Edward went through his window to avoid running into the others who were at the Livingroom, winning her back seems impossible now.
Edward went to his drawers and looked at the locket he wanted to give Bella, he removed his mothers ring from it, and placed the locket on his desk.
He couldn't look at it without feeling guilt. Edward looked at the horizon holding his mother's ring in a tight palm.
" Coming back was a mistake," Edward thought.
"I should have just left things be as soon as I found out that Bella has someone else"
"I wished I never tried to win her back, so far it only led to arguments"
, " Oh mother if only I was there in heaven with you" Without Bella I have nothing to live for"
" Maybe It's for the best to leave Forks whenever my family is ready, I will no longer pressure them to do anything"
" As hard as it is, I'll leave Bella alone.. I won't see her or visit her house to avoid trying again"
"I'll finish high school at Neah Bay Washington to give Bella peace. She'll never have to see me again"
"It was wrong to try and sabotage her current relationship, rebound or not, she's happy with him"
"I forced her into that direction and I tried to force her back to us and our world where she would have to leave everyone she has ever known behind"
" Bella doesn't want me to convince her that I won't do such thing again, She just want to be left alone"
" I will do that from now on, I'll think about her always. But I just have to love her lots from a distance.
Edward moved away from the window exiting his room and could hear chit chats all the way downstairs. Bella is right I should stay with them.
Here I'll always have a home, Everyone is happier here than in New York, still I could travel to places myself under a disguise that I'm going to an University in Nebraska to keep my mind off Forks or anything that reminds me of Bella, I'll keep in touch and visit a few times, with that I no longer put them under stress that I might stay away for a long time, Alice will see visions about my time there and I'm sure my parents no longer have to worry.
After all Education is a good distraction. Bella is fine and doesn't need me anymore,
The best I can do is let go."
Edward got up from where he was sitting moving towards the phone like an old man to switch schools as soon as possible, he doesn't care what the others will do the same but he's not staying there anymore.
After one phone call it was settled, he still has catching up to do, he got a half year extra to graduate. But because he'll never tire he can gather enough credit within a handful of days. Sometimes being a creature that never sleeps or runs out of energy can be a blessing.
After days of looking into Universities Edwards newfound distraction was starting to fail, He didn't feel like pursuing an educational career. or go anywhere further than the forest near his house, even hunting became a chore. And felt similar to when he was in a dark deserted hotel in Rio.
When I left her behind for the first time the strong urge was trying to pull me back to her, my sub conscious was throbbing from the inside to stop this and go back,
Maybe I shouldn't have tried to explain what I tried to do, I should have just let her yell and vent as much as she likes until she calmed down.
Maybe that's what she needed instead of having invalid excuses thrown at her. She probably thinks I came back because the grass wasn't greener on the other side and try to get validation for the things I did wrong.
Edward went back inside the yard at his old spot where he counts the particles of the sun to distract himself. Everything seems to go well, We went to the meadows hoping to strengthen our bond
we kisses and It's the most heartfelt I ever received from her, yet things turns sour right away. What if I could have gotten through to her if I didn't lose my patience.
She's hurt, the last thing she needs is hear any reason I have to betray her like this.
Edwards ears perked when footsteps entered the yard and gave a glance over his shoulder.
" You're in deep thoughts again" Esme said
" Mother" Edward turned to her and smiled.
" Have you spoken to Bella?" Esme asks.
"Yes.. " Edward said, his mouth was pressed in a straight line and Esme noticed it tremble slightly like he's about to cry.
"No.. don't be sad" Esme said and held him and felt him flinch in her hold as he cried.
"May I know what happened?" Esme asks moving hair from his face,
"She doesn't want to see me again,.."
"I tried to have her come back but I just made it worse" Edward said.
" I shouldn't have come to see her, I should have just accepted that the damage is done and just restart my life in Forks but in a different area."
" With a new Alias and just leave her alone" Edward said.
" Edward you can't just give up now" Esme said comforting,
"You are made for each other" And If you cease trying to win her over for a while, she'll see it herself. "
That's what Edward should have done. leave her be until she comes to him instead of trying to reclaim the pedestal Bella put him on.
That realization stung.
" Oh Mother, I'm such a stupid worthless excuse of a man" Edward said.
