The next missions weren't easier, but they were more… expected. Bucky felt more at peace with his actions even if he still mentally struggled with the choice. Watching the way the men he killed had treated the women or people around them moments before he killed them… it helped. Seeing the harm they were doing or had done made sense why he was ordered to take them out.
He didn't use that logic to justify, but to accept. That's what Castle would reiterate. Although he could tell that Castle took every death on their hands as a hash mark under the category: Scum of the Earth Handled.
Their fourth mission was where things shifted. The first three he'd had a higher count than anyone on the team.
The fourth mission had him up high on a building in Eastern Asia.
He wanted to sight see, but there was almost no time. What a stupid thought to think while sitting there waiting for his target to exit the building.
Except his target doesn't exit the building.
And he hears an explosion.
Where the hell was that? Blaze shouts over the coms, stationed near the guarded exit to make sure no one got out on foot.
Castle's voice makes Bucky go still, Rogers, Morita, come in.
No answer.
The smoke starts to exit the windows of where Steve and Morita had entered.
Clint's voice joins the fray, what level did that originate! Are they below or above—
A cough and then Morita's voice, — trap, remote detonator— is all Bucky can make out of the jumble.
Where's Rogers?! Castle snaps, what's your location?
I'm on the ground level now.
Morita doesn't answer the first part of the question.
Barnes hears himself practically growl into the coms, and why isn't Steve with you?
Morita's rasping voice is quiet, there are civilians in basement. Meant to occupy us while—
They're running! Blaze shouts, cutting in, grid shows them using the sewage tunnel, Castle you're closest!
I'm on it. Blaze, Barton, follow me. Morita, Barnes, get to Rogers.
But— Clint's voice is hesitant. And Bucky understands.
I'll get him. Barnes promises, go.
They scramble into action and he starts scaling down the side of the building using the fire escapes.
He blasts through the door and finds a pile of bodies. He can see the perfect shots that have caused them to lay there lifeless.
He sees one of Steve's pistols on the ground. He grabs it, noting that the magazine is empty. And places it in his belt.
He passes more bodies than he cares to count, until he catches up with Morita who had worked towards him from the other side.
"The fire is on the next level down." Morita says, his voice still raspy and face covered in sweat and smoke, "you'll need a mask."
They adhere their face masks and descend. Passing more unconscious or dead guards as they go.
"Was this all Steve?" Bucky asks with incredulity.
Morita just nods, looking a bit haunted, "yeah. When he found out they were keeping women and children down here just to keep us distracted from going after them?" He shakes his head, "I… I'd never seen him like that. He took off without waiting for me."
Bucky just keeps descending. He knows what the determined and unyielding Steve looks like. The smoke is getting thicker and more difficult to see through.
"Left." Morita calls when they exit into a hallway.
The concrete basement is a labyrinth but he follows Morita's directions until they enter a smoke-filled room at the end of the hallway. One side of the wall is smoldering from the explosion, wallpaper peeling off from the heat. Rubble and building debris is scattered from the explosion. Bucky looks around, there had obviously been a chaotic exit. But there's no one there.
"Over here—" He turns, finding Morita staring at a large metal vent that's clearly been removed from the wall.
"We need to get out of here." Bucky exclaims, suddenly sure that Steve is already out of the building, "now."
Morita doesn't argue and they're about to make their way back out when they realize why Steve hadn't exited the door.
A detonator beeps red at them.
Rigged to blow if the door is opened from the inside.
Which means they're trapped too.
Barnes curses as he hears the heat shift the walls, "well, if it worked for them." He barrels towards the vent and starts climbing through the hole. It's a tight squeeze with all his gear but the adrenaline doesn't let him pause, scrambling against the vent and then bursting out another removed vent.
Morita drops to the ground beside him and they're in a boiler room. It's hot, and Bucky can see the fire burning by the doorway that's around the corner from them. "What the hell do we do now?" He asks.
"Holy shit."
He spins to find Morita halfway around a corner and staring at something.
Bucky walks to see what he's reacting to and pauses. His eyes getting wide.
A large metal grate is ripped and crumpled to the side. A huge hole in the ground, leading to probably the sewers is visible.
