I took my sweet time yet again, didn't I? In my defence, I did say that the upload schedule might be very inconsistent, and there you go, it is veeeeery inconsistent. But chapter 7 is finally here! Enjoy!
She couldn't move for a moment. She was thinking frantically, trying to come up with a plan, but her mind seemed to be completely blank. Even in her wildest dreams she would've never imagined such a scenario. As if in slow motion, she could see Itou's head turning towards her, probably because of Kondou's reaction to her appearance. She shut her eyes, bracing herself for what was to come, her heart beating so fast she was surprised that it haven't jumped out of her chest yet. But the disaster, which she thought was inevitable at this point, didn't happen.
Itou seemed oblivious to her panic, as he barely spared her a glance and returned his attention to the commander. There was no recognition in his eyes. He had no idea who she was. Shizuka handed out the tea cups and excused herself with a murmur, almost tripping over her feet as she escaped the common room. She inhaled in relief, only now able to breathe again. He didn't recognise me. Thank god.
She sat down at the porch nearby, after first making sure that nobody would spot her here. Her heart has finally calmed down and she could think straight. She hoped that none of the captains noticed her suspicious behaviour.
After the initial shock had worn off, she started wondering what business Itou might have with the Shinsengumi. His presence clearly stirred a lot of emotions, none of them positive. The memory of Itou's visit at her own house came back to her, as it was marked by similar tension.
The man had come to see Father to gain some information on him, but his intentions were not stated obviously. Itou had remained very vague throughout their meeting, never expressing himself in an open manner and relying on general statements instead. But Shizuka could remember how clear it was that he was trying to get as much as possible out of Harunosuke. He had been looking for allies.
Father was very polite and attentive, as he would normally be towards his guests, however he cut off any conversation about politics immediately. He was not affiliated with any side of the growing conflict, and intended to stay neutral till the end. Harunosuke would always tell her that oni, though they lived among humans, didn't involve themselves in human wars and disputes. In the past some clans had fought alongside humans, but his expression when he recalled those instances told Shizuka that he was very condemning of those of his kind, which decided to break this unwritten rule. He believed that oni should absolutely not mingle in any human affairs and would always advise her to do the same, had it come to situation of such a kind. Besides, she's never known a more peaceful man than him. The war, with all its cruelty and mercilessness seemed too dirty, too evil for somebody as pure and honourable as Father, that's why she could totally understand his thinking. Itou on the other hand did not.
The moment Harunosuke gently indicated what are his views on the matter, the temperature in the room dropped down several degrees. The man had a hard time concealing his distaste and Father was fully aware of that.
During the entire conversation Shizuka was barely listening, sure she wouldn't hear anything new. Visits like this one were happening quite frequently. Despite his rather quiet lifestyle, Harunosuke was a prominent figure in Kyoto, his dojo always attracting a lot of people. Those who were not looking for a teacher would try to get in his good graces, or use him for their advantage for one reason or another. Not rarely men were in search of financial aid from him.
She wouldn't have remembered the encounter so vividly if not for one thing. Itou has threatened Father, alas indirectly. As each word uttered by the man, that observation was veiled by forced politeness and obliqueness, but Shizuka could clearly notice a change in his tone and attitude.
"Neutrality, Kurai-san, though a beautiful concept in itself, is not looked upon favourably in the times of conflict. One should know where his heart lies before he is forced to make a choice…" His eyes, which did not leave Harunosuke's face even for a second, suddenly focused on Shizuka. His voice became even colder than before. "Or before it is too late to make it," he finished. Her brows had furrowed and she held his stare defiantly. She'd sensed how tense Father was, and anger has started building up inside of her. He had offered Itou a pleasant smile though, and responded in the most calm and courteous way, what had earned an icy glare.
Soon after that the man had left their household. She had tried to talk to Father about the incident but he disregarded it, reassuring her that there was nothing to worry about. The girl had decided to listen to him, but Itou and his affront have etched themselves deeply in her mind.
She looked from her hiding spot towards the common room, her fists tightening at the thought of the insufferable man inside. The fear of getting caught was long gone, and she was left with only frustration. She wasn't sure why exactly Itou has come to the headquarters, but her gut was telling her that he was up to no good.
When she heard the sounds of shuffling and movement echoing from the common room, she stood up and quickly left the corridor, since the last thing she's wanted was to see Itou again. However the anxiety caused by his sudden appearance did not leave her.
Her suspicions turned out to be correct. Itou became the Shinsengumi's military advisor. Kondou was very fond of the man's eloquence and seemed to be completely oblivious to the fact that other captains could not stand the new addition to their troops. Itou was a snake-like man. Most of the time he remained in shadows and just observed everything. He was slithery and unapproachable. The only, and major, difference between him and a serpent was that a reptile attacks only when threatened. Itou attacked out of pure malice.
Most of the captains fell victim to his degrading remarks early on, what further worsened his reputation among the Shinsengumi. Even Shizuka didn't escape unscathed, but she was ignoring all of his provocations, a concern that he might still recognise her at the back of her mind. The only person relatively safe from Itou's criticisms was Heisuke. The younger man knew him, since Itou used to tutor him before he joined the troops. However he was not happy to be in this position. Shizuka saw that he was very torn and saddened by the newly created rift between the troops.
