Six Years Ago

"Hey Sarge, you got-"

"No."

"Sarge-"

"Do I look like I have a minute Halstead?" Richards snapped, waving one large hand at his stack of paperwork, the two ringing phones and line of people, civilians and officers waiting to make complaints. "Get to the locker room, get changed and get on shift."

"I can't. Sir."

The older man's brows shot up and Jay was already bracing himself for the lashing but his mouth had only just opened before it snapped shut, his eyes narrowing as he looked him over. Richards was a hard ass but he was fair, and he knew him. Knew he wasn't the kind of man who refused an order easily, or often.

Or ever.

That he was showed the situation was serious so with a grunt the Desk Sergeant waved over a group of uniforms to man his station before motioning him into the back. "Would you like to explain what's got your panties in a twist?"

"I need a few days off." He said tightly, the best he could manage when his already roiling anger spiked.

He was on the edge right now but as ready as he was for a fight this wasn't it.

"Pretty short notice Halstead."

"Overtime is gold, you know it'll be snapped up." Richards brows rose again, he may be giving him some leeway but he wasn't a man who tolerated disrespect, in any form. "It can be furlough, sick time, family leave, unpaid- whatever you want, I just need a few days off."

"For what?"

"Sir-"

"You want me to approve last minute leave, I want a reason."

"My girlfriend-"

"I am not giving you time off for a girl-"

"Don't."

For a long minute the two men just stared at each other, Jay hard and his Sergeant shocked. Which was fair. He'd probably never heard him speak in that tone before, definitely not to him. If he could have he would've walked right out but that wasn't an option. Tess already didn't want him doing this, he prayed more out of a desire not to make this a bigger deal than a discomfort at having him around but if he came back without a job to go back to that might not be the case.

"She was- She had to have-"

Fuck him.

It was still hard enough to think it to himself, it hadn't even been a day, how could he share something so personal with someone she didn't even know?

But he didn't have to.

Richards straightened and when he looked back at him Jay saw the understanding. The sympathy. He hated it but if it got him back to her he would take it.

"Five days."

"Thank you. Sir."

"Take care of her."

"I will."

"And yourself."

If you're doing this you're doing it for yourself, not for me and that's fine but at least have the balls to say so.

Jay nodded and made a quick exit, as torn as he headed back to the brownstone as he'd been when he'd left it. Tess had said she didn't need him with her constantly and it wasn't that he thought that wasn't true, it was just… he needed that. He needed to be with her, to at least feel like he was doing something. But once he got there he just sat in his car, watching the house and the slowly lightening sky. He'd left early, tried to sneak out hoping he'd be back before she woke, which obviously hadn't worked, and now he was scared to go back in.

How was he supposed to comfort a pain he'd never be able to understand?

How were they supposed to grieve something they'd never really had?

The only thing he did know was that sitting here wasn't doing anything for her so with a heavy sigh he trudged up the steps and slipped inside, sharing a sad smile with Lydia when he saw her on the couch. Right where Tess had been last night.

"She's on the deck." She said quietly but she made her way to him, her hand warm as she cupped his cheek. "She's not always good at letting herself be loved, so if she doesn't say it, thank you."

His throat was too thick so he just pulled her into a hug, giving himself a minute to hide in her before he went to find his girl. She was curled up in a blanket, just staring at the yard and she sat up as soon as she heard him come out, looking him over before her shoulders fell and she scooted forward. With another long breath he climbed behind her, slipping his hands inside the blanket so he could feel her arms as he wrapped his around her.

"We're going to get through this. You and me."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know." She whispered, pushing further into him. "I love you too."

"Hey Tess? I don't want to bug you but I gotta pee."

"In a minute!"

Jay winced at her teary shout, clenching his fists to keep himself seated. She'd been in the bathroom for ten minutes now, not uncommon but nothing was normal right now.

Not a damn thing.

"What is she doing in there?"

