Six Years Ago

Two weeks it had happened. That would've made her unborn child thirteen weeks if she had kept it. The fetus, because it hadn't been a child and it wouldn't have been. Ectopic pregnancies weren't viable, they were nature's non-starters, something her body would have tried to expel on its own, a process that might have killed her which was why she'd needed the procedure.

The abortion.

Tess didn't get the same wave of shame when she thought the word anymore, not now that Jay had made it clear he didn't feel that way, but she still thought it was important to say the word. She knew she couldn't ignore the emotions surrounding this but it helped her to remember it hadn't been an emotional decision; she hadn't decided to get pregnant, hadn't decided to end it. They were choices that had been made for her. She had lost something she hadn't wanted and couldn't have had even if she did and that was hard but it wasn't on her.

None of this was on her.

Or Jay.

They'd only talked about it a little, not as much as she knew they needed to but she just wasn't ready for that conversation yet. And he knew it, just like she knew he wasn't either. He couldn't process this for himself until he knew she was going to be okay which was both sweet and a little infuriating because she wouldn't be okay until she knew he was going to be.

At least she had another two weeks before she had to return to operations, maybe more. Even though she'd healed from the procedure, the abortion, it was recommended most people take at least one week off, people with more physically demanding jobs even longer and she didn't think those recommendations were for people who travelled all over the world fighting terrorists and arm dealers and the like. And as much as part of her did wish she could drown herself in her work Tess could feel the difference in her body. Not just the overall fatigue but the ache that was still between her legs, a discomfort in her abdomen that may not bother her walking around the apartment but could very well give her a disadvantage in the middle of a fight, never mind all the mental distractions it provided. She wasn't fit to be in the field right now. She didn't feel fit to do much of anything right now but she was trying.

"Come in." Mouse called when she knocked on his door, giving her a curious look when she peeked inside.

He'd been spending a lot of time in here, no doubt trying to give her and Jay their space but this was his apartment too, more than it was hers. She didn't like feeling like she was pushing him out.

"Jay and I are going to watch a movie- do you want to join? We haven't picked anything yet so you can be the tie breaker?"

There was something about the way his jaw ticked that caught her attention but then he was shaking his head and she focused on that. "I'm actually heading out, but thanks."

"Out?"

"Yes. Out, into the world. Charting my own path."

She rolled her eyes but when he slipped past her there was a churning in her stomach that had her trailing after him. "Well what're you doing?"

"Going to meet some people."

"What people?" Jay asked as they walked past him where he was flipping through their DVD collection.

"First off, we have Netflix you dinosaur." Mouse said to him, Jay just giving the finger. "And second, you guys know I have friends other than you, right?"

"Don't be a dick." Jay said sharply, with a not-so-subtle nod to her and though the comment had hurt, more than it had a right to Tess quickly smiled at Greg, waving him off when she saw him sigh.

"It's cool. Go have fun."

He nodded but took another second to look them over, his jaw ticking again as his eyes bounced between them, with remorse and even agitation but also… something else. Something she couldn't quite place. But before she could ask if he was okay he was walking out, the image sticking in her head even as she curled up next to Jay.

"So what're you thinking?"

"I vote for either Bad Boys or the Fast and Furious."

"I do not understand your obsession with Vin Diesel." He said as he grabbed the Bad Boys DVD. "It's so unrealistic."

"It's fun! Plus it gives me inspiration."

"I don't… like that." He replied haltingly, though his eyes got soft when he ran them over her, even more when she patted the couch for him to come sit back next to her.

They spent the next four hours lost in the comedic gold that was Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, judging which of the action scenes were realistic and which weren't, what they would have done in those situations. It was lighthearted, and fun, a return to the normal they'd both been craving but as they were finally getting ready for bed that peace shattered. Jay always let her use the bathroom first, ever the gentleman, which meant when she heard the apartment door open she was the first one to greet Mouse, something he clearly had been hoping to avoid by the way he winced when he saw her. Probably wanting to hide his split lip and the bruise forming on his left cheekbone.

"What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

He actually tried to wave her off and make a break for his room but he backpedaled when Jay came out of the bathroom, the frustration she'd sensed earlier a lot stronger now.

"Dude, what happened?"

"Just a little bar fight. I'm fine."

"A fight over what?" She and Jay asked together, sharing a glance when Greg's shoulders tightened in response.

