Present Day

He was gone.

With another soft kiss and a sad look he tried but couldn't quite hide Jay had gone to work. And now she was alone.

And the pain meds were wearing off.

It had started thirty minutes ago, little twinges where she'd once been numb that were slowly growing stronger but though she kept the little bottle of painkillers next to her Tess didn't take any. She wasn't trying to torture herself, she might be having some dark thoughts but she wasn't that far gone, not anymore but she still couldn't bring herself to take any. Not yet. Not until she knew what she was dealing with. Periods were always crap, she loved that quote from Fleabag about how men had to seek out pain but women were born with it inside them because it was true. From the time she'd been thirteen she'd had to deal with this monthly curse, twenty-four fucking years and just because she was used to it didn't mean there was ever a second that it was anything less than a pain in the ass. But now… it would happen less but the pain she'd felt last night had been debilitating, in a way she had very rarely experienced. What if that happened while she was in the field? It could incapacitate her in the worst moment, putting not just her in danger but the people she loved, the people she was supposed to protect.

And what about her regular, everyday life?

She hadn't even felt it coming on last night, sure if she looked back she could see the cravings and stomach aches had been signs but was that going to be all she had to rely on? Was every spike in her appetite going to make her afraid of her own body?

And what about Jay? She may have been the one to ask him to go to work but if he made it to lunch it would be a miracle. Which was another source of anxiety because she loved his team but they weren't subtle and the chances of him blowing up at one of them was high to say the least. No one made him lose his control like she did. And this… Tess knew he would never push her to make a decision she wasn't comfortable with but he also wasn't going to accept her being hurt when it wasn't absolutely necessary which meant that sooner or later he was going to make her talk about her options.

Option.

A hysterectomy.

Removing the biggest piece of her womanhood and yeah it wasn't actually but it sure as fuck felt like that. It felt like she'd failed, not just herself and Jay but Lydia. Her mom. She'd always been told she came from a long line of strong women and now that was going to end with her.

That felt like cosmic justice.

"Excuse me, Tess?"

"What?"

"Will is on his way."

Oh.

She quickly started wiping her eyes, pushing herself up where she sat on the couch so she wasn't slumped like someone waiting to die. "How long until he gets here?"

"He's in the elevator."

"What? What happened to advance warning?"

"I thought that didn't apply to family?"

It didn't, and they might not know each other that well but Will still was, but there was a note of humour in the AI's voice that had her shooting a disgruntled look up at one of the hidden cameras. Then quickly turning it into a smile when he cautiously stepped out. This was his first time here.

Another person she'd neglected.

Yet so much the same.

The elder Halstead made almost exactly the same face his little brother had, except he had no concern to dampen his delight. Well, not much. His eyes found her quickly, faster than she'd expected and Tess suddenly got hit with the knowledge that for all she knew of him she really didn't know Will at all.

"I hope you don't take offense but this is a lot nicer than his first apartment."

"Well he didn't decorate it."

He laughed as he made his way over and even though she could see the doctor part of his brain kicking in part of him went very soft. "I hope I spend more time here."

"Me too." She replied quietly, patting the cushion next to her and returning the smile he gave to Aelin who was curled up in her lap when he took it.

"Where's Jay?"

"I asked him to go to work but knowing your brother-"

"He'll be home any minute." He cut in with a wry smile, right before he started scanning her. "How are you feeling?"

"Not bad. A little nauseous but I also haven't eaten anything."

"You'll need to keep your strength up."

"I have a very nutritious bone broth just for that. And some very good teas."

His serious look cracked, also a lot like his brothers, just like the way his brow quirked, softer than Jay but with the same heart. And the same sense of humour. "Smart. And I assume there's some gummies in your diet as well?"

Tess chuckled, partly a stall tactic and partly because it was nice to remember a good moment. There had been one year where he'd come home for Christmas, New Years too and among the plethora of awkward, usually funny moments, starting with her thinking he was breaking into Jay's apartment and pinning him, while naked, had been a very lengthy but only mildly heated debate on the medicinal use of marijuana. He'd been very unsure of it but apparently had come around.

"I do have some ready, but I haven't taken any yet."

"Have you taken anything?" He asked in that doctor tone, the one that crept into all their voices at some point in their training.

