"This is a bad idea."

Tess paused with one foot above her boot and gave him an attempt at a teasing smile. "When has that ever stopped us?"

Not often enough, a lesson they should have learned by now but he didn't say that. "You should let me go alone."

"I think that's an even worse idea." She said immediately and even though Jay knew she was probably, alright definitely right that didn't make this any easier.

Fuck his aunt.

Tess didn't understand how he felt about his family, she tried to but because she'd had such a different relationship with her own his unwillingness to spend time with them just didn't make sense to her. And it wasn't that he didn't get where she was coming from, they'd already lost his mom and it wasn't that he liked that he and Will barely spoke anymore but the Halstead's were not good at communicating. Or admitting when they were wrong. Or just any kind of vulnerability. At least with his dad they'd come to a way of dealing with each other, which was exchanging as few words as possible as infrequently as possible but his aunt… Carol was like Lydia. And Tess for that matter. A force of nature. And he loved her, he really did, not just because she was his blood but because she was hilarious and inappropriate and had never hesitated to get dirty with him and Will. Plus she pissed his father off to no end. But unlike the Danvers women she either didn't know or didn't ever care to back down and most of the time that was fine.

Most of the time. But when his patience was already thin putting them together was like throwing a match as gasoline.

There was bound to be an explosion.

"Do you… not want me around them?" Tess asked as she slowly put her foot down.

Outside of the boot which somehow made his feel both better and worse.

"I don't want them anywhere near you! Carol's going to say something and then I'm going to say something and it's going to turn into a shit show!"

"Why don't we just tell them then?"

"Tell them what?"

"The truth." She said cautiously, and if he'd been paying attention he would have noticed the carefully blank look on her face but unfortunately he was too stuck in his head.

"No. Why would we?"

"Because they're your family?"

"So? They're not this family, this- this is between you and me."

"Lydia knows. And Mouse. Do you not want them to know?"

"Of course not! Cause Carol's going to put her foot in her mouth and I'm going to say something and then my dad's going to get pissed and it's going to turn into a whole thing. Why would you want that?"

She made a face that made it clear she didn't, but of course that didn't mean she was going to let it go. "So… they'll just never know?"

"I mean, I guess ideally yeah. Why-" Jay couldn't say what but something finally made him see Tess, not just the calm look on her face or her steady breaths but the way she played with her fingers and the sadness in her eyes. The worry.

And not just for him, but for herself.

"Hey, I don't want them to know because I don't want to deal with telling them, not because I have a problem with it. You know that right?"

"Yea-"

"Tess."

She held his stare but it was clear she was forcing herself to, something that tore at his already beat up heart. And then she made him feel even worse. "I know that, it's just… I don't want to talk about it either but I also don't want to have to hide it."

Fuck him.

He quickly made his way over to her, pulling her as close as he could while still being able to look at her. "That is not what I want. I'm sorry. I was thinking about myself-"

"I want you to think about yourself."

Of course she did.

"How about you think about me and I think about you and we get through this together."

"Deal."

He gave her a couple quick kisses and then pulled her in for a tight hug, breathing her in to try and calm himself down. It wasn't that he didn't want his family to know, he just didn't want to have to deal with the process of telling them, but the last thing he wanted was to make Tess feel like he was ashamed of her. He was trying so hard to support her and even though they hadn't talked a lot about the baby she had told him that she appreciated everything he was doing, it just… It didn't feel like enough.

Nothing did.

But he was trying and that was the point. So he plastered on a smile when his aunt greeted them and shared a nod with his father; Carol always insisted on having get togethers at their place on the grounds that it was bigger when really everyone knew it was because she just liked to annoy his dad. And even though they all knew she'd invited them over because she'd found out, somehow, that Tess hadn't left on her next assignment it took her a full thirty minutes after they started eating to finally bring it up.

"I'm so glad you two were able to come tonight."

"There it is." He muttered, giving Tess as much of an apologetic look as he could muster when she gripped his knee.

You think of me and I'll think of you.

For her. He could do this for her.

"There what is, dear nephew?"

But fuck his aunt had an ingratiating smile. "You couldn't have just asked why she was back? You had to make a production out of it?"

"Watch it." His dad said roughly, forcing him to bite his tongue.

For Tess.

He was doing this for Tess.

"Well I was hoping the two of you would tell us yourselves but you didn't. I thought you were going on another assignment a week ago?"

"I was supposed to but… I wasn't able to." She said haltingly and this time he was the one grabbing her, slipping his fingers between hers as an anchor.

"Is everything okay?"

Her mouth opened but nothing came out, to the point where he was about to say it, or tell Carol to shove it but then-

"I had an abortion."

I was pregnant.

Jay didn't understand why she was saying it differently now, he knew they needed to talk about what had happened more than they had but it was clear she wasn't ready and honestly he wasn't either. It had been two weeks but he was still processing that she'd gotten pregnant at all never mind that she had lost it. Or, as her words reminded him, that it had been taken from them. It hadn't even been meant for them, he'd spent hours looking up ectopic pregnancies, the reasons behind them and the risks associated with them and had been thanking God every day for the past fifteen days that her doctors had caught it when they had.

Losing the possibility of a child was painful but nothing compared to the thought of losing her.

"I found out I was pregnant but it was ectopic so… we've just been dealing with that."

Tess brought him out of his head and back to the table, torn between looking at her, his aunt who'd immediately grabbed her hand and his dad who was looking between them, quiet as always but his eyes full of a grief deeper than he'd expected.

