Six Years Ago

Everything always seemed so much easier at night. Simpler. Probably because there were less people around, the chaos of the day somehow calmed under the light of the moon. That was just how it felt, as a cop he knew that the seediness of their city actually got worse at night, like the restraints people put on themselves to maintain their civility popped off as soon as the sun went down. It always made him wonder just how good people really were, what was the stronger force, nature vs nurture, right vs wrong, good vs evil. He couldn't speak for others but those lines were strong in him, always had been, his moral compass pointing very rigidly towards justice.

Granted there were different forms of justice and he was honest about the urges he had to serve the darker kind, but he'd never given into them.

Not yet anyway.

There was a part of him that wanted to say he never would but his time as a soldier had taught him that there were times certain rules needed to be bent, where hurting a few could be forgiven if you were trying to save many. Or those who deserved it, unequivocally. There was also a difference between a moral law and a legal one but the truth was who he would cross those lines for came down to the people he stood in front of. Children first and foremost, innocents, family, his dad, Carol and Will, Lydia, Greg and Tess. He would take on the world for them. And for Tess…

She wouldn't want him to but he was pretty sure he would let the whole world burn for her.

That was why the distance between them the last few weeks hurt so much, and why he was so determined to close it. It was why even though he felt the urge to head back to the gym after shift he went straight home, needing her more than he needed to relieve his tension. They were one in the same. He was surprised to find her awake when he slipped into their room, not waiting for him, just sitting with her back against the headboard, staring out at the night sky. That was how he knew she hadn't been trying to sleep. For most of their relationship they'd kept the curtains open, he'd always liked having a source of natural light, to be able to catch a glimpse of stars but the last year that had gotten harder for her, her nervous system too overloaded from her operations to feel safe with such a vulnerable entry point. Because she knew that being on the fifth floor didn't mean anything if someone really wanted in. And even though a piece of fabric wasn't enough to stop someone so determined if it made her feel better he would do it. And she knew it. It was in her smile when she saw him, instant relief, the way she curled into his side when he crawled in beside her as natural as their breath.

"You okay?"

She was quiet for a moment, still, taking her time to really think about her answer but then she nodded. "Yeah. I am."

Thank God.

Or the universe, or whatever she wanted to call it. Thank her.

Thank her for being so strong.

"What…" His attention snapped back to her when she trailed off, grateful when her eyes found his. "…would you have wanted?"

Oh.

Finally.

"I wouldn't care but… I keep thinking of a girl."

"Me too." She whispered and even though her head was nestled back in his chest her smile was the only feature he'd been certain any child of theirs would need to have. Everything else…

"Don't ask me about looks though. That's too hard."

Tess chuckled and even though it was sad there was something healing in it, the same ache they'd each felt but hadn't been able to express. And they still didn't, but that was okay. Jay didn't think it would help either of them to linger on what might have been. But what could be…

That was a different story.

"Are kids something you want?" She asked again, her ocean eyes still soft and sweet when he brought them back to his but also nervous, a fear only he could soothe. One he would.

"I want you. Kids… I know I would love yours but with our jobs… I don't know if I want them. They definitely aren't something I need. I just needyou."

There was the relief, the peace and love and trust he was so desperate to give her. "I needyou too."

Thank God for that.

"Then we're going to be fine. We're going to be amazing."

Him and Tess.

To whatever end.

He felt himself melting into her when she kissed him, once, twice, three times. Four, till the twist of her fingers in his shirt told him that she didn't intend on stopping. And he didn't want her to, but he needed to be sure she really wanted this.

But before he could ask she pulled away, her eyes roving over him not with nerves this time but concern. "Are you ready?"

"Are you?"

"I don't want this to change us." She whispered, grip getting tighter with her fear.

"It won't." He said roughly, pulling up so he could take his turn to kiss her.

Nothing would ever change them.

Never.

He wouldn't let it.

Every kiss he gave her was a repetition of that promise, not as fierce as he wanted to give it but that was okay. This wasn't the time for that. Because that sadness that was still in her was in him too, that fear that the same accident could happen again but that was what drove them, the desire to prove to themselves and to each other that even if it did they would be okay. They would always be okay. That didn't mean he didn't hesitate when it came time to undress, her or him, a worry that either their bodies or their minds might betray them but they didn't, but they also didn't rush, their touches gentle, almost curious, like they were learning each other all over again. He hadn't thought it was possible but it made Jay love her even more, renewed his faith that his touch would always be what she needed, whether it was brushing back her hair when she cried or brushing his thumbs over his nipples until she made a different kind of noise, just like her hand on his chest calmed his heart, whether she was soothing him after a rough day or sliding it down before she took him in her hand like she did now.

Even the heat that built between them was softer, no less powerful, actually more, that promise a brand on their souls, that they would always have each other, in whatever form, through whatever pain. To whatever end. And when they did reach their peak, her arms clinging to his neck and his locked around her back, every part of one touching every part of the other he swore the world trembled in response.

They stayed like that for a long time, just holding each other, and every time he thought she'd fallen asleep and brushed her hair back to check Tess would just smile at him, that sadness finally pushed back. It would come back, for both of them and probably sooner than later but that was why this moment was so important. They had to soak up every little moment of peace that they could, let it give them strength for whatever God and the universe decided to throw at them next. But for tonight they were safe, so even when she did finally drift off Jay kept himself awake, not a hard task when he had her to hold his attention. Tess was always gorgeous but even more when she was asleep. When that softness and fierceness was on full display, except the only one who saw her was him.

He was the only one who understood the tempest in her tranquil soul.