Currently, Harry was making his way towards Gringotts Wizarding bank, the answer to all of his problems! No longer would he allow himself to be manipulated by Albus Dumbledore or the horrible Weasley family, THIS Harry Potter had sworn to himself.

The night before Harry had been standing in the kitchen in number 4 Privet Drive making himself a midnight snack (Treacle Tart, his favorite dessert), when out of nowhere he heard the sound of an owl crashing into the kitchen window. So Harry dropped the milk he was holding, it spilled everywhere but who cares about that when you have wizard stuff to be doing, and made his way towards the window to investigate. After he had opened the window and given the bird one of the owl treats that he for some reason carried on him at all times, Harry picked up the letter and read:

Dearest Harry Potter,

If you are reading this letter, then I have sadly passed away. Do not mourn me too much as death is but the next great adventure, and you know how I feel about adventures, pup. However there are some very important things you should know that I sadly couldn't tell you while I was alive. You see after your third year when you helped me escape on Buckbeak's back, I made my way towards Gringotts to access my family's vault. Though I was a criminal at the time it was not a problem as the Goblin nation lives by its own laws, as such I easily managed to enter the Black family vault. But once I was in the vault, which you have now inherited by the way, I saw something that shocked me to my magical core. IT WAS EMPTY! The vault of the greatest family since the Slytherins was empty! All our gold, gone! All our books, gone! All our jewelry, gone! Even the portrait of my great uncle Cygnus Orion Sirius Perseus Hesperus Brian Black VII had been taken. The only thing left in the vault was a single lemon drop sticking to the floor.

I was enraged, I immediately went up to the goblin who had escorted me (a lovely chap named Dungbreath) and demanded to know what had happened. Dungbreath, just as enraged as I was because somebody had stollen from the Goblin nation, lead me towards a huge door that I had never seen before. The door was being guarded by two goblins holding spears and had been warded with notice-me-not charms. Me and Dungbreath were allowed passage through the door and reached a large throne room filled with gold and goblins wearing all sorts of fancy hats called diadems. There I conversed with their king, Ragnok, and we eventually managed the discover what had happened.

Apparently after I had been sent to Azkaban without a trial, not a coincidence I assure you, chief warlock Dumbledore illegally made himself your magical guardian and managed to get control of both the Black family Vault and the Potter family vault (Yes that exists. You didn't think your parents had only left you that little trust vault, did you?). After doing that, Dumbledore set up a contract stating that you had to pay him 100 000 000 galleons per second for being your guardian until the Black family vault was empty. Now he couldn't legally do the same for the Potter vault, so he got more creative. The manipulating old coot set up a marriage contract between yourself and miss Ginevra Molly Weasley that made you pay the entire contents of your vault to the Weasleys as a dowery, and then the Weasleys gave most of the money (not all of it obviously, Molly needs jewelry after all) to Dumbledore because of their sense of loyalty.

After hearing all this, I was furious with Dumbledore. But I had to be smart, I couldn't just confront Dumbledore about it or he would wipe all my memories. So instead I went to my childhood home, Grimmauld Place, and started making a plan of action. But much to my misery, the old goat was one step ahead of me. Once I entered through the threshold of Grimmauld Place, I stumbled upon Albus Dumbledore sitting on a transfigured throne and waiting for me. This Albus looked different from any Albus I had ever seen, he had no twinkle in his eyes and bore an evil smirk. The long bearded twat continued to give a long evil speech about how it was unfortunate that I had learnt about his secrets and I obviously couldn't be trusted to stay quiet about what I had learnt so there really was only one option. Then he took out his wand and used the Silentius Curse on me. This made it so while I could remember all the information I had discovered, I couldn't share it or act upon it. Of course he could have just obliviated me, but being the evil mastermind that he is, he wanted to see me suffer. And so I have lived the rest of my live in constant anger, the only relief being when the Goblins found a loophole that made it so I could share all of this information after my death.

Now you know my story, I hope you will act wisely. Though I implore you to visit Gringotts, pup, as they have a few surprises ready for you. With that in mind, I have also sent you a book on the customs and culture of the Goblin nation.

I'll see you in the afterlife, pup

Sirius Orion Black IV

Harry read his deceased godfather's letter and slowly felt his stomach filling with rage. How dare Dumbledore do this to him? After all Harry had done for him. Harry had been his golden boy, his pet golden retriever to solve all of his problems. Harry had helped Dumbledore keep his job on numerous occasions. There had even been that one time when Harry had shared his gum with him. But Dumbledore thought it okay do this to him? Harry Potter was furious and his magic was lashing out everywhere it could reach, an entire box of eggs exploded adding to the mess the spilt milk had already created.

Another thing that annoyed the teenager was the nickname that his godfather had given him. Pup? PUP? That was ridiculous, harry wasn't a dog you know. If anything Harry was a lion, so why not call him cub? But pup? No this Harry could not tolerate.

Filled with righteous anger, Harry spent the rest of the night reading the fascinating book Sirius had left him on Goblin customs. He only stopped reading once he heard his aunt Petunia's scream indicating that she had discovered the state of the kitchen. He figured that was as good a time as any to make his escape and visit Gringotts.