Just like operatives got the bland smile.

"Not yet."

"Tess-"

"Do you realize how much you look like him?" She asked, another stall but it was true; they'd always very clearly been brothers but time had made that even more obvious, something Will recognized by his wry nod.

"I catch it sometimes."

"It's kind of eerie."

"You're telling me." He said with a sigh, lost in his head for a moment before he got lost looking at her.

They were bonded through a shared love for Jay but even though they had respect for each other there were mixed emotions, frustration on her end for all the years he'd left Jay on his own and confusion on his that she had done the same, for such different reasons.

But that didn't mean there was a lack of care.

"You don't have to suffer through this."

"I do for a little while. For safety and for sanity purposes, I need to know what I'm dealing with." Tess said quietly, holding his stare for as long as she could until she had to break it, finding refuge in Aelin's sweet purrs.

Will was quiet for a minute, Jay had told him the truth about her but between the chaos of a doctor, a cop and… her there was still a lot he didn't know, and probably even less he understood. But he was a Halstead and as dysfunctional as they could be if there was one thing they stood for it was family.

He finally nodded, again so like his brother she knew what he was going to say before he said it. "Alright. Then I hope you like company."

"Will that's sweet but I'm not planning on being a martyr. If I need the meds I'll take them."

"I believe you. At least I think I do. I think our definition of you needing them is probably different. So, as your doctor, let's find out what we're dealing with."

For a long second they just stared at each other but a combination of another painful twinge and the familiar stubborn jut to his jaw had her slowly nodding. "Okay."

"Good. Now, tell me where that bone broth is and then maybe we can start catching up on the last five years. Maybe…" It was his turn to trail off and look away, now a combination of remorseful and embarrassed that she didn't understand until his heavy brown eyes resolutely found hers. "Maybe you can catch me up on the last fifteen."

"I'll get us started." Tess said quietly, hating that there was such distance between him and his brother but glad she could play a role in bridging it.

If only she could have mended things with their father too.

If only Jay could know what it was like to be one, and Will an uncle.

He never brought that up, even when an hour later she had to pop a gummy because the cramps had grown too strong to deal with unaided, avoiding the topic so pointedly she knew Jay had told him not to. But that was okay because they had enough to discuss. Tess refused to share anything she felt needed to come from his brother but she recapped her life story starting from when she'd joined the agency to now, doing her best to give the truth without scaring him. But Will wasn't. He was surprised by a lot but there was no judgement and when she asked why his answer left her speechless.

Apparently not long after he'd moved back Jay had called him for help, off the books, patching up and then protecting a young man from the gang members who were trying to kill him. His shame when he told her that was the moment he'd finally understood the danger his brother put himself in was both upsetting and deserved, especially because as wild as things could get in Chicago they were nothing compared to Afghanistan. But sometimes you needed to see something to believe it and considering that had been the catalyst to start working on their relationship, albeit in the most Halstead way of drinking and watching hockey the saying better late than never rang true. It had taken time but they'd both forgiven each other for allowing things to deteriorate and most importantly had gotten a lot better at dealing with the inevitable bumps in the road.

The brothers who had become strangers were brothers again and Will made it a point to make it clear that extended to his new sister. And that got her thinking of the woman who could have, and her in opinion still should be Jay's.

"You should tell her about me."

"Tell who about you?"

"Natalie."

Will froze where he was washing her dishes, because she'd refused a third bowl of soup, brows high when he looked at her where she was half-slumped over the dining room table. She was keeping up a good face but she genuinely couldn't hide how worn she felt. But she had enough energy left to do a bit of meddling.

"Jay said-"

"Jay is like a mother hen with a machine gun."

He snorted, drying his hands before he took his spot across from her. "He said it was for your safety."

"I am as safe as I can be. Natalie knowing could save her one day." Tess said gently, doing her best to look both serious and reassuring; she didn't want to scare him or Natalie but she could easily think of a dozen scenarios where her knowing could save lives. "Regardless of whether you get back together, which I think you would be idiots not to, you lied to her. Multiple times about very important things. It would go a long way if you told her the truth now, especially because you don't have to."

