Creation began on 10-09-23
Creation ended on 11-04-23
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Evangelion: Regrets
SEELE was not impressed with the revelation that NERV had lost two of their Evas and all of their pilots against the Angels. Worse, they had lost Lilith, which destroyed any hope they had of achieving the Human Instrumentality Project. And all of this within a few days, not even a week, effectively crippling the entire paramilitary agency. Although there was some benefit to the losses, as NERV had regained the original pilots of Unit-01 and Unit-02, these were minute and insignificant; their return to life had eliminated the functionality of the Evas as far as they were able to comprehend.
"…And how did this all happen?" SEELE 01 demanded from Fuyutsuki, who was the one to confide in the council of the events that led to NERV's losses of the Evas, Lilith and the two captured Angels.
"The mystery surrounding the disappearance of Ikari's son," he explained.
"So, Ikari was investigating the case that even the police were unable to understand?" SEELE 09 asks the sub-commander.
"No, he wasn't investigating the case. I was investigating the case."
"And what did you discover?"
"More than I care to admit."
"Elaborate."
Fuyutsuki, knowing that this was probably the worst choice to make, told the council what had transpired within the Geo-Front. The puzzle box that was suspected to be connected to the disappearance of Shinji Ikari, the history of the Cenobites, the video entries of people that had encountered the Cenobites years ago, the last Angel they faced when it arrived, everything. He left out nothing for them to suspect, down to the audience with Leviathan.
"…You expect us to believe that…our scenario has become for naught…because of a puzzle box?" SEELE 12 demanded.
"I don't expect any of you to believe me," he told them, "but I touched the box and ended up learning more than I thought I would about what happened to the boy."
"And this…puzzle box," SEELE 05 went, "it summoned these people, these…Cenobites…but they didn't kill the boy? Instead, they just asked him what he wanted?"
"Yes. For some reason, the box was already in its final configuration when he came upon it. He was granted an audience with Leviathan. An audience with God…and was offered one of six choices based on the configurations the box takes after being solved. The choices were: Life, knowledge, love, sensation, resurrection and power. Whosoever possessed the final configuration can choose their ultimate desire to be granted by Leviathan."
"And what did he choose in the end?" SEELE 01 questioned.
"He chose Laudarant. The third configuration representing love. They took him from this universe and placed in another where he received what he asked for. His desire was pure and from a place of longing, so it was represented by his desire for his parents, friends, even a child of his own that love him unconditionally. He was happy."
"How did you solve the box?"
Fuyutsuki sighs and opens his mouth.
"To solve the box, you move the pieces around to get them to lock in place," he reveals, "but…unfortunately, that's not enough to make it change into the next configuration. The Cenobites and their god have a cruel sense of gratuity when one seeks to have a wish granted. To get it to change, you have cut someone with the blade the box produces, marking them as a sacrificial offering for the Cenobites, who come to collect the contribution."
"And what happens to whoever is offered to them?"
"They don't kill them right away. They may never kill them, even when they might want to die rather than suffer more. To the Cenobites, they have an eternity to know everything about their victims and how to make them suffer. To those offered to them, intentionally or unintentionally, death may be the ultimate mercy for them."
"But in the end, the one holding this box is granted their ultimate desire, whatever it may be?"
"Yes…and no."
"Elaborate," went SEELE 10, no doubt confused. "How can one be granted their desire…and not be granted their desire?"
"The Cenobites and their god will give you what you want, but if you're not specific about it, then what you receive may be worse than you can imagine. And…only a rare few are exceptions to this order that they follow. Those rare exceptions may receive their desire without repercussions, but those who are not risk some form of suffering. They promise whatever gives you pleasure…but deal in pain because they no longer differentiate between the two."
"Sadomasochists?" SEELE 04 asks.
"Based on what Dr. Akagi informed me, that seems to be the likelihood."
"How does Dr. Akagi know about them?"
"Because she touched the blade after I solved the first configuration. The Cenobites came for her because they couldn't get me. That was when I realized that, if I could finish what I had accidentally started, then I could receive an audience with Leviathan and get her back."
There was a silence that Fuyutsuki was bothered by.
"How did you reach the last configuration?" SEELE 01 asks him.
"I offered up the Angels captive in the base. Then Lilith and the last Angel that appeared. Once five sacrifices were made, the base was momentarily taken to the realm the Cenobites ruled for my audience with Leviathan. Do I regret offering the Angels? No, I do not. Would I do it again? Yes, I would. Is there anything else you wish to know?"
"How did the Evas and the pilots become compromised?" SEELE 07 asked.
"The last Angel was actually a creature associated with the Cenobites called Behemoth. After it was offered up, the audience was altered to allow for six wishes to be granted instead of only one. Ikari found out about what the box could do and deduced that he could get whatever he wanted from Leviathan…and made the first wish after he took the box from me. He chose Lazarus. He chose…to bring back his wife, which left Unit-01 inoperable. But because he wasn't specific, she came back with her body in a state of suffering, requiring surgery to remove the pieces of machinery from her. I took back the box and I made my wish for Dr. Akagi to be brought back. The Second Child was then offered the box and she used her wish to bring back her mother, rendering Unit-02 inoperable. Ikari's wife was given the box, and she chose Lore because she wanted to know what became of their son. Then the First Child took the box and chose Leviathan, after which she left the base. Nobody has seen or heard from her. After which, Mrs. Soryu was given the box to choose her desire, and once hers was granted, the audience concluded. The Cenobites left and everyone left the base."
"What became of the box?" SEELE 11 asks.
Fuyutsuki sighs and responds, "I took it down to Terminal Dogma and threw it into the LCL abyss; because the box was dangerous, I couldn't risk anyone else getting hurt by it. Or worse, someone exploiting it. It may give you what you desire, but you may end up getting more than what you desire. Worse than what you desire."
