by the way his pupils dilated, surprise at her statement, probably because he realized he could fool everyone but her "Of course, if I'm wrong and leaving me truly helps you keep your peace of mind, I take that back and apologize" she added, politely.
"So you'll do this either way, with or without me. Is that it?" the man pushed, trying to hide the remorse and anxiety eating him away.
"Yes. Joining the scouts has nothing to do with you and I" she answered and looked away from him to check on her mentor, where her thoughts laid now.
"Bullshit. Not once you mentioned anything like it, so I can only assume you're doing it to piss me off" he noticed how she closed her eyes and started rubbing her temples, surely not to lose it.
"Oh, don't flatter yourself, Captain" Elia answered, sarcastically "I do this because it is my wish to help the people I believe in, the people my sister cared for" all trace of derision vanished as the healer let out one long sigh, clearly tired of their conversation "To be honest, the idea of joining started to grow on me since the day you all returned" she shared without breaking eye contact, and he could see those steel gray eyes weren't lying "I was going to discuss it with you but since I was deprived from a chance to do it, I owe you no explanation. Just rest assure you won't have to see or talk to me unless you're injured or ill, so..."
"What I taught you wasn't for this and you know it" he glared at her, defying the woman to try averting her gaze at his accusation.
"Shiganshina changed many things" he could tell by the sadness hidden in those eyes he knew better than any other, that she wasn't solely referring to their military situation "In any case, it's purpose had been for my survival, hasn't it?"
"Signing a death wish says otherwise".
"I told you I crave no such thing. I may be hurt but that's not enough to want myself dead. I'm a grown woman, and I intend on using what I know to support those who can actually make a difference and save everyone here. That's all".
"Doesn't change the fact that you'll end up dead, just like everyone else" the soldier may have succeeded to conceal the fear of losing her in his words but secretly begged her not walk that path.
"If that's the case, so be it. But in the meantime, I'll be happy to help where I'm needed".
What about what I need? his heart ached, because she no longer seemed to want anything to do with him. Why won't you listen!? He just couldn't stand this, knowing she still ignored so much, like the danger she'd be in if anyone discovered whom she was, now more than ever.
"Talking to a fuckin' rock is easier than this" Levi growled, looking away from her. The little patience he'd built lately was quickly going away; he wanted to break something so badly and at the same time, grab the woman's hand to pull her towards him and kiss her fiercely.
"Really? Calling me stubborn is pretty bold when it comes from the authority on the subject" she counterattacked, standing her ground, barely raising an eyebrow at his visible anger; looking daggers at her was futile.
To hell with everything! The part in him dying to have her closer shouted, pushing him to claim this bullheaded woman's tender lips. He'd been so wrong to assume the environment or people around would help keeping his need of her at bay! However, the instant he moved a step in her direction, he saw her getting up from the chair and walked straight to the door, opening it for him.
"Look. You're free to make your own decision, and so am I. Now, you promised you'd go if I answered your question. I have, so I'd appreciate you leave us now, sir" one brutal punch in the guts would have been better that hearing that shitty word again; he hated it so much.
"Elia…" he muttered but she swiftly cut him off.
"Gris is going to wake up any moment and I'm not in the mood to explain anything or lie about your presence here. And since she'll hardly believe is out of concern for her well being…"
The soldier clenched his teeth and fists, dedicating one nasty look at the woman he could not forget, mad at himself for sinking in such misery and for the first time, scared of the future, her future.
"Just so you know, I'm the one who decides who meets the final criteria…" kill her hopes had been his last resource, but the wry half smile on her face silenced him before he could finish.
"Like we all, you have many flaws but being a jerk who abuses his power is not one of them" she professed. The smirk faded when she fixed her eyes on the old lady laying in the bed, letting him know that the conversation was over.
He stared at her for a couple seconds, still not moving an inch.
"You know she passed out because of you, don't you?" that was dirty, he knew it well but said it anyway, right before walking out of there. He hoped, quite foolishly, that the old lady could succeed on what he did not, for Elia cared deeply about her.
She won't change her mind. Nothing you or anyone says will work… the voice in his head came back, trying to help him accept it but he couldn't get rid of this huge sense of hopelessness.
Within each step towards the director's office, where Hange and the brats were, believing he'd been to the bathroom, he only grew more furious at the healer, hating her for not getting shit about war.
But she understands, my friend… Erwin's voice asserted the instant his hand got a hold on the handrail of the stairs, freezing him. Should I remind you of her own story in all this, what she lost and not once blamed us for?
