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Chapter 4: Tears and Bliss

Jasper's P.O.V (idk the time.. I'm plastered.)

Well.. Monty just left our tent.. Cool.. Now I'm left alone with my thoughts. Let's see.. Where to start? Oh I know! Maya. She was so great man.. Sweet, pretty, smart… She turned her back on her entire home, her OWN people, just to help us, and what does she get in return? She gets dead. I didn't think I deserved her and I guess I was right. Yeah sure I only knew her for a short amount of time but I know she was the one. I just know it.. I didn't get much action on the Ark as far as girls go. Yeah I had my friends but I only had one girlfriend.. In grade 6.. I'm not like Bellamy or Finn.. Or hell even Lincoln.. I'm not this handsome hunk with big ol muscles. All I've ever really had is my height. Girls barely gave me a glance so when Maya came along and liked me for me I just… I can't believe she's gone. Now let's talk about Clarke for a second.. The 'hero' the 'princess'. Name one movie or story where the hero kills hundreds of innocent lives to save others. You can't.. they ALWAYS find another way. I keep trying to tell myself that she did what she had to do but I just.. I can't. There HAD to have been a way to save even just Maya.

Nate Miller walked in bringing me back to the present.

"Hey man." He sounded cautious.

"Hey." Was all I said, taking a swig of rum after, and by the way.. HOLY CRAP. Who knew 200 year old rum was so damn good?

"How you doing?" He asked sitting on Monty's bed beside me.

"How does it look I'm doing Miller?" I asked maybe a little ruder than I intended but I don't care. He took in how I looked; Rolled up on my pillow cradling the bottle like I was holding on to it to keep me from floating off the ground.

"Right… I'm sorry ma-"

"Do you think Clarke did the right thing?" I asked interrupting him.

"Well.. We're all here aren't we?" I turned my tired glance from the bottle to him. I did not look impressed. "I mean.. You, me, Monty, Harper. Almost everyone Jasper."

"Yeah.. almost." He moved over to me and sat on the edge of my bed.

"Jasper I came here to tell you.. I think what you did in that mountain was.. Incredible. The way you took charge, the way you led everyone.. You gave us hope man. That counts for something." I scoffed after he said that and unballed myself to sit up and put my hand on his shoulder.

"I tried." I said with a fake smile then got up, still holding the bottle.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"For a walk."

"Don't do anything stupid Jasper. Remember you're loved."

"Yeah yeah." I said, swatting my hand behind me.

I walked out the tent. It was cold but I was too hammered to care. I heard Monty in the distance yell "GUYS!" so i decided to go there. When I walked around the food preparation tent I saw them.. The princess, the knight, the blacksmith, the jester and… Monty. For some reason the Jester was on the other side of the fence… alright I'll stop using medieval metaphors. None of them seemed to see me because I was in the dark so I moved a little closer to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"-don't know. He doesn't seem very.. Stable." I heard Bellamy say.

"Yeah because of me." Clarke said looking down.

"He knows you did what you had to Clarke." Monty said putting a hand on her arm.

"I killed h-"

"My one true shot at love?" I interrupted from behind them and they all turned around. I was furious and upset which I'm normally not. Clarke looked like she winced.

"Fuck.." I heard Murphy half whisper from behind the fence.

"Boy do I have something to say…" I started.

"Jasper.." Monty said like a accusing parent.

"Can it Monty." Was all I said and he looked down pissed.

"Clarke, how does it feel that you killed hundreds of people?" I asked as if I just asked her simply how her day was.

"I…" her voice broke a bit and it made me feel kinda bad for a second.. Only a second. Then Bellamy spoke up.

"Jasper back off it wasn't only Clarke okay? It was me as well."

"Yeah.. and her." I said motioning my head to Raven, she just looked down. My attention turned to Murphy now.

"Oh wow you're quiet for once eh? That's a first."

"Watch it Jordan." Was all Murphy said.. I'm taller than him but I don't think I could beat him in a fight so I just backed off.

"Jasper. I know you're hurting right now but you still have to remember who your friends are." Bellamy stated and I looked down taking in the words for a second. Then my eyes turned to Monty. Looking at me like I was someone he'd never met before.

