A/N: Once again, thanks to Insane Boy for the transcript and qazse for reaction help.
"Natures bounty has never been on display so richly as in the new world." Rage spoke softly with a British accent as several ecosystems in the New World were shown, before a number of hunters were walking through an open doorway where the outside past it couldn't be seen thanks to a blindingly bright light. "This magnificent menagerie of creatures is just waiting to be discovered. Today we look at Jyuratodus... is this... is this a joke?" Rage asked, almost sounding offended as a massive mudfish burst from a shallow pond, preparing to drop on top of a white-haired Huntress.
"What's with that accent? He sounds like he's trying to imitate Velvet." Coco asked.
"This is one of Rage's earliest attempts at a lore, so he tried to imitate the famous and highly-acclaimed narrator of countless nature documentaries, David Attenborough. He's also one of the few people that believes there's still hope for our planet and we can save the dying environment and endangered animals if we change our ways." Katana explained.
"He sounds like quite the honorable man." Ozpin said appreciatively.
"Do you think your planet can change, Katana?" Penny asked.
The ice demon laughed at this. "Oh, no way, we are fucked." She said.
Blake, meanwhile, looked hungrily at Jyuratodus. She had briefly seen it in Barroth's video, but she hadn't gotten that good of a look at it. Now that she did, she had only one thing on her mind. "Giant fish..." She said longingly, drooling.
Ilia rolled her eyes at this. "Blake, you realize it was in a nasty, muddy swamp, right? So it probably spent most of its time there? That means all that mud and nasty water has sank into the skin. That's not gonna have great flavor." She reminded her friend.
Blake instantly deflated at this. "I hate you, Ilia." She whined as she was comforted by Emerald and the chameleon Faunus.
"Sir we need you to continue." Some unknown person from a booth requested, pressing a button to talk to Rage.
"This shitty mudfish... I... I'm sorry I can't do this I came here to talk about proper monsters." Rage refused to speak of the fish as the sound of some one getting up is heard.
"Please, sir! If you could sit back down-" The director pleaded.
"Um... I'm leaving." Rage declared as the sound of someone leaving a recording booth was heard.
"Sir... no he's actually just fucking left... well shit." The director cursed, before a test pattern appeared.
Ironwood rolled his eyes at this. "Unbelievable. Just because he doesn't like the monster, he actually refused to speak about it? How childish." He scoffed.
"You will sit back down and talk about that monster, cretin! We need that information if these creatures will appear on Remnant!" Winter snapped.
"Don't worry, you'll see it in a future video." Razara assured them.
"Still, to outright refuse to do his job in such a way is negligent and disgraceful. I would fire him on the spot!" Glynda declared.
A researcher girl was then seen knelt in front of a large, broken egg shell with a substantial amount of egg yolk on the ground. "Ah, much better. Today, we look through the eyes of Kulu Ya-Ku, a curious, frail chicken that inhabits the Wild Spire Wastes predominantly and spends it's time pissing off herbivores. We can tell one is near by due to the gooey remnants of this egg enjoyed by the carrier ants. We ourselves must take a sample for it is imperative to we have breakfast." Rage explained as the researcher took a sample of the egg while very large ants walked nearby.
The cinnamon trio immediately felt a sense of dread when the researcher tracked the dodo from the "gooey remnants of an egg". "Oh, no... Please tell me it's not what I think it is." Pyrrha said in horror, knowing many animals have a diet of eggs.
"M-maybe it was moving its nest and dropped its egg in the process?" Ruby asked hopefully. It would still be sad, as the monster lost its child, but its better than what she and the others were getting a sneaking suspicion of.
"Good point, Ruby. We're jumping to conclusions. There must be another answer. There has to be." Velvet agreed, equally hopeful.
Qrow sighed at this. "Girls, I know you don't want to accept it, but you're just building yourselves up for disappointment." He told them.
The screen changed to show the hunter sneaking up on a very odd-looking bird thing. "The Kulu Ya-Ku located nearby is on a mission. See, the Kulu Ya-Ku is an enigma, as it is simultaneously one of the most intelligent, yet stupid creatures to have been discovered. One cannot tell if it is simply bold or oblivious." Rage explained as the song called "Move, bitch!" played as the beast walked past a group of Apceros, barging straight into some of them, with one exclaiming "WHAT?!".
