Chapter 2: The Key To Her Heart
Nothing is easy, nothing is simple.
"I will come back soon," Haruno said, forlornly. Her hand was cradling my face, her fingers caressing my cheek and her taste was fresh on my lips. "I wish we could head straight back to my apartment, right at this very moment, but I don't want to take any more unnecessary risks than I have to. I hope you understand, Hachiman."
I nodded, "I do." The very thought of having to let her go was off-putting. My dominant arm was wrapped around her waist, fingers slowly caressing the small of her back and sending sweet, shivers up her spine. "We have to be careful, always on our guard, wary of other people. I don't intend to cause you any more trouble than I already have, Haruno-san."
Haruno looked up, her eyes scrutinizing me, "And what trouble have you caused me, Hachiman?"
The moment of truth, "I made you love me, Haruno-san."
A deadening, deafening, defeating silence greeted me and then the clarity and summation of everything hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. Haruno was talking again and I was listening to her every word.
"You shouldn't talk about things, you don't know anything about, Hikigaya-kun. It would be unwise of you to grow presumptuous of yourself and your opinions about me, at this point of time. You see, you didn't do anything." Ah, I can see the 'demoness of deceit' pushing through her loving face: golden flecks spattering across her eyes, a nasty scowl spreading over her lips, her elegant brows knitting in an overbearing frown. "You didn't make me love you, Hikigaya Hachiman. You could never make me love you. I don't think it's even possible for you to make me do anything, let alone make me fall in love with someone." The demoness of deceit was a cruel mistress. She couldn't be bought or bullied or leveraged into an understanding. She was a force of nature: untameable, indestructible, amoral.
The monster of logic liked her immediately. "If not me, then who, Yukinoshita Haruno-san?" The only question to be asked which led to another question and yet more questions, while already knowing there would never be an answer, which wasn't tainted with a little bit of lie.
The demoness smiled and the monster found it endearing, "Why me of course!" The demoness of deceit replied with a flourish, her smile widening, looking almost predatory and the monster could smell her sweet scent in the air.
It was intoxicating, like her voice, her confidence, her exuberance. Of course, like the demoness said. Was there even a doubt? No! Monster of Logic, remember? But the monster wanted to listen to her speak his tongue, explain to him everything, logically.
"Oh really?" The monster spoke in a soft, soothing voice. He pulled her close, closer than was particularly necessary, for such a stream of thought. There was enough room for her to leave, but the demoness only moved closer and wrapped herself around him further, "Care to enlighten me on this, Yukinoshita-san."
The demoness clicked her tongue playful. Her arms were wrapped around him, pulling him to her level, making him meet her eyes, dead on. Her voice was silk. "You silly, silly man. Playing the fool, only to watch me shine in all my glory. Like I always say, you are interesting." She stood on her tiptoes and gently licked the underside of his jaw. The monster shivered in anticipation, almost losing focus, but he listened to her every word and counted her each and every breath, hot and thick and needy, on his skin, marred with goose bumps from her close proximity. "You didn't make me fall in love with you, Hikigaya Hachiman. I did. It was my decision. All mine. No one else's. I picked you. I chose you. I want you. No! Let me make this perfectly clear for the monster of logic, you silly, silly boy. Listen close and listen carefully. Because I will only say this once: I. Love. You." The monster found her logic unique and it made him treasure her almost like the idiot 'Hikigaya Hachiman'. "And I don't care whether you love me back or not. For me, only my feelings matter and no one else's. Not even yours. I don't expect you to love me back, I don't expect to turn this into a habit and I don't expect this to last in the near future. But right now, at this very moment, at this very instant, I can say, without as shred of doubt that I am in love with you. And if I love you, I just do."
The monster of logic listened, watched, held her close and then dipped his face to her level. Their noses were almost touching, their hot, heavy breaths mingling in the air, their lips mere seconds apart from tasting each other.
The kiss was quick and swift and brutal: The Monster and The Demoness coming together, taking charge of the situation, solving matters with their own hands. "Both of us said 'I do' at least once in our conversation, Haruno-san." The monster of logic spoke evenly, "If we had the inclination to be anywhere near futile romanticism, I would have made a comment on how, this might foreshadow our impending marriage."
