To the person who keeps commenting about the realism of things (Lamarquise) I answered your last comment in a private message, but apparently that didn't get through to you. So here I am responding to you publicly.
"Okay. So a few issues here… You may want to consider a few revisions"
Lol do you think you're my editor?
Your comments continually confuse me. "Compromises the credibility of the story"? What credibility? This is not a news article, or a science journal. In case you haven't realized, this is a fanfiction about a super soldier from a Comic book.
I don't care if it's realistic. In fact, it's purposefully unrealistic. That's what make sit fun. Just like the comics. Realism isn't the point and it's never been the point. How boring would this story be if it was realistic in all the ways you described it should be? It sure would be boring to me to have to write.
Also, if my unrealistic way of writing bothers you so much that you feel like you have to write paragraphs explaining what I should have done…. Just don't read it?
If it's trash and you don't like the story, just say that once and then leave! You called it tasteless schlock, and you commented something else on chapter 9. That was TWENTY TWO chapters ago. My child… Why are you STILL HERE?
I don't want to bog down my story with all the details of realism and legal babble that you tried to say I should have had. Why would I use multiple lawyers to do all those functions when Matt Murdock is right there? Or waste time explaining the legal system and how long it takes? I'd hate to have to write the version you describe. It's a fictional story. Not a dissertation on the insanity that is the US legal system or a medical journal. It's fanfiction.
Emphasis on FICTION. Do us both a favor and look it up. -_-
TL;DR - Please stop commenting your unsolicited "advice" about what I should do with myown story to make it more "palatable" for YOU. Go write your own instead -.-
—
"No one is telling Peggy Carter anything—" Howard snaps, "because he's not staying this way."
Tony watches his dad start to lose it. Just a little bit.
"She needs to know." Natasha says, "she found out about the gunshot last too—"
"NO." Howard shouts. "No." He points at each one of them, "no. No. No. NO." Then he's pacing and pulling at his hair, "I promised her that I was going to fix him. And I am. I am. I don't care what you think. I'm going to bring him back—"
Sam's voice is heavy as it cuts in, "Howard—"
"No!" He bellows, "don't you fucking 'Howard' me!"
"Mr. Stark." Matt speaks quietly, commanding the room, "Steve's terms are very clear—"
Bucky pulls out his phone, "I'm calling, Carter."
Matt walks towards the head of the bed where Steve lies still, a huge ventilation system strapped over his face. His hand reaches towards the nurse call button and he's about to press it when Clint throws a pen, smacking Matt's hand, "no, you can't. Howard says he can fix this. You have to at least give us a chance."
"Tony," His dad says, "Call Erskine and Bruce Banner. Tell them to head to the house and get down in my lab with the formula."
"Mr. Stark—"
"Listen—" Howard says, "I don't care what your legal documents say. I will use every lawyer and dollar in my pocket to fight you tooth and nail so that you won't be able to move a finger without legal say so." Howard's jaw is so tight, Tony's worried it might crack, "I promised him 4 years ago in a hospital room just like this one. I promised him outside that courtroom, and I'm promising now. I have to do this right. And I will. It will be ready in less than 2 days." He turns to Tony, "did you call them?"
Tony picks up his phone.
—
Bucky leaves during Howard's last speech, selecting Peggy's contact.
It rings twice.
"Hello, Barnes?"
"Yeah, Peggy. It's me. Uh…" he pauses, knocking his knuckles against his forehead. Clint has said it had been like a knife to the gut when Natasha had called him. Now he knows how Natasha felt. He was just on autopilot. "It's Steve."
Her voice is instantly on alert, "what about Steve?"
His voice cracks, "I'm really sorry—"
"Don't." Peggy's voice is brittle, all sharp edged with emotion, "don't you dare."
Bucky stays silent, a few tears running down between his cheek and phone screen.
Then her voice is fiery, "Where are you, the house?"
"No. St. Sebastians."
The line goes dead.
And he trudges back into the room.
—
Natasha can't listen to them argue anymore. She stands, getting between the triangle that is Sam, Matt, and Howard. "STOP." She shouts so loudly that they obey. "None of this is helping. So how about you all just cram it." She glares at the three adult men, daring them to argue. "There's no way you're doing anything until Peggy gets here and sees him one last time, right?" She directs that question to Matt. "You wouldn't let the nurses take him before she sees him, right?"
Matt's frown deepens, but he's not heartless, so he throws up his hands and sits in one of the chairs on the side of the room, his cane tapping on the floor.
Howard immediately is on his phone and out the door. Sam drags a chair to Steve's bed and sits beside it, holding his hand.
Natasha watches Bucky do the same on the other side. And she sits on the floor.
And she cries.
—
Everyone looks up. The air is shifting and they can sense it.
Bucky sighs, "she's here."
And she is.
Peggy appears in the doorway, her eyes on fire and her expression so intense that it makes the room go quiet.
It's dead silent as she steps forward. Sam steps out of her way and she stares down at Steve. Her throat is held so tightly, Bucky's not even sure if she's breathing. Her hand ghosts down over his and doesn't flinch at the cold, or the way Steve's hand is stiff.
Bucky hears her shaky inhale and then she speaks, "where's Howard."
"He's on the phone." Clint says, "with Erksine."
"Peggy Carter." Matt says, standing.
Peggy turns, "yes?"
"There's a letter for you."
He holds it out and Peggy stares at it. Then her eyes flick up, "how is there a letter for me?"
Natasha steps forward and she takes a deep breath, "Steve had Matt create a will for him. Which included letters. And a stipulation to not use medical intervention to keep him from dying."
The room is absolutely still as they watch Peggy hear this. Her mouth gapes slightly, her eyes glazed as she processes those words and what they mean. Then she turns to Steve, looking down on him, "he did what?"
"We're going to fight it." They look up to see Howard in the doorway, phone in hand. "I just got off the phone with my lawyers. We're going to contest this will, and by the time they figure it all out, it won't matter because I will have fixed this."
"He's not a broken toy, Howard!" Sam says again, as he has ten times, "stop saying fix! He's not broken. He's dead." The last word cracks but no one mentions it.
"For now." Howard grinds out. Then his phone rings and he's back out the door.
"Stop!" Matt says, "Steve gave his last wishes. How can you not choose to respect that?"
And Bucky stands, "those weren't his last wishes!" He's gripping the rail of the hospital bed hard, "it's what he thought was the only outcome! I know he wished to live. I know it!" He points to Peggy, "he wanted to marry her! He said it to me and to Clint and to Natasha and to Tony over the phone after their second date!" He jabs a finger at Sam, "Steve wants to watch his siblings grow up, and he wants to—" his voice cracks, "paint. Draw. He wants to have the opportunity to live!—"
Matt sighs, "I'm sorry, I get that this is a horrible situation, something no family should ever have to experience, but this is how it is."
"This can't be happening." Peggy says quietly, her eyes still on Steve. "He can't be gone. I've only just met him." She looks up, tears streaming down her face, "you don't understand. You can't do this. If Howard said he could fix this. Then you have to let him."
