A/N: Thanks to all those that still bother to check if I update lol I know the feeling all too well Dx no but seriously, I'm going to finish this story if its the last thing I do. No rushing, of course. I take my time...as you can see :P no but I'm sorry for that really :( I won't go beyond the unthinkable...which is like half a year. That's just horrible.

About three years ago, I wrecked my father's car.

It was his prized possession. It was also the one thing that made him happier than his wife. There are more reasons why mom left dad but his Dodge Viper was just the cherry on top of the shit sundae that was their marriage.

So when dad found out that his car was trashed, he fell into a downward spiral for a month straight. I never saw a man so pathetic in my life. He was more devastated over it than the failure of his own marriage. And for that, I felt that I had no choice but to prolong my lies. The police had no leads, hardly any crime happened in our neighborhood. And the car was so bad that evidence was hardly available to find a culprit.

Miki and I trashed it against a pole and sunk it into the river. Dad never kept anything but cigarettes and condoms in that car. And I hardly touched it enough to leave anything of mine behind. So all in all, I got lucky.

I will never feel guilt for what I did. I hardly ever do for anyone nowadays but Lily and Miki make me otherwise. But, right now, I can't help but hate myself for it.

Kaito's friends were right. I'm not even inside and I can already tell that Luka's parties are the best; one reason being that her front yard is the size of an ordinary suburban home. It distances itself far enough from the neighbors to be at peace. Vehicles sweep the front yard, from muscle cars to modern sedans. Some are parked in the middle of the massive lawn and over the pathway to the entrance. Not that Luka would care anyway. I bet she's too busy to even notice that I've arrived. I didn't tell her I would. This was a last minute decision, a result from a stupid but bound fight.

Everybody lies and that includes my best friend.

I don't think there's such thing as being one hundred percent honest. I think lying is in our nature. And while some lie to protect themselves or others, there's lying to gain and deceive. I can't tell what Miki was trying to do. Either way, I'm hurt.

For the first time, I felt that she chose someone over me. Lily said it wasn't what it seemed. They didn't fuck. Just a harmless make out session between a heartbroken mess and a hormonal teenage girl. I'm surprised they didn't but eventually it would lead to that. I just know it. And apparently I have no say if Miki decides to pursue the blonde. I can't stop her from wanting Lily, even if it's the worst possible time to chase after her.

**FLASHBACK**

I said it too many times before and it still has yet to make sense to Miki Furukawa.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

I'm angry but most of all, I'm disappointed. It's a familiar scene between me and my best friend. She fucks up, I scold her, she says something, and I flip out. Only this time, I don't think the usual result will follow.

"Do you even hear yourself right now?!"

Miki scoffs.

"Oh c'mon, Miku!" she adds, "There's no other way to put it. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I want to be used. SO WHAT?"

"Like a fucking tool? The same way I use toilet paper to wipe my ass!"

"For fuck sakes! You just HAVE to go there, huh?"

We've been at it back and forth, over a horrible decision made by best friend, one that I can't stand even thinking about for one second. And for that, I'm using every ounce of logic I can think of.

"It's the way I see it, Miki!"

"Yeah, the way YOU see it but what about how I see it?"

"Oh please, do tell!" I sarcastically add, "Does it involve a unicorn and rainbow flying out of your ass?"

"What is it about you and comparing asses to this?!"

"It's the only way I can see it, Miki!"

She groans and reaches for a pillow. Her muffled scream adding to the thick tension surrounding us. Miki is struggling to continue this conversation. She knows I won't leave until she's thinking right for once. In fact, she starts to beg.

"Miku, please, I thought about it, believe me."

"Doesn't seem that way to me," I scoff, "You're just being horny."

"Oh please, look who's talking! This took time to think about, not like you and Luka."

The truth stings and I struggle to stand my ground. I forget that Miki doesn't know that Luka and I have been continuously fooling around. It just never came up. I've been waiting for the right moment but now, the lag has taken its toll.

It's then that I realize that I really can't say much. What Luka and I have, compared to us, Miki and Lily sound more functional as a couple.