" Shush, don't say that" Esme said firming her grip.
" But it is true, all I did was try to make peace with her while I should have just be there catering to her needs,"
" I should have help her get through the mourning progress of losing her father while she was still willing to talk to me"
"But instead, I used that opportunity to get what I want!" Edward started to rant.
"I should have let her vent instead of getting offended at her lack of trust in me or the relationship."
" But maybe next time you meet up you can do it different, At least now you know what to do" Esme said.
"No, there won't be a next time..
"I've done so many things wrong Mother!" Edward said moving away from her.
" I snapped at her, I was so frustrated that she wouldn't listen to me and.." Edward paused in his rant dropping his shoulders in defeat.
" I probably ruined my only chance" Edward said quiet.
"I don't think so, you do have a chance but it's going to harder after that dispute" Esme said.
"Just wait until she's ready to speak to you about why you had do this,"
"Having you come back so suddenly shocked her system creating a lot of turmoil. But consider this phase as your first year being a Vampire.
"You didn't want to hear anyone out, you left and did what you thought was right.. we left you be and when you calm down then maybe you are open to listen" Esme said.
That was indeed true, Carlisle didn't pressure Edward to accept the vegetarian way of life. He let Edward choose after having his say.
"And you just accepted me back.. and you also forgave the second time" Edward said.
"I guess I thought I would be forgiven very soon by her too, but it's different for humans.. most of them hold on to resentment" Edward said.
"Thank you, this confirms what I should have done.. I should have stayed..
" But I'm bothered that she thinks she's just a pet, I was never her owner, her love has changed me.. every second I spend with her made me feel like a human. It's like I'm receiving pieces of my soul back" Edward said.
"I just need her to hear me" Edward said.
"Yes, but now is not the time.. let her grieve, don't try to prove her anything or make another promise" Esme said.
"Even if she continues to doubt your love, just treat her with the upmost respect." Esme said and Edward nodded in return.
Getting angry won't make her listen" Esme said.
"I know that now," Edward said. And then he managed to smile.
"I've done things the wrong way, but I can learn from it." Edward said. "I only cared what I thought was right.. I wanted to save her but it has been nothing, but a worthless effort" Edward said.
"Mother I'm sorry for making everyone leave, I will not request such a thing again." Edward said reaching for her hands.
Esme glared at Edward gently, her eye color seems like shimmering gold as she squeezed her hands in return.
"Good because next time I will not do it, this family will never be a part this long" Esme said.
"I don't want that either, I made so many things worse.. " Edward said.
" I just hope it's not too late to go back how it was.. " Edward shrugged.
"Nobody is upset with you, we are all happy you're back" Esme said.
"With Bella I mean" Edward said.
"Maybe it won't exactly be the same, being deserted is terrifying and it can cause severe psychological damage" Esme said.
"I think Bella is suffering from PTSD after your departure, it's probably the reason why she's scared to come back" Esme said.
"She's convinced that I'll do it again" Edward said and Esme nodded.
"I deserve that, but I'll earn her Trust back somehow" Edward said.
"I just don't want to be apart from her just because I did something dumb, I wish I could make her understand I did this because I love her and having her at my mercy made panic surge through my whole body, the same panic I felt when I got bitten for the first time" Edward admits.
" I was so frightened of losing her by my own hands that I thought removing myself was for the best" Edward said.
" That's what I wanted to tell her but it all went sour after that." Edward said.
" What if I write her a letter and explain it there and just wait until she reaches out?" Edward asks.
" No don't do that yet, focus on Earning her trust, make her feel loved when you meet again. Don't bring up the past and just move forward" Esme suggests.
" Accept how she's willing to take you back, if she wants you at a distance for whatever reason don't ask her why just do so" Esme.
Edward wrenched at that, imagine if he has to stay away from her for months but gave a careful nod.
" If it becomes hard you can always see her from a distance but don't interfere with anything, If that's not enough to make her come back then
you need to let her go as your final act of love" Esme said.
" No Mother, I will always be waiting in the wings. I can't picture myself with anyone but her" Edward said.
" If you hurt Carlisle, wouldn't you have done the same?" Edward asks.