Matt sighs, "like I said before you arrived, Steve himself requested no medical intervention to prevent his death if he was past a viable point of health and—"
"Wait—" Peggy says, her eyes suddenly on fire. She holds up a hand up to stop him, "wait." She looks over at Clint, "go get Howard."
He's gone in an instant.
"Ms. Carter—" Matt starts.
"I said—" She glares at him, "wait."
Clint comes back a minute later with Howard in tow, "what is it?"
Peggy steps towards Matt, "say it again."
"What?"
"Steve's request. Say it again."
Matt's eyebrow go down and he taps his cane, "Steve requested no medical intervention to prevent his death if he was past—"
"That's enough." She snaps, and she wipes at her eyes roughly, "Mr. Murdock, this request does not apply, and therefore is not a stipulation we have to follow." She points to Howard, "you better not be wrong."
"Wait," Sam says, "I'm lost, what?"
And Bucky watches as realization dawns on Matt's face, "now, wait a minute—"
"YOU—" Peggy says loudly to cut him off, "you specifically said that he requested no medical intervention to prevent his death. Those are the words you used. Correct?"
Matt's jaw is tight, "yes."
"Is that the phrasing in the will?"
He sighs, "yes."
Peggy whips around, pointing at Steve. "And would you describe Steve as dead?"
Realization starts to dawn on everyone else.
Matt scrubs at his forehead, "yes. I would."
"Then it doesn't apply." She says so sharply that her voice cracks. "He's already dead. What were his stipulations for after his death?"
Matt grabs the papers back and flips to the second page, "that he be buried in the same churchyard as his mother if possible."
"But nothing firm. No expectation of how long before the funeral?"
Matt gestures to Sam, "Steve left the details up to him. The funds are in an account so that way no financial burden rests on Mr. Wilson."
Sam turns away, his hand over his eyes.
"Sam?" Peggy says softly, "I believe in Howard. I've worked first hand with Erksine and Dr. Banner. They're brilliant. You have to believe this is possible. I need you to believe. You said it yourself Steve's never had a normal life. Why not try something absolutely insane, right?" Her voice is a bit manic, "we try. We let Howard try. We let him try, right?" She turns to the group and then back to Sam, "Sam?"
"I don't know." He says, his voice full of exhaustion, "is it what Steve would want? I—" he turns, walking towards the door, "I need to think."
Matt taps his cane on the linoleum and then rubs his index finger against his chin, "I need to go make some phone calls." He sets the last envelope on the little table and then walks out the door.
Bucky watches as Peggy picks up the letter like it's an explosive. "When did he even have time to do this? We've all been around since—"
"The prom night."
She looks up as do the rest of them. "What?"
Tony's standing there, his phone in his hand. "I went digging through Steve's location history. He traveled to Hell's Kitchen the night of his prom. I presume to meet Matt. That was almost two months ago. Before we came back from college. The same night he told you he was sensing he was getting close. I guess he really could tell."
Peggy makes a choked sound in her throat and turns to Steve, resting her head against his chest, "was it in his sleep?" The room goes very silent, but Bucky and Natasha have not shared the details. When no one speaks she looks up and stares at them, "who found him?"
"I did." Bucky rasps out.
Peggy narrows her eyes, "and was it in his sleep?"
"No." He chokes out. "It wasn't."
Clint and Tony look up, this being news to them too. "What?" Tony asks, "what do you mean? You found him this morning."
"Yes." Bucky whispers, "in the bathroom. In his clothes from the night before."
Peggy closes her eyes and rests her face against Steve again.
"What are we doing." Natasha says quietly, "what are we thinking? Howard coming up with something before he died, sure. But now?" She looks at Steve's form, unmoving. "This is…" she picks Peggy's word from before, "insane."
"So is my dad." Tony says with a snap. "And we figured it out. It will work."
Then Clint speaks, "yeah, maybe he gets his heart beating again, but his brain? Will he still be Steve? What if he's a vegetable?"
Tony is shaking his head, "no, you don't understand, even before my dad and Erskine started talking, Erskine was working on a formula to help cure diseases continually. If the formula works, which it will, it will heal everything."
Clint looks skeptical, "everything?"
Tony glares at him, "every. Thing."
"If Sam allows." Natasha adds quietly.
Peggy raises her head and glares at the room, "he must."
—
Clint can feel the tension in the hallways. The nurses and doctors are uneasy. But Howard Stark's money and mystique have kept them at bay for the moment. But eventually even the power that holds will give out. They need to make a decision now.
He keeps telling himself it's insane. Mentally he's preparing himself for the most likely probability that this is a maniac's last desperate hope and that Steve really is gone.
But damn if Howard and Tony don't seem confident.
Matt has returned and now he's staying silent. Clint wants to hug Peggy fiercely for catching that wording loophole, but she's too busy glaring at anyone who even comes near Steve while they wait for Sam.
Who walks in the door.
Howard and Tony stand from where they were sitting. They've been filled in that it's technically his choice.
Sam's eyes are red and his face is grim.
Oh no, Clint thinks, he's going to say no.
There's a silence that no one breaks. Matt has ceased his tapping and they all wait as Sam's eyes trail over each of them and then land on Steve. "I want to say yes." He starts. But no one celebrates because Sam's clearly not finished, "but I don't think I have a right to go against Steve's wishes—" Howard opens his mouth but Sam glares at him, "Howard, I am speaking. Steve left this up to me. Not you." The words cut through the billionaire, but instead of fighting viciously, which Clint expects, Howard sits down, grabbing at his hair. "I understand the verbal loophole that Peggy pointed out, but I think we all know what Steve's intentions were by that statement. And—" his voice cuts off and he stands there fighting emotion for a minute before clearing his throat and standing firm, "I'm assuming each one of our letters he tells us to move on in his own way?" No one argues, answering his question, so he continues. "He made it clear to each one of us to let this go. I have to respect tha—"
"Carter." Bucky rasps, his throat so cracked he has to swallow and try again, "Peggy hasn't read hers."
Everyone stares at her as she looks at the envelope at the table. She'd stated she wasn't going to read until she knew the final decision.
"Bucky—"
"He wanted to marry her!" Bucky says harshly, "let her read it. If he tells her to move one, then—" his face grimaces and he sits back down again, hiding his face in his hands.
Peggy sighs, looking at Steve, "he already told me he wanted me to move on." Then she frowns, "but that's not up to him." She snatches the letter and rips into it, bringing out the paper.
—
Dear Peggy,
I saved writing your letter for last. This one is probably the hardest because…
Because…
Because I wanted to love you.
I wanted to marry you, and buy a house with you and go to everyone's weddings and let you teach me how to dance properly. I wanted to be in those family photos.
Promise me you'll still go. Go to Bucky and Natasha's wedding, and Clint and Laura's, and Tony and Pep's. Would you mind going to Scott and Hope's too? If that happens? For me? Be in those photos for the both of us. If I'm not there I hope you've found someone who truly deserves you to be in those photos with you.
I know I didn't deserve you, but I wanted to. I wanted to prove to you every day that I deserved to be by your side. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to give you biological kids, but I would have loved to adopt maybe? And grow old and watch everyone else live their own lives as we live ours.