"Shit, sorry, that's not how I meant it, Miku."

Bless Miki. She apologizes when I don't deserve it. I have to tell her.

"No, I get it."

"No! Seriously, I shouldn't have said that! I'm-

"Miki, wait I-

"I'm such a shitty friend for saying that, real-

Her guilt is undeserving to me.

"I've been having sex with Luka."

Miki's eyes widen, her silence becoming so painful that I let myself drown in words.

"I've been meaning to tell you but it just never felt right, like she isn't important enough for you to know about. She's somebody that doesn't deserve my best friend to acknowledge. You mean too much to me to just let her become that familiar with-

She starts to laugh, a humorous smile stretching her lips as I confusedly stare at her.

"Oh my god," she adds, "And you're telling me that I can't do the same with Lily?"

"It's not the same!" I counter.

Miki laughs even harder. At this point, I can only be angry.

"I like Lily and I want to have sex with Lily. You like Luka and you want to have sex with Luka."

"Not anymore!"

She continues to laugh, the sound humiliating me enough to voice my rage.

"At least I wasn't fucking somebody that's still in love with her ex!"

SHIT.

I just fucked up.

Miki stops laughing. I start to wish she still was because next thing I know, she demands me to leave. And in the most polite tone she could muster.

"Get the fuck out."

My voice breaks.

"Miki, I didn't mean that."

"Then you wouldn't have said it."

She rushes past me and swings the door open.

"I'm only going to say it one more time," she says, "GET. THE. FUCK. OUT."

"Miki-

"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!"

No one else but Miki and I are in the Furukawa residence. And for that reason, I need to fix this in the little time I have.

She practically scratches me when I try to pull her in for a hug. It almost burns, from the wetness of her tears to the red marks marring my arms. She doesn't want me near her while she's crying, let alone pissed off. But I'm so desperate to fix the only stable relationship I have in my life that I'm willing to struggle.

"I'M SO SO SO FUCKING SORRY, MIKI!"

I'm sobbing with her as she continuously tries pushing me to the ground.

"MIKU! GET OUT!"

We fall together, me still clutching onto while she screams in my ear.

"LET ME GO!"

"NO!"

She groans in frustration.

"FOR FUCK SAKES!"

I don't know how long it really took, maybe an hour, possibly even two. My embrace is limp yet Miki doesn't push me away. We remain on the ground, unmoving as time seems to be between us.

Then she finally speaks.

"Miku, please."

My eyes widen as I struggle to take in the feebleness in my best friend's voice. She's vulnerable, she's hurt, she's angry, but most of all, she's fed up.

"Go away."

Miki was heartbroken and I had to hurt her to finally realize it.

I'm a horrible fucking person.

I can't stop her from seeing Lily. And even though the blonde promises her nothing, Miki is willing to be used. I tried to talk her out of pursuing Lily. Instead, I pulled a low blow on my best friend. Now she wants space and I'm struggling to accept that I can't contact her until she's ready.

I still love you Miku but I'm hurt. I don't want to be alone. I want to be left alone.

It's seems like the millionth time I read her text. She quotes Audrey Hepburn at the end. It carves itself into my mind, a warning but also an understandable statement that I need to oblige.

I don't want to be alone. I want to be left alone.

I get it. Only it hurts to swallow that it's me she needs to step away from for the time being. In the meantime, it kills me that Lily can comfort her.

The day after, I felt no need to confront the blonde. It wouldn't do any good if I did anyway. I couldn't hit her, I couldn't yell at her, I simply just couldn't act out my frustration. It would just add to Miki's disappointment over me. So I could do nothing more but progress through the day like a lifeless zombie. It was only a matter of time before someone bothered to ask.

"Hey Miku, you sure you're okay?"

Despite Rin's genuine concern, there was little I could confess.

"Just a bad day," I said.

She was skeptical all the while, Cul couldn't agree more.

"It sure is. I think it's like that for everyone today. Did you see Ritsu? I saw her talking to Luka in the locker rooms. Didn't look so good, I tell ya'."