But soon came the breaking point. It was during one of the meetings, some weeks after Itou's arrival.
Kondou gathered all the captains to discuss the topic of changing the headquarters. Shizuka's heard Harada and Shinpachi talking about it few times already. After their recent achievements, more and more men wanted to join the Shinsengumi, and their current base, Mibu Temple, was slowly becoming too small for all the new recruits. The issue became even more pressing after the arrival of Itou, who brought some more men from his dojo in Edo.
Shizuka entered the common room with a tray just as Hijikata mentioned Nishi Honganji Temple as a possible candidate for their new headquarters. It was a Buddhist temple, located some distance away from their current compound. Shizuka nodded absentmindedly. She knew the place, and it seemed like a perfect match.
"As far as I know, Nishi Honganji is known to be a hideout for Choshu. The inhabitants would never accept us," Sannan spoke up, and she looked up in surprise, as did most of the men. After his injury, he's distanced himself from everybody and spent most of his time in his quarters. And even when he was joining them for meals, he would never speak a word. Hijikata turned to Sannan.
"I don't care. Those Choshu bastards were taking advantage of temples and monks for a long time now. So if they resist, we'll force them to comply."
"Force them? Don't you find it inappropriate to use any form of violence against monks?"
"Sannan-san has a point," Shinpachi said, clearly having similar reservations.
"Yes, he does," Kondou agreed, his finger tapping the chin repeatedly in a pondering gesture. Both Hijikata and Sannan have presented some valid arguments.
Itou, who until now was just observing the discussion, straightened himself and spoke up.
"Let us go with Nishi Honganji." Having caught the attention of the gathering, he produced a piece of paper and slid it towards others. "I did a little research by myself and I can assure you its location and circumstances make it a perfect headquarters." Shizuka had no chance to read the note, but seeing the reactions of the men she deduced that it was a confirmation of Itou's words. "Also, as Hijikata-san mentioned, we would be able to limit Choshu's movements quite significantly."
"Indeed. We would rid them of one of their hideouts," Saito observed.
"Not to mention that we'd be right there to jump into action the moment they are up to something." Most of the men nodded in agreement at Harada's words. Shinpachi just glanced at him, his brows furrowed in doubt.
"True, but still…" he murmured unsurely.
Kondou was deep in thought, his eyes closed, a distressed frown clouding his face. Sannan turned to him, his gaze shining with determination.
"Abandoning the fundamental virtues like justice, no matter how important a cause may be, will lead to eventual ruin. Please reconsider, commander."
While the girl handed Itou his share of tea, she noticed that he was focused solely on Sannan. He clearly didn't like his opinion.
"Sannan-san, you are always so thoughtful. However, I believe that the end justifies the means. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made for a greater good," he said. Then his stare became cold, a hint of cruelty sharpening his features.
"I do understand why you are being so defensive, though." Sannan's body tensed at the words.
"Defensive?"
"Even if your left arm is now useless, and you are unable to live your life as a swordsman, you do not have to worry. Your wisdom and sagacity are still of great value to the Shinsengumi." The silence which fell over the room was deafening. She froze with her arm stretched towards Okita, the cup of tea in her hand momentarily forgotten. She looked up at him, and their eyes met briefly. He seemed calm, but his expression seemed to have cracks in it. It looked like a mask. He was clearly holding back his anger.
"What are you getting at, Itou-san?!" Hijikata exclaimed in outrage, his loud voice making her flinch in surprise. Okita's hand grabbed her own, preventing the contents of the cup from overspilling, and he took it out of her hands. She offered him a little nod of gratitude, and stood up, stepping back towards the exit as quietly as possible. Nobody noticed her retreat, all eyes focused on either Sannan or Itou.
"Of course Sannan has the intelligence none of us possesses. And his arm will heal with time!" Hijikata spoke up again, trying to regain his composure.
Sannan looked down at his bandaged limb, his eyes hollow, his face betraying no emotion whatsoever.
"Hijikata-kun, my arm…" he trailed off, almost whispering. The vice commander looked away, a silent curse escaping his lips. They all knew the truth even if nobody has stated it out loud. There was no chance that Sannan's arm would recover.
"Oh, how insensitive of me! Forgive me, Sannan-san. I hope your arm gets better," Itou blurted out, breaking the silence. There was no remorse nor sincerity in his voice. Hijikata was about to say something, but in that moment Kondou spoke up.
"I know we all have different thoughts about this, but let's go with Nishi Honganji. Let's make it our new headquarters." As commander divulged into details, Sannan rose to his feet and left the room. Kondou paused momentarily, his frown deepening, but he composed himself just as fast and continued the discussion.
Shizuka was sitting nearby, waiting until they finish so she could clean up. She's heard the rest of the exchange, and felt really bad about the entire situation. When she saw Sannan sitting there, looking utterly defeated and broken, she couldn't help but regret the lack of understanding and unkind thoughts she's had towards him.
