A/N: I don't have much to say other than thank you for your continued support!
I hope you enjoy this installment!
Chapter 20: Before I Go
The room was still before them, and Akito was attempting to read her eyes. She was transparent, her sentiment's always so easily read. When she told him once that she wore her heart on her sleeve, she wasn't joking. Her emotions were erratic, and everywhere.
But, as she stood before him, her eyes were almost void of emotion.
Something rather rare from her part.
His mind was reeling with her confession. Akito was having difficulty wrapping his mind around the words she so easily spoke.
She gave another awkward laugh to ease the tension as she rubbed the back of her neck. He noticed that was something she often did when she was placed in an uncomfortable position, or to wriggle herself out of an awkward situation.
Akito didn't know what came over him, or why he pressed for details of her life. Maybe it was the way she so easily interpreted his life and detailed his inner emotions. He wanted retaliation for always intruding into his own personal affairs.
But, he didn't expect such a heavy response.
Kurata stalled in her reaction, and hesitant to reveal the truth. But, after some of her own coaxing, she let the truth let loose.
And while she didn't exactly seem too keen on the information, she handled the confession rather well.
"Dog got your tongue, Hayama?" She smirked, and Hayama almost corrected her incorrect wording of the common phrase.
He swallowed. He... wasn't really sure how to reply to her confession. Akito was aware that most people in life suffered a sort of tragedy or dark pasts. But, he thought Kurata exempt from that.
Her jubilant smiles and eccentric behavior were deceiving coping mechanisms. Someone as cheerful and optimistic as herself wouldn't bear such a burden of a tragic past.
Or, so he thought.
Kurata Sana just kept surprising him in all forms.
"Do you remember when you were adopted...?" He asked carefully and he noticed a slight shake of her shoulders. As close as she was to hiding her emotions, she didn't perfect the art of masking voiding out her true response.
She nodded, and Akito clenched his jaw tighter. Rejection and abandonment. Sentiments he knew all too well. "My birth mother didn't want me anymore and left me at the front of an orphanage."
Her words held no callous, no indignation. He was almost surprised by her forwardness but remembered how honest she was. They shared those traits. That blunt honesty. They both were not afraid to speak their minds.
"How old were you?" He asked with mild curiosity.
"4, almost 5."
Hayama studied her, watching the reaction of her body language and the shift of temperament in her eyes.
"So, you remember her?"
She cocked her head to the side, putting a finger to her chin while biting down on her lip before she formulated a response. "Bits and pieces. My memory has faded as I've grown up."
Understandable. Why remember a person who was so willing to abandon you?
"But!" Her cadence increased, a smile lifting on her pale lips. "It's not something I really dwell on anymore because I have my Mama!"
The apathy in her eyes vanished and was filled with a genuine happiness. He wondered how long it may have taken her to get to the point where she was happy with her life. It seemed like any residual anger she felt towards her birth mother had dissipated over the years.
He almost envied her ability to just let go.
"You don't... care?" He treaded. She hesitated for a moment, before she answered.
A sad smile settled on her lips and that did not bode well for his stomach.
"I used to care..." Hesitancy once more, "I cried for my mother for weeks, months even. I rejected Mama for the longest time." There was sadness and regret in her voice. "I was constantly demeaning her and making her feel like she wasn't worthy of being my mother."
Hayama noticed her wringing her hands together with a sullen gaze overcoming the shadows of her face.
But her somber demeanor changed in a matter of seconds. Now, her mood was lifted with another grin. "Now, I don't see a point in getting worked up over it. Ever since Mama adopted me, I have had nothing but happy memories. I grew up loved and cared for. And there's nothing else I can ask for."
There was more to this tale, he was sure. While she gave him a brief summary of her past, he knew there was missing pieces to the story. But, he wouldn't press for it. It wasn't his business to indulge for more.
The next question played on his tongue, and he had some reluctance.
"Would you want to see her again?"
Oops.
She indefinitely stilled, her eyes going wide once more. Her shoulders became rigid, and his eyes caught her arms wrapping themselves around her body. Like she was protecting herself.
Had he pushed too far?
Possibly.
But, it wasn't like she hadn't. There were multiple instances in which she crossed the threshold of their acclaimed friendship.