They finally saw the beast in question, some of them quickly cringing at its appearance. "It's disgusting! It looks like an ugly, featherless chicken!" Weiss cried out.
"Really? I'd say it looks more like a six foot turkey." Yang said.
"I like the look of its skin, it looks like it would feel smooth and scaly to the touch, like snake skin, but the rest of it definitely isn't too appealing." Neo said.
"In terms of fashion, Kulu armor is a favorite. Too bad it's not particularly strong." Tekko pointed out.
"What an idiot. Plowing through a herd of predators like that will only make them suspicious and wary. You've ruined your hunt before its even started." Adam criticized.
"Unless it's smarter than it looks and has an escape plan." Hazel pointed out.
"Not a bad song, though. I could totally see myself being like that." Yang said.
"For your bottom's sake, I hope not, young lady." Summer said, snatching Glynda's crop and tapping it against her hand, causing her honorary daughter to gulp nervously.
"Plowing unceremoniously through the herbivores whose young it intends to whisk away in mere moments. You see, Kulu Ya-Ku is an ovivore. An egg hunter. It has a specialized beak able to effortlessly penetrate the HARD... THICK... shell and a long hook like tongue for lapping up the baby juices." Rage explained darkly, an echo playing over his description of the shell as the beast continued on its path.
Ruby and Velvet immediately cried as soon as they heard the words "egg hunter". "It's sad, but sometimes that's what creatures need to do to survive." Ren said remorsefully.
Cinder held Ruby close as she sobbed. "If it makes you feel better, Ruby: if we get Kulu's on Remnant, I'll make sure we have one for dinner AT LEAST once a month." Cinder told her. Ruby sniffled, but nodded at this.
A lot will also got queasy at Rage's very, detailed description of it eating the egg. "Baby juices... Why?!" Winter groaned, turning lightly green.
"That insufferable dolt. Does he HAVE to make everything sound horrifying and disgusting!?" Weiss asked, letting out a small burp as other stomach contents threatened to follow it.
"I believe Rage is using 'gross out humor' to try and be funny or make jokes, but I very much DO NOT appreciate it." Penny said, glaring lightly at the screen.
The Kulu then reached a nesting sight. "It will nonchalantly stroll into nests ranging from harmless herbivores all the way to the mighty Rathian depending on how cheeky the little blighter is feeling. It's dexterous agile arms effortlessly clutch the egg safely while it's muscular powerful legs allow it to sprint away at high speeds before any angry parents might have something to say. In almost a sense of mockery it will run straight past the owner of the soon to be doomed egg." Rage told the audience as Kulu was shown walking up to a group of eggs picking one up and running away with it, the researcher even taking an egg and following it for a bit, but eventually lost the egg as she followed the other egg thief as it ran past the herd of Apceros to escape.
"So, Hazel. Does that count as an escape plan?" Roman asked with a smirk.
Emerald was dumbfounded, but shook it off. "Well, it did escape. And kept its prize. That's something I can't even always do." Emerald said, remembering a time she went on a stealing spree and she was eventually caught by Pyrrha and Nora. "But that is low. I may have been a thief, but I never once thought of kidnapping." She said angrily, especially knowing that it planned to kill and eat the egg.
"Yeah! That birdy needs its legs broken!" Nora declared.
"Save some for me!" The cinnamon trio all cried out together.
"The herbivores scramble to intervene, but the Kulu Ya-Ku is simply too fast and its thievery in the night is a success. It will retreat to it's nest to eat the egg at it's leisure and then plan it's next move." Rage explained as the researcher continued to follow the Kulu all the way to its nest, then watched as it began to dine on the egg.
Many of them were shocked as it began to crack open the egg. "Oh please, don't show us-" Jaune began to plead, before he immediately went silent as the egg thief gorged on its meal.
"So far, I'd say this thing deserves the title of 'monster' more than anything else we've seen so far." Coco said with a glare.
"Well, that might be a bit extreme. The Magala's and Deviljho were pretty bad. But I agree, Kulu won't be winning any award for being anyone's favorite here." Blake said.
