(I hope you can all read this and see it as a necessary part of young Louisa's journey through life. I'm sorry if it offends anyone.)
He hadn't changed.
Brimming with confidence, as usual, Danny clambered into the back of Robert's car and patted the seat next to him, as if he were encouraging a dog to join him, rather than an apathetic and slightly petulant teenage girl. I flashed Isobel a dirty look that clearly signalled my disapproval of her ridiculous matchmaking scheme and, with reluctance, slid in next to him, staying as close to the door as possible.
Immediately my nostrils were assailed with a particularly strong fragrance of aftershave that caught in my throat and actually made my eyes sting. Later, I was to discover it was called 'Kouros' and it seemed Danny liked to apply it very liberally. If music can take you back in time, so will that particular scent always remind me of teenage experimentations with life, boundaries, and conventions, and a very spoilt and self-centred young man who always seemed to get what he wanted.
I noticed with some surprise that he was wearing a pale lilac t shirt under a pale yellow linen suit jacket, and that, for some reason, he had the sleeves partly rolled up. Were they too long I wondered? He certainly made brave clothing choices, and wore rather a lot of gel in his hair; the sides were very short and trimmed high above his ears, and the top of his head was a mass of glistening curls. If Caroline had been there, we could have secretly made fun of him but she wasn't, and I didn't want to be a bitch so I just made mental notes so I could fill her in later. Funny how, back then, we all wanted to be seen as 'different' but not 'too different'. It was a fine line between being cool and being a try-hard and, sadly for Danny Steele, he was not cool, however high and mighty he thought himself to be. What the bloody hell was Isobel thinking? He was verging on being a tosser.
Turning to look at me through the gap in the front seats, Isobel, with her customary flakiness, simply twirled a strand of her curly hair around her index finger and smiled goofily. She knew what I was thinking.
"You should put your seatbelt on." I said coldly, by way of reply, and immediately wondered where that thought had come from, and why I felt so put out when both Isobel and Robert clearly ignored me as we drove off. I suddenly wished I'd stayed home.
I avoided looking at Danny, but the sight of the acne on the back of Robert's neck was, frankly, a bit off-putting; there were spots of blood on his collar and shaving cream residue had congealed around the back of his ears. In front of me was Isobel's wild mop of medusa-like curls, so I was forced to stare sullenly and fixedly out of the window to my left, my arms folded and my legs crossed.
Isobel, when feeling uncomfortable, could be relied upon to fill any silence with a constant steam of air-headed remarks and inane questions and that day was no exception. Fortunately, or unfortunately, as the case may be, she asked Danny a question about school and that was all the encouragement he needed. No, he hadn't changed at all; he was still opinionated and cocksure but at least his voice had lost that painfully annoying squeak that I'd remembered being so aggravating.
He rummaged around in an old army satchel at his feet and I heard the distinct clank of bottles. I glanced over at him and he winked at me.
"Later." He said conspiratorially, "If you play your cards right..."
Focused on retrieving whatever he was searching for, and bent over in the confined space, he didn't notice the very pointed roll of my eyes and, oblivious to my derision, he pulled out a cassette, passing it through to to Isobel who fiddled around and finally managed to get some very fuzzy sounds out of the speakers.
"Mate, your radio is absolute shit." Danny said with a disparaging laugh. "I got the old man to put a Harmon Kardon in the Jag and it's the dog's bollocks now."
He turned to look at me, and a smug smile returned to his face.
"Mum says that they are going to give me the car when I pass my A levels but it's so naff I just don't think I want it. I mean, what a dinosaur. I want something like a Sierra Cosworth. Fast, you know, or a V8 MGB. Those things are seriously quick. It's ok to be seen driving a bloody Jag when it's your olds' car but, I mean, how embarrassing if people actually think it's yours..."
"I've seen you try and park it, mate, that's why you don't want it." Robert interrupted scornfully. "You are a totally shit driver. You drive like my Nan."