Closing his eyes, Levi took one long, deep breath, letting it out slowly to calm himself down and repeated the exercise before resuming his way.
I know… he responded with his eyes set on the closest window, to the huge wall outside, realizing that, deep down, this scorching rage against her was no other but love under the influence of an agonizing fear, one he wished he could just switch off somehow, like he'd done with pain most of his life. But this was different. His feelings for her were different, of the purest kind he never thought himself capable of. Elia changed his life, made it truly worth living and yet this time the selflessness and bravery he'd always admired in her could potentially turn out to be her doom.
As soon as her eyes opened, the woman tried blinking several times to get her eyesight back but soon figured it was her surrounding that was gloomy, which stopped her from answering the first question on mind: where was she?
Unable to draw any conclusions and still disoriented, she focused instead on the simplest of facts: number one, she was lying on a bed; number two, she had no clue how she got there; and number three, her body sore from head to toe, so much so that it felt like having been drained after working entire weeks without rest.
Patience... her inner voice advised, urging her to try a breathing technique to relax.
Eight minutes later in the same position and with her eyes still glued to the ceiling, Griselda finally regained some energy and control over her muscles.
Barely moving her head, she observed the place, realizing she'd been brought to the isolation area or there should have been at least a window there.
What happened? Trying her best to put the disconnected scenes assaulting her memory together, she soon had to stop and squeeze her eyes shut when the effort made her dizzy, not to mention the persisting ringing inside her ears was incredibly annoying, so take things slow was all she could do in the meantime.
By the time she felt slightly better and managed to turn her face to the left, the lady got considerably staggered to find someone sitting at a minimum distance from the single bed she was onto. It was a young woman leaning slightly forward on the chair, head down and prey to a deep sleep that was far from seeming pleasant in view of the frown on her face.
Elia… she called out in her mind, feeling a sudden pressure on a hand, and only then noted her protégé's hands firmly holding it, as if she feared she could disappear or be taken away, and it was precisely that what brought back a recent sense of anguish and sadness that had been too much to handle, along with the events causing them, leaving her in the lowest of spirits.
I fear it's you I'll no longer see, child... she lamented, not knowing what to think about the announcement or her intentions, because she didn't even know how had she felt while listening to the new Commander of the Survey Corps; the girl was incredibly cagey about that specific part of her life, not once mentioning a thing about her relationship with the late Erwin Smith, yet she hoped the loss of him could somehow keep her away from the carnage.
Careful not to frighten her, the older nurse cautiously removed her hand to try sitting down but failed miserably considering still not having full control of her body, so the abruptness of the movement made the sleepy woman jump.
"Gris!" the healer exclaimed, then shook her head twice and rubbed her eyes to brighten up "I'm sorry for dozing. How are you feeling?" she asked, calm but worry was written all over her face.
"It's fine, dear" she assured in a raspy voice but half-smiled when Elia helped her accommodate the pillows so she could lean back on the bed headboard "If my guess is right, it'd be hard not to in this place. It's so quiet that I've caught several colleagues sneaking in to take a nap when it's not being used" Griselda added, knowing she was surely reprimanding herself for it.
"What a lousy caretaker you got yourself today!" the girl scoffed at herself, giving away a smile of relieve to see her better. She then nodded once and quickly stood up "Water?" asked Elia, heading towards the cabinet, where she grabbed one of those titan ores and then placed the thing on top of the same piece of furniture to mildly illuminate the room.
"Yes, please! Morning dry mouth is one thing, but this is like having swallowed flour instead. Ugh!" joking to lighten the mood was all she could do for now, before daring to ask the hard stuff "What time is it?"
"A bit late" her protégé answered while pouring water in a glass, clearly trying to evade the truth so she raised a brow at her, suspiciously "Okay. Around 10 PM" Elia confessed, leaving the object on the table before rushing over to stop her from getting up, as she was trying to do "Gris, please be careful. Fainting from one moment to the next isn't something to take lightly".
"I've been out all day!?" staring with wide eyes, she took a hand over her mouth.
"Not exactly. You became conscious half an hour later but fell asleep after a couple minutes… calling for your son" the healer delayed that last piece of information, evidently not wanting to distress her even more.
"Did I?" she asked, surprised though no longer upset. She then took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly, believing best would be to open about it "Today was his birthday".
"I imagined but didn't want to push you" she admitted, a bit reticent "You seemed so nervous and desperate that the doctor gave you a sedative. I'm sorry, Gris" Elia shared this a bit ashamed, but the older woman dedicated her one brief nod to let her know she shouldn't.
