XI) Into the fantasy (2/3)
(Follows right from the end of part 1.)
.
Yeong POV:
They are at the center of The Palace, guards at every corner; and so Yeong is thankfully able to focus entirely and only on His Majesty for the time being - and not only because he can; but even more because he must.
And Yeong *aches* - and only more and more at each added atrocious piece of information. But no matter what, surprisingly (yet somehow not at all): the person Yeong is aching for the most is actually His Majesty.
His Majesty; unable to call Yeong by *his name*. To His Majesty, Yeong is usually 'Yeong-ah', in each and every tone possible, but always with transparent affection; 'Unbreakable Sword' or (since he became Captain) 'Captain Jo', with very evident pride, be it either in upbeat jest or in deepfelt gratitude; 'my dear Yeongie' or (maybe best of all) simply 'Yeongie', on especially heartwarming special occasions (without mentioning some for long out of use 'Cookie Monster' or 'Squirtle' and the likes from playful youthful memories). The present strict and multiple occurences of only the official 'Yeong' in His Majesty's voice just feel wrong: just 'Yeong' comes out from time to time, here and there - when His Majesty is particularly stressed or deadly serious; sure. But it sounds right now different: even more *consciously* systematically repeated than when His Majesty had informed him about what had happened in The Kingdom during his absence while he had been in The Republic; and what it says is not only deafening, but most of all devastating.
His Majesty; so obviously feeling guilty for deeds which are not his own - which could *never* be his own; looking *at him!* with open guilt and open shame (and open pain), and in truth expecting to be judged and rejected - *by him!* - as He finally comes to the end of his sordid report.
"Pyeha," Yeong starts, now that his turn to talk has come - allowing *everything* he feels to transpire into the two syllabs. He is cut short though by an authoritative shake of His Majesty's head.
"It's all in here" - His Majesty affirms; taking his phone out of his backpocket and somehow brutally handing it over to Yeong, once unlocked, with a mix of disgust (at the object) and dare (at Yeong - You do not understand, apparently; but you *will*, when looking at this!). The message is clear. His Majesty will not only not believe any of Yeong's well-intended words at the moment; His Majesty will also not even accept to hear them. Now is time for *business*; every thing else is irrelevant - His own feelings and even Yeong's included; and will thus have to wait until later.
And so, Yeong takes the phone, pledging with nothing but determination as he meets His Majesty's hard gaze square on.
"We're getting Nam Seon Ho out of there, Pyeha. Of course we are." ('Of course *I am* - sticking with you: always; any time; come what may; and until the very end, if necessary' - going not only unsaid but also obviously and painfully unheard, for once.)
His Majesty nods, tensely; but looks now both somehow infinitesimally relieved, yet right away even more decided and expectant - readying himself for action, already pulling the bow string in order to take aim and strike. The angry edge in His Majesty's voice switches to naked pleading though once more, wishing for any hint of hope: "Tell me it can be sufficient to find out where he is."
And so Yeong braces himself, even though thoroughly prepared already - because he *must* not flinch; and starts screening through the photos (and the two death certificates), still facing His Majesty even if not looking at Him - in order not to hide his reaction (turning away would always be downright irreverent, of course; but even more, right now, it would only make His Majesty unable to believe Yeong's honesty later on). And it is shocking, indeed; still - no matter having expected to be confronted exactly with what he is confronted with. It is *his* body; and Yeong knows it more than well enough indeed to see how the thin frame is just that bit too thin to be actually healthy, and to feel the stretch in those tired muscles and the ache from those just infliged bruises, right to his own bones. But Yeong locks it all in, in order to be able to look past the person, as hard as it might be, and focus fully on the decor, comparing and combining pictures back and forth.
"I do not recognize the room either. But this is math I actually do understand, Pyeha. It is about camera angles and dead corner's rules and determining heights; and I believe we *might* figure it out, comparing the results with The Palace's blueprints - even taking into account possible enclosed windows or added walls. It's worth a shot anyway; before going in blind, if we must." (Because they are going, Yeong once more insists; even if they have to check that other palace pavilion by pavilion and room by room. But, as there is time for preparation, better go prepared than act recklessly.)
His Majesty nods, thankfully; and Yeong makes short work of cutting out Nam Seon Ho's presence from several pictures he has selected, then sends the results to his own phone, and presses the button on his wrist communication device - voice nothing but demanding attention and expecting to receive it.
"CCTV Team, call in."
"Acting Chief Hong Woo Jin here; Captain."
"Surprise drill. Emergency protocol. I'm sending you pictures I've altered via the intranet. It's somewhere here in The Palace. Find the room. You have four hours."
"Copy that, Captain. We start right away."
You bet Yeong will have a party thrown, at the first occasion available according to Lady Noh.