"Takes one to know one, mate." Danny said, and laughed, before turning to me somewhat earnestly, and quietly reassuring me that he was, in fact, an excellent driver. As if I could have cared less.
Next, he started on a dissertation on something called a compact disc which was apparently going to replace both vinyl LPs and cassette players, such was the quality of the sound. I'd heard about them but I still got all of my music on C90 cassettes, thanks to Caroline, and the cost of this new technology was so outside my realm that I hadn't given them much thought. Apparently, not outside Danny's realm though because he told us that he was getting a new midi system for his birthday and it was definitely going to have a 'CD' player instead of a record player. When I couldn't help myself, and I asked him what he was going to do with his albums, and wasn't he worried about the cost of replacing them all, he just gave me a slightly pitying smirk and patted me condescendingly on the arm.
As I was shaking his hand off me, Robert looked at him in the rear view mirror. The music he'd demanded we play was seriously bad. Cringeworthy even.
"What's this shite then?" Robert asked scornfully. "Doesn't matter what you play it on, it's still shite. Sounds like elevator music."
"It's new, so you won't have heard it. You see, girls, Roberty-Bob here only listens to The Cure." Danny replied in a patronising tone. "Morning, noon and night, droning misery. But Robert likes a good cry so it suits him..."
"I'm into The Cure." I interrupted loudly. "What are you saying?"
Isobel laughed loudly and awkwardly. Suddenly, for a split second, Danny looked taken aback but he flashed me with a knowing smile and nodded.
"Yeah, yeah, me too." He said before pausing and staring at me as if he was about to utter something marvellous and life-changing. "But, Lou, this is Jan Hammer. This is electronica. It's the way of the future. Guitars and things, they will be consigned to history. Everything you know about music will change and it's all going to be done by computers."
"I know what a synthesiser is, Danny, they're hardly new." I replied contemptuously. "And if you knew anything about The Cure, you'd know they are a synthesiser band. So what's your point?"
I suddenly felt quite combative.
"And Robert's right, it does sound like elevator music. Did you borrow it off your mum too?" I added, spitefully.
Isobel and Robert started to laugh and I gave Danny a slightly triumphant smile. He gazed back at me with a very neutral expression but at least he shut up for a few minutes. It didn't take long though and he was back to his favourite subject, himself, and we all had to listen to him regale us with the plot of a new tv programme called Miami Vice and how much we were all sure to love it, if only we could watch it on a really big, colour telly, like he did.
He then turned his attention back to me, shifting closer to me and lowering his voice so I had to lean towards him so I could actually hear.
"Lou, you know I actually do play the guitar. Everyone tells me I could be brilliant but the thing is, I have so much happening all the time, I just don't get to practice much." He said earnestly. "But I can play Sweet Caroline and Hound Dog."
He looked at me and his eyes were wide, as if he'd just had the most amazing thought.
"Hey Lou, what about if I bring my guitar over and play some songs for you. It would be good for me to practice with an audience. It's a great guitar, the same as Eric Clapton's and Jimmy Page's. A D-28. A Martin D-28."
I was obviously supposed to not only have heard of his guitar make but also be super impressed by it but I wasn't. In fact, all I could think about was the funny feeling that came over me when he said the name. I thought I'd grown up and moved on, and I sighed.
"Say yes! Come on! It would be great!" He implored.
All I wanted him to do was to shut up so I could let my thoughts hover around my Martin, just for a few fleeting moments, before he receded again, but Danny was so irritatingly insistent and so bloody there.
"I promise, you'll love it. Say yes!" He begged, his curly hair making him look like an eager spaniel.
"I'll think about it, alright?" I snapped back, and turned to face the window again, only to realise that the feeling of warmth that Martin's name had brought back, had disappeared under the onslaught of the aggravating and persistent schoolboy bouncing on the seat next to me. Chiding myself for being such a ridiculous dreamer, I buried my thoughts and stared out the window whilst, in the front seat, Isobel quietly and surreptitiously changed the cassette and the car was filled with an appallingly distorted version of our current favourite, Tears For Fears.
