Six Years Ago

"Hey you."

Tess tried to return Lydia's smile but she didn't think she did a good job, not that her aunt cared. She just sat in one of the deck chairs next to her, joining her in watching the sun slowly creep over the backyard. She had a beautiful one. A blooming garden, a water fountain and bird and squirrel feeders, tall walls for privacy, which were covered in vines she refused to cut down no matter how many times Jay told her they were bad for the stone.

"Did you really think he'd do anything else?"

"He doesn't have to do anything." She cried, letting out another frustrated noise at how little in control she felt.

If you're doing this you're doing it for yourself, not for me and that's fine but at least have the balls to say so.

She was such a bitch.

She wasn't trying to be but when she'd woken to find Jay slipping out of her room this morning she'd panicked, afraid that he really was angry with her and when he'd told her he was going to request time off work she'd panicked even more. She didn't want him to think that she needed to babysat, to be coddled. She just… She just needed him here.

Which was exactly what he was trying to do.

And she'd made him feel bad for it.

"That's not the way he's wired. That's not the way any of us are." Lydia said quietly, arching her brow when she looked back at her. "It's certainly not the way you are."

That was true.

Granted their situations were always going to be a little different but if Jay was the one who'd been hurt she would sit on him rather than let him push her away.

"I know, I just… I don't know how to process this."

"I know babe. But neither does he. You need to get through this together. The same way you do everything."

That was the only thing keeping her sane.

She and Jay were who they were, on their own and with each other. They had been from the very beginning and they'd stayed that way through all the distance and disappointments, tears and fears, bruises and burnouts- they'd always stayed true to themselves and to each other, they were practically one in the same but… those things had changed them too. Made them grow in ways they may not have wanted but which had always brought them closer. This would be the same, she just… She wished this wasn't something they had to deal with at all.

"I'm really sorry Tess."

"I know you are." She whispered, worming one hand out of the blanket she had wrapped tightly around herself to take her aunts. "Thank you for being here for me. For us."

"Always. You can always come to me and honestly if you don't I'm going to be pissed."

Tess couldn't help but laugh and with one last squeeze Lydia stood, pressing a quick but firm kiss to her head before she went back inside. She expected Mouse to come out next until she remembered he'd gone to his and Jay's apartment to pick up some things, the two unanimously having decided they were going to stay here for the next few days. Again she didn't like things being decided for her but it wasn't like they were wrong about what she wanted. She thought about following her aunt inside, making herself some tea or curling back up in bed but instead she stayed where she was, watching the morning dew slowly dissipate as the sky grew lighter, thinking about how she'd gotten to this point in her life.

Where else she might have gone, how else things might be.

They weren't bad pictures, most of them looked great and there was a part of her that longed for them, for a life that was simpler, less full of heartache. Of figurative and literal torture. But as pretty as they were they all felt hollow.

Because none of them had Jay.

Enough time had passed that the next time the door opened she knew it would be him and sure enough he quietly stepped out, looking at her like he wasn't sure if she would shout at him again. Such a bitch. But not him. No, Jay was… he was everything. He was hers. She knew because the second she leant forward he climbed in behind her, pulling her so close she felt like she would sink into him.

If only.

"We're going to get through this. You and me."

"I know."

"I love you." He said hoarsely, her heart aching when he squeezed her tightly, like he was afraid she might not believe him.

"I know. I love you too."

His slow inhale filled her lungs, the first moment of peace she'd found in the last forty-eight hours.

She'd gone longer without it, and she would again, but right now she didn't have to.

Jay had her.

This wasn't happening.

This could not be happening.

She took another shaky breath that was not at all calming and tried again to reach it, hunched forward like a fucking cavewoman and for a second her fingers brushed against the little nub but then it slipped away again and she had to hold back another frustrated scream. This couldn't be happening. This was not happening. Except it was because Tess tried two more times and still couldn't get it, for the fourth time today and the sixth time in the last twenty-four hours. What the fuck was she supposed to do now? If they were still at Lydia's she'd get her aunt to help her, it would be awkward as fuck but she was at the point where she didn't care but not only had they come back to Jay's two days ago Lydia had a work function tonight, one she'd practically had to beg her to go to. She was not going to drag her out of it so her aunt could pull a fucking period cup out of her.

If only Vivienne was here. She'd get on her knees in a heartbeat and would spend the whole time making her laugh. But her friend was somewhere in Kazakhstan and of no help to her here. All she had was Jay and Mouse and she would rather fucking die than ask one of them for help.

But they weren't going to let her stay in here forever.

"Hey Tess?" Mouse said quietly from outside the door, making her freeze like a deer in headlights. "I don't want to bug you but I gotta pee."

"In a minute!" She called out, waiting until she heard him walk away before she let out a few more gasping breaths, shaking her head when every time she wiped her cheeks there were fresh tears on them.

She kept trying to get it but she couldn't even find it now, like her vagina was some fucking magicians hat that could just make things disappear. A panicked laugh slipped out and she had to clap her hands over her mouth to stifle it, then a sob when she remembered she'd just had her fingers inside her.

This could not be happening.

"Look Tess I gotta-"

"Piss in a fucking cup!" She screamed, no longer able to hold herself together.

It was awful enough she'd had something taken out of her, now she had something stuck in her?

What Greek fucking god had she pissed off?

"Tess?"

Great.

Fucking great.

"Tess, unlock the door." Jay said gently but right now all his soft tone did was make her cry even more.

"No."

"Tess-"

"No! Go away!"

"Tess, please open the door."

No.

He could use his stern voice all he liked, she wasn't going to let him in. She could not let him see her like this. She couldn't-

"Don't you fucking dare!" She shouted, following the sudden but she was sure accurate feeling that he was about to shoulder the door open.