" Well. I would" Esme stuttered. " But we've been together for decades, but you only know Bella for a year and most of it you were gone" Esme said.
" So, you're saying I don't know what love is?" Edward asks Esme flinched but noticed Edward wasn't angry, instead he smiled slightly.
" I don't doubt that for a second, I've seen how she makes you happy, like a prisoner feasting his eyes on the sun on his first day of liberation" Esme said.
" She saved you but you haven't grown completely attached to her, otherwise leaving would not be possible" Esme said.
Edward scowled and wanted to protest, " Mother how could you say that?" "
"Every single day I was thinking about running back to her but the disgust I felt for what I almost did to her is what made me stay put"
" Shush" Esme said, " I know that but I meant to say is that, It's still possible for you to move on as well"
" If you try to meet other vampires then who knows maybe you'll find a mate who will be around forever" Esme said.
" Bella will leave one day, whether for university or at the end of her life.. Unless you want to change her" Esme said.
" I don't, otherwise I'm robbing her a chance to see her father again, that's something she wants." Edward said.
"There is no afterlife for Vampires" Edward said.
"And.. Bella might not reach to an old age, according to Alice she will have the same fate as Charlie" Edward said.
Esme was a little startled about that but continued listening.
Edward shuddered "She will die in the near future,"
"Does Bella know?" Esme said.
"Not yet, I don't want to tell her now and have more ruined for her" Edward said.
"But isn't there another future?" Esme asked, she doesn't want Bella to die like that.
"Yes, as a vampire but I don't want that" Edward said.
"The reason why is because if she turns the werewolves will probably turn their backs on her" Edward said.
"I left her behind, they stitched her up, At least if anything happens to me she has them to look after her" Edward said.
"But she will have to say goodbye anyway if she dies, we can save her before it's too late" Esme said.
"She wants to be with her father more than she wants to live, I can't take that form her, I don't want to ruin things for her, I tried to do what's best for her and I only cause her more pain" Edward said.
"At least now that we are no longer talking to each other It will be less harder to see her go and live in Florida" Edward said.
"But Edward" Esme Said and Edward gave her a glance that said she won't change his mind on his decision to stay put.
"What if she comes to you?" and ask you to save her?" Esme said.
"I will do that for her, but until then im staying away." Edward said.
"Besides I have a lot to think about, like what I'll do after she graduates," Edward said.
"Maybe come and live with us in a different town, I'll make sure it's cloudy so that our lives won't be altered and maybe be homeschooled for a while until you are ready to be around humans again.
Edward smiled a bit, " I rather not isolate myself, running away from problems is what got me in this situation, I lost Bella for good, I separated our family unit."
"I just don't want to repeat that, I will go to college maybe there is something better out there than dwelling in Forks" Edward said.
"You don't mind me moving out after high school right?" Edward asked when Esme didn't seem very happy.
No, If you're happy I'm happy, but I'm just a bit troubled about Bella's fate." Esme Said.
"Don't be, I'm positive she will find something she wants to live for, seeing her children grow and marriage with endless love" Edward said.
" I promise I will not let her die if that's not what she wants" Edward assured her.
"If she decides to pass on, where will you go from there?" Esme asked.
Edward watched her, Losing Bella will hurt in indescribable ways but he will not remain here, but didn't want to burden his mother with this.
"I'll go to Italy.. I'll ask the Volturi If they can see Bella in Heaven" Edward said.
"Well I don't think they have the power to do that" Esme said.
"They recruit new Vampires all the time, With all kinds special gifts, I'm sure they can help me with easing my sorrow" Edward said.
"But Bella will get cancer later in life.. in her mid 30's, so until then i want her to enjoy being human" Edward said,
Edward then asked to be by himself, He had a stroll through the forest, his mother could see that it was hard for him to talk about this.
There has to be relief.. an oblivion
He can imagine himself in Volterra stepping into the sunlight after Bella is gone, he will be ceased and have his body burned.
Hopefully they will let his family collect his ashes and release it next to Bella's grave so that he'll always be part of the Earth that she's buried in.
Edward believes now that a heaven for vampires could exist, they will meet again, death will set them free.