"What happen?"

Rin acts up again, a familiar suspicious attempt to hide her concern over the odd redhead.

"Not too sure, Luka didn't look too happy and Ritsu walked off like a dog with its tail between its legs."

The petite blonde didn't say much after that. And as blunt and uninterested as I seemed, I made a note to mention Rin's concern another time. Whatever Ritsu and Rin have is too suspicious to pass by, especially when they act equally guilty. I don't have time to play Sherlock for now though. Especially when I know I have Lily to deal with.

There are two sides to every story. Maybe Miki didn't exactly tell me everything.

"You want to talk, pigtails?"

She reminds me that we're still friends, that she has my back no matter what. It's hard to consider it, especially when all I want to do is get to the point.

"Miki and I aren't talking for now."

"Fuck, I'm so sorry to hear that."

"Don't be. It's between me and her. She made sure I see it that way. She doesn't want me making it worse."

It took so much to simply stand before the blonde without lifting a fist. We have a deal ourselves and all I wanted to do was scream that it isn't fair. First Luka and now I have to stay away from Miki. It was bullshit.

"If anything, it's just makes things even harder between us, Lily."

The blonde knew where I was going.

"It's hard enough keeping my distance from Luka but now Miki?"

"I didn't ask for that," she said.

"Oh, but you just happen to be behind that as well."

"Listen, I never wanted you two to fight. Maybe I can-

"There's nothing you can do, Lily! You're not the one who fucked up here! I was the one who said some horrible shit to her! I matter the most here! I'm the one that really hurt her here! And for that, it's me that has to suffer! All you are to Miki is some wishful fantasy bullshit she wants to try at and I can't do anything about it!"

A sympathetic look for the blonde and that's all it took.

"I've never pissed her off this bad, Lily."

I was scared. Scared that I ruined Miki and I, scared that she would hold it against me that I hurt her at her most vulnerable, I was completely petrified.

"I can't handle this guilt. I want to make things right so bad. I want to talk to her. I just want to fix this so fucking bad, Lily!"

I must have looked so pathetic that Lily felt the need to embrase me in her arms. I let her. Her tall frame held my fragile state. I was crying with the desperate need to feel that it was all going to be okay. Miki just needed time. She wasn't going to leave me. I'm important to her. I care about her and she cares about me. We wouldn't let something like us die overnight…would we?

The doubts nearly suffocated me. And as much as I was going to regret it, I had to pull Lily further in. Her comfort felt good. Warmth over me, blonde locks cascaded around my shoulders, it all felt good.

"I know," Lily whispered, "but believe me, you two will patch up."

"How can you be so sure?" I sniffed.

The blonde sighed.

"Miku, there's something you should know."

There was a lot more that Miki forgot to mention. I don't think she intended to ever let me know anyway. Not anytime soon at least. What's even stranger was that the complete opposite was actually in order between the blonde and her.

"I want to date Miki. I didn't know now how you would take it so Miki and I decided to keep it a secret. Eventually I was going to tell you. I just had a hard time not imagining you kicking me in the face. I just thought that I could get over Luka if I actually tried to be with someone I really liked. Well, I really like Miki so why not ask her out and see what happens? I guess she was so serious about keeping it a secret that she made up the complete opposite."

I didn't understand why Miki avoided telling me that. I was so fucking confused. In the end though, there was only one way I could really see it.

My best friend had lied to me.

Now I find myself more pissed off than guilty over our fight. In fact, I'm also jealous…jealous of Lily Masuda.

I know the blonde means no harm but I can't think straight over all these boundaries. First Luka and now Miki, I can't handle it. And so I'm entering dangerous grounds just to get over one.

Miki.

If it weren't for Avanna, I wouldn't have decided so. A horrible driver but a caring person, the brunette even offered to give me a ride home in her brand new beamer. Typical of Luka's friends are the expensive cars they own.

"Luka mentioned you a lot today."

Avanna was open with her friend's discussions.

"I think you're the only freshman that's really invited to her party tonight. Most people that going are a bunch of college students."