His silence told her she was right and she had to grab one of the hand towels to at least muffle her tears, all the training that was supposed to keep her calm in situations like this out the window.

Who the fuck could train for this?!

The next thing she knew the door was flung open and Jay was catching the toilet roll she instinctively threw at him, kicking it shut before he caught her moisturizer. He grabbed her when she went to throw something else, those big fucking hands taking both of hers in just one of his while the other grabbed her chin, forcing her to look in those stupid steely, mossy eyes. "Tell me what is wrong."

"Get out! Get out-"

"We're past that." He said sternly, tilting her head up when she tried to lower it. "I love you and I know that you are capable of amazing things but right now you need to let me help you."

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

This was totally happening.

"I can't get it out."

"…Get what out?"

"My cup."

For a second he looked completely confused but thank fuck just for a second. Then his shoulders dropped with relief, letting go of her face to hold both her hands as he sat back on his heels. "Okay. That… has got to be uncomfortable but you just gotta calm down and then- what?"

"This isn't the first time I tried to get it out. I've been trying since yesterday."

"What? Tess that's not- you can't do that, you're going to get the toxic- the shock thingy!"

"How do you even know about that?"

"I research things!" Jay said loudly, staring at her so indignantly she couldn't help but laugh.

This was so fucked up.

With a sigh he took her face again, a lot more tender as he rested his forehead against hers. "I know you're scared but it's going to be okay. I'm going to take it out-"

"The fuck you are!"

"Tess-"

"No. Absolutely not."

"Either I do it, Greg does it or I'm throwing you over my shoulder and taking you to the hospital. Your choice." He said firmly, his gaze so full of steel her body ached like she'd ran face first into some.

But she was the person he bent for.

"Look I'll- I'll calm down and I'll try again in an hour-"

"No."

"Jay, you are not getting it, okay? It's gross, it's-"

"It's what?" He challenged, daring her to say what she'd been about to.

That it was dirty.

Fuck this man.

Before Tess had met him… she'd loved herself, as best she could, as best as she knew but Jay had taught her a different form of intimacy, not just with someone else but with herself. And it wasn't like he hadn't dealt with her period before. That first time he'd been so fucking sweet, eager to learn about what she had to deal with, how he could help and he'd been exactly the same every time since, rubbing her back, getting her heating pads, feeding her cravings and indulging her hormones.

This was so happening.

"Tess I've seen people blown up. This isn't even real blood." He said softly, wrinkling his nose like he was offended she didn't want his help. "Plus, I know my way around in there."

Another startled laugh burst out and he pulled her back into him, gently pushing her chin up until his lips brushed against hers; she inhaled automatically and he did it again, breath out, kiss, breath in, kiss, until finally she was steady.

Mostly.

"I am not grossed out. I am not weirded out. I want to do this, okay? Let me help. Please." She answered by just dropping her head against his shoulder, letting her eyes fall shut when he pushed her hair back and pressed a kiss to her temple. "Is there… anything I need to know?"

"When you feel the base, pinch it to break the seal. Then slowly pull it down until it pops out. But keep your hand angled towards the toilet."

"Got it."

She kept her eyes closed, soothed by the little pecks he left against her temple but nothing could stop the mortification she felt when his fingers slipped inside her, the exact opposite to how she was used to feeling. Another reason to make the next time they had sex even more awkward. But then she felt him grab it, with his stupid long fingers and he gently wiggled it down, pausing for a second before he gave a quick tug and pulled it out.

Finally.

"There's not even much in here."

"Don't look at it!" Tess scrambled to grab it but her hands went to her forehead when he flicked it, not hard but not exactly soft either, watching numbly as he gave it and his hands a quick wash before he knelt back in front of her.

"See? Easy. Don't you wish you'd called me in sooner?"

"No."

Jay huffed a laugh but it was sad, and so were his eyes, more than she'd realized now the fear and determination were gone. "Please don't ever put yourself through something like that again. I don't care how embarrassing it is, if I can help you then I want to. Okay?"

"Can I promise to get you after I've tried myself?"

He let out a heavy sigh that she felt in her soul before he slowly nodded. "Three tries?"

"Okay."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry I scared you." She said quietly, a slow but heavy wave of guilt creeping up on her now that the panic had receded.

She really hadn't meant to, or to make him feel like she didn't want his help, for this or anything else she just… She was just really fucking stubborn sometimes. Usually to her own detriment.

And his.

"I don't like how much I hurt you. And don't say I didn't. I hurt you when I went to Lydia's first, when I didn't want you to take time off and now again tonight. And those aren't even the first times. I'm not trying to, I swear I'm never trying to, I just-"

"I know who you are Tess. I love who you are. Don't ever apologize for it."

"You're the best person ever, you know that?"

"Oh yeah." He said with a wink, gently tugging her pants up, because they were still around her ankles for fucks sake before he pulled her with him as he stood. "You want to order take out and get high and watch a movie?"

"Yes please."

"You got it." With another quick but tender kiss he lifted her up, both of them freezing when they saw Mouse sitting on the couch looking decidedly grumpy.

Oh.

"I'm sorry."

Greg nodded, looking her over with an emotion she couldn't quite place. "You want Thai?"

"You can pick."

Again he just nodded, looking between her and Jay before he brusquely waved his friend off when he set her down and went to call himself. She was really going to have to make this up to him. And to Jay. He called her a tempest, an ocean, but what he didn't realize, and she didn't appreciate, was that he was the earth. Jay was her rock, not just something safe she could rest against when tired but a shield that would always protect her.