"I don't know." Her voice stilled. "That's a bit of a loaded question, don't you think?" She gave him a strained smile and cocked her head to the side.
His reply was a simple nod, understanding her reluctance to answer.
Kurata's eyes left his and found the surface of the table. She was avoiding his penetrating gaze, and bit down on her lip. Their silence was filled with an almost suffocating silence. Which, he was okay with. He was accustomed to the silence of his home.
Kurata released a deep sigh and stood up from her seated position on the couch.
"Ugh! I'm tired!" She stretched out her hands above her head, and she smiled once more, masking her true apprehension and pain. "Today was a long day! I'm going home. This was fun, huh?"
He nearly scoffed. She grabbed her folder and stuffed her school items into her school bag. She shone a bright grin at him as she threw her bag over her back.
"Thanks for having me over! See you at school!"
Before he could even respond, she was out the door in a matter of minutes.
He had never seen her move so quickly. She vacated his house in a hurry, almost as if she was avoiding any residual conversation about her past. He couldn't blame her. Hayama was infamous for dodging questions and conversations about his past.
One thing was certain though.
Kurata Sana was more than just a girl with bright smile.
-O-
Her heart was hammering in her chest as she closed the door quickly behind her. Her eyes were wide as she placed a hand over her heart to calm the rapid beating.
She couldn't breathe.
At least, it felt like she couldn't.
The sinking feeling in her chest as the conversation with Hayama replayed in her head was restricting her throat, her lungs. She wished that she could make the gnawing in her chest go away, disappear. Catching her breath was difficult and the tears welted at her eyes.
She wasn't quite sure why she felt the way she did.
Who was she kidding?
She knew exactly why she felt like a brick of weights was crushing her body.
Outside of her mother, Shimura, and Fuka, there was not another soul who knew about her adoption.
While she had nothing to hide from the world, this was her one exception.
For good reason.
It had taken Sana some time to reveal the truth to Fuka.
As she and Fuka grew closer, so did the secrets they shared. And of course, just like Hayama, Fuka had noticed the lack of a male in her life. The questions started small, and infrequently. She would ask periodically and Sana would always brush it away with a change in conversation or attitude.
And then, one day while studying for an exam, she dropped her pencil and asked.
"Sana, where is your dad?"
And similarly, to her reaction with Hayama, she denied having one.
"I don't have one."
But Fuka was relentless, and just like Hayama, didn't understand.
"What do you mean? You have to have one. I know you know where babies come from."
Of course, she did. She wasn't stupid, no matter what people thought.
"Why can't you just tell me the truth?"
Why?
Why?
Because she was ashamed!
She was ashamed to be adopted.
Her real mother didn't want her.
So why would anyone else?
When Sana revealed the truth, Fuka went eerily quiet.
The brown-haired girl went wide eyed with her mouth falling open in shock. Her shoulders grew rigid and she froze in place. Her hands dropped into her lap and she stared at Sana.
Stared at her with pity.
All Sana wanted in that moment was for Fuka to stop staring at her like that.
"I-I.. You're what?"
And that's when she explained what she told Hayama.
Her real mother didn't want her. Simple as that. She shrugged her shoulders at the end and shone her a smile. Sana shifted the conversation quickly, trying to talk about anything but that.
About her being adopted.
Fuka attempted to revisit the conversation on more than one occasion. She would make snide remarks or sarcastic comments about her lack of trust. And her ability to run away from her own issues.
But Sana wanted nothing of it. She even started avoiding her. Which was odd in itself because it was normally the other way.
Sana had always wished for Fuka to be more persistent, more involved with their friendship. Fuka was always so cold and apathetic towards her. Sana was so touchy and feely, always wrapping her arms around Fuka's neck or being near the girl.
Her persistence pushed Fuka away... temporarily. They had grown so close.
But then, Sana just wanted to disappear.
"You can't keep running away from the conversation, Sana."
Oh yes, she could.
And yes, she did.
"What do you want me to say?"
It was one of her rarer moments of anger. She felt real frustration towards the brown-haired girl. Was this how Fuka felt towards her? That constant annoyance and persistence? If it was, the auburn-haired girl made a mental note to lessen her intrusion.
Who did she think she was anyway? Demanding her to talk about something that she clearly didn't want too!
"I was adopted! She didn't want me! I wasn't good enough. So, please! Leave it alone!"