When he went out of the common room, she stood up and turned towards him, not entirely sure what to do. He looked at her with a strained little smile, and all the words died at her throat.
"Now that they have such a splendid military advisor, the first sergeant is no longer needed," he said, more to himself than to her, and continued down the hallway. She sat back down, a heavy sigh escaping her mouth.
After the dinner, as she was helping Shinpachi with the dishes, she noticed that the captains lingered in the common room. Kondou and Itou had left early, absorbed in a conversation concerning the new headquarters. Innoue also went out already. Sannan did not leave his room ever since the meeting earlier today.
Once they were done with the chores, they moved to a little courtyard located near common room, which men were calling the "resting area". Shinpachi and Shizuka sat down in synch. Somebody joined them on the bench and she didn't have to look to know that it was Harada. Soon she heard steps and glanced around discreetly. It seemed that they've all come here. Saito was below them, leaning against the railing slightly. Hijikata stood near him, his back propped against the wooden column. Lastly, she noticed Okita, who's claimed the spot at the stairs. For a while they were all silent, similar thoughts going through each head.
"I feel so sorry for Sannan-san," Harada said finally.
"Yeah. Most of the soldiers avoid him now," Shinpachi agreed.
"Can't say I'm surprised. Lately he's nastier than even Hijikata-san," Shizuka murmured, and heard a scoff from beneath.
"Shut up," the vice commander spat out.
"They're simply scared," she continued, ignoring Hijikata's comment.
"He wasn't like this before. He always looked after everyone." Shinpachi said, propping his face on his hands.
"He was kind and caring," Harada added. Then a tiny laugh escaped his mouth. "At least on the surface."
"Yup. Deep down he was as devious as…" Nagakura started, but Hijikata turned around sharply, and the man cut himself off. Shizuka and Harada chuckled, but it stopped quickly. Nobody was really in the mood for jokes.
"I seriously can't stand this Itou guy. He's a fake asshole," Shinpachi spoke up again after a moment.
"He's like a snake," Shizuka voiced her thoughts, and both men nodded vigorously in agreement.
"And he's looking down on everybody. It's the worst," Sanosuke pointed out.
"I don't trust him," the vice commander said, and a brief silence fell between them. Even though it was clear that Hijikata was not the biggest fan of Itou, he's never expressed his dislike explicitly, for he was not the type to throw words around without thinking. But the fact that he openly admitted to this animosity meant that he considered the man a real threat, and they all knew how serious it was. Okita was the first one to speak.
"Then why don't you get rid of him?"
"Not happening. For whatever reason Kondou-san adores that bastard." She quickly looked over at Okita. At first glance he seemed unaffected, but then she noticed his hands. His fists were clenched so hard that the knuckles turned white.
"Ah, you're so useless, Hijikata-san," Souji complained, and Hijikata snarled at the insult. "Just make a scene and throw him out. Aren't you supposed to be the fearsome Demon Vice Commander?"
"Then I'll let you be the vice commander, and we'll see how you do."
"No thanks, too much of a pain in the ass," Okita answered with a laugh. But similar to Shizuka and Harada, his chuckle soon turned into a sigh.
She glanced down at Saito. He was silent ever since they've gathered here, and she started wondering what was his opinion.
"Saito-san," she called out to him, and he turned to her upon hearing his name. "What do you think about all of this?" The man straightened himself and looked ahead.
"Belonging to the community of people with various views and beliefs may help in broadening one's horizons and finding out where one's own heart belongs. It also allows the group to grow and expand," the man said, and they all considered his speech for a moment. "However, if the diversification is forced, the community will destroy itself from the inside."
Saito's words left everybody in the state of grim pensiveness. They remained on the courtyard for a long time, none of them moving or speaking. The sun was slowly ending its daily route, and as surroundings became increasingly more dim, their thoughts have also seemed to succumb to the slowly overwhelming darkness.
Shizuka couldn't sleep. She kept tossing and turning on the futon, sometimes falling into a restless slumber only to stir after few minutes. She's felt hot, so she pushed down the covers, but then it suddenly became freezing, so the covers were pulled back, all the way up to her nose.
"Ah, dammit!" she barked and sat down, her legs crossed. She gathered the blankets and covered herself tightly.
It's been few days, but her mind was still in chaos, various thoughts intruding constantly, and preventing her from getting any rest. Saito's words stuck to her and did not want to leave.
Destroy itself from the inside… Could it happen to them? She remembered those few times when she's seen the patrols on the streets of Kyoto, back when she was still living with Father. Even then, when she's known nothing about them, she could clearly sense how in tune the soldiers were. The feeling of unity was almost palpable. Could this really get ruined by one man?
In the course of her stay with the men she came to care deeply for all of them. Shizuka was reluctant to acknowledge it, but the Shinsengumi felt almost like a family to her. Admittedly, it was a very bizarre and unusual family, but family nonetheless. The last thing she's wanted was for them to break apart.