On to the next item: appearances. Because even though their looks are a complication, CCTV wise, if they were to appear on several screens at the same moment; they can still prove very useful, once the CCTV would have been dealt with.
So Yeong starts typing a text message on his phone, explaining as he diligently presses the keys:
"I am texting Myeong Seung Ah. I lost a bet to you; and now I need different clothes than my usual, a black long hair wig, and someone to help me fix it, by the end of this morning. It goes without saying that I do trust her; both about the shopping choices and the necessary discretion. But no; we are not back together - and won't be. (bringing his eyes back up to His Majesty's:) Do you need anything, Pyeha; in order to pass if necessary as that other king (not 'that other you' - he isn't; disdain and disgust clearly audible through the missing emphasis on the inexistant capital letter on that last word, for once)?"
"My own clothes will work fine enough."
Yeong nods, and hits the send button.
(The actual message doesn't mention any lost bet and specifically requires a see-through top - like Nam Seon Ho wears in every photo his torso is still covered - and some kind of jacket to go by (in order to hide Yeong's musculature at first glance - Nam Seon Ho's built being much lankier than his own); both black, if possible.)
"I'll contact my parents later on; right before we go. I do not want them to have to worry - at least, not for longer than the inevitable; but we're going to need the family house, and for some time - so Mom and Dad will need some advance warning, no matter how vague, to be able to arrange something without it seeming too impromptu and alarming for my siblings. It shouldn't be too difficult, as there are school holidays at the moment after all. But Nam Seon Ho cannot come to The Palace, nor anywhere else in my vicinity, without questions being raised - and we're not taking him out of that jail to lock him up and hide him away. So, my parents's house is the safest and best start option: it is remote but not far from here, and it has no direct neighbours but should some people get a glimpse of him outside in some hoody, they would simply assume I'm visiting and wouldn't find it strange. Is that plan all right by you, Pyeha? Or would you rather we consider a different course?"
"That plan sounds right. Needless to say, I'm also covering all the costs for those surprise holidays."
"Thank you, Pyeha."
His Majesty looks about to retort about being thanked; but Yeong's phone pings, and so His Majesty keeps silent - eager for news.
(Seung Ah is wondering and worrying about the blatant need for what she understands to be undercover material, but will deliver the necessary goods without question. She is begging Yeong to be prudent though - even as she insists she knows well enough that he knows already of course that he must be - both about his safety and about avoiding getting photographed or filmed in those clothes without a face mask and provoking a hell of a mediatic typhoon, indeed.)
"Seung Ah is on it," Yeong only shares with His Majesty before moving on with the rest of their preparatives. "And now, I'm going to do something I swore long ago to myself I'd never do: teach you how best to disable The Palace's CCTV. So please, refrain from ever using that knowledge in The Palace in our universe? But I'm not leaving this room before you hear me out, Pyeha - and you know I cannot teach you about the CCTV from here. Please. Things *are* set in motion; we can spare a few minutes."
"Yeong...", His Majesty lets out, shaking his head in refusal and eyes escaping Yeong's gaze.
You bet though Yeong will never let His Majesty think less of Himself than He in truth is. And so Yeong takes nonetheless one decided and calculated step forward - closer; with obvious intent. I do not fear you. And Yeong begs; gentle yet demanding - and with all he has; and with all he is. Ready to show and tell it all - with his eyes; with his voice; with his words; with his whole being. Willing to expose himself raw - every thought and every feeling - simply because it is what His Majesty needs.
"Pyeha, please; look at me."
Yeong will even drop down and beg on his knees, if that's what it'd take to bring His Majesty's gaze back to his - no matter His Majesty's unease. And His Majesty must have felt it, because His Majesty right away looks at Yeong again - even if probably surrendering only to avoid said impending worse display of Yeong's loyalty.
"How can you, still..." - Look at me like that. Call me 'Pyeha' like that. Whichever. Both. And it sounds so pained that it physically hurts Yeong to hear it.
"I can, Pyeha - of course I can", Yeong dives in; forcing his voice though not to get rushed but keep steady and firm and nothing but convincing, like when His Majesty gives a serious speech - persuasion is a hammer hitting the nail clean, with the right force and at the right angle; not a devastating tsunami. "Because whatever you're worrying about has no reason to be. And actually, the fact that it does affect you says more about who you in truth are than what you fear it might mean. That tyrant version of you who is abusing that other version of me; that's not you - that could *never* be you, Pyeha. You're *nothing* like him - *nothing* like *that*."