Fuka fell silent at her outburst. Sana turned away in a huff and stomped away, leaving the brown-haired girl standing alone. She was trying to save face, and control the tears from spilling over as she walked down the empty hall.
They didn't talk for a few days after that incident.
But sharing that with Hayama right now... she almost felt relieved?
He didn't stare at her like Fuka did. He didn't give her a look of pity, of concern, of sympathy. His eyes were still so ever distant, but at least he didn't look at her with reprieve.
He looked at her like he always did.
It certainly made the conversation much easier. She wasn't struggling to find words to answer his questions. Not until he asked if she had wanted to see her real mother again.
Did she? Did she want to see her real mother again?
There was a sharp pain in her chest that made her gasp. She clutched the front of her jacket tightly as sweat formed at the corners of her forehead. She hunched over and felt like she would vomit. She shut her eyes closed and, in the darkness, saw a tall silhouette of an unfamiliar figure.
But she wasn't unfamiliar.
Sana knew who was standing in front of her.
She opened her eyes, not wanting to see the face of the darkened figure.
The pain in her chest was aching, that the loneliness gnawing at her.
No, don't leave. Please, stay.
Please.
Please.
She needed to leave. She couldn't' have Hayama see her like this. How could she help Hayama when she was acting in this way?
Squaring her shoulders, Sana stood up.
What was she doing? She couldn't be acting like this.
She was passed this. It's been 11 years. She couldn't allow this conversation to leave her crippled every time. She was rendered useless in this state. Her conscious ability to act like a normal human disappeared as she was turned to stone.
Sana didn't know how she was able to talk to Hayama.
How she was able to keep her composure so cool and collected. She was sure she would burst into a ball of flames any minute.
Though, Hayama wasn't an idiot. Her rushed sprint out of the house was most certainly noted by him. He knew she was hiding, running away.
Or at least, she thought he did.
"Sana-chan?"
At the call of her name, said girl fought her eyes to find a mop of blonde hair and brown eyes looking right at her.
"Oh. Hey, Ayame-chan!" She put on a grin. "Just getting back?"
The girl numbly nodded, and Sana felt immediate concern rise. Her eyes seem so somber. Well, sullener than her usual countenance.
"Home work time." She said, her voice low.
Sana nodded, her smile fading quickly.
"Ar-are you okay?"
The smile on Ayame's face didn't quite reach her eyes. And there was sadness swirling in the brown irises that were different from her usual timid behavior.
Hayama Ayame had always carried this sad aura around her.
But today, they seemed much more somber.
"I'm okay, thank you for asking." She paused, "I'll see you at school?"
Sana nodded, her concern overshadowing her eyes.
The youngest Hayama opened the door and went in, closing it behind her.
Sana's eyes lingered on the door. She bit down on the bottom of her lip. This did not settle well in the bottom of her stomach. And it was troubling. Truly troubling.
Sana forced her eyes away and walked down the steps of the Hayama household, trying to shake the dread from her heart.
-O-
The door opened with a soft creak, but Akito was still standing in the middle of his living room where Kurata was once standing with him.
He had half a mind to chastise Tsuyoshi for revealing personal information to her. But, her words clung deep to him.
He knew Tsuyoshi cared about him and for his well-being. Tsuyoshi was his best friend.
Was.
The thought sat bitterly with him, knowing Tsuyoshi was just another victim to his solitude. Which, was disheartening considering he thought of the brown-haired boy as a brother.
Hayama wished he could discard the recent events of his interactions with Kurata Sana. He wished that he had never agreed to be friends with her.
Despite perfecting the steel wall that separated him from his emotions, she was able to pierce right that that wall and see the truth behind his actions.
And it was infuriating.
How had she done it? How was she able to dissect his true sentiments through his choice of music? Or his choice of reading? Or other choices he makes?
Practice, he thought to himself. Years and years of practice on herself.
He wondered, had she always worn that grin with such confidence?
He highly doubted...
But, it was her.
He heard a shuffling noise and then there was another presence in the room. There was no alarm as his eyes found his sisters figure, arms clutched at her side.
"I saw Sana outside." Her voice dry, and he nodded.
"We were working on the project together."
Silence encompassed them as she nodded to his reply. He tore his eyes away from her as guilt swallowed his chest. It seemed it was time to retreat to his ro-
"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately."