"And if I was Yukino-chan, I would have blushed and made a comment on how, you are more interested in the honeymoon than the marriage." The demoness of deceit spoke evenly too, "Luckily I am not my little sister, so I know what will happen and what won't happen and what will never happen. This is not the genuine you are searching for is it, Hikigaya-kun?" Her eyes, speckled in a band of gold, spoke volumes.
The monster held her gaze and held her close, "No, it isn't." His eyes grew deader by the second. "I knew it from the very beginning. Realized it the very first time, I felt anywhere close to any kind of affection for you. Like you, I also know what this is and what this isn't and what it can never be."
"Then why do you choose to suffer." The demoness growled, her fingers, tightening around the short hair at the back of his neck, exposing the column of his throat and the underside of his jaw for her tongue to taste, "Why do you keep searching for this genuine elsewhere, when you know its waiting for you back at your precious service club. Just say to them the words, you will never say to me. Just do it. Do it!"
"I love you." I said.
"Yes that! Say it to one of the girls…"
The rest of her words, her tirade, her rant, were swallowed wholly by my lips. Her voice trailed off and she tangled her fingers in my hair and I dipped her, gently back, my hands holding her steady and pulling her closer to me at the same time.
"I love you, Haruno." I repeated, tugging her lips open and exploring her insides, "I love you." I said again. Me. Not the Monster of Logic. Although, he is also fond of Haruno in his own away. It's the same with the Demoness of Deceit and me, I think. She thinks I am interesting and to her it's good enough. I don't know why, but maybe our monsters and demonesses have a better understanding of us then we do of ourselves. It should be a little disconcerting, but it isn't and that is one less thing to worry about.
"…You don't mean it, Hachiman," Haruno is trying to say, but her voice keeps getting chocked. She should really be focusing on kissing me back and nothing else, but I like the sound of her breathy moans and the press of her mouth against mine. The words are mumbled and garbled, but still understandable, especially when they are muttered over my lips, "You are just saying it to make me feel better. But, like I said, you don't have to-"
I silenced her negative thoughts with a kiss. Not letting her speak should be considered rude, but she can bite me in the tongue if she thinks I am annoying her. I am practically shoving my tongue down her throat and by the eagerness of her, I think she doesn't plan on biting me. Well at least not on my tongue, I mean. "I know what you are doing, Hachiman," Haruno tries again, mustering up some remnant annoyance from our past. "Don't think I - Oh God! Mm~"But then she shudders and moans, and all the frigidness leaves her frame and she is left hanging onto my shoulders for balance, "You are tr-ying- Oh God!- t-to distract me by kissing. It won't work. Nmm~" Well, it's a pity her body and mind has different ideas about this. Not that I am complaining. Not at all. I am glad, that she can talk and kiss and make those delicious sounds, all at the same time.
"Of course." I mumble against her lips, kissing her again, this time brushing against her lower lip, and holding onto her face with both my hands. "Who am I to distract the great, Yukinoshita Haruno?"
"No one…" Haruno giggles against my lips and then she places both her hand onto my cheeks and pulls my face close to hers, so close that I know she can see her reflection in my rotten dead fish eyes. "…except the boy she loves." Even then, I know her reflection would be beautiful.
We take a moment, we blush a deeper shade of red but we stand close, our hands wrapped around one another, savouring this moment, picturing it, taking it into our memory, knowing this is just transience. Not everlasting.
"I love you, Haruno." This is the third time I am saying this and this is the third time she is choosing not to believe me. She is looking at me with that sad expression in her eyes and I know for a fact that she has locked her demoness back in its cage as punishment for revealing the truth. There are no more golden flecks spattered around her eyes. She is now just Haruno: the girl, the ideal, the person afraid to love because she knows it won't last.