Again, the council was silent, likely contemplating an alternative means to get what they were after. But Fuyutsuki hoped they bought his lie; so long as he kept the actual location of the box hidden, nobody would ever be hurt by it or the Cenobites.
"Where are the Ikaris right now?" SEELE 02 asks.
"They have separated for the time being; what they learned of their son's fate has driven a wedge between them. Yui is rebuilding her life now that she's returned."
"And the Soryus?"
"En route back to Germany; Mrs. Soryu has to rebuild her life with her daughter."
"So NERV really has lost all of its pilots. And without Lilith, our goals have been for nought," SEELE 06 expresses.
"I would say that this falls on you, Kozo Fuyutsuki," went SEELE 01, "but unfortunately, this can be pinned on Ikari. His intentions knowingly compromised our scenario. Although you gave Lilith to the Cenobites, this may only be a minor setback; if Unit-01 is still salvageable, we may be able to realize our goal. And if we can't…then we'll pursue a new alternative that may yield a similar approach."
Fuyutsuki suspected that they were developing an interest in the puzzle box, and he couldn't let them have it. He couldn't expand upon the dark and violent history the box had with the Cenobites and Leviathan. Even if it was possible to use it to achieve a similar goal that the Human Instrumentality Project was believed to promise in the end, there was always the chance that it could be worse than one could comprehend. But because the Cenobites seemed to adhere to rules and principles, it was unlikely that SEELE, even if they had the box and sacrificed ten people to get the same thing, it would be the same for each of them, and they would each only be allowed one gift. He prayed the box stayed hidden where he put it and never found its way into innocent or greedy hands.
-x-
The mountainous scenery was beautiful and unlike anything Rei had ever seen before in her life. Or rather, what passed for a life that really wasn't. It was grandiose and gave a mystifying sense of elation as she sat on the edge of a cliff and gazed out at the world in front of her, contemplating her next move. She had all the time in the world to decide where to go; no longer bound by any sense of purpose or a slave to someone else's agenda, she was free to do as she pleased, to make her own decisions and not have them dictated by others that wanted to either own or control her.
"Rei!" She heard Gendo's voice call out to her in a past different from her own, but she ignored him; that was not who she was, anymore. "Rei!"
During her sojourn across this vast ocean of different existences, she learned more than she had expected to learn. About people, about Gendo and his wife, even about their son, whom in certain lifetimes was better off without them because of their differences. And because of this, she reached a multitude of different conclusions regarding the whole of the human race: By their very nature and behavior, they were creative and destructive, selfish and selfless, intrusive of each other's personal space and respectful of each other's personal boundaries, helpful and hurtful. As individuals, they were each one of them capable of achieving greatness, but as a whole, they were incapable of achieving much of anything significant…and may never go any further in life than that.
"In the end, their son got what he wanted because he didn't want to feel the pain he had felt in his heart ever since they abandoned him," she says to herself. "While they would claim that they didn't abandon him, they know that deep down, they did, which left irreparable pain for him to experience. Gendo Ikari, a bitter man most saw very little to absolutely no potential to be a father to anyone. Yui Ikari, a woman of science that embraced motherhood…for a fleeting moment as a means to get closer to her truest goal. Shinji Ikari, the victim of exploitation, the martyr of all human existence, the scapegoat of the consequences. If neither of the former were truly dedicated to caring for the latter, then they shouldn't have had him to begin with. All they did was create another victim to hurt. All they did…was force an innocent soul into a life of misery with the bare minimum of how to be happy. There is no happiness if the person doesn't know how to live. Being alive does not guarantee one happiness. Life requires one to have more than just a will to live it. It requires companions, friendship, love, hope, people willing to stand beside you during your darkest hours and to hold your hand during your most difficult of days. They didn't even tell their son that they loved him. And now they can never even tell him how sorry they are, if they truly even are sorry, that they will never see him again because he has a new family. A better family that showers him with love and acceptance…and he wouldn't trade it away for anything. Not for knowledge, for power, anything. In the end, love was his ultimate desire, his one true want and need. To have someone tell you that they love you, to hear those words for real, to not have them be false or manipulative… It is like one who is able to fly unaided by wings."
She then stood up…and floated off the cliff and into the air, towards her next destination.
-x-
After her fourth surgery and being given a clean bill of health, Yui Ikari was, for all intents and purposes, fully recovered from her harrowing experience of being resurrected from the Evangelion she had experimented with more than a decade ago…but even that didn't ease her tension. For the last four months, her life has been a challenge to put back together. It wasn't easy or impossible, but the difficulties laid in her relationships with her relatives, who were less than happy to learn she was alive. The elaborate story that she was being pursued by some very dangerous people had left them displeased with the fact that her husband knew about this and dumped their son on them, who then disappeared without a trace, something they were still held responsible for because he was in their custody when he disappeared. While she couldn't change that aspect of their stigma, even with the truth, she hoped that they could one day get past this and move on.
Sitting at her kitchen table in her apartment in Tokyo-3, she looked at her Lore Configuration gift that laid there in front of her. The knowledge of her son's happier life in another dimension where she and Gendo were more involved and not trying to shape his future or the future of the world had become a tolerable agony for her each time she used her gift to see how he was doing. It wasn't even Human Instrumentality, but the fact that he was happy with the people there was like he was given a slice of Heaven. That life was his interpretation of Heaven; there was no Evangelion, no Angels, no NERV, no SEELE, no hidden agendas, no nothing. It was just stability, acceptance and love.
"Why is life represented by the Lament Configuration?" She remembers asking Kyoko.