""Yeong,-"
"No", Yeong cuts in - decisive and abrupt; but he cannot even care about it right now. "I know *you*, Pyeha. I know your morals; and I know your darkness. And yes, I am aware it can be terrible; but it is never unprovoked nor unjustified, and I do not and I will never fear it. *I do not and I will never fear you, Pyeha*. That such a cruel and vile sadistic version of you exists out there still doesn't mean anything - neither about you; nor to me. As far as I'm concerned, he must be an aberration, a glitch in the matrix. But even if he's not; it still doesn't matter at all. Whether he might be the exception or the norm, it still doesn't say anything about *you*, Pyeha. Because, again: this *isn't* you; this could *never* be you. And I will repeat it and repeat it as often as necessary until you realize it too."
"Yeong..."
"That's not my name, Pyeha."
Only silence though answers his naked plea; and so Yeong will have to delve and dig deeper - no matter how dark the water and how muddy the ground.
"Believe me, I do understand your reaction - because I would not want to be the monster either. No one would. But just let me tell you what I'm actually afraid of, since I know there are parallel universes. I'm afraid one day I'm going to meet a version of myself who tortures and hurts innocent people with a smile on his face, simply because a version of you tells him to do so."
"You wouldn't", His Majesty right away assures on a shocked gasp; but Yeong pushes through as if uninterrupted.
"But still, what I'm even more afraid of - the worst crime of all - would be for that version of me to come after you, and that you wouldn't realize it until too late; and that probably says something about my moral compass and its priorities."
"Yeong,-"
"But before you misunderstand, I must insist: that's not because I do believe that you could ever consider giving me such orders, Pyeha, but simply because when one creates his own nightmares, his worst fears end up in the mix; and so, that monstrous you in my nightmares, it's a reflection of me - of my own darkness; and not a reflection of how I see you, Pyeha - not at all. I would, Pyeha. I believe I would. Do anything. Do everything. *For you*. *In your name*."
"Yeongie!", His Majesty finally hushes out in obvious shock and disagreement; but it sounds so sad and pained on Yeong's behalf, and provoked only by Yeong's inner conflicts instead of by any self assurance on His Majesty's part that it hardly counts as a victorious break-through at all. If anything, it even makes it worse. Never has that particularly cherished version of his name felt more painful - both to pronounce and to hear.
"And I believe you know that too, Pyeha."
His Majesty now looks nothing but desperate to contradict him - even though Yeong might know him better than he does himself:
"No! That wasn't-"
"Anyway, the point is you made me promise - you made me *promise*, Pyeha - not to ever go down that road. You could have made me, make me, into something terrible - something that terrifies me. But you didn't. You would never. You told me no - you told me: this is a line I will never let you cross."
"Yeong-ah!"
It is neither a shout nor a plea, this time; just the right amount of authority and certainty - Stop this nonsense at once! And it rings true; it rings normal; it rings *just right* - finally! - and that is worth each and every sordid confession. Yeong takes a relieved breath, sensing progress, at last, and calmly comes to his conclusion, eyes boring into His Majesty's commanding gaze.
"You're *good*, Pyeha. Trust my judgement if you can't trust yours at the moment. You're good - *so* good it is actually infuriating, sometimes; or are you going to pretend that I do not know that you were ready to sacrifice yourself to save the worlds? You're *good* - a good person; and *the best* King. You *protect*, Pyeha: *that* is what you do; *that* is what you *always* do. You protect us all - including me; even from myself. You would never *take*, Pyeha. Not from anyone. And definitely not from me - no matter how much I might always be willing to give."
That should do it, right. But His Majesty only shakes his head disapprovingly once more - even though angry mostly at himself, apparently:
"How can you, of all people, say that; when taking is all I ever do - especially from you. You were four, Yeong-ah - *four!* - when I took you all for myself, when I claimed you, handing over to you *a reason to die* in the form of a plastic sword and a silly title. And what have I done since then - if not continuously and constantly take; and take; and take... I never told you how, while travelling back through the past during the first reset, I did search for Tae Eul, in order to insert myself already into her memories, so she would know and trust me somehow before we even met; but I've kept far away from our younger selves, until being sure nothing would have been altered, because I didn't want to risk changing us in any way. But since you... Don't you see that I probably should have taken the opportunity to stop you from ever walking into that corridor when I had the chance."
What !?
Yeong is struck - speechless and numb from shock. And then Yeong is downright furious - and yes, furious at His Majesty, too; even if most of all at himself. He should have seen how deeply his near-death had affected His Majesty; no matter how well and how much His Majesty had been concealing it and shouldering it on his own all that time, apparently.
Yeong fights himself in order to keep collected, and tries to organize his jumbling thoughts into at least a semblance of coherence. (Blurting out as knee-jerk reaction something along the line of 'Pyeha; are you delusional?' probably isn't going to help his case...)
