Present Day

He'd left her. He used to think that doing so would never get easier but it must have because he kept doing it. Sure she was telling him to and he understood why, she needed her space to be able to process this but it still felt like a betrayal, especially because he wasn't letting her go to fight her own battles. He was leaving her in their bed, alone and in a pain she was failing to hide.

A pain he might not relate to but one he still felt.

Viscerally.

Jay couldn't not think about the last time they'd experienced this, something close to it at least, the abortion that had made them for the first time seriously consider the kind of future they could have together. He felt the same now as he did then, that the only thing that mattered to him was that Tess was in that future with him, but she didn't agree. As many times as he'd told her he didn't need children, as many times as she'd told him she wasn't even sure if she wanted them he could still see in her eyes that she wanted to give them to him. That she blamed herself for the choices that had made it so that even trying would be dangerous. And after seeing her last night? Half out of her mind with pain, almost blind with panic? It wasn't worth it. No fictional children, no perfect fantasy of his future was worth putting her through that. But he didn't know how to get her to see that.

And he didn't have time to figure it out either because he hadn't left her to just go off on his own, which might've been the better idea. Instead he'd come to work. Was parking outside a warehouse where the lieutenant of the gang leader they were chasing had been killed, by his boss or by the rival gang intent on starting a turf war they didn't know. It was their job to find out but as he jumped out of his truck and caught sight of the bloody body he knew it was going to be a challenge to stay focused when the first thing that popped into his mind was an image of her covered in blood.

She hadn't started bleeding by the time he'd left, and they didn't even know if she would, but he still couldn't help picturing it. What if something went wrong and she needed to go back to the hospital? He'd asked Ben to keep an eye on her, or an ear out rather since he knew she didn't want visitors but what if he couldn't make it up to her in time? What if-

"Well someone doesn't look happy with the early morning start."

Adam.

Jay held back his snarl of aggravation but it was clear they all knew he was pissed about something.

"Everything good?" Voight asked, his Sergeant looking him over with an arched brow.

"Fine."

"Jay-"

"I said…" He caught himself just before he started yelling, taking a slow breath before he continued. "I'm fine."

"Damn, she's got you whipped."

Everyone gave Vanessa sharp glares but it was her partner he put his attention on, giving Hailey a stare to let her know he was on edge and that he needed her help to keep it together.

And she gave it.

After a brief but firm look at her partner she launched into an explanation of what had happened, linking it to everything they knew so far and though everyone kept sneaking glances at him no one said anything else, as they normally did ignoring their personal issues in favour of focusing on the job. But as he normally did, as he had to Voight stopped him before he could leave to make sure he was capable of that.

"Jay."

He heard his Sergeant but didn't answer him at first, confirming with Kevin that they would head back to the district before taking his truck to follow up on a lead, his partner giving him a reassuring pat on the arm before he headed to his own car and he turned to Voight.

"What's up?"

The older man just gave him a look. "You want to tell me why you and Tess were at the E.D at three this morning?"

"How the hell did-"

"I've got my own eyes." He replied calmly but that didn't do anything to soothe the protective instincts running through him.

"What did they tell you?"

"Watch the tone." Voight answered and his did make him relax, a subordinate following a superior's orders. "I don't know why you were there, I just know you were. That's why I'm asking."

"It's personal."

"Jay-"

"Don't-" He had to let out and take in another slow, deep breath, grateful the rest of their team had already pulled out but still mindful of all the techs around. "I'm not going to break her confidence. It's a personal issue and we're dealing with it."

Voight was quiet for a minute, no doubt wondering what could be so private he wouldn't want to discuss it, a short list but rather than wonder about it, at least in front of him the older man just looked him over again. "I need to know you have your head in this. If you don't, then go home."

Jay wanted nothing more but that wasn't an option.

"I'm good."

