The Emptiness That We Are Inside
After
Dark hair dripping down the back of her neck, Tess stalked down the stairs, ignoring Claudia who ran past, long ebony curls in need of a good comb. Snatching a towel off the radiator, Tess wound it around her head, kicking aside one of Judith's roller skates at the same time. The place was a pigsty, but she was damned if she was going to drop to her knees and start clearing up her sisters' mess, not after the morning she'd just had. She'd been at the infirmary since seven am, assisting with the early shift of the morning clinic Dr. Sattler was currently trialling. Since the arrival of the two new doctors from the Commonwealth, their presence had significantly eased the pressure on the incumbent staff, and Tess sometimes now caught herself dreaming of doctoring beyond the walls of Alexandria, somewhere she could make a real difference.
After being projectile vomited on by a sick toddler, Dr. Sattler had told Tess to take a late lunchbreak, Tess quickly heading home to catch a shower and the afternoon post. She'd run into Elijah on the sidewalk, cutting off his attempt to engage her in conversation with a curt nod. Even seeing her covered in vomit didn't seem to put him off. After amicably breaking up with Lydia two months ago, he'd decided to try his luck with Tess again, not taking her initial no as his final answer. He wanted a wife by his side, something he'd been up front about from the early days of their acquaintance. But Tess had no desire to settle down to a desultory existence of domesticity, having a baby or so every other year, like Elijah would no doubt expect. She had long since seen Sophia fall into that same trap. However, Elijah didn't seem to be getting the message, taking to hanging around Alexandria en route to the other communities he delivered to.
Gritting her teeth, Tess strode over to the battered console table where the mail was always left on an old silver tea-tray, before hurriedly flicking through it. As yet, there were still no letters from her father, Negan having inexplicably stopped writing a few months before. There had been a series of battered briefly worded postcards from Annie in the meantime and one crumpled note scribbled on fading airmail paper detailing Joshua's first steps, all with no return address. But the hand-stamped postmarks had tellingly ranged from Pittsburgh to Missouri and beyond. Knowing Negan, Tess had reasoned trouble had probably found him once again, probably over a piece of ass or perhaps a deal going south.
But whatever it was, Tess had long since brutally buried any fears she might have felt for her father. He was a survivor, skilled at saving his own skin. Obviously Annie had left him, taking Joshua in tow, putting as much distance as possible between them and her erstwhile husband. Tess always knew Annie to be a woman of good sense, albeit with a dubious taste in men, if marrying Negan was any indication of her standards, but it seemed she had now come to her senses, kicking Negan to the kerb. Michonne had told Tess not to jump the gun in her assumptions over Annie's decision to take Joshua and leave, but Tess had impatiently dismissed her warning for caution.
She knew Negan and what he was like when it came to women or getting his own way. He had probably been unable to keep it in his pants as per usual, or screwed somebody over supplies just to skim that extra bit off the top, and Annie had eventually found out, ending it there and then. Tess just wished her mother had been as astute, rather than remaining loyal to a man who wasn't fit to lick her boots. But as long as Annie and Joshua were safe and well, that was all she could wish for. If Tess's stomach secretly sank at not seeing her father's familiar scrawl, then that was between her and her conscience; nobody else had to know of her filial foolishness.
There was also nothing further from Daryl, making Tess suddenly grip the edge of the console table for support, head bowed. A bloodstained note had arrived last week, Daryl's disjointed writing interspersed with disgusting dark splatters. Such notes were nothing new, not out there with the dead to deal with and paper scarce, Daryl having to make do with what was at hand. But the note had been negative; that the trail he was following had gone cold, like all the other ones he'd looked up. During Daryl's absence, Tess no longer kept track of the passing of time, Imogen having been missing for too long now. Nor did she any longer soothe her sisters by saying no news was good news. Imogen could be dead for all they prayed for otherwise, either wandering the woods as a Walker, or a pile of bleached bones lying by the side of some unknown road. And if Imogen had met her end out there, then Tess hoped Rick never returned, knowing the knowledge would kill him.
"Anything for me?" Daisy demanded, as she suddenly swung through the doorway, gripping the frame with one hand.
Tess started violently, nearly startled out of her skin, something which was a daily occurrence thanks to Daisy. "For fuck's sake!" she snapped, rounding on her sister. "Would you quit creeping up on me!?"
"Hey, watch your mouth," Kit unexpectedly called over the banister, pointing at Tess with an accusing finger. "You're not too old to get your arse skelped."
Tess did a doubletake, having not realised Kit was in the house. "Where the hell did you spring from?" she said, bewildered.
"Oh, I'm just trying to fix up the door on Claudia's wardrobe – albeit badly," Kit explained, coming down the stairs, "it's practically hanging off its hinges."
"Hey, I was going to do that," Tess snapped, now sorting the letters into small piles, swatting Daisy aside.