While she was staring listlessly at the ceiling, her ears suddenly picked up a noise. She focused her oni powers and recognized the quiet sound as steps. Who's walking around at this hour? she wondered, and before even deciding on what to do, her body was already in motion. I can't sleep anyway, so I might as well check it out.
Shizuka slipped into her hakama and peeked out as quietly as she could. She recognized the silhouette right away. Sannan-san. The man was heading in the direction of the common room. Without much thinking she left her quarters to follow him. After few seconds she paused though, looking towards her room unsurely. She considered the situation for a moment and went back, grabbing Sagami Kaneyasu. Just in case.
Soon she's realized that he was not going to the common room, as he turned towards the part of Yagi house which was unknown to her. Shizuka was only told that it served as an infirmary, and that Sannan was often spending his hours there, conducting various experiments. When Harada had said that, she instantly knew what kind of experiments they were. She's never been to the infirmary herself, and after learning about Sannan's hobby she didn't even want to go there. She was sure it had something to do with the creatures she'd encountered that night.
As Sannan disappeared in the infirmary, she quickly approached it too. The door was not closed, so she entered, trying to remain as quiet as possible. She looked around. There were many shelves in the room, each filled with either jars or various medical instruments. In the darkest corner of the room she could see few beds and a closet. Under the window stood a wooden table with numerous papers spread all over it. There was no sign of Sannan. She noticed another door leading deeper into the building, and went there.
The next room was almost an identical copy of the first one, at least in terms of structure. With only a table, similar to the one before, and few small cabinets it seemed mostly empty, but right in front of her there was a… cage. The opposite side had a small area which was separated from the rest of the room by thick steel bars. Shizuka stared at it for few moments, her thoughts racing. This is where they keep those… monsters? It's empty though. She peeled her eyes off of the cage and continued investigating, the anxiety inside of her growing with each second.
She took a closer look at the table. On its surface there was only one object - a small vial. At first glance it seemed ordinary, but not knowing why her eyes kept coming back to it. Dim light of the moon was seeping through the small window, illuminating the flask and bright red liquid in it. Blood? she wondered.
"Isn't it wonderful, Yukimura?" she heard a voice and flinched in surprise. Sannan was standing right behind her, his eyes focused on the strange fluid. Shizuka looked at him, a silent question written on her face.
"Oh, it is a… medicine of sorts," he said and she remembered Okita's words from way back when they've first learned about Sannan's injury.
Since it's come to this, he'll have to drink the medicine, right?
Her eyes widened in panic, but he didn't notice her expression. He seemed to be in daze, completely unaware of his surroundings. He walked past her and approached the table slowly.
"Once one drinks it, their strength and reflexes increase beyond belief," the man continued, grabbing the vial.
"Sannan-san," she whispered, taking a step towards him.
"Unfortunately this substance, Ochimizu, has one flaw. I tried to get rid of it, perfect the formula, but I keep failing." His hand tightened on the flask.
"A flaw?" she asked as she stepped even closer. She had a very bad feeling about the entire situation.
"Yes. It makes you… lose yourself at some point," he explained. "Your cravings take control over you, make you forget who you are." His gaze fell onto the vial again. "At least that is what has always happened," the man added in a matter of fact tone, but his eyes were everything but indifferent. They were shining with an unsettling fascination, observing closely as the liquid lapped against the glass with each movement of his hand. So the creatures I've met back then… They lost their minds? From what he says it seems that it's happened many times already. Just how many soldiers died because of it? she wondered.
She was very confused and disturbed by the information, but her eyes remained focused on Sannan. He was the most important now. The man seemed to have forgotten about her presence, his eyes glued to the vial. I can't let him drink it! she made a decision finally.
"Sannan-san, give me the vial," she said, moving in his direction slowly. He looked up at her, and suddenly snapped.
"Don't move! Stay where you are!" he yelled, backing further towards the table. Shizuka stopped, raising her arms to assure him that she means no harm.
"Alright, I'm not moving. Just calm down, Sannan-san," she told him, but her words seemed to have the opposite effect.
"Calm down? You're telling me to calm down?!" He laughed scornfully, then pressed his palm against his face. His expression darkened, his eyes wide and filled with sadness. "The way I am now, I am useless. I can't… I can't move my arm. I can't wield a sword." His voice was shaking, and so was his body.
"You're not useless, Sannan-san. Everybody respects you and cares about you. You are invaluable to the Shinsengumi," the girl said with conviction.
"Lies! I'm worthless, just like he said. Worthless," he trailed off and fell silent.
From the distance, she could hear steps of many people. Somebody must've heard Sannan's screaming. I just need to buy some more time, she thought. She looked at the man again, and just as she was about to speak to him she noticed that the vial was no longer sealed.
"But with this maybe I could… Maybe I could return to the way I was," he murmured, his eyes focused on the little flask.
"Sannan-san, don't!" she yelled, rushing towards him, but it was too late. He dropped the emptied vial and the glass broke, few remaining red droplets staining the floor.
For a heartbeat everything was quiet. Shizuka tried to gauge the man's reaction to the medicine, but he was hunched forward, his hair covering his face.
"Sannan-san?"