"You don't have to say it back, Hachiman." Haruno is trying to look at me in the eye while she is saying this, but she is failing miserably. "I am sorry I told you that. I didn't mean to tell you. It was supposed to be a secret. Only for me to know. And no one else." She gives up and hangs her head in shame, "I am sorry, Hachiman. I wish I could take it back, but I can't." This time she gathers her courage and looks me in the eye. "I love you, Hachiman." And this time around, the words are spoken by Haruno, the woman I am coming to love and not the Demoness of Deceit. She knows, how much this means to her, how much this means to me and I am glad she is brave enough to say it. "But, you don't have to love me back." This last sentence keeps bothering me.
"I will say it a thousand times, if I have to Haruno-san," I retort, angrily, "I love you. I love you. I-"
"Okay! Stop! I get it. God you are so~" Whatever I am, guess I will never know, because Haruno is smiling again and it's a goofy smile. It looks strange at first, but then I blink and now I can't picture her without that smile. She makes every smile her own and for the first time, I think, I am liking this about her. Earlier it was an arsenal in her tool kit to manipulate people. But when she smiles, "You look breathtaking when you smile, Haruno-san." There is no need for secrets like these anymore. Now that the truth is out, there should be no place for secrets like these. I also – instead of keeping it to myself like I usually do, I decide to share my thoughts with her. "I love how you blush too Haruno-san." I am really the worst. I know I shouldn't be enjoying this so much, but I can't help it.
"Okay, alright! You had your fun with the lovey-dovey onee-san," Haruno pouts, and then she clears her throat and looks at me with a coy smile on her face, "And I believe you, Hachiman." Oh, she's not getting away that easily, after all the stuff she did earlier.
"Believe what Haruno-san?" I ask playfully, "I think the last kiss seems to have affected my brain function a bit. You have to dumb it down a little, you know. Use smaller, easier words to help me understand and try refraining from using the more complex and difficult words that might confuse this poor love sick loon."
"Careful Hachiman," Haruno said, playfully as well, "I told you before. I think I love your brain more than you, sometimes. If anything happens to your brain, then nothing is happening between us." But then she smiled, "But I have been wrong before. Maybe I love you a little more than your brain now. Be thankful, it isn't the other way around."
"Yeah, I think I read somewhere that a guy stole Einstein's brain and carried it around in a mason jar. I can easily picture you pulling off something like that, Haruno-san." I said good-naturedly.
"And you would still love me?" Ah, so this was going somewhere. I should have known.
"Yes. I would." I replied, looking her in the eye, pressing her closer to my body and kissing her on the lips again.
"Have I told you, how interesting you are, Hachiman," Haruno replied breathily, against my lips.
"Only a thousand times, Haruno-san," I replied smoothly, against her skin. "But tell me more."
"I think, you don't plan on making me talk, Hachiman." Haruno said, softly, her hands gently grasping my shoulders for better balance.
"Only if you spout nonsense like before." I mumble softly, "You didn't believe me when I said I love you. Who does that? Did you think I was lying to you? Better yet, did you think, you wouldn't catch me, if I was lying to you, Haruno-san?" I asked, reverently.
For the first time, Haruno looked confused. The finger she brought up to my lips said everything, "But this isn't genuine." Oh that look. She was hurting, hurting so bad and it was all because of me. "You said so yourself. This thing. With us - me, my, I mean our love! It's-" It broke my heart and I cursed the Monster of Logic for hurting her like this. "-It's not genuine. You said so yourself. Was it a lie, Hachiman?" Haruno always made it a habit to ask the most brutal of questions at the most importune times. It was her way of being sure of the situation.
I wish I could lie. I really could. "No, I didn't lie, Haruno-san." But Haruno deserves better. And maybe I do too. "This isn't genuine. Or at least I don't think it is. Not yet anyway. Perhaps, maybe never. There is no guarantee, no safety net. Only the unknown and it's scary. I am afraid of it sometimes." I take ahold of her hand and squeeze to relieve myself of the worries, "But right now, I am not afraid. I am nervous. I am nervous as hell. But I am not afraid of this, of us, of our love." I give her a small peck on the cheek and look deep into her eyes, trying to fathom their depths. The last few words almost killed me. But I am still breathing, my heart is still breathing and Haruno is still with me. So, I find the courage to speak, speak from the depths of my rotten, shriveled heart and let her know everything.