"Pyeha; it is simply *impossible* to take what has already been given. And *I know* I gave all that I was to you, right away; even if, sadly - because seeing you for the first time and talking with you for the first time would be for sure most precious memories - I do not actually remember any of it. So how can you feign having forgotten it - when it is so regularly going viral on TV, at each anniversary of your coronation; and when I so regularly repeat that little gesture simply because we both understand exactly what it means. I was four, indeed, Pyeha - when *I* gave you a cookie; and not only a cookie, but one of my favorite cookies. It is supposed to be a particularly grand and meaningful gesture, at that age - and I'm certain it was. And then the tale goes you gave me a toy and a smile; and I don't remember being given those either, but I know it to be truth too anyway - because that sword has always been my favorite toy. It was warmth, Pyeha; not doom. It was you accepting my gift; never you taking anything from me. It was *a reason to live*. So what, the toy was a sword and you named me your Unbreakable Sword on a burst of inspiration because it sounded cool. And for the record, it does sound *so* cool indeed: I love it; Eun Seob loves it; so you are not *ever* taking it back. But do you seriously believe things would have gone differently if you had given me a magic wand and named me Yeong The Wise? If you had given me a stuffed animal and named me a zoo keeper? If you had given me a Hot Wheels car and named me a racing pilot? For all I care, you could have given me some exclusive pre-release collector plastic Magikarp, and I would have followed you around making annoying (fish mouth/sound) for days and it would still be a silly joke between us even now; but it wouldn't have changed a thing in the end."
"Yeong-ah," His Majesty starts, gently - but sadly, still; disregarding the attempt of humor - and it sounds *tired*, most of all: tired of Yeong refusing to simply see how unworthy He is. And so Yeong feels only more enraged - and there is no tempering possible now with the quiet but cutting edge of his next words:
"I'm not done yet. With all due respect, Pyeha: how dare you actually think that you, like, clapped your hands, and bam, I was *The Unbreakable Sword*, with 3 capital letters?"
His Majesty reacts - even if unbelieving at the actual reason for Yeong's anger. But Yeong is coming through, at last. So Yeong calms down, and works on pushing his point further.
"You didn't make me into anything, Pyeha. *I made myself*. And in case you didn't notice, even though you were there all along, it actually took a lot of work and a lot of effort; so I apologize but there is just no way - *no way* - I am *ever* going to let you take any credit for it, all right? My choice, Pyeha - right from the start. And let me be very clear: I sure never regretted it, and I would still do it all over again exactly the same if given another chance to make that choice - and we both know I would, because I have already made that choice *thrice* by now. So do not ever contemplate kidnapping me or whatever to stop me from making that choice if you ever find yourself back in the past ever again. Becoming *your knight* has been my life-dream - for as long as I can remember; my one-goal; my own doing; and my constant decision. I have long ago fully understood what it entailed; and my only concern each and every morning as I look at myself in the mirror is to determine whether I still honestly and entirely feel strong enough and vigilant enough and generally *adequate* enough to be up to the task I have always intended dedicating my life to. I've put my sweat, my (blood - but Yeong stops himself because His Majesty has definitely seen too much of his blood) *everything*, in growing into the man I am today; and it was for me, Pyeha - even if it was for you. I thought we had an agreement; since that talk, in The Republic. How can you even consider, or worse hope, robbing me from living my life as I wish to."
His Majesty has the decency to look contrite, somehow. Not that it changes his mind, apparently. His Majesty lets out a heavy sigh - but it sounds self-aware and responsible, more than resigned:
"Because it was not only your sweat, Yeong-ah. It was also your blood. So much of your blood. And not only when... I know, Yeong-ah. I know about your special training."
Ah. (AN: Yes: this is Yeong actually *swearing*.)
"Pyeha-"
"I've always known. Even though I won't claim knowing about it all in details; but I surely know more than enough. And I let you, Yeong-ah. *I let you*. *Thrice*; indeed. And not even because I knew you didn't want me to know. But because *I agreed*; because *I was glad*, even. Because I wouldn't have you fail; and even less fall - and so you being so eager and set on becoming the very best you could only made it *safer*: safer for me, indeed - and do not try to pretend that it wasn't your first intention; but safer for you, too - and that still made it safer for me, and I do not mean strictly in a physical way this time. I loathed it just as much as I reveled in it, whenever I received a message about which part of you had just taken a beating; but I *did* revel in it - and isn't that some ugly truth. How can you say I do not take, when I'm nothing but a greedy vampire. Look at me, Yeong-ah. Even after all that has happened - after all I've put you through; and even after what I've just found out - and surely I've lost any right; and surely you've given enough - more than enough already. Yet here I am - asking and hoping that you will accept to face danger again, in order for me to save the day. It isn't right."