Bucky takes one second to look at the grate. The screws are still attached. And handprints are visible.
"Holy shit." Morita breathes again. But his curse is punctuated by an explosion and the heat sears through the vent.
They scramble back and look at each other. "It must have been rigged to blow even if they didn't open the door from the inside." Morita guesses. "We got to go."
Bucky nods and starts to descend into the darkness.
—-
Clint manages to round up the targets, tie them up, and deposit them to the proper authorities (some guys in black he knows he'll never see again) before any word comes through.
This is Blaze, come in—
Castle perks up next to him and hits his comms. You've got Castle.
And the strange tint of awe is in Blaze's voice, I've got Rogers and the civilians. Sewer exit on the left side of the canal. We need medical.
On our way, Castle responds, then he looks at Clint as he talks to Blaze through his earpiece, is Rogers alright?
Blaze's voice comes through again, this time hesitant, yeah but… Clint leans forward, his own comm in his ear, just get over here quick.
Clint raises his hand to his ears, Barnes, you copy?
Statics but a muffled —copy— is heard as they start to move.
A secondary explosion rocks the ground and they start.
Bucky! Clint breaks protocol, saying his first name without thought, you alright?
Another static filled —we— undergro— safe—-
He breathes a sigh of relief and continues to follow Castle.
About a dozen women and children are covered in sewer water and look harried at the end of a drainage pipe. They immediately approach Blaze who seems to be keeping them corralled until the crew they're waiting for gets there.
Clint looks around, "where's Steve?"
Blaze shakes his head slowly and raises a finger towards the tree line to their left at the village's edge.
Clint's head swivels, "and why is he in the woods?"
Blaze juts his chin towards a cluster of women, they seem solemn and one is weeping openly. "One of them lost a kid in the explosion. Steve's not taking that too good." Then Blaze gestures to his arm, "but he took some hits too. He needs medical."
Clint looks at Castle, "can I?"
He nods and Clint takes off.
If it wasn't for his keen eye, he may have missed the way the branches and brush had been moved as Steve pushed through it.
But he followed the trail until he found him.
Steve is crouched, head in his hands, covered in the same sewer water but there's blood and burned skin mixed in.
"Steve?"
No response.
Clint's eyes catch on a hole in a tree trunk that looks suspiciously fist sized.
Blood coats one of Steve's knuckles.
"Steve."
"I'm fine."
The manic clutching of his head and wild blank expression in his eyes say otherwise.
"Why do you have to be fine?"
Steve lets out a humorless bark, "you're right. I'm not fine at all."
"It's not your fault—"
"I know. It's theirs. And I didn't stop it."
He crouches beside him and tries to assess the damage. Definite burns, scratches. His hands are in worse shape than he first realized, scrapes and contusions although he's not sure from what.
"Had it happened before you got there?"
Steve's blank eyes raise up to his, "no. I was there."
His throat goes dry, but he clears it, "I'm really sorry about that."
Steve looks back at the ground, "me too."
There's a long silence and then Steve speaks again, voice strained as if he's fighting against something, "Clint."
"Yes?"
"I need you to tell me that going back there and killing them is wrong. That I shouldn't go rip them to shreds."
He's stunned, "what?"
"It's very overwhelming right now." Steve's voice is like he's swallowing shrapnel, and his fingers are gripping his knees, "it's taking every single ounce of willpower to not go back there and make them pay."
Clint rests a hand on Steve's unburned shoulder. "You'll eventually come to regret it if you did."
Steve's head tips back, staring at the sky, "would I?"
"Yeah." Clint reaffirms, "I know you. And you don't kill because you're angry. You only kill when it's necessary. To defend."
"But they deserve it."
"I'm not disagreeing." Clint says calmly, eyeing the way Steve's muscles are practically shaking from restraint.
"They killed a kid."
"Again, not disagreeing. But they've been apprehended. They'll be punished for their crimes."
"Not enough."
Clint's about to respond when Steve sighs, "Bucky's searching for us."
"Huh?"
And Clint watches as Steve shoves his emotions back, schooling his face and straightening up.
Only then does he hear Bucky shouting their names.
