"You gonna tell me why Shield has a therapist on call for you? Guess not. See you around."
Steve just holds the phone to his ear long after Tony has hung up on him.
His breathing is shaky. Shit. Shit. He forgot about that. With everything going on he hadn't even thought or considered about the fact that he's supposed to check in.
Now Tony knows.
Only Pepper knew. At least of the people in the tower. Now that Tony knew… he'd probably tell everyone.
Steve sets the phone down on the nightstand and walks out the door. He needs air.
He's halfway down the elevator ride when his brain reminds him what happened the last time he went outside. He has one of the most recognizable faces on the planet.
So instead of walking out the lobby, he confuses the people at the front desk by immediately hitting the 47th floor button and disappearing back up.
He steps back off onto his floor and walks to the tall windows facing the city.
You think that's sustainable?
He groans, holding his head and shaking it. He hates how much Tony is just privy too. How is he supposed to keep it together when now Tony knows how much he's cracking apart at all times?
After a few minutes, he sinks to the ground and lays there, staring out at the sky.
There is a flip side to this whole thing.
He's completely at ease in Tony's body. It's… quiet. Calm. Non irritating. His skin is not sensitive and he can wear whatever and it doesn't bother. He doesn't feel the overwhelming wave of emotions that he's used to dealing with. He hears things at a normal level.
And the pain of Tony's arc reactor? It's nothing. For a person with a normal pain tolerance level and unused to constant irritations? He's sure it would be annoying and painful. But for him? Someone who's used to pain dialed to 11 all the time? It's like nothing. It's like someone playfully punched him too hard and it's the teeniest bit sore.
It's a fucking relief.
He doesn't have to eat so much either. Yesterday he got through ¾ of a sandwich and was just… full. It was amazing.
Captain Rogers?
Steve looks up at the ceiling, "yeah, Jarvis?"
I can't get ahold of Mr. Stark. He has an interview scheduled for this evening. Miss Potts had scheduled this months ago. I contacted her and she asked me to ask you if you're willing. If not, she totally understands.
"Interview?" His anxiety rises, "about what?"
The Avengers, and perhaps a few questions about Stark Industries. She's compiled the information you may need to know. They've been scheduling and rescheduling this interview for over a year and she's at her wits end with Mr. Stark— He can hear Pepper's vernacular in this message —so she just thought she'd ask.
"Um…" he does interviews all the time. And he owes Pepper more than he can say. "Okay…"
It's not even a minute later that Tony's phone starts ringing. He checks the screen and it's Pepper.
He swipes to answer. "Hello?"
"You don't understand, you are a saint. A god-send. An angel. Thank you, thank you, thank you—"
"It's fine—"
"No, Steve, listen. You're saving my ass. Honestly, I've sent a file to Jarvis. The interview will take place at a studio just downtown. A car will pick you up in 45 minutes. I'm so sorry, this slipped my mind when the whole switching thing went down. If I was to cancel today they'd crucify us again. I'm so sorry."
"It's fine, Pepper. I understand. No one expected this to happen."
"There will be an assistant there. She's familiar with all things Tony and she'll he;p you through, okay? Any question you may have."
"Okay…" A holo appears of a folder, and he looks down, "what should I wear?"
"I'm having JArvis unlock Tony's room. Just pick something from his outfit. Tony's notorious for dressing however the hell he wants. So as long as it's clean, I don't care."
He wrinkles his nose. "Okay."
"I've got to go, but please call me if you need anything else, okay? Again, thank you! Thank you."
Then she's gone and he sighs. Time to start reading.
—-
After 25 minutes he's memorized it. It's actually not difficult stuff, just talking up the company and the green energy initiative and then of course the Avengers stuff which he's already intimately familiar with.
So after that he showers, and out of habit he does his hair. And only at the end does he realize he looks more like Howard did than Tony. The styled part instead of the wild hair that Tony usually has.
He tries to mess it up, but it doesn't cooperate. He spends 5 aggravating minutes trying to copy Tony's wild but stylized hair and he can't. He just can't. So, he just redoes what he did in the beginning. If people comment that he looks like Howard then so be it.