"Is that how it usually is at Luka's?"

"Well, when her boyfriend is invited, yes."

My heart sank. A horrible piercing pain followed. No fucking way did I hear right.

"Ex-boyfriend I mean." Avanna quickly added," Sorry, I got mixed up there."

I couldn't help but sigh in relief. The possibility of Luka being with anyone but me, it was petrifying.

SHIT.

I like her that much.

"No but seriously you should go. Oh my god! You should come with me!"

It was tempting, really it was. I was in a crappy mood and it didn't sound so bad letting go. Even if it was at Luka's, I could see myself having a good time. I just had to keep my distance…and a secret.

It sounded like a good idea but I struggled to decide. That is, until I saw Miki again. Living in the same neighborhood meant a bound encounter. She was throwing out the trash when we crossed. I had just exited out of Avanna's car and for the first time, Miki ignored me. I didn't think a two second glance could be so painful. Even Avanna noticed the awkward tension.

"The hell crawled up her butt and died?"

"I'm going."

"What?"

"I said I'm going."

The brunette smiled.

"Hell yeah you are!"

I didn't give it much thought after that. I lied to my dad that Luka would be tutoring me tonight, an idea he greatly approved of.

"Maybe she could come over someday and do it here."

It was difficult not to openly gag at his suggestion. He was so oblivious. Academics are a no brainer for me, a fact that he forgot about over the years.

"Yeah, yeah, don't wait up for me."

It was a phrase that I was most familiar with by my father. Now the tables had turned. I was not giving a shit for the night, willing to drown my problems just as my dad prefers to do. Dear god, I really just compared my dad to myself. I really am in shit now.

And it was about to get deeper.

Not even a minute into the party and I get the urge to leave. It was outdoors and despite the breeze, it was quickly replaced with the intense heat radiating from drunken horny young people. A DJ mixed some beats by the spacious pool side. A crowd covered the neon-blue lit dancefloor, red cups of liquor and hands in the air as they swayed to the music. I had the urge to join in. I always liked dancing, probably even more than singing.

"I swear if I hear 'Hotline Bling' one more time I will throw my shoe at the DJ!"

"He's not so bad," I shrugged.

"Well, we need some deep house in this bitch. Luka should know better."

The brunette didn't hesitate to pull me along. Meanwhile, I took the opportunity to observe Luka's impressive estate. The backyard was far grander than I imagined. And despite the great amount of attendees, there was just enough space to breathe. That is, until we got to the dance floor.

"I'm gonna give the DJ a few words!' Avanna called back.

The DJ was so engrossed with the synching beats that it took a while for him to notice the hollering brunette. Just as I laughed at Avanna's frustration, I noticed a particular duo approach the stage. The sight couldn't be any more unbearable.

Luka and Gakupo.

Luka wasn't lying when she said she was inviting him. What I didn't expect though was the painful closeness they were sharing. In fact, if I didn't know any better, they seemed like a couple. Gakupo attempted to hold her from behind as she whispered into the DJ's ear. I bet it was regarding Avanna's hollering presence. All was confirmed when he signaled the brunette to get on stage. Avanna jumped with glee.

"Let's go!" she beamed.

I was quick to decline.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

Just like that, I regretted arriving here in the first place. With Miki on my mind and now a heart-wrenching sight to worsen it all, I was ready to leave.

"I don't feel so good."

Avanna frowned and a guilt trip began.

"You just got here. What's wrong? Don't tell me you're sick."

"I don't like the music."

It was a random excuse but it was enough to give me a chance to slip from Avanna's sight.

"Hold on! I'll get him to play something good!"

The second her hand slipped from mine, I backed into the crowd. It was a blur at that point, a cold and dead moment of simply standing in the middle of careless swaying bodies. I don't know how long I was there for but it felt slow and painful as I let it all sink in. I felt so tired, too tired to cry and too tired to give a shit.

I just wanted to go home.

Suddenly, I was met with eyes brighter than the lights below. Kaito was quick to lead me out of the dance floor. He had noticed my strange behavior. I guess I was standing there for far too long.

