Days passed in the light of my new discovery. I said nothing – another secret – while I worked on strengthening that soul binding with the blade. Strangely, my condition drastically improved every time I managed to make the blade burst into light. Which, in retrospect, only happened thrice over a dozen tries. Yet, I still limped from the weakness of my muscles, and wasn't rid of the pressure tightening my chest. Its ache was becoming familiar; its limitation, still unacceptable.
The sword helped, but it wasn't miraculous. It was a strange sight, though, to see the steel diffuse such intensity rather than catch sunrays. I never managed to keep it flaming for long, but its hum always diffused in my whole body. Soon, I would have to find different items to test it. For the moment, tiles and wood had been cloven in two at the slightest touch. Somehow, the magical blade had cut through different material like butter.
The physics of it baffled me; had it transformed into a light saber altogether? Unfortunately, the blade returned to normal as soon as I lost my concentration. Which usually occurred after a few seconds.
Today, I cinched the sword, and joined the common room as a meeting had been called. This was the first time, since the poisoning, that I set foot in this place again. Sanan and I were still not on speaking terms, but Harada, Okita and Chizuru had visited often, pleased with my recovery. Hijikata had requested my presence; it could only be important.
The room was bathed in dim light, but I couldn't mistake the captain that sat beside Fukuchō. Saitō, hair set aside, and features as placid as ever, crossed his arms in a gesture that betrayed nervousness. I was so happy to see him after so many months of absence that I nearly tripped on the threshold. And when he bowed to me, I just froze.
"My apologies, Kistu-san", he said, both hands braced on the tatami mat. "My warning came too late. Forgive me for failing you."
Uh ? Forgive him ? Failing ?
It took a moment for my brain to register his words. Then it clicked. The poison ! So this was where the information came from in the first place; a reliable source indeed. What could I say, expect that he had probably done his best.
"No apologies are necessary, Saitō-san. No one can be asked to perform the impossible, after all. I am glad to see you."
The third division captain simply nodded, and the affair was over before it could be debated. I took my seat with barely a wince, and didn't dare catching Sanan's gaze.
Coward.
Yes, I was a coward, for now. Hijikata's demeanour was stern, but he granted me an assessing glance, and nodded to me. I could nearly feel the relief, drowned in the midst of his worries, as he watched me at the corner of his eye. Yamazaki closed the door behind us and the meeting started without preamble.
"As from today, Saitō-san will resume his duties with the Shinsengumi."
Shinpachi ruffled his own hair in confusion, and Kondō-san explained how they had sent Saitō with Itō's faction to spy upon them. Given the stoic nature of the man, no one could have remarked that his loyalty still laid with the Shinsengumi.
Clever. Very clever. Poor Saitō, six months away from friends and support, hearing about killing foreigners every single day. Damn, I hoped Heisuke, at least, was good company to the ever-silent captain.
"Come on, Hajime-kun, I can't believe you had fun for six months and kept us out of it!", Okita quipped.
Saitō remained cold like marble in front of the first captain's teasing. Whether he was plainly ignoring his friend's mood, or reflecting upon the grave news that had caused him to break his cover was yet to be seen. Shinpachi, though, didn't catch the mood and turned to his Captain with a reproacheful look.
"Not good, Kondō-san", he accused, annoyed.
To my amusement, the Captain scratched his head with a sheepish look, telling us how 'secret mission' meant he couldn't really tell anyone. I found him utterly adorable as he closed his eyes; sometimes, the captains acted like a bunch of naïve children. All was fair in war, and sending a mole showed excellent strategy skills.
Did Hijikata suggest it ? Sanan ? If Saitō's warning had not saved me from poisoning, I had no doubt his presence here meant a drastic measure.
Or he'd been discovered, and forced to flee. His loyalty floored me, and I found new respect for the man who stood stoically in front of Okita's teasing. If Saitō was surprised by the first captain's lack of cough and apparent health, he didn't show it. The news he brought were dire enough to overlook his miraculous recovery.
Baffled, Chizuru decided to leave to make more tea; was she expecting a family reuion with this grim mood? Kondō encouraged her, and I wondered if they were not trying to shield her from whatever reality was about to come down upon us. Silence settled as Chizuru knelt to quit the room, slutting the shōji behind her.