"Because living with the regret of what has happened is a form of torment all of its own," Kyoko explained. "It's full of regrets, full of many things you could've done differently instead of what you chose to do. Instead of taking the path of pins, you took the path of needles. Instead of being a doctor, you chose to be a writer. You could've done other things instead of what you chose to do. It's mundane suffering, something the Cenobites don't bother with because it's beneath them. People could've chosen knowledge or power, to have a new experience or being loved by someone they lusted after, but at a price that came with pain. I could've chosen anything I wanted that day out of the six choices I was presented with, but all I wanted was to live with the time I have with Asuka. Whatever pain I may receive will be bitter and brief. Brief because it can't last forever. Other choices seem to augment the person in one way or another, but the choice to live leaves you unchanged."
Augmentation. Such a belief was practiced by a number of people all over the world, whether it was to make themselves stronger or faster or just smarter. But it went beyond those goals. It went beyond the body and into one's life or relationships. However, to simply live was to go through life unaltered.
"But…we can fix this, Yui," Gendo had told her, referring to their family.
"No, Gendo," she responded, "we can't fix this. We caused this, so it's impossible to fix."
And she had to believe that. There was no getting back Shinji…or even Rei if she chose to leave. The other children that had been drafted into service by NERV were either dead or crippled, both physically and emotionally, and they couldn't deal with the losses they were dealt. The only exception was the Second Child, who resigned after her mother was resurrected; with no pride or desire to continue piloting the Eva, Asuka just wanted to rebuild her life with Kyoko.
Love, power, resurrection, Yui thought as she drank her tea out of her cup, thankful that her senses were unaffected by her resurrection. All three were unable to have their blood and suffering taken by the Cenobites and Leviathan had to give them what they asked for without pain. Rei wanted to be free from us exploiting her. Asuka wanted her mother back. And Shinji… In the end, only someone that felt unloved by anyone would want to experience it and know that they matter to others.
The last time she used her gift to learn about Shinji, she saw him and this lady friend of his with their respective children in a park…and they both seemed to be wearing promise rings on their left hand, indicating that they were serious about their shared future. While on a personal level, she wouldn't have considered Shinji being anywhere near a girl like this one, but then had to be reminded that in the world he was now living in, she herself had no say…unlike the version of herself that did exist there. And on another level, she had to admit that the girl was a very good friend to Shinji, who didn't have even one back in his past before he encountered the Cenobites. That was, more or less, her and Gendo's fault.
-x-
Even if SEELE sought to rehire her for the Evangelion project, Kyoko refused to go back to that work that left her in tatters, physically and spiritually. She'd rather be an M.D. or a teacher or even a model, anything that kept her away from that monstrosity. And it would make no sense to try; everyone else that dealt with the Evas knew how to make them and refine them better than she could've. All she wanted to do was walk away from her past and live her future.
"How are you alive?" Her former husband had asked her when he learned that she was back.
"You wouldn't believe me," she had responded to him. "Even if I did tell you, you wouldn't believe me, and it's probably better if you didn't know, anyway."
With a settlement and her custody of their daughter returned to her, Kyoko sat on a bench in a park looking at a newspaper in search of a new job. Looking up at Asuka, who was throwing a ball for a large dog to fetch and bring back to throw again, she smiled at her. Her life had been partially wasted because of the Evangelions, and now she had a chance to dedicate it to something else and try to enjoy it without a sense of woe.
Suddenly, she noticed a little boy watching her from behind a tree. He looked Japanese, reminding her a little of Gendo and Yui Ikari, and she deduced that the boy was an echo of sorts of their son, Shinji. He smiled at her and shook his head in praise of her; if he was aware of her intentions, then he was silently applauding her for her decisions. And then, he vanished from her perception, like a ghost in the wind.
"Arrf!" She heard the dog Asuka was playing with bark as it came over to her with the ball in its mouth. "Arrf!"
-x-
Yui had heard of stranger things that went on in the days and nights of the world, but this was a new level of weird for her. In her apartment, sitting at her kitchen table, she found a young man that bore the uncanny appearance of her son at age fourteen, but paler and…colder in his vacant expression. He was also dressed in funeral-like attire with his hair slightly unkept due to being self-cut in places. But what frightened her most about him was his right hand, which was nothing but bone.
"Sit down," he told her, and his voice, while direct, felt grim. "If I wanted to kill you…you'd be dead already. There's no need for things to become unpleasant. I'm simply here to talk."
Yui obliged and sat down in front of him. What choice did she have?
"Who," she spoke, "who are you?"
"In a previous life, I was once your son, Shinji Ikari," he reveals to her. "In this incarnation I have become accustomed to, I am Death. Death, the Endgame, Pale Rider of the Restorative. Most friends and confidants simply call me Death. We should skip the formalities, though. This is simply a minor conversation regarding what has happened here and what will happen later."
"Are you here…to kill me?"
"No. Even though Hell has a bounty for your soul, I'm not going to collect on it. For now, your life is your own, however you choose to waste it. But you have a shot of entering Heaven, as well…so long as you don't pick up where you left off with the Eva."
"I don't have any intentions on working with the Eva again. I have lost the one thing that mattered to me."
"Then it looks like Hell won't have ownership of your soul. Tell me, though. Are you…happy for Shinji? He had an audience with Leviathan through the Hell Priest, desired the one thing he wasn't getting from anyone in this world, and he was discovered to be a rare member of the minority whose souls and suffering were not up for grabs by the Cenobites, meaning that whatever he asked for from them had to be honored without strings attached. Are you happy for him getting what he wanted the most in his life?"
"Of course, I'm happy for him. I just…"
"You just, what?"
"I… It wasn't supposed to be this way."
"What wasn't supposed to be this way?"
"I wanted to show Shinji the bright future ahead for all of humanity. I needed him to see that with the Eva and him, there was hope for the people here."