-/-
Bella was in the kitchen putting aluminum foil on the dishes for tomorrow's dinner. Jacob was on the couch snoozing. It's lovely that he doesn't want her to be alone at night even though Bella has active neighbors who keep an eye on her as well.
"Jake?" Bella said.
"What?" Jacob said tired.
"Second day of Christmas I'm going to visit friends" and some will also visit my house" Bella said.
"And that bloodsucker will come with his family" Jacob said.
"I don't think so.. we had an argument and he's aware now that he doesn't stand a chance" Bella said.
"Good, I'm happy I don't have to deal with them again, I'm not looking forward to this Christmas if they have to be there too" Jacob said.
"Unless I can kill them" Jacob added and Bella felt his hostility ripple through his veins like only talking about them fuels him with enough rage to phase.
"Well I would never have them over on the first day of Christmas. that day is for us, and our family" Bella said.
Jacob smiled, he felt at peace now that Bella confirmed that he won't be seeing them anytime soon.
He wasn't bothered to ask what the argument was all about, anything to have the bloodsuckers out of here.
"Are you looking forward to the Holliday's now?" Bella said.
"Yes, but I want to meet your friends too, and your family in Arizona, I would like to meet them all and invite them to our wedding" Jacob said.
"We can, after Christmas is over well spend the rest of the winter break there." Bella said.
"But we can't go now because?" Jacob wonders.
"I want to spend Christmas in Forks for the last time" I don't know when another time will come but it also helps giving Charlie's death a place so that only happy memories will stay" Bella said.
Jacob eyed her, he felt a bit bad. He thought she wanted to celebrate at her fathers house because Jacob can't deny visitations from the Cullens but it was to give her fathers death closure as they settle in Florida.
"Your dad would have been very proud of you, you're so strong and resilient, and most beautiful person in my life" Jacob said.
"And you are my sun," I would not had the strength to keep going if you weren't there" Bella said nuzzling against his shoulder.
-/-
It was finally Christmas, They celebrated Christmas Eve at La push, Seth was happy to have more presents from Bella, It feels like it's his Birthday in December too. Occasionally Bella felt guilty that after the argument Edward hasn't reached out again. No Christmas card or a call and there were moments where she wanted to pick up the phone to say she's sorry but maybe Alice will see that she regrets certain things she said, like calling him a monster so seeking contact again is not needed.
She doesn't want to risk having Edward try again to win her over. She will keep wedding invitations for the Cullens Incase a miracle happens and Jacob will stop hating Vampires. It's very unlikely but a girl can hope.
The food was great, Leah is still remaining distant but this it's a bit more than usual but Bella tries not to be bothered by it as she Serves the pack her traditional Christmas cuisine.
Bella felt more loved and accepted than in any other family. She still can't imagine that the werewolves aren't cold for playing in the snow only dressed from the waist down. The mates of the werewolves treated Bella like a sister, doing her hair and not for any occasion but simply because they want to.
and second day of Christmas Bella's friends came over, all is well now, Jacob remained with his family just in case the Cullens decide to come anyway. At the reservation he wouldn't allow them to come over without tearing them apart. But in Bella's house he has no authority and must accept that.
Bella was a bit saddened that Jacob stayed away, but she felt she had to tell him that the Cullens want to visit before the dispute, what if she said nothing and they arrived having Jacob phase in-front of humans. Or what if he became angry with her for that unpleasant surprise?
Bella does hope that Vampires and Werewolves can come together and be allies.
Seth wanted to visit Bella but mainly because he wants her to be safe. And even though Jacob decided to stay away he remained close to her home with a few friends to keep an eye out.
Bella was chattering with her friends when the phone rang she excuses herself and went to the phone.
"Swan residence?" Bella said, there was a sound of a wind and the phone got hung up again. Bella placed the phone back shrugging at her friends. " The caller probably had the wrong house" Bella said to them and took a seat again.
-/-
Near the Olympia National Park a group of vampires were done feasting on unexpected hikers.
"The Swan girl is not alone" A voice said.
"The Cullens are probably back with her,"
"She also seems to be friends with werewolves, I smelled their scent on the Swan girl"
"We can take the werewolves but the Cullens are out of our league still."
"We'll have her alone one day, out of the public view, just be patient" another voice murmured.
"I will have my revenge"
"I shall not rest until then"