And this time, Yeong cannot control the knee-jerk response; even if it comes out desperate more than angry:
"You bet it isn't right indeed!"
Yeong takes a breath before explaining more calmly:
"But not for the reason you think it is. *You have me*, Pyeha. You should know that you have me - unconditionnally. You shouldn't ask; and even less hope: you should *expect* me to *want* to - always; and any time. You used to know; so please - please - let's get back to that."
His Majesty's eyes turn at once into daggers - but their target is evidently inwards:
"And when would 'that' be, Yeong-ah? When I was a blind fool who took you(r existence) for granted? When I carelessly dumped you on your own in another universe and got you shot at? When we went back into the past and I felt safe with your arms around me as I left you behind to die?"
Yeong's ready absolving retort about his actually wanting to be taken for granted to start with is stopped short by those last words; and only a surprised intake of breath escapes his lips as His Majesty can't help but repeat, eyes and voice now softer and so meaningful:
"*I felt safe*, Yeongie."
And that? There are just no words - no way Yeong could even start to ever express everything he feels at once, not only at the confession (and what a life-defining confession to start with!) but maybe even more at the so rarely so transparent way His Majesty is looking at him right now. Yeong is not furious at all anymore - Yeong is about to weep.
Pyeha...
It only seems to fuel His Majesty's frustration once more, though:
"Do not look at me like that. You're missing the point."
Yeong clears his throat; finally finds his voice again:
"Pyeha; that's the only point."
"No. The point is that you were dying - *dying*, Yeongie; and I didn't see; and *I left* - when you needed me the most; and I felt *safe*. And it's just *wrong*. All of it. Both of me. I cannot pretend to be better than-"
"I didn't want you to know that, Pyeha. I fought, with all I had left, to hide that; and to hide that to the both of you. So please, stop flagelling yourself over something I have decided for the two of you. Do you need to know what would have been my last thought - my last wish?"
His Majesty momentarily closes his eyes, breathing harder:
"Let's just not-"
But Yeong now knows this is an abscess that definitely needs to be pierced clean, and soldiers on.
"I apologize, but it seems essential; so let's - just this once. I truly *didn't* want you there - you had told me you didn't want to have to catch me; and I agreed - *I still agree*, Pyeha. Nonetheless, I still wished I could see you - just one glimpse. Indeed, because I needed and wanted to be sure you had prevailed. But also, because I needed and wanted to breathe out or smile one last *thank you*, Pyeha; so you would be certain I had no regrets or whatever."
"Yeongie..."
"You must believe me, Pyeha. I am sincerely grateful that I was there to protect you - to protect you both; and my life would have had meaning if it had ended there - even if *of course* I was wishing for more time; for more life (for more *you* is left unsaid). And I got more; *you* ensured I got more, Pyeha - and so much more, even; or have you forgotten too that I owe my siblings to you. So. Let it go. Please. You have to let it go. You are our King, Pyeha; and you are *worthy* - *so* worthy. Worthy of your Crown. Worthy of everyone's admiration and loyalty. Worthy of everything I have always and will always willingly give. And yes; if needed, worthy of my death. I am yours to wield, Pyeha - however you see fit and whenever you wish for it; whatever the reason and no matter the cost. But do not ever feel guilty for any risk I consciously *choose* to take. If someone has to feel guilty and apologize: it's me, Pyeha - not you. You never had to care. You had me, anyway. You have me, no matter what. But you did care. You do care. But even knowing it, I didn't stop - *I will not stop*. If anything, it only made and makes it even more imperative and *necessary* to keep you safe. I told you, Pyeha: I cannot lose you. I just cannot. *I'm* the selfish one; I've always been. So do not bother to start a fight I will never let you win. I can be very stubborn, as we both know; and you're nothing but magnanimous, as we both know. You do not stand a chance."
"Yeongie..."
"I mean it, Pyeha."
Let it go. I cannot stay as your Captain if you don't.
One helpless sigh (the weight audible in it both crushing Yeong yet feeling as a victory).
"I know. But you shouldn't feel that way. At least, I shouldn't want for you to feel that way. Your life could have been... Something else? Something more? Something better; anyway. In every universe I see you, your life seems better - when I'm not around; obviously."
Yeong's voice turns softer, even though by now more assured:
"How can you say such a thing, Pyeha. You saved me - so many times and in so many ways. You saved Eun Seob. And now you're going to save Nam Seon Ho. Any version of me is *blessed* to have met you."
His Majesty's voice turns now softer too - but resigned and shameful; and it is just painful to hear.
"Except for the fact that I'm the reason any of you got in danger to start with. I've seen you happy, Yeong-ah; you always look so happy, when I'm not messing up your life."