"Actually, Kulu actually loved by a lot of people in our world." Katana explained.
"What's wrong with your world?!" Neo questioned.
"It would take until you're all older than Salem to answer that." The ice demon said.
At some point, the Kulu managed to steal yet another egg and cracked it against the ground to open it up and eat it. "Strangely enough though Kulu Ya-Ku is a glutton stealing up to eight eggs a day it will never fully finish eating any of them. Whether it's simply a moron, or doesn't like those weird bits that settle at the bottom of the egg glass, we will never know. The only thing that is sure for certain is: the Kulu Ya-Ku is disrespectful as fuck" Rage exclaimed as Kulu finished most of the juices, then did something shocking and unspeakable... it dropped the egg while the song "Threw it on the ground" played.
"It doesn't even finish them!?" Velvet cried out, horrified.
"What is wrong with that idiotic beast!? The Grimm may actually be more intelligent! Isn't it animal instinct to eat as much of your prey as possible, so you gain all the nutrients and calories possible?! Your next meal is never guaranteed, so you need to make sure you get the most out of the one you have now!" Ironwood snapped. If there's one thing he absolutely could not stand, it's wasted resources.
"Yeah, something tells me the derpy chicken didn't get the memo." Qrow said.
"No... Poor little egg baby... Smashed like nothing..." Ruby continued to sob, her mother, uncle and sister joining Cinder to help calm her down.
"It's okay, Rubes. Every time a Kulu smashes an egg, we'll have to be sure to smash its face!" Yang declared.
"That's hardly fair, students. While I agree, it's certainly heinous that the Kulu won't finish the eggs it steals and eats multiple eggs like a glutton, it is far from the only ovivore in existence. It was simply adapted to be that way. It's hardly its own fault." Ozpin reasoned. He wasn't a fan of the creature either, but wishing to destroy any one that eats its natural food source may be a bit much.
A Kulu was then seen in the ancient forest at a campsite, digging up some kind of vase as another hunter watched, alongside... someone wearing a Kulu head on their head!? "It is an inquisitive creature with fine motor control and dexterous fingers to put most other monsters to shame. It can often be found raiding hunter camps, looking for trinkets to steal away for it's nest. Fortunately, it is easily startled and a coward and does not pose that much of a threat. however-" Rage spoke of the creature's lack of bravery as the researcher girl followed one, although she got a bit too close and when the Kulu leapt from one cliff to another, she was knocked down to the gorge below. "Ho ho ho she fell right over." Rage laughed at the researcher's expense.
"Is that person... wearing a Kulu's head?" Ilia asked awkwardly.
"Yep! We have a lot of crazy monster head items." Tekko declared, putting a Kulu head on Razara before placing a Wiggler head on herself.
"I fail to see how that is at all practical." Glynda said.
"They're not. Some hunters are just weird like that." Razara said, taking the Kulu head off and hitting Tekko in the head with it, knocking the Wiggler head off of her.
They were then shocked at the over-sized chicken stealing things other than eggs and were not happy about it. Although, surprisingly, the ones who got mad were not the ones you'd think. "Hey! Quit stealing, chicken freak! You're giving us thieves a bad name!" Roman snapped.
"Yeah! Stealing's an art! An art you're ruining!" Emerald agreed.
The researcher then climbed some vines to get back up and follow the Kulu again. "However! Kulu Ya-Ku can be quiet irritating if left unchecked, as they will regularly go out their way to be a dirty little thief and many people report missing objects mysteriously vanishing in the night. Kulu Ya-Ku is normally responsible. It is part of its breeding cycle, as it has a trifecta of tactics for attracting a mate. it will line its nest with these stolen goods in order to impress the female. The second of these is his plumage. Initially thought to help scare away predators, new research indicates it is for attracting a mate. The thicker, brighter and longer, more well kept plumage, the more chances he has. This is why a Kulu Ya-Ku grooms himself relentlessly at every opportunity. He never knows when he might be able to get some. " Rage explained as the researcher continued to follow the Kulu, who barely paid her any mind.
