Hi everyone! A thousand apologies for the delay in getting this out. This year has been kicking my butt. Aside from the writer's block that I wasn't able to push through, I was dealing with a lot of personal issues. There was a death in the family, some flooding in my house, and I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (not a super life-threatening one, but it has forced me to adjust my lifestyle a bit and explains why I always seemed so sick. And I got really sick). So I've been dealing with the stress of that, treatment, and I'm just starting to get back into the swing of things. I'm so sorry that it took me so long to get an update out.
Unfortunately, this chapter isn't finished and I just can't seem to get it to move any further. But I didn't want to keep you guys waiting any longer so I decided to go ahead and put it out anyways. Figured it would at least bring back "an appetite" for the story and maybe my readers could provide me with advice on how they would like this chapter (and story) to end. Please let me know what you think.
Regards,
NarniacSherlockian
Chapter 25: Caspian Finds Out
The next thing Ana knew, the sun was rising. She awoke with the feeling that something was off but didn't know what. Her memory was hazy. The last thing she remembered was running off to find Aslan. Now she was lying under a tree, covered in a cloak for a blanket. She didn't remember how she got there nor where the cloak had come from. Ana sat up, brows furrowing as she tried to recall what happened the previous night.
She was still on Ramandu's Island as were most of the others. It appeared a few were missing, but she knew they couldn't have gotten far. Most likely they had returned to the ship. Ramandu's Island was one of the safest places and there was nothing dangerous. At least to those who meant no harm. And Caspian was sleeping soundly nearby, so she had no reason to be concerned. So why did something feel wrong?
Slowly, Ana made her way to her feet. The cloak quietly fell to the ground around her ankles. She absentmindedly picked it up as she tried to figure out what was wrong. But there were no obvious signs of trouble. Those who could perhaps provide answers from the previous night were either gone or asleep. Lilliandil was nowhere to be seen and she couldn't sense Aslan's presence anymore. She hoped Caspian or one of the others would know what happened. At the very least how she made it back. But they were all sleeping soundly.
Frowning, she took a step forward and nearly fell. Ana felt unsteady and weak, almost like something was missing. But she could still feel her magic so she knew it wasn't that. She struggled to remember what happened with Aslan as she suspected that held answers. But it only ceased to make her head pound. Ana placed one hand on the trunk of the tree to steady herself and the other on her temple.
By the time she could focus again, the others were starting to stir. Most ignored her, preferring to eat a hearty breakfast before starting their day. There was a ship to repair after all. But Caspian made a beeline straight to her. He didn't even bother to hide his concern. Ana halted him before he could speak, hoping to wave off his concern.
"I'm fine," she said. "Just a bit of a headache is all."
Caspian's brows furrowed. "I'm more concerned with what happened last night," he stated rather gruffly.
Her gaze snapped to him. "What do you mean?"
He huffed in what was clearly annoyance but Ana honestly had no idea what he was talking about. She couldn't remember what happened. Though he was still frustrated, Caspian seemed to realize this as both his tone and demeanor changed.
"You disappeared without a word last night. And you were gone for quite a while. I almost left to find you when you came stumbling back. You were pale and seemed a little confused but otherwise appeared unharmed. I tried asking what happened but you pushed past me and mumbled something I couldn't understand. Then you slumped near that tree and didn't move all night. So… what happened?"
Ana frowned. "I-I don't know. I can't remember."
His concern only grew when he realized she wasn't lying and wasn't trying to push him away. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you had a bit too much to drink. You're displaying similar symptoms to when men return from a tavern."
"But… I don't drink."
Caspian nodded in agreement. "Do you remember anything?"
"I remember leaving to find Aslan. That's why I left. But after that… I don't know what we discussed or what happened."
"So Aslan is the cause of this? Are any other memories gone?"
He sounded concerned but Ana knew Aslan wouldn't take memories without her specifically asking him to. "I don't think so. Why? Do you think He took them?"
"I think it's possible you may have asked Him to."
"But why would only my memories from last night be gone? Did something happen?"
Caspian shook his head. "No more so than usual. Do you remember what happened… between us?"
She looked at him for a moment. "If you're referring to when you confessed your love for me, then yes."
He smiled a little at that, seeming relieved. "Good. But I do believe I wasn't the only one to confess such things."
"No… you're right. I did as well," Ana stated slowly as if only just recalling that fact. His smile faded and she shook her head. "I'm sorry…I'm trying to piece together if other memories are missing."
"It's alright," he assured her, placing a hand on her shoulder. She barely reacted to the gesture. "Just let me know if you remember anything."