Voight gave him another long stare and even though it made his hackles rise he stood still under it, understanding that while he may not like it this was something his Sergeant needed to do; if they didn't have their heads screwed on straight in the field they risked not making it home, or worse, one of their teammates. And honestly while he didn't like to admit it he was a little worried about himself right now. It wasn't the first time he had other things on his mind when he needed to be working but Tess undermined his control in a way nothing and no one else could which meant he needed to keep an extra tight grip on himself if he wanted to stay focused. And he did. The case kept him busy and his partners consistently chill demeanour kept him relatively calm, and he almost relaxed when his brother texted to let him know he was on his way to check on her. But the anxiety at being away from her thrummed beneath his skin, a dangerous mix when combined with the frustration of trying to keep his cool. It shouldn't be this hard, he hated feeling like a ticking bomb but that's what he was.

And he went off on the absolutely worst person.

He was in the breakroom grabbing himself another coffee when Hailey walked in and when he saw her he automatically grabbed a mug, putting in the two spoonful's of sugar she favoured.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"Listen-"

"I'm fine." He said quickly but she didn't buy it.

Of course she wouldn't.

Things may have been rocky between them the last couple of months but for the last couple years she'd been not just his partner but his closest friend. She knew his moods, when he was holding something in or about to do something stupid. She'd been the one pulling him back, or since he usually hadn't listened to her the one cleaning up his mess. That was why it had hurt so much when she'd cut him out, an anger he'd thought he'd moved on from.

But apparently not.

"Listen, if Tess got into something, if she's in trouble-"

"Are you kidding me?!" Jay snapped hard, slamming his coffee down with such force the hot liquid splattered over his hand but he couldn't feel the burning. What he could feel was shame as Hailey startled, immediately taking a step back.

He could count on one hand how many times he'd yelled at her and he hated himself for each one.

But that didn't mean he could stop from doing it again.

"After everything she has done for us, you're still questioning her?"

Her head started shaking, her hands up to show she wasn't trying to start anything- he'd never seen him afraid of him before. For him, but not of him. "No, Jay I wasn't-"

"What does she have to do to make you trust her?"

"This isn't about trust-"

"I've heard that before."

God the look she gave him then, so hurt but still so caring. "I'm just trying to help."

"You want to help? Or you want to know what's going on?" He demanded, aware that everyone was watching them but he couldn't reign himself in. He tried, he really did.

It just didn't work.

"What's going on is that seven months ago she was fucking impaled. What's going on is that last night she got her period for the first time since and the pain was so bad I had to take her to the E.R! What's going on is that instead of being with her, I'm here. Because she wants me to be. Because she didn't want to take me away from-"

He stopped himself before saying it, because that wasn't why Tess had asked him to come but the damage had already been done. Hailey's face crumpled and he pushed away from her as fast as he could, barely sparing a glance for his teammates or his Sergeant. He needed to get out of here. He needed to see Tess but he was halfway to the haven before he remembered she didn't want him there. She also hadn't wanted him to make a scene but apparently he was a fucking child.

Jay had to pull over to get himself together, something that took longer than he liked, especially when the first pair of eyes to pop into his mind weren't hers.

They were Hailey's.

He could hear now what she'd been trying to say, that she'd been trying to help him, help Tess and the shame at how he'd treated her was so strong he started crying. And since there was no one around he let it out, just for a few minutes until he didn't feel like screaming anymore. The first thing he did when he could take a full breath again was grab his phone, his fingers actually shaking as he shot off the text and anxiously waited for a reply.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. I shouldn't have pushed you.

I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm sorry Hailey.

I'm a big girl Jay. We're good. Go take care of Tess and let us know if we can do anything.

But did Tess want him around?

"Hey Cas?" He asked cautiously, relaxing when the AI's voice floated out of his phone.

"I believe she was expecting you an hour ago."

It figured she knew he would lose it.

It wasn't a good thing, it actually turned a bit of his anger at himself towards her but at least he knew he could go home. He drove there as fast as he legally could, grateful for the private garage that meant he didn't have to run into anyone on his way up. He'd forgotten Will had come over and seeing him sitting at the kitchen table with her made him truly relax for the first time today, though he was quick to shoot a glare at his brother.

"Who'd you yell at?" Will asked with a smirk, winking at Tess before he made his way over and gave him an understanding and reassuring look. "She's okay. We talked and she knows to take the meds when she needs. She's strong."

"I know."

"Besides, you think I'd let anything happen to my sister?"

"Bring us one!"

He had no idea what Tess was talking about but Will seemed to, rolling his eyes before he promised to come back and slipped out, rightly guessing that he wasn't in the mood for a social visit.