And Yeong is flabbergasted; yet touched, when it dawns on him what His Majesty is now concerned about. Is Yeong's supposed love life once more what's bothering His Majesty? Even now that there are surely much more important matters to consider? And even after Yeong's pretend dating? Is Yeong's happiness that paramount? And is it so difficult for His Majesty to comprehend that Yeong doesn't need any Seung Ah to be happy - that Yeong is *already* happy? Well, apparently: yes. And so, while they're at it, Yeong should try to close that subject for good too. It's not even a choice, anyway. If His Majesty actually feels *responsible* for *ruining* Yeong's life in any way; of course Yeong just has to make sure His Majesty understands exactly how far off the mark He is on said account.
"Pyeha, you're supposed to understand statistics far better than me; so do not tell me that having seen a me with a Seung Ah thrice-"
"Seven times. My trips with Tae Eul. It's seven times, now."
"Seven times, then, whatever... is enough to make it a constant law in each and every universe. It doesn't work like that. I do not want to believe that it works like that. And that's not even mentioning how humanity would probably be long extinct already if it actually worked like that. Like I said, another you is not you - and so, another me is not me. Or am I to you truly interchangeable with Eun Seob?"
A gasp. And surprisingly (or not, in fact), it is this - the most simple comparison; the *experienced* truth it infers - that seems to truly crack through His Majesty's defenses.
"I will not deem that question worthy of the breath it would require to get answered."
Yeong can't help but hope, finally. This is familiar ground - the defying pattern of speech; the convoluted choice of words; the playful glance. This *is* His Majesty.
"Good. So, surely, no matter how many otherwordly twins I might have, we must agree that I am the only *me*. And you bet I am truly happy for Eun Seob and Na Ri; but whatever is working or not for another version of me doesn't have to mean that it's what *my* life should or shouldn't be about. So, can we just live our own lives, without judging ourselves by other people doings, and without taking into consideration what's happening wherever and whenever."
His Majesty still seems unsure - even if not openly disagreeing anymore; but that could never be enough for Yeong; and so he goes on:
"So. There are apparently seven me happily coupled to seven Seung Ah. So what? There is most probably *at least* one another me just as happily following another you around with a dictaphone and a much too heavy bag because you're a math genius professor and he has to make sure you do not lose some potentially all-changing piece of paper you scribbled something on while you ate your lunch and then forgot about, and record every math dissertation your mind come up with while you're driving and such just in case you might get a particularly brilliant idea between thousands overenthusiastic conversations with yourself. Again: so what?"
The spur of the moment idea is a success, evidently. His Majesty is smiling now; even though shortly.
"Yeong-ah; don't you think that other you should probably better do the driving too?"
Yeong has to smile back; shortly too, but it definitely feels liberating.
"Well, I'll let you explain this to that particular me, if you ever get to come across him."
Their eyes lock and just stay there; and so Yeong lets himself go.
"Pyeha, I swear: I *am* happy. Do not worry about me. Do not think I am missing anything or sacrificing anything by being at your side. My life could never be better, because I am already living my best life. I am exactly who I want to be, and where I want to be, and living the life I want to live. And that's all thanks to you - you hear me: not because of you; *thanks* to you, Pyeha. And I'm honestly grateful; and so profoundly honored. But *I'm choosing*, Pyeha - each and every day; to this day, tomorrow and the rest of my life. And I'm choosing you. I'm quite certain I will always choose you. Because you make me happy, Pyeha. You do. Always. Even when I'm mad at you; even when I'm worried sick about you; even when I'm sad for you; and even when I'm hurting, Pyeha - even when I'm hurting. Deep down; no matter what: I am always happy that you are in my life." (That you *are* my life stays unsaid; even though it is nothing but the truth too.)
"My dear Yeongie", His Majesty lets out softly - so softly; now raising his right arm and extending his right hand towards Yeong's left shoulder - the gesture automatic for so long it's even instinctive, even if not innate - and Yeong waits; already anticipating the usual rush - the warmth; the glow.
It doesn't come, though. His Majesty retracts his hand at the last moment, ducking his head and clearing his throat.
Yeong feels slapped - frozen cold and empty. His Majesty's touch is the ultimate sign of His Majesty's *trust*. And being so undeniably denied it feels... like dying, truly.
There have always been two reasons - and two reasons only - Yeong would ever willingly resign. If he couldn't trust himself anymore - be it his capacities or his judgment. Or if His Majesty couldn't trust him anymore. And honestly, Yeong had never really believed he might ever come to have to worry about the second option. Not even after his near-death. He has been watching out for signs, of course; but, if anything, His Majesty is touching him more than usual lately (unconsciously seeking tangible reassurance that Yeong *is* alive, probably) - not less. And not only judging from the first two timelines; but even from the new timeline - in which His Majesty never got strangled and has always been more enclined to touch others. (And what a strange realization it had been, when Yeong had felt that *he* had been the one building up distance in fact in his new memories - even if it just made so much sense too, of course.)