"Over here." He calls back, watching as Steve has a reserved but amiable expression and relaxed body language.
Bucky bursts into the area and skids to a stop. Looking at them. "Are—" he takes in Steve's appearance. Worn and dirty but casual and his brow furrows, "you're… okay?"
Steve nods, "yeah Bucky, I'm good. Are you?"
Bucky looks even more confused, "yeah, I am, I… Blaze…" then he pauses and Clint looks between them, "you're okay?"
Steve shrugs and seems to look off into the distance before settling back, "yeah, I'm fine."
Clint feels a sense of intense surprise that Steve had allowed him to see his "breakdown" but not Bucky. He wonders why.
"Oh…" Bucky says, "okay. Are you hurt? Blaze mentioned medical…"
Steve nods and starts to walk back towards the tree line, "probably should get some of these burns cleaned. But that's it, nothing big."
Bucky turns to him as Steve walks and disappears. "Is he really okay? Blaze said they lost a kid…"
And Clint feels torn. Tell Bucky the truth, like they'd agreed? But then why was Steve hiding it from Bucky and not him? So instead he chooses the safe option, "I don't know."
—-
Steve feels guilty when he returns. The women and children are already gone, the cleanup crew has already started and Castle, Morita, and Blaze are all waiting.
"Sorry." He says quickly. "Won't happen again."
He can't decide if they're silence is a good thing or a bad thing.
A medical officer comes up to him and starts to clean his burns.
Bucky and Clint appear soon after and he can feel both their eyes on him.
"Time to load up." Castle barks, "we're wasting daylight."
Steve feels eyes on him and he turns to see Morita watching him carefully.
"What?"
Morita tilts his head and looks at him with curiosity. "You rip that steel grate out of the concrete by yourself? Or did the women and children help you?"
Steve glares at him and walks away towards the helicopter that's landing off to the side.
An appreciative low whistle is all he hears before a, "ho-ly shit, Barnes. It really was all him, you were right."
Thankfully Bucky makes no response.
—-
"That's no fair." Natasha whines.
"First off," Tony drawls through the line, "my dad would have invited you too, but you chose to move to Russia, that's on you—" she scoffs as he continues, "but don't worry I'll tell the boys you said hi."
"Please do. What is it you're bringing to them?"
"Gear." Tony says as if that explains it all, "better gear than what they have obviously. Pops and I worked it up."
"I'm sure they'll appreciate it. They're coming back from mission today, right?"
"Yeah, we should land and beat them by like an hour."
"Natasha!" She hears a call through the studio, "let's go!"
"New friend?"
Natasha laughs, "I wouldn't call Whitney a friend. She's more like a 'keep closer' situation."
Tony laughs and then his voice gets quiet. "You ask my dad yet?"
"No…" she responds, "I'm planning to ask in person when they bring Yelena."
"Ah, gotcha." Tony's voice is thoughtful, "sounds good, hey we're about to land so I'll talk to you later."
He's gone before she can say goodbye and she grabs her bag, standing, "I'm coming!" She shouts back to the blonde now standing at the studio doorway, "geez, where's the fire."
Whitney grins, "word is, whoever does the best during our London performance will get a week paid leave."
Natasha's eyes widen, "wait what!"
Whitney nods, "so count yourself an enemy."
They laugh as she follows her out.
—-
Tony watches the copter descend and his dad nudges his shoulder, "you ready?"
Tony rolls his eyes, "yeah, they're going to flip over this gear. I'm ready."
The door slides open and Castle is the first to jump out. He walks towards them, and nods as he passes. Tony knows his dad had done a very un-Stark-like thing and called for permission before just showing up.
Then Clint is exiting, then two guys Tony doesn't know other than by roster, and then Bucky, then Steve.
He watches as Steve's brow furrows and head pops up, catching sight of them immediately like he could sense they were there. He nudges the other two and points. Clint smiles widely, waving his hand like an excited preschooler and he's about to laugh when he notices his dad is waving excitedly back.
Like father like quasi-son he thinks with a fond eye roll.
Then Tony notices that Steve's arm and hands are covered in bandages. Uh-oh.