He just let out a heavy sigh, a familiar look of guilt and resignation that quickly turned to surprise and then amusement when the soft chime of the elevator sounded and Jay stepped out looking very unhappy. "Who'd you yell at?"

The harshly unimpressed look he gave his brother made her chuckle and only then did Jay soften, pausing when Will rose to meet him. They exchanged a few quiet words but she caught the older Halstead saying something about his sister.

"Bring us one!" She called out, shooting Will a wink when he rolled his eyes, promising to come back later before he grabbed his jacket and left. Jay watched him go then made his way over, crouching beside her with the same look his brother had just had. "Who'd you yell at?"

"Hailey." He answered with a heavy sigh she couldn't help but return, his head dropping in her lap and his eyes closing as Aelin gave him a little kiss. "She was trying to be helpful I just… I couldn't hear it. Not till it was too late."

"You know what you gotta do now?"

"I already apologized."

"Already? Look at that growth."

He gave her a dry look, but also a little pleased, then sat back so he could look her over. "How are you?"

"I'm sorry I made you leave." She said quietly, scanning his face as he cupped hers to see just how badly she'd hurt him.

"It's okay-"

"It's not-"

"It is." Jay said firmly, more than she would have anticipated and the closer Tess looked the more clearly she saw the resignation was actually acceptance. "If I was bleeding out of my dick I would need time to sit with that."

"In the nicest way, I would pay to see that."

He huffed but his mirth quickly turned back into guilt. "I was not… subtle when I yelled."

Meaning his whole team knew why he, and she, were out.

Lovely.

But not really surprising.

"I'm sorry-"

"It's okay-"

"It's not-"

"It is." Jay frowned but quieted, knowing he had to listen to her. Just like she listened to him. "I knew you didn't want to go and I asked it of you anyway. I just… I panicked."

"How are you?" He asked again, understanding that neither of them were going to stop the other from feeling guilty.

And she didn't have the energy to try.

"I'm tired."

He just nodded, giving her a short but sweet kiss before he slid one arm behind her back and the other under her knees; he carried both her and Aelin to the bedroom and even though Tess knew they would have to talk, what she needed right now was to be in his arms. The only place she would always be safe.

So, so, so much worse.

She had experienced her share of pain in her life, not just massive swells of grief but actual, physical pain. Every kid collected a lot of bumps, bruises and scrapes, especially one as adventurous as her but the first time Tess really remembered getting hurt was when she'd been eight and had nearly drowned while surfing, simultaneously smacking her head on her board and cutting her foot open on a poorly placed rock. Only her father's intervention had saved her, fitting since he'd been the one who'd urged her onto the board in the first place. Until she'd turned seventeen that had been the worst thing to happen to her, until a deer spooked her parents on their drive down the Malahat Mountain and they'd gone through a guardrail and landed twenty feet below. They had died on impact but somehow she'd lived, with a wicked case of whiplash and a brand-new collection of bashes and cuts but even the worst physical wounds were so much faster to heal than the mental and emotional ones.

She'd gotten a lot of both at The Farm. It was a miracle she hadn't broken anything with how hard her instructors had pushed her, and how far her fellow recruits had let her fall, several times literally. For eighteen months her body had been one massive bruise but she hadn't let that deter her, sometimes out of spite but mostly because she had found something she truly enjoyed, that challenged her mind as much as it did her body. The latter happened a lot, the former not so much. Her time at the elite facility had prepared her for what the reality of being an operative would be, though of course there'd still been an adjustment period. But as hard as both had been she was still glad she'd insisted on the training because if she'd done what Coulson had suggested and gone into the field as just a tech consultant… she never would have survived. Sure she wouldn't have been put into all the same situations but there was no doubt in her mind that she still would've gotten hurt, gotten taken, and as strong-willed as she'd been it took a different kind of strength to withstand torture.

Selim had taught her that.

At the time she hadn't imagined there could be pain worse than what he'd put her through, the constant beatings and intermittent electrocution wearing her down so much so fast she had tried to take her own life, something previously inconceivable to her. But with time she'd learned there were many more ways to hurt someone.

Levels of creativity that made a person wonder just how good humanity really was.