I know it isn't fair to tell you all this when I told you to move on. And don't get me wrong. I do hope you move on… But I couldn't say this to them, they'd feel guilty forever. Even though it's none of their faults. But you and I… I don't ever want to be dishonest with you. Even in death.
And you're strong. I know you're going to go on and do amazing things. I wish I was there to see it. I wish I was there cheering you on as you change the world for the better. But since I can't, don't ever doubt that I'm cheering for you from wherever I am.
I've had Matt set aside a separate account of money under your name. I was hoping that you could be the caretaker of those funds? I've given a list of things to Matt that I want purchased for the first Christmas and set of birthday's that I'm gone. Maybe it's a bit macabre, but I've been planning gifts for awhile now, and now that I'm feeling like I probably won't make it to Christmas, I'm selfishly still wanting my plans to be fulfilled. Would you be my Mrs. Claus? I hope so, if it's too much, just tell Matt. Sam's next in line.
Peggy. Since the moment you saw me and decided you wanted to talk to me, my whole life changed. As a kid in that house I couldn't even think of anything else but keeping those kids safe and alive, and then it was nothing but my rapidly failing health, but you… You showed up and made me realize that there was so much more life to be lived, to be felt. You made me feel like I could handle anything with you by my side.
I want to write this letter forever. I want to keep going because then I'll never leave you. But I know that's not how this works.
For as long as I lived, my heart was waiting to find you. My mom always said that when she met my dad, it was like her heart was complete. I felt that way with you. Everything clicked into place. I may not be your forever. But you were mine. I can't ever thank you enough for choosing me.
I love you Margaret Elizabeth Carter. You can do anything. If you ever forget that, just remember there's some skinny, scarred-up punk out there in the dust of the universe who loves you with his whole heart.
I love you.
Love,
Steven Grant Rogers
—-
Tony watches as Peggy starts to read, and her hand grips the letter so tightly her knuckles are white. Then she's sinking to the floor and sobbing, clutching it to her chest. No one moves or speaks.
After a minute, her hand shakily holds out the letter to Sam.
He takes it gingerly and starts to read. He's only had it for mere seconds before he looks up, his jaw tight, "Howard." His dad looks up, and Sam speaks very slowly. "You have one chance."
Inhales are sharp all around the room and his dad is on his feet, "I'm calling a private ambulance. They'll transfer him to the lab." He's out the door and gone.
Tony looks down to Peggy, who's still a crumpled mess on the floor. Bucky and Natasha move at the same time, sitting on either side of her and wrapping their arms around her. Clint moves, sitting in front of the huddle, cross legged facing them.
Tony chooses something different. He sits with his back against Peggy's looking up at Steve's bed. He reaches up and his hand rests on Steve's where Peggy had last set it down.
And maybe it's just his imagination, but it feels like hope.
—
Natasha's not sure what she expects from the nurses and the doctors who look at all of them like they're insane.
Thankfully the hospital has no legal right to withhold Steve's body, and Matt begrudgingly (although not as unwilling as she might have expected) uses his ability to talk his way out of almost anything to inform the doctors and nurses they need to let Steve's body go.
Natasha's pretty sure someone's calling the cops as they leave but she doesn't care.
—
Clint feels like he's on a heist. But, like, the weirdest most adult supervised heist ever. Howard's car is in front of the ambulance and Sam's is behind it. They ride in the silence, but the absolute gut wrenching dread is gone.
Now there's a possibility.
Somehow they're all insane enough to believe in Howard Stark.
—-
Steve gets transferred to the lab. There's a space in the back Howard has transformed into a mini hospital room. Bucky watches as the people Howard hired hook him up, receive their payment and leave without question.
They could care less what's happening. It would be comical if he didn't feel like he was balancing on a tightrope in the twilight zone.
—-
Natasha answers the call from Yelena.
"Hey,"
"What's going on? You guys have been gone for hours!"
"We're at Howard's with Steve."
"Is he alright?"
No. He's dead.
But how can she even say that? And— she glances up at Howard who is working on some giant metal coffin looking thing she's never seen— it's possible Steve's not going to stay that way.
"He will be." She answers. And she wills that to be true.
—
"You can leave, you know." Howard's voice says with a sarcastic sharpness. They all glance up to see Matt Murdock still standing there.
"I'm not leaving. Either this works and I'm not needed, or it doesn't work and I'm going insist that his wishes be followed directly after."
Howard shrugs. "Suit yourself. But it's going to work. Anyone who disagrees can take a long walk off a short pier."
No one disagrees.
—-
"Howard?"
Tony looks up at the sound of his mom's voice. She walks down into the lab and she stops at the whole group. "What's happening—" her voice cuts off as she catches sight of Steve.
She turns to Howard and the most serious expression he's ever seen crosses her face, "Howard Anthony Walter Stark, what the hell are you doing?"
He feels a smile cross his face, he can't help it. He's almost never heard his mom like this, it's awesome.
"Listen," His dad says, his face trepidatious, "it's going to work. I promise."
Her hands go on her hips, "you better be treating that poor boy with some respect and not like a lab experiment!" She points her finger at him and then looks at the group, "is he?"
They all nod slowly, because it's true, he is.
She takes a deep breath and sighs, "okay. Good." Then she eyes each of them, "when is the last time any of you ate?"
When no one answers she rolls her eyes and waves at them like they're insane. "I'll send some down soon."
—-
Sam stands up and takes a deep breath, "I need to go home. I need to check on the kids and relieve Sarah. Are all of you staying tonight?" All five of them nod their heads. "Okay. Nat I'll bring you a change of clothes, are you okay with Yelena picking it out?" She nods, "Bucky, text your parents if you want anything and tell them to bring it to me. I'll bring Steve new clothes too—" his voice gets slightly crisp on that part, as if it's almost too much to say, don't want to tempt the fates, "Clint and Tony your stuff is here right?" They nod. Then he turns to Peggy, "anything you want?"
She shakes her head, her eyes never leaving Steve's face, "I'm fine."
"Okay." He says softly, "I'll be back. Call if—"
Howard nods and Sam's gone.
—
Dr. Erskine and Dr. Banner show up at some point. Bucky and Tony listen as all three scientists go over the engineering aspects in conjunction with the formula Erskine has brought. It's an intense blue color and it looks like Gatorade. That's all Clint can think. It looks like Gatorade.
—
Bruce looks around the room. He's kept up with Steve a little bit. But to see the way this small group of strangers thrown together in a group has become a family with tighter bonds than most blood families he knows…
It boggles his mind.
When Howard and Erskine are placing the formula tubes into the machine, he takes a moment to walk over to Steve's body. The kid looks frail, breakable. Broken. The scars stand out in the gray pallor of his skin and the stiff way his joints are frozen make Bruce want to look away.
"Banner!" Howard calls, breaking his reverie, "come on, we need you for the other side—"
—
At 4.a.m, Tony feels a hand on his shoulder, shaking him.
"What?"
"We're ready."
He sits up, instantly alert.
"Wake the others." His dad orders.
He lurches to his feet and stumbles over to Clint, "Get up, Barton."
Tony shoves his shoulder and a mused blonde head pops up, "hmm?"