"Has anyone ever told you that that belief of yours is utter bullshit?"
"What?"
"It is, really. It's bullshit; there's no such thing, no matter what you say or try. It's part of the reason people like you fail at what you choose to do, whether it's the life of a scientist…or the role of a parent. You want only one thing, but you need another thing to obtain it, and neither works out when you try to combine them. In nearly every case, because there is a vast ocean of endless existences where this has happened many times…and will happen many more times, you do this to him. You do this to Shinji…and he suffers because of it. Oh, there have been a few exceptions, rare exceptions, where he doesn't pay for your decisions, your mistakes, where he's not manipulated by either of his parents, but those exceptions often require something else to befall Shinji. I'm one of those exceptions. In the past, he was condemned to walk the path of bloodshed and vengeance because his maternal aunt said harsh words that no child should ever have to hear from anyone…and he took the words personal. So personal that they drove him to murder her, her family and other people that wronged him in one way or another. But his hatred was particularly heavy towards you and your husband, the two people above all else that should've been involved in his life, who should've showered him with hope and love, instead gave him despair and hatred…and condemned him to a life without any promise of a future that was his and his alone. And even in death…I have to carry that despair and hatred because his soul, broken and lost in a storm of bitterness over the life he could've had but was denied, not by any deities or demons, but by the people that saw him only as a resource or a false messiah, dwells within me. While I may have his soul, I am not him. I may have his memories, but his life ended at the age of fourteen…while his heart died the very instant…he was made to realize that the majority of everyone bearing the name Ikari, or anyone that had anything to do with anyone bearing the name Ikari…were the monsters lying in wait to terrorize him until they decided to rip to shreds what was left of him. But I can live with that. I have no choice but to live with that. Despite what some believe, even those who are dead can adapt and become better than they ever were in life. For some, death isn't just a mercy, it's an opportunity to escape the confines of your previous fate and be free from the cards you were dealt by others."
"Have there been others like him that paid the price he did?"
"Not quite. I may be the only one whose heart has stopped beating. Every other incarnation, every other version of Shinji…still lives and breathes. Actually, I may be the only one among the dead and damned that continues to wander around while there are others, just a few, who are dead…and serve to help others who are alive because there is something they can no longer do, requiring the assistance of others that can redeem them. One such version of your son, like the world you saw him with a version of that precious little girl that matters to him, lived in a world where people were endowed with superhuman abilities like in superhero comics and films. He had you two for parents, had that girl that was his best friend, never once heard anything about the Eva or a catastrophe called Second Impact. But he was victimized by people that were just as worse as his parents are in other lifetimes. I've yet to encounter a universe where he has a child that wasn't the product of an adult's unethical behavior towards him."
"That's terrible."
"Personally, I blame people like you for what befalls people like your son. In many respects, everything that goes wrong with the world is the result of your actions and desires."
"What?"
"You heard me."
Even if Yui was offended by his choice of words, she was in no position to express any contempt towards him or anyone else.
"It was only recently that I learned of something so twisted that it makes my involvement in trying to resolve a situation all the more challenging," he continued. "Are you familiar with restricting boundaries?"
"Of course. There has to be limits to things in order for there to be order."
"Except there are some things that one simply can't put limits on. Any attempt to do so results in a loss of stability on a grander plane. But a version of you did so, and it caused more problems than the ones she already created as a result of her actions that maimed her son and turned him into a degrading predator of vengeance."
"So, I did something bad? What did I do that was causing more problems?"
"You deliberately contorted the whole multiverse by creating a barrier of finality."
"What?"
"You basically setup a wall, a filter, if you will, around the whole of infinity. You separated all the multitude of alternate realities from all the alternate realities where the Eva, your abomination, is a constant in the universe…and you have trapped us within this finite situation with no intention of letting us go. Let's just say that…when your son found out about this…it pushed him further off the edge of his tolerance, making him more unhinged than he already was as a result of being left in a world that was worse than Hell itself for him. You condemned him to your twisted wants and needs of him, and you won't let him be free. You won't let any of us be free, which makes you the bane of each existence where the Eva is the one thing that matters above all else to you. When you do something like that to someone that wants nothing to do with it, there will be repercussions you cannot avoid, even if you try to run. But some versions of your son, they managed to escape from the Eva's dark hold. But others, they're still stuck in between imprisonment and freedom…and the longer they stay trapped because of the Eva, the more desperate and self-destructive they become. So here's the riddle: What does someone like Shinji Ikari, who has lost everything and everyone that he tried to hold dear to himself, a victim of the unforgiving manipulations of his mother and father, used as a scapegoat and condemned to a harsh status as the one to decide the world's fate, time and again, with no hope of ever being happy because he doesn't know how to be happy for any reason, whatsoever, desire more than anything else in any reality where the shadow that looms over him is the very monster that was created by people to shatter the threads of existence?"
Yui lowers her head; she couldn't answer that riddle because even she wasn't sure how to.
"But don't fret about it," Death tells her. "You're not the woman he's after. You're just another version of her that's already suffering for her negligence in her son's life. In a way, you've already lost everything that mattered to you…and all you got to show for it…is a brass and intricate piece of machinery that allows you to glimpse into the life your son was given when he was approached by a god of a different sort. The version of your son that is upset with his mother for what she did to him, not for him, is unlikely to come and pay you a visit. So…enjoy what's left of your life…if you even can."
"Wait, please," Yui stopped him as he got up from the table. "I have a question for you."
"Ask away."
"I know that there are…these puzzle boxes that connect to that place where Leviathan resides…but are there…other puzzle boxes that…connect to other places that are like paradise instead of…the agony?"
Death looks at her, probably thinking of how to answer her question, before he speaks his response to her.