"Are you okay, Miku?"

He looked into my eyes, a worried expression as I stared back at him.

"Miku?"

I shook my head, an attempt to snap out of the intense melancholy I just experienced.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You didn't take anything, right?"

I shook my head once more.

"No, I just got here."

Another few silent seconds between us and Kaito finally softened his features.

"I'm fine, really," I added, "I'm just…not used to this, I guess."

"Yeah, I don't know half these people. They're mostly college students. Most are from Gakupo's fraternity and some sorority girls."

Just hearing his name made me see red. In fact, I was tempted to hurt him, to walk toward him and punch him straight in the fucking throat. And I would look down at him and tell him I fucked his girlfriend.

Good god, I want nothing more but to hurt him.

"Miku?"

Shit. I blanked out once more.

"Hm, yeah?"

Kaito was more than sure now that I was lying now. He must have noticed my death glare toward the pair across from me. They were too close. Gakupo was too fucking close to Luka.

My Luka.

"SHIT."

I couldn't take it. Cursing out my frustration wouldn't do much but it at least kept me from hurting someone. There was only thing I could think of that would probably help.

"You wanna dance?"

I was desperate and Kaito was more than willing to share a moment with me. I led him through the crowd, hand in hand before deciding on the perfect spot. The music filled me, a hunger to finally let go drove me. The perfect timing to drown in delicious sound, it was all I needed right now. And it was just about to get better.

Deep house as Avanna promised faded into a synch of beats.

(A/N: Sky Ferreira - Everything Is Embarrassing (Krystal Klear Remix)

It started off the slow. The bass pounded at my chest, the sway of my hips followed its rhythm before the drop.

Everything and nothing always haunts me

I know you're trying, I know you're trying

Waiting for your moment to fall on me

I saw you trying, I saw you trying

Adrenaline filled me all the while a familiar pain returned.

Maybe if you let me be your lover

Maybe if you tried then I would not bother

Telling me that basically you're not looking out for me

Everything is true to me, never words where you would see

Maybe if you let me be your lover

Maybe if you tried then I would not bother

Despite his willingness, Kaito seemed hesitant to initiate any physical contact. So I increased our proximity, an action that made him flinch. He became flushed as I wrapped his hands around my waist. I swayed against him, his tall stature stiff as a rock as I moved with ease. I made a mental note never to ask him to dance again. He was terribly bad at it.

"Don't tell me you can't dance!" I hollered.

"I can. You're just too much for me I guess."

He smiled and I laughed. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, a sick thought occurred.

What would happen if Luka saw me like this?

I imagined the possibilities, all the while keeping my body close and tight with the jock. He was a fast learner, a skill that I had to congratulate him on.

"You're pretty good at this!"

"What?"

"I said you're pretty good at this!"

"Sorry! What?"

I shook my head. The music was far louder now. But before I could speak into the jock's ear, I felt a force collide against us.

I stumbled back before realizing what had just happened.

Gakupo had pushed Kaito. And now they were fighting.

A crowd surrounded them. Some cheering on the brawl while others tried to intervene. All the while, Gakupo lashed out with vulgar words.

"You son of a bitch! How fucking dare you!"

I was just as confused as Kaito. The jock had no idea why his friend was attacking him.

"What the hell are you talking about!? Chill, bro!"

The fight escalated and soon, tables were being crashed into, drinks were being spilled, people were leaving the party in panic, while others shamelessly watched on. I watched in horror as the jock's friends struggled to separate the two.

"Get the fuck off him!"

"Gakupo stop!"

Meiko intervened. She desperately pleaded to the purple-haired manic to calm down. She was close to tears at the sight of an injured Kaito. She dropped to her knees beside him all the while, the jock's friends continued to tackle Gakupo down.

I didn't get to see the psycho finally give up because the next thing I knew, I was being dragged away from everyone.

It was all too fast, from her cold grasp to the sudden darkness. Suddenly, the light turned on and there she was standing before me.

Luka Megurine.