"I just…" I dropped the bottle suddenly feeling too weak to hold it. My throat tightened up and all I could get out was "I..lo-ved her." Before I crashed to my knees and started sobbing. The tears running out of my eyes like the dam at Mount Weather. Shortly after I started bawling I felt arms wrap around me and a head on my shoulder. It was definitely a girl from the long hair tickling my arms. I looked up for a second to see that it was thankfully Raven and not Clarke comforting me. Clarke didn't have the right to. I dropped my head to her shoulder and let my pools of sadness build up on her shirt.

Bellamy's P.O.V (4am)

Jasper calmed down after letting out all his emotions on Ravens shoulder. We just finished telling him our plan because.. Monty wants him to come and.. I guess I'd understand why he wouldn't want to be here anymore. Similar to Clarke and I, seeing the faces of everyone we saved would remind him of Mayas sacrifice to get them here. I'm just worried he's never going to get over it.. And that he's going to resent Clarke and I forever.

"So you're all leaving?" He asked.

"Yep.. that's what we said like thirty times.." Murphy said from behind the fence.

"Sounds like a suicide plan…" He said and we all nodded.

"It won't be easy." I stated.

"I'm in!" He screamed happily and then chuckled. The five of us exchanged looks of confusion.

"Are you sure? We could die.." Raven said.

"Yo Raven chiiiill you guys already got me sold don't need to make it better!" We were all.. Very confused.

"Well alright then." Clarke said.

"Wait… she's coming?" He asked, sounding like a child. Clarke looked down sadly so I put a comforting hand on her back and rubbed between her shoulder blades. Jasper was not going to make this easy..

"Yes Jasper.. It was her idea." Monty said. Jasper just shrugged.

"Fine.. seems worth it. Find me when you guys are ready to go or if you need help with something." He said as he walked off.

"Will do.." I answered even though he probably couldn't hear me. Once Jasper was out of sight Murphy broke the silence.

"Are we sure bringing him is a good idea? He doesn't seem right.. Like what if he tries to kill Clarke?" He sounded serious but in a joking way but hey.. That's Murphy for ya…

"He's not going to kill Clarke, Murphy." Monty stated and then there was more silence.

"We should all get some sleep. Tomorrows going to be a big day." I said and everyone agreed.

"Wake me up when you're ready to go." Murphy said laying down behind the rock, only his legs sticking out from it. We all dispersed to our tents for the night. All of us probably thinking about whatever the hells going to happen tomorrow.

I made it to my tent and sat on my bed before slipping my boots off. I already started thinking about what I'm going to do tomorrow.. First I'm going to talk to Lincoln hopefully to find out that there's some place we could go… a sort of sanctuary for the six of us to start our new lives. If Clarkes plan works, which I'm not so sure about but I trust Clarke, then I'm going to make sure we only take one or two guns. I don't want to take more than we need from Camp Jaha because, contrary to what we're going to tell them, we're not coming back. I heard some feet outside so I stood up ready for anything. The flap peeled back and there was Clarke. I raised an eyebrow at her before asking,

"Clarke? What's up?"

"I just…" she clenched her fists at her sides. "I don't want to be alone tonight. Not after what I did." I walked up to her, only leaving a small space between us and rested my hand between her shoulder and her neck.

"What we did. I understand. I feel the same way." My heart was racing as she did a quick half smile and took her jacket off throwing it down on mine. I finished taking my other boot off and laid down leaving room for her. She took her boots off and laid down right up against me so we were spooning. I don't know why.. I mean I left her enough room. I didn't think much of it so I just wrapped an arm around her waist and smiled to myself. Trying not to get a boner in the process, which is pretty hard to do when you have a perfectly good ass up against you.

I was just about to fall asleep but was woken up out of it.

"Hey Bellamy?"

"Hmm" was all I said in response. She uncurled herself from my grasp. Making the front part of my body freezing cold, begging for her warmth again. She looked at me and said,

"Thank you. For not letting me do it alone." She gave me a smile and I returned it.

"Of course princess, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat." After I said that she wrapped an arm around me and laid her head on my chest. My arm was still around her waist so I pushed her closer and that's how we fell asleep. Pure bliss was all that I felt. That is.. Until tomorrow.. Where everything changes.

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