This cemented his place on the floor as his sister's voice littered through the room. Her voice was desolate, distant from her normal shy and timid speech.
He forced his gaze back to her. She was staring down at the floor with an unrecognizable gaze, hands clenched at her sides.
"And I think I've finally figured it out."
Her words were sharp, but there was an underlined understanding in her voice. The words started sharp, but they gentled and she took her gaze from the floor and found his brown-golden eyes.
"I finally understand why you have such a disdain for dad." He sucked in a breath. His palms began to sweat, his mouth dry. "You were right. You called him a coward, a deadweight because all he did was run away from his family."
His eyes almost went wide at her statement. She was always vying for their father's attention. Not for the sake of favoritism. But because all she wanted was her father to care for her.
"He confessed to me the night before he left. He told me he had requested to leave on those business trips, even more so after mom died." Akito clenched his fist tightly as she spoke. Her voice started weary and cold, but it was turning into a harsh whisper.
He never thought he would see his baby sister speaking in this manner.
It was like he was looking at himself.
"He abandoned us, just like you have been saying all our life."
The room remained silent at her confession. He had been saying this all his life. He was consistently berating his father for his lack of support. Akito had no issue with calling his father out for his inability to be a parent.
Ayame then started to laugh.
Bitterly and harshly.
"But I was so stupid." She rubbed her fingers at her temples, shaking her head. "Since we were kids, I thought that if I was good, if I just behaved, that it would mean dad would be around more. Even though you were off getting in trouble, I thought that if I was there for mom and dad, then I could at least keep the family together."
Her laughter died out.
"I was so naïve." The youngest Hayama sibling whispered.
She was naïve.
But, she was a child.
Is a child.
Despite the harsh realities of their lives, they are still children.
No matter how adult they tried to act.
"I was stupid to believe that I could keep the family together." A strained smile fell on her lips. "I think deep down, I knew what dad was doing. I just refused to believe he was abandoning us."
"I thought you were being ridiculous. I didn't understand why you gave dad so much trouble." Looking back, it was ridiculous, Hayama thought to himself as she continued on. Her hands were clasped together. "I always thought it was kind of silly for you to always get into so much trouble."
It was. It was ridiculous and idiotic and foolish.
But, it was the only way to get his father's attention.
"I tried to understand, but I was more confused. I spent a lot of time with mom. And she was always so frustrated with your behavior and actions." Her brown eyes that resembled that of their mothers found his. "I was mad that you made her mad."
"I knew dad was always upset because of all the fights you were getting into. But, mom was always worried. She was worried and scared that you would hurt yourself or worse- someone would hurt you." Her words died out into a murmur.
Akito was foolish as a child. He indulged in idiotic tendencies just for the matter of pissing off his father.
It wasn't that he didn't see what he was doing to both his mother and sister.
The blond simply didn't care.
He just wanted to make his father feel pain.
"But she wasn't stupid, or naïve like I was. She was completely aware of why you were acting out. She knew that you were dismayed with dad and his actions. She knew you were retaliating against him. But, she didn't know what to do to calm your anger."
Akito could recall on more than one occasion the conversations he and his mother had. He gulped, his jaw hardening because the memories of his mother were always so tainted.
Tainted with his mistakes.
Tainted with her blood.
"I remember one night, you were at staying at Tsuyoshi's after mom allowed you to stay the night. And dad was furious because he thought mom was letting you get away with another fight."
The memory made his blood run dry. Because he knew exactly what day Ayame recalled too.
All the memories before his mother's death were always fresh on his mind.
Because, those were the worst.
"But, in actuality, she was reprimanding him for always patronizing you."
His eyes widened.
"I had never seen mom and dad fight the way they did that night." Her voice quiet, recalling the memory. "Mom told him that his absence caused a serious drift between himself and you. That his demeaning behavior towards you made you feel like you didn't matter to him."
His fists clenched slightly, a slight snarl at his lips. He glared at the floor as he thought about a fight between his parents. Remorse bubbled to his chest once again, a sinking, drowning feeling that dragged him to the pits of hell.
Hollow.
That's what he felt.
It's all he has felt in the last 2 years.
"Dad tried to argue with mom, shifting blame to her for letting you get away with your actions and not giving you the proper consequences."