The groups meet halfway and Howard looks at Steve, "what happened?"
"Explosion." Steve says flatly, then starts to peel off the bandages, "I'm fine." He displays already healing skin and his dad grabs Steve's arm and hawks at it.
"Healing factor is increasing?"
Steve shrugs, "think so. Hurt a lot up front then started to fade pretty quickly."
The other guy, Morita, steps up to the group and looks at his dad, "just wanted to meet you officially. Your firewalls are the only ones I've had a struggle against."
Tony snorts while his dad looks vaguely amused, "thanks I think?"
"Course." Then Morita disappears.
"What are you guys doing here?" Bucky asks, "everything okay?"
His dad nods, "yep, just have been workshopping some gear for each of you while you've been away. Thought it might come in handy."
"Gear?" Clint's ears perk up, "like Stark tech?"
Tony grabs his shoulder, shaking it, "yeah, got some nifty things but—" he looks over to Steve, "yours is in your room. A surprise is there too."
The guy looks confused but then nods, "okay, should I go here now?"
Tony grins, "uh, yeah. This gear isn't very patient."
Steve blinks and then he takes off, running past them so fast he feels the breeze.
"Wha—" Bucky starts, "what?"
His dad gestures them to follow this way, "I invited someone else to come visit." He raises an eyebrow, "Steve seemed to understand that really quick."
Tony laughs, "ain't no one as impatient as Carter."
—
Steve is running before he's even sure he understands. But he does. She's here. Waiting for him. He just knows it.
His sprint is visciously fast and he blows past Morita and Blaze who look at him in confusion, calling out and asking where the hell the fire is.
But he's running towards the fire.
He slams through the door, down the hallway and practically crashes into his door as he attempts to open it.
It creams and he catches sight of her, staring at his board of pictures and spinning to greet him. "Hello, Steve." Her smile, punctuated by her patented eyebrow raise makes him melt. Rushing towards her and gathering her in his arms, holding her so tightly she can't be able to breathe, although she makes no complaint.
Then he kisses her, knowing he's sweaty and dirty, and an absolute mess, but he can't not kiss her.
She's smiling as she kisses him back, her hands against his chest and holding him almost as tightly as he holds her.
"Woah."
Steve backs up, looking over his shoulder to see Blaze standing there. "No wonder you were running like hell." He grins, "you must be Carter. Heard about you."
She steps forward and shakes his hand, "indeed, and you are?"
"Johnny Blaze." He says, his eyes going from Steve to Peggy and back, "what brings you to our base?"
Her head swivels to meet his eyes and she smiles, "just missed him, and Howard was coming out, so he offered for me to hitch a ride. I won't be here long, or untrude."
Blaze raises his hands as if it's no big deal, "don't bother me to have a pretty gal around."
Peggy rolls her eyes, "as flattering as that isn't. If you'll excuse us." Then, in a move that surprises both him and Blaze, she closes the door, staring Blaze down the whole time.
Then she turns slowly to him, "now, where were—" her eyes must fully catch sight of him because she walks forward, her finger tips running over the red healing skin and the burnt fabric. "Are you alright?"
His throat tightens and he pulls her close, tugging her down until she's sitting on his lap, something that still shocks him that he's bigger than her now and holds her, burying his head in her hair, "I lost a kid today."
Her hand finds his, and he feels the way she holds him tighter, comforting him without words. Which he appreciates because there's no words to heal that kind of wound right now.
All the tension and weariness bleeds out from her comfort and he leans back, resting against the wall while he holds her against him.
Eventually she shifts so that she can look at him, "you're changing even more."
He grimaces, "I know, is it that noticeable?"
Her fingers skim his jaw, "how in the world is even your face widening, I mean, is this thing really affecting your skeleton and growth to no end?"
He chuckles, "you're just mad I'm way taller than you now."
Her frown is jovial, "it is quite annoying." Then she smiles, "what else is new?"
With a sheepish expression he pulls her hand down to his stomach and rests it there. Her eyes question him but she starts to prod him as if she might discover the secret, only to pause and then purse her lips in amusement. Her fingers slowly drag up the hem of his shirt and she examines the clearly defined muscles there before then examining his arms and letting out an amused huff, "well my my, aren't you a gym rat."