"Again, it's fine. I don't actually recall any of it" the lady confessed, sighing wearily "What happened next?" she enquired, deciding to avoid the subject given how close that was to the girl's possible fate.
"We brought you here" her friend went back for the glass of water and handed it to her, with the silent request of taking things easy, which she did by drinking its content gradually, feeling so much better when the refreshing liquid quenched her thirst "Doctor said you collapsed out of stress" Elia shared and then sighed, unable to restrain her own preoccupation "You've been having trouble sleeping, haven't you?"
"Cannot deny it" Griselda admitted, slumping her shoulder a little. But the way her friend placed a hand on one of them to tell her it was okay, managed to lift her spirits.
"You have to be more careful, Gris. I actually feel somewhat guilty 'cause I could tell there was something going on but did nothing" the healer uttered as she got the empty glass, leaving it onto the table before taking a seat once again.
"It ain't something you or anybody could have prevented" she assured, leaning her back on the pillows to stare at the ceiling, lost in thought "We respect our own spaces, you see? That's why you didn't mention it until today, that I looked troubled. And I've done the same about your recent addiction to work" Elia's eyes widened in surprise while her cheeks turned red "It's okay, dear. Like I said, respect each other's space and ways to cope with whatever, but I'll meddle in as soon as I see there's something wrong".
"I haven't forgotten my promise" her friend slightly bowed her head at her, sad. She apparently still could not speak freely about certain things.
"I know, and I appreciate it" delicately, the lady moved her hand to hold her protégé's chin and lifted it. She smiled at her and then let go "So, in the meantime, we'll solve things our own way and get back to work" she said, attempting to get up from that bed.
"Mmm, we will but just not yet" Elia blocked her way, shaking her head no with a tight lip smile that expressed how sorry she was "The doctor was very clear about you spending the night here. He ordered you to be sent home tomorrow morning after getting a proper rest, which he ensured through regular checking ups on you".
"Does that mean you had to abandon your duties because of me?" asked Griselda, seriously unhappy to cause such a stir "Did he authorize you?"
"It's not like that" Elia clarified, wishing that were the case, that she could have been the one taking care of her all day. Griselda ignored Jayne's odd behavior that afternoon had been all about gossip and learning firsthand why she loathed the Survey Corps, and her friends were no different "Some colleagues and I took turns" sadly, that had been the doctors' instruction, so no-one missed their shifts.
"You should have been home by now" the woman commented in a disapproving tone; Elia's regular shift ended at 5PM, so she'd probably been on her own for way too many hours.
"Let's be honest; you would have done the same for me, wouldn't you?" the confident smile on her protégé's face established how both knew the answer to that "So how are you feeling now?"
"Better than earlier yet it still worries me to see you looking as tired as I feel" she replied, unable to keep subsiding the despair growing within each minute; addressing the subject wasn't going to be easy but it was necessary.
"It's been a rough day for us all, I guess" the girl answered, momentarily closing her eyes; it was likely she sensed what was coming, or so said the sigh she let out "You really scared me back there, Gris. Me and everyone actually".
"How did the rest of meeting go?" the lady asked, deciding to approach this in the subtlest way but judging by the evident reticence in Elia's eyes and biting of her lower lip as she looked down, the answer she sought was right there: she'd join them.
"Not sure because I left the place with you and Dr. Nowak" the healer responded and faced her, relatively nervous "All I heard was that, soon after that, they answered a few questions and waited for Commander Hange at the doctor's office because she wanted to check on you before leaving".
"How thoughtful of her…" Griselda retorted with irony but then regretted the spiteful comment at the sad expression staring back at her "I'm sorry. I have nothing against Mrs. Zoe, but I can't help wondering how long 'til I lose you too?"
The terrible truth had quite an impact on Elia, who froze, staring at her with her mouth slightly open and eyes opened wide, filled with fear and skepticism but then these showed also discomfort and guilt. Such direct attack had undoubtedly taken her aback, yet the girl concentrated in her breathing to quickly collect herself not to waver.
"Can we discuss this some other time?" she pleaded, appealing to her current state, surely fearing another crisis "There's time".
"Is there?" she pressed, gripping the blankets she'd been covered with, overwhelmed, resented, and disappointed at her friend.
"I won't lie to you but is not wise to talk about it tonight" she looked as collected as ever but her eyes showed such misery, she almost gave in.
"Delaying it will only increase my anxiety. I'd rather knowing now so I can get used to the idea beforehand".