At once he breathed in sharply and a loud, pained howl escaped his mouth. His legs gave out and he stumbled onto the table, his body writhing in agony.
"Sannan-san!" Shizuka cried out and jumped towards him. Unfortunately, she had no idea how to help him, so she just kept looking at him helplessly, her hand outstretched towards him. Soon the attack seemed to have subsided.
"Are you alright?" she asked gently, and grabbed his shoulder.
In that moment he turned around, and before she could react his hand tightened around her neck, cutting off the air supply. His black hair became as white as snow, his eyes as red as the liquid he's just drank.
"Sann-" Shizuka gasped breathlessly. She tried to pry off his hand, pull at his arm, but he held her in an iron grip. She was staring at him with wide eyes, completely petrified.
The door opened with a thud and she could hear a gasp of surprise.
"Sannan-san, stop!" Okita exclaimed. He stepped closer and the girl noticed his unsheathed sword. He was ready to attack. She motioned at him with her hand, wordlessly telling him not to do anything. He paused confused, the sword in his hand stopping mid-strike. She kept waving her hand, signalling to stay put.
Then she looked at Sannan again. His hold weakened enough for her to catch a breath, and she did so in relief. He was staring at her in horror, as if he's just realised what he was doing.
"Kill me," she heard a broken whisper. The man was trembling all over. He finally let go of her, but she didn't move away. She grabbed his forearms and forced him to look at her.
"Nobody's dying tonight," Shizuka told him, but Sannan wouldn't calm down. Despite her attempts to get through to him he kept repeating the same thing over and over. He seemed to be stuck in some kind of self-initiated nightmare and had no way of escaping. His was body leaned, his face hidden in his palms.
She was worried that Sannan might lose control again, but there was no way she'd let Okita do as he pleased. She slowly positioned herself in between two men, her subtle movement sending a clear message to Okita. His eyebrows furrowed in poorly concealed anger, but he remained still.
"Shizuka-chan, you should leave," he said.
"So you can cut him down? I don't think so."
"It doesn't concern you," Okita observed mercilessly and took a step towards her. "Stop meddling." The girl lost a little bit of steam at how cold his voice sounded, but did not let him see that. Instead she glared at him daringly, her arms crossed at the chest.
"I will NOT leave," she spat out. Okita was about to answer her, and judging by his expression the upcoming words were everything but nice, but in that moment Sannan broke out of his daze and started panicking again. She noticed a flash of red in his eyes and realised he's about to have another attack. Just as Sannan looked up at her, his stare completely blank, Shizuka raised sheathed Sagami Kaneyasu and rendered him unconscious with one swift strike. She prevented his limp body from crashing head-first to the floor, but his weight still forced her down on the ground. She sat, putting his head on her lap.
A deep sigh escaped her mouth, then she glanced up at Okita. He was looking at her in silence, his shoulders tense. In that moment other captains entered the infirmary.
"Sann… What did you guys do?" Hijikata pressed, a deep frown clouding his features as he noticed Okita's sword.
"He's fine. We just knocked him out," Shizuka explained. Hijikata stepped closer and she noticed that almost everybody was here: behind the vice commander stood Saito, Harada and Todou.
"Are you alright?" Sanosuke was staring at her, his eyes widened in worry. She nodded, offering him a reassuring smile, but his expression didn't clear up.
"What the hell happened here?" She looked up and saw that they were all focused on her, even Okita. She explained briefly how she couldn't fall asleep, heard Sannan, and followed him to the infirmary. The girl wasn't sure if mentioning Ochimizu wouldn't put her in trouble, but unfortunately that was too important to omit. And they probably already know what's happened.
"Sannan-san was talking about some medicine, it made no sense at all," she said finally and they all froze at the words. Shizuka gestured with her head and glanced pointedly at the spot on the floor. They followed her gaze and noticed the broken vial.
"He drank that, and completely lost it." After she ended a long silence fell between them. Hijikata's eyes were shut close and he was rubbing his temples in exhaustion. Other men were looking down somberly.
"Souji, take her to her room," Hijikata instructed, his voice stiff. He exchanged looks with Okita briefly and gave him a little nod. The captain then approached Shizuka without a word. He grabbed her elbow and helped her on her feet, then guided her out of the infirmary. The grip on her arm did not loosen.
"Okita-san?" she spoke up, but he didn't seem to hear her. Shizuka called out to him few more times and the result was similar. She stopped, and that finally caught his attention, as his hold was met with resistance. He looked over his shoulder in daze.
"Okita-san, is everything okay?" Hearing her voice, his face hardened and he turned around abruptly. His hand left her arm.
"Are you a fool, Shizuka-chan? Why did you stop me?" he exclaimed in accusatory tone, making her frown.
"What do you mean why?"
"I should've ended it then and there. Now he's..." he paused. She knew what his silence meant. Is Sannan-san going to become like those soldiers? She shook her head at the thought.
"You were seriously considering killing one of yours? And your superior at that? What is wrong with you?"
"You don't know what you're talking about." Okita loomed over her, his eyes piercing her. She met his harsh stare right on.