There was a time, when it didn't matter what I thought, because I thought only about myself. But things change. I changed. I am still Hikigaya Hachiman, but now, what I think matters, because now I don't only think about myself. And so, I needed to tell Haruno what I think. "Haruno," She turned to me and I felt a little bit of my courage deplete. But I had to say this to her. Then it was upto her, "I can't promise you anything. I can't guarantee whether this is genuine or not. But there is one thing I can tell you for sure and it's the absolutely truth." I tilt her face upwards and say the next words against her mouth, "This isn't fake."
"Thank you," Haruno replies back, "I needed to hear it. You don't know how much-"
"I know. Believe me, I know," I mumble across her lips and I really should be focusing on kissing her some more, "I want this to be real too. I want this so much, Haruno."
"Me too." Haruno replies and the rest of her words are swallowed by my lips.
This should be a little awkward, kissing in my private spot in the school ground, where every day I have my lunch all by my lonesome. But it isn't and I am glad. Although, I don't think I will ever be able to eat my lunch over here again. This place, this spot had transformed into something else. It's now the spot where I had my first kiss. Knowing myself, I am sure by rotten brain will lock this moment into some dark corner. It will always be there. Never forgotten. And I am okay with it.
"Maybe, maybe," Like I said before, kissing and holding an intellectual conversation is difficult. But I seem to be getting better at this. Better at both I mean, "Maybe the genuine thing I am searching for isn't meant to be loved."
Haruno touched her swollen lips, but I knew she was listening, "I don't follow."
"Okay, give me a moment," I tried to compose myself. Try being the operative word. It's difficult to focus on philosophy, when your body is more interested in biology and your mind is knee deep in erotic muck, "Okay, um. What I am trying to say is, maybe what I call genuine isn't meant to be loved. It's true to myself, right? It about me. And I was never about love. Well at least not like this, in a romantic sense I mean. Ergo, if the genuine isn't meant to be loved, than love isn't meant to be genuine."
Haruno looked completely confused, "You are saying you can never genuinely fall in love. That's needlessly pessimistic and also kinda dumb."
I furrowed my brows, "'Needlessly pessimistic and kinda dumb'-My life in a nutshell."
Haruno shook her head, "Never change, Hikigaya-kun. No matter what the world tells you." She smiled fondly at me, and here I was questioning myself.
"I don't intend to." I replied, trying to act cool.
"Good," Haruno leaned in close and gave me a small peck on the lips. Before I could deepen the kiss, she pulled back and I could see the expression on her face. It spoke volumes. "Give me your hand, Hachiman."
I raised my hand, palms facing upwards. Meanwhile, Haruno had started digging into her purse, fumbling with the contents and muttering to herself.
"It's like it has a mind of its own." Haruno mumbled, mostly to herself.
"What are you looking for, Haruno-san?" I asked, curiously.
But she didn't need to answer my question. I saw it the very moment she took it out from her purse. Haruno looked at me and gave me a small coy smile. I was starting to love this smile too. I don't know what else I might love about her. But her smiles are the best, "This is a key to my apartment, Hachiman." Haruno said, while she tenderly placed the said object into my open palm. "My parents have one."After she put it there, she neatly took a hold of most of my fingers and made me make a fist around the key. "Yukino-chan has one. And Shizuka-chan has one." The implication was clear. She doesn't go around giving keys to everyone she knows. They have to be special, like her sister, like the only teacher who ever gave a damn about her and now him - the guy she loves.
"I, um," I was at a loss for words. "Thank you. I will up keep it safe."
Haruno giggled and now I could she her regain some of her playfulness, "No, I want you to use it." The heated look she sent me made me blush, "Tonight, Hachiman." Now she is blushing too and it's just wonderfully awkward.
"I understand." I could have used other words, phrased it differently, could have been more clear about this too, and she shouldn't have a problem with this. I wouldn't have a problem with it too, I think. Given the choice, we would never say it out loud. We are both terrified of the word. We just said 'I love you' to one another. And I think it's a bit too soon to say 'I want to have sex with you too'.