Her tone was indifferent. She wasn't accusatory towards him.
Just... indifferent.
"I had never seen mom raise her voice the way she did that night." Their mother rarely raised her voice to begin with. "She came and slept with me. Dad left the next morning without saying anything to either of us."
He had recalled his father not being there when he came home the next day. Not thinking too much of it, he retreated to his room. Thinking back to it, his mother did seem sullen. Another knot in his stomach formed and there was a frog in his throat that restricted his ability to breathe.
"I still didn't get it." Her brows knitted together and he could see the frown extend down to her lips. "And I was mad at you. Mad at you for always causing strife in the family. I just wanted you stop getting into to trouble."
Silence.
And in that silence, never had her emotions played so loudly.
She was angry. She was frustrated. She was hurt.
"But now, I get it."
He couldn't take his eyes away from the ground.
Shame.
Shame on you.
This is all your fault.
"And you were completely justified in your actions, however extreme they may had been."
A sense of understanding, her voice shifting to that of more understanding. A sad smile encompassed her lips.
"He abandoned us and continues to not look back."
She wrung her hands together before looking back up at him. When her brown eyes found his, while teary, they were hardened and full of conviction. In all the years, he had never recalled his sister with such callous in her eyes.
"But, you abandoned me too."
His breath hitched, and his jaw hardened at her statement.
"After mom died and dad left, you pulled away and distanced yourself."
But not without reason.
"We needed time to grieve. And I assumed that you distancing yourself was part of the grieving process. Because, I followed in similar action. I distanced myself from Kyo and Hiro. I didn't want to be around anyone, but my family."
Inwardly flinching, he grimaced. He tore his eyes away from her once more. His guilt rising in his throat.
"But, you and dad thought differently."
"Dad threw himself to work and you couldn't even look at me. During our stay in the hospital, you hardly said a word. During physical therapy, you couldn't even spare a glance. And now, even now, you can't even look at me."
How could he?
How could he look at her after what he did?
"And the few times we do speak to one another, it's because we had too."
Her voice was cracking, the indifference in her tone turning into something more.
"We lost mom, but in the process, we lost dad too." She paused for a moment, and then heard her inhale. "And now I feel like I've lost my brother."
He felt a tight squeeze to his heart, the air knocked out of his lungs, and his inability to just breathe. He closed his eyes, and in the darkness saw the life that he once had.
The life with his mother.
The life without.
He suddenly felt very cold.
"Both of you were so focused on yourselves that you left me to grieve myself." A laugh ensued and there was so much pain in her voice. "How could you leave an 11 year old girl to grieve to herself?"
Ayame was no Akito. She tried her best to contain the swirling emotions within her. But, her chest was feeling so incredibly heavy, the weight bearing down on her. Was her brother so far removed from his own emotions and feelings that he didn't feel anything? Because, Ayame couldn't contain the sob that escaped her lips any longer.
She tried so hard to contain her despair. But, to no avail, she couldn't be like her brother. Void and apathetic.
"You were both so selfish and abandoned me." She hugged herself and squeezed her eyes shut, hoping it would contain the tears that fell from her eyes. "Even if Dad didn't care about us, I thought that at least I would have you."
The oldest Hayama didn't speak, but his eyes hardened with callous as his sister cried her true emotions.
He applauded her efforts to keep her emotions and feelings at bay, but knew it was a matter of time before she revealed her true sentiment.
He may have not said anything, but his eyes spoke the truth in that moment.
"I thought that- that," She hiccupped, her tears cascading down her cheeks, "we would grow close from losing mom. Even though we never really spoke to one another, that this would be the time we would learn to rely on one another."
He gulped, the frog in his throat growing.
"I think what had me more upset was that you were so determined to avoid talking to me, but you have no issue talking to Sana."
Eyes wide and the last person he thought would be dragged into this conversation was Kurata Sana.
"I just didn't get it." Anger. Anger and resentment in her voice now. "You agreed to do this project with Sana, but you won't even look at me. And I don't understand why."
Because you hate me... don't you?
"Don't get me wrong." She paused, "I love her. I love her energy and her passion. She is what I wish I could be like. So happy and full of life."
That Kurata Sana was.
"But, I just don't see why you won't talk to me like you talk to her."