He scrunches his nose, "almost feels unfair. I didn't earn these muscles."
Her frown turns real, "you earned every advantage it gives you. Now hush."
They talk for awhile, Steve feeling more grounded and at peace the more they converse. Her simple and efficient way of putting things making him feel more at ease even though the guilt and grief still cling.
Eventually he hears a knock and Peggy calls, "come in!"
Howard enters, something large and circular in a leather case on his arm.
Steve stands, "sorry I ran off."
Howard laughs, "I'd planned it into the schedule." He holds out the leather case, "this is for you."
The leather is soft under his fingertips, and whatever is in it is light, "what is it?"
Somehow both Peggy and Howard sigh at the same time, "it's called a gift, Steve." Howard intones blandly, "you're supposed to open it to find out."
Steve looks at them, waiting with expectant and excited expressions. And something about this feels momentous. His fingers gently grasp the zippers and he slides it open.
Gently he removes a circular— he tilts his head, "is this a shield?"
Howard is grinning, "yes!" Suddenly the shield is plucked from his grasp and being spun to show him the arm locks, the magnetic recall, the weight and aerodynamics and then finally thrust back into his hands, "it's metal from a meteorite, super rare."
Steve stares at it, the front painted a subtle charcoal gray with a white circle in the middle. It matches his uniform, the dark colors with the white highlights.
"I—" Steve feels at a loss for words, like it's too generous, or too special for him. But the way Howard's hopeful expression is, means he couldn't even think of turning it down without crushing the scientist in front of him. So he settles for a joke, "that worried about me getting shot, huh?"
Peggy snorts out the most adorable laugh while Howard laughs and shakes his shoulder, "I just want to do my best to help you do your best, is that so bad?"
Steve grins, "thanks, Howard. Really."
Then Howard starts towards the door and beckons them along, "come on, that's not all."
—
Bucky watches Steve reappear, Peggy at his side and Howard jabbering the whole way into the room.
His eyes look for the signs of distress that Blaze had described when he and Morita had exited the sewer after following what had clearly been Steve's rampage out of the building. Concrete crushed and grates shredded. He and Morita had been wide eyed following the destruction in the sewer system that had allowed the large crowd of civilians to escape.
But then he'd found Steve out with Clint and acting calm.
Keyword: acting.
And he knows why. Steve's pretending to be fine so that way Bucky doesn't worry. Because Steve knows Bucky is not having the easiest time.
Then he hears Steve laugh and he relaxes. Peggy is rolling her eyes with a grin as Howard shows Steve the other modified firearms he brought for them.
Maybe it will all be okay.
—-
"Alright—" Tony says with a clap, getting everyone's attention, "now that we've given you all the main surprises, we have a secondary surprise."
Howard turns to Bucky and Grins, "you're going to like this one."
"What is it?" Clint asks, shifting his new rifle over to look at it again.
"I've already cleared this with Castle—" Howard starts, "the week of Christmas…" he pauses, giving dramatic effect, "we're all going to London to see Natasha."
Clint feels his grin grow as bucky stands up, "what? Really!?"
Howard is nodding and Tony is smiling and Peggy looks cal like she already knew. He looks to Steve who seems equally shocked, "woah."
"That's awesome!" Clint chimes in, "she'll be thrilled!"
"It's a surprise." Howard cautions, "she only thinks me and the missus and Yelena are going. So don't ruin it. We're practically in the front row, all of us at opening night." Bucky walks over and hugs Howard, surprising the man who grins and hits him back, "thought you might be excited about that."
Steve reaches a hand out and towards Howard, "thanks for that, and everything. I really owe you."
Howard laughs and waves him off, but Tony steps up and gestures to himself, "hey, what about me? I designed the lowers on those rifles and got the scope to sensor in wind resistance along the rotation of the earth—"
Clint is laughing and so is Bucky but Steve just shakes his head and grins, "don't worry Tony, I know I owe you too."
Tony grins, "yeah, one day it may be you saving my ass instead of the other way around."
Steve laughs, "maybe it will."
—