When we arrived in Truro, we had no plan other than to wander the streets, window-shopping and skylarking about. Robert and Isobel held hands but I made sure to keep my distance from Danny. I didn't want him to get any ideas and I didn't want anyone to think that he was with me, so conscious was I of his unusual attire. At least he was taller than me now, if only by a small margin, but I didn't like they way he cavorted around, always wanting to be the centre of attention, thinking that everything that came out of his mouth was brilliant, basically thinking he was the bee's knees really. It was super annoying.
We went up and down in a few lifts, and mucked around on some kid's rides before an angry old man in a white coat chased us away. We sprayed each other with the perfume testers, and tried on some sunglasses until the glare of the shop assistant, followed by a few choice words, made us think we'd overstayed our welcome, and we made our way towards our actual destination, the music shop. On the way, Isobel needed to duck to the ladies loo so I went with her and, as we stood patiently in the queue, she asked me what I thought of Danny.
"He's a total tosser." I said vehemently. "He used to think he owned me at primary school, and he's always thought he was God's Gift."
"Honestly, Lou, you are so picky!" Isobel retorted crossly. "Anyone'd think you were having to fight boys off with sticks! Just give him a chance. And he's got heaps of money."
I looked at her aghast. "Isobel, I don't like him! Got it?"
"I didn't like Robert to start with, but everybody's got to start somewhere. You're nearly seventeen for god's sake."
"What are you saying? That I should go out with him cos I'm desperate?"
"Just do what I did, Lou-Lou." She said quietly and turned her face away. "Just fake it til you make it."
I watched her disappear into the cubicle and my mouth fell open in despair. I turned to look at myself in the mirror. I still had a fair bit of puppy fat around my face but I was still disappointingly flat-chested. Was it my hair that was the problem? I'd always kept it in a shortish, serviceable bob because it had been so hard to look after but life wasn't like that anymore so maybe it was time for a change. Karen had a reliable shower and a hairdryer, so perhaps I could grow it longer. I did tend to hide under my fringe but my skin was relatively clear and my adult teeth had grown out nice and straight. But I still felt so young and unsophisticated, even when I compared myself to my friends. I didn't really have any idea about boys and, terrifyingly, I knew there was only one way to find out.
Maybe Danny wasn't so bad, especially when you compared him to Jimmy Millinger and Martin Farry. He wasn't bad looking, he was doing ok at school, he had prospects, probably a lot of girls would be pleased to be going around with him. Perhaps I did need to stop being so picky, and give him a chance. Isobel was right. It wasn't as if I had had a single other offer. I gulped and looked at myself again. Reaching up I swept my fringe from my eyes, tucked my hair behind my ears and, very hesitantly, undid another button on my blouse. Maybe it was time to grow up.
We found the boys and then spent ages in the record shop. As if to prove a point, Danny bought two cds and then he paid for my lunch. We sat in the cafe and, as I nibbled on my ham sandwiches, I noticed that he was sitting quite close to me. It took all my will power not to move away as I felt his leg press against mine, but I managed. I couldn't bring myself to share a milkshake straw as Robert and Isobel were but, all in all, it was ok. By this time, we had exhausted all the free entertainment and decided to head for home. Walking back to the car, Danny had stopped being such a show-off, simply walking calmly beside me, chatting amiably, and I was almost disappointed that he didn't try and take my hand. Perhaps I had put him off and my change of heart was too late, I thought resignedly.
But, when I stopped to look in the window of a dress shop, I felt him drape one arm around my back and then, after a minute when I hadn't shrugged him off, he rested his chin on my shoulder and I felt his breath on my ear. It didn't feel nice, but it didn't feel horrible either so I supposed this was what Isobel meant about faking it. As I turned, I gave him the smallest of smiles and I suppose that's all I needed to do because, as we walked down the street toward the car park, he left his arm around me, and it was fine. I guess that's one advantage of us being similar heights; it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. It just was there.