Tess could never say she'd lost track of how many times she'd been tortured, that wasn't the kind of thing a person forgot but it had happened to her enough that sometimes the experiences blended together, a horrible mishmash of pain and fear and will. Taking the pain was one thing, broken bones, burnt flesh and slices deep into your muscle made a person learn how to dissociate fast but even after all this time she wasn't good at it; they'd been trained to go to a place inside themselves, Jay had even given her one, his grandfathers cabin but she couldn't do it. Couldn't taint a place so full of love. She went there afterwards, when she needed to block out the world so she could heal. So in the moments where her body was writhing with pain and there was no escape… Tess did the exact opposite of what they'd been told. She forced herself to feel every bit of whatever was being done to her and used it to hold herself together, barricaded in her mind with walls made out of rage, spite and pure fucking will. It may not be the healthiest option but it hadn't failed her yet. But that was when pain was being given to her. When it was her own body that had betrayed her?

That was the worst pain of all.

And this?

Society told women that their uteruses were the very symbol of their womanhood and even though she knew that was a load of shit… it also wasn't. Her body had been designed to do this. Until she'd broken it.

Twice.

Her abortion had cut her down in a way she hadn't ever experienced but she'd healed from it, soothed because motherhood had still been an option, when she was ready. Even the last few years when she'd started to realize it might not be something she wanted having that choice had been a comfort, one she hadn't fully appreciated until it had been taken away. Sure technically her uterus still functioned but even if she was able to get pregnant Tess didn't think she could handle the realities of a pregnancy. She was barely handling this period. Up until seven months ago they had never been fun but they'd always been manageable but this… This might be the worst form of torture she'd ever experienced.

These weren't cramps, they were hot metal knives stabbing and twisting her insides, a pain so unbearable she had taken the pain medication Natalie and Will had sent her home with, twice, in the span of just a few hours. Then there was the nausea. Her personal recipe of nutritious bone broth had gotten her strength up for a bit while Will had been visiting her and it was definitely easier to throw up than Cheetos and cream puffs but it still wasn't enjoyable and if her stomach was intent on being empty then she wasn't going to try and fill it. She could go a few days without food. But the absolute worst part of all of this was the blood.

So, so, so much blood.

Seven months worth, or around there anyway, because even though she hadn't gotten her period since being impaled apparently that hadn't meant her cycle had stopped. She'd been glad for it at the time, what woman didn't want a break, but she was paying for it now. Seven months of her uterine lining building up and now it was coming out, the biggest fucking hissy fit she'd ever seen. Punishment for her choice and her inability to bear children. She'd gone through four pairs of period underwear already in the last few hours, four when she could normally do one or two a day but while she had laughed when Jay joked that he knew how to get her cup out if it got stuck again she was not in the mood to have anything in or near her vagina.

Jay.

That was the absolute worst part of this.

He was being amazing, because of course he was, cleaning her off and stroking her hair and pulling out every trick in his little book of ways to soothe her but that was what hurt. He was giving all this attention to her and leaving none for himself. Because she might be the one who was in physical pain right now but the mental anguish she felt he did too. He felt it double because he had to watch her be in pain knowing that there wasn't anything he could do to stop it and for a man of action like him that was his own personal form of hell. Hers was knowing that he wasn't thinking about himself in any of this. Not as much as she wanted to him to but her head was a pretty dark and scattered place right now so Tess was trying to stay out of it. That at least was easy, the pain meds made her loopy and Jay kept her very sleepy, so much that when she woke next for a minute she didn't know when or where or even who she was. The only thing she did know was that he wasn't beside her and that was what reminded her of who she was, the where following quickly when a chirp from Aelin had her lifting her head enough to see that she was laying in bed.

The bed that Jay had already changed the sheets on twice so far.

But where was he?

Aelin chirped again, butting against her when she sat up in an attempt to push her back down but she gently swatted the cat away- she'd been laying down for hours now and even though she could feel the simple action draining her energy she couldn't bear to be still any longer. She couldn't bear to feel the slickness between her thighs. Grateful she hadn't stained a third set of sheets she toddled into the washroom to clean herself and change, briefly debating whether she wanted pants, torn between her desire to be warm and to not make Jay have to do any more loads of laundry. But then she remembered she was only on the first day with no idea how long this would last and she grabbed a pair of sweats, confused that he still wasn't here. From the moment he'd come home he hadn't left her alone for longer than it took him to grab whatever he was getting for her but she'd been slowly moving through their bedroom for probably about ten minutes now. Had he finally taken some time for himself?