Then he walks to Tony's room. The door clicks open and he doesn't look around. He just follows Jarvis' directions to the closet.
Then he stares at it with wide eyes.
"How does he even have this many clothes?"
He does have an affinity for them.
Jarvis answers with an amused tone.
Steve tries really hard to pick clothes that would seem like normal Tony choices, but again his own habits betray him. It's an interview, he should dress professional.
He picks out nice slacks, and a white button up. And looks at the ties for a long minute. "Jarvis? Does he have a favorite?"
Percentages appear on every item. This is how often Mr. Stark chooses to wear each clothing item.
Steve stares at teh items in wonder. There's definitely a few band t-shirts that have high percentages. A few suits as well. Ties are obviously not his favorite.
Then he sees a couple of 0%.
"If he never wears these…" Steve points, "why keep them?"
Most of those items were gifts or belonged to people he knew. Mr. Stark isn't sentimental but he does have habits about keeping things.
A woman's blouse that Steve looks at the ceiling in question about.
Maria Stark owned that blouse.
Steve's hand recoil. "Oh."
OKay. That's not something Steve expected from Tony.
Might I make a few suggestions?
Steve sighs in relief, "yes please."
A few items illuminate and Steve inspects them. "You're trying to get him pissed off at me."
Jarvis sounds amused, I'm simply trying to match your already chosen hairstyle.
Steve winces, "touché."
—
The car arrives on time and the driver needs no instructions. They arrive a few minutes later at a studio and he's led inside and through several hallways before he is greeted by a young brunette.
"Here—" She says, looking at him. She's holding out a cup of what he assumes is coffee, and she looks ready to set it on the table in front of them. He reaches out to grab it from her and she freezes. Her eyes go to his and they're confused. Steve's hand pauses, and she looks at him strangely before going to set the cup down.
But he's confused too so he slowly reaches forward and grabs the cup out of her hand before it hits the surface. She stares at him like he's an alien. He can smell the coffee.
"Thank you." He says, holding the cup.
She's still staring, "w-what?"
Steve looks around, confused, "uh, thank you?"
Her mouth gapes before she blinks and then frowns, "you're… welcome?" Then she's back to staring at him like he has three heads.
The interaction unsettles him. So he tries to change the subject, "what else do I need to know?"
The woman starts talking, eyeing him like he's a mutant the whole time. He listens as he sips at the coffee. And it's exactly how he takes it. He's not sure how Pepper can be pulling strings from wherever she is, but he's grateful. And it's strange because after a few minutes he can feel the caffeine and the sugar actually hitting his system.
Something he hasn't felt since before the serum.
People are giving him weird looks and he knows it's because he's dressed unusually. He doesn't look like Tony Stark usually looks. But he ignores it. It's too late to chicken out now.
He's led to a sound stage and a chair is pointed out to him. "That's your seat."
"Okay." He answers, "do I go sit there now?"
The woman eyes him again like he's an alien, "you've got a few minutes."
"Oh, okay." Tony's phone starts to ring and he pulls it out, it's Natasha.
"Hello?" He answers.
"Where are you? I can't get a hold of Tony."
"I don't know where he is either. I'm about to do an interview for him." Steve whispers, "Pepper asked me too."
"I hope you're as much of an asshole as he was during that press conference. He deserves it."
"No, Nat. I'm not going to do that." He can practically hear her rolling his eyes, "How did the mission go?"
"Fine. Standard Shield Op. Clint took out three guys with one arrow so he's being insufferable."
Then Steve hears a chipper voice in the background, "three! Did you hear that Cap? THREE!"
"Good job, Clint.' He says with a laugh, "any intel that Shield will send our way?"
"Nah," She responds, "should be all wrapped up. We're heading back to the tower soon. You coming back tonight?"
Steve is nodding, "should be. Hopefully this won't be too long."
"See you then."
She hangs up and he's being waved forward.
He sits down across from a man in a suit that's unbuttoned and the man looks very relaxed. "Tony Stark. Finally getting to nail down this interview, I'm glad."