"No need," Kit said coolly, "I might not have your mother's magic touch when it comes to DIY, but I'll wing it."
Tess tensed, always hating the way he spoke, as if his sister was in the next room, and not out there. Unbidden, she abrubtly remembered the three of them before the world ended, Kit on his guitar, strumming whilst Imogen sang Moonlight Shadow acapella, Tess clapping her small hands to the melody. "Enough with the talk of arse skelping anyways," she then retorted, handing over an envelope to Daisy, who snatched it from her with a sarcastic sneer before stuffing it into her jean pocket. "Not when I've got a good five inches on you."
"Is that a threat?"
"Just merely pointing out you'd get the worst of it."
"And I am merely exerting my uncle-ly authority," Kit protested, coming over, "despite the height difference."
"OK, three letters for me," Tess reeled off, ignoring him. "One for Judith, probably from Hershel. Uh, a postcard and package for Claudia from Carol and Ezekiel, and a letter for Gracie, which shouldn't even be here. Elijah is seriously losing his touch"
"He was probably too busy mooning over you to realise," Daisy jeered, making kissy-kissy motions with her mouth, causing Tess to lunge at her.
"Aaron and Gracie are coming over for dinner at ours," Kit hurriedly cut in, separating them, "I'll pass it along. Sure you don't want me to save you a plate?"
"No, the girls can go but I'll grab something at the infirmary," Tess said, taking her letters through to the lounge as she barged past Daisy, Kit following at a safe distance. "Now we've got Dr. Davenport on the team, the fridge is now always filled. But I think she pays more attention to her stomach though than the patients sometimes."
"Is she the one with the retro glasses and dyed red hair?"
"Yep," Tess said, sinking down onto the sofa, Kit taking the chair opposite. As she ripped open the first of her letters, Daisy came clattering in again, face now tripping her. "What is it, Margaret?" she sighed without looking up, Daisy's deliberately heavy tread giving her away. "And stop dragging your feet. You sound like a goddamn Walker."
"Well, you know I need new shoes!" Daisy declared with a dramatic toss of her blonde hair, before throwing herself down beside Tess, making the sofa creak in protest. "My trainers are practically falling apart! I look like a – a – a peasant!" She held up both feet for Tess's benefit, but her sister didn't even spare her a second glance.
"No, you don't," Tess said wearily, trying and failing to look over the first page of Carol's letter, before folding it in half, not having the peace to peruse the rest of it. "And your trainers will do for a good while yet. But the heels of your boots are nearly worn down. You'll need to parcel them up for the Friday post so Carl can get them resoled over at the Kingdom."
"We really do need a cobbler here in Alexandria," Kit said, exhaling sharply. "Michonne's had no luck so far on that front though."
"She'll figure something out," Tess said, checking the front of the next envelope, only to see Sophia's slanting cursive.
"Who's that from?" Daisy demanded, craning her neck as Tess then scanned through the second of her letters, brow furrowed.
"Sophia," Tess said abrubtly, before suddenly exploding, crumpling the paper up in her hand. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" she bellowed, startling Daisy this time, Kit seemingly unperturbed. But he was actually secretly alarmed at seeing the shadow of Negan in Tess's furious face. His niece was usually a nervous girl, highly-strung, whilst shying away from conflict. But sometimes he could see the father in the daughter, Tess displaying the same dangerous traits on occasion.
"What is it?" Kit then asked quietly, leaning forwards. "Bad news, I take it?"
"You could say that," Tess said through gritted teeth. "Sophia's pregnant again."
Kit looked shocked. "So soon?" he said in disbelief. "But she's barely got over the last baby!"
"I told her!" Tess snapped, getting to her feet and pacing the patterned carpet. "I goddamn told her! But she obviously didn't listen!"
Daisy snatched up the fallen letter from the sofa, smoothing down its creased pages. "Carl's taking her and the kids to the Commonwealth," she said, her bright blue gaze rapidly skimming the closely packed lines, "he messaged Ezekiel over the radio on the emergency channel. An escort is being sent out – they should have arrived at the Kingdom by now, I think."
"Who's going to oversee the Kingdom though?" Kit demanded, knowing he would have to update Michonne on this unexpected development.
"Eugene," Daisy clarified. "He's travelling with the escort. Sophia's obviously pissed at Carl – she calls him 'an overprotective prick' here." She sniggered as she held up the page, only to stop short at Kit's furious face. "Come on, Uncle Kit," she protested, "you know Carl walks around as if he's got a stick up his ass. But it means no boots for me though, worse luck."
"Fuck your boots," Tess snapped. "But thank God somebody's showing some common sense though," she then spat, snatching the letter from Daisy's fingers, "even if Carl had only shown some self-control in the first place, he wouldn't be in this mess."