But His Majesty had never (before just now) aborted or second-guessed the trajectory of his hands.
(And it would have been logical, in fact - inherent cruel irony notwithstanding - if by saving His Majesty's life, Yeong had lost His Majesty's trust. (Even if what would have been lost wouldn't have been the trust in Yeong's loyalty and willingness and readiness to do whatever might ever be necessary - of course; nor even the trust in his judgment and actual capacities - mind you; but the trust His Majesty had used to have in Himself - in His will to respect and accept Yeong's will despite His own.) And it would have been worth it - still; no doubt. His Majesty, alive and well - that is the only thing that could ever matter to Yeong in the end. So, Yeong would have had no regrets, even as he would have mentally started planning for his succession. The trickiest part would have been hiding it from His Majesty until it would have been announced - and thus made irrevocable. Yeong would never ask for His Majesty to accept his resignation - His Majesty would only feel guilty; and you bet Yeong would never alllow for His Majesty to feel guilty for any shortcoming on his own part.)
Thankfully, Yeong understands though that it has right now nothing to do with such possibility, in fact - and everything to do with that abject doppelgänger of His Majesty. (As if Yeong needed yet another reason to hate that monster.) And guess what: it won't do.
"Pyeha", Yeong pleads. "I will disregard what just happened; but only this once. Surely, you know that when you touch me, it is *a gift*. It is *clean* - and meaningful. It is *your trust*. So please; Pyeha. Do not let him come between you and your trust in me."
His Majesty moves then, so quickly and so unexpectedly that Yeong doesn't realize what's happening until his breath is knocked out and he's already *crushed* against His Majesty who has nothing but slammed into him - one strong arm around his neck, another strong arm around his middle, both holding him close; one chin at his right shoulder, one clear voice right at his ear.
"I trust you. Of course I trust you, *Unbreakable Sword*. I'm just an idiot sometimes."
His Majesty is hugging him? It is just... Yeong has lost any ability to process and function. He is incapable of thinking; incapable of feeling - incapable of breathing, even. His Majesty is hugging him!
His Majesty brings him closer still - somehow unwittingly: desperately.
"And I love you. Tell me you know that I love you, Yeongie."
And *everything* now comes rushing in - at once. And it's overwhelming; but to be honest, it is probably the best Yeong has ever felt in his whole life?
Yeong recovers control of his limbs and realizes he's just an inert - irresponsive - mass; and right away sets to correct the situation. Thinking about touching His Majesty feels weird (touching His Majesty is only a necessary *(re)action* - never a decision); but *not* touching His Majesty right now would feel even weirder - and simply wrong. And so, slowly, Yeong brings both his arms around His Majesty too: a mindful, loose hold - folding his arms from under and up at both sides, until the palms of his hands come to rest gently on top of each of His Majesty's shoulders (no pressure; but undeniably there); and leaning into the embrace.
"I know, Pyeha. Of course I know you love me - I've always known. And I love you, Pyeha. And for the record: you're *never* an idiot. And- And this is definitely fine, but you do not have to- I'd never expect and even less- I mean... Are you sure this is okay?"
His Majesty chuckles, softly (and Yeong *feels* it against the side of his head) - pulling him even closer one instant before releasing him some again the next.
"Yes. This is okay, Yeong-ah. This is even so very, very much more than okay."
"Okay."
His Majesty chuckles again; and Yeong realizes he is probably missing something. But His Majesty is not only obviously relieved but also obviously *happy*; so Yeong ceases to try to understand any of what's happening and just settles for simply *feeling*. If this is a one-off, he's going to imprint it all so deeply into his whole being that it would never wear off, for sure. His fingers dig infinitesimally deeper into His Majesty's shoulders, as Yeong closes his eyes and breathes in - deep, once; and out. And Yeong pledges:
"I'll tell Nam Seon Ho, Pyeha. I'll tell him, every day: that you're good; that you're worthy - *so worthy* of being loved - until he'll see you for who you are, and not for who you are not."
"Yeongie..."
A soft exhale.
"Even if it's a lost cause, thank you so much for the sentiment."
And then, the usual squeeze of his shoulder - even if it's reversed; right shoulder instead of left shoulder, pressure from the back and not from the front - and Yeong knows it's a signal. Yeong right away lets go; even before His Majesty unlocks.
Their eyes meet again. His Majesty looks nothing but sincerely thankful:
"I know you can be very convincing, though - when you put your mind to it."
A hint of a smile.
"If you ever fancy a change of career, Captain Jo, I think you'll do great in politics."