Steve just nods.
"So, I know you're working on that new energy initiative and powering the Tower. Tell me about that?"
Steve appreciates this, right to the point. So he starts talking, going over the points that Pepper had provided him. He's about to answer most of the questions and deftly avoid the ones he's not sure of by changing the subject. Truthfully doing press conference after press conference has more than prepared him for this sort of thing. He can feel the way the caffeine is making him jittery. So he tries to not fidget.
After about 20 minutes, the man switches gears. "Tell us about the mugging?"
Steve knows he looked surprised, but then he just clears his throat and shrugs, "dunno, it happened fast. Just more of a reactionary thing."
"Pretty brave. Didn't even have your suit."
Steve can't think of anything else to say. The man picks up on this and gracefully forges ahead.
"Well, let's move onto the avengers. Tell me about your teammates, how is that team shaping up? Do you all get along? And what should we expect from it now that the Battle of New York is behind us?"
Okay, he can talk about his teammates, that's no issue. "Well, Thor is phenomenal, as you're all aware. He's not on-world right now, but he's got a soft spot for earth. Having good diplomatic relations with Asgard is going to come in handy. So we're happy to have him and Mjolnir." Steve smiles and the reporter seems surprised. So he moves on. "Shield is helping us by loaning us two of their best. Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton. Both incredibly skilled and smart. Really great in tight situations. I've learned a good amount of fighting technique from Natasha, and Clint—" he's about to talk about aiming and projectiles, but that's not Tony's experience, so he clears his throat switching gears, "really enjoy working up new tech for all of them."
Then Steve feels awkward as the man is watching him closely. "And the Hulk?"
"Bruce—" Steve tries to say without gritting his teeth, "is a fantastic lab partner. Really knows his stuff. He's helped a lot with the finer science aspect of things. And he's of course helpful on the battlefield."
The reporter looks at him, waiting. But Steve doen'st know what he's after. So he moves onto the next question, "the team is shaped up. No idea if there will be other members. We're open to that I think. Anyone fighting for good with skills we could use wouldn't be turned away." The reporter is still looking at him with an raised eyebrow, like he's amused, "and the Battle of New York was eye opening. We're trying to be more vigilant. To—" he's about to say Tony but he catches himself, "too many unknowns out there. So I'm sending up satellites with farther reach. Trying to be prepared."
"You're leaving out a pretty big piece."
Steve furrows his brow, "I am?"
The man nods, "I'd heard rumors and whispers that you two didn't get along. Is it true?"
Sinking realization fills his gut, "oh… uh…"
"What is it about Captain America that you struggle with?"
"I don't think that's an appropriate question."
"You're the one who didn't want to bring him up. I'm simply asking why."
Steve wants to glare at the man, he hadn't even thought about talking about himself. Shit. "It's not that I don't want to talk about him. I just forgot." Not technically a lie.
"You forgot... About the Captain of your team?"
"I'm—" whoops. Shit. "He's not the leader. We're a team. His title just happens to have the word Captain in it."
"So you don't see him as your leader."
"No." He tries to answer calmly, "I don't. We're equal teammates"
"How do your teammates feel?"
"I don't know. I haven't asked. We work together."
"Then why does he seem to do the majority of the press conferences?"
It's funny (or not so funny) being in a body that's not hypersensitive. He's less aware of how agitated he's getting. It makes him speak without thinking since things aren't running at a high level, "Because Fury makes me." He swallows. "Him. Makes him."
The reporter's eyes widen and his own words hit him. Oh shit. His mouth clamps closed.
"Nick Fury? Head of Shield? Forces Captain America to do press conferences?"
"No. I mean, not exactly. He's—" the reporter is leaning forward. Steve wants to bolt. But he pushes down that desire and responds, "he does them if he's asked." Fury has a strange way of 'asking' but Steve doesn't say that.
"Does Captain America like doing these press conferences?"
"It's his job." He answers, eyeing the assistant off to the side, "just part of the job." The assistant is holding her hands out in a 'keep going' gesture.
"Do you and Captain America get along?"