"It's nothing. I went out to get some intel-"

"Intel on what?" She and Jay demanded again and this time when they looked at each other and she caught Greg's jaw ticking Tess knew that whatever was wrong went a lot deeper than whatever they were thinking.

Jay had struggled the most after their discharge but once he'd found his purpose as a police officer he'd been fine but Greg… They'd both suggested he join the force as well but he'd remained adamant that it wasn't what he wanted so they'd let it go, her more than Jay but eventually he had too. But Greg hadn't found his purpose. He moved from job to job, usually something in the tech sphere but never anything that made use of his full talents, he hadn't even completed the community college certificate he'd enrolled in and despite how much they both tried he was… resistant to change. To any kind of help. He said he liked moving around, that after doing the same thing in the military he liked trying new things and she got that but she wanted him to have the same joy in his work she and Jay did. She wanted him to be happy. And maybe it was wrong but she didn't always believe him when he said he was. The only thing she did believe he enjoyed was his… extracurriculars.

And she didn't mean just weed.

Greg had gotten himself involved in Chicago's underground, nothing too dangerous, nothing where he might be linked to anything, yet, but he'd become known as someone who could make introductions. She and Jay had been shocked when they'd found out, another night like this where he'd come home with a blackeye and again he'd insisted he was fine. That it was good. Her work was international and Jay's was domestic so it made sense for one of them to be dialled into the city's underground. And it did. Jay had had a harder time accepting that but in the end he had, but that didn't mean either of them liked thinking about their friend going off on his own. And they definitely didn't like it when he got hurt.

"Seriously guys, I'm fine." Greg said with a forced smile, holding his hands up so they could look him over. "I had to show I wasn't just a scrawny hacker so I put a guy in his place. I promise he's worse off."

"How much worse?" Jay asked, wincing when the other man gave him an offended look.

But the biggest sign something was wrong was that he didn't respond, just walked past them into his room.

"Dude-"

"Don't dude me." Greg said firmly, pausing in his doorway when they tried to follow him. "I'm sorry if I startled you guys but I am fine-"

"No you're not."

He took a deep breath when she cut him off, and then she and Jay did too, their standard practice when things got heated. It didn't happen often, because they all hated fighting and did their best to talk things through whenever issues came up, which for the most part they didn't but they were human and sometimes tensions boiled over. But for the life of her Tess couldn't figure out why Greg was upset. She doubted what happened tonight was the cause, mostly because he'd been upset before he'd gone out and as far as she knew everything was fine with his family. The only thing she could think of was the abortion and of course she knew he was upset for their sakes but it wasn't like the baby had been his. Except-

It could have been.

Even if Greg knew the timeline of her short-lived pregnancy, which she was just now realizing he may not it didn't matter because even if this particular child, fetus, clump of fucking cells hadn't been his it could have been.

It could have been and she hadn't even considered that.

She hadn't considered him.

Tess saw it in his eyes the moment he realized she'd put it together, the shame like he thought he didn't deserve to be considered. Like he was less important than them. And why wouldn't he think that?

What had they done to make him think otherwise?

Jay was looking between them, clearly confused and even though all she wanted was to rush over to Greg and wrap him up in the tightest hug possible she found herself holding back, unsure if he would even want her touch. What had she done to deserve it?

"Why didn't you say anything?" She asked quietly, her heart breaking a little more when he just shrugged.

"It doesn't mat-"

"Yes it does! Of course it matters, you matter."

"Wait. Why-" Jay was still looking between them and they both watched him realize what was going on, what they'd missed, his face going slack as he looked at her before he turned to his friend and it filled with guilt.

And horror.

The same things she felt.

"Look, it's really not a big-"

"Yeah it is." Jay roughly, holding his friend's stare until his head lowered, his own shaking like he couldn't make sense of what was happening. She couldn't either, but they should have. If they'd just opened their eyes they would have. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because it doesn't change any-"

"It changes everything!"

She hadn't realized she'd shouted until they were both stepping towards her and she was waving them off, trying to maintain some modicum of self-control. Her heart actually felt like it was breaking, which wasn't a new feeling but it felt more dangerous than it ever had because she'd never felt this fragile before. And she didn't want to break.

She didn't want them to break.

She couldn't not have them in her life.

"You have to say something when you're upset. We all have to say something because we can't- this is not- we can't do this. This is not okay!"