"I don't know. Don't ask."

Greg just shot him an annoyed look, more than he expected but he had been waiting a while. And they waited a while longer. Eight minutes and forty-seven seconds until Mouse literally started dancing where he stood, eight minutes and fifty-three seconds until he made his way back down the hall.

"Look Tess I gotta-"

"Piss in a fucking cup!"

Just like that Jay was on his feet, that wasn't just tears in her voice that was panic, a primal fear that tore right through him. But he couldn't let her see that. Either she would give into it and they'd fight, something he wasn't willing to do, or she would bury it to make him feel better, something else he didn't find acceptable.

So he just knocked quietly on the door. "Tess?"

All he heard was a small groan, not of pain or he might've kicked the door down but the noise she made when she knew he was about to find out what was bothering her. He hated that he knew what that sound meant, but he also loved it.

She knew she could only fight him for so long.

Didn't mean she wouldn't try for as long as she could though.

"Tess, unlock the door."

"No." He heard her mumble petulantly and had to hold back a sigh.

"Tess-"

"No! Go away!" She shouted, her anger undermined by her teary hiccup.

"Tess, please open the door."

Silence.

Fucking-

Jay took another slow breath, resting his head, and his hands, against the wood. Lydia had told him to be careful about giving her space, something he took seriously because he already knew how deeply Tess valued her independence, still had nightmares about what she would do to keep it. Two very vivid ones. But she hadn't told him to give her space, or not to. She'd told him to be careful about it.

And he was done tiptoeing around this.

"Don't you fucking dare!"

He froze a second before his shoulder would've hit the door, glaring like he could burn a hole through it, though he cooled pretty quickly when Greg stormed over and passed him… a knife?

A butter knife.

Jay didn't know if he was dumb or his friend was a genius but once he motioned to the door, to the lock the knife would perfectly fit into he gave him a grateful nod, opening the door and then quickly tossing it back so he could catch the toilet paper flung at his head. And the bottle of moisturizer. He'd seen Tess cry before so he was prepared for that but what really scared him was that her pants and underwear were down.

He quickly grabbed her hands before she could throw something else at him, sending up a silent prayer that he didn't look as terrified as he felt. "Tell me what is wrong."

Tess just shook her head, the tears streaming down her cheeks making his heart ache. "Get out! Get out-"

"We're past that."

That made her suck in a big breath, not at all steady but it got her to pause for a second, long enough for her lower lip to start trembling, the way it did when she knew she couldn't fight him anymore.

He hated that she was.

He understood why, or he was trying to. To make peace with something you couldn't control, make sense of something that didn't have a reason… It was driving him insane too and it wasn't his body.

"I love you and I know that you are capable of amazing things but right now you are scared and you need to let me help you."

Out came the breath before her tired eyes slowly found his. "I can't get it out."

"…Get what out?"

"My cup."

Her cup?

Her-

Oh.

Her cup.

"Okay. That… has got to be uncomfortable but you just gotta calm down and then-" Her head started shaking again, this time with her guilty look. "What?"

"This isn't the first time I tried to get it out. I've been trying since yesterday."

What?

"Tess that's not- you can't do that, you're going to get the toxic- the shock thingy!"

"How do you even know about that?"

"I research things!"

A short laugh turned sob burst out of her and he quickly took her face, brushing away as many of those tears as he could. "I know you're scared but it's going to be okay. I'm going to take it out-"

"The fuck you are!"

"Tess-"

"No." She said firmly, from guilty and weepy to absolutely adamant in a fucking second. His god damn girl. "Absolutely not."

"Either I do it, Greg does it or I'm throwing you over my shoulder and taking you to the hospital. Your choice."

That got her to stop, and the voice he knew was getting rougher but he couldn't help it. He was glad it didn't look like it but Jay was really struggling to keep it together right now.

So was Tess.

"Look I'll- I'll calm down and I'll try again in an hour-"

"No."