"Yes." He lies. The word is spoken too quickly.
"Why do I get the feeling that's not the whole story?"
"Everyone has disagreements." Steve answers, keeping his hands still even though he wants to fidget. Wants to brush lint off of Tony's slacks.
"What could you and Captain America possibly disagree about? It's Captain America."
That question makes him want to curl his hands into fists, but he doesn't. "Just things."
"Like?"
"Like…" he tries to think of something harmless. "Music. Our taste in music."
"What he listens to 40's and you listen to rock?"
Tony's a well known music lover. So Steve nods, "yep. Just like that."
"So he's too old school for you."
"Sure."
"What else?"
"Can we talk about something else? I don't really feel like you trying to dig up problems in our team dynamics is a fruitful conversation." His voice is sharp. And the reporter is grinning, obviously enjoying this.
"Okay then, tell me why you dressed to emulate your late father? Is this a statement you're trying to make?"
Now Steve is more annoyed at himself. "No."
"So why did you?"
"Just decided to. Next useful question?"
The reporter is thrilled to be riling him. So he takes a deep breath through his nose and calms himself. Soda bread with his ma. Cold soda bottles with Bucky on a summer night when they could afford it. Mrs. Barnes mashed potatoes. The smell of Rebecca's cookies.
He blinks. A lot of his calming memories have to do with food. He internally winces. The therapist said he had an eating disorder. He said he ate plenty. She said that's not what she meant. He had changed the subject.
"Mr. Stark?"
He looks up, "what?"
The reporter is still grinning, "I asked a question."
"Oh…" he'd been too deep in his thoughts, "sorry, must have missed that. Can you repeat that?"
"Are the Avengers going to be a government regulated team?"
"I hope not." He answers quickly.
"Why not?"
"I've—-" he stops. Can't admit he's seen a lot of different governments. That wouldn't make sense. Can't mention the war either. Can't mention what atrocities governments have caused. "I feel like we're a small enough team that we can be effective. We don't need government oversight. The minute we do? We'll submit. I have no issue with that."
"And what would cause you to admit you need regulation?"
"When we make the wrong choices. When we do more harm than good."
"Wouldn't that mean it's too late?"
"We're the A-Vengers." He enunciates. "We're not going to pre-empt stuff. We're reacting. So usually we're being asked to help. By government agencies." He's getting annoyed by the reporter's continual 'gotcha' grin, "do you understand how the Avengers work at all? Are you just asking this to be irritating?"
The reporter chuckles, "just like to be that hard-hitting journalist, you know?" Steve doesn't respond and the reporter leans forward again, "I'm sorry, I need to go back to the press conference conversation. Is that why Captain America was snippy in his last press conference? Because he was forced to do it? Did you see it?"
He sighs, "I saw it."
"He seemed unusual. And unusually dressed." The reporter eyes his clothes, "is this a pattern we should be aware of?"
"Listen—" He says through a tight jaw, "do these questions have a point?"
"If overpowered people become unstable, then we have a problem. Don't you agree?"
Steve sighs, "I agree. That would be a problem. But no one is unstable."
"Okay, so why don't you and Captain America get along?"
"Why are we back to this?"
"Because this is an interview. The people want the truth. Do you get along with Captain America?"
"Yes."
"You do?"
"Yes."
The reporter gestures to someone and an audio starts playing. It's Tony's voice.
— doesn't get it. He's clueless. The voice is slurred. Tony's drunk. We don't need him on the team. What, to throw that frisbee around? He's so out of touch with what's happening. No context for how politics work these days.
A garbled voice cuts in and says something there's the sound of a party in the background.
—left him in the ice— he hears Tony finish. Wouldn't be such a pain in my ass then—
There's another espouse but the audio shuts off.
"So…" the reporter really has a 'gotcha' grin now. "Any response to that? Doesn't sound too much like you guys get along."
Steve's not even surprised. Not even phased other than the twinge of unrelenting sad acceptance that he already had. He knows Tony can't stand him. He's known that since the first day he met him. They're just at odds with how things are handled. But he's not going to let this reporter play this game.