When she finally made her way out to the living room she realized he had, though not in the way she'd thought.

"I'm really glad I put on pants."

"Me too." Voight answered with an amused huff, motioning for Jay to stay where he was when he stood, the older man surprising both of them when he made his way to her, a kind and understanding look in his eye as he held out his arm.

She stared at it for a second, then at him, realizing that this wasn't Voight.

It was Hank.

"Is the world ending?" Tess asked as she took it, enjoying his next chuckle; she liked this softened version of him far more than she did the stoic Sergeant.

"Not today."

"Good."

He was even more gentle than she might've guessed as he helped her to sit and when she looked Jay over his red rimmed eyes told her she wasn't the only one getting special treatment. "How are you feeling?"

"Not wonderful." She answered honestly, because what was the point in lying? "What brings you by?"

"Dropping off some tea."

Tea?

She gave the brown paper bag a long look, smiling when she recognized the logo. "You know Bai?"

"I do." Hank answered with raised brows, impressed, then a little perturbed, another connection he hadn't put together, and then he went soft again. "Camille used to drink it when she was going through chemo."

He'd brought her his wife's tea?

What a fucking softy.

"I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice."

"Cause I love getting that from old white men."

The older man just snorted again, shaking his head as he tried, and failed to hide his answering smile but as his eyes ran over her his face quickly got contemplative, a familiar look that told her she was about to reprimanded.

"You are his button." Hank said seriously but though Tess could feel Jay straightening beside her his Sergeant kept his gaze locked on hers, so firmly that she felt her shoulders curling in but while she hated the flush of shame that hit her she knew it was deserved. "You two need space, take it. But you can't send him in when his head isn't on straight. That ain't safe. And it ain't kind either."

He was right.

She hadn't meant to hurt Jay, hadn't wanted to, but she had.

And she could have avoided it, easily, but she hadn't.

Her desires, her pride had come before his sanity and his wellbeing and that was never acceptable but for the man who had given so much of himself to her that wasn't something she could live with.

She was going to say so, to him and to Jay but then Hank took a step back, looking them both over before he smiled and pointed to the tea. "Make sure that steeps for six minutes. No more, no less."

Maybe Jay's throat was as thick as her own because he stayed silent beside her as Hank walked out, a brief visit but a profound one, and once he was gone and Jay looked at her… his eyes were so deep, a heaviness that filled her with guilt. Because she was the cause of it. There had been a time when opening up to Jay had been the easiest thing in the world for her, even more than breathing and while she wasn't the only person with a tendency to retreat when hurt she'd let herself become too accustomed it. But she didn't want that anymore.

She wanted him.

"I think… I think I think if I take space for myself to process something that I'm making you do the same but you don't." She said quietly, loving the way he started to relax as she spoke and hating that it was so easy. That it had still taken her so long. "You can't when you know I'm hurt. When you're in ranger mode. And I know that but I… I'm not respecting it. There are times I push you away because I don't want to carry your pain on top of mine-"

"You shouldn't have to-"

"You carry mine. I have underestimated and taken advantage of your love for me and that is not okay. I can't keep doing it. And you can't keep letting me."

Jay let out a long breath and then tears started flowing down his cheeks, a startling and heartbreaking sight but she'd only just grabbed his face when he plucked her out of her chair and onto his lap, their arms wrapping around each other in sync.

"The way we love each other… it's different. But it's notmore and it's notless." He said firmly, his soft smile soothing her guilt. "We got a little cocky thinking we knew everything about each other. I think it's pretty amazing that we still have more to learn."

Mother fucker.

"Why do you always say the perfect thing?"

"That's my superpower." He joked, his lips leaving kisses against her temple.

"What's mine?"

She'd hoped he would've just told her but of course he coaxed her out of the crook of his neck first, the love in his eyes making her melt. "You save me."

Silly boy.

Didn't he know he'd saved her first?

She wanted to say he would save her last, then that she would save him, then she realized neither could be the case. Whatever their end was, it was theirs.