"Get up, they're ready." Tony doesn't wait for that to process. He practically runs to the couch and shoves Bucky's foot with his own, "Bucky, Nat, wake up!" They groan and he shakes them, "My dad's ready, get the hell up!"
Then he backtracks back to Steve's bed, where Peggy lays. Tony pauses, Steve's body is missing, as is the equipment. He looks over to the pod and see's the equipment hooked up to it. "Carter." She blinks, and he realizes she wasn't asleep at all. "It's ready."
Instead of sitting up or looking excited, she just nods and slowly lowers her legs off the edge.
And he knows.
For all her fire and vigor for believing…
If it doesn't work it will be all that more devastating. She's preparing herself.
"Come on," he says softly, "it's going to work."
She nods and follows him.
He can see the blue liquid disappearing into the machine to be pumped into Steve. Then the pod is rising and the doors shutter closed, the latch hissing into place.
"Gonna dim half the lights in Brooklyn." His dad mutters, "let's do this."
Banner is hitting switches and levers and Erskine is watching the meters and the small window at the top, "Mr. Stark, move to 100%."
His dad pushes a rotating handle further and the pod starts to glow. They cover their faces and wince at the way it stabs at their eyes.
Suddenly there's a groan.
And an intake of air.
A gasp.
Then a sound of pain.
Peggy lurches forward, "shut it down!"
"No!" His dad says, "it has to finish!"
Then Steve is screaming.
Everything in Tony wants to do whatever he can to make the screaming stop.
But Clint is holding back Bucky and Natasha is holding Peggy.
"Stop!" Bucky cries, "you're hurting him!"
"He's screaming, Barnes." His dad yells over the loud thrumming of the machine, "do you know what that means?" Tony watches as Matt steps back and his face looks appropriately shocked.
There's a ginormous pop, and the lights flicker off. Only to hum and flicker back on.
And then it grows quiet.
Dr. Banner presses his palm against a button and the pod slowly lays back horizontal.
The doors hiss open, the insides still glowing a warm orange.
A deep shaky breath emanates from inside.
—
Steve feels nothing.
Then Steve feels like ice is being forced into his veins.
Then Steve feels like he's being lit on fire.
And he screams.
Then Steve feels strange.
Or at least, strange to him.
No pain.
No aches.
Nothing.
He feels his orientation change and a loud noise. Air rushes against him and he sucks in a sharp breath. It's shaky. Like he hasn't breathed in too long.
So he tries again.
And again.
Each breath comes easier. His lungs feeling like they've never held so much oxygen at once.
He blinks. His vision is blurry like normal. He rubs at his eyes and then sits up.
And then he pauses.
That hadn't hurt at all.
He lays back down. Then sits back up.
Nothing.
No ache. No joints protesting. Just fluid movement.
He brings his hands around the front and he stares at them. Slowly flexing and unflexing them. And they move like water. Fluid and smooth and without a single ounce of discomfort.
Finally he looks up.
Blurred figures stand around him. He can tell Natasha's there. Because the color of her hair is so unique to his colorblinded eyes. Judging by size and shape, the rest of the crew is there. And Peggy too.
"Um." He starts, "what happened?"
Then a sea of hands and faces are pressed against him. Hugging and crying and he's confused at first until his memory seeps back. The bathroom.
—
Bucky watches as Steve breathes. Once, twice, three times. Then he's rubbing at his eyes and sitting up. Then for some reason he lays back down again. When he sits back up, he's testing his hands, and when he catches sight of them, Bucky watches his eyes squint, as if trying to see what is happening.
"Um," Steve says, his voice clear, "what happened?"
Peggy jolts forward first. Wrapping her arms around him and shoving her face against his neck. Natasha is next and he follows. Feeling Clint and Tony and Howard join after. He can't tell who's crying on who, all he knows is the most relief filled joy surges up and out of his chest.
—
As the group finally detaches from Steve, giving him a second to breathe, Tony looks over at his dad.
Who is positively beaming. Eyes streaming tears and throat tight. He yanks his dad into his arms and hugs him, so fiercely he's surprised they both don't shatter.
"So," Steve says, looking around at them, "what happened?"
"Let's get you unhooked and out of there first." His dad says, stepping forward and disassembling things.
Steve furrows his brow, then reaches up to his ears. "I don't have my aids, sorry, I can't hear."
Howard pauses, eyes glazing over.
Peggy grasps Steve's hand and goes to help him down, and while he takes the hand, Tony watches carefully as he slides smoothly off the pod's table and lands quietly on the ground. Then he straightens.
Fully straightens. Tony's not sure if Steve has ever been able to stand fully straight since they've met.
Steve swallows and he rolls his shoulders a few times, "is this…" he stares at them with a look of disbelief, "is this how you guys feel all the time?"
"What?" Clint mouths.
"Nothing." Steve's voice is quiet. Full of trepidation, as if saying it might make it untrue, "I feel nothing." His eyes are wide, "there's no pain." His eyes start to water and then he's leaning forward, crying.
Peggy hugs him and the rest join again, unable to believe what they're witnessing. A few minutes later, Howard waves to get their attention. He flips his eraser board and writes something quickly,
Steve, I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but I want to make sure everything's in order. Is that okay?
Steve nods, "yeah, Howard. Anything."
Howard nods, "let's get to it."
—-
His dad instructs Natasha to call Sam, who's half furious for missing Steve wake up and half so happy they can hear him shouting over the phone.
Then his dad runs a myriad of tests. Breathing and P.T., ears, nose, throat. He listens to Steve's heart and then draws some blood to run. When he's finished what he can do with his equipment, he instructs Bucky to take Steve up to the main floor and have him shower. "Tony or Clint can give him fresh clothes."
Clint offers and they all head upstairs, but Tony waits.
Matt steps out from the corner he'd sort of hid in. "Well, I stand corrected. Good luck Mr. Stark. I'll be in touch if necessary." Then he's out the door and gone.
His dad turns to Erskine and Banner who both have strange expressions.
"Why didn't it work?"
Erskine lets out a big sigh, "I mean, it did work, Mr. Stark. A boy who was dead is now alive. That's, I think, more than we could have possibly hoped for."
"It was supposed to fix everything."
"I mean—" Dr. Banner says slowly, "perhaps if he had been alive it would have. But the serum had to reanimate him. Perhaps it's focus was on that."
The unhappy expression that his dad wears makes Tony sigh and step forward, "You literally brought Steve back from the dead. And he definitely has had some improvement. You saw the way his muscles were moving, and he said he's not in pain. That's amazing. If his heart and immune disorder are gone? He'll live a full life."
His dad nods, but Tony can see that he doesn't like that answer.
—
Bucky knows he's hovering. Peggy's pacing outside of the bathroom door, and Clint's sitting on the ground, tapping out a rhythm with a comb and a toothbrush he snagged off the sink counter.
Steve's in the shower, and they're all on edge. Steve and bathrooms make them on edge.
But the shower switches off and Steve's hand appears. Clint hands him a towel and he pulls it inside.