"So that's what this is for." He grits out, "you wanna play gotcha? You have a little recording and think it's some deep dark reveal?"
"Well," the man gestures towards him, "this was a month ago at that party for the first responders. So obviously the team isn't as cohesive as you'd like us to believe."
"We don't have to like each other to be a team."
"So you admit you don't like him?"
"He's fine!" Steve snaps, "we're a team. Not best friends. If you think that recording is going to surprise him, you're wrong."
The reporter blinks, "you mean… he knows how you feel about him?"
Steve's jaw is clenched. "Yes. He knows."
"And how does he feel about you?"
"Who cares?" Steve asks, "Steve is who Steve is and I am who I am. We don't get along. But we work great as a team. We did in the Battle of New York and we will come the next crisis. None of us are unstable. Everyone has work friends they get along better with."
"But what about him specifically bothers you?"
Steve stands, "I'm done with this interview."
He's walking away when the reporter calls out one more question, "you really wish he'd been left in the ice?"
And Steve can't help himself, he turns and faces the whole crew. The reporter and the assistant and the other people recording and working, "sure would have made things a lot easier. And then I wouldn't be having to have this conversation."
Then he walks out to silence.
—
It's an instant regret. Usually his senses and emotions are so high that he's constantly in check of them. Now, without the oppressive nature of them, he'd lost his temper and said things he should never have said in front of people.
He calls Pepper.
"Uh-oh. You're calling. What happened?"
"Anyway you can get that interview erased or not aired or printed?"
"Why what happened?"
"I'm just an idiot. He got under my skin and I said some things I shouldn't have. Things Tony would never have been goaded into saying."
She snorts, "I'm sorry, are you forgetting the press conference already?"
"Just…" he sighs, "please?"
"I'll see what I can do."
"Thanks, Pepper."
"And Steve?"
"Yeah?"
"You're not an idiot."
He doesn't respond.
—-
He tells the driver to go back to the Tower.
But when he gets there, he doesn't want to go in. So he goes around to the back and grabs his motorcycle. Wherever Tony had gone, he must have taken a car.
He puts on the helmet, glad it obscures his face and starts riding. Out of Manhattan and eventually out of the city altogether.
—
Tony wakes up to Steve's phone ringing. He's been ignoring it since last night, but it's Pepper's number.
He answers.
"Pep?"
"I'm sending you a tape. A tape that was supposed to be a printed article. An interview you were supposed to do. An interview Steve did for you willingly and then asked me to retract after the fact. Which cost you a pretty penny by the way. And you deserve it."
His brain is alert as the grogginess fades, "What?"
"Just." She's huffy with him, "watch it."
Then she hangs up and a message dings.
A video file.
Sir, the dampeners are ready. And the clothes are delivered. JArvis alerts him now that he's awake.
"Great." He mumbles. He ignores the video file for now. Going and grabbing the dampeners and letting out a sigh of relief once they're inserted. Then he tests out the clothes. Not perfect, but a hell of a lot better than anything else. It's actually possible to tune most of the fabric out. A massive improvement from before.
He eats because he's starving. He eats more than should be humanly possible. He asks Jarvis to calculate how much he needs to never be hungry.
The number makes him grimace. He eats more, then he glares at the number and rolls his eyes. "Okay." He finally says out loud, "play the interview."
Jarvis complies.
The first sight of himself makes him ferociously angry. Why the hell is he dressed like his dad?
Your heart rate is elevating, sir.
"Yeah!" He snaps, "because that jackass is trying to embarrass me!"
That is incorrect sir. I selected this outfit for him. And he attempted to recreate your hairstyle but was unable.
Tony shakes with anger and spends several minutes calming down. By then the interview is working through the energy initiative and he's able to listen. Steve's answers are not half bad and he's able to take a deep breath and watch.
And then the interview takes a turn.
"You're leaving out a pretty big piece."
"I am?"
From there the interview goes to shit. Steve, in his body, is stiff and annoyed. And he's almost smug about it. Until…
"No. I don't. We're equal teammates"
That makes Tony grimace. Does Steve really feel that's how Tony feels?