Because he doesn't feel guilty every time he looks at Kurata Sana.
He doesn't feel like throwing up whenever his gaze lands on her.
He doesn't feel like his chest is going to cave in or explode into oblivion.
He doesn't see the blood on his hands whenever he looks at her.
"You left me behind... you didn't even stop to think about what I felt." She chocked from a sob. "I needed my big brother and he let me down."
Akito couldn't breathe. The stoic countenance he held so bravely fell at the cracking in her voice and her disappointment in him. His clenched his jaw tightly, his brows furrowing deeply. Guilt settled in the pits of his stomach with apprehension bubbling in his chest.
"Do you really hate me that much?" She barely whispered, and the blond's eyes went wide. "Do you hate me so much that you can't even bear to look at me while leaving me behind?"
Hate her?
He could never hate her.
She was his sister. While they were never close, his anger didn't just stem from the unfair treatment their father had towards their mother. While he never said it, his anger bubbled from the lack of support he gave his sister always.
He could tell his sister just wanted her father.
"All I ever wanted, especially after mom died, was to get to know my brother."
He closed his eyes and eased his breathing.
All he ever did was cause pain to others.
First, it was his mother. Now, it was his sister.
For the longest time, he thought she hated him. Hated him for causing their family pain and suffering. Hated him for ruining their life.
Hated him for killing their mother.
He clenched and unclenched his fists. What was the proper reply in this situation?
The words she was looking for were at the cusps of his tongue, but they refused to fall from his lips.
I'm sorry.
I don't hate you.
I wish I could be a better brother.
You don't deserve to feel like this.
But, he just couldn't. He remained silent as his baby sister cried in her arms, her motions heavy with despair. She was hurting so much. And while a simple hug would be suffice for her, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.
But his thoughts were disrupted by a hard clank as a box fell from the coffee table near the entrance. Both he and Ayame turned their heads to find Kurata Sana standing with wide, teary eyes. She bit down on her lip and gripped at her hands.
"I-I'm sorry. I- I never- I didn't meant to interrupt. God-" She was looking for the words to say while he sighed.
While this was definitely a private moment between his sister and himself, he couldn't lie and say he wasn't relieved at her interruption. This would save him from replying to Ayame.
"I left my keys on the table and let myself in. I should have knocked. God, I'm sorry." She was apologetic and Ayame rubbed furiously at her eyes. She shook her head and gave a somber smile.
"No, don't apologize." She said in a hoarse whisper. The youngest Hayama sniffled. "I'm sorry that you had to see this."
Akito stayed still in his spot, tearing his eyes away from her before she could find his. He refused to look at her as he stared silently into nothing.
Ayame ran into the living room and he could hear the jingling of Kurata's keys in her hands.
"Here you go." He could hear Kurata muttered a quick thank you.
Ayame looked back at her brother for a brief moment before biting down on her lip.
"I'll see you at school, Sana-chan. Excuse me."
She attempted to smile, but it did not reach her eyes as the tears accumulated at her rims. She ushered upstairs, removing herself from the tension filled atmosphere.
Sana stared at Ayame's retreating form, sadness filling her heart.
She turned to the oldest sibling, who stood with a hard jaw and clenched fists. His shoulders were rigid and eyes unreadable.
Her own guilt settled as Ayame's proclamation played in her head.
Sana knew it wasn't her fault for causing Ayame pain, but she sure felt like it.
"Hayama..."
The air around them felt thinner as his body flinched to her calling out to him.
"You should leave."
In normal circumstances, his voice would be cold and inhospitable. He would glare at her with annoyance followed by an eye roll. He had a knack for ushering her out in a hurry.
But today-
Today, his voice sounded utterly defeated as the words came out in a low, hoarse whisper.
He was hiding his eyes underneath the length of his bangs.
She gripped her keys tightly in her hands, her need to intervene overwhelming her. It wasn't her place to get involved, or comment on the situation.
But how could Sana leave when there was so much left to be said?
"I know it's not really my business-"
"It's not." He interrupted, not letting her finish her thoughts. He attempted to be harsh and condescending, but his words came out in mere whispers.
She bit down on her lip, trying to suppress her thoughts.
"You shouldn't have seen that." He lifted his eyes off the ground and turned to her.