"If there are," he responds, "I don't know of any. Maybe nobody alive can know…and maybe those who are damned aren't meant to know just yet. Desire is a strange thing that people devote themselves to; they want something they don't have…and feel that it must be theirs in order for them to feel some sense of elation…and will go to extremes if it means possessing it. But desire becomes a poison that seeps into your soul and eats away at it…if you long for something for reasons that aren't entirely valid…just to justify your own intentions. Perhaps the heart, when it's broken…and left that way…is a puzzle all on its own…and one we can't solve, no matter what we try…because we simply don't know enough to understand why it was broken to begin with."
Yui accepted his response and sighs.
"This world is doomed, isn't it?" She asks him, referring to the current state of the world now that the Evas were not in use and NERV was likely facing disbandment.
"It's not for me to know," he tells her. "Whether this world can move on or die…is up to the people left in it to do something that helps rather than harms it. What can you do that helps instead of harms the world? What can your husband do to help others? Can SEELE do anything to rebuild society besides tearing it down and exploiting people in order to become gods? You tell me. I don't know what anyone here is capable of until they choose to do something. All I can say is that the kami don't intervene because people have to learn how to do things themselves. If you pride yourself based on your intellect, then use it to do something good for once in your life. Be someone that creates for the sake of actually doing something that helps people to live rather than tear them down. It would be the first time someone like you actually used her accursed knowledge to do the right thing after losing her family."
And then, like a breeze, he was gone, leaving her alone in her apartment. All Yui had now…was her regret and the knowledge of why, even if she did do something good to help others, it wouldn't be enough to atone for her faults. But all she had left…was to at least try. Even if she never saw her son again, she could at least try to build a better future that was better than the past that he escaped from.
-x-
Fuyutsuki returned home to his apartment and sighs as he steps into his closet and opens a compartment inside a wall to reveal a safe. Typing in the code, he unlocks it to reveal the puzzle box he had to keep out of SEELE's possession; even if this wasn't the only one in existence and they were able to acquire others, this one was the only one so far that was convenient because it was readily available to be exploited. He had to make sure that it was kept safe from the people that would do whatever it took to get what they were after. At first, he thought about doing what that man did with the box he had that brought his friend back to life, taking a cruise and then dumping the box into the ocean, as it was now next to impossible to retrieve anything when the ocean floor is littered with cities and debris, but something like that seemed unlikely to stop SEELE. His next best recourse was to make sure it was locked up someplace that was only accessible to him.
It's probably why they invented every storage method known to mankind, he thought as he closed the safe again after making sure the box was still there. I gotta get a new safe or a storage unit.
It wasn't the brightest of plans, but he knew he wouldn't be around to keep the box safe forever. And he couldn't let SEELE have it, even if there wasn't a chance they would get what they wanted by using it. No matter what the Cenobites promised, unless you were a soul whose pain couldn't be taken by them to be explored through, anything your heart longs for will always result in some kind of suffering.
"There was a man in their realm, a hedonist," Ritsuko had once informed him, "and he sought pleasure from the Cenobites, but all they had to give him…was pain. Every choice he made always returned to pain far worse than he could ever imagine. Some people in that maze get lucky, though. The ones that become Cenobites, they end up relishing the suffering they're in. One of them was once a doctor whose greatest misery, prior to becoming a member of their ranks, was that he hesitated from embracing his darkest desire to know more than he thought was possible. But in the end, pain is all that awaits those that desire for the darkest of reasons."
And if that pain were to spread across the world, everyone would be at risk…including the truly innocent that want nothing to do with the possible end of the world.
He couldn't stop people from desiring whatever it was they wanted, but he didn't have to be indirectly responsible for leading them to whatever could cause irreparable harm to others in the process. The sooner he found a place to hide this box, the better…and keep SEELE from sacrificing others to get their desires fulfilled.
-x-
"No, Gendo," Yui had told him upon discovering that she wanted a separation from him for the time being, despite his assurance that they could fix their problems, "we can't fix this. We caused this, so it's impossible to fix."
And, of course, Gendo had no idea of how to really fix this matter, but he feared the likelihood that Yui would leave him forever. Despite his one desire being her resurrection, and having it fulfilled by the Cenobites, he was alone. Even if he took the box from Fuyutsuki again, he couldn't be granted an additional audience with their god; one gift per person was something they were going to stress out, and nothing he asked for could violate the gifts or desires of another person.
"Had I learned before you shot me," went Fuyutsuki to him a few days after they had left the Geo-Front, "that after sacrificing that Angel and learning that it was associated with the Cenobites, and that returning it to them made it so that six people could have their wishes granted by Leviathan instead of just one…I probably would've given you the box if you had demonstrated more restraint. But you just had to be first, no matter what the risk. I had to fix my mistake, but you wanted to get something that wasn't even yours to begin with. If by some miracle the Angels cease their attacks, I'm washing my hands of NERV. I've spent too much of my time and my life in the company of death and deception."
While Gendo could've argued that he acted on the chance that once Fuyutsuki made his wish to get back Ritsuko Akagi, he would lose his chance to reclaim Yui, so he had to take the risk, but his impatience had cost him more than he realized when he learned of his son's fate, which was different from what any of them had expected. Rather than suffering in some miserable hole, Shinji was living a happy life in another universe where he and Yui were nothing like they were today, where he had a child of his due to a madman's arrogance and a lady friend with a child of her own, having no need for anything else because he had all that he had ever wanted. And he still felt the stinging sensation of that chain digging into his hand from when he tried to approach Shinji in an attempt to bring him back to their world before learning the hard way that their son was lost to them. It was only by the grace of the Cenobites that he didn't lose his hand or any of its motor functions.