"What I do know is that you need to stop trying to kill everybody. There are other ways to solve conflict, you know?"
"You wouldn't be so talkative if he strangled you back there," he bit back, changing the topic.
"His grip wasn't nearly strong enough to hurt me! I had it under control," she said in annoyance. Okita just offered her a doubtful scoff.
"You call this "under control"?" he asked, pointing at her neck. The bruises were slowly becoming purple and the whole area was swollen. The state of the injury was clearly belying her words, so the girl covered her neck instinctively. She was suppressing her powers so it wouldn't heal too fast, and as a result it was hurting quite badly.
"It's nothing," Shizuka grumbled and moved past him, heading towards her room.
"Yeah right." She ignored his comments and continued down the corridor, him following closely behind.
Once they've reached her room, Okita invited himself inside and sat down near the unfolded futon. He looked up and gestured at her to join him, an amused smirk flashing momentarily through his face as he noticed her shocked expression.
"What do you think you're doing? Get out," she exclaimed, but Okita didn't move.
"Sit down, Shizuka-chan." The girl considered the situation for a moment. There's no way he's going to leave just because I tell him to, he's way too stubborn for that. She offered him the most disinterested glance she could manage, and sat down finally. He wasted no time and spoke up, but the subject of his talk was quite unexpected.
"Since it's come to this, Hijikata-san thinks you should know about the medicine." She was ignoring him on purpose, but hearing the words, her head turned sharply towards the man. She coughed, trying to conceal her curiosity.
"No way. You guys are actually telling me things? What happened?" she said sarcastically, making him snort.
"Well, I for one think that you should be told nothing."
"Why am I not surprised?" He offered her a crooked smile.
"Anyway," he said after a second, clearing his throat. The smirk was gone, and he was back to strictly business. "Did Sannan tell you anything before he…? he trailed off pointedly.
"Yes. He said it's called Ochimizu, and once you drink it you become stronger and faster." Like an oni, she thought. "But the formula isn't perfect. It gradually changes the person. He said that your… cravings make you lose your mind," she finished quietly.
"So you get the gist," Okita said. "In that case, let me give you some background knowledge." She leaned towards him, not even trying to hide her interest anymore.
The man explained that until recently, the Shinsengumi troops were very small. At one point they were even on the verge of disbanding due to lack of soldiers.
"Back then the shogunate proposed us a deal. We would be given some men, but in exchange we were to test some new medicine they've developed."
"Wait. Tha- Ochimizu was created by the shogunate?" she asked in shock.
"Under the orders of the shogunate, to be exact. It was made by…" In that moment Okita paused briefly and glanced at her. "By a doctor from Edo." She was too overwhelmed with the news to notice the strange look he gave her. It was the shogunate that created those monsters? What were they thinking? she thought. Okita continued with the story.
"When the doctor explained to us about the medicine we were very optimistic. The problem was-"
"He's made no mention of the side effects?" Shizuka made a guess, and Okita nodded.
"He's been very vague about that part," he agreed. "You've seen it yourself, right? You've seen what happens to the ones that are too far gone."
"But Sannan-san's just-"
"I'm not talking about Sannan-san. I mean back in the Kurai household." She stared at him, suddenly rendered speechless.
"I'll take that as a 'yes'," he said indifferently. He didn't seem bothered by the fact that she's lied to them. She had many questions, but decided to remain silent. Better not test my luck with him.
Okita straightened himself, and she noticed that his eyes became distant and cold. She knew this expression well enough to predict where this was going.
"Having said all that, let me give you an advice. You should stop getting involved in our matters. Treat today's incident as a warning. Next time the outcome might be far worse." He stood up and looked at her from above, and seeing his reserved stare she suddenly felt very small.
"You're not one of us. Don't forget about that." Shizuka felt a lump in her throat. Even if he's slapped her, it wouldn't hurt as badly as his words. She gritted her teeth and glared at his retreating back.
"Even if I did momentarily, you'd be the first one to remind me," she said bitterly and he stopped for a second. "Don't worry, I won't forget."
"Good," he said, his voice barely louder than a whisper, and went out.
The girl was still sitting at the same spot, her fists closing tighter with each passing moment. Now that the painful sting from earlier was gone, she was left with anger. She was fuming inside, her annoyance strengthened further by confusion.
What did I do to him that he hates me so much? she wondered, but no matter how hard she was thinking an answer just wouldn't come. True, her relations with Okita were definitely a lot more complicated than those with other captains, but she's never really offended him for real. The only reason she could think of was that the man was extremely distrustful, and suspicious of every stranger. Even though I've been with them for almost a year now… He's still distancing himself. A deep sigh escaped her mouth. Shizuka wanted to get along with all the captains, and that included Okita, as reluctant as she was to admit it. After getting to know him a little better, she's got used to his unique personality. She was hoping that he got used to her too.
I guess not, she thought, a strange feeling of sadness making its way deep into her heart.
"Morning, Shizuka-chan," she heard from behind her as she was walking down the corridor. She looked over her shoulder and saw Nagakura and Toudou.
"Good morning."