So it was that Harry was now walking towards Gringotts Wizarding bank, only stopping to buy a large black cloak that Madame Malkin insisted would made him appear more lordlike.

Harry entered the bank and immediately went towards an available teller and said: 'May thy successful investments make socialists cry tears of agony'.

'What the fuck did you just say?', said a bewildered goblin.

'No no no, you do realize you're supposed to answer my greeting with 'May thine enemies step on Legos and their wives break their hips from thine own powerful pelvic thrusts'', responded a confused Harry. How could a goblin not know their own greeting? Maybe they had dropped out of the Lorax' school of Goblin etiquette that his book mentioned? Yes that must be it.

'Excuse me, did you just say what I think you just said? Security seize this man at once!, said the shocked goblin teller.

'Oh there's no need for that', answered Harry, surprised that the goblin would go so far to cover up his own lack of etiquette, 'how about this, we'll ignore your own inadequacy and skip the greetings. Let's just get to business, I hear you have something to tell me.'

'My inadequacy, oh you little fucker', said the enraged goblin behind the counter, 'and why would I have something to tell you? I'm not your parents about to tell you you're adopted!'

Harry was a little confused but decided 'adopted' must mean something else in Gobbledygook and said: 'Oh you must not know who I am. It is I, Lord Hadrian Iacomus Potter-Black, son of Iacomus and Lilith Potter, and rightful heir to house Black.'

The goblin behind the counter took a deep breath and grounded out: 'Mister Harry Potter, if this is your idea of some kind of joke I request you to stop now. Gringotts Wizarding Bank has nothing to discuss with you at this moment so simply make a withdrawal from your vault or leave the premises.'

Harry was in disbelief, Sirius had implicitly stated that the Goblins were waiting to talk with him but now this teller was telling him otherwise. Something fishy was going on here, that the raven haired boy was sure of! He could only see two logical reasons for what was going on here: 1, the goblin he was talking too wasn't high enough up in the goblin hierarchy to know about Dumbledore's manipulations. Or the more likely option: 2, the goblin behind the counter was actually Albus Dumbledore in a polyjuice disguise. 'Yes that must be it', thought Harry, 'this is exactly the type of thing the cunning old headmaster would do'. But what could Harry do now? The last thing he wanted was Dumbledore to know that he, Harry, was on to him, so he had to act like everything was normal until he could use his knowledge to garner an advantage.

'Well mister goblin, it appears you are wrong. But do not worry, I do not hold you accountable for your lack of knowledge on top secret data and all your questions can be solved if you simply bring me to king Ragnok VI.'

'King… Ragnok', all the goblins in hearing distance roared with laughter.

Not exactly the response Harry had expected but alright Dumbledore had always been an eccentric man.

'Well chop chop, I have other things to do as well you know,' spoke an increasingly frustrated Harry.

'Of course you do milord', agreed the goblin, who was strangely enough smiling,' I'll bring you to his grace Ragnok immediately.'

'Let Ragnok sort this rubbish out', added the goblin in a tone only he could hear.

Harry followed the goblin to the back of the large room where they stopped in front of a big white door. 'This is it', thought an extremely excited teen, 'the door Sirius was talking about'.

The door itself was made from large white marble, had a copper doorknob and strangely enough a large sign saying 'toilets. For a seconds Harry just stood still and stared confusedly at the sign but then it hit him, this must be one of the wards Sirius mentioned!

Now his godfather had stated that Harry wouldn't be expecting what he saw behind the door and… Merlin was he was right. Throne rooms, treasure rooms, a dining hall or even some sort of underground society Harry could have dealt with. Merlin, the raven haired boy was even prepared to see a SECOND door. But this he had not expected. Behind the door saying 'toilets' was much to his shock an actual TOILET! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Harry certainly could not, what trickery of Dumbledore was this?

'Stay calm Harry', he muttered to himself, 'this will all turn out just fine'.

The teller that had brought him there bowed to another goblin and said: 'I present to you king Ragnok of the Goblin nation.'

King Ragnok was a small goblin with tufts of white hair coming out of all of his orifices, he had a large bald spot on the top of his head, and he was carrying a large stick that looked somewhat like a plunger.

'Must be a staff', thought Harry while he himself was bowing.

'King Ragnok, it is the greatest honor to meet you. May thy blood be so thick it could unblock showers and thy fungus so large it could feed a family of four', announced the young teen in an utterly serious voice. Harry knew that to the untrained ear his greeting must sound weird but an expert like himself knew that this was the proper greeting for a goblin king.

King Ragnok took one look at him, opened his mouth, then closed it again and finally fainted.

'Ah yes, I should've seen this coming', said the bespectacled boy, 'Most goblins are so shocked when they hear a wizard addressing them in the proper way that it sometimes causes fainting. But I am not like other wizards, I truly am the greatest wizard to have ever wizarded.'

'Wasn't that Merlin?', asked the bemused goblin teller.

'Ah well he's my ancestor so I must of inherited it from him, of course you already knew that didn't you', responded Hadrian with a sly smile.