My thoughts wandered, for a moment, to the protocol of door opening; there was a full art of balancing oneself to slide the partition open. Etiquette created harmony, and people strived to use the right gestures for every single action of the day. It disciplined the mind and the body alike, and I found myself, too often, breaking those rules. Yet, I marvelled at the way people moved and lived around me; it felt like a ballet.
Eventually, Saitō started speaking of Itō's positioning against the Shinsengumi, and his new alliances with the Satsuma clan. Where the former spy's words were circumvoluted, Hijikata's conclusion didn't give any room for interpretation.
"Itō-san's new faction plans on leaking out the information about our rasetsu unit to break the Bakufu. They also are responsible for the accusation on Harada regaring Sakumoto's murder, they aim at weakening us."
"Son of a bitch", I swore under my breath.
My words carried more than I had hoped, but not a disapproving look was sent my way.
"Another offense from that enfoiré", Harada added, the French word emphasising his anger. His features were grim, and Saitō's countenance stiffer than usual.
"Itō's faction are devising a plan to assassinate our Captain", Saitō revealed.
I gasped, shocked to the core. I prayed I had heard this wrong, but Okita's strained voice confirmed my fears.
"You mean Kondō-san".
I stiffened immediately, shocked. Kondō-san didn't move, regal upon his own cushion, as if he wasn't a target. Saitō explained, in details, how they planned to do the deed; I found their methods absolutely despisable. A dagger to the back, on my tender hearted Captain! I shivered violently, my chest tightening in anger.
"There are definitely no feelings in politics", I spat, revulsed by Itō-sod's methods.
Okita was, for once, not sprawled upon the wall with his word held upright. He looked positively murderous; Kondō-san was a father to him; no one threatened him and lived. My words, though, were misinterpreted by our hot-headed Vice Commander. Sue me for being cynical in a country where people used first degree extensively.
"What the hell are you saying, Kitsu? That assassination is warranted?"
Fukuchō's outburst slammed into me with such force that my heart stuttered. The shock turned to wrath so easily; I understood his anger, but wasn't going to accept to be a scapegoat. I retorted hotly:
"Don't put words in my mouth! Do you think I could ever stab someone in the back? Kondō-san is as much my commander as yours!"
Hijikata grabbed his teacup with so much force that it shook under the strain of his white knuckles.
Damn, I should have shut my mouth.
Silence had settled around the room, and Kondō turned to his subordinate with a desolate expression. But it was Sanan's voice that cut through the heavy silence. Reason, once more, to temper hot headedness.
"Kitsu-kun is only voicing reality, Hijikata-kun. Itō-san is playing his hand in a political game, and we cannot afford for him to decide on the next move."
Bless Sanan and his ability to keep a level head. I shouldn't be surprised he was siding with me … or was he, really? I stole a glance at the Colonel, finding his grey eyes as cool as collected as wever. What was going on in that head of his? Chizuru's return interrupted my staring, and Hijikata's voice boomed:
"Let me voice another reality then. Itō must be killed. Do you have anything to say to that, Kitsu?"
His gaze pinned me into place on my cushion, and I fought not to squirm under its weight. Why the sudden hostility ?
"So be it", I nodded. "God knows the bastard deserves it."
"Good.", Okita drawled. "Now it is settled, I'll stab him into place while you put your sword through his heart. Or perhaps you'd prefer beheading him?"
I froze, catching the first captain's earnest gaze; Sōji was serious. Right now, he offered me a place by his side as brother in arms. My confused expression caused him to cock his head aside.
"Sōji!", Kondō frowned.
Apparently, it was against conventions to offer a lady to gut someone.
"What?", Okita whined. "I'm doing a favour here. He tried to kill her twice. Poison and rape is enough to…"
"Sōji!", Hijikata yelled, the volume alone enough to shut him up. Okita lifted his hands in surrender and I swallowed nervously. Yes, there was no other solution than killing Itō to protect both mine and Kondō's life; we would never be able to emprison him. But assassination, really? My mind went in overdrive, wondering if the Keeper of Time could become an assassin in cold blood.
"Fine", Okita huffed. "I'll do it myself if you play sissy."