"Woah, what's with the dark circles?" Shinpachi exclaimed once he's got a better look at her face.
"I haven't slept much lately," she said with an awkward chuckle. I haven't slept at all.
Nagakura looked at the girl sympathetically and patted her shoulder.
"Don't beat yourself up over it," he said and offered her a little smile. Her eyes widened briefly. She didn't think anybody would notice her gloominess, especially not Shinpachi, who was almost completely incapable of picking up on subtle hints. Soon though she smiled back, and made a mental note to give the man more credit from now on. Then the three of them continued towards the common room. When they've entered, they noticed that everybody was already here, so they quickly sat down too.
After breakfast, they were brought tea by Innoue. He was watching over Sannan for the last few days, that's why they haven't seen much of him.
"So, how is he doing?" Kondou asked cautiously. The others focused on Innoue, curious about Sannan's state just as much as the commander. The man's expression relaxed into a smile, which, though tad strained, seemed genuine.
"He is still asleep."
"Has he… you know…" Shinpachi stuttered, unable to say what he's meant explicitly.
"Until he wakes up we cannot be sure, but he looks very peaceful." The men did not know how to react. It was fortunate that everything was fine for now, but the uncertainty was effectively preventing them from feeling fully at ease.
Shizuka was also lost in thoughts, and because of that she initially failed to notice that the room fell completely silent. Once she looked up, she's noticed the reason for a sudden change of atmosphere. Just as Innoue was answering Hijikata's question, the door to the common room opened, revealing Itou.
"Good morning," he chirped, his eyes scanning the room as he sat down. "I hear that the last few days were full of excitement, is that right?" The men were fidgety, no one eager to explain. Shizuka on the other hand was gazing at Itou, her eyes narrowed suspiciously. For the last week Itou's been in Edo, so there was no way he could've known about the incident in the headquarters. Besides, Hijikata made sure to keep everything under wraps. Unless… A little scoff escaped her mouth. Of course he has people spying on the Shinsengumi. What a conniving asshole.
"Ah, about that…" Kondou stuttered, completely at loss for words. The captains looked at one another helplessly.
"Sano, say something, will ya?" Shinpachi hissed under his breath. Harada stared at the man, a sudden request catching him off guard.
"What am I supposed to tell him?" he mumbled.
"I don't know. Lie to him." Shizuka's eyes wandered between the two men, and she crossed her arms on the chest doubtfully. Okita's amused frown indicated similar scepticism.
"You couldn't even fool a kid, let alone somebody like him," he whispered, and both men looked at him, offended. "You guys stay quiet." Thinking quickly, he glanced at Saito and their eyes met briefly. He nodded in understanding and turned to Itou.
Saito's voice was collected, his calm eyes fixed on the man as he explained the issues of the last days. He left out the problematic bits, and, despite the fact that he had to improvise, managed to make up a very convincing story.
"If you wish to know more, I will gladly present a detailed report." Itou's expression was pleased, and he agreed on hearing the rest later.
After he left, the tension in the room subsided slightly, though they were all far from feeling relaxed.
"We shouldn't have let him see us all gathered like this," Hijikata murmured, rubbing his temples in annoyance. Shizuka nodded absentmindedly.
"True. The only missing one is Sannan-san," a quiet remark left her mouth. She was sure that the absence of the first sergeant didn't go unnoticed by Itou. As much as she hated his guts, he was a very clever and observant man. Those qualities of his were probably the reason why Kondou was so fond of him.
They were still in the common room, deciding on what exactly Saito was to tell him, when somebody entered the common room again. A collective gasp echoed throughout the room.
"Sannan!" Hijikata exclaimed in shock. The man's face was as white as a sheet and he looked downright exhausted, as if standing up was an immense effort. Innoue shifted in his place, ready to assist Sannan.
"Are you sure it is alright for you to move?" he asked with concern, and Sannan offered him a sad smile.
"I only feel slight fatigue. But that is a side effect of my new condition," he answered in his usual, polite tone. "As expected, being up during the daylight hours is quite tiresome for… us." The last word seemed to be hanging in the air, forcing them all to face the truth. Sannan was no longer human.
While other captains remained cautious and unsure, Kondou's eyes were shining with the unshed tears of joy.
"I'm so glad that you're alright, Sannan," he said. Sannan looked at the commander, and for a moment his expression was unreadable. Then he breathed out and nodded.
"So your arm's all better now, right?" Souji asked.
"I cannot say with certainty yet, since my body is still getting used to the medicine, but…" His eyes fell on his arm. Then everybody watched in awe as he raised it, and flexed his fingers few times. "It seems to have healed. At least it is not a hindrance anymore."
Shizuka's gaze travelled from Sannan's arm to his face. In their relief, others failed to notice that he was strangely reserved, stiff even. His eyes were staring anxiously at the limb, as if he was expecting it to stop moving any minute. But the arm was working perfectly and listened to his every command.
"But Sannan-san, how are you going to fight alongside us if you can't go out in the sun?" Harada asked, his brows furrowed. Sannan looked up and shrugged, his expression blank.