Her eyes widened, mouth opening at the estranged bewilderment in Hayama's eyes. His normal golden-brown eyes that were always so guarded were filled with a somber heaviness. As apathetic and stoic as they were, this was the first time she truly saw him.
She was overwhelmed with unimaginable grief and sorrow.
It was worse than Sana had ever imagined.
The pain and anguish in his heart was bearing over him like a dark, stormy cloud. Remorse swarmed the golden-brown pupils that she had longed to get past. Her heart felt incredibly heavy as he protruded his hidden sentiments towards her.
Her mother did always tell her a person's eyes spoke the truth of a soul.
And she could see why Hayama was diligent about hiding away.
Why Tsuyoshi was constantly worried for him.
Why Fuka was intrigued by him.
Why he wanted to kill himself.
"I'm sorry that I did." She replied, softly. "It wasn't my place."
There was a war brewing in her. One part of her wanted to chase after the youngest Hayama and wrap her in her arms. She wanted to apologize for interfering, for taking her brother away. Ayame said it herself. She didn't blame Sana for Hayama speaking with her.
So, then why did she feel responsible?
The other part of her wanted to remain in this spot and continue chipping away at the cold heart of the Lone Wolf.
She so desperately wanted to see what he was thinking, what he was feeling. She had seen Hayama Akito in a few different ways.
But never like this.
"You need to talk to your sister." Her voice came out more forceful than she would have liked, but it needed to be said. Hayama's eyes slowly lifted from the floor and found hers. A glare now in place of the desolate eyes he just had.
"And where do you come off telling me what to do?" He snarled. His demeanor changed quickly from the bleak demeanor he had earlier.
Sana narrowed her eyes, not appreciating the tone he was taking with her.
"You and I both know that girl up there is in an incredible amount of pain right now." Sana gestured towards the second level of the home, her finger pointing towards their rooms. Hayama's eyes flashed with guilt for a moment. "And the only person who can bring her the comfort she needs is you."
He froze, and while he still wore that ridiculous glare, she could see the ice in his eyes crumble apart in front of her.
She took a breath and made her way to him, stopping while she was just one step away from colliding with him. Sana was tempted to grab onto his arm for support. But, she feared that may have been too much for the blond Hayama.
"What she needs is her big brother." Sana whispered. She watched as the muscles in his jaw tensed as the veins in his neck bulged. There was thick tension as she watched his adam's apple move with a gulp she could barely make out.
Oh, to hell with it.
Sana reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. His immediate reaction again was to flinch away from her touch.
How sad, she thought to herself.
Hayama really did lock himself away from feeling, didn't he? With just a simple touch, Sana could feel his body tremble. She felt a wave of sadness overwhelm her, thinking about how removed he was to just feeling.
"You and I both know that she just wants her brother." Sana whispered, and his breathing was somewhat labored; like he was just sprinting for his life.
She inhaled deeply, shoving any insecurities and doubtful thoughts back to the dark prison she had originally locked them. All her memories and pain were erased in a matter of seconds. She rid herself of any lingering thoughts and emotions that concerned herself.
The auburn-haired teen squeezed his shoulder, and she could see the corner of his eye gazing towards her. She gave him a candid smile.
"Take this from someone who knows." She watched as his eyes went wide, no longer covering half his face and looking at her with both his eyes.
Sana felt like she didn't have to explains this to him. There was an inkling that he understood.
"Abandonment warrants the worst loneliness. Because you know that you aren't good enough for someone to want to stay."
Hayama's eyes grew, his mouth opens slightly, as if he was to reply to her statement.
But Sana remained smiling, her hand clutching tightly to his shoulder as she continued to force down that familiar sense of solitude and desolation.
Because no one understands the Hayama's more than she does at this moment.
And she knows that loneliness that especially Ayame is feeling right now is soul consuming. It tears you apart, ripping your heart apart to absolute shreds. She knows what it's like to feel so alone in the world that you don't have anyone to save you from that dark abyss.
She knows.
Sana pulled away and backed into the front door.
Her work was done... for now.
The auburn-haired teen didn't know how long she could keep her own sentiment in place. And she really wanted to save face with the Hayama. She didn't want him to see her in distress.
"I'm going to leave now, but I'm going to trust you to fix this." She clicked her tongue and wagged her finger at him like if she was chastising a child. His chocked countenance did not change.