Ana nodded and Caspian patted her shoulder before walking away. Both were concerned by the memory loss but figured there was a reason. Especially if Aslan was involved. Ana merely hoped that it was only a temporary lapse in memory.
By then, most of the crew had eaten and were heading for shore. They wanted to go home and the sooner they repaired the ship, the quicker they could all go home. It was something everyone was longing for.
Ana approached the table and noted that there was still plenty of food, even though almost a hundred people had eaten the previous evening. The food had either been replenished at some point—and she was too out of it to notice—or the food magically replaced itself. Either one was plausible as she remembered Lilliandil telling them there would always be enough.
But she decided not to worry about it and began to eat. She had more important things to concern herself with. Caspian kept glancing at her while she ate, but Ana pretended not to notice. The events of the previous evening weighed heavily on her mind. But she didn't even have a chance to ponder the missing memories when hurried footsteps interrupted her thoughts.
"Sire!" Drinian exclaimed, causing all heads to turn to him. "You must come see this!"
Without another word, the Captain turned on his heels and left the clearing. Caspian quickly jumped up from the table and rushed to follow. Curious as to what was going on, Ana abandoned her meal and hurried after them. Everyone else seemed inquisitive, but only a few tagged along as well. For those that remained behind, Ana assumed their appetite surpassed their curiosity. But they could've also decided it wasn't important. If it affected them, someone would let them know. She didn't assume to know what everyone else was thinking.
Drinian led Caspian and the small crowd to the beach. Most of the crew had gathered on the shore, doing nothing. There were looks of both puzzlement and relief on their faces. When Ana followed their gazes across the water, she stopped in her tracks. As did Caspian and the others who had followed them.
"She's been fixed!" the Captain explained. "Overnight! As if by magic."
The Dawn Treader stood, glimmering in the early morning light. Even from a distance, everyone could see the ship had been repaired. The head of the dragon was no longer missing and there were no cracks along its sides. The mast and lookout tower stood tall with the sails flapping in the breeze. It looked just as majestic and beautiful as when they left the Narnian port. As if the ship had never incurred any damage.
"Aslan," Caspian said, only sounding a bit surprised.
"It's the only explanation, sire," Drinian agreed.
Caspian nodded and turned to look at Ana. "Did you ask for this?" But she could only shrug in response.
"Whatever the case," the Captain continued, "it means the ship is safe. We'll just need to load our supplies and we can set sail for home."
"That is good news. It's been nearly a year since we left Narnia and I suspect it will take us almost as long to return. Let's not keep the men waiting any longer. Lilliandil has agreed to let us take some food for the journey back."
Drinian nodded and began giving orders. The crew was alive again, moving quickly to obey the Captain's order. Caspian smiled and turned to Ana. With a nod of his head, the two made their way back to Aslan's Table. They needed to gather food and inform the others of their departure from the Island. It was time to head home.
꧁𝑽𝒐𝒚𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑫𝒂𝒘𝒏 𝑻𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓 ꧂
The journey home was crowded and uncomfortable, to say the least. Ana could barely move when the women squeezed into the rooms. Anything that wasn't secured had been removed, but there was hardly any space in the cabins. Most were forced to sleep on the floor and that was a difficult task, especially on a ship.
But it wasn't unbearable. Despite the tight quarters, everyone was in good spirits. Ana wasn't sure if Aslan was involved in that regard or something else. She figured it was plausible that the thought of going home was enough to keep their moods high. She just hoped it would last for the entirety of their journey.
However, there were a few issues Ana had. She no longer had her own space, nowhere to escape. As the Map Room had been taken over as well, they also lost a place to have private conversations. So Caspian's sleeping quarters had been turned into their meeting location. Whenever the Captain or someone needed to speak privately with the King, that was where they went.
Caspian, however, noticed one individual participated in the meetings less. Normally Ana was right there, ready to discuss the next plan of action. But in the few meetings they had had already, she wasn't there. He missed her input, but he could hardly call her out on it. She was likely unable to get away from the crowded rooms. So he tried not to worry too much. But Caspian did feel like she was keeping things from him and it made him very concerned. They had promised to be more open with each other but now Ana seemed closed off. He quickly found out the reason after only two days at sea.
Ana awoke that morning to several sharp pains coursing through her body. She sat up in alarm, instantly regretting the action as it made everything hurt more. Somehow she managed not to cry out and wake the others. She thought it was perhaps a delayed reaction to the battle at sea. But the pain was mostly in her chest and she had received no injuries there. She also didn't have any broken bones to warrant feeling like everything was.