And now, even with the Cenobites gone, there still seemed to be nothing more than…bitterness. His wife was alive, but wanted time away from him because of the revelation that their son was gone, Lilith was gone, making Human Instrumentality unlikely to happen, and there was no indication that Unit-01, the only Eva made from the genetic material of Lilith, could be used as a substitute to facilitate Human Instrumentality, meaning everything that SEELE spent the last fifteen years or so has been for naught. Although he had nothing to do with the loss of Lilith directly, because he was the leader of NERV, SEELE would hold him responsible. Even so, it seemed like nobody that had anything to do with NERV would walk away scot-free; the mere fact that many of them saw the Cenobites left some scarred, either positively or negatively, and wouldn't be able to forget them for quite some time.
"Daddy, please!" He recalls Shinji yelling at him the day he left him with his mother's relatives. "Don't leave me!"
And then he saw the version of himself that was a part of his son's wish to be loved and accepted by people, how the guy seemed like a positive and outgoing version that had never felt a reason to exploit other people a day in his life. He hated Shinji for viewing that man as his father (and, for all intents and purposes, due to the Cenobites confirming that multiple realities exist, the man was his father, just the complete opposite of how he was) and couldn't fathom how Shinji could want that life over there when it was nothing more than an escapist dream.
"…The mere fact that, even though the truth was in front of you, time and again," he heard someone say to him in his living room, "you refuse to accept it for what it was and why he chose it…is what makes you a failure as a parent."
He looked by the window and saw someone sitting by the blinds, partially obscured by the shadows. It was a young man, but they looked visibly scarred and like they were dressed for a fantasy convention; they were wearing loose, baggy pants, a shawl over their shirt, and their left arm seemed bionic in nature.
"Who are you and how'd you get in here?" Gendo demanded, and the man moved into the light.
"Who do you think I am?" They responded. "Would you believe me, even if I told you?"
"State your name."
"Shinji Ikari, age thirty-seven."
"That's not possible; Shinji would be fourteen, not thirty-seven."
"The multiverse, sir. Time and space aren't bound to a linear order. Every realm for every possibility exists. I'm from such a universe where Third Impact and the Human Instrumentality Project were prevented…and the world has truly rebuilt itself from the brink of extinction. Of course, I had to help rebuild a former empire and turn it into a proper kingdom, of which I serve as its monarch."
"You? A monarch?"
"Do I look like I'm playing games with you?"
"What do you want?"
"Just to tell you that you're heading towards nowhere. Your family, if that's even what you can call it, is in tatters; your wife is currently not with you, your son is gone, living a happy life where he's actually happy, and it was the both of you that drove him away. While much of the drive to want to be loved stemmed from being around your wife's relatives, it was you two and your absence from his life that led to him finding the puzzle box in its final configuration and receiving his audience with Leviathan. So, in a sense, it was you and Yui that led to Shinji getting what he wanted more than anything from the deity that offered it to him freely. And what did you two get from your respective audiences with Leviathan? Hmm? What did you ask for?"
"If you know about Leviathan and the Cenobites, then you already know what I asked for."
"Yes, I know, but do you know? What did you want more than anything else in your whole life?"
"I chose Lazarus. I chose resurrection…for my wife."
"You put your wife first. You always chose her over anyone else in your small world. It's one of the reasons why, no matter how many times this plays out, your so-called family only consists of you and Yui, which is pathetic. If you two only do what you do with each other in mind, where does that leave Shinji? Where does any of that leave your son, who seems condemned to suffer because of you two in one way or another?"
Gendo couldn't answer that question.
"I'll tell where it leaves him," the older Shinji declares. "It leaves him forced to find substitutes to what he can never have with you two most of the time. Sometimes, he gets lucky enough to just be with people that actually want to be with him; other times, he's left alone and without anyone to call a friend, without a place to call his home, without so much as an actual future that was his to live. Do you ever get nightmares about him? Do you ever see someone that looks like your son at the age of fourteen, only warped and beyond any measure of salvation? Do you see someone whose hair has turned prematurely white, whose eyes are red with insomnia, wrinkles forming prematurely under his eyes, devoid of any sense of hope because the light that once resided in his soul was just snuffed out? Do you?"
Gendo turned away from him. There have been a few times where he did see someone like that in his dreams, but they were few and far between. Sometimes, he saw the young man that resembled his son sitting on a throne of bones and twisted metal, and other times alone in the darkness of space, as if pondering things that he didn't think he could ponder at. Other times, he could even hear him speaking…and knowing his voice is hollow and full of bitterness, as though he had an actual reason to resent the world.
"What if I have?" He questions the man.
"He's the one in the most pain," the older Shinji explains. "He's the one. The original. He's the source where all other planes of existence, where all other possible and impossible worlds we reside in, lead to and away from. Except his world ended because of you two, and while your wife got what she was after from the very start of it all, which was false divinity as an eternal testament of humankind's existence as the soul within the Evangelion, he was left with absolutely nothing and nobody. Only one other person ever bothered to return to life with him…and they shunned him. They pushed him away…or so he was led to assume…and that's when he lost all sense of hope in anyone. All he had left…was pain and hatred. And no matter how long he waited for others to return, no one ever did. His world was left a barren wasteland devoid of any life where not even a weed could flourish. He waited for an eternity, trying to cling to the possibility that someone, anyone, would come back from the Hell he was forced to create, but no one ever returned. You two, who were supposed to have been the ones to teach him right from wrong, taught him only the wrong. You, who were supposed to give him hope, led him down a road of despair. You two try to break the rules and violate the sanctity of everyone's existence…and you both get either damnation for your crimes or you try to run from your responsibilities to answer for your mistakes. He does only what you two manipulated him into doing…and he ends up the one being blamed for everything that has gone wrong. You made him the villain, the scapegoat, the reason for why nothing is working for most of us in other worlds, other possibilities that exist. You two failed him…and unless a solution is found where he can go quietly into that pain-free night that promises the release he has been denied for too long…I fear that none of us will be safe from the pain in his heart that will wash over us like a merciless flood, stripping away all that we give our all to protect each and every day of our lives."