"Sadly, Faunus sometimes work in a similar fashion." Adam grumbled, remembering that back when he had a crush on Blake, a peacock Faunus occasionally awed her and most of the other females of the White Fang with his plumage.
"Ladies appreciate a guy who can put on a show." Summer said, remembering some of Tai's flashy dance moves from their student days. She hoped when she returned that he'd still be able to do those moves.
"Mom!" Both her daughters cried out in embarrassment.
"Thirdly, then and most interestingly, female Kulu Ya-Ku's seem to prefer males that have the largest... Stones. Yes the largest stones. One of the most enigma-esque behaviors in the new world is the Kulu Ya-Ku's habit of digging up large rocks and storing them in his nest. The Kulu with the largest pile is the Kulu whose genes will most propagate into the next generation." Rage spoke of the final mating secret as Kulu was shown digging up rocks and bringing them back to it's home.
Winter scoffed at the mention of stones. "Of course, even acting as a refined gentleman, Rage takes any chance he can to be vulgar." She said.
"He also loves his wordplay. They probably carry around actual rocks." Hazel reminded her.
"Oh, please. Knowing that dolt, he's undoubtedly talking about something inappropriate. Guaranteed." Weiss said.
This caused many of the less mature to laugh when it WAS revealed that Kulu's carry around actual rocks. "So, what was that about a guarantee, Ice Princess?" Qrow asked.
"You TOTALLY walked right into that one, Schnee's!" Coco laughed.
"I'm afraid to say it, but sadly you two did emphasize on how Rage was being vulgar, only for him to his words to be quite acceptable." Penny admitted, causing the white-haired sisters to huff.
The Kulu then stopped to groom itself, dropping some feathers in the process. "In fact, using hidden cameras and new technology for the first time ever we have a glimpse at a male and female Kulu meeting in the wild." Rage revealed as the researcher simply watched the oversized chicken preen itself.
A video of a bird with Kulu's head photoshopped on is pecking at he ground. A second bird with Kulu's head on and a rock photoshopped on appeared. "Lemme smash... Please." The male pleaded.
"No, Ron." The female denied.
"Oh! Shot down!" Nora laughed.
"Sucks to be you, Kulu!" Pyrrha shouted at the bird.
"Pyrrha!" Jaune cried out in shock.
"I'm not sorry. Their baby killers." Pyrrha said, crossing her arms.
The Kulu finally finished grooming itself and proceeded to the shallow water area where Barroth enjoys being. "Despite Kulu Ya-Ku seeming intelligent then, it has a few quirky habits. Able to able to hold it's breath for a large amount of time and requiring lots of fluids to maintain its body in the harsh environment in which it lives, it will drink deep from any water sources when it feels safe. There is, however, a slight problem." Rage pointed out as the Kulu submerged its whole beak to drink. "Kulu Ya-Ku, for a reason still unknown to science, sometimes forgets to come up for air. Wait... That sounds like bollocks. Really?" Rage questioned as he realized the Kulu had been down for a while. "He's really not coming up is he? Kulu!?" Rage asked in concern as the Kulu was shown with its head in the water, not coming out as dramatic music started playing as some hunter's notes revealed the creature had a severe weakness to the water element.
Kulu's body was shown drowned in the water as sad music played. "Such a cruel meaningless way to die for such a fascinating creature. Who is definitely 100% dead there." Rage said mournfully.
Many were outright flabbergasted at the creature being this mindless. Cinder's eye was twitching madly. "A-A-Are you kidding me!? You cannot be serious! Tyrian has more brain power than that! And he's literally insane!" She cried out.
"I was exaggerating when I said the Grimm were more intelligent than it, but now, I actually think that's a true statement." Ironwood said in shock.
"I... honestly, I have no words... That's the first time in a literal millennia that's happened." Ozpin said, shocked.
Still, plenty others laughed at this. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Oh, man. I felt bad for getting low grades at the start of school, but this thing makes me seem as smart as Weiss!" Jaune cackled.
"I should feel bad, but I'm laughing too hard!" Ruby laughed.
"It's so sad... but SO DUMB!" Velvet giggled.
"I guess you could say Kulu's are a bit... wet behind the ears!" Yang said, causing everyone else to groan.