A groan of pain slipped through as she forced herself to lay back down. She bit her lip to hold back a sob. Curling up, she wished the pain away. When the other women began to wake, Ana didn't move. She didn't wish to bother the others, but she also couldn't physically move without feeling immense pain. Thankfully, no one tried talking to her and she spent the morning alone in agony. She didn't eat and couldn't sleep. The littlest things hurt.
By the afternoon she was feeling better so Ana finally stumbled out of bed. She made herself presentable and left the room. Some of the women were still there and she could feel their eyes on her. She ignored them. Others had left and scattered throughout the other rooms and the deck. Ana barely passed them a glance, too focused on her search for Caspian. She didn't want to waste time talking to others when she needed to speak to him.
As luck would have it, they ran into each other. In her haste to avoid talking to others, Ana kept her eyes mostly on the ground. So she didn't see Caspian until he bumped into her. He had been talking with one of the sailors and neither had been paying attention. She stumbled backwards when her body collided with his. He reached out to steady her. Ana nearly hissed in pain and worry quickly flashed in his eyes.
"Ana!" he exclaimed, hiding his concern. "My apologies. I didn't see you."
"It's entirely my fault," Ana admitted, smiling a little. "I'm afraid I was a little distracted and wasn't paying attention."
"I believe we were both at fault there then." He turned to Rynelf. "Could you excuse us?"
"Sire. Ana." He bowed to both and quickly retreated in the direction he had come.
Caspian opened his mouth to talk but Ana spoke first. "I need to talk to you. Alone."
He nodded and though he was concerned, he managed to keep it off his face. His brows only furrowed slightly at her tone of voice. But he chose not to say anything and guided her to his room. As soon as the door was shut, he turned to address her.
"What is it? Is everything alright? Some of the women said you looked ill this morning. That you wouldn't get out of bed…"
Her eyes snapped to his. Ana always disapproved of gossip and on a ship this packed, word would spread like wildfire. She had hoped to speak to Caspian before any rumors had the chance to spread. Ideally, she liked to avoid such gossip altogether. Unfortunately, it would seem some rumors, however true, had already begun.
"Ana?" he pressed gently when she didn't speak. He took a few steps closer, but she backed away.
"I remember what happened…" Ana began. She wanted to keep some distance between them as she wasn't sure how he would react to the news. "And I may have made a rather foolish decision."
"I've never known you to make foolish or even rash decisions. What happened?"
"When I left to see Aslan, I had a question for Him. More like a request. I asked Him if it was possible to take my pain away."
"What pain? Ana, what are you talking about? Are you alright?" He was growing increasingly worried, barely restraining himself from doing something reckless.
"The pain of agonizing about something one could never have… Our whole situation. I-I gave Him two options to resolve it. Either take away my curse or… or take my love from me. Both were difficult and painful for me but I couldn't spend the rest of my life like this."
Ana watched as a horrified expression crossed Caspian's face. She was going to continue her explanation, but he didn't allow her to as he quickly closed the distance between them. Seizing both of her arms with his hands, he began to shake her.
"Ana!" he exclaimed, worry in his voice. "What did you do?!"
"I-I," she stuttered, unable to speak. She hadn't seen him like this before. It made Ana both nervous and afraid.
Suddenly, his whole demeanor changed. His face went completely blank and he stopped shaking her. Caspian released his hold and took a few steps back as if he'd been burned. Although it didn't really hurt, Ana rubbed her arms where his hands had been. He refused to look at her and she was too stunned to look anywhere but at him.
They both stood in silence for a moment, unable to speak. Ana realized her heart was racing and she was shaking slightly. It wasn't out of fear though, as she never thought he'd hurt her. And he hadn't even gotten violent with her. His actions were caused by fear and concern for someone he cared deeply about. Her.
"Caspian…" she began but he spoke up instead.
"Forgive me," he said, still refusing to look at her. "I don't know what came over me. I-I just can't believe you would do something so foolish without consulting me. At least when it affects me."
"But it wasn't your choice or decision to make. It was mine!"
"And which one did you make? Because you may no longer love me but I'm still in love with you. And it scares me to think you would give that up, knowing I was willing to make things work." He finally looked at her. "Did you even think about how I would feel? How I'd feel about you giving up a part of yourself for my sake?"
Ana was forced to admit that she hadn't and felt a wave of guilt wash over her. Her decision to go to Aslan may have been selfish. She wanted to help them both, but perhaps she had only thought about her own pain. Not how her decision would affect him, how it might hurt him.