"I will see you tonight?" I phrased it like a question, because it really is. The most important question we will ask, now that we know that we love each other. This will be it, I think. This is the 'yes' and 'no' question and I try to tell myself that I am not holding my breath until she answers.
"Yeah, I guess," Haruno blushes. But then she regains some of her previous hauteur "Don't keep me waiting, Hachiman." And there is the woman I know and love.
"Wouldn't dream of it." I tell her.
"Yeah, I know." The teasing tone is back in her voice and I don't mind it at all, because I know this is how she copes, with all the anxiety and tension that will keep plaguing her until I reach her apartment. "You will be dreaming about something else, entirely. Something scandalous I bet, about a certain, sexy onee-san. I wonder who it could be." Haruno continues, tapping her index finger against her chin, in a faux thinking pose.
I decide to play along, "Well, since I have Japanese literature next, I think it will be Hiratsuka-sensei."
Haruno pouts, "You are so mean. Besides, Shizuka-chan is too old to be an onee-san."
I chuckle, "Don't let her hear that."
"I won't." Haruno smiles, beautifully.
We laugh, we make plans, and we say our goodbyes.
In the end, life was never meant to be lived on our own terms. They had been set: preordained, predetermined, doomed. Never waiting, never giving a chance; not even allowing us to catch up. We run. We run after it like the devil is chasing us. But life passes through, slips between our fingers and before we get a chance to catch our breath, the moment is gone. Vanished into thin air: Poof!
I don't want that and neither does she. But we are too afraid to love, to afraid to be selfish. Yet, one of us has to try. Haruno is the braver person and she never ceases to surprise me.
"Hachiman," It was time for her to leave. She has given me the key to her home and if I were romantically inclined, I would say she has given me the key to her heart. Maybe she did. Maybe she didn't. It doesn't matter as much as I though it should.
"Yes, Haruno-san?" The goodbye kiss is bittersweet at best. We haven't done this before. It's like a new ritual of sort. It's new and it will take some time getting used to, but for now, we take what comfort we can, in that farewell hug of ours. I try not to hold her so close to me and fail miserably.
Haruno is talking in a very timid voice. It's slow and barely audible, but I can hear the guilt in her voice, "Can you skip the service club for today?" She asks, and this is the first time I realize, how much she wants this, how much she wants me, and how difficult this could be for her.
"I wasn't planning on going anyways, Haruno-san." And it's true. Any plan I had for visiting the club, were dashed from my brain the moment we kissed. It felt wrong and I know it shouldn't, but it does.
"I-" Haruno was trying to say something. But she doesn't want to. She really doesn't. But then she puts on a brave face and smiles, even though I know she should be crumbling inside "I love you, Hachiman." Haruno is a strong woman and I love her for her strength. It's one of the things which makes her so much more different than her younger sister. I know I shouldn't compare the two, I know it's wrong, but I have the Monster of Logic in me and it poison me with truth.
"I love you too, Haruno-san," If we are to kill ourselves by our own hands, "See you tonight." Then at least, we should get to pick our own poison.
Enough said.
A/N: Hey guys! So good news – I am finally getting email notifications from the site for reviews, follows, faves and Pms, but the view count is still stuck at zero. Well, something is better than nothing. I will keep posting works on this site again (Recently, I had taken a long break and was only posting my old works on Archive of our Own).
Also, I am working on a new project – It's a future dystopian novel (Heavily inspired by Aldous Huxley's 'Brave New World'). I started writing the fic, keeping in mind that I will be posting it at Archive of our Own (Because it's a multi-crossover and I fell in love with the tagging system on the site.)
But don't worry, I will be posting the fic here too.
I am still working on the first chapter, but it looks promising. But I don't know which account to post the fic. I know in Archive of our Own, I will be posting it in my "Alligator Wrestler Hemingway" account. I think I will do the same thing here.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter.
I will be back with the next chapter soon.
Take care.
P.S.: The last chapter of 'Artificially Sound' will have a full blown lemon, so be sure to change the rating. Don't worry, I will tell you guys before I post the lemon.