I'm can't say I didn't expect this. It was in my mind all along. I danced with Kaito, Luka got jealous, and now I had to sit through her seemingly calm yet pissed off behavior.

"That's some moves you got there," she spat, "Didn't think you go that far to show me."

"Well, it was intended for Kaito, actually," I said.

I didn't have the patience to care anymore. In fact, I couldn't help but push the beauty's buttons.

"At least you got to watch," I added, "I thought you would be too busy with Gakupo to notice me."

Luka's eyes narrowed and her scowl hardened. God, she's so sexy when she's angry.

"Well, well, someone grew a pair, I see."

"Far bigger than your boyfriend's, I'm sure," I quipped.

I couldn't help but bask in it all, her anger, my boldness, the fact that we were alone. It was all just so thrilling. To hell with everything but me and her right now, I was going to enjoy this.

I deserved to let go.

"You're making it really hard not to hurt you, Miku."

"There's nothing wrong with a little pain," I shrugged, "If it will help you sleep at night, lay one on me, I dare you."

I was crossing far more than just her limits. I was farther from the edge. Hell, I was already falling off. Now if only Luka would catch me, I'd be more than willing to reward her for it. She's was doing so good so far.

She starts to walk toward me in a slow and sensual matter. Her hips sway with every step, a dangerous aura emitting from her as she finally closes our distance. And before I know it, she's so close, so hot, so infuriated, and so fucking gorgeous that it's killing me to not kiss her. It feels good to admit my desires but it's tearing me apart just staring without touching.

"You don't mean that," she whispered.

"Apparently I do," I add, "I said it, didn't I? Must have some truth."

It was a smartass remark on my part but also a painfully hard one to swallow. I was thinking of Miki again.

"Miku…"

I can't tell if its mask. I'm aware that Luka has several but for now, I can't tell if she's being genuine or not.

"We all say things we regret," she whispered, "In the heat of the moment, we can't control it sometimes."

It's almost as if she read my mind.

"H-How would…you….

I cough on my words. And before I know it, I'm crying.

I curse myself when my tears begin to drip. I'm embarrassed, angry, scared, but most of all, I'm desperate.

"Luka…"

She kisses me and a rare moment ensues between us. Soft and passionate, her lips glide over mine so delicately and smooth. No aggressiveness, no power, for once Luka engulfs me in the loving way I've always craved for.

"L-Luka…"

I ache to know if it's real. Luka ensures it with careful and gentle words.

"I'm here," she whispers, "Feel me, I'm right here."

Our bodies collide; my hands grasp and pull her deeper. I believe her, I really do but I need to really FEEL it.

"Luka."

I say her name again, a desperate plea for her to show me more passion, more hunger, more assurance that this is really happening.

Her hands roam lower and lower, a gasp releasing from me as she lifts the hem of my shirt. I shiver from her touch, all the while I can feel the softness of her skin, caressing and taking me in with each ministration. Lips continue to gently kiss me. Warm and wet, her mouth opens and I feel her tongue brush against mine. I hold her tighter; my eyes squeeze shut as I nearly drown from the pure bliss of it all.

It's a rare moment that I will miss as soon as it ends. And for that, I decide to take it all for what's it worth.

If I don't say it now, I won't have another chance so perfect to let it be known.

"Fuck, Luka," I gasped, "Just take me already."

She pulls back and silence begins.

Suddenly, it starts to sink in. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe this isn't what I want after all. Maybe I finally scared Luka. Maybe I should just run away.

A horrible tendency of mine, I start to overthink. Then I find myself in a spiral.

Many things come to mind, from past events to the current dilemma between Miki and I, it all starts to become too much. And as a result, I begin to struggle with reality.

"SHIT!"

I'm doing it again. And this time, in front of Luka.

SHIT.

A/N: By now, its obvious that Miku has a history of panic attacks. I think its time Luka sees that. How will she react? Well, I started the next chapter already. Let's just say Luka has a soft spot. One that doesn't associate with her vagina. It's in her heart :) Okay, I said too much already. Til next time. Thanks for reading! :D