Present Day

This had been a long month. The last few months really. Ever since Tess had come back. And don't get him wrong, Jay remained over the fucking moon about that but it had still been a lot and every time he thought things were settling down… They didn't. From getting adjusted after her return to everything that had happened with his team, and hers, and Selim. It was a lot. And it wasn't just personal, professionally speaking it'd been a rough few months too. A new partner, new superintendent, a couple cases he'd gotten too invested in, the most recent one a father who'd been working his own son's murder. That was always a sensitive combination for him and even though Voight and Kevin had been supportive and Tess had given them a bit of help Latrell was still on his mind. People said kids were the most amazing gift but he didn't understand anyone could willingly set themselves up for such pain?

Such constant fucking fear?

The more he thought about it Jay was glad that wasn't his life. Glad it wasn't screaming children and a messy house he came home to after a long day, though he couldn't help rolling his eyes when he saw the hyper-masculine and hyper-buff men staring each other down.

"I don't think so." One of them said deeply, holding his ground against the second who took an aggressive step closer.

"Your mistake is thinking you have a goddamn choice, boy!"

Tess turned around just as he kicked off his shoes, grinning as she raised her arms to mimic Vin Diesel. "And your mistake? Thinking you're in America. You're a long way from home. This is Brazil!"

"You have a problem."

She just laughed and paused the movie, because turning the volume down wasn't good enough, she had to watch the whole thing despite having seen it over a dozen times already. "It's been on my mind ever since Miller made that comment."

It took him a moment to remember, he'd had a lot on his mind that day but then he snorted, deciding he wanted a beer before he sat down with her.

"How was shift?"

"Fine." He answered with a quick shrug, thankfully this case didn't seem to be affecting anyone, beyond the usual compassion but he still found himself sinking into Tess when she cuddled into his side, just ever-so-slightly vibrating, no doubt a result of the massive bowl of Cheetos. "That's a combo."

"A delicious one." She said with a grin, popping one in her mouth before she took a sip of her wine.

And then making him do the same.

It wasn't actually gross but he still didn't have anymore, to her amusement.

This was what he needed. Just her and her warmth and her laugh, even if it was Dominic Toretto causing it. To go to sleep with her against him and to wake up the same way, except that wasn't what happened. It was Aelin who woke him in the middle of the night, first a curious chirp and then a sharper one that had him sitting up before he even registered it; he'd felt Tess moving but she always was so he hadn't realized that she'd slipped out of bed and was walking to the bathroom. Except she wasn't walking. She was stumbling. But she was still almost faster than him because he only had a second to catch her before she dropped in front of the toilet, still mid-air when she started throwing up.

Maybe Cheetos and red wine weren't a good combination.

The bright orange vomit was definitely gross but he just crouched behind her to hold her hair while she got it out, muttering a quiet thank you to Aelin when she trotted over with a washcloth before giving the cat a quick second look. Because not only had she known to grab one, it was damp.

This fucking cat.

Violent retching put his attention back on Tess, doing his best to comfort her until she was finally done. Jay already had a joke on the tip of his tongue but as he went from looking at her mouth as he wiped it off up to her eyes it very quickly died. Because something was wrong. Her eyes were glazed over not just with exhaustion and illness but fear and while one hand was gripping his arm, a hold that was not as tight as it should have been the other was clutching her side. Right where she'd been impaled. He could hear the note of panic she shoved down as he lifted her up, his heart wrenching as he watched her try to gather herself. His first horrible thought was that this was how she'd looked when she'd been impaled. His second horrible thought was that this was how she'd looked for the first five to fifteen minutes. The third was a collection of horrifying images of what she might have looked like after nine hours. And yet she was still thinking about him.

"You need pants too. And a shirt." She mumbled when he started putting some on her, the only downside to sleeping naked and he begrudgingly did as she told him, only briefly looking at Aelin before they headed for the elevator.

The drive to the hospital was a blur, his attention more on Tess hurling into a garbage bag rather than the road but they made it there, his next thought the most desperate.

"Will!"

"Jay-"

"I want my brother. Now."

Maggie was ushering them into a bay when Will rushed over and even though he still got the hint of unfair but deep-seeded resentment when he used his doctor voice right now it was the best thing he'd ever heard. "What happened? What- you brought the cat?"

"Yes and she's not going anywhere." He said firmly, sliding one foot under the bed where she crouched. "And I don't know. She was fine and then she started throwing up and grabbing her side."

"Hey Tess? Can you tell me what's wrong?"

No.

She couldn't.