He felt like a little kid as he made his way to her, actually dropping his head in her lap, and in Aelin's side, just barely managing to not start crying again when she started stroking his hair. "Who'd you yell at?"

"Hailey. She was trying to be helpful I just… I couldn't hear it. Not till it was too late."

"You know what you gotta do now?" She asked gently but the regret he could hear in her voice made his heart twist with double the guilt.

"I already apologized."

"Already? Look at that growth." She teased but again he could see her sadness; she looked better than last night but she was still tired, and pale, with dark circles under her eyes.

"How are you?"

Now it was her turn to flush with remorse, such a heavy load he felt it on his own shoulders. "I'm sorry I made you leave."

"It's okay-"

"It's not-"

"It is." He said firmly, the anger he'd felt earlier pushed down in favour of making her smile again. "If I was bleeding out of my dick I would need time to sit with that."

And there it was.

"In the nicest way, I would pay to see that." Tess said with a chuckle, her slight sway as she cupped his jaw letting him know she'd taken at least some kind of medication for the pain.

And he was about to hurt her again.

"I was not… subtle when I yelled."

She took a deep breath in but just nodded, shaking her head as she looked him over. "I'm sorry-"

"It's okay-"

"It's not-"

"It is."

Damnit.

It was small but she grinned her victory, briefly before her big blue eyes swelled with sadness once more. "I knew you didn't want to go and I asked it of you anyway. I just… I panicked."

How could he be mad at her for that?

Could he honestly say he would handle it any better if the situations were reversed?

Given his actions today, no.

"How are you?" He asked instead, both relieved and crushed when she leant forward so that she was resting her weight against him.

"I'm tired."

Then it was his job to give her rest. He brought her and Aelin to the bedroom and buried them all underneath the covers, Tess draped across him and the cat curled up between them both, the two girls almost immediately falling asleep. His girls.

And he would do anything to protect them.

She slept for an hour before her cramps woke her, bad enough that he knew with just a glance she was ready to take some real painkillers. They were good, kicked in practically right away and with a couple tricks, rubbing where her head met her neck and quietly singing a few old Irish lullabies she quickly passed out again. For three hours this time which was the biggest sign she wasn't okay. That and how run down she looked. She'd had dengue for a week and she hadn't looked this sick; from what she'd told him the body aches she'd experienced thanks to the jungle fever had been near excruciating, on par with what she was dealing with now. She had more cognitive abilities this time, something that was both a blessing and a curse. Because she was experiencing something far worse, something she'd only had glimpses of before and being fully aware was taking a different kind of toll on her.

Of course he'd noticed the last five months that she hadn't gotten her period, it was always something he'd tried to be respectful and supportive of but he could admit it'd been nice not having to deal with it. It had given him something else to think about but he'd made his peace with that and had just been trying to look on the bright side. What he hadn't considered, and what she hadn't either was that seven months of no periods did not mean seven months without her cycle.

Jay had honestly thought his heart was going to stop when he'd felt something wet on the blanket and lifted his hand to see his fingers slick with red.

Dark red.

He'd fucking panicked, not at all what he'd wanted Tess to wake to, her tears when she realized what was happening freaking him out even more. She'd had to shriek at him because he'd immediately rushed her to the elevator, a just barely coherent explanation that had him turning around and heading straight for the shower. And only the shower. It might not technically be the same but he knew what heat did for blood loss and he was not risking it. Seven months worth of uterine lining was a lot. Two loads of laundry already but while she had smiled when he said he had experience helping with her cup she was adamant she didn't want anything inside her. Fair enough. It was absolute bullshit what women had to go through.

The nausea hit her next, a lot smoother than last night since all she'd had was broth but it had still drained her. He hadn't known whether to be relieved or terrified when she'd asked for another pill but after a quick text to Will he'd given it to her, trusting his brother's advice more than he did the label.

He should apologize for how much of a dick he'd been about his chosen career.

That was a part of his father he didn't want to carry with him.