"I will not. We have to kill me off." Sannan looked around, gauging the reactions of the men, and when no one spoke up, he continued. "I will be the part of the Corps from now on."
"Are you crazy, Sannan-san? What are you thinking?" Shinpachi exclaimed.
"No, what are you thinking, Nagakura-kun? Shogun's orders were clear: the medicine must be kept secret. By having me die, we will ensure the truth is hidden." Shinpachi fell silent, unable to argue with the logic of Sannan's statement. "Also, it will allow me to work on the formula in peace. It can be perfected, I am sure. I am a proof of it, after all," Sannan added, a determined glint appearing in his eyes.
Shizuka glanced at the others, and judging by their faces, they shared Nagakura's reservations. Sannan was one of them, their precious friend, and as much as they were happy that the man did not perish, the fact that their comrade would be condemned to a terrible fate of living the rest of his days in the shadows of the night felt infuriating and unjust.
Kondou sighed, and put his hand on Sannan's shoulder compassionately.
"Sannan's right. We need to obey the shogunate's commands." Hearing the commander speak up, the rest of the men lowered their heads, resigned and with heavy hearts. Okita caught Sannan's gaze and offered him a little crooked smirk. Shizuka noticed, however, that it was a measly rendition of his usual cocky grin.
"This is what you wanted, Sannan-san. Don't screw up after making all this fuss, okay?" Sannan smiled back at the man and nodded.
"If we want this to work, the new, bigger headquarters is an absolute must. We cannot let Itou or his men see Sannan," Hijikata said, bringing the attention onto another important issue. The men hummed in agreement.
"More space will also allow Sannan-san to continue the research without interruption," Saito pointed out. The discussion concerning the move began, and since Shizuka was sure they would go with Nishi Honganji, she excused herself from the room.
The other, far more humiliating, reason why she's got out of there was because she felt like an intruder. Even though nobody told her to leave, Okita's words were still echoing in her mind, making her feel completely out of place.
Shizuka was walking through the compound in daze, and before she's realized, her legs led her to the bench near her room. She sat down with a heavy sigh. The wind was strong enough to make the girl shiver, but she ignored the increasing cold and remained outside, getting more and more lost in her thoughts as time went by.
She wanted to feel resentment towards Okita, but couldn't really bring herself to do so. After all he's right, she thought. Shizuka was trying her best to get used to the life with the Shinsengumi, and most of the time it was working out quite well. But deep down she was aware that she doesn't belong with them. She was rarely letting herself wander off that far in her thinking though, because this observation was leading to another, far more painful one. She had nowhere to go. She had no home, no family, nothing to live for. Nothing except for her revenge.
Being with the captains for almost a year now made her almost forget this sad truth, but Okita seemed to be right there to bring her back to the ground. It was harsh and hurt like hell every time he did that, but at the same time Shizuka felt grateful. It helped her regain focus, remember that she cannot stay with the Shinsengumi forever, and that she cannot get too attached.
Another sigh escaped her mouth as she realized how much of a lie all of that was. Can't get attached, very funny. She knew that she's already passed the point of no return, that she's already got attached, and the feeling of fondness for those men just kept growing. She might've fought with it in the beginning, but the current her just kept going against the boundaries the Shizuka from the past set.
She looked up at the sky just in time to see the first snowflakes. So that's why it got so cold all of a sudden, she figured. Shizuka outstretched her hand towards the clouds, trying to catch some of the snow. A smile formed on her lips as she looked at a little white dot on her palm.
But the snowflakes kept disappearing before she could inspect them closely. With the crystals melting one after another, her smile also started dissolving and soon it was gone.
Then a sudden thought appeared in her head. Maybe I should just leave? I could finally search for Sawamura properly. She considered the level of danger for such an endeavour. The captains had long stopped controlling her movements, so it would be fairly easy to slip out unnoticed. For a moment she tried to imagine the reaction of the men, and winced slightly thinking about Kondou and the three captains. But what would they all think? she wondered, and immediately regretted it, as it made her remember Okita's words yet again. You're not one of us.
She was not part of the Shinsengumi. While some of the men here knew each other almost their whole lives, Shizuka was a relatively new presence, somebody unfamiliar. She was convinced they wouldn't care much if she were to disappear.
While her silhouette remained still, the snow slowly piling up and creating a thin white layer on her clothes, her thoughts were racing almost feverishly. The idea has already planted itself in her mind, and it wouldn't leave. Not only did it not go away, it kept growing, and slowly but surely evolving into an actual plan.
I should leave the Shinsengumi.
She straightened herself, prompting some of the snow to fall off her shoulders and hair. Her mind was determined, but the hint of sadness in her gaze made it seem like resignation rather than resolve.
Yay, chapter 7 down! Truth be told, it didn't take me that long to finish it, but as I was reading I kept finding things I was dissatisfied with, and it dragged on. Moreover, 2019 is my graduation year, so the amount of projects and exams this spring got really overwhelming, making writing something not classes related almost impossible. But I'm back!
That being said, I hope you enjoyed reading, and of course feel free so let me know what you think!
See you soon!