Her head was lolling so much he had to hold it still, squeezing her hand with every slow breath as she fought through the next bout of nausea. The only time he'd seen her like this was when she'd had dengue but this was worse.

"That's where she was impaled. Seven months ago. One-millimeter-thick rebar."

His brother had a shit poker face and Jay felt his stomach drop when his tightened. "Alright, Maggie I need-"

"I got it." He actually relaxed a little when he saw Natalie grab the ultrasound machine, even more when he saw her steady smile. "We're going to take good care of you Tess."

The pain meds Will came around to his side to give her helped too, her whole body going limp as she finally took in a full breath. And as her way let out a storm.

"You would make a good sister-in-law." Tess said with a dopey smile but the sluggish and uncoordinated waving of her hand kept him on edge. "Not that we're married, but you know what I mean. They need to be kept in line and you seem good at it."

"I don't think the drugs work that fast." Will said dryly and Jay just barely caught the shy look he sent his ex-fiancé, and the one she sent back, but he paid close attention to his brother's note of relief when Tess smiled at him.

"Don't need drugs to speak the truth."

"Their stubbornness does seem to be genetic."

She let out another stoned laugh at the other woman's comment, her eyes a different kind of glazed when she looked him and Will over before turning back to Natalie. "Did you meet Pat?"

Fucking hell.

She let out a happy hum when she pressed his head against hers, doing his best to stay out of the way as the doctors looked her over but refusing to leave, not that they tried asking him to. They knew she needed him. On the way here Tess had barely seemed to know what was going on but now that she'd gotten some painkillers her instincts were kicking in, and she'd never liked hospitals, but he was still surprised by his reaction. His eyes were flicking between all three of them so he didn't know who's was first but he saw his brother's face change, then Natalie's and then Tess's and then she… she laughed. A short, shocked and broken laugh that embedded itself in his brain.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Jay, maybe you and I should-"

He shrugged Will's hand off his shoulder roughly, drawing himself up until his brother was forced to take a step back. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Jay-"

"He can stay." Tess breathed, the quiet, shaky breaths when she was trying to hold herself together. But she didn't look to him. "It's what I think it is, isn't it?"

Natalie just nodded slowly, a sadness in her face he didn't understand. "No one told you what to expect?"

"They said it would happen less often, and that it would be more painful but…" Tess trailed off but even though he grabbed her hand tighter Jay didn't think she could feel it. "I didn't think…"

"What? What are you talking about, what is going on?"

He looked at Will and Natalie but they didn't answer and when he looked at Tess…

God the look she gave him.

Tired, sick, scared.

Shamed.

"It's my period." She said quietly and he believed her.

He just couldn't accept it.

"No. Look again."

"Jay-"

"No!" He shouted, so much he startled Aelin who jumped into Tess's lap and started swiping at the doctors until they backed up.

Tess had told him what her doctors had said after she'd gotten impaled but that… this…

This wasn't right.

"I know what her period looks like and this is not it, so you look again." He said firmly, that resentment flaring into disgust at the identical looks Will and Natalie gave him.

"Jay-"

"I know this is scary-"

"Give us a minute." Tess said hoarsely and Jay didn't bother to watch them go, instead gathered her as close as he could get her, loving the way her hands cupped his neck and hating that she was trying to comfort him.

That was his job.

"It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. I'm going to fix-"

Fuck.

He had to take a breath before he could continue, inhaling the vanilla and blocking out the antiseptic. "I am going to make this okay."

"Not everything broken can be fixed." She said quietly, trying to smile at him, to make something okay that wasn't.

"You are not broken."

She nodded but her face twisted, her eyes still locked on his as if they couldn't bear to look away, the flood of tears she'd been holding back bursting free as her head started shaking. "This part of me is."

He couldn't say anything to that.

Because something inside her was broken, a part of her that by virtue she had an innately complicated relationship with and one that he would never understand. One that she also had an incredibly difficult history with and even though he'd shared that pain… he hadn't born it. When Tess told him where the rebar had pierced her, what it had pierced Jay had cursed God, silently in her presence but it had been a rage strong enough to send him back to church, thirty minutes railing at Father McCloskey until he'd finally left, calmer but no more understanding. Or accepting. It was bullshit but he knew part of her felt like a failure for what they'd lost, how the fuck was it fair that this could be done to her too?

It wasn't.

It was cruel.