"And you think a solution exists here?"
"No. No hope of a solution exists here. The only hope that exists here…is the hope that people can at least move on and rebuild the maimed world. The only monsters left that exist here…are the ones that we see every single day. The only devils that we make deals with…are the people that think they hold the power to decide other people's fates. The only gods that grant mercy and salvation…are the ones we choose to believe in. You blamed a faceless, nameless god for your slights, both real and imagined, when it was you and those like you that chose to do whatever it was that didn't go your way when it all went south. Whether you and Yui are able to get back together and try to move past the fact that your son will never return to you, that's up to you. Either way, your family, your past, your precious sense of hope for the future that children are supposed to represent, that's gone, tossed away into the trash like everything else we choose to discard. All you have left…is what you have left. That is what it means to lament."
Before Gendo could say anything to him, he was gone, leaving him with the reminder that his family was gone. Or rather, what he thought was a family but never really felt like one…was not coming back together for any of them. Even if he and Yui were able to put this behind them and start over, the space that had been occupied by Shinji would be forever vacant. The last memory he had of Shinji was from when he was eight years old, the last time he ever made time to see him at the cemetery…for less than five minutes before leaving him alone again. With bitterness in his heart, Gendo did the one thing he didn't think he could do, anymore: He cried.
-x-
It was inevitable, but Fuyutsuki knew SEELE was wasting their time trying. The Geo-Front was shut down while the council sent in people to retrieve the puzzle box from the LCL abyss where Lilith once hung above. They would never find it, and he had to make sure that he hid it someplace they would never think to go looking for it; even if there was a chance they would obtain another one like the one he had, it wouldn't be on him to let someone suffer because their desires. And so, boarding a plane, he was on his way to Hokkaido to procure a safety deposit box in a Sapporo storage facility that promised discretion and security with their clients that came to do business.
Fuyutsuki, he heard a female voice in his head. Kozo Fuyutsuki…we need to talk.
It sounded like Rei's voice, only it was different from before. And suddenly, he found himself standing in the midst of Aokigahara, facing a young girl that looked like Rei Ayanami if she resembled Yui more accurately, her albinism undone, making her look like everyone else.
"Rei?" He spoke, confused by this. "How in the…"
"My prize," she explained to him. "I'm not bound by my previous limitations…and I really need to talk to you."
"About what?"
"The box."
"You want it?"
"No. Not 'want'. Need. 'Want' and 'need' are two very different things. Wanting is a desire, an obsession. Needing is a necessity, a requirement. I need the puzzle box. It serves a purpose for later in life."
"What purpose?"
"Saving a life that needs to be saved from its misery that they can no longer escape from…and punishing those that need to answer for their role in the misery of others. Plus, this spares you from having to hide it from SEELE, whose only interest in wanting the box is to choose Leviathan like I did, except their choice will not be one of gratification or freedom from death due to their mortality. I have seen a man become the monster representing his truest nature as a result of choosing Leviathan…and he no longer remembers why he chose power to begin with."
This was a shock to Fuyutsuki. So even if SEELE did have the box and chose power, they wouldn't truly be able to revel in such a choice. For them, like anyone else that desired something and wasn't specific enough about it, the end result would always be pain.
"Leviathan deemed you to be another exception," Rei told him, which surprised him.
"What?" He asks her.
"Most people that choose Lazarus do so because they want to escape some sense of responsibility they had in causing the death of someone they know or love. Most, not all. But you, you didn't know what the box was capable of…and when you did, you took steps to avoid offering up people to the Cenobites…and when you chose Lazarus, it was to bring back someone you barely even knew…because you didn't mean to offer up anyone. You desired to return a life, not for yourself, but so that they could live their life. And you used the box to return Behemoth the Labyrinth, something no Cenobite could do. You've gotten Leviathan's graces for returning Behemoth to him. The next time you see him, you'll be entitled to a second reward, whenever that may be…and whatever it is that you want."
Fuyutsuki couldn't believe this. The next thing he knew, he just handed Rei the box that he had intended to hide from SEELE. Then, she handed him a different box, similar to the other one, but with a reddish color scheme.
"That is your box," she told him. "When you decide to claim your second prize from Leviathan, whenever you choose, the box will know. Until then, whatever you choose to do with it is up to you, Kozo Fuyutsuki."
As she turned to walk away from him, the elder had to know at least one other thing.
"Please," he stopped her from going, "just tell me one thing, Rei. You chose power. What is it like for you? How do you feel?"
She turned back to face him.
"It doesn't replace the emptiness within my soul…but I am free from control," she reveals to him. "I can go anywhere, do anything…and nobody can limit my choices. There is a pain that comes with it, though, but it's manageable. You're able to go wherever you want, but there's no destination to return to…except the one you keep in your mind. People would often say that home is where the heart is, but that's just a saying. Home has to be wherever you feel most bliss. I don't have that luxury…yet. One day, I'll find a place for myself…and everything that comes with it. Until then, there are many sights to be seen. Until we meet again."
He was then back on the plane, looking out the window at the world below. In his left hand was the box Rei had given him in exchange for the one Shinji had found and claimed his prize with. His box, for his future audience with Leviathan.
"That's a nice box, sir," a woman sitting beside him said, and he put it in his travel bag.
"Thank you," he praised her.
Although it was not the box he had intended to hide, he could still put it away until a time came where he would use it to claim a second reward. If it was the same as the previous box, the rewards had to be either life, knowledge, love, sensation, resurrection or power. But only if this box was like the other one.