And it sounds like a joke - and it is in truth meant as a joke (even if it is also sour wishful thinking); so Yeong jokes back (even as he pledges his wish for never having to change his career, of course).
"Dream on, Pyeha."
Another quick yet completely satisfied chuckle - which feels truly satisfying to witness; and Yeong starts to believe he might have actually succeeded in making his point and reassuring His Majesty of his own worth and quashing any heavy unwarranted guilt from His Majesty's soul; at least for now (if not for always - His Majesty is prone to overthinking; but Yeong will be watchful.)
It's *them*; again - finally. But even more, and always more importantly: it's *His Majesty*. Inner fire - so fierce and so bright; be it protective warmth or punishing burn. Unwavering force of conviction. Readiness to face anything to right any wrong. And with this mindset, His Majesty is just *unstoppable*. They will succeed. They will.
Yeong tilts his head - dead serious, yet inviting:
"Now; are you ready to learn how to disable the CCTV; Pyeha?"
His Majesty nods, with his usual (and right now fulfilling) confidence.
"I believe I am. Lead the way, Yeong-ah."
And so Yeong does. It's his place, after all: *in front* of His Majesty - ready to protect or to strike. You bet Yeong is always eager to lead - because in truth, it is the best way to follow.
.
AN:
Well, that was an avalanche of feels and a rollercoaster of pain? Yeong truly meant it, when he decided he was ready to tell everything, if necessary, until Gon would feel worthy again - of his crown, of his own value, and of Yeong's endless loyalty and bottomless devotion. So yes; I've put them through the wringer - but it's actually for their own good? It is not healthy to keep that many feelings trapped inside after all - at some point, it just has to all come out, right! And I do love them - even when they twist blades all through my guts and trample all over my heart. *HUGE SIGH*
That being said: I have been entirely self indulging here (again - I am so shameless). I viscerally needed them to hug - I'm always a sucker for hugs; but coming from Gon, it does mean SO MUCH MORE, right. I also viscerally needed them to tell to each other I LOVE YOU, and for it to be that deep and that true even before adding another layer to their love (not as in *more* - just another) - because they ARE already loving each other so entirely - they are already COMPLETE. Also, there are so many ways to love people anyway; and you can never tell it ENOUGH. And even though sadly, sometimes, it takes (only nearly here, thankfully) losing someone to be able to let it out; well, they've been there, done that - and it felt just RIGHT, and necessary, at that particular moment: Gon NEEDS to tell it (not because he believes Yeong doesn't know nor believe it at that point - just because he NEEDS to tell it; to hear it out loud, to have Yeong hearing it out loud - because what it means right now is not exactly its factual truth; it's more about its intrinsic pledge: *I could never hurt you*), just as he NEEDS the reassurance - not that Yeong loves him too (because you bet Gon already knows that); but that YEONG *KNOWS* GON WOULD NEVER HURT HIM (and the plea is killing me - TELL ME YOU KNOW that I love you). That's some very sad 'I love you'; but it's still just beautiful and true. And then, Yeong says it back (of course - even if he's already said it over and over again during the whole chapter (and during his whole life, in truth); it's not as if he thinks that Gon doesn't know, right) simply because it means right now YOU ARE WORTHY of being loved. Their 'I love you''s are all about the other much more than about themselves - it's A GIFT - and I LOVE THEM, okay !
Then: You have no idea how SO VERY FOND I am of (my) Yeong's personal headcanon mollified and mollifying simple and tiny 'okay' when he is particularly and totally flustered. And guess what: by now, Gon is addicted to it too :)
Also: I will never not experience *EVERYTHING* from the way Yeong loves Gon. He was so young when they met, he doesn't even remember NOT loving Gon. It's instinctive, undeniable, and unquestionable (even if it isn't family love at all, and even less friendship - Yeong has never considered Gon as an older brother or as a friend: Gon has always been, and is, HIS KING.). It's not a conscious thought: it's ingrained - in everything he is, in every cell in his body. It's an intrinsic evidence, and a basic need. Loving Gon is as natural and vital as breathing fresh air in; as the feel of the flow of the blood through his veins; as the thudding rythm of his heart and his pulse. It's always - *always* - there; and all-encompassing. And the way he revels in it? As basking in the light and the warmth of the sun on his skin; as the satisfactory healthy fullness from a good meal and a nice drink. And the PRIDE? OH MY SOUL ! It makes me feral. It makes me weep. It makes me FEEL - and feel SO ALIVE.
On a side note: BLOODHOUNDS ! Feel free to come and scream with me when you've watched it ! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH !
Finally: Let's go rescue Nam Seon Ho!
(And as always, thanks for any feedback, it means the Manpasikjeok to me!)