And all he could do was pull her closer and hold her as she cried, taking as much of her pain as he could. As much as she would let him. So when Tess leant back however much later it didn't feel like long enough but he didn't think anything would; not unless he could wrap her up and take them somewhere no one would or could ever bother them again. But such a place didn't exist so instead he begrudgingly let her go, doing his best to hide the sadness and frustration that rose when he watched her take a slow breath before shooting him a strained smile.

It was real but it was also sad and he wished she didn't feel the need to put one on.

"Okay, you go talk to Will-"

"I am not-"

"While I discuss periods with Natalie." She said firmly but it was the soft look she shot him that had him standing down.

If he could have taken this pain for her he could.

He just couldn't.

"I'll be five steps away."

Her smile was brighter this time, her hand still weak as she laid it on his cheek but the brushes of her thumb were steady. "I know."

Jay gave her and himself one more kiss before he took exactly five steps, just enough to take him out of her room and off to the side of the doors, immediately spotting Natalie and Will who were waiting, talking in hushed whispers just a few feet away. He did his best to give the former an appreciative smile as she slipped into Tess's room but by the look on his brother's face it probably came out more like a grimace.

"I'm sorry Jay." Will said quietly, unintentionally making him feel like an ass when he hesitated before gingerly resting his hand on his shoulder. "I know… I wasn't there for you, what you two went through before. I can't imagine… I'm just really sorry."

He nodded slowly, his throat too thick to speak but hoping Will felt his appreciation. "We'll have pain medication ready when you take her home. And I'll come by to check on her tomorrow, every day until…"

Until her body was done torturing her.

"Thank you." He finally croaked out, reaching up to pat his brother's hand, who squeezed before letting it fall; it wasn't that he didn't want his comfort, he just couldn't take it right now.

He had to be focused, in control and he wouldn't be if he allowed himself to get lost in his rage and grief.

But he couldn't be blind to reality either.

"Is there anything you can do?"

He knew by his brother's sigh there was one, he wouldn't like it.

"You know how scar tissue works." He said slowly, cautiously but when Jay gave him a look he nodded and continued. "The pain she's feeling will get worse over time and we have no way of knowing when she'll get them. The only option would be to remove one or both of the organs."

"A hysterectomy."

"Yes."

He saw his brother put his hand on his shoulder again but this time he couldn't feel it, too locked in his head. She would never do it. Maybe not never but not now, not for a long time. And maybe not ever.

"I can talk to her-"

"Don't. She's not… just don't. I'll do it."

"I'm really sorry Jay." Will said quietly and when he gently pulled him closer Jay went, letting himself bury his head in his brother's shoulder for as long as it took him to blink back his tears. "You feel like not distracting the nurses now?"

It wasn't until he nodded to his hoodie that he realized it was open, baring his chest to the whole of the E.D and with a shake of his head and roll of his eyes he quickly zipped it up. It was three o'clock in the morning so it wasn't like it was busy and he really didn't think anyone would be paying attention to him.

If someone was here they had bigger things to worry about.

The quiet whoosh of the door beside him caught his attention and he turned to see Natalie, immediately relaxing at her reassuring smile. "She's okay. I'm going to check on her medication."

"Thanks Nat."

"Anytime." She said with a soft smile and he made sure to give his brother a different kind of look before he slipped in behind her.

Fuck Tess looked tired.

Again he couldn't help wondering how close this was to when she'd actually been impaled but he quickly pushed the thoughts away and put his arms back around her. "They're going to get you some-"

"I know."

"I guess now we know where the Cheetos and red wine came from." He joked but her smile didn't last, her lips instead slowly wobbling. "Are you okay?"

"I want to go home." She whispered, too fucking close to a whimper and he quickly pushed himself closer.

"As soon as they have the meds. We'll go home and we'll get through this, okay? You and me."

Except Tess didn't want his help.

That wasn't entirely true, he could see how much she was relying on him, a stark difference from a few months ago, she just wanted it on her terms. And he understood that but what he didn't like was why she didn't want him around.

"I'll take the pain meds- you saw how fast they worked." She said guiltily when he finally tucked her back in bed, her fingers gripping his tightly. "I can barely feel anything."

That definitely wasn't true.

On both counts.

Will hadn't given her that much, he'd seen her wincing on the drive back and even if he had she would want to know what she was dealing with before she took anymore.

So strong and so stubborn.

"I swear I'm not trying to push you away but you're in the middle of a case and you've already taken so much time off for me, I don't want you to take anymore. Not- not for this."

He quickly laid down with her as she started crying, pulling her close and running his hand down her hair. He didn't want to let her go, not in the fucking slightest but what choice did he have? If he stayed he hurt her, if he left he hurt.

Better him than her.