The researcher was then seen following another Kulu through the Ancient Forest. "Kulu Ya-Ku can thrive in the desert as we've seen but similarly so can he in the forest. His skin pattern offers little in the way of camouflage here, but the amount of hidey holes, tree trunks and caves for him to sleuth around in provide many a cover from would-be predators as he goes about his egg stealing business." Rage explained as the researcher slashed some glowing bugs with her knife, causing them to release a blinding flash and making the Kulu drop its intended dinner.
"Whoa. I wouldn't even have to change colors to blend in there." Ilia said.
"That's definitely the kind of place we'd look for to hide and lay low after completing a mission." Adam agreed.
"It's quite picturesque as well. It seems very peaceful." Ren said approvingly.
"On the other hand, it looks pretty easy to get lost in." Glynda pointed out in concern.
"Oh, it is. Uncle Sai almost burned it down three different times because he got lost in it. But then he remembers he can fly." Tekko said, leaving everyone concerned about the forest. While he was more together than Rage, Sai didn't seem the most stable, either. [1]
Penny was also concerned when the researcher slashed the flashbug. "No! My firefly friends!" She cried out.
"Don't worry, Penny. Flashbugs are different than fireflies. They don't swarm up and they're more of loners than fireflies. They wouldn't be as friendly." Katana assured her.
The Kulu and researcher were shown back in the desert in the shallow water area, before returning to the drier area. "Returning to the Waste then, Kulu Ya-Ku has finished yet another egg hunt. This induces in the Apceros one of the most fascinating behaviors in the new world. Sensing the loss of their unborn infant, they will ring together and mourn the death, escalating into a sorrowful dance as they each comfort the other." Rage told of the Apceros' ceremony of loss as sad music played in the background while the Apceros formed a circle with each other and began the dance. This majestic moment, however, was ruined by TERRIBLE recorder playing.
"Everyone SHUT UP! Let just have a moment of silence. To pay respect for those poor unborn babies." Ruby ordered, bowing her head in silence. Pyrrha and Velvet did the same.
"Sweetie, aren't you being just A LITTLE over dramatic?" Summer asked.
"How could you even ask that?" Ruby says, heartbroken, shedding a tear.
But then, the recorder music kicked in and everyone covered their ears. "Dear gods, my ears!" Blake cried out.
"Make it STOP!" Emerald screamed.
"Even Salem's screams of rage wasn't this bad! And that shattered all the windows of her council chamber!" Hazel groaned.
"Truly remarkable." Rage said in awe as the dance concluded. The researcher was then following the Kulu again. "The Kulu then has one secret weapon. He can use aforementioned rocks as rudimentary tools. This ability is unique and uncanny in fact it leads the Wyverian Academy to believe that Kulu Ya-Ku is amongst the most deep thinking monsters to ever be recorded." The host explained as the Kulu encountered a Barroth and dug up a rock to prepare for battle.
"We literally just saw it drown itself by drinking. I don't think so." Cinder refused to accept what she was told.
"Exactly. You tell me derpy bird has ANYTHING going on in that noggin and I'll call you a damn liar." Qrow agreed.
"Come now, my friends. Even those who appear to lack brain power can often come up with the most brilliant strategies or plans at least once." Ozpin defended the bird.
The Kulu was then facing off against a Barroth, a fight now seemingly unavoidable. "It wields this rock as both sword and shield hauling it out in front of himself to turn blade and claw alike. When threatened by a larger beast, it will leap lightly into the air and come crashing down with a thunderous blow to the opponents cranium, concussing it long enough for Kulu to run away, for Kulu detests combat. It is aware of its relative frailty to those it shares the ecosystem with and will attempt at all costs to flee rather than fight." Rage declared as the Kulu leapt into the air with its rock and and came down, smashing the rock into the other beasts head, before running away.
"Okay, well I guess it's not completely brainless." Coco said.
"You know, looking at this, I bet it'd be a great basketball player! I mean, that Barroth sure got dunked on!" Yang laughed.
This actually got a few chuckles from the group. "Okay, that... That wasn't bad." Blake admitted.