He steps out and Bucky watches as he catches his own reflection in the mirror. The towel hangs on his bony hips. But he is standing straighter. His spine and shoulders aren't curved forward anymore.
"Here." Clint offers, holding up a change of clothes. "We'll let you get changed."
Bucky reluctantly steps out the door. Natasha's sitting quietly on Clint's bed. Peggy's staring at the door as she paces.
"Is he…?"
"Seems…" Bucky takes a deep breath, "alive, healthy."
The bathroom door opens and Steve stands there a bit awkwardly in clothes that are too big for him. Peggy strides forward, wrapping her arms around him. He reciprocates, hugging her back.
After a few seconds he pulls away, "I know it would be a lot to write but… can someone explain what happened? All I remember is getting dizzy in the bathroom."
And Bucky hears the rustle of paper. He turns to see Clint sliding out his letter from his back pocket.
He holds it out to Steve who looks at it with a furrowed brow, and then realization hits. His eyes go wide and he steps back, a hand over his chest, "what? No." He looks at each of them, "no, what are you saying?"
Bucky pulls out his own letter and Peggy and Natasha show theirs.
"You all thought I was dead?" He shakes his head, "wait, what day is it? How long has it been?" Natasha stands and pulls out her phone, showing him the screen. "It's… Tuesday? So I was unconscious for over a day?"
Natasha types on her notes app.
"We think you collapsed the night of your graduation. We found you in the same clothes the next morning in the bathroom. And you weren't unconscious, Steve. You didn't have a pulse, you weren't breathing, you were officially dead for 24 or more hours. Howard and Peggy convinced Sam to let them try his machine to see if it would work. And it did."
Steve squints at the screen, "I can't read that, I'm sorry it's too small. Can we use the white board?"
"Can we get someone to bring his hearing aids?" Peggy asks, "or his glasses? Where were they last?"
"We're they at the hospital? I don't know if they got grabbed." Clint says, "Tony may have an extra set or pair. He always was making extra in case Steve lost one." He steps out of the door and Peggy makes a motion for Steve to wait.
Soon Steve is wearing his thick glasses and he pushes in his hearing aid, "that's better. Okay, someone explain."
Howard is the one to take over, giving a shortened and condensed version that sounds much less emotional than the ordeal actually was. Somehow he makes it sound like a routine lab experiment (without sound detached) and then at the end Howard looks Steve in the eye and his face goes soft, "if you'd like to sue me for every dollar I own because I willfully disregarded the intent in your will, then I will accept that lawsuit very willingly."
Steve gapes at him and then he huffs out a laugh, shaking his head, "you know… I think I'll pass." He looks up and then Steve's face grows serious, "I wrote that seriously though. As someone who was living in such miserable chronic pain and barely able to function on my own? Not that I wanted to give up early. But if it was my time then it was my time. I wouldn't have wanted to force myself to keep fighting a losing battle. To prolong the inevitable all while suffering the entire time. Not to mention the stress and anxiety it was causing all of you." He glares at them, daring them to argue. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying being in pain makes life not worth living. I just didn't want to live in a hospice room in pain waiting to die because I was being forced to keep going." He grimaces. "Sorry, I know that sounds dark, but—" he flexes his neck back and forth and he moves his shoulders and then he stands, not a wobble or a wince. "This. This is amazing. I'm in awe. I don't ever remember being pain free." He looks at Howard and he smiles, sticking out his hand, "you really outdid yourself."
Howard looks ready to argue but Tony steps forward and shakes his dad's shoulders. "Dad. Accept the compliment."
Howard sighs, stepping forward and shaking Steve's hand. "Anytime, pal. Anytime."
Then Steve does wince and the whole room goes rigid.
"What was that?" Clint asks, sounding on the edge of panicking.
Steve looks up sheepishly. "I'm…" he chuckles softly, "I think I'm hungry?" Then he winces again, "no, actually, I'm starving."
The tension breaks and Howard is dragging Steve towards the kitchen.
—-
Clint watches in fascination as Steve eats more food combined in one 6 hour period than he has in the last 2 months.
He keeps apologizing. "I'm sorry." He says, "I don't know why."
Clint looks over to Tony and Howard who are having some sort of silent argument. He huffs. Scientists.
"Don't apologize." Mrs. Stark says, shoving even more pasta in his direction. A weird choice for 10:30 in the morning but no one cares. "I'm getting to actually feed you. That never happens."
Steve laughs and tears at a piece of garlic bread with his fingers. "I don't feel so desperate for food. Just hungry now." He looks up to Howard, "will I feel like this all the time?"
Howard grimaces, "I don't think so." Then he pauses and sighs, "I don't know Steve. This is brand new territory for all of us. But if it continues at this rate there's lots of solutions for this. So don't worry."
And Steve smiles a smile that puts them all at ease, "I'm not worried." Peggy, who hasn't let Steve out of her sight since he heard the tale, leans her head on his shoulder. He rests his head against hers and closes his eyes. "I'm not worried at all."
—
They're all dozing on the couch when the door slams open. They sit up, hearing a voice call out. "Steve?"
Steve stands, a smile lighting up his face, "Sam!"
Then he's running and Natasha doesn't think she's ever seen Steve move so fast. They scramble after him.
—
Steve hears the door slam open, making his senses tingle, then he hears a voice call his name. His dad's voice. He doesn't even remember standing up. He doesn't feel a single ache at all.
Then he's calling Sam's name and taking off. He slides around a corner, something he's never done before in his life. But he's not wobbly or unbalanced. He can sense the way his body shifts and slides on the fancy tile of the entryway.
And there Sam is. Staring at him, eyes wide in disbelief.
Steve sprints forward, slamming into the guy, and knocking him back a few steps.
Sam's arms are instantly around him, squeezing him so hard he should be struggling to breathe, but he's not. He can feel the relieved laughing sobs coming from Sam and the adrenaline filled ones from him.
"You're here." Sam says, "you're alive. I can't believe this. You're alive."
Steve's nodding with every word. Yes. He's here. He's alive.
When they pull apart they see each other's tear streaked face and they crack up. "You scared the hell out of me, Steve." Sam says a bit brittly, "I thought I lost you for good."
Steve looks back at the group that has gathered in the entryway, watching, "I think you almost did. But I feel—" he laughs, "thanks to Howard, I feel great. Other than being hungry again. I'm great.
Sam looks surprised, "you're hungry? You need me to go grab something?"
The group behind them laughs and Howard steps forward, "we've got stuff cooking in the kitchen, come on."
—
Steve eats again. And then three hours later, again. Howard calls Erskine at some point and Erksine guesses or suggests to them that the serum alerts the body to what it needs. It needs energy to run. So it needs food. Let Steve eat as much as he wants until he doesn't feel hungry anymore.
They all sort of just shrug at that. If Steve eating his body weight every day is what the serum needs? Hell, they can live with that.
—-
Bucky takes it all in. Steve has crashed out on the couch, sleeping heavily and peacefully. His head rests on Peggy's lap, and Sam's at his feet, his hand resting on Steve's legs. Bucky and Natasha are curled up on Peggy's other side and Howard and Tony can't seem to sit still for the life of them. Clint is sprawled on the ground, a blanket pillowed up beneath his head and his breathing in tandem with Steve's.