"Okay." Greg said softly, stepping towards her like she was an animal he was afraid of startling before he slowly brought her in for a hug. "We're going to talk to each other and we're all going to be- what are you doing?"

"You go in the middle." She said as Jay came over to join them, ducking under his arm so he would be, which he clearly didn't like.

"Hey, stop that."

"No.Yougo in the middle." She told Greg fiercely, staring him down until he finally nodded and then turning to Jay who quickly did the same.

"I got no problems with that."

"I do if you keep your head on my shoulder like that."

"Shut up."

Both men did and with that settled she grabbed Greg in the tight hug she'd wanted to earlier, burying her face in his chest and breathing him in. Gunpowder and sugar. It wasn't the chocolate and moss scent she was used to but it was just as familiar, just as comforting, and so was the hand he ran down her hair when she started crying.

"I'm sorry Greg. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay-"

"It's not."

"It's okay now." He stressed and she could feel him nudging Jay who started backing them up into the room and towards the bed, though she refused to allow them to place her in the middle, though she supposed that was the good thing about triangles.

They were all in the middle.

For a minute they just stared at each other, unsure where they should start, afraid to with how heavy the air had become; all she really wanted was to keep crying but she'd done enough of that. This may not be her fault but Tess was making it her responsibility.

"Do you feel like we take advantage of you?"

"No." Greg said immediately, his shoulders drooped but his eyes firm.

"Do you feel like we ignore you?"

"No. But." He added quickly when she opened her mouth, his own tugging with a small smile. "I do feel like I am occasionally… forgotten. But that's okay-"

"It is not and if you don't stop saying that I'm going to hit you."

"No one is hitting anyone." Jay said roughly and this time he was the one who held her stare before he turned to Greg. "But she's right, that's not okay."

"Except it is. You two are the couple. I am the best friend and as much as I love our little thruple there is always going to be an imbalance."

He was right.

She hated it, but he was.

She really did love Greg just as much as she loved Jay but the way she loved them… it was different. And as much as she may want to keep them both for herself that wasn't fair- Greg deserved to have someone of his own, a great, epic love, a tug in his heart that no one and nothing could deny.

"Do you not want to-"

"I didn't say that." He said with a small wink, slowly looking from her to Jay. "I am fine with being the best friend-"

"Fine isn't good enough."

He took a deep breath, annoyed at being pushed but also understanding, and a little pleased too, and he took a moment to think before continuing. "I am happy being the best friend. I love you guys and I love what we have. But that being said… yeah, it does hurt sometimes to be an afterthought. But I get it. And I am good with it."

"Why didn't you say anything about the baby?" Jay asked quietly, the tension that had slowly been dissipating immediately ratcheting right back up but as much as it hurt she knew it was necessary.

They needed to sort this out and she didn't want to wait until morning.

"You were in enough pain, I didn't want to add to it. Especially when I wasn't sure-"

"It wasn't yours." She whispered when he fell silent, forcing her eyes to stay on his. "But it could have been and that's enough. You should have said something. And I… I am really fucking sorry I didn't think of you."

"So am I." Jay added, his face as solemn as when she'd first told him. "That's not okay. You're my brother and I need to treat you better. But I also need to know you'll come to me if you're hurt."

"I will. From now on, I will." Greg promised, the two men sharing a look before they nodded, Greg shooting her a smile when she took his hand.

"You are not an afterthought. It may be different but I do love you just as much as I love him."

"I love you too."

That may not be all there was.

But it was all that mattered.

The next thing she knew he and Jay were taking the hands she hadn't felt them grab and pulling her into the middle of the bed so she lay between them and though she wanted, tried to change places with Greg they didn't let her. In fact Jay pulled the blankets up around them as Greg flipped off his bedside light and then their arms settled over her waist and for the first time tonight each of them fully relaxed. Tess was tempted to leave it there, wondered if maybe she ought to but…

"Just so it's clear… if it ever did happen, I would be honoured to have both your children. Either…"

Twin chuckles followed by heavy breaths answered her, two grips tightening and two heads dropping against her shoulders, two sets of lips pressing kisses to her shirt as they nodded. And even though a few more tears slipped down her cheeks she knew it was true. She wasn't sure motherhood was even a path she wanted to take but if she chose to she couldn't find better men.