Tony watches Steve's irritation grow until he blurts out "because Fury makes me. Him. Makes him."
Tony's as flabbergasted as the reporter. He knew… sort of. That last phone call with Fury had been illuminating. But hearing it out of Steve's (his own) mouth was somehow worse.
"Do you and Captain America get along?"
"Yes."
It's so clearly a lie.
Steve deftly tries to change the subject, even calling the reporter out.
"Can we talk about something else? I don't really feel like you trying to dig up problems in our team dynamics is a fruitful conversation."
The reporter's face is smug. Then the reporter is asking if they'll ever do a press conference as. a whole team. And Steve is just sitting there, not responding, eyes faraway.
"Mr. Stark?"
Steve looks up, "what?"
The reporter is still grinning and it's pissing Tony off, "I asked a question."
"Oh… sorry, must have missed that. Can you repeat that?"
Then the reporter asks a completely different question. "Are the Avengers going to be a government regulated team?"
Then Steve and the reporter go back and forth. Tony agrees with Steve's answers and almost verbally agrees when Steve calls him out for his shit. "Do you understand how the Avengers work at all? Are you just asking this to be irritating?"
He wonders why Pepper had such an issue with this interview.
Until…
"I'm sorry, I need to go back to the press conference conversation. Is that why Captain America was snippy in his last press conference? Because he was forced to do it? Did you see it?"
Steve in his body sighs, "I saw it."
"He seemed unusual. And unusually dressed." The reporter is eyeing Tony's clothes with curiosity "is this a pattern we should be aware of?" Steve is pissed. But the reporter is unrelenting. "If overpowered people become unstable, then we have a problem. Don't you agree?"
"I agree. That would be a problem. But no one is unstable." Tony thinks to the required therapist.
Steve lies about them getting along again.
And then he hears his own voice playing.
— doesn't get it. He's clueless. His own voice is a drunk slur. We don't need him on the team. What, to throw that frisbee around? He's so out of touch with what's happening. No context for how politics work these days.
He's gape mouthed. He doesn't even remember this conversation. Who the hell had he been talking to?
—left him in the ice— he hears himself say. Wouldn't be such a pain in my ass then—
It's almost achingly sad to see how unsurprised his face is. Steve just sits there in his own body like he's heard that audio a thousand times before.
Then he hears Steve say in his voice — "We don't have to like each other to be a team."
He winces. Wrong choice of words. And the reporter nails him for it.
"So you admit you don't like him?"
"He's fine!" He hears Steve snap, "we're a team. Not best friends. If you think that recording is going to surprise him, you're wrong."
Tony feels his own chest constrict with how blatantly honest those words are. Steve knows how Tony feels about him. Knows with glaring clarity. Tony hasn't been subtle. But the knowledge of how good Steve's hearing has been means he knows more than Tony ever intended.
The reporter is actually stunned now, "you mean… he knows how you feel about him?"
His own jaw is clenched as Steve answers. "Yes. He knows."
"And how does he feel about you?"
"Who cares?" Steve asks, seeming exasperated, "Steve is who Steve is and I am who I am. We don't get along. But we work as a team. We did in the Battle of New York and we will again the next crisis. None of us are unstable. Everyone has work friends they get along better with."
"But what about him specifically bothers you?"
Then Steve is standing, pulling off the microphone. "I'm done with this interview."
The next question leaves him wide eyed. "you really wish he'd been left in the ice?"
But Steve's answer leaves him breathless, "sure would have made things a lot easier. And then I wouldn't be having to have this conversation." Then Steve leaves.
The room is silent for a while before the reporter looks at the camera, "holy shit, do you get what just happened? The footage we have of Tony fucking Stark admitting he wished Captain America had never been found? Holy shit, holy shit!"
The camera cuts off and Tony just stares at the black screen for a long time.
—-
He calls Pepper, but when she answers he's just quiet.
"Fix this." She finally says.
"How?" He whispers.