He kept thinking about him as the day progressed, varying cycles of showers, nausea, and naps, and staunch refusal to eat, wondering if he had done this with his mother. When she'd had her miscarriage, when she'd been going through chemo, every or any time she'd gotten her own period. It was hard to imagine his dad being warm and caring, but then it wasn't like he was like this with anyone but Tess. And when he let himself remember he could easily recall moments from his childhood where he'd caught his surly frown turning up at his mother's laugh, even when she wasn't in the room. Maybe it wasn't just Tess's laugh that was the sound of hope. Maybe it was all women.

"Excuse me, Jay?"

Quiet as she'd been he still startled when he heard Cas, grateful for the low, and repeated, flare of the lights to tell him who was talking to him. "What's up?"

"Voight is on his way."

He what now?

Why?

It was… it almost nine. Either they'd gotten some damn good leads and wrapped the case up early or something was wrong. Or there was the third possibility.

That he was checking in on them.

"Where is he?"

"Parking."

"What?!" He whisper-shouted, waving for Aelin to stay with Tess while he crept out of the bedroom, then back in to grab a shirt. "Why are you just now telling me?"

"Per Tess's directive I don't give advance warning for family. Your Sergeant is family, isn't he?"

"I mean… yeah. But I would like to request advance warning for him please."

"Okay." Cas said easily and he didn't know if it was the familiar mirth in her voice or just how reflective he was being but he was reminded of something else he'd been wondering.

"Who do you sound like?"

There was silence for a good four seconds before she spoke again, bringing forth tears he had no choice but to let fall.

It would be an insult to wipe them away.

"You know."

He did.

Not quite Tess, not quite Lydia but a blend, and not just of them. Her mother was in there too. Maybe even her grandmother. As far back as she could find recordings. He'd have to wait till later to process why that was so healing, drying his cheeks and taking slow breaths as he continued out to the elevator. Thankfully it took a few minutes and he got himself the most stable he'd felt all day by the time his Sergeant stepped out, holding… a brown paper bag?

"It's tea." He explained, awkwardly lifting said bag as he stepped in and flicked his eyes around the room. "Where is she?"

"Sleeping."

Voight nodded but didn't come further in, maybe because he didn't invite him but his own gaze kept going back to the bag.

He'd brought her tea?

"When Camille was going through chemo, she used to get nauseous, real bad. This was the only thing that could make her feel better. Get her to eat."

He'd brought her the tea he used to bring his wife.

Jay didn't know why but as his eyes moved back up to the other man's face he felt like he was looking at him with new eyes. It wasn't the first time he'd spoken of Camille, Jay had been there when they'd taken down the doctor who may or may not have falsely diagnosed her with cancer, an answer they would never get and one that had haunted him especially violently. He'd also seen Voight's face when they hadn't been able to save a young girl his wife had once given his card to, recognized the agony of another perceived failure. He knew Voight was more than just his boss, more than just his badge and his stripes- he'd been a friend, a husband, a father. He would never say more than but in some ways he'd become just as much a father to him as his own had been. Jay saw it in his face, watched him go from staring at him like a cautious boss to a concerned friend to that look only a parent could give. Maybe that was what made it so easy for him to let go of the front he'd been putting on all day, his Sergeant quickly wrapping him up in a tight hug. Except he wasn't his Sergeant right now. He was just a man, maybe the only one who came close to understanding what he was going through.

He hadn't realized how much weight had been on him until he was outright breaking in his arms, a support he hadn't even let himself consider never mind use. But Hank had him. He didn't say anything, just held on until finally he could breathe again, until he stopped shaking and could step back slowly, a little embarrassed but he just gave him an understanding look and guided him over to the island.

"Is there anything they can do?" He asked quietly, very much acting like a dad as he sat him at one of the stools and went around to grab him some water.

"One." He answered hoarsely, giving him a grateful look as he took the glass.

He didn't elaborate, but he didn't need to. His blow up in the breakdown meant his whole team knew what Tess, what they were dealing with and they were all smart enough to understand there were limited options to fix something like that.

"I don't want kids." Jay whispered, partly out of fear of her hearing and partly because it was surprisingly hard to say the words. "I know they're supposed to be the light of people's lives and their reason for living but I have my reason. And when I think about the fear that comes with being a parent? The pain?"

Hank just nodded, that was something he was intimately familiar with but from the look in his eye Jay could see that was why he understood so well where he was coming from.