"That is indeed an effective weapon. A rock of that size likely must be at least 100 pounds!" Penny said. [2]
The researcher must have angered the Kulu, as it now leapt at her, missing its initial attack, but knocking her down with a slash from its claws. "This adaptation to escape is proving effective as Kulu's can be found everywhere in the Waste, their population numerous. When backed into a corner and forced to fight for its very life, the attempt is- well... pathetic it will flail its claws at you, attempt to smash you with its beak or even throw the rock at you, which admittedly is quite powerful, but easily avoided. In fact, Kulu is so ineffective in battle and so cowardly that you can make it drop its most powerful weapon by simply going BOO!" Rage declared as the Kulu freaked out over seemingly nothing and dropped its rock with a strange noise, sounding like a drunk person freaking out. "It's attacks, then are less likely to make you fear and more likely to make you go, 'Awww, look at the Kulu! It's trying!" Rage added as the Kulu was then shown to be sleeping.
"And it dropped its only weapon. Lovely. This creature is absolutely foolish." James said.
"At least they're most going to be Vacuo's problem." Winter said.
"Problem may be giving them too much credit, Winter." Glynda stated.
"Can we PLEASE just be done with this creepy, dumb baby-killing chicken!?" Nora whined.
The Kulu then appeared to be weakened as it seemed to be limping and running away from the researcher. "This, then is unfortunate, as if you keep pressing the Kulu, you will force it to abandon its home, leap out into the desert proper and wonder where it will surely die of starvation and hunger. Leave Kulu's alone." Rage warned as the creature jumped over a hill and escaped to where the researcher could not follow.
"I will not leave it alone! I will chase it into the desert to make sure it never comes near any egg ever again!" Pyrrha declared.
"Yeah!" Ruby and Velvet cried out in agreement.
"Come on, girls, isn't that a bit too far?" Jaune asked, only for their glares to fall upon him, making him feel like he was standing in the middle of an inferno. "N-never mind. He totally deserves it." He said fearfully.
"Wise decision." Ren told him.
"That then is the tale of Kulu Ya-Ku a wily egg thief perfect suited to hit and run tactics as it goes about its business and all of this is conclusive proof that..." Rage began, before breaking into a rap as the researcher followed Kulu through a cave.
"~ Kulu Ya-Ku, he's cooler then you, gonna roll up on your nest and do what he does best~ steal your eggs, your young, your baby's dead~ slurp them up, oh that's what he said~ Yes, he rocks with his rocks, he rocks the rocks a lot, hitting your head, doesn't care if you're dead, he'll run away and drown instead~" The host rapped in his normal voice, although finished on a strange note as the Kulu was shown drowning once again.
"Hey... Okay, I like that rap." Neo admitted.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Definitely one of Rage's strong points." Yang agreed as they both jammed to the music.
"But a bit of a weak ending, finishing with the poor thing drowning." Qrow pointed out.
"I'm just glad we're done with this thing killing our brain cells." Adam said.
"So, thoughts?" Katana asked.
"It's cool that it can use tools, but... I really hate Kulu for being an egg killer. I know it's just trying to live its life, but it can eat something besides eggs!" She pouted.
"Hey, don't worry, Red. If we find one, I'll be sure to mount its head on your wall to cheer you up." Roman offered.
Ruby smiled at this. "Thanks, Roman. I usually don't like mounting animals, but I'll make an exception for Kulu." She said.
"And I think it'd make a nice Grateful Day dinner!" Cinder added.
"Hey, Neo said it earlier, it'd make some pretty snazzy clothes." Coco pointed out.
"Like I said, I'd get a team of them and put them in the basketball court." Yang said.
"I think all our opinions are less than stellar at best." Ironwood said.
"Can we please have one that isn't scary or super sad now? Please?" Velvet asked.
"I think I got just the thing. Although, Ren? I don't think you and Sakurai will like this one. Get ready... for Almudron." Katana declared.
[1] Yes, even though he's been playing the game for years, Sai still gets lost quite often in the Ancient Forest and has said if he were actually there, the only reason he wouldn't burn the forest down is because he wouldn't get out before it burned down. It's hilarious how much he rages.
[2] I'm not Wiz and Boomstick, guys, I don't know how to do calculations. That's my best guess...