Sissy, uh? I understood Okita's frustration with me, but couldn't find the strength to consider murder.
As details were discussed – an invitation to drink in Kondō's quarters which, in retrospect, was pretty cunning too – I realised I had never ceased considering myself as the Keeper of time. In that moment, I felt the blade hum beside me; my fingers found the sheath, itching for its light.
No. I was a guardian, I couldn't cross that bridge, even for the sake of protecting Kondō-san. Hijkata was putting the team together, now, and turned to me with an inquisitive look.
"Kitsu ?"
"I … I will bow out of that one, if you allow me."
I caught a flash of hurt upon Hijikata's face before his features closed. Fukuchō was far from stupid; he'd caught my meaning well enough. My refusal was taken as a judgment, and I felt hypoctritical for allowing myself to kill in battle, but not in cold blood. I didn't have the guts to make what was necessary.
"Then you can go, you are no further use."
Chizuru gasped, covering the noise of my shattered heart. Hijikata's words cut me deeply. Yet, he was our commander in all but name, so I bowed.
"Hai, Fukuchō."
Standing was less easy than sitting, but I took my leave with as much grace as I could, heart bruised and mind confused. I closed the shōji behind me with tears swelling in my eyes, and took a few steps before I sunk next to a pillar on the engawa.
The weather had turned cold, November was spreading its clutches in Kyōto, and my fingers were already starting to go numb. That stupid cyanide had really messed up with my circulation. I lifted my head to the sky, finding the stars blinking faintly. Ethics. What a joke. What would Aragorn have done in my position? Arthur?
They would have called a duel with Itō-san, I guess. But they had power; they were Kings. The Shinsengumi was but a faction lost in a battle greater than any Samuraï. The voices were rising in the common room, and Chizuru cried out something about Heisuke. I sighed; what would become of the young captain in this civil war?
Hijikata stormed out not a minute later, Chizuru calling after him in a desperate plea. What could he do, our Fukuchō, when those supposed to support him teamed up against him? He didn't spare me a glance when he passed me in the engawa, his jaw locked.
My kingdom for a hug. Where are Elladan and Elrohir when you need them ?
I just sighed, finding solace in the night as the others went the other way. Everyone, but a shadow that knelt beside me, the moonlight reflected into his spectacles.
Sanan held a wooden box, crouched in a position that would have been precarious to any European, but natural to him.
"I found a revolver for you to use", he told me.
I gaped, watching him as he handed the box in my care. After yelling at him, calling him a hypocrite… Sanan still went through the trouble of acquiring firepower for me.
"Munitions are scarce", he went on, oblivious of my trouble. "But it should be enough to do some damage until you recover your strength."
I could have kissed the man. Hugged him to death. Instead, I just watched the defined lines of his face, stunned by the peace offering. My hand lifted the lid, tracing the lines of the weapon, a heavy colt would provide six shots before it needed to be recharged. The recoil would, for sure, be different from my modern gun, but it was worth a try.
I blinked tears away, and bowed deeply.
"Arigatō gozaimasu", I told him, voice strangled with emotion.
"You are still a warrior, Kitsu-san. I wanted you to remember it…"
This was as close to an apology that I would ever get, and I appreciated it immensely. As Sanan refused to dose me with medicine that could have dire side effects, he offered me a way to be useful. Given the tremendous drawbacks of Ochimizu, I understood his reasoning; he didn't want me to become a vampire-like creature that lived in the night. Didn't want to put me at risk, to become like him … a man trapped between death and folly.
His wisdom was astounding.
"I apologise for yelling at you, Sanan-san. Gomene."
His silky voice rose in the night, caressing my senses, lulling my mind into a sense of safety.
"You were in tremendous amount of pain. I shall not hold it against you."
I shook my head; I would accept no excuse. My pride wouldn't take it; control wasn't accessory when you rushed into war. No amount of pain should push me to mistreat my comrades.
"You should. No pain is worth loosing a friend."
A true smile bloomed upon his face, discrete, but reaching his grey eyes. For a moment, his hand lingered upon my hair; I closed my eyes. Good. Now, I just needed to find a way to regain Fukuchō's trust, and the world would be spinning right again.
Good luck with that, my mind snickered.