"I am so sorry Theresa."

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry for both of you." Carol stressed, bringing his attention to her, giving her a grateful and remorseful nod before he watched her turn back to Tess. "If you'd like… I know you aren't religious but maybe after dinner we could all go to the church and light a candle? I find it very soothing."

He found that to be a bad idea.

Saying Tess wasn't religious was an understatement- she'd recently decided she wasn't just an atheist anymore but an antitheist, someone who believed that religions were not just inherently wrong but actually poisonous to society and basic human integrity. Jay didn't know how much he agreed with her but he couldn't disagree with the points she made, which was why he was surprised when she slowly nodded.

"I would like to try that."

Oh boy.

He made sure to check with her after they were done eating that she really didn't mind going and she assured him that she didn't, though he was pretty sure she was doing that more for his family's sake than her own. And probably his too, he never called himself a Catholic but he wasn't ready to say he didn't believe either and Tess knew. So they went to church. And Jay did feel a little better when they walked inside, he'd been coming here since before he could remember but he still tensed up when Carol led Tess away, over to the front where the candles were set up. He and his dad went to the ones across the way, enough to give them space but close enough that he could keep an eye on her.

"You know your mother-"

He looked over at his father who was staunchly staring at the flames in front of him, his jaw working as he tried to force out whatever it was he wanted to say, which was the only reason he stayed quiet. That and because he'd mentioned his mom.

Five years later the ache of missing her had dulled but the hole was just as deep.

"Your mother loved you boys, no doubt about it but she- she always wanted a daughter. When you were about two she got pregnant again and she was sure it was going to be a girl." There was something about the way his dad's head shook that told him this story wasn't going to have a happy ending, why else would he be sharing it, but he still wanted to hear it and found himself taking a slow step closer. "And it was but she- she had a miscarriage. Around five months. We never tried again."

He hadn't known that.

He'd figured his mom had always been a little disappointed she hadn't had a girl but she'd never made them feel less than. But to hear that she'd been so close to having her dream and then had it ripped away from her?

It was things like that that made him think that if there was a God he hated him.

He looked over his shoulder to check on Tess and found her standing with Father McCloskey, both of them also looking at him before they all looked away.

"I just want to take her pain away."

"We don't get to do that." His father said roughly, a sharp contrast to how gently he lit two of the votive candles. "We just get to stand beside them."

Always.

To whatever end.

Jay took a deep breath and took the stick from his father, lighting one candle for his mother, one for his lost little sister, one for Tess and one for their own lost little one. Like his aunt had suggested it did make him feel better, but that peace was quickly shattered.

"Do you?"

He immediately turned around at Tess's sharp tone, muttering a curse when he saw the way she was squaring off against Father McCloskey.

He must've said something bad to get her this angry this fast.

"Do you understand that until five years ago your church said that my baby would've spent eternity in limbo?"

Oh shit.

"Two thousand fucking years your church has been poisoning humanity and it took one thousand nine hundred and ninety-five to change their minds and say 'oh no, our bad, they're actually chilling with Jesus in heaven!' Do you understand the agony all those parents must have gone through, people who did actually believe in this bullshit?"

"Tess-" She grabbed him the second he got close, her trembling grip betraying the ferocity in her voice and eyes but since this was the first time she wasn't crying he decided to let her go.

"Do you understand that your church condemns me to hell for the procedure that took my child? Even though not doing so would have killed me?"

"Okay, I think-"

"Shut up Carol."

He shared a look with his dad when he realized he'd told his aunt off too, who for once promptly shut her mouth, albeit while giving Father McCloskey her own apologetic look.

"I understand your attempt to console me, 'father', and I can even understand your faith but the doctrines of your church are nothing short of wicked so the next time you try to espouse them to someone who already told you they don't share them, I would think again."

With a ragged breath and another squeeze of his arm Tess finally walked away and he kept close to her side as he followed her out, his heart aching when as soon as they were outside she turned into him. But they weren't out of the clear yet. This time he was the one keeping a tight hold on her as he led her down the steps and behind the big bush on the right, just in time to miss his father and aunt as they came out. He could hear their voices but had no idea what they said, his focus entirely on Tess. He didn't know how long he held her but eventually his shirt stopped getting more wet, but each one of her shaky breaths still tore at him.

"How inappropriate is it if I make a joke about you going to hell for that?"

She laughed like he'd wanted but it was too sad, too full of guilt for him to find any joy in it. "I'm pretty sure that's what everyone in there thinks."

Your church condemns me to hell for the procedure that took my child.

I had an abortion.

How long had she been having those thoughts?

How deep did they go?

He pulled back slowly to look at her, holding her head still so he could search her eyes for the truth. "What you said… about abortion. Do you think I think that?"

"I don't believe it." She whispered but her mouth twitched the way it did when she was nervous, smaller than it used to be but he caught it, just like he caught her fingers softly twisting the material of his shirt. "But… I think it sometimes."

Not that.

Anything but that.

"I don't. I don't think it about you or about any other woman. I don't…" Jay let out his own ragged breath and brought her as close as he physically could, taking each of the shudders than ran through her into him. "There is not a single part of me that is angry at you or that blames you, okay? Not one fucking part. I need you to hear that."

"I do. I promise I do." Tess swore, reaching up on her toes to meet his lips.

He didn't know what to do, what to say, how to make this better but he would.

That was his promise.