24 hours ago Steve was dead. 24 hours before that he was barely alive.
Now he's…. Alive.
Bucky smiles and settles in, pulling Natasha tighter against him and relaxing for real for what feels like the first time in over four years.
—-
Something tickles Clint's senses. He blinks awake and looks over to see Steve staring at him with wide eyes, a cube of cheese halfway to his mouth.
Steve winces, "sorry" he whispers, "did I wake you?"
Clint huffs a quiet laugh and takes in the scene. Everyone else is dead asleep, even Tony and Howard have finally crashed, heads lolled onto their arms as they sit at the table behind the couch.
"Hungry again?"
Steve nods, then stops, looking worried he might wake Peggy, then he whispers, "yeah. It's crazy. Like. I've never felt this hungry in my life. But it's kind nice to just eat. You wanna know something else?"
"What?"
Steve reaches down and grabs a bag of trail mix that's sitting on the floor. He sticks his hand in, trying not to crinkle the plastic. He pulls out a nut, Clint squints in the darkness to see that it's a peanut. Steve pops it in his mouth and chews, "not allergic any more."
Clint's eyes bug, "what! How'd you figure that out!"
"Mrs. Stark brought out that assorted cookie platter remember? And I was distracted, just grabbed one thinking it was oatmeal but when I took a bite I knew I'd made a mistake. I was mentally freaking out but nothing happened." He smiles, "after a few minutes, I took another bite. And then ate the whole thing. Not a single symptom of an allergic reaction!" Clint looks at Steve who seems practically giddy with the knowledge. "And I ate a blueberry muffin later. Nothing."
He shakes his head, "that's wild man, I'm happy for you. Makes eating everywhere easier!"
Steve laughs quietly, popping another cube of cheese into his mouth, "yeah, and with how much I'm eating, I'm going to need that." Steve holds out the little plate of cheese and crackers Mrs. Stark must have brought, "midnight cheese?"
Clint laughs, "sure."
—-
Natasha wakes up and stretches, Bucky sleepily shifts as she moves out of his grip but he doesn't wake. She blinks, always one to be pretty alert right when she wakes. Her eyes land on Peggy's who is still asleep, a blanket on her lap.
But no Steve.
Natasha looks around and doesn't see him anywhere. She stands then, starting to feel a mix of panic and telling herself to not freak out. She walks to the kitchen, seeing it's just past 6am. Mrs. Stark is sipping a steaming cup of coffee at the breakfast nook. "Mrs. Stark?"
She looks up, "good morning, early riser I see."
Natasha nods, "yeah kinda used to waking up early. Have you seen Steve?"
Mrs. Stark grins, "yes, he's already eaten a substantial breakfast, and then he told me to tell anyone who asks that he's in the pool."
"Oh." Natasha yawns and then nods, "okay cool, I'm going to go check on him."
The older woman waves her hand in a 'go ahead' motion as she sips at her coffee.
Natasha walks quickly, passing by Tony's room and out through the side wing of the house that leads to the indoor pool. She enters through the locker room, changing into the suit she keeps in her little cubby. Howard had labeled little cubbies for each of them, letting them keep swimsuits and anything else they want for the pool. As she steps out into the steamy pool room, she braids back her hair.
Then she freezes, Steve's swimming, cutting through the water like a fish. Her mouth gapes as he reaches the edge and flips, kicking off the side and swimming half the pool before coming up for air. Something akin to disbelieving giddiness fills her as she bounds forward, leaping into the pool and crashing through the water. When she resurfaces, Steve's standing and looking at her.
He grins and she grins back.
"Enjoying a swim?" She asks.
"Yeah," he scruffs at his hair sending water everywhere, "I just woke up and I feel like I have so much energy. It's crazy."
"That's awesome though," she says walking through the water towards him, "how does it feel?"
Steve leans back, letting his body float on the surface, "it feels amazing."
Natasha pokes him in the ribs, noticing the way his belly is poking out a bit from his big breakfast, "wanna race?"
He looks at her and a fire she hasn't seen since maybe the baseball game that first summer is clear in his eyes. "Oh, you're on!"
—
Steve swims for hours and only leaves the pool because he's starving again. He and Natasha rinse off, get dry, then put on new clothes.
He's eating in the kitchen when Bucky and Clint come wondering in. "How long have you guys been awake?"
Natasha speaks around a mouth full of bagel, "like 3 hours."
"4 and a half." Steve says, grabbing another pancake, "what are we going to do today?"
They blink at him, and then Clint looks positively gleeful, "come climbing! Phil's always inviting employee's friends and family. He'd love to see the whole group come. Hell, bring all the kids."
"Bring all the kids where?" Sam's sleepy voice says as he enters the kitchen.
"To my work." Clint says, "we can have a climbing party."
"I want to go home first." Steve says, swallowing a bite, "I wanna see the kids, and then maybe we can go?"
Sam smiles, "sounds like a plan to me."
—-
Steve walks through the door and calls out, "kids?"
The pitter patter of all sizes of feet is heard and then they all appear, some on the stairs and others from the living room. Sarah pokes her head out of the kitchen and then sees him, "Steve!" She strides forward and drags him into a hug. One that's reminiscent of four years ago when she found him wallowing in the bathroom upstairs, "you're back!"
And he knows what those words are said in palce of.
You're alive.
"Yeah," he says, hugging her back, "I'm here." Then the kids are excitedly chattering at him and Peter is studying him.
"We're going to a rock climbing place." Sam calls out, "everyone grab tennis shoes, and good clothes to wear."
The kids scatter except Pietro, Wanda, Peter, and Daniel. They look at Steve and their eyes narrow.
"Something is different." Wanda says, "are you okay?"
Steve nods, "I'm great actually. All that testing Mr. Stark was doing actually helped." He ruffles Peter's hair, "how' was here the last couple of days? Sorry to freak everyone out." He smiles, and listens and Pietro gives a run down of their first two days of summer. Sam had told the kids that Steve had had a major infection hit him hard and that's why he'd had to go to the hospital. He's glad. That's better than them knowing the truth, which was hard to know anyways.
Peggy texts him. She'd gone home to shower and change and meet them there. But he's noticed she's been checking in. He doesn't mind.
Everything alright?
We made it to the house, just changing and then we will meet you there.
Can't wait. Love you.
Steve smiles, love you too.
—-
Tony stares up in awe. Steve climbs smoothly, his bony arms reaching and pulling with ease. Steve's laughing. A sort of gleeful in disbelief laugh that the rest of the group is echoing. Clint, who had casually decided to climb next to Steve, looks on with wide eyes as Steve and he keep pace. They make it to the top, Steve rings the bell and belay's down. His feet thunk on the mat and he looks around.
"I did it." He looks up at the wall he just climbed, "I did it and I don't feel a thing!"
Tony shakes his head chuckling, "hell yes you did. You were like a monkey up there."
Peggy rolls her eyes and steps forward, she studies Steve's face and laughs, "you're hungry again, aren't you?"
Steve's cheeks heat, "is it that easy to tell?"