'Well I guess since Merlin lived 1000 years ago and had at least 23 kids that we know of, most wizards would be descended from him', shrugged the goblin.

'Yes well we both know I'm his one tru- WAIT A SECOND! DID YOU SAY HE HAD 23 KIDS!', shouted the teen in shock.

'Of course', nodded the goblin wisely, 'everybody knows Merlin was quite the womanizer. Merlin may have loved magic but he loved women more! And not only human women, we goblins all know of his affair with Snarkfanny. So hey, I could be his descendant too!', grinned the teller.

Harry took one breath and then promptly fainted.

20 minutes later Harry woke up in the same dingy bathroom throne room he had fainted in and saw the goblin teller looking down at him.

'Damn, you're awake already', huffed the small being.

'Yeah', said Harry, 'why are you so upset about it?'

'My supervisor told me I could take a break while watching you for as long as you slept,' responded the goblin.

'Supervisor?', said Harry a tad perturbed, 'don't you mean king?'

'Again with the king bullshit', groaned the goblin, 'this is an international corporation, not a fucking monarchy!'

'That can't be right', whined Harry, 'the book says otherwise.'

Harry potter was starting to get annoyed, he'd had a lot of patience for these people but they just weren't helping. He'd come in here, used the proper titles and greetings, attempted to educate an employee, clearly given hints that anybody above the age of 5 would understand (well maybe not Ronald, he is truly an idiot), and what had he gotten for it? Slander about his ancestor and a whole bunch of nothing.

'Err what book?', said a now confused goblin

'You know, The Goblin book of Gobliny customs', said the young teen, 'it's an utterly helpful book that describes all about goblin society and their respective goblins. It's really helped me better understand the Goblin Nation and their ways. Like did you know goblins have a breakfast drink made of the tears of pregnant women? I certainly didn't.'

'What the fuck are you talking about? That book is all wrong, there's no such thing as a goblin nation or greeting', said the bemused goblin, 'Who gave you that book?'

'My godfather, Sirius Black of course. I believe he made sure I would get this after a meeting with king Ragnok VI, I also believe the king has some information to tell,' answered Harry confidently.

After that statement Harry heard a loud thump and turned around to see King Ragnok had fainted once more. 'Huh, must have an iron deficiency', thought the young teen.

'Let me get this straight, you think Gringotts Wizarding Bank has housed the deceased criminal Sirius Black without the Ministry's knowledge? Is that an accusation Mister Potter?', said a now growling teller.

Harry, not being able to read the room, corrected:' it's lord Potter-Black! Although with your assistance I hope to make that lord Potter-Black-Peverell-Gryffindor-Slytherin-Merlin-Gaunt-Ravenclaw-Batman-Hufflepuf-Greengrass-Obama soon.'

'Bloody hell this is going to be a lot of paperwork, why are you accusing Gringotts of committing this crime?,' said the goblin, clearly frustrated.

'Accusing you?', harry repeated confusedly, 'I'm doing no such thing, it's common knowledge that Gringotts is a state of its own and follows a different set of rules so you can therefore meet with escaped convicts.'

'LIKE HELL IT IS', shouted the goblin, 'that's more bullshit from that book of yours!'

'Okay', answered Harry diplomatically, 'there's obviously some sort of misunderstanding going on over here, let's just talk this out together. First off, what is your problem with my book?'

The goblin teller took a long, deep breath and responded: 'There's no such thing as a Goblin nation! Gringotts Wizarding bank is a corporation, not a monarchy! We have no mysterious goblin king, running this institution behind the scenes. In fact our leader isn't even a goblin, just some prick CEO called Jeff who uses goblins for cheap labor. And we definitely never housed a criminal on the run like you're suggesting. This is a bank for goodness sake, not some type of sanctuary! Whoever sent you that book, sent it as a prank because it's all lies! Well except for the tears of pregnant women part, I'm not quite sure how they discovered that…'

'My godfather would never prank me!,' shouted an outraged Harry Potter, 'he's a serious man for goodness sake. Its literally his name, how much more serious can somebody get?'

'Really,' responded the unimpressed teller, 'notorious prankster Sirius Black would never prank someone?'

'No!', responded the stubborn teen.

'Show me that book of yours!'

After Harry had reluctantly handed over "The Goblin book of Gobliny customs", the goblin continued: 'Written by Mike Cock, well we really can't argue with such an esteemed author, now can we?'

'See!,' responded the raven haired boy eagerly, 'I knew you'd come to your senses eventually.'

'I was being sarcastic you dumb twat!', said the goblin calmly.

'How dare you insult me!', responded an enraged Harry Potter, 'you have stolen my honor! I demand a Wizards' Duel in retribution. Meet me tomorrow at sunrise at a location of your choice.'

'Fine', countered the teller easily, 'I choose the Colosseum. Don't be late.'

'Oh don't you worry', answered Harry, 'I won't.'

And so Harry found himself leaving the bank with a newly found sense of determination. Sure Dumbledore may have won this round and stopped him from speaking to the goblins but he could only be stalled for so long. One day the old coot would make an error, and when that day came he would be ready. Of that Harry Iacomus Potter-Black was sure of.