"You won't lose me, Gris" Elia assured, trying to gain more time but gave up when she realized she wasn't going to drop it "Alright… I'll enlist as soon as I graduate".
An awkward silenced followed that declaration but given how the young healer held her gaze, resolved, proud even, she comprehended the guilt she'd seen before was only because she regretted hurting her, but not her choice.
"Of all the things that could have happened, I never imagined they'd come up with something like this" the older woman shook her head tiredly, turning to look at her own hands, feeling lost "Was it that stupid article?"
"No. There are other reasons" Griselda's penetrating eyes darted back in her direction but the sincerity in the apologetic tight-lipped smile confirmed it was no lie "I can see you want to know why. All I can say is that even if they hadn't come here today, I'd have tried applying to join either way".
"What?!" Griselda exclaimed, alarmed, and frightened.
"It'd been on my mind for some time, since that evening, when we watched them return" Elia revealed, trying to hide the sting of pain that crossed her eyes at her reaction "I never thought it'd sound this bad when you've always known how I feel about them".
Griselda couldn't deny this, but she also refused to pretend she'd be happy about the path her dearest friend wanted to follow. She ran her hands through hair while her face contorted in distress, unable to stop her eyes from burning.
"Had I known you planned to do this… perhaps getting too attached to each other wasn't the best idea" her voice was scarcely audible but the hurt in Elia's eyes was enough to see she'd uttered something she hadn't really meant, not like that, yet she lacked whatever energy to take it back. What if it helps her change her mind? She wondered, or hoped actually "Do I have any chance to somehow dissuade you?"
Realistically, she knew the answer to that question long before seeing Elia shaking her head no with a different kind of affliction, one she tried to hide when she lowered her face.
"Nor you or anybody can change my mind about this, Gris" the girl declared and stood up, moving away to get to the opposite side of the room, where she leaned her back against the wall and stared into space for a while. By the time she met her eyes again, the brokenhearted expression despite the sad but honest smile felt like a knife straight to her own heart "And though I'm very sorry to hear you feel that way, I understand. I can't be mad at you for that, just like I know is not anger that drives you to go against my decision" her voice was close to break but she was probably giving her all not to, so she just listened, because there was not an iota of fear in her eyes, only determination "Our different experiences and choices won't ever change the affection we share, but the least I want is to hurt you, to cause you more pain, so maybe it's time to go separate ways".
I know the possible repercussions, but if you don't understand what I want to do, at least respect it. Otherwise, I doubt coming back here... Suddenly those words echoed in her head, a memory of something she'd unconsciously blocked for so long, and it was now falling upon her like a bucket of the coldest water. Rolf, her son, had said this the last time he'd set foot in their house.
No! All of her instincts got on the alert at the memories threatening to return, memories that had nearly killed her, like they did to her husband when they learnt of their son's passing. It's their fault! She cried to herself, recalling the rage she'd felt that day, one she'd redirected at those who caused his death, who took him away; the same institution that would now take Elia.
"That'd be hard when this place is not so big" she murmured as she got rid of the pillows and simply laid flat on the bed, closing her eyes.
"Not really. You haven't supervised me for quite a while, so we've mostly spent our breaks together, which means you won't have to see me until the final evaluation, within two months, that unless Mrs. Meyer does" it was clear she talked about merely interacting what was strictly necessary, which was feasible.
Griselda didn't know what to say. She despised the idea, but taking distance was maybe the best they could do to placate the sorrow of soon losing another loved one. So, after a couple minutes, all she did with the little strength she had left was nod while trying to silence the ache in her chest, warning her about making a serious mistake.
"I must warn you that the doctor instructed all personnel to stop you from working for the rest of the week, so try to get some rest" Elia said "I know I have no right to ask you anything but please, take care" she heard her footsteps getting farther away, and though great part of her wanted to stop the young healer, she still didn't move an iota from that position, not even when she heard the hinges of that door being opened "Thank you for everything, Gris".
Panicking, she put everything she had in her to sit herself up on the bed and attempt stopping the girl, but it was too late: the door had already closed behind her, and she doubted she'd return, even if she asked. Elia had made her choice, so what good would do if nothing changed? No. No matter how it hurt, best was to let her go.
My apologies for taking this long. There are many reasons for it (life, as usual). Also, for probably making you sad (again), but relationships aren't always a piece of cake, right? So, we'll see how all this turns out for them, hopefully soon.
Still, I hope you have enjoyed the chapter, especially if you've just watched the final episode, like I did. I'm sure many of you feel like having said farewell to a very dear friend too. u.u
Namárië