"She's your sister, Hayama." She whispered, hand gripping the knob of the door tightly. "She's all you have left."
And with those words, Sana gave another smile. Smaller and more timid than before.
"See you tomorrow."
With those lingering words, she disappeared behind the front door and made her way down the steps of the Hayama household.
She allowed herself one stream of tears as the cold air of the winter season hit her face.
-O-
Akito stared at the door, his eyes struggling to remain the composure he has worked so hard to maintain. There was silence in the room where Kurata Sana was just standing in. Though her words were unusually soft and kinder, they spoke so loud in his ears, in his heart.
She was always loud and obnoxious and downright annoying. But, in that moment, he saw something other than the girl with the ridiculous smile.
He saw the loneliness in her eyes. Like his sister, she tried so diligently to conceal her pain. But, Akito saw right through it. Her eyes spoke louder than the words she said.
It was the look in her eyes that made him agitated. Her looking down at him with such somber eyes stirred something within him. It made him uncomfortable, shift in his place.
Kurata Sana didn't seem just right without a smile on her face.
The blond had half a mind to chase after her, grab her by the shoulders, and tell her to stop looking at him with those eyes of hers, to just smile because that was what she was annoyingly good at.
The other half followed the stairs to the second level of his home and talk to his sister.
Facing Kurata was much easier than his own sister.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Akito knew what he had to do.
The fall of his footsteps fell deaf to silent ears as he made his way up the stairs.
The gravity of the situation fell heavy on his shoulders. It seemed like his body was growing heavier by each step and his chest felt like it was under an immense amount of pressure.
When he stopped in front of his sister's door, he felt the frog in his throat gnaw at him. His stare was intense to where he could probably burn a hole into the door of Ayame's room.
Forming a fist, he brought his knuckle to the middle of the door. His hand felt heavy as it was merely inches from rapping on the door.
He could hear soft sobs on the other side, follow by sniffling. This made him freeze in place.
Throughout his life, he has heard Ayame cry countless times.
But this felt personal.
He gave a soft knock, and the sobbing stopped immediately. There was a stretch of silence until soft footsteps pattered on the wooden floor. He heard a creak and the door felt suddenly heavy.
Unbeknownst to Akito, Ayame was standing against the other side of the door, hand clutched over her heart. Her eyes were red and puffy from the tears that ran endlessly down her cheeks.
"Ayame..." He spoke softly.
Said girl hitched in her breath, screwing her eyes shut.
"I'm sorry."
His voice was meager, the words barely audible to those who were paying attention. But, Ayame heard them, and she felt them in her heart.
The words were full or remorse and guilt. And it wasn't often that he apologized. But, in that moment, despite how insecure she was of his own feelings, she knew he was sorry.
He moved away from the door and shuffled down the hall to find his own room.
An apology would suffice for now, he thought.
There was more to be said, that was obvious. Ayame had voiced her own thoughts and opinions. But, that was only a fraction of their issues. He knew that there was much to discuss with one another. They needed to cleanse the air around them.
But... at least they could.
And that was more than what they've had in years.
A/N: I normally reply to reviews through direct messages, but for guests, that's a little more difficult. So, I had a guest account ask how old and tall the characters were in this story.
Sana - 16, 5'5
Akito - 17 (just turned 17; also canonically proven to be older than Sana), 6'1
Tsuyoshi - 16, 5'10
Fuka - 16, 5'6
Aya - 16, 5'5
Ayame - 14, 5'4 (I fluctuated a lot between 15/14, but I've decided that she is 14. She is two and a half years younger than Akito).
Kyo - 14, 5'8
Hiro - 17, 6'2
Other than that, you can make up how much taller/shorter the other characters in the story are. I would assume they are mostly 16 (Sana's and Akito's age group), unless specified otherwise.
This chapter is emotional, and heavy with lots of repressed feelings. We finally get to see a glimpse into Sana's past and what's to come for her. But similarly to the anime/manga, Hayama's story arc will come first. And then we move into Sana's life. But while the main story focuses around those two, the other characters get their mini story arcs as well.
And don't worry. While Sana's past was placed on the back burner, her story is definitely not done. And Hayama is not done with her either.
I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Reviews, criticism, and comments all welcomed!
Until next time!
-Dark Waffle