"Come now," she says with a grin, grabbing the loop of his harness and pulling him with her, let's go to the snack counter. My treat."
Tony watches as Steve tries to protest but Peggy's just laughing and dragging him away.
Sam is wrangling some other kids into harnesses and Clint goes over to help.
"Imagine." Tony says, pointing at the group of kids and then turning to gesture to Steve. "If the heart scans come back alright, and they will, Steve doesn't just get to live to 22 or 30 years. He's going to live to see all of them grow up. Be at all the weddings. See their kids. Maybe have his own."
Natasha wrinkles her nose with a happy smirk, throwing a thumb back towards Steve and Peggy, "I think their wedding will be first." They all turn to see Peggy grabbing Steve's collar and kissing him so fiercely that he turns red in the ears. But when they part there's only soft fondness on his face and he laughs, pulling on one of her curls like it's made of gold.
"Fine by me." Bucky says, pulling his harness strap tighter. Then his face grows serious, "are not going to talk to him about our letters?"
No one had shared their letters. Only Sam had read Peggy's, and not even the whole thing.
Both Tony and Natasha sigh, "I don't know," Natasha says softly, "he wrote those when he thought he was dying. Hell, he was dying." She looks at Steve who's never looked healthier. Even with his bony frame, he looks… full. Fresh. She doesn't know how to describe it. He doesn't look translucent anymore. He's not hunched over and moving slowly. "I think we let those letters go. He's not going anywhere anytime soon."
Tony looks over at Bucky and he sees a look on his face. And it sinks in to Tony that Bucky had been there first both times. Once with Clint and the dumpster. And then alone in the bathroom. His dad hadn't really explained to Steve that it was Bucky alone who found him first.
But Tony remembers the haunted look in Bucky and Clint's eyes for a while after the dumpster incident. He wonders if Bucky will feel the same, even though the outcome is completely different.
As Natasha clips on and starts her ascent. Tony grabs Bucky's elbow and pulls him to a halt. Bucky looks back and tilts his head in question, "what's up?"
"If you ever…" Tony huffs, he's not exactly good at this type of stuff, "if you ever need someone to talk to. And I mean like a professional. Not me. I mean, I'm okay if you wanna talk to me too, I'm just saying that if you feel like you want to really talk about it all. You should talk. To a professional. Don't be afraid to. That's a lot to go through. So. You should. If you want to. Or need to. Okay?"
Bucky's expression is lost at first and then shifts as he understands. He nods and looks down at his shoes before looking back up and over at Steve, "yeah. I got it."
"Good." Tony responds as Bucky clips on and begins to ascend.
—
Steve wakes up in his bed. He sits up and grabs his glasses. He's been home for two days now, and he's back in his bed upstairs.
He can't seem to stay asleep for too long. He has too much energy. And…
He's hungry.
Again.
The soft breathing of all the kids in the room makes him smile. He missed that when he was down stairs.
He quietly creeps out of bed and revels in how fluid and pain free his movements are. He slips into the hallway and down the stairs to the kitchen.
He opens the fridge and the light makes him blink.
The easiest and quietest thing to eat is toast. So he turns the flashlight of his phone on, places four pieces into the toaster oven and turns it on. The machine hums as it heats up and he grabs strawberries from the little bowl in the fridge.
Quietly he rinses them and slices them. Then he grabs the jar of Nutella, and catches the toaster oven before it beeps out loud.
The glow from the street lights filter in as he eats. Every once and a while headlights pass over, lighting it up briefly before plunging him into mostly darkness again.
It's amazing how fast the food is gone. And he huffs in disbelief about how hungry he still is.
So he goes digging. Each kid has a little snack basket in the bottom cupboards. Back when Sam had first taken over, he explained to Steve how the instability of a food supply can really affect a kid's mental state. Steve had laughed wryly. He knew that all too well.
So, along with making sure there was always an abundance of visible food (fruit on the counters, chip bags in the pantry, bread loaves on the shelves) he also created a system where kids requested a few personal favorite snacks and Sam kept them stocked. That way, at any time, a kid knew they had access to food.
Steve reaches into his cubby and pulls out the little packages. He rips one of the snack packs off and looks at it with a smile. It was something he'd eaten with his ma a lot, that he'd loved as a kid and had had a long shelf life. He dips the little hardened breadstick into the basically plastic cheese and chews thoughtfully.
After that he cut up an apple with more Nutella, then a banana. Then more toast.
After that he tries water. Drinking a lot of that and waiting for it to settle.
But he's still hungry.
So he grabs his keys, a pair of shoes, his wallet and his phone and he walks out the front door.
—-
Natasha rises early, and she notices Steve's bed is empty. She rolls her eyes. He can barely sleep now it seems. Her feet are quiet as she slips down the stairs and to the kitchen. Where she then stops in shock at the sight before her.
Steve has music playing softly, and is standing at the stove flipping what looks like slices of French toast. Then mixing scrambled eggs and seasoning hash browns.
"Steve?"
He looks up and smiles, "morning. You hungry?"
She's not really, but she nods, "sure I'll take a plate. I thought this morning was a cereal morning?"
Steve shrugs, "I was hungry, thought I'd run out and grab some stuff then it turned into this." He gestures to the stack of finished French toast. "Then I realized halfway through that it's summer and no one gets up early." Steve laughs, "but by then it was too late. I was committed, here—" he shoves a full plate at her and she sits at the large table. "I'm just going to finish this stack and then I'll stop."
Natasha's halfway through her first piece, "did you walk all the way to the actual grocery store?" She eyes the brand of orange juice, knowing the closest bodegas don't sell it.
The way Steve's shoulders bob up and down like it's no big deal makes her laugh, "I had a lot of time and a lot of energy. So yeah."
It's such a strange feeling to not be immediately protective. To not immediately ask him what he was thinking by walking that far or going alone.
But now he can walk. He can run and swim and climb. She hasn't seen him yawn in days.
"Well that was nice of you." She says honestly, "Sam's going to love this."
"I definitely do." They both look up to the back kitchen door to see Sam smiling and leaning against the door frame. "Morning."
And Natasha watches a happy smile cross Steve's face, "morning. Hungry?"
Sam nods, "oh yeah, let me wake the kids and we'll all be right down."
Steve nods and Natasha eats contentedly while Steve hums along to the music.
—-
His dad goes over and over the formula papers that Erskine is willing to share. He deconstructs his machine and reconstructs it.
Tony watches as he sighs after two weeks and throws up his hands. "Everything's exactly how it should have been. It should have worked!"
"Dad!" He laughs, "it did work! You're crazy if you think otherwise."
The long suffering sigh makes him laugh again. "Maybe it's like Bruce said. If I'd gotten it done faster and then—"
"Dad." Tony snaps, "as your only biological heir, and the only one who knows what our brains are like, I'm going to stop you right there. That's some dangerously close to sounding like you're going to pull Steve in for some more tests just in case type thinking—"
"Well, I—"
"No." Tony stands and silences his father with a wave of his hands. "No. You're not doing that. You're not doing that to Steve. Or Sam. And you're definitely not doing that to yourself." He sighs at the dejected look on his dad's face. "Dad." He throws his hands up, "you brought Steve back from the dead. The DEAD. He was gone. And you're mad because his eyes don't work well?" Tony shakes his head, "no. That's bullshit. So I'm telling you right fucking now. Drop it."