"He's not Captain America,Tony." Her voice is angry. "Didn't you hear in that whole damn insterview? The only person who said his actual name was him? He's just…" she sighs, "he's not even 30. He's new to this century and you think the best thing to do is torture him about it? Make it feel like he's an outsider to be mocked? That your father's issues are his fault?" She pauses, speaking to someone else before coming back, "newsflash, Tony. He was frozen in a ship while your dad struggled with guilt about not being able to find him. No, your father shouldn't have been so hard on you. But… Tony… you've gotten to live a life that no other human being on the planet can say they've lived. You've been privileged and catered to every second of your life besides the cave. And even then they wanted something from you. So you had leverage there too."
His voice is a rasp, "how long have you been holding this in?"
"Since I found Steve passed out in the gym because he'd been refusing to eat enough. And when he came-to he asked if he could start paying you in secret for how much food he was eating! Did you know the army docked his pay because he had to eat so much? Did you know that Tony? Do you even care that Natasha was assaulted all throughout her childhood? Do you care that Clint's own father put the first gun in his hand? Do you know that Bruce's father—" her voice cuts off and he's never heard her so angry at him.
Then she takes a deep breath. "Tony. You do so much good in the world. You donate more money to more causes than any other company on this planet. In fact it's more than most companies combined. I know you want the world to be a safer place. I know you want me safe. I know you loved your mom and I know deep down you loved your dad and just wanted him to think you were good enough. I know that. I know you too well. I've known you for almost 2 decades. But you have always shied away from those in your inner circle."
"Rhodey—"
"Is the exception." She cuts him off, "and even him you keep at arm's length. And also, he's known you since you were 10. Hard to hide things. But those who live in your house barely know you."
He stays quiet,
"And you don't know Steve." She adds. "You don't know anything about him. You think those reels and war movies aren't propaganda? You think the man who sacrificed his entire life to save other people is a waste of space?"
He has no words to respond.
"You know what Steve told me one day?"
He stays quiet.
"After a particularly bad flashback that was right after he woke up. Jarvis had alerted me to it since I already knew about them. I ran down there, thank god I was in the tower. And he'd been by the construction. Loud popping and banging had set off his PTSD." Tony's listening, phone gripped tight, "and I tried to be sympathetic. I tried to talk to him, give empathy about how horrible the war must have been."
She's quiet for a moment then she speaks, her voice a whisper, "he told me it wasn't so bad." She lets out a small huff, "and I asked, what did he mean? Because of course that's not the answer I expected. And he just looked at me, still half out of his mind and looking sick to his stomach and he admitted, 'at least people wanted me there'."
His throat is closed, heart clenched.
Her voice shakes and she clears her throat, "then he said, he wished he'd been found. Because then maybe Howard wouldn't have treated you the way he did and he could have been your uncle. Made sure you knew how special Howard thought you were. Because he stated that he knew Howard. That Howard would have loved any kid of his, even if he didn't exactly know how to communicate 's just how Howard operated. And if he'd helped with that… then you wouldn't have hated him." His eyes close, phone starting to indent with the strength he's gripping it, "and I told him you didn't hate him. I lied, Tony. I lied to him. But he didn't believe me for a second. But he thanked me for pretending. And then he got up and walked away like he hadn't just admitted the most sad, good-awful thing to me."
His hands are shaking. Too much adrenaline and emotion for cap's system. His jaw is clenched tight.
"He would have rather lived his life, Tony. You mock him for being here like he chose it. He left behind his friends, his team, the woman he loved." Her voice is more even, but she still means business, "He chose the world over himself. Something you didn't have to do until you were double his age. And he did it willingly. And you mock him for it. Pick on him for being in the wrong century like he wouldn't choose to go back."
She takes a deep breath and he can hear that she's almost finished. "Be the man I know you are. Be the man I know you can be. Find the part of humanity that you try to pretend doesn't exist and use it. Stop hating a person because you're jealous."
He opens his mouth to protest.
"He's jealous of you too. You know that?"
His voice is a rasp, "what?"
She sighs, "just… talk to him. Would you?"
"Okay."
"Okay."
And then she hangs up. And he curls forward, crushing his knuckles into his eye sockets.
—