"Jay, you are not getting it, okay? It's gross, it's-"

"It's what?"

She glared, less fierce with her eyes full of tears but she didn't say it. That it was dirty.

His god damn girl.

In so many ways Tess was so mature, sophisticated, confident; with her work, her beliefs, her brain. But not her body. She was a lot better than she had been, as much as he sometimes missed the girlishness she used to have he relished sultry woman she'd become but he still caught her poking her stomach. Blushing when they cleaned up after sex or keeping her period underwear separate from the rest of the laundry.

Like that was the worst thing he could see.

"Tess I've seen people blown up. This isn't even real blood. Plus, I know my way around in there." She let out another sad laugh and before he knew it Jay found himself brushing his lips against hers, over and over until she slowly calmed. "I am not grossed out. I am not weirded out. I want to do this, okay? Let me help. Please."

Four breaths later her head dropped against his shoulder and he finally started to relax.

Kinda.

"Is there… anything I need to know?"

She made another disgruntled noise and he had to strain to hear her. "When you feel the base, pinch it to break the seal. Then slowly pull it down until it pops out. But keep your hand angled towards the toilet."

Pinch the base, break the seal, tug it down. Gently.

Got it.

With a silent breath to steady himself, and a quick kiss to steady her he went to grab it, surprised at just how far up it was. No wonder she hadn't been able to reach it with her tiny fingers. He did as instructed, hesitating when he had to actually pull it out, he couldn't believe she had to do this every month, multiple times a month, and that reminder of how normal it was for her had him popping it out. He wouldn't say he wanted this to happen again but he'd be damned if she thought he couldn't do it. What he couldn't help was peeking inside, surprised again at the tiny amount of dark brown blood.

Or… uterine lining.

"There's not even much in here."

"Don't look at it!" Tess shrieked but he just swatted her away when she tried to grab it, giving it a quick wash in the sink before he crouched back in front of her.

He felt better now the main issue was resolved but there was still so much wrong it was a struggle to keep his head up, so he focused on lifting hers. "See? Easy. Don't you wish you'd called me in sooner?"

"No."

That was fair, but it still hurt.

"Please don't ever put yourself through something like that again. I don't care how embarrassing it is, if I can help you then I want to. Okay?"

Her mouth twisted with another guilty look. "Can I promise to get you after I've tried myself?"

His independent girl.

"Three tries?"

"Okay."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry I scared you." She sniffled as she absentmindedly toyed with the hem of his shirt. "I don't like how much I hurt you. And don't say I didn't."

He'd been about to but he stopped, his heart feeling like it cleaved in two when her eyes dropped, like a blanket of sadness settled over her.

"I hurt you when I went to Lydia's first, when I didn't want you to take time off and now again tonight. And those aren't even the first times." Tess let out a heavy sigh, shaking her head as fresh tears slipped down her cheeks. "I'm not trying to, I swear I'm never trying to, I just-"

"I know who you are Tess. I love who you are. Don't ever apologize for it."

"You're the best person ever, you know that?"

"Oh yeah." Finally there was genuine happiness in her laugh and he helped her up, his own panic at last starting to settle now he knew she was okay. "You want to order take out and get high and watch a movie?"

"Yes please."

"You got it."

She nuzzled into him when he picked her up, this was normal, but froze again when they saw Greg on the couch looking very unimpressed.

"I'm sorry." She said guiltily but his friends' face didn't soften as much as he'd expected.

"You want Thai?"

"You can pick." Tess offered but Greg just nodded, standing and waving him off as he headed for the kitchen to put their order in himself.

Jay knew peeing in a cup wasn't fun but he couldn't actually be angry at her. But he was something. Something he couldn't think about right now, not when he was straining to feel the peace that always came with their closeness when he tucked Tess into his side, but it wasn't there. How could it be? She wasn't okay. He wasn't okay.

And he had no idea how to make them be.