His dad glares at him. But then his shoulders sag and he sets down the dry erase marker. "Okay. Fine."
Tony feels one side of his lips turn up, "you're unbelievable, you know that?"
His dad's eyes flicker with amusement and he tilts his head, "I think you're forgetting we wouldn't have figured out the differential energy issue if you hadn't had the idea."
Tony smirks, "learned from the best."
His dad rolls his eyes but the smile is genuine. "Come, Steve's rubbing off on me. I'm hungry."
Tony laughs as they walk towards the elevator.
—
It's a strange mixture of excitement and anxiety when Steve realizes he hasn't planned for his future at all. He'd been expecting to not even make it to college let alone the rest of his life.
So, without telling anyone, he'd been researching what schools took late acceptance and where he might possibly be able to afford. Steve wasn't going to take back any of the money he'd separated out.
He'd texted Matt and the man had responded with a date and time he'd like to meet.
That was today. In 3 minutes. Steve looks up at the door as the bell jingles open and Matt walks into the cafe, his cane tapping.
"Hey." Steve says as he approaches the table.
"Hey, Steve." The man says as he sits, "how have you been feeling?"
"Great honestly." And it's true. He has, "I heard you were there."
Matt's face shifts to serious, "yes. I was. And I did try to have your wishes followed. But I assume Ms. Carter explained?"
Steve laughs, "don't worry, I'm not mad. I'm…" he breathes out, "deeply relieved. Just because I'd made peace with going didn't mean I wanted to. And to be given this second chance? And a healthy one at that? I'm grateful."
Matt seems to relax a bit at that, "that's good. Your heart sounds strong."
Steve narrows his eyes, "I thought you said you couldn't hear heartbeats?"
Matt shrugs, "just a guess. Your scans come back?"
"Yeah," Steve says with a smile, "heart condition is gone, and my immune disorder. Allergies are gone, and my arthritis and asthma. It's like out of a science fiction novel."
The huff of humored exasperation makes Steve laugh, "Mr. Stark was very insistent on what he could accomplish. And I suppose he was right to be so confident."
"I owe him a great debt." Steve says softer.
Matt taps on the table lightly and his voice is calm as he speaks, "the way I heard him speak… I don't think he sees it like that at all. In some way he views this as the way he paid you back. I think he'd see you guys as even." Then he smiles, "just saying."
—-
Steve uses some of the money he'd set aside for his funeral to pay for some applications. He was going to meet up with Peggy and the rest to go see a movie in a bit.
And he decides it's time to bring it up. So he walks to Sam's room and knocks.
"Come in!"
He steps inside the neatly ordered room, and finds Sam sitting on his bed and looking at paperwork.
"Hey."
"Hey, what's up?"
"I wanted to talk about something."
Sam immediately pushes aside the papers and looks up at Steve, "what is it?"
"You have it don't you?"
Sam looks at him, "have what?"
Steve sighs, "the notebook. My box."
The look that crosses Sam's face makes him internally grimace. "I do. What took you so long to ask about it?"
There's a beat of silence. "I didn't think about it at first. And then once I got back to the house all my stuff was already upstairs waiting for me. Except that. So I thought you'd bring it up since you obviously had been the one to find it. The others would have said something already."
"I'm a patient man."
"I know."
"Why?"
"It was a bad night." Sam stays silent. "You snooped."
"You were dead." The words come out dry and painful, "it wasn't snooping."
"Fair enough." Steve admits. "But I drew that on a bad night."
"Then why did you keep it?"
"It's just art. It didn't mean anything."
"Art to you always means something."
Steve winces. "Okay. That's true. But like I said. It was a bad night. And once I put those feelings onto paper I was able to let them go."
"I haven't even mentioned the list yet."
Steve inhales slowly, "yeah, but that's reasonable. Everyone has one of those."
"Talking to your mom again?"
He grimaces, "first, no one was supposed to see that, I thought I would have time to burn it, and two it was more of a joke. From when I was drugged up in the hospital remember? Bucky told me I said I wanted to talk to her again and ride in a jet. It was a funny callback."
"I'm not laughing."
Steve sighs and flops on the bed, "I'm sorry. Really. But in my defense… you can't even begin to imagine the pain I was in. Physically, and…" he rolls onto his side, facing away from Sam, "mentally, emotionally."
A warm hand rests on his shoulder, "I know. I'm not trying to get on your case. You're right I can't even imagine, but I hate knowing you were thinking like that."
Steve turns over, giving him a rueful grin, "you know me, always one for the dramatics."
"Do you want it back?"
"I want the box and notebook back."
"Can I burn it?"
Steve smiles and nods, "yeah."
Sam stands, going to his closet and reaching high, pulling Steve's box down from the top shelf.
He hands it to Steve and he pulls off the lid.
It's sitting right on top. He winces at the drawing.
It's the dumpster. And written in scratchy graffiti letters on the front are the words:
Here lies Steve Rogers
Where He Belongs
His eyes flick up to Sam's who looks like he's trying very hard to stay light hearted.
"I don't feel this way." Sam stays quiet. "Sam, I promise. I don't."
"I want you to talk to someone."
"Sam, I—"
"For me." Sam says softly, "for me. Just a few appointments. Okay? No one has ever been through what you've been through. And it's going to weigh on you at some point. So please? For me?"
Steve closes the box and sighs, "okay Sam. I will."
"Thank you." Then he shoves the box top away and grabs the drawing, "can we burn this now?"
Steve grins, "yeah. Let's do it."
—
Bucky's watching the movie when Steve leans forward, a audible gasp of pain exiting his lips.
"What?" He whispers, leaning forward.
Steve waves at him and adjusts his hearing aid. "Nothing, it just got like really loud all of the sudden."
Tony, who has Pepper's hand in his a few seats down, leans forward, "what's wrong?"
Steve adjusts the volume and waves at Tony too, "nothing, just a volume issue. Now, shh."
Bucky huffs out a laugh as Steve continues eating popcorn and Peggy sets her head on his shoulder again.
About 20 minutes later, the movie hits its climax, explosions and loud music blaring through the theater, "ah!" He hears from his left.
Steve's covering his ears and leaning forward again.
"Steve?" Peggy asks, leaning forward, "are you alright?"
Steve nods, but he adjusts the volume of his aid again, "Yeah, just think maybe it's on the fritz. Or—"
"Here," Tony offers, "let me see." Steve takes it out and then freezes.
His eyes widen and he gasps, sticking a finger into his ear and scratching at it like it itches, "oh—"
He looks at them, his eyes glowing in the reflection of the giant screen.
"What's going on?" Clint asks from further down the row.
Steve turns to them, slowly letting a grin split his face, "I can hear." He laughs, probably too loudly for a movie theater where people are in a high speed car chase, but he stands and he's laughing, "I can hear! In both ears!" He turns to Tony, "I can hear." And then his voice gets impossible quiet but they still hear every word, "I can hear again."
—