"I would hardly call it a mess, Theresa," Kit said sternly. "Carl and Sophia are fully grown adults at the end of the day – even if it does seem a bit soon to have another baby so hot on the heels of the last one. I'm just glad Carl had the foresight though to contact Ezekiel and get the ball rolling."
Tess bit her lip. "Well, the Commonwealth has a good medical set-up," she reluctantly conceded. "Sophia will be in good hands there. If she'd been at the Commonwealth in the first place, maybe she'd have had an easier time of it altogether."
"Did Carol say anything about it in her letter?" Daisy said hurriedly, thinking it wise to change the subject.
"I don't know," Tess said irritably, "I was trying to read it when you came galumphing in, whining about your trainers."
"It doesn't matter anyways," Kit cut in. "As long Sophia is being taken care of, that's all that matters."
Tess just ignored her uncle, sinking back against the sofa instead as she tore open Carl's brief note which had been written the day after Sophia's. If things were different, she could have gone straight to Sophia to support her, but Sophia had ordered her to stay put, saying Tess's sisters needed her more. But Sophia was her sister too, and long before she had become Tess's sister-in-law. Before the world had ended, Sophia and Tess's relationship had been the closest thing to having a sibling that each other had.
Despite everything, they had remained close through the fall of civilization, growing up together until Sophia had slowly grown away from Tess, going where she couldn't follow. Sophia had fallen in love, setting down her weapons to become Carl's wife instead, with three pregnancies following in quick succession. Their first child had been fairly straightforward aside from a bout of severe morning sickness, but Sophia had suddenly miscarried late during her second pregnancy, before taking bad through the whole of her third one.
Now Sophia was pregnant again after barely recovering from before, Tess feeling sick at the thought, knowing she had failed to make Sophia see the danger she was in. But Sophia had changed from the timid girl she had been, turning into a teenager determined to prove herself, before becoming a woman who didn't know the meaning of fear. Yet Tess's trained eye had long since seen Sophia couldn't fight this particular battle, her small slender frame and narrow hips not built for constant childbearing. She had warned both Carl and Sophia that it would be wise to space out the births of their children, and the fewer, the better. Yet Sophia had refused to listen, Carl characteristically giving way to her will.
But as Tess read her stepbrother's words, it seemed Carl was now finally taking control of the situation, overruling Sophia in her desire to stay put at the Kingdom. Yet Carl was implying he was just playing it safe, only mentioning it in passing before waxing on at length about the crops he had planned. What worried Tess most though was not knowing if Carl was acting premptively just to err on the side of caution, having lost his own mother to childbirth, or if it was because Sophia was already perilously close to dangerous territory, beyond anything she had undergone before and he didn't want to alarm them on top of everything else going on. The tone of Sophia's letter was strident, clashing with Carl's closed tones, making it difficult to gauge, although Tess was all too aware of Sophia's irritating tendency to steamroll over everything.
She set down the note with a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. If Daisy was right, the escort should have arrived by now, with the Grimes family hopefully soon on their way to the Commonwealth where Carol could take charge. Sophia needed her family around her, and for once, Carl had done the right thing. Maybe this would make him reconsider his crackpot scheme of rebuilding the Kingdom, Tess having always shared the same opinion with Carol that it was sheer folly. But Carl was cunning, playing on Ezekiel's fondness for his former home, the older man thinking it was wonderful Carl was bringing it back to life.
For the hundredth thousandth time, Tess wished her mother was here. She couldn't be what Imogen was, Tess cut from a completely different cloth. But deep down, Tess knew she maybe didn't want to be her mother either. Imogen thrived on the thrill of the fight, whilst Tess preferred the monotony of peace. Her heart lay in the direction of healing people and making a difference that way. She had no taste for war, having lived through the fall of the world, scarring her from a young age. But her sisters had never known anything else, thinking nothing of settling scores with their fists, Imogen having raised them to always be ready for the fight. Tess had been taught alongside them, but the very thought of violence made her recoil. Only Rick had understood her, having also long since become something he wasn't to survive.
But more than not wanting to be like her mother, Tess didn't want to be a mother. It took all her time right now to take care of her sisters, never mind bringing babies into the equation at some point. But with the world returning to life, everyone seemed to be obsessed with bringing the next generation into being, Carl and Sophia being a case in point. Even Kit and Michonne were planning on having a fourth and final child further down the line, at least a couple of years after Casey, their baby son. Having Elijah sniffing around her also didn't help Tess's anxiety on the subject any either. There had been rumors of an engagement stirring between Elijah and Lydia, only for it to come to nothing. But Tess knew Elijah was looking for another potential wife, having already made it clear he had serious intentions when it came to seeking out a sweetheart. For anyone else, Elijah would be classed as a good catch, steady and reliable, as well as a good fighter and provider. But he just couldn't give Tess what she wanted, that peace of mind that was always just out of her reach.
You lose nothing by living
We have all the time in the time ahead…