The drive home was considerably more lighthearted. Robert and Danny entertained us with stories about some of the oddball teachers at their school. Isobel had a great story about Hightrees and then we all talked about Caroline, even though it felt a bit disloyal, and the hard time she gave absolutely everyone. We were still laughing about that when Robert pulled off the main road and we made our way down a narrow lane to where I knew there was a picnic spot. Sometimes, in summer, visiting surfers would have bonfires and parties there but, during the week, it should be quiet and deserted. We pulled up on the grass and Danny retrieved his bag. Clearly Isobel and Robert had been here before because they held hands and galloped off down the narrow track together, shrieking with laughter.
I suddenly felt awkward and nervous but I was determined not to show it, so I did my best bored teenager act and looked around me as if I were disinterested and couldn't care less. I felt a stab of alarm when Danny tossed me a blanket to carry but I managed to maintain my facade of calm and I wandered off without waiting for him, so he was forced to jog to catch up. I heard the clanking glass as he came up beside me and he held my hand firmly as we made our way down the steeper section of the path. When we came into the flatter, secluded area so favoured by the local youth, Danny indicated that we should spread out the blanket, slightly behind some larger rocks and a wind blown shrub. He sat down and pulled out a bottle of brandy and a bottle of ginger ale from his rucksack and set them down on the rug. Then he pulled out four brightly coloured plastic picnic cups and began to pour liberal quantities of brandy into them before sloshing out the sweetly fizzy mixer.
Cautiously, I sat down next to him, and he handed me a cup.
"Cheers Lou!" He cried and necked the entire cupful in one go.
I looked at him nervously and took a sip. I'd only ever tried beer before and I didn't really like it but this tasted lovely. I took another sip and then a larger gulp, marvelling at the feeling of warmth as it made its way down into my stomach. Danny was telling jokes and we were laughing; and every time my cup was empty, he diligently refilled it. With the sun on my face, I felt brilliant. Danny was actually being really funny and quite sweet, and it felt great to be up here alone with him, having a few drinks and a really good time. I felt so relaxed, almost sleepy and, though I realised that it must be the alcohol having an affect, I didn't care and held our my cup for another top up.
I remember laughing so much I fell over to one side and curled up in a ball. Attempting to sit up again, I fell into my back and we were both overtaken by a fit of the giggles. I don't recall what happened next but I was suddenly aware of a weight on my chest and my mouth being forced open by a hard, rather wet kiss. I didn't try and resist as Isobel's words rang in my head. Maybe I could learn to like it. Maybe I could learn to be like Caroline and love it.
I felt Danny's tongue in my mouth and I thought that it felt odd and a bit unpleasant but not totally horrible. All I could taste was ginger ale, actually, and everything was a bit fuzzy and unreal. As I struggled to focus on what was happening, I became aware that his hand was under my shirt and, suddenly, he had grabbed my breast a little too firmly and given it an unpleasant squeeze. Even in my drunken state, I knew I had had enough. I managed to get an arm free and pushed my hand into his neck and, to his credit, he immediately rolled off me and muttered a vague apology. I clambered to my feet, took two or three paces away from the blanket and threw up. I was still standing there, hands on my knees, struggling not to be sick again as the world spun around me, as Isobel and Robert came up the path towards us. They were both flushed and dishevelled and, even in my drunken state, I realised what they had, seemingly, been happily up to together. As my lunch came up to greet me, and I fell to my knees, I felt like a stupid, naive kid who was, as usual, totally out of her depth. The three of them just stood there and stared at me which made my humiliation feel even more acute.
Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I tossed my head at them defiantly.
"What are you all gawping at?" I barked at them, and clambered to my feet as elegantly as I could manage, before staggering off up the path on my own back towards the car. I was vaguely aware of Isobel giving Danny an earful before she called out to me but I was having none of it. Eventually, Danny caught up to me and, putting his arm around me, helped me into the back seat but I felt too embarrassed, and ignored him all the way back to Karen's house where I exited the car without a word or a backwards glance.