-x-
It seemed that, unlike those limited to specific universes, Rei, through her prize of power claimed from Leviathan, could move around to places that were unlike anything known to the human imagination. There were worlds where humans could become giants as tall as skyscrapers, where machines lived alongside animals, where fantasies were more fact than fiction, even worlds where humans had evolved from wolves instead of primates. But there was a disturbing aspect to some of the universes she had seen; in almost every universe where she saw this boy that Gendo and Yui Ikari had lost due to their own arrogance dwelled, there also dwelled the Evangelion, as though it were a constant variable in an equation, and its existence brought both salvation and damnation to everyone within its sphere of influence. And in one such universe, she saw how the Evangelion, simply because Gendo and Yui had chosen it over their own child, had left a world in ruins with absolutely no hope of being restored, where the human race had been reduced to nothing more than a forgotten memory…and the child they abandoned…bitter and broken…and alone.
As much as she wanted to approach him, seeing him sitting in this large chair of twisted metal and bone, seeing the look of anger and misery on his face, as well as the premature wrinkles under his eyes that had gone red from a lack of rest, she wasn't sure how to do so. There was something about him that seemed…eroded. If she could ask someone that knew more than she did, she would…but not a scientist; her former dependence on men and women of such a practice and belief had a detrimental impact on trust and tolerance.
"Are you even real?" She heard him say to her, looking at her. "Are you even a person? Do you even feel? Is any of this real?"
His voice! It wasn't just empty and bitter. It was withered, as though he hadn't had anyone to talk to in such a long time. As much as she thought of responding to his question, Rei couldn't even process the way he was looking at her.
"None of them was real," he utters. "How am I supposed to feel? Are you even real?"
If she could see her expression right now, Rei would see a girl that was confused by his questions. Nobody had ever asked such questions that were…of this sort.
He feels he's been forsaken by all he felt attachment toward, she heard a voice that sounded like it belonged to the Second Child. He's lost everything he ever cared about…and continues to decline…until there is nothing left but the hollow hatred that drives him.
Rei turns around to see the Second Child, but sees she's also a shadow of her former self, a withered corpse with a bandages on her right arm and left eye.
"What happened to him?" She asks the redhead.
-x-
Shinji awoke from a terrible dream and looked around his dark room, seeing nothing out of the ordinary.
Crazy, he thought, referring to the dream.
It had been a bizarre nightmare of violence and pain. He saw people in a strange building getting killed by other people dressed in black uniforms, carrying weapons and explosives. There was these women that he had never met before, all telling him to do something, except he didn't want to do it because it was painful…and then a man that looked like his father, only cold and uncaring of how he or anyone else felt about anything. And there was this…giant…purple…figure that only promised one thing to him: Despair. In the end, the nightmare ended with himself screaming at something he saw that was terrible.
I gotta stop letting Shado convince me to let her watch those violent movies every other night before bedtime, he thought as he got up to get a drink of water.
"You couldn't sleep, either?" His mother asks him as he steps into the kitchen, seeing she was sitting at the table with a cup of tea in her hands.
"Just another bad dream," he explains as he gets a cup and walks toward the sink. "What are you doing still up?"
"You're not the only one that gets nightmares every now and then, Shinji. I see myself standing beside this horned creature that seeks to do something terrible to this world of witches and wizards. The worst part is that I'm just watching as the people suffer. It's horrible, and I'm a doctor; I should be helping people, not hurting them."
"Yeah," he says as he sits at the table across from her. "Any dreams lately that have been the opposite of unpleasant?"
"Yesterday's dream was. I was with you, walking through this city of skyscrapers, dressed in this dark suit that looked like armor with these gloves that were able to cut through just about anything. I looked like some kind of heroine or anti-heroine; I was ready to face anyone that tried to hurt you."
"That's pretty awesome. Yesterday also had a good dream for me. I was with Rumiko, Shado and Toya on this beach. There was this small house nearby. We were happy."
"Do you still have your regrets about giving up that box you had for years to the guy that was willing to buy it from you?"
"A little, but I know it's not really something I need to worry about. I mean, Mr. Ragako is an art dealer; he shows off whatever pieces of intriguing sculptures that he can acquire. All I can do is hope that he takes pleasure in what that box does for people whose interests skew towards different delights."
"Shinji, you're still a young man with your whole life ahead of you. Take a step back and chill. You're not responsible for the state of the world; when people feel they need to safeguard the world from something, it draws them away from what should really matter to them. In this case, it will distract you from Shado and your relationship with Rumiko. Focus on what is important to you. Cherish what makes you happy, not dwell on what you think is best for the world. You're just one person."
Shinji smiled as he finished his water.
"Thank you, Mother," he praises her as he gets up to return to his room. "See you tomorrow."
-x-
"Beautiful, isn't it?" A man said to a woman as she looked down at an intricate prism on a display stand.
"Yes, sir," she responds, looking down at it. "It's very nice. I've never seen anything like it. What is it?"
"It's a puzzle. Believed to be the only one of its kind, forgotten about until now, and it's almost finished. Would you care to hold it?"
The woman looks at the prism, the puzzle, and isn't sure if she should hold it or not. But she wanted to. Truly, she did. It looks so mesmerizing and had to be of extraordinary value to be on display in this museum.
"Sure," she finally answers the man, and reaches to take hold of it.
Greater delights await those who wish to proceed…
A/N: And here it ends. Or rather, here is where the story ends, but may be observed upon by others in the future. In the end, there were regrets by those that thought they could've done differently than what they did do, learning of fates that were better left uncommitted, and the ones that suffered more so than others are the ones that got what they desired most and are able to move on with their lives. What did you think of the story?