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I was trying to make things easier for us. I didn't want to spend years pining over something I couldn't have. I didn't want you to waste your life trying to help me. I thought going to Aslan would make it easier, that He would make the choice for me."
"And?" There was an edge to his voice. Part of him really didn't want to know the answer. Both seemed horrible options and she knew he wouldn't react well to either one.
"He took from me the one I wished for more. The harder and more painful of the two. He took my magic."
"Ana!" he gasped, though she suspected that would be his reaction either way. "Why would you do that? I never wanted you to give up that which makes you special."
"Not the phoenix!" she quickly amended. She was feeling a little frazzled and shook her head. "I don't know why I said it like that. I still have my magic; I can feel it like nothing's changed. But He broke the curse of my magic. I can age! I-I don't know how long it will take or when we can be together. But we can now. It's possible! If… if that's still what you wish."
Caspian was silent, just staring at her. His expression was unreadable. Ana sighed and looked away.
"I understand why you are angry with me. For not consulting with you on this. But I didn't go to Aslan with the intent of asking Him to take my feelings away. I went to ask Him, again, to take my curse from me. But I realized that might be an impossible task since He never did so before. So I came up with the only thing that would help our situation. It wasn't what I wanted. But I also didn't want to give up the phoenix either, and I was afraid that would be the cost. It wasn't an easy decision for me. I would lose something dear to me either way."
"But He didn't take it?" Caspian finally spoke. She nodded her head in confirmation, still looking away. "Then… why didn't Aslan do it before?"
Ana finally looked at him again. Caspian had moved to lean against the wall of the cabin. He was looking in her direction, but not at her. It was as if he was lost in thought, thinking. Probably about the question he had just asked. It was one she had pondered herself. But now—now that they were in this situation—Ana thought she finally understood.
She took a few steps toward him and it seemed to pull him out of his reverie. "I suspect because the time wasn't right. For quite a long time, I didn't care so I never asked. But once I started to, Aslan had to wait for the right time. Think about it… if He had broken it sooner, there is a chance we never would've met. I would have most likely died before then. And my job wasn't done yet. I still had a lot of work to do, even if I didn't understand it at the time. Or perhaps I didn't want to…"
Caspian seemed to be contemplating this. "And now?"
"I still have work to do. But it's different this time, different from before. This time it's more than just a sense of duty. It's not something I have to do or want to do; it's something I need to do. I need to keep you alive, to keep you on the throne. And not because you're the King. But because, to me, you're one of the most important things in this world and I would do anything to make sure you live a long, prosperous life. Anything to make you happy. Regardless of whether I'm doing so at your side or from the shadows. You mean more to me than a King or even a friend. And I-I need you."
Ana found herself stumbling over her words at that realization. She didn't even comprehend what she was saying until the words were out of her mouth. But she needed him to know just how vital he was to her. That she didn't remain at his side because she felt she had to. She needed to be there, even though she hadn't realized it herself until that moment.
Caspian was silent, studying her. She could read the emotion in his eyes and she hoped hers conveyed just how she felt in this moment. Never had she felt so vulnerable. But she didn't mind doing so for him. He had confessed his true feelings to her and now it was time for her to do the same. No more excuses.
"Caspian," she stated, barely above a whisper. "Y-you are my safe place, my hideaway. My anchor, my saving grace. You're my constant, my steadiness. My shelter… I feel safe when I'm with you. Without you, I-I feel like I can't breathe!"
Skip (Here's where I got stuck. I was unsure how Caspian would react. Perhaps too much is happening in this chapter and I should have ended it earlier... But where?)
After speaking with Caspian, Ana felt as if a weight had been lifted off her chest. She felt lighter as if at any moment she would be blown away in the wind. It seemed so surreal. This was something she never imagined possible. But her wish had been granted and now she was free.
She had no idea how different her life would be now. She was merely happy that Caspian and her had a chance. Ana never thought it would be possible that one day the curse of her magic would be broken. It seemed like a dream. As if at any moment she would wake and it would all come crumbling down around her. But it wasn't. And unfortunately for Ana, she would be reminded of just how real it was.
Any advice you have for this chapter would be greatly appreciated! It's been so long I don't even know how I wanted it to go. I'm open to removing or changing some things already written just to make it all tie together. The current ending doesn't even have to go with this chapter. I can change it or add it to the next.
Thank you all for your kind comments and support. And again I must apologize for the accidental year-long hiatus.
As a side note: Ana's confession towards the end comes from a song I heard last you haven't heard it, I totally recommend it. Thank God I Do by Lauren Daigle. When I first heard it, I thought of Ana and everything she's been through. So part of the tirade came from that.