Six Years Ago

There was always something so calming about the moon.

Logically Tess knew it was just a hunk of space rock, remnants of the planet Theia which had smashed into Earth billions of years ago and yet it still had an effect on them, a pull so strong it shaped their oceans. She understood that. Not just as a woman whose very cycles were linked with her celestial phases but because she too had a tug she couldn't ignore.

That was part of what was keeping her up. The moon was the other, her bright light filled the room but she didn't want to shut the curtains; the last year or so it had been getting harder for her to sleep with them open, not just because of the light but because of what it represented. Not just openness and freedom anymore but vulnerability. Danger. Jay and Mouse had been fine with the extra lock on the front door, mildly dismissive of the one on the balcony but they did whatever she needed to feel safe. That was just harder to accomplish now. It wasn't that anything had changed, it was just… an accumulation. All the nights she'd slept fretfully, or not at all waiting for an attack, all the nights or subsequent mornings where one had come had left her strung out, unable to achieve the rest she so badly needed.

And Tess had the undeniable feeling that it was going to get worse before it got better.

Much, much worse.

Which was why she was soaking in these moments of peace as deeply as she could, shoring up her reserves for whatever fight was on its way. That was also why she relaxed as soon as she heard the distant click of that front lock turning open. Tess felt lucky to have so many people she trusted but no one made her feel as safe as Jay did. No one ever had and as torn as his presence had made her lately, the sorrow of a guilt she knew she didn't have to bear and the heaviness of expectations only she had placed on herself the relief of knowing she would soon be in the comfort of his arms outweighed everything else. He startled when he opened the door and saw her, just for a second before his eyes flicked to the window and then he put his bag down, slipped out of his jeans and crawled onto the bed beside her, resting against the headboard while he tugged her into him.

"You okay?" He asked lowly, his cheek rubbing absentmindedly against hers distracting her for a moment before she nodded.

"Yeah. I am."

And for the first time the words felt true.

There was still a sadness inside her, a fear, not just for the coming fight but her own desires, wishes for a future that couldn't be promised. But much like when she'd imagined the different paths she could have taken the only thing that made any of them feel solid was that Jay was in them. That was all she needed.

"What… would you have wanted?" She asked slowly, looking up at Jay just in time to see his eyes widen with understanding, right before they softened and he gave her a sad smile.

"I wouldn't care but… I keep thinking of a girl."

A girl.

A daughter.

"Me too."

"Don't ask me about looks though." He said huskily, shaking his head before he rested it on top of hers. "That's too hard."

Black hair and green eyes.

Or maybe red hair and blue.

Maybe both.

Twins?

Maybe with a brother they'd drive crazy, younger or older. Or both.

Or…

"Are kids something you want?"

His arms tightened around her and his chest expanded, slow and deep before his fingers found her chin, gently tilting it up before they danced up her jaw and into her hair. She wouldn't have wanted to look away but his eyes still held her, soft and sweet and steady.

Simple.

"I want you. Kids…" Jay sighed, shrugging and shaking his head but his smile stayed. "I know I would love yours but with our jobs… I don't know if I want them. They definitely aren't something I need. I just needyou."

"I needyou too."

Now his smile grew, as did the softness and the sweetness. The steadiness and the simplicity that was just them. "Then we're going to be fine. We're going to be amazing."

Her and Jay.

To whatever end.

He sighed into her mouth when she pushed up to kiss him, the tremor of relief that ran through him tugging at her heart, that gravitational pull that had her moving closer, kissing him again until he froze when he realized she didn't want to stop.

"Are you ready?"

"Are you?" He asked nervously, one hand still cupping the back of her head while the other flexed anxiously on her waist.

"I don't want this to change us."

"It won't." He swore, kissing her deeply as he tugged her up so she was cradled against his chest. "Nothing will ever change us."

Never.

One of her hands dove into his hair, desperate to keep his lips on hers while the other gripped his shoulder, bracing herself as he gently slid her underwear down. Normally she didn't wear any to bed, normally the t-shirt of his she was wearing would've been off as soon as she got between the covers but the last few weeks she'd been feeling the need to be extra close to him. And yet… her panties had been a barrier. A way to protect herself, and or both of them to ignore the most obvious reminder of their pain. But not tonight. Jay pulled back to look at her before he pulled them all the way off, ready to pull them back up if that was what she wanted but it wasn't. Tess wanted him, without any barriers.

She wanted them.

Still bracing herself against his shoulder she straddled his waist, tugging off his shirt before she raised her arms so he could do the same and then she wrapped them around his neck, taking his mouth softly but deeply. Her lungs might need oxygen but she didn't. Arching into him as he cupped her breasts, his thumbs gently rubbing her nipples she slid one hand down his chest, equally as tender as she took him in her hand; this wasn't the time for wild, unchecked passion. This was a reunion, because even though they'd been at each others side through all of this it had still changed them. It had made them cautious around each other, nervous about the roles they played out of fear of hurting one another but they didn't need to be. Even when they did hurt each other it didn't matter.

Nothing would ever change them.

Never.

Her grip on Jay tightened and as his fingers began to probe at her entrance her lips finally broke away, her head falling against his. Tess had felt a flicker of worry that her mind would be ready but her body wouldn't be but she could already feel herself getting wet, more and more as he thickened in her hand.

The urge to have him inside her was growing unbearable but Jay took his time making sure she was ready, waiting until she whispered that she was before he finally pushed inside her. Now there was a moment of fear, they'd only used condoms once because she liked being able to feel him, feel his release but now she had a negative memory associated with it, and a fear that it might happen again. But instead of retreating they held each other through that sadness, let themselves comfort and be comforted until finally she started to rock against him, the safety of his arms giving her the courage to face that pain. The love and the pleasure slowly built between them, and the sadness too until at last they came together, the way they would always be. And maybe… Maybe it would be just them but that would be okay.

That would be amazing.