How did someone bury their own kid?

How did you not kill the man responsible?

At the time he'd been more focused on how Erin got caught up in covering for him but the minute he'd realized what Voight had done he'd understood it. He'd respected it. He just didn't want to have to make that choice himself.

"Jay, just because you would be a good father doesn't mean you have to be one." Hank said simply, shrugging as he took a seat beside him. "Look, this is still new, to both of you. You gotta let it sink in. Tess is smart- she knows sometimes you just gotta take the hand life deals you."

She did.

She'd just been dealt a lot of really bad hands.

A quiet groan caught his attention and in unison they turned and found Tess standing across the room, thank God wearing sweatpants, slowly looking between them. "I'm really glad I put on pants."

"Me too."

She let out a small chuckle, only a little dopey which told him she would need, and hopefully take another dose soon. He stood up then quickly sat back down, an instinctive reaction to his Sergeant's command; Tess paused too, blinking at the arm he held out for her before her face softened and she took it, letting him walk her over to them.

"Is the world ending?" She asked tiredly but it was clear she was only half joking, but she relaxed when Hank chuckled.

"Not today."

"Good."

Jesus.

The smile he gave her then was the same one he'd seen him give to Erin.

"How are you feeling?"

She shrugged and he knew the other man saw the lack of a quippy comeback as another sign she wasn't herself. That and the gingerly way she rested against the counter. "Not wonderful. What brings you by?"

"Dropping off some tea." He answered with a nod to the bag, both of them watching as Tess's face lit up.

"You know Bai?"

"I do. Camille used to drink it when she was going through chemo."

Her face got impossibly soft, that look that always made him melt, and clearly his boss too, but he didn't sit back down with them. "I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice."

"I love getting that from old white men." She joked, her smile growing when Hank shook his head and failed to hide his own.

But it didn't take long for him to get serious.

"You are his button. You two need space, take it. But you can't send him in when his head isn't on straight. That ain't safe. And it ain't kind either."

He and Tess both sucked in slow breaths, his eyes flicking between them while hers stayed locked on the other man before she slowly nodded, so remorseful his chest started aching.

"Make sure that steeps for six minutes." Voight said as he pointed to the tea, giving each of them a nod before he backed away. "No more, no less."

He couldn't be sure but he thought Tess's throat was as thick as his because she just watched him go too, dipping their chins back before he stepped on the elevator and then they turned to each other, her ocean eyes so deep he could disappear in them.

He had been.

But she didn't let him continue.

"I think… I think I think if I take space for myself to process something that I'm making you do the same but you don't. You can't when you know I'm hurt. When you're in ranger mode. And I know that but I… I'm not respecting it. There are times I push you away because I don't want to carry your pain on top of mine-"

"You shouldn't have to-"

"You carry mine." She breathed, her eyes squeezing shut before she shook her head and they opened again, so full of regret his own filled with tears. "I have underestimated and taken advantage of your love for me and that is not okay. I can't keep doing it. And you can't keep letting me."

Fuck it.

Today was the day of letting go so Jay let his tears fall, pushing into her until he realized it wasn't close enough and he carefully scooped her up so she sat on his lap. He knew she meant what she was saying, just like he knew she'd never meant to hurt him. But she had. And he had let her.

And that wasn't okay.

"The way we love each other… it's different. But it's notmore and it's notless. We got a little cocky thinking we knew everything about each other. I think it's pretty amazing that we still have more to learn."

"Why do you always say the perfect thing?" She cried, tucking her head into the crook of his neck when he started laughing.

"That's my superpower."

"What's mine?"

He had to coax her out, waiting until the heaviness in her eyes started to lift before he answered. "You save me."

Her smile came slow and small but it was warm and bright so with a quick brush of his lips against it he stood them up and walked them over to the couch, going right back to what he'd been doing before Voight had shown up, running his fingers through her hair and humming to send her back to sleep. There was still a lot they needed to talk about but hearing Tess admit she knew how she'd been hurting him made it easier for him to, and made him feel better about figuring out something that worked for both them. In fifteen years there wasn't anything they hadn